Oct 12th
Find that when I date girls that aren't the ONE, you know, that one dream girl you spend your whole life thinking about and imagining building a home and family with one day... girls who I don't think that we are going to have a long term together, I get this uncomfortable nauseas feeling. It feels like I'm doing something wrong. I know all my other guy friends think I'm nuts and would give their left testicle to be able to date a different hot girl every night, and indeed they scream at me everyday about what an idiot I am for being such a wuss and turning down the opps a lot of the times. But for the life of me I just can’t shake it. last night as I was walking with Manuela I was so overcome with this feeling of trauma about it, just because we were hanging out... what came to me was that if you know a girl is not the one, you know, like not a girl/THE girl that you would want to be with for a long time or build a family with, like, if she's not knocking you OUT right then and there, then you just might not have any business being with her or hanging out with her at all. cause really you're just getting her hopes up. I mean, plenty of guys date girls that there's no way they are going to be with long term, and the girls know it, but they do it anyway, so what's the big deal. I mean, this is what one voice in my head says anyway. I mean, if you guys go out and have fun then what's the big deal.

But because you know, the truth is, is that at first when we date someone we have that little window open where we can take them or leave them you know. like that. but once you start fooling around then it all changes. It gets more intense. You both get attached. Even when you think or say that you aren't attached you still are. Remember vanilla sky???!!!! That's what I'm talking about. pretty soon you have chicks chasing you around town freaking out, or worse yet, you just get that sick feeling inside like you know they are hurting and its because you took them out a bunch of times and worse you fooled around with them and they totally started liking you but you didn't like them as much back and now they are really sad and confused and hurt and don't understand... ugh. What a fucking nightmare.

I think the key is just to keep things really really casual and platonic. No matter what. that's what you'd want Mrs. Right to be doing till she meets you anyway. but I'll tell you, even when I do that I get a weird feeling that I don't like. Its weird though because its like I only get that weird feeling with some, not with all. like with little Brit I never get that. but maybe that's because we don't actually date but we just hang out like Tuesday and i. more like bro and sis. And maybe that's what it comes down to. as long as you just keep it really casual and platonic. Its almost like you can feel when you are starting to like someone that you know you shouldn’t. you know? and you can feel when they are starting to like you when they shouldn’t. and I think that's where the discomfort comes in. Because if you already know that there is not a long term potential there, then you know, you're kind of wasting each other’s times.

Lots more details I could go into here to better illustrate the subject but due to the public nature of the diaries we’ll just leave it at that. But I'll tell you, I would love to just be able to date and not feel sick about it all the time. I swear to God I feel like I'm cheating half the time and this has been going on for four years! but who the hell I'm cheating on? totally effing crazy.