Another dream. Out in the ocean with jazz, hanging on this sinking boat. Trying to save someone or something. Watching my feet dangle in the water. Had this sinking feeling that any minute something awful was going to happen. Frightened with our legs dangling there, out in the middle of nowhere. I turn to jazz in a moment of silence. “What's going to happen here? Is it going to be a shark thing or some other monsters? Or is it going to be like pirates or bad people attacking us?” as if it was already written. I don't remember her answer.

Is all of this nothing but a dream? Lives already planned out? the future predestined? Can we change our destinies? Is it as simple as “pirates or sharks?” or is it as simple as “I choose neither.” I wonder.

As men we have always desperately wanted to feel as though we were the creators of our own destinies. And yet it is a concept that we have always been deathly afraid of and unable to fully integrate. We have never lived without our gods. There is a timeless philosophical argument that has filled the time of men with nothing better to do than earn honorary degrees for the ignoble task of debating the undebatable. It is known as the ‘free will versus determinism’ argument. It is what led me to abandon philosophy in college. Being predetermined that I would be born a rather philosophical thinker myself, I quickly decided that there was no need for me to pursue an education in something that I was already an expert at. Arguing the useless was a gift I afforded myself many hours of as youth.

As I grew older I soon began to realize that it was one of the weaknesses of all of us, one that on many occasions contributed to our wretched fate while we've been here. I listened as religious leaders preached the idea of God’s gift of free will to us one minute, and then contradicted themselves with the words ‘if it is God’s will’ in the next. All around us we see the proof positive that indeed we are born with this free will. But in moments of extreme victory or defeat, take your pick, we succumb again and again to the idea of determinism or destiny. It is a noble belief. And one cannot fault a man for falling to it. How many times have we fallen in love and felt that it was destiny? When we break up with that same person years or decades later, we find comfort in telling ourselves and others that ‘it was meant to be.’

Yes, it is easier that way. In times of need it can give us strength. But it is not a position of strength. It can give us comfort, but in times of great need, when it appears that all is against us, it is not comforting to believe that destiny itself is working against us. this is the time when we need most to honor this great gift of our free will. our belief in the gods has always worked to our detriment. Except of course when we have had nothing else to believe in. Men have staked entire empires and civilizations on their belief in gods and destiny. Only to lose it all. is that itself a destiny? Or simply free will gone amuck?

For as much as I cherish my free will, I have never for a moment let go of my own belief in my own destiny. That is the great mystery. For all of us. if I cross the street now I could get run over by a car. But if I stay standing here I could just easily get struck by lightening. Free will. Destiny. Will there never be an answer? If we ever do find an answer, let it be known that here, now, today, in these times, that we still hadn't a clue.

Happy birthday Tree!

Woke up from a few bad dreams about Cleo. Still many things in my life that have to do with her, little things that she gave me or that were once hers. Just laying around, considering that I packed pretty light for this trip. It is amazing how even the smallest simplest items like face cream or something can remind you of a person. Or a pen they gave you. I understand why she went through this phase where she took everything out of her house that had anything to do with us. I think you have to. 

Today was the first day of my history of renaissance art class. 

Our art history professor Donatello, a cool mofo...

Besides being truly badass because I am in Florence the home of the fucking renaissance, it is also cool because it is entirely in Italian. So I pretty much sit there and look at the pictures and don't understand anything being said. Which is nice. Cause I can’t take notes cause I don't know what s going on. But the pictures are nice. and I find it actually to be a good way to learn the language cause you have to. what a pleasure it is to be learning this here rather than in some other school somewhere. When he talks about the major figures and the works, he is talking about our own neighborhood that we are living in. Right here where the school is. So he shows us the birth of Venus by Bottecelli and then asks me, “did you see it the other day at the Uffizi gallery when you were there?” or “yes I think he painted this right over there and points to some piazza somewhere. He used to sit and paint there everyday at lunch, referring to di fillipo or some other artist. Its hard to believe actually. And we are sitting in a room in some building next door to Michelangelo’s house. The school is called the institute of Michelangelo and has been around since God was a little boy. It would be like studying opera in Vienna I guess, or fashion in Paris or Milan. In our class we are still working from the very beginning of when it all began, the search for proper perspective and depth in painting and sculpture. It is fascinating.     

And if that weren't enough, I just recently learned that ice cream (gelato) was invented here in Florence also during the renaissance. This is amazing, no? Seriously. In the summer of 1565 this cat named Buontalenti who is actually a famous architect responsible for a few of the cities most famous buildings was so hot that he invented ice cream because he discovered how to freeze fat working on his chemistry experiments in the nights. A renaissance man of course. These people are amazing. And yes there is a gelato place on every single corner. I told my teacher that this was more impressive than all this art lying all over the place in this city. He looked at me like I said something sacrilegious. 

I dreamt last night that the world was at war. All over the world in my dream there was war. Pain, death, fear, panic everywhere. I found some friends. They let me in through this chain link fence with barbed wire which led to a different world underneath everything on the surface. They told me that this is where we have to go right now to get away from all the war on the earth. Stay here. it's safe. I awoke from the dream feeling that although things may get pretty creepy and downright ugly over the next few months or years, that somewhere beneath the surface there is still a large group of us who see through to the other side. As the powers that be fight their petty battles over imaginary distinctions between right and wrong there is still hope among us that in the end there is the shining light within us all that knows that somewhere there is a win-win game waiting to unfold for us all. 

Someone had commented ‘imagine what will happen on the planet when we start using all of our resources among us to start helping each other rather than fighting and hurting each other.’ Imagine if instead of countries like America or china or Russia or Iraq or Korea continuing to build up their armies and war machines they instead started building up their feed the hungry machines or their cure the sick machines or their empower your neighbor machines. Why are companies that build weapons of mass destruction for profit, and companies that are trying to feed the millions who are hungry or stop human rights violations non-profit? When did we first decide to start pedaling backwards? And I am always struck by our willingness to allow this to still exist here. we hear about the billions of dollars that are made by giant multi-national companies by the production of weapons of mass destruction. But at the same time we are also often reminded by our governments of how little money and resources there are to really solve the world’s hunger, homeless, famine, and sickness problems. So obviously something is not right. like our giant collective brain as a people is just not working quite right yet.