I believe that when we say that God is on our side, or that it is gods will, that what we mean is that we feel right with something. it is something that we have fully integrated, and something that feels good to us.

Of course the Muslims who attacked America on 9/11 felt that God was on their side in that. and maybe he was. Their God. who knows? and the bush administration felt like God was on their side when they invaded the country of Iraq. And again, maybe he was. Who knows? but with all this talk of God taking sides, one can easily sit on the sidelines and wonder if God being on anyone's side at this point is just a real dangerous belief to hold in consciousness.

But still, objectively, we can feel when God is with us at some times. just this energy. At least that's what we tell ourselves. But again, with that in mind, if we are telling ourselves that in certain situations, and yet others are telling themselves that same thing when they destroying rather than creating, taking human life, rather than saving it.... just makes you think.... where is God in all this? I mean, does he/she/it have an opinion of it?

When Europe stole America from the Native Americans we told ourselves that God was on our side. Same thing when we enslaved the Africans to build this great land. Looking back most of us would agree we were wrong there. looking back now most would agree that no God of theirs would condone such actions. so is God just a pawn for us to use at our own discretion. And if not, then why doesn’t he do anything about the brutal indecencies that are performed in his name? I've said the same thing about the Nazis when they were attempting to extinguish the Jews. They honestly felt that God was on their side in that. was he? The Jews that were being murdered also felt that God was on their side. And the Americans who came in to help also felt that God was on their side in coming in to help save the Jews. Tricky stuff. just who is this God and why doesn’t he make it known which side he is on sometimes? Every now and then he could come around to remind us of what is right, rather than just making us guess all the time. I'm sure that would help out quite a bit.

I think sometimes when we think about God. When we say things like ‘God will take care of it,’ or ‘God will always make sure everything is alright,’ there is this hesitancy, this discomfort, because there times in our past, in all of our pasts, where that just wasn't the case, where things didn't work out so well. There are times when we can look back and think ‘wow, where was God then?’ For me, the biggest challenge is maintaining faith in the God concept in spite of mounting evidence that he either doesn’t exist at all, or just doesn’t care. 

O.k. what an adventure. I had to call a cab from the apartment and have him take all my luggage to the new hotel. And then I had to follow him. We’re talking like ten or more miles, maybe more. about a half hour drive right through the center of Rome from the bottom all the way to the top of it. I was following him on my scooter. He was driving very fast. through all these little streets, huge squares, and mammoth highways. Traffic everywhere. it was right out of a movie. Me following as close behind him as possible, sometimes driving up to 80 kms. If all that wasn't enough he takes me right into piazza di spagna (what we call the very famous “Spanish Steps”) which is where my new abode is, and this is a pedestrian only area and I'm whizzing through it on their motorcycle trying to follow him and these cops are chasing me. but I'm thinking ‘I'll just keep going and act like I don't see them, how much farther can this hotel be?’ they finally catch up to me blowing their whistles and everything and by now all the tourists are watching this. because of all the ruckus in this huge square. This lady cop starts shouting at me and pointing for me to pull over, thinking I'm Italian. and I'm like, (in Italian of course) I'm sorry I don't speak Italian. What are you saying?” and she's screaming back, “you don't speak Italian?! you speak Italian just fine! What the hell is wrong with you?! why didn't you stop?! Blah blah blah.” Finally the taxi cab driver comes running back to us shouting “he's an American. he's trying to follow me. i have all his luggage in my cab.” And she's like, “I don't give a shit. He's in a pedestrian only area and you know it. why did you let him come whizzing through here on that scooter like that?! you know better.” It went on and on. I continued to plead that I knew nothing about this and was simply following a cab. She was getting very angry at me and told me I had to walk this scooter like a mile in the opposite direction. At which I said very politely, ‘no way. I'm too tired. My hotel is that way. please let me walk it to my hotel.’ and miraculously she said yes. What a mess. It was one of those comedies from the seventies. Me and the lady cop, who was very hot and sexy by the way, and the cabby all arguing in front of thousands of tourists. And her waving this ticket book like it was life or death if she gave us a ticket. And I'm thinking I hope she does give me a ticket. I will fucking rip it up right in her face, hop on my scooter and take off down some alley. Then it will turn into a woody Allen movie. Classic. 

So. I woke up this morning and I just knew I needed to move. You live in one of these tenement buildings like this old one and you share a common courtyard with maybe fifty other apartments. Which is fin except in Italy where there is no AC. So everyone leaves all their windows open. All day and all night. so by 6 am you are wide awake to every conceivable sound from everyone else who is waking up. its really gross but you hear every person burp, use the bathroom, cough sneeze, talk to their spouses or kids, walking their dogs, making their breakfast, etc, etc. so by 6 am I was laying awake in their sweaty old disgusting bed listening to all these strange people do their thing. And I didn't get to sleep until maybe 2 or 3 because I was so hot. And I was just like o.k. now I  know what the lesson is. get the fuck out of situations that don't serve you. and next time don't take so long. I made it school. Groggy as hell and late as always because I got way lost and drove miles out of the city of Rome cause I got caught on some stupid expressway driving way faster than I had any right to be, but just to keep up with traffic so I didn’t get run over. By the time I got to class I was angry and grumpy and stressed.

After a while I cooled into what is turning into a very good class. Better than the one in Florence. This class is all adults rather than teenagers. We have a Ukrainian, two Slovakians, two Germans, a French man, me from the States, a Brasilian, a lady from Congo in Africa, a lady from Chile, and an Argentina. So lots of different languages floating around the room. Very little English, which sucks for me. But maybe that is a good thing in the long run. I am forced to speak italian or Spanish or Portuguese. or mumble in English while everyone laughs at me for trying to speak English to a teacher who doesn’t speak it.  

Rome. What is it like? Not as a tourist. If you’ve been here or you do come here someday as a tourist, stay three or four days to see the sites, casually walking the streets while you eat your gelato, shut up because you have no idea what its like. I'm talking what is it like if you are living here and driving around all over the place on a scooter or in a car, trying to find your way around and find a grocery store and drycleaners etc. totally different thing. For one thing, yes it is very hot, as one recent Navy guy from the states I met said, ‘you spend a lot of the day just thinking about how hot you are and trying to find places with ac.’ For another thing. The city is every bit as big as New York. Rome is huge. Its like Sao Paulo or Tokyo. But there is no grid system here like in New York. After all the city is twenty-five hundred years old. So its just a big jumble of streets and highways and plazas and squares and alleys and whatever else you can imagine. They go straight, crooked, diagonal. They cut off after only a block sometimes. And of course they are all one way. so you may be driving one way and then the street just cuts off and you can’t go anymore. You have to turn or turn around. Its just crazy. And there a very few traffic lights. So everyone just drives however they want to. the fastest and the bravest one wins. This is the only rule of the roads here from what I can tell. There are even fewer street signs. A lot of times you have to drive really far looking everywhere just to see what street you are driving on. This is all stuff that is hard to get used to if you live in the United States of perfection. Where everything is in its right place. 

"Are you there God?"

"Yes. I am here."

"Who are you?"

"I am you. And much more. I am all that is. I am I."

"How do I know it's you and not me?"

If we were born on a desert island with no one else but our self around. Worked and lived and played, all alone, all our life on this desert island, with no one else to be seen, would our mind conceive of the notion of God if no one ever told us of such a thing? How would we create it? If there were no books around, no bible, no religions, no voluminous tomes about heaven and hell and God this and God that, would we one day look up at the sky and just think the thought, “God is up there.” What would he/she/it be like? Would God talk to us? Reveal himself to us? Knowing that we have no way of knowing that he exists on our own? Would we still pray? Would we even consider it? Would we recreate the God concept all on our own? If so, what would we call him/it?  

"Are you there God?"

"Yes."

"What do I call you?"

"What do you want to call me?"

"I don't care. I just want to know that you exist."

"Well who are you talking to then?"

"What if it's just me?"

"What if it is?"

Current Spin: Phoenix, United. I love this CD so much. Hip fresh old school summer pop.

Last Good Movies: 13 Conversations About Nothing. Life or Something Like It.