Oct 11th
Dreamt of Cleopatra this morning. this was the second night in a row. There were two aspects to it: one was this overwhelming feeling of love between us. we were in a carpet store (where else are we going to be, right? it is a dream after all. haha) and we are shopping for carpet. We then wake up from sleeping right there on a big stack of carpets in the middle of the store and it is as if for a moment we are waking up from all of this current mess that we are involved in right now with one another in real life. it was intensely magical. We woke up and looked at each other all-sparkly and madly in love just as if it was five years ago. She whispered to me with sleepy eyes, ‘you better hurry up and love me now before we wake up and start arguing again.’ and I responded, ‘why? can you feel me loving you?’ ‘yes, of course silly. but once we start arguing over things we aren't going to be able to feel it; it always ruins it for us...’ So I grabbed her to hug her and did my best to show her physically and with my words how much I truly loved her and we just melted into one another. this was the first time I had felt this kind of love in years.

the other aspect was this scene just afterwards where she goes up to this huge wall I had full of writing that I had been working on as part of a project that must have been forty feet by twenty feet high and she touches something and half the writing disappears and is lost forever. this is classic Cleopatra. always accidentally messing up my work from just one touch... I am torn between being intensely angry and wanting to still love her. there is not much to figure out with this one. this has been the story since we met lifetimes ago I am sure.

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I sincerely believe that the Transcendence Diaries must end for a spell. For many many many reasons.

I have struggled with trying to determine the cause of me being so able and willing to write in the diaries and yet never feeling capable of or desiring to work on all the other books and screenplays I have started and always seem to be working on but never quite finish. This morning it just came to me: the diaries are a free for all. I just shoot out whatever I want to however and whenever I want to. no will or discipline or skill needed. Its just blogging, and after all, we clearly see now, anyone can blog. My God, everybody does effing blog. So the novelty of the diaries, started back in 2002 – once so cool and fresh and new – has certainly worn off.

The difference is that with all these other half finished manuscripts of different projects, it’s going to take some time, dedication, skill, commitment, and discipline to actually complete them in a way where we can do something with them. If I spent even half the time working on other works that I do writing in the diaries, then we would surely be on the other side of the fence called ‘oh yeah I remember that one; wrote it back in___________ fill in the blank.’ Whereas now we’re still in ‘oh yeah, I'm still working on this this this and this now.’



But I will leave for a spell with this in mind:

Give up the idea of prediction. Give up psychic readings. Give up astrology and horoscopes. Give up preconceptions. Be only in the moment and observe. Make your observations and conclusions from this space. From a place where you decide what you want and you use self-discipline and your will to get it.

And this:
We have love-feelers. Call it “the heart.” Call them love-synapses, love-neuro-transmitters. They look for love. They seek the love-chemical. They seek to love and to receive love. If you do not use them, feed them, they will still exist. They will still long for love, and seek out loving and receiving love. They will grab onto anything to love and get love from. It is there. underneath it all. I have begun to understand that it is the most important thing of all. Find love.