Sept 18th Our first real day of autumn in New York.

Sept 18th
Our first real day of autumn in New York. An actual breeze. A breath of clean fresh air. Smiles on everyone’s faces. Took a few friends to church this morning. Powerful sermon as always. The guy’s on fire. Eloquent and yet emotive and significant at the same time. Powerful music. free music free food free drink free powerful sermons and awesome people to chill with. What more can a person want for a Sunday morning? More and more each day, each week... feeling more liberated from the judging mind, from the confines of thought. And in that there is freedom and bliss. God smiles and you smile back.

If life was large enough I would lovingly embrace every darn one of them for they are all so beautiful. I swear to God I think I am really onto something with this whole fruitplate theory of dating. [should it be a fruitplate or a fruit basket? I guess that depends on how big the plate is.] You know, the whole ‘I found freedom when you said no’ thing. I'm walking down the street carrying this big bouquet of roses that I had just bought and I'm passing all these girls on the street. And there's nothing New York girls like more than a guy in sandals carrying a bouquet of roses. And there is no place in America better for beautiful girls than New York City. [people may mention California or Miami but they just haven't been to New York.] Because all the girls here are just so stylish and cool and smart and witty and have it put together... the only other place in the world where you see this kind of beauty stacked up on top of itself is in Rome.] Anyway, so the theory is I'm thinking I just keep dating all these girls for social events, right, but if you're smart, you never sleep with any of them – because that cuts it to the chase pretty much and you don't want that , so you never fool around with them. You save that for other girls. But with the really great girls you just hang out with them. the best of both worlds man. that's it right there.

I'm sitting out on the stairs and it is a gorgeous day! I mean perfect. the most perfect day of the year so far. there is this couple across the street walking and arguing in Spanish. (well I'm pretty sure they are walking in English, but they are arguing in Spanish.) every few seconds they stop in the middle of the sidewalk and yell at each other, raising their hands and arms with such passion and emotion. Don't you love arguing? If its done from and with love, arguing is a potent aphrodisiac. Passion man. pure passion.

Last screening: Russia, the land of the tsars. Fascinating.

Current read: chronicles, volume one. Dylan’s autobiography.

Sept 17th
Speaking with Providence about how great our lives are... in comparison to so many others’. and yet the human mind always longs for more. still often times longs for more, over-analyzes and criticizes. Even when in the bigger picture, things are so damn good already.



Recognizing how far out I was willing to travel for forcing IT, rather than letting IT, we can know IT by the degree of how much of our ‘real selves’ are we being.... when we are in flow and truly being ourselves, it is close or closer to “IT.” When we are not feeling ourselves, then we can safely assume that it is not “IT.”



Feel a certain sense of fright, as a lot of people do, about the current stream of events in America in relation to the rest of the world. I feel underneath it all a fear that we are about to be attacked again... cannot put my finger on it, but there is something there, that any day we are going to be attacked here at home.

I am seriously in shock and deeply saddened by the fact the people who are in control in our government are so unenlightened that they chose the path they chose over the last two years. they have deliberately created more violence, more danger, more anger, more desperation and resentment in the hearts of those who are currently playing the role of “our enemy” rather than doing the right thing and really getting down to why we were attacked in the first place.

Of course this gives them the benefit of the doubt... that they did not in fact set the whole thing up as a ‘new pearl harbor’ as a way to instigate a reason/justification to attack Iraq etc... at this point is difficult to ascertain what really happened. But if we are to assume that we were really attacked by terrorist forces who ‘hate us’ as the government has lead the world to believe, that in fact it was not an inside job as the evidence is leading many to believe now, then the right thing would be for us to look inward and really try to determine why someone would feel a need to attack us and then do our best to make amends with these people, with the world at large, and attempt to show through our own example what a good true honest just moral fair minded society of enlightened individuals could be like.... we could really help bring peace to the world.

isn't it fascinating that the war-mongers among us always use peace as an excuse to wage war? and isn't it fascinating that they claim to wage war to get peace? And isn't even more fascinating how the majority of the masses of sheep-le out there, in any society, actually fall for these atrocious and barbaric fallacies so easily? They never seem to notice or acknowledge that violence is in fact violence, and peace is in fact peace. And that they are two totally different worlds. we will never bring peace to the world through murder destruction or violence. And yet it is difficult to convince those who are less perceptive than we are of this simple understanding. The truth is that this attack by the US government on the country of Iraq could very well blow up in our faces and turn into something much more devastating to all of us than we could ever imagine. It could lead us to a world war, a never ending domino effect of retaliation, a back and forth of killing and being killed. Why do they not see it, and if they do, why do they not care?

We are being led astray by a very small group of treacherous murderers who are jeopardizing all of our welfare. I am truly fascinated by the red-state mentality that does not seem to recognize this.





Breakfast with Tuesday. At a little French café uptown. A soft boiled egg. Paris ham and gruyere tartine with dark mustard. A larger than life cappuccino. Praline nut butter. She asks me as only she can, to identify what exactly I saw or was attracted to in women, and what I do not like. Where is the attraction and where is the discomfort? Could it be that simple? Important to acknowledge these things so we do not repeat the same experiences more than once, and also so we can truly create what we want in our life. we then apply the same principles to her life. and we get great learning and growing from this.

I love the ‘brilliant’ aspect in women. I label it important, in fact very necessary. I love the dreamer aspect, but I do not like the air-head aspect. I love the visionary quality. I love the motivated/ambitious/in her own world, doing her own thing independently quality in girls. Important. I more than prefer but actually need, congruity and honesty in speech and action. Not willing to settle for less than that. I love the intellectual battle of wits. But we recognize that there is a subtle difference between combative/righteous debate that weakens the spirit and a loving challenging debate between two brilliant minds that strengthens the spirit. There is a difference. And I prefer the latter. We agree that we both prefer the latter.

But if we never take the time to check it out and to really analyze what it is that attracts us to people, then we will never see what it is that we are attracting and why. we will be settling for many things that we do not prefer and not know why, just because we are receiving a few other things that we do like. This was huge for me. and for her as well. when you begin to acknowledge this, you can see that there is no blame. That in the larger picture it is an umbilical-corded subliminal game we are playing with other beings... and in the end, there can be no blame. We are choosing the game out of these attractions and repulsions/resistances with others and it is just as much “us” as it is “them.” no blame. Only appreciation.

From this viewpoint one can see the world of romance and love from a birds-eye view, shift easily in and out of affairs or the heart until a true fit occurs that builds, strengthens, inspires, and rejuvenates and grows us.

Last screening: Howard Zinn biography. Awesome man. truly inspirational.


Sept 16th
The white dove has flown. Before she departed we met for dried fruit, cheese, and coffee martinis and to clear some space. And it was indeed a subtle battle. Few minced words. all out in the open. Swords out, slicing into each other, though liquid, still wounding. Fencing, dueling, battling. I truly fucking hate her. and yet, at the same time, I truly love her. it is as our friend Remington Steele points out, a challenge that we are all called to for whatever reasons... it is involuntary unconditionality, entirely possessed by it, and frankly it was fucking driving me crazy because it wasn't a hundred percent. I hadn't slept in weeks. so I found freedom in her no. again. I tell her ‘you know what. this is fine. In fact its better than fine. Its great. now I have the freedom to do what I want, more time to be me.’ ‘you're just little lord Fauntleroy. You are inspired by what you cannot have. you think you can get whatever you want, and when you can’t get it, you are inspired and you want it more.’ ‘What are you like a psychology major or something?’ ‘don't be mean.’ ‘whatever.’ ‘don't whatever me. we are supposed to be talking.’ ‘we are talking... o.k. I will try to be nicer. This will calm eventually and we will be nicer.’ ‘do you think so?’ ‘yes I do.’ ‘me too.’ ‘But I'm telling you that I get the best of both worlds in this, so its fine. I still get that in love feeling you know walking around kicking my heels from it and writing tons of great songs, and yet I buy more time to be myself for a little longer, and get a little more action...’ ‘that is so gross. I'm not listening if you are going to speak that way.’ she puts her fingers in her ears and starts going ‘lalalalalalala... I'm not listening....’

[I was stunned by this notion. No matter how ridiculously unfair and silly it seemed to be, it was entirely true. I think this is where the ‘I found freedom when you said no’ song came from. The idea held water. I could still find myself madly in love with the dove, with Princess Little Tree who lived half way across the world, with the raven in Israel if I wanted to... and as long as none of them accepted or pusehd the issue, or wanted to commit permanently, then I was as free as a bird to just keep being inspired and in love with all of them. Freedom; and yet, as an artist, I’m still getting the juice of being in love with them to a certain degree.]

A lot of good spirited conversation concerning things of this nature. The higher quantum realm where we feel this bigger than us thing at play and the ego-infested world where we in physical reality exist and muck it up. we are just ruining it... just by invading the space where this cosmic life transforming thing that we have fallen into exists... diseasing it with our minds and opinions... we would be a lot better off by just not saying a thing. she was right in that... in her request for silent meditation. but I finally succumbed to the fact that perhaps we are both just too immature to deal with it. fine. ‘you know, I still don't even believe you. you're afraid.’ ‘you're afraid.’ ‘yes. I am. I'm o.k. with that. but at least I can tell you how I feel.’ ‘well I am telling you how I feel.’ ‘I know you are. I hear you. but I don't believe you.’ ‘well don't get hurt.’ ‘well you don't get hurt.’ ‘I won't.’ ‘well neither will I.’ ‘are we still going to go to the opera together then?’ crazy. total Alice in wonderland experience...

Dueling. exploring. Both of us slightly bitter. But still in that space where we are happy to be in each other’s space. like that. reminds me a lot of Cleopatra actually. Young, smart, pretty, energetic, defensive, offensive, contrary, opinionated on the outside, vulnerable on the inside, and slightly confused, head in the clouds, but grounded in some weird way about it. an unsafe and fucking devastating combination for me. my brief relationship with Princess Little Tree was so easy, so effortless, and so I'm used to that. I mean, now I know that that is possible. It didn't get any easier than that... And yes its way better. You feel part of a team. Like you're building something with someone. This constant dueling is not good for me. there is no safety in it. Tuesday tells me that perhaps there is something in these kind of girls that obviously attracts me or I still wouldn’t be attracting them. she's right. Tuesday is fucking A+. you know, her personality is perfect. I sometimes think she is some kind of a Guru... if I had attraction to her in the romantic realm... that would be a very easy one for both of us. but things are as they are. our feelings are our feelings.

I did come to understand in a very real physical way what it is like when a girl likes you like that and you don't like them back. it does hurt. And in a way it was good for me to be reminded of how it feels so I am more careful with girls when I am hanging out with them. so as not to hurt them. and now I also understand why when you tell a girl that you don't feel that way about them, why they feel the need to get away from you and not speak with you. I would always fight with them about that. but I understand now. sometimes its just necessary. You have to get space.

But regardless, that is that. the dove has flown and I have ten days to regroup and stabilize. Get back on track. the whole thing just threw me completely. Came out of nowhere and hit me in the back of the head like a sledgehammer. It is good to be reminded of these feelings. It is an amazing thing. whatever you call it. infatuation. Obsession perhaps. we stay open, we enjoy the ride.

in the end love is going to transcend all of that. so there is hope in that. that's where the hope is. if you’re smart you play a game for the fun of it, but you don't live in it. its sport. Not life. life is real. Sport is sport.

The lessons. Love hits us. it is a natural. it can knock us down. it is something beyond looks and shape and face; beyond eyes and beauty; beyond style and class and fashion; beyond dreams and fantasies and similarities and common interests. It is cosmic. It is beyond this realm. And that's why we call it love. It is indescribable and entirely unobtainable unless it is granted by the gods. It is either there or it is not there. that's what this year was about. it works or it doesn’t. it is when we try to control it or shape it... that is when the problems set it.

I had let the ropes loose off the bow and just said fuck it I'm going to keep traveling onward anyway... there was mystery and excitement up ahead in the murky uncharted waters...

And there wasn't a moment I felt comfortable. But always very excited. An eagerness but not a comfort. You know. as if I was trading a lot... for this sense of excitement, a passion, but not a comfort. And I believe that I was deceiving a bit, allowing myself to be deceived a bit as well, and just going for the excitement of it... rather than breathing into it and being a Jedi. I noticed that was there... always that pain in the belly. Knowing that something wasn't right about the path, but just kind of trying to sneak down the path anyway... smile. You know, the lessons are the little pots of gold we pick up along the path. Fun stuff. the gifts of life.

One thing I will say is that I have never written so many songs in one period like this. she is right in the fact that it was a kind of muse thing. and for that I am eternally grateful. Girls are such amazing muses. Love is really. Entirely intoxicating. And as an artist I feed off of it. without love, without girls, I almost never write, and certainly not with this kind of passion... But it has its ups and downs, as with any drug. songwriting is awesome right now. I am on fire. Unstoppable. As soon as this legal battle is over, I will bury myself in the studio and just record for months straight to get all these songs down. Today it took me all of five minutes to write the song ‘everywhere she is there.’ and it’s fucking beautiful and brilliant.


“Can you imagine
what it would be like
to become aware
of an omnipresent ocean
of wild divine love
that has always been a secret to you
in the same way
that the sea is invisible to a fish?”
-- Rob Breszny

Little 8 year old Kasper from upstairs has been shouting out band names for me while I'm trying to write here... here are his ideas for cool band names. Feel free to use them: Tickle my pickle, the ek gangsters, the dark devils, pig ass, American wasteland is his favorite, the revenge of the nerds, foschizel my nizzle, Kissco, blood baths, cops on fire, happy taco, the undertaker, coming down from hell... the kid is brilliant.

current spin. The dandy warhols Come down. I love this album so much. Listening to it on my ipod on the subway – totally packed with people. and I'm just rocking out hard with myself and these earbuds. And I'm juking up and down in my own little dandy warhols world, and everyone is looking at me like ‘this guy is going at it! he might be crazy...’ You know, when the subway is packed like that, and I mean PACKED, where everyone is just crammed together like sardines or pigs in the truck before slaughter, there is nothing like the ipod. It is survival itself when it comes to the subways. And the Dandys really do rule. I am so into them.