Sept 15th Rockaway came into town

Sept 15th
Rockaway came into town for a gig. We had a great time hanging out for two nights. Just good to be with a close friend. In New York all I do is work home social work home social work home social.... not enough QT with good friends. We’re drinking Chivas on the rocks, popping Vs and Vs and talking about girls and money and gigs and all... just riding the train, headed for nowhere, sipping beer out of paper bags, and male bonding. The night of the show, he goes on stage and he's like ‘I love you man,’ and gives us a big hug. And in that moment I just loved that guy like a brother.

Later that evening and a few drinks further, the dove and I get into a huge fight. guy versus girl. Masculine versus feminine. Our fights suck. They're fun. but they suck. And this one was no exception. I tell her in a drunken slur ‘look you're leaving town tomorrow. I want to know what's up. I'm either holding the torch while you're gone, or I'm taking the time to get this out of my system. so what's it going to be?’ she wouldn’t even answer me. her nose in the air, staring off into the club at various nothings as if the outside was more important than our inside and my simple request. I'm trying to get clarification and she's feeling trapped and cornered. We are both drunk.

We get asked to leave because the place is closing. She decides she is going to follow the group we are with who are headed out to get more drinks. Totally unproductive not my scene thing. I am going to have a drink and then we will talk, she says. We head into Whiskey, on Lex. A yuppie bar for the short haired crowd. Loud bad music and idle talk of nothing. I feel as if I have been slung-shot back twenty years to the days before I understood that we were not trapped by life but rather had the freedom to create each moment as we prefer... but here I was trapped in some dark loud bad music bar with a bunch of short hairs and button ups who have nothing better to do with their lives than spend money they don't have on alcohol they don't need to drown sorrows they don't realize aren't even there.

She decides to head to the train and I am walking with her and we are both fuming.
You don't have to walk me. she puffs with her nose in the air.
I know I don't have to walk you. but I want to walk you. its two am in the morning. Just chill. I'm walking you.
More silence.
Just throw me a bone. Tell me what the fuck.
Its obvious how I feel and I will not speak about this anymore...
well if it were so obvious how you felt, then I wouldn’t be asking would I? just bat your eyes or something. give me a clue. C'mon. bat your eyelashes a few times or something...
You're ruining everything Fishy. everything is ruined!
how am I ruining everything? what is ruined? I'm just asking a simple fucking question.
And now you are using expletives! This is not right. I will have no more of it.
I didn't use any expletives.
Yes you certainly did. you said fuck.
I did?
Yes.
well whatever. just answer me. why won't you answer me?
Whatever to you.
she walks faster.
Fine.
Fine.
More silence. Fast walking.
Look. I see no reason for you to be upset.
I trusted you Fishy.
O.k. good. you should trust me. I have done nothing to betray your trust. What have I done?
You’ve ruined everything. I thought you were different.
I am different. You know what? take every guy you have ever known and put them all together into a big ball, o.k., isn't that nice, a big past guy ball, and now throw them all away because you still aren't even coming close to Fishy. So cool it with trying to compare me to other guys. I am different and you know it. Please don't challenge that. or I'm really going to start to doubt your sincerity in this and think you're a total drama queen. Which I do already.
You're the drama queen. Why are you making this a mellow drama?
I'm not making this a mellow anything. I asked you a simple question. Why won't you answer me?
I will not speak about this anymore.
o.k. fine. Then we won't talk about it. but the least you could do is tell me if we keep going like this, going out all the time, if we are ever going to date.
I don't even know what you are talking about. I do not know what dating is.
oh now you don't know what dating is? o.k. well I would say that you do. and I would say that you are being silly.
I don't. now please be quiet. you are ruining everything.
If we’re not then I'm going to keep dating other girls.
Then fine. Date other girls. I don't care.
I don't want to date other girls.
Then what do you want?
I want to date you.
I don't even know what that means. I do not speak your language. What does that even mean?
It means we date.
Well we are not dating.
I know we aren't dating. But will we? Are we headed for dating or are we just hanging our as friends? That's what I'm asking.
We are just friends. I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend. that won't change. One hundred percent. Just ask any of my other millions of girlfriends.
I am not your girlfriend.
I didn't say you were. I'm just saying that I have plenty of friends who are girls. I don't need any more.
Well too bad. Because that's what I thought I was. and you ruined it.
What? you just want me to treat you like one of my friends?
Yes.
Well I don't treat my friends like I treat you. I don't have the time for that.
Well too bad. You should.
No. I shouldn’t. I'm not going to spend all this time hanging out with some girl who's just my friend. I don't have the fucking time. I'd never get anything done. This is madness. And stupid.
Yes. it is. so please leave it.
O.k. so fine. I have my answer. then we aren't dating. That's all I was asking for. see how simple that was? Why did it have to take so long to get to that? that's all I wanted to know. Fine. You forced me to answer, so I'm just going to tell you what you don't want to hear.
O.k. fine. You do that. that's real mature.
Silence.
Have I tried to kiss you?
Silence. Fast walking. Not looking at me.
Have I tried to fool around with you at all? I mean, have we reached a point even close to that? have we even come close to anything like that?
No. and we aren't going to.
O.k. that's fine. And that's my point. I dont even know if i am attracted to you in that way. I think you're reading too much into this. I'm fine the way things are. I don't care if never fool around. seriously. I have plenty of girls I can fool around with.
I'm not listening!
I'm just saying that I don't care if we never fool around.
I'm not listening!
I don't care. I don't try because I haven't even thought about it. I would never dare think about it. o.k.? I'm happy with the way things are.
Well I'm not. not now. you’ve ruined everything. Now please stop.
Fine. But I know you got my point. So please, stop saying I ruined everything. nothing is ruined.
Well it is.
Fine. Well if everything can be ruined that easy, then what the hell was it worth? If we can’t even ask each other simple questions. For gods sake.

And on and on it went like that for too many minutes that felt like hours.
More silence.
And I'm like ‘I don't even believe you. you know that?
Fine.
Say whatever you want. But I don't believe you.
Well you should believe me. Do whatever you want to Fishy.
I will. and too bad for you and too bad for me. and too bad for us. you are not a dove. you are a silly goose.
Fine.

The whole way to the train like that. For blocks and blocks. It was grueling. It was horrible. And by the time we got to the station we both had these looks on our faces of just sheer pain. I walked out of the station cursing to myself out loud like some crazy. I just cursed the whole way home. In the back of the cab I just sat there with my arms crossed cursing out loud. Fuck fuck fuck. This fucking bitch. What the fuck was that? Fuck this. this is fucked. Fuck this. fuck fuck fuck. The driver didn't speak to me at all. he too prob thought I was crazy.

but I also felt freedom from it in some way. At least I was back on solid ground. Back to my old self. I was floating again, not falling. In retrospect this was a hilarious movie moment. not one either of us will soon forget I am sure. It should have ended in some mad passionate hot sex all night with shared coffee and sun-rising watching in the morning if it were indeed a movie. But it didn't. instead I laid in bed and felt like I had just returned from some virtual reality twilight zone amusement park ride.

I must say that I had a great time in that though. Those are the kind of moments we remember forever. If energy like that can be fueled towards productive endeavors, rather than worthless merry go rounds of the egos clashing... the possibilities would be endless.


Sept 14th
Poeming more and more. I have really started thinking differently about lyric writing. about writing in general. My mind has opened to this other world... my brain is occupying more space.


Last screening: Noam Chomsky, rebel without a pause. A little wonky this one is and a lot of repeated information. Nothing new. But good review of the facts.

Current spin: still listening to Bowie’s diamond dogs almost daily. Cannot believe what an amazing work that was.


Sept 12th
I am reading the autumn edition of a financial newsletter. The usual insider fare of the falling American dollar, the coming boom of what is now being called Chindia by the insiders – the force of India and china – who will together take over America to become the number one economic powerhouse in the world very soon. this is not bad news unless you are for some reason stuck on making your money through American means, or through investing in America, which wouldn’t be a good idea at this point – one can easily make tons more if they start switching their investing now to china and India. But the bad news was what I read about the coming oil crisis. About ten years ago I was rock climbing in Sedona Arizona with a geologist friend of mine. He told me that they possessed this secret knowledge that the world was quickly running out of oil. He told me that geologists knew it and discussed it daily, and that the governments of the world knew it as well, but it was something they didn't discuss with the general public for fear of causing a panic or economic recession. I was young at the time, did not have enough knowledge about the world to understand what oil was or what we used it for, or what running out of oil even meant, but I still felt this sensation of fear rise up inside of me. and mind you I was about five or six thousand feet up in the air on a vertical peak. So the last thing I needed was to think about the world running out of oil, no matter what it meant.

Flash forward to now. 2005. its been ten years since that fateful day that I will never forget. [I remember thinking to myself at that young and innocent age, ‘could it be true that the government knows things that we don't? Things that they aren't telling us? Could this running out of oil thing be a really bad thing?’ I was rather naieve I would say. Little did I know...] Two years ago, the largest super power in the world invaded the second largest oil producing country in the world, against the advice of every civilized nation in the world, and even against vehement denouncement by the entire civilized population of the world. The cost of oil has doubled and is higher than it’s ever been in history. There is talk of invading Iran of course. little sound bites come from the US government now and then. and of course a few brave new worlders point to an eventual attack on Venezuela by the US for similar purposes, though the stated purpose will be the same as it always is: freedom of a people repressed by a hostile and terrorist dictatorial government etc.

So what's up? Well we’re running out of oil. Check it: “Your grandchildren will live in a world without oil. IN the next one to four years, half the oil that the earth started with will be gone. And it we keep using it like we are, every drop will vanish by about 2029. that's in our fucking lifetimes. And yet no one speaks of this. Long before 2029 though the quality of crude oil will go from fair to terrible, the extraction costs will become crippling, and you will be paying 12 to $15 a gallon at the gas pump. The closest approximation NOW is that we will reach the halfway point by 2006. and that life itself, well human life, will revolve around oil – or the lack of it. And sometime before 2029 the earth will be tapped out completely.” Scary stuff.

You know, a lot of thoughts pop up around this: one, that Bush and his evil cohorts are smarter and bolder than the left-wing gives them credit for. After all, if we do win the battle for Iraq, and we get to occupy and subversively and covertly control those oil reserves, that along with our close relations with the dictatorship in Saudi Arabia, guarantees us easy access to big oil much longer than most other countries. It places us right back into a position of power that for the last few years we have been on the verge of losing due to our shrinking economy because of the decrease in our potential consumer base and production as compared to more developing countries. O.k. so we don't have as many consumers anymore because everyone here owns everything that the world has to offer and more, and our production potential continues to decline because we are farming every possible job out to other countries so where are the jobs and where is the money earning potential for Americans if jobs and production keep vanishing – is the only way for Americans to make money now in stocks and the bursting bubble of real estate? and the value of the dollar is shrinking so quickly that it is only a matter of time before it stops being the one security that the rest of the world wants to tie its own currency to because theirs is already so much more highly valued than ours.... all true, and becoming more so as each month passes... but look closely and one can see that if any of this is going to continue to be true in the long term picture, and if oil is already becoming the new gold, or the new dollar, or the new military might, then we have a good chance of retaining our world domination at least in our lifetimes.

And yeah I'm a do-gooder, or at least try to think I am sometimes, and i try to think about the greater good of all humanity and all that, but does that mean that I want the United States to become second place in the world to anyone in any category? Hell no. I think that inside each of us is this selfishness in regards to the country we were born in. we want America to continue to be the land of opportunity. My question underneath it all is just, where will the new money come from? Even if we do retain our military might around the world, and we take over the oil... how will new money be generated? We need another tech revolution or another industrial revolution or something akin to that. According to every financial newsletter I have read in the last two years, the big economic boom is over for America and the new center for profit and big money in the world is China and India. Period. America will become either number two, or number three, depending on how fast Europe continues to grow. But again, if we keep our military strong and control the oil, then we may just have to keep bullying everyone to maintain our control and dominance. Harsh words I know, but just another perspective from a different viewpoint entirely from how we normally think about things from the far left side of the spectrum that I usually operate.

Out with the dove more and more often. Calmer. Unsettling. Truly. But calmer than last week. learning to poem. Shifting brain sides I think. learning to float.

Current spin: Ravel; Daphnis et Chloe. One of the best pieces of music of all time. this is heaven in sound.

Last screening: Noam Chomsky, distorted morality. Brilliant. see it. make no excuses. If you don't rent it and watch it and you find yourself in discussions with informed people who are walking all over your brain because you don't know anything, don't say I didn't warn you. I couldn’t give a better recommendation than Noam Chomsky right now in light of current world events.


Sept 11th
Four years since the attack of the world trade centers. Church this morning. The Rev as we call him delivered his best sermon ever. I am going to try to post the audio somewhere. it was at once a scathing attack on the current administration and their failure of duty since sept 11th, and a desperate plea for guidance and strength and courage and hope in these times of trouble. He gestured and emoted more dramatically than I had ever seen him before. the month off did him well. it was a magnificent display. Heartfelt more than ever, and yet as always intellectual. He wondered allowed with all of us as to why the powers that be in America at this time do not seem to posses the same call of personal and institutional duty as most leaders do or are even normally want to do by getting into leadership roles in the first place. this is a Yale educated Methodist preacher on park avenue in one of the finest cathedrals in Manhattan – a distinguished looking sharp witty humble cheerful well educated man, but he was spiritually moaning, almost groaning, lamenting, for all of us, for the entire congregation... attempting to express for us what the whole country has been feeling for weeks now, and perhaps for some of us years, especially today. very powerful indeed. he has turned into a mentor of mine. I admire him greatly. The way he speaks, the things he says. His prayers are kick ass, his control of the audience and the sequence of events is kick ass. he begins his prayers by saying “loving one...” to address God. that is just so transcendent. Love it.

Today was perhaps the most spiritual day I have had in that church thus far in this journey. In any church. That's for sure. Several things: for one, because of the date it was, and because I had been out all night and hadn't slept, and because of a few of the things I am going through, I just really went for deep prayer this time. I sat and stood when we were supposed to, but other than that I was just immersed in what I can only describe as deep prayer, communion with my idea/conception of a higher power. which I must say as each day passes I get closer and closer to feeling and understanding and feeling closer to.

Impossible to understand. Yes? impossible to describe. Impossible to put into words. impossible to defend or confine or limit through attempting thus. Just being with it. praying to it. talking to it. talking with it. listening to it. feeling it.

While everyone sang, both the congregation and the soloists throughout the service, I never even lifted my head up. I just sat there head bowed, hands folded, in deep prayer and communion with this force. Two remarkable things: at one point I saw this face pop up in my head, in my mind I guess one would say. It was cherubic, angelic, boyish, cute, lovely, graceful, youthful, but ancient looking – like out of a picture book from centuries ago, curly hair. Pale skin. I watched my thoughts; ‘wow. what is that? who is that? pay attention to this. don't let it get away. try to keep your attention on that face. wow. what a feeling. What is this feeling? What a beautiful smile. Wow. I wonder who that is. what is this? try to stay focused on it. is it me? from a past life? me from a future life? someone I am going to meet some day?’ and then I felt this knowing, heard this answer so to speak. ‘it is an angel. Of course. it is an angel.’ Or perhaps. ‘I am angel. And all is well.’ was the feeling. And it was grace personified in that moment. I smiled heartily, like a child. And was very happy.

That was great. but there is more. the inside of the church is very high ceilinged. And at the top above the pulpit there is this picture of Jesus in tile mosaic. And he has his right hand up. and he is point up with a finger. And I never pay attention to Jesus. Not there on the ceiling and not in my day to ay life. because I am so conflicted about that. but I do pray about it. I pray about wanting to know if there is anything that I need to know from him or It or whatever.... so today I just stared at him for a while and I felt these messages beaming down from him speaking to me. crazy I know. trust me. I will be the first to Baker act myself here on this one. totally nuts if I were to read this penned by anyone else. but I tell you, I felt these very subtle messages. He/it was speaking to me. the message at first was ‘just listen.’ and so I listened. And the messages were clear, concise, direct, loving, unconditionally so, and compassionate. And they made sense. And they were perfectly logical and clear but direct and stern and without bullshit. and they made sense to me. and for the first time I felt what people might be referring to when they utter the words ‘Christ consciousness.’ [which I normally box into an idea called new-age malarkey. But I couldn’t box this experience in like that. it was too real. Too obvious. Too clear.]

I have no idea what that was. or why it is or how it is. nor at this point do I care about enunciating it or trying to figure it out or making sense of it. was it just me? talking to myself? my higher self? Another self? A future self? Another part of the brain? Another being/entity/another aspect of consciousness? Was it Jesus? Was it the idea I hold of Jesus? The brain’s collection of all that I have heard about or hope to be or thought about Jesus in my entire past and future life projected onto this picture? Sure. All of the above. But profound nonetheless.

The messages were to forgive. To forgive times 77 times. just let go and forgive and love and care unconditionally. Give what you want to and long to receive. Be the example. before you receive. Give. And forgive.

And also, to get clean. to clean up my act physically now. I've done the inter-personal work now. mentally spiritually emotionally cleaned up. but you're going to stagnate here if you don't clean up physically. You know it. why aren't you doing it? you will gain a lot more calm, a lot more peace, a lot more intuition, and insight, if you finish this job now. clean up. I heard the message. But yet I hated to hear them. I don't want to clean up. I am scared to. I don't know how to. this is the inner dialogue that I wrestle with. God I know I should but I don't want to clean up. I don't know how to clean up. if I clean up, what the hell am I going to do with all my energy? What the hell am I going to do with all of my time? classic addict’s mentality. I know. I'm there. I'm in it. I'm dealing with it. I'm attempting to be with it unconditionally and with appreciation. God I don't want to get fucking fat. LOL. people who get clean start eating more and get fat. fuck that. etc. etc. and so it is.


Dear Providence,
I really believe it is a personal decision that one comes to on and off throughout their lives... sometimes we feel this desire for more spiritual community and connection and fulfillment, and sometimes we feel more of a need for philosophical understanding. A healthy balance can be achieved between both I believe in ones lifetime. In fact, it must be. or one will be sacrificing the mind for the heart or vice versa....

Fishy,
thanks for the talk. after our discussion today, i realize that you do understand how i feel and that's a miracle, in my view. you're the first person i've been able to talk to about my struggles with tibetan buddhism and heart vs. mind/philosophical fulfillment vs. spiritual fulfillment who actually understands what i'm saying. i honestly didn't think i'd ever run into anyone who could.

-P




I spent most of the day with the dove in the park. Tenseness still very strong. tightness in my body and constantly feeling nauseous, uptight, anxious. But we talked a bit in this weird way lying on these rocks in a lake by the bank, facing away from each other. and there in that space we were able to express ourselves, say things, without looking at one another, that normally we wouldn’t say. It helped. Less tense. More understanding. More unconditional understanding and acceptance of what is.

Still feel like I talk too much. I just fucking talk too much. I hate that about myself and wish to discreate it. the dove comments that sometimes I am so intense and talkative that I am like a train that just wants to roll over everything in its path, or a big fire that is just burning forward, inflaming everything along the way. need to mellow out dude.

Writing great songs right now. really on a roll. one after the other right now. the dove sends me poems and I turn them into songs in a matter of hours or a day or two. Its great. a whole new thing for me. having someone else pen some lyrics takes a lot of pressure off songwriting for me.


I'll tell you one thing again and again and again. there are a lot of things in life that you can seek advice on and get answers. But there are a lot of other things in life that you can seek answers to and just not find anything except this: ‘you are going to have to decide this for yourself.’ I fucking hate that. I just hate it. I think sometimes when there are things that we want to know the most, these are the things that we are going to have to decide for ourselves. And if you are used to always just getting answers for everything, then you can struggle with that reality. We demand and long for all of the answers. But some of them we are just going to have to supply for ourselves. That is why we are here.