So I'm here in this new office now.  I am still not used to it. But I like it. I have decided to try to completely separate from Cleopatra and the businesses that we have together as much as possible. Its really like starting over.  Just totally starting over.  I'm used to having this very large staff working for me and now its just me since my assistant moved to Boston. I'm not rehiring one because honestly I just don't have the money from the record company yet. So if I'm not working at the other companies and I'm just trying to work at building the band and the record company then I'm just going to have to go it alone right now. so yes its fucking very weird. I'm used to being a CEO at two multi-million dollar companies by day and a singer/songwriter by night, trying to build a fledgling independent record label with a small staff. and I'm used to all the expected benefits that go along with being in that position. So now its like when I need an office supply its like I have to find a way to get it myself. Its pretty weird. Or when I need lunch I have to call for it myself. Or booking appointments, or booking travel, or just fucking anything. God just writing this is fucking depressing me. I have to even pay my own bills. I haven't even been in a bank in seven years. I haven't licked a stamp in ??? I don't know, years. the other day I went to the post office for the first time since I think the mid nineties. That will definitely be the first and last time I ever go to a fucking us post office. I can’t believe people deal with those lines. No sensible person would. So even errands I will run myself for a while. Facts are facts. I resigned. I am no longer the CEO of two huge companies; I am just a singer now, trying to get his band and his record company to actually make money rather than just spend money. A daunting task. I am CEO now of a very small company that cannot even afford to pay me. so that's the facts. So no assistant. But as I write this I smile, because we may be under funded, but I am still smart. I am still the brilliant entrepreneur I always have been. I have built many businesses up from nothing and I will do the same with this one. I believe in it. I believe in the music we are making as a band. And I believe in myself as a songwriter. And as a business man and entrepreneur. But none of that is making it easy...

Deliberately stayed in bed late today. I just refused to get up. Tossed and turned for hours. Drifting in and out of semi-sleep for hours. Trying to relax for the show tonight. Meditate on everything I wanted for the day and for the week. I haven't done that for a long time. Band sounded amazing yesterday in rehearsal. Everyone walked away all smiles and high fives. One of those sexual dreams this morning where you look at the person for the next few days and you can’t help but look at them funny. I look down at my assistant who is lying on a bed (?) and she says do you want to work or do you want to make love. And I bend over her and say well can you get another job because I've already been there. and she says you know I love my job. So I say, o.k. well lets work. But you know now I won't be looking at her in the eyes for like three days. We’ll be working together and I'll just look down at the ground all day. Funny.

   

I don't know if as a man you ever let go of this strong sexual attraction you have towards women. It's not like it's any kind of woman in particular. It's just women in general. It could be the waitress or your best friends mom or any girl you see on the street. You just kind of lust after every girl you see. You try to explain it to girls and they think you are joking or exaggerating. They just have no clue how serious we are. It's not like you want to necessarily make it with every girl you see, maybe just every other one. and that doesn’t mean that you don't love your wife or your girlfriend or whatever, because you do. It's two totally separate things. You’ve got that love going there and that loyalty and commitment and all and then at the same time you also have this inner drive to just make it with every girl you can. Wild.

I've been pretty good at taming it over the last few years. Especially when I was in a serious relationship. It's just that sometimes I ask myself well why tame it? you get that strong sexual desire coming up inside of you so strong sometimes that it feels like you are going to go crazy. You almost start to feel violent. Sometimes when I was in a serious relationship I would feel trapped. Almost like a caged animal. So then I started feeling like it was kind of unnatural to try to calm it all the time. I mean why not just go for it. Just go crazy for a while. I mean just go totally crazy with it. give in to the beast and ride it hard into the great night. Going for every last fantasy whim and desire you have ever had. So I tried it for a while. In the last year I think I was with about 27 girls. I didn't make it with all of them. A lot of them I just dated and whatever goes along with that. but I did whatever I wanted to. Fulfilled a lot of fantasies. Took it to the limit. And what I noticed is that you can do it, but it's not the easiest thing to make love with someone if you don't have a relationship with them. You can do it. but it doesn’t necessarily come easy or natural. When that love vibe is not in the air you can have a tough time making it happen if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong. You can do it. but it's not like fireworks are going off.

Where as if you do have those fireworks going off, and you have that butterfly feeling inside your chest and your stomach then it really makes a difference. It doesn’t necessarily take away from the excitement of some of those fantasies when you don't know the person or whatever, but I think that having that with someone that you have a real bond with, a relationship with, your dream lover, your soulmate… that really makes a difference. It really makes all the difference in the world. I think that if the leaders of the world the kings and queens and bush’s and Hussein’s and Sharon’s made love more often, then the world would be a much more peaceful place. Last year bush and his wife and this is funny but really kind of sad too, had all the sex parts of all the movies they show on air-force one, the presidential jet so he and his wife wouldn’t see any sex scenes in any of the Hollywood movies. Now you wonder why this guy is so gung-ho to go to war. I mean he really just needs to let loose a little. You know, I respect him so much for what he is going through so I'm not going to go off on him but man, that's pretty scary. I'm not saying he should be doing 21 year old interns in the oval office, (but can you imagine? I mean God bless bill, really from all of us, for every man who has ever lived, you look back on that now and wow… ) There’s a fine line obviously. If sex is the whole trip that can get pretty boring, but when you’re just enjoying it as part of the over all big picture, then that's the balanced diet that’ll keep you fit and trim and happy healthy wealthy and wise.    

Current Spin: best of Sugarhill Records. A hip hop you don't stop a rockin….. Lou Reed, Metal Machine Music, nothing better to wake up to.