July 31, 2005 Had a most profound spiritual experience today

Had a most profound spiritual experience today at church. Today was the last of four new member classes we were attending. I had decided this week not to go ahead and become a new member officially because of the five questions one needs to answer. I could of course answer yes to all five except this third one about committing to Jesus as my personal savior and serving him etc... because quite frankly I just don't even know what that means let alone feel able to answer that in the affirmative... so I delicately and politely bowed down from going up with my fellow classmates that I have been privileged enough to share the last four Sundays with learning about the history of the church and the religion etc. great times for me in my life right now truly. But I just didn't feel a hundred percent about going up there and not being true to how I feel in my words. I have too much respect for these people and this church. It means the world to me right now. so I will continue in my struggle/search/discovery of how I feel in my deepest heart about this matter. Either way I told the reverend, I'm in. consider me in. you have my presence and my money and contributions and anything else I can do to help. I'm just not sure about the whole Jesus thing. I felt very good seated in the pews still while my friends went up to officially become new members while I sat and watched. I had made the right decision. Fishy is growing up. Fishy is acknowledging his true feelings for once and making decisions and taking actions on those truest feelings above anything else now. miraculous.

His sermon today was awe-inspiring as most are and then his prayer afterward was even more moving for me. with my head bowed with the rest of the congregation I noticed that I was tearing. Actual tears. And I don't tear when I cry. remember? Just one of those quirks, or so I thought... so there I was tearing... so was I crying? Man I don't know. not sure what was happening. just deeply moved. But today, as I sat there with my hands clasped and my head bowed and listened to his words to and with us all I found myself tearing and crying and so moved that I would say it was the second most spiritual experience I have ever had, the first being just a few months ago when I heard that whisper to wander into that church on a Wednesday and just went in and sat down and was filled with the most intense and comforting feelings of peace love joy security and joy that I had ever felt in my life before. today was just as meaningful. in the shower this morning I was thinking to myself how often throughout my life I have mistrusted the God-concept... how hard and cynical I have allowed myself to become as a person of the world through the years... with full appreciation and no incrimination whatsoever I just felt into it and decided that I would let it go, honor it, recognize it, but deliberately decide to move past it. just finally decide to trust it fully.

Lets face it, we can’t make intellectual sense of the God-concept. We can always find a way to think our way out of it, in fact, its easier to think our way out of the God-concept than it is to believe in it. but that doesn’t stop us from feeling it still does it? and that's the thing about it. right there. that's it. we can always think our way out of that and so many other things, the after-life, reincarnation, the soul-concept. But you know intellectually we could just as easily talk ourselves out of many of the basic truths of physics and chemistry and biology if we rely solely on what we can see and hear and touch in the world with our basic human senses. The idea of molecules and atoms and string theory and chaos theory and how our bodies work and our brain functions... even these concepts are pretty hard to understand and fully accept. They seem so ‘not of this world.’ so beyond our ability to fully comprehend. And yet, if we break them down mathematically we can grasp little bits of it all. so there has to be a little faith there. either faith in science or faith in spirituality, call it what we will in our current incarnation here in this moment... it all requires a little faith.

Faith. wow. that's the tough one. fear is the biggest enemy of faith. what if I believe and I then get disappointed at some point down the road? that's it for me at least. Why should I believe in something that may disappoint me later on down the road? well so what, I asked myself this morning in the shower. why not just give in finally and just accept how you really feel, fear and all? I say we try it, I told myself as I scrubbed and shampooed. Why not just go for it? after all, don't you feel better when you believe than when you don't believe? I mean, don't you find that things just work out easier when you come from that place? don't you find that you are more lit up and more inspiring to others and to yourself when you are coming from that space? well yes of course the answer is yes. well then. lets settle it.

So today the sermon and the prayer seemed to address these questions and these matters quite eloquently and personally for me. and there I was sitting amongst hundreds of other people with actual tears streaming down my face. my God, I thought, I am truly truly sorry. And I'm truly truly happy. and I'm truly truly grateful. Thank you thank you thank you.

Last screening: world war I in color. Narrated by Kenneth Branagh. The six part documentary covering the history of WWI. But through computer effects they have added color to all of the old b&w footage that existed before. really brings it to life. interviews several veterans who are still alive today, some born as far back as 1895. these interviews are awesome. great doc. Learning a lot.


current spin: Queen. The Game. One of their best. greatest vocalist. Awesome guitar. Sick drum and bass grooves. Their peak as a band. they would never achieve this again. not many bands ever have since.