Another dream. Out in the ocean with jazz, hanging on this sinking boat. Trying to save someone or something. Watching my feet dangle in the water. Had this sinking feeling that any minute something awful was going to happen. Frightened with our legs dangling there, out in the middle of nowhere. I turn to jazz in a moment of silence. “What's going to happen here? Is it going to be a shark thing or some other monsters? Or is it going to be like pirates or bad people attacking us?” as if it was already written. I don't remember her answer.

Is all of this nothing but a dream? Lives already planned out? the future predestined? Can we change our destinies? Is it as simple as “pirates or sharks?” or is it as simple as “I choose neither.” I wonder.

As men we have always desperately wanted to feel as though we were the creators of our own destinies. And yet it is a concept that we have always been deathly afraid of and unable to fully integrate. We have never lived without our gods. There is a timeless philosophical argument that has filled the time of men with nothing better to do than earn honorary degrees for the ignoble task of debating the undebatable. It is known as the ‘free will versus determinism’ argument. It is what led me to abandon philosophy in college. Being predetermined that I would be born a rather philosophical thinker myself, I quickly decided that there was no need for me to pursue an education in something that I was already an expert at. Arguing the useless was a gift I afforded myself many hours of as youth.

As I grew older I soon began to realize that it was one of the weaknesses of all of us, one that on many occasions contributed to our wretched fate while we've been here. I listened as religious leaders preached the idea of God’s gift of free will to us one minute, and then contradicted themselves with the words ‘if it is God’s will’ in the next. All around us we see the proof positive that indeed we are born with this free will. But in moments of extreme victory or defeat, take your pick, we succumb again and again to the idea of determinism or destiny. It is a noble belief. And one cannot fault a man for falling to it. How many times have we fallen in love and felt that it was destiny? When we break up with that same person years or decades later, we find comfort in telling ourselves and others that ‘it was meant to be.’

Yes, it is easier that way. In times of need it can give us strength. But it is not a position of strength. It can give us comfort, but in times of great need, when it appears that all is against us, it is not comforting to believe that destiny itself is working against us. this is the time when we need most to honor this great gift of our free will. our belief in the gods has always worked to our detriment. Except of course when we have had nothing else to believe in. Men have staked entire empires and civilizations on their belief in gods and destiny. Only to lose it all. is that itself a destiny? Or simply free will gone amuck?

For as much as I cherish my free will, I have never for a moment let go of my own belief in my own destiny. That is the great mystery. For all of us. if I cross the street now I could get run over by a car. But if I stay standing here I could just easily get struck by lightening. Free will. Destiny. Will there never be an answer? If we ever do find an answer, let it be known that here, now, today, in these times, that we still hadn't a clue.

Happy birthday Tree!