The longer I know Cleopatra the more I realize my own foolishness and weakness for not allowing myself to see her true nature years before...    I don't think I have ever met someone so full of it. if she doesn’t need anything she is quiet. non-communicative, not there for me at all. but when she wants something, she will call and be so nice on the phone it is as if she is a different person. now I don't even listen to her when she calls. don't ever get sucked in. I used to really internalize her problems, her pain, her sorrow of being. Always trying to be there for her. as a protector, as a father figure. But now... I can barely even listen to her when she speaks. I just feel almost no sincerity coming from her at all. I have an amazing array of close friendships with ex-girls. Very lucky in that. don't know where I went wrong with Cleo. Don't know if there was anything I could do different really. Last year on my birthday she called me ten times screaming about something or the other, not even aware that it was my birthday.... six years with someone and she is so absorbed in her day to day drama that she doesn’t remember its my birthday until I remind her.... of course she felt bad and emailed a million times afterwards apologizing... but it was too late... that was it really...the end of the line. it was the last time I ever took her seriously. for the last few years I really tried to hang on to Cleopatra because we were so close for so long. I think it was selfish on my part. Feeling that I really needed to be good friends with all my exs. But now I don't even care. That's a rather shallow goal in and of itself. I believe now that it is more important just to be friends with the people in your life who are really there for you, whether you spent a lot of time with them in the past or not. move on. It doesn’t mean the time we spent together wasn't good. because some of it was. but now is now. then was then. good lesson. Some people we are not meant to spend our whole lives with... even as friends. I know this also because the Italian Stallion doesn’t speak with me anymore. We live less then twnty blocks from one another but we just never speak. Who knows why. but I respect it. honor it. move on. Doesn’t mean I don't miss speaking with her. but you know, that's life. in our hearts I think, in our dreams, we still hold a very special place for everyone we have ever been close to. they are there in our hearts and in our mind’s eye always and forever.

Look, I love you. I love what we have. this... is sacred. You hear that.
Yes
that.
What?
But you understand that I am an artist. Right?
Yes.
And you know what that means?
I don't know what you mean. I think I do.
But I don't know if you do really. And it makes me worry about you.
You don't need to worry about me.
But I do. its not easy. I mean... being with an artist... I can’t be like other guys. do you know that?
Yes. that's what I love about you.
I know. you love that now. but you're going to grow to hate it.
How do you know what I am going to feel like? Why don't you just let me be me?
O.k. I will. But you know how I want to go live in France for a while and live this artist’s life? and to Africa? And to Amsterdam?
Yes. and I want you to do that.
But you know. there's more to it than that. you know.
What do you mean?
Well what I mean is that its not all just about going to school during the day to learn a foreign language and recording in the studio and sitting in a café to write for a few hours. I mean. its really throwing your arms around the world you know. its about love affairs with nameless girls and stumbling home drunk with an empty bottle in your hand in the middle of the night kicking mud puddles and whistling after some debauched romp in the hay with some girl you’ll never see again...
Are you trying to disgust me?
No. and that's my point. To me that's not disgusting. Its beautiful. its inspiring. that's the stuff that songs are made of. And I am afraid that I need that. and I don't want you to be hurt. That's what I'm trying to say. And that's what I've been trying to say for months now... and I haven't known how to say that to you without hurting you or jeopardizing what we have. because I love what we have. but I also love who I am and who I want to be...
Well how does this fit in with your goal of wanting to get married and have children?
Well, it doesn’t. and I guess that's why I've never been married... and maybe... I don't know... I guess I would have to get that out of my system first wouldn’t i?
Yes. I would hope so.

And I thought of dear julia. The only girl I have ever known who would hear something like that and respond ‘well for gods sake go do it and have fun and tell me all about it when you get back...’ God bless dear julia. If julia isn't the wife she certainly is the perfect soulmate. And for the life of me I cannot shake the fact that I am absolutely fine with that.

Ok, so not all is hunky-dory in the world of Iran. Or even close for that matter. I don't think anyone is saying that this a tranquil place of American loving peace loving hippies. just read this article entitled Iran and the Palestinian War Against Israel: Implications of the Karine-A Affair, By Michael Rubin. It can be found on the Internet. The point is that Iran is now sponsoring more terrorism than ever. I don't want peeps thinking that because I was speaking up against the deceptive practices and injustices committed against Iran by the United States that I was saying that the current regime occupying Iran is a good one or that I am in any way supporting who they are and what they stand for. for all we know or the people who have lived under this regime for the last twenty years things are just as bad as they were under the shaw who they overthrew. And the worst part is that the people there now, they get arrested and whipped just for simple things like playing cards, drinking alcohol, having parties at their homes or listening to western music, wearing jeans, or going out into the streets “uncovered.” Absolutely crazy. you want to hear something really whacked? The chicks there man, if they are accused of a crime they can be arrested, whipped and then executed. But by law you cannot execute a virgin... so you guessed it... the men in charge first marry the girl, then have sex with her, then send her family some “dowry” money (often as low as $5) and then they execute her. this can be for something as simple as speaking up against the government or the Muslim religion. Crazy indeed. For all its corporate greed, blatant media lies, cover-ups, and manipulations, and crass commercialism, America seems not half bad at all in comparison. Of course that's the way its always been and that's why we love the old red white and blue so much but that doesn’t mean and shouldn’t mean that we should overlook our own problems here either. Long live the revolution. 

Current spin: lenny Kravitz, baptism. This is his BEST ALBUM SINCE LET LOVE RULE!!!! BUT BETTER!!!! THIS ALBUM ROCKS.

The Iranian Princess Little Tree came to stay for a brief 48 hours. One of our secret rendezvous. Just the two of us in this tiny New York city apartment.

There is something very special about our connection, even though there is a fifteen year difference in our ages, there is just something there that is sacred and karmic in it. we have never had a physically romantic relationship. It has always existed in platonic way. a very loving friendly ... God how do you describe that... like brother and sister except that you also love each other in the other way... But since our last meeting over the summer in Miami beach things have changed for us a bit... we are more accepting of our infatuation with one another. Still best friends... like children, more like college kids or something like that... but now we have begun to accept our mutual love for one another. With this strange unspoken underlying understanding that we will never be able to take it anywhere more than this... but still willing to explore it anyway.

We have to spend most of our time indoors as always, especially here now in New York, because of who she is and who I am. If we are seen it could be very dangerous for her, for me, and for some of her family who still live in Tehran. Imagine, the ex-Princess -- or should I say ‘the exiled-Princess’ I ask her -- being seen on the street, un-covered, and holding hands and kissing the American anti-God anti-government rebel and raconteur who calls himself Fishy. It would not be good.

Three days of getting inside, going deep, neurons firing, making love -- The embassy is closed she says. Lying there naked. Except to the ambassador... she laughs. only the ambassador can enter the embassy... and I enter her..., coffee in bed, bottles of wine and cognac, crackers and cheese, chocolate, long walks down frozen New York streets and sidewalks in the middle of the night when we think we can get away with it. Beautiful brownstones and fancy shops passing us by.  Puffs of smoke from my cigars walking with us. and she always with that eager curious enthusiastic smile about everything...

Walking around the apt naked, just covered in blankets all night... don't look at me... in between long romantic and short-burst love-making sessions... don't look at me... o.k. I won't. laughs... burying ourselves in the other’s kisses.... licking each other like ice cream, in between reading passages from this book of poetry by a friend of ours, Dan coppersmith, The Elusive Here and Now. more chocolate. More wine. More making love. Lots of laughter, orgasms intertwined with tears. Tears of joy. tears of longing for what we will soon miss. Once more. as always.

The artisan came over this afternoon. Spent some time hanging with the fam and then the two of us snuck off to hang out and catch up at a nearby coffee shop. we were both so excited the last two months to see each other and spend time together this Christmas, as we had last year. but just a little over a week ago, the artisan met someone. Like really met someone. A someone she thinks she may really like and be with. She told me yesterday afternoon at about 5. when we got off the phone I was in such shock that I just fell asleep right where I was laying on the living room floor. I think my body or mind just needed to sleep it off, because I was so looking forward to being with her. I was kind of in shock a little. I hadn't even really taken any of the girls I was seeing in the last few weeks very seriously because I just didn't have the free attention. So much of it was on the artisan and how much fun we would have. 

So today she came over. She went on a date with the guy we will call bachelor number two last night. when we saw each other it was very nice. and sweet. And tender. We got into the car and she asked me immediately, so how do you feel? About what? I feel good. about the situation silly. about us. how do you feel? well, I feel very happy for you, like one of your best girlfriends. and I feel very sad like my heart has been crushed. But its o.k. I'm big enough to hold both identities and not be mad or take it out on either of us.” She said, “I'm just so glad that we can be such good friends. And talk like this. and really be real and honest about it.” “well me too. I love you very much and I'm happy for you. but can I just say this. I leaned up in my seat to face her. “I was just really really longing to be with you. I was longing for you so much the last two months and I couldn’t wait to see you. so this will just take some getting used to.” a tear fell from beneath her sunglasses. “I was longing for you too. you just can’t plan things like this.” I know. you can’t. we’ll deal with it. 

it is true that I longed for her for the last two months. We have the best time when we are together. We never stop laughing. And we share very tender moments together. She is not knowledgeable about the same kind of things. we aren't going to sit and discuss renaissance art or jean luc Goddard films or politics, that's just not her. She's a desert Princess. Loves shopping and makeup and going to the spa. but she is very intelligent and enlightened, so she can understand anything and partake in the most profound conversations about consciousness and truly not only ‘get it’ but add to ‘it.’ I was looking forward to lying for hours with her naked body holding her and hugging her and talking. 

In the café we discussed this newest situation we have found ourselves suddenly faced with and laughed about it. she shared with me how hard it was for her last February at wizards when she realized after our glorious Christmas and new years together that she would have to share me with a few other girls from various countries who I was also very close to. how crushed she was. But how she got over it simply because we sat and talked about it. we talked about a potential future together and realized that it would just never work. She's an early bird, and I'm a night owl. She doesn’t want any more children and I know for sure that at least I want to have 2 or 3. not now, but someday. So right there for us that pretty much decided it for us. we just knew that as much as we liked each other it just wasn't something we should continue to explore. 

Just got home from Zekes house. Working on background vocals with trophy wife and starting mixing for the new album. we achieved something very cool tonight. a CD skipping effect I have been working on for years. this album is going to have a lot more noise on it. just long passages of noise. I think I will be happier with this album than any other. I was in ecstasy in there tonight. Really loving it. slightly bored of course and just wishing all the long hours involved in making an album were over but still loving it. I will be much happier when we have the money to go around the clock always working on recording so we can get albums done a lot faster. One guy is recording us while another is making mixes while another guy is making remixes etc... 

Ferret has taken legal action against Cleopatra and I, and Cleo emailed this morning threatening to take legal action against me unless I finished mediating process, which I want to but I have just been so busy I haven't the chance to do so. I am driving home tonight, at one point I looked at the speedometer and I was doing well over 110 because my mind was just so lost in the music I had blaring, and I was so into the mixes we just did—they sound so crystal clear and phat and out there. and then I am reflecting on the last two days and both of these guys—two of my best friends in the world of my whole life seriously—both of them just totally freaking out like this. and its all over money. it’s the three of us, but I have been the only one who hasn’t freaked out. just trying to stay calm and not freak out. everyone wants their own little share of the pie but of course there is no pie right now so anyone taking any kind of legal action is ridiculous. Looking back I should have taken legal action about a year ago when I first tried to mediate with Cleopatra and she was just a total nut case. Screaming all the time, slamming doors, being so rude to everyone. I should have just been a man and laid down the law, but I loved her so much I didn't want to hurt her. But that would have prevented a lot of this insanity that we are in now. so now my job is to try to calm them both down so we can deal with the even larger issue at hand we are dealing with now, the IRS. Both of them threatening going on legal on each other and me and here we have this major beast to battle who could bring us all down. Man its like a Shakespeare play. If they don't see what's coming, how come I do?

The situation is so funny. They are freaking out over money. But there is no money to freak out over. There just isn't any money to get right now. Now me, I'm about the poorest I've been in many many years. I'm the one who is getting nothing from all of this and I'm the one who started the company and I'm the one who is going to prob get the least, one because I have spent so much of my money already making our band’s albums, and two because I just don't care enough to fight with people I love about it. But what I find really interesting is that I have continued to give away money like I always have even though I am flat broke. 35 a month to sponsor the kid in Brasil. 100 to amnesty. 100 to our local PBS station... Handing out tens and twenties to bums when I pass them on the street still. I just loaned Mara 350 today to pay some of her bills. And seriously I have no idea how I am supposed to pay my own. But she needed it and she has a child and all. You know the thing is that I am just not going to give into this bullshit lack mentality everyone is creating right now around me. If our goal is to be successful, I mean magnanimously, uproariously successful then people better start acting like it. and stop acting like they believe this reality, or pretty soon they are going to be in a reality they can’t get out of. You can only believe your shit for so long before it really does turn into your reality for real. Know what I mean?

So I'm here in this new office now.  I am still not used to it. But I like it. I have decided to try to completely separate from Cleopatra and the businesses that we have together as much as possible. Its really like starting over.  Just totally starting over.  I'm used to having this very large staff working for me and now its just me since my assistant moved to Boston. I'm not rehiring one because honestly I just don't have the money from the record company yet. So if I'm not working at the other companies and I'm just trying to work at building the band and the record company then I'm just going to have to go it alone right now. so yes its fucking very weird. I'm used to being a CEO at two multi-million dollar companies by day and a singer/songwriter by night, trying to build a fledgling independent record label with a small staff. and I'm used to all the expected benefits that go along with being in that position. So now its like when I need an office supply its like I have to find a way to get it myself. Its pretty weird. Or when I need lunch I have to call for it myself. Or booking appointments, or booking travel, or just fucking anything. God just writing this is fucking depressing me. I have to even pay my own bills. I haven't even been in a bank in seven years. I haven't licked a stamp in ??? I don't know, years. the other day I went to the post office for the first time since I think the mid nineties. That will definitely be the first and last time I ever go to a fucking us post office. I can’t believe people deal with those lines. No sensible person would. So even errands I will run myself for a while. Facts are facts. I resigned. I am no longer the CEO of two huge companies; I am just a singer now, trying to get his band and his record company to actually make money rather than just spend money. A daunting task. I am CEO now of a very small company that cannot even afford to pay me. so that's the facts. So no assistant. But as I write this I smile, because we may be under funded, but I am still smart. I am still the brilliant entrepreneur I always have been. I have built many businesses up from nothing and I will do the same with this one. I believe in it. I believe in the music we are making as a band. And I believe in myself as a songwriter. And as a business man and entrepreneur. But none of that is making it easy...

I see her everywhere now. In the face of so many girls on the street. In a passing face of a woman driving by on the highway. I will see the back of a girl, her hair, and something will make me stop and stare. It is unconscious now. I am doing my best to stop this. it is a puzzling dichotomy inside of me. I long to meet her but I am desperately hoping to put it off for as long as I can. I know this sounds insane. After I haven't even met her yet, it could be years before we meet. So who cares? Why worry. But still I think about her all the time. i can feel her. It has been so hard to date other women. Other women, as if I have already met HER. I know again. insane. I am resistant to dating other women other that HER. But I have not met HER yet. so how do you know who she is, people ask me. You just know. You can feel it. You know how you feel that? you know how you hear that voice in your head? It may say NO very loudly. LOL. Well that's what I mean. 

I think I am just trying to hang on to my youth as long as I can, and the whole rock and roll thing. you can’t really go backwards. Never thought I would ever be one of those kind of guys. Actually trying not to be settled down. But now it has become a kind of obsession. Trying to avoid it. and yet peering around every corner when you see long legs and a beautiful mane of hair walking by. 

You know what it is? its that now, I know. before, perhaps I didn't know. when were young, were young. The reality isn't in there yet. when I proposed to Cleopatra we we’re young. Just kids. Looking back I don't think we agreed to get married as much as just agreed to run away together from all of our inner demons we were battling. I think we were just trying to escape together, escape poverty, escape traumatic childhoods. 

But now, its different. I'm on top of the world. There's nothing to escape. And you start to realize that marriage is a forever type of a thing. crazy. forever. can you imagine? You mean forever in a metaphorical sort of storybook way? or do you mean forever like for the rest of my whole life? and granted I don't think most people mean forever these days going into it. I think they say forever at the altar, but of course what they mean is I really love you right now in this moment and lets see what happens. because now people are getting divorced so often and getting remarried like its no big deal. So maybe that's the way I should just look at it too. just open up and let it rip. But instead I'm like trying to avoid even going out with girls for fear I will meet some girl I will really like. I just started to realize this lately when I found myself unable to call girls back once I went out with for the first time.

But my other theory, I was thinking about this in the bathroom at the office, I was just standing there thinking, that maybe that its right there. I mean maybe she is right there---I'm talking about time here--- I mean maybe she is right there in front of me like anyday, any hour. that's what it feels like. And so when I feel this feeling like NOOOO about calling other girls, its in order to prevent getting involved with any other girls at this time. I used to not listen to that voice. Now I listen to it. I trust it.  

God is it really the 18^th? 

Last night I had the most amazing experience. I was in a club with Mohamed and some other friends from school. After a while we got so drunk. I was hanging with this French girl who is studying here for most of the night. I said I was going to the restroom. She came with me. we kind of happily stumbled to the restroom area and she came in with me. seriously. I laughed and said no you have to go to the other ones in a very sloppy broken Italian and French invention of mine.... And I pointed. And she shook her head and kept walking in. We went into a stall. Before I knew it, we were making out and fooling around in this stall in this super loud club in the men's room. This was just total hedonism. Drunken sexual liberation. I did not see her at school today. Everything cool. But it is true about what they say about the French. She did have this smell you know that was very French. the French chicks always have it. I won't say anymore than that.   

Great classes today. we are learning the future tenses. in my private class I have the opportunity to just ask questions and converse so this is cool. 

Man I am falling for my teacher. Her personality is so cool. She is very fresh. Sarcastic and intelligent. She constantly makes fun of me. We flirt like crazy. I love that. Throughout our entire lesson I just stare at her and fantasize about making love with her. I don’t hear a word she says. I wonder if she can tell this. she is at the blackboard writing down names of food for me to repeat after her, and I'm just picturing her laying naked in the grass with a bunch of grapes in her hand. “Fishy!” she screams, “Pay attention!” [One day at lunch she screamed at me for flirting with her so much. “You are crazy! You just want to sleep with me and then in a month you’ll be off back to America. you aren't going to stay here and marry me! So stop acting this way unless you plan on doing something about it!” and in that moment I just stared at her... like, man, could I marry this girl? I mean, fuck, do I have to marry her? “Listen Peli, can’t we just make love every night for the next few weeks? And drink and dance and talk about music and art and literature? And just enjoy that? Look at you! You are so sexy I would make love with you right now on this table. And the whole time you could be speaking to me in Italian in that cute little voice of yours.”  She snaps back, “Be quiet! You are a beast Fishy! I'm not going to teach you anymore!” But I caught her vibe. I understood what she was saying. I still couldn’t stop myself from flirting with her. I just told her, ‘look, you’re my teacher. I'm paying for you. I can’t help it. if you don't like it, then by all means, request that some other teacher takes over my private classes. Because I can’t help it.’ She never did do that. We became best friends, went out all the time, and eventually we both accepted the inevitability of our situation.] I mean, in a way she was right. She’d kill me if she knew I posted her picture. But I will be long dead by the time these diaires ever make it to market, so no big deal. I need to find a girl here fast. Because I am starting to build these little things with too many other girls here and before you know it one or more of them is going to turn into something and then we’re fucked. 

Cleo and I decide that we cannot work together anymore. One of us has to go. we've been broken up for more than two years now and we've never had a chance to be apart  for more than a week or two. We've never had that chance to separate and get space. it has in all accounts been insane. So now all of a sudden it became something we had to do. 

Drove around South beach for hours. Aimlessly. 

Decided I will go to Europe for a while and wait for the new album to come out. First London then Amsterdam then Madrid, end up in Italy at the Davinci School for Italian studies for a few weeks. Visit all the towns my family came from. Drink espressos and drive around on a scooter. Write some good songs. Come home and maybe then finally the new album will be out. Who knows.  

You know I friend to me if you doubt that wait. Never try to pass a car when you are not sure.

Moonshine says:

You received it already?

 Fishy says:

coming now. it is.

Moonshine says:

I will repeat to sentence again. I friend told me if you have a doubt, wait.

 Fishy says:

i know. but i have to move on. this is not healthy for me anymore. 

 Fishy says:

i need to move on in my life. take a jump off the cliff and dive in.

Moonshine says:

Yes but only if you are supported but very good primaries. Maybe you are handling your secondaries right now!

 Fishy says:

yes i need to handle them i guess! hey who is this song?

Moonshine says:

From who?

 Fishy says:

it is camel

 Fishy says:

who is camel?

 Fishy says:

never heard of them

 Fishy says:

so lonely.

 Fishy says:

wow.

 Fishy says:

i hate this.

 Fishy says:

i want to get rid of it. you know?

 Fishy says:

why do some people have no problem being alone/?

 Fishy says:

and others really need people?

Current Spin: Radiohead, Kid A

In the studio all night trying to record drums for Bored. 

Tried a lot of different electronic sounds. Couldn’t find anything that worked. Although Vancouver recorded amazing guitar tracks. Layers and layers. Its either totally brilliant or complete cheese. I don't know yet. 

Verena wants to come visit. She asks me why I am acting a little bit hesitant. I tell her, ‘can you not tell that I am a little confused right now when it comes to girls and relationships? I don't even know why you would want to come. I think its crazy. I'm stuck somewhere between wanting to be James Bond and shag every girl I meet and Father knows best and settle down. And you you're looking for Father knows best. For God sakes, you’re June Cleaver! You don't want to do it with James Bond.” “sorry but you are definitely not James Bond. And I'm not June cleaver. You don't even know me! and who says we’re going to do it?!” “Well you think you're going to come hang out with James Bond for three days and we’re not going to do it?! Its an insane game I'm in right now. Its totally crazy. I’m having some kind of an identity crisis. Trust me you don't want to play this game. Not until I can figure out what the rules are.” She’s coming anyway. 

The thing is that she is a great friend. I love her. I tell her, “This sucks. I can’t believe this. I am going to lose another really good friendship if you come.” “Why do you say that you are going to lose our friendship?” “Because I know. I have been through this a lot in the last two years. I juset cant get this dating girls thing right. it would be different if you weren't hot. But you are. So I'm going to be chasing you around trying to do you. And you're going to be what? Telling me to stop. And why? Cause we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend so eventually I'm going to wear out and give in and be boyfriend and girlfriend just so I can make love to you and then what if that doesn’t last forever? And then wham! you hate me.” “Well what if it does last” she demands. “Well that's a whole different story. But if it doesn’t then we’re fucked. You hate me. And we lose a great friendship.” “Well I'm not having sex with anyone unless we are boyfriend and girlfriend....” she says. And then, “...or unless I am not attracted to them.” I'm like, “what?!” did you just hear what you said?!” and you wonder why guys think girls are crazy.  

Another one bites the dust. Carmen is getting married. She is getting married in the rainforest in Venezuela—her body covered in henna, pretty much the same time that La Princesa is getting married in Sweden. Very moving and fun to sit and talk with her about this.

So were talking at my desk and I'm telling her yea I don't know what I'm going to do now blah blah I think I'm going to go to Italy for while go to school learn Italian drink espressos and ride around in a scooter you know… she laughs. I don't know. depressed I don’t know if I'll ever find a girl I can stay with forever.,… the irony not lost on her since she is an ex-girlfriend—she laughs--- she says that you can stay with forever, forever is a long time you know? I say yes so why are you doing it? You think it's going to be forever? she's says I don't know, I hope it will be but I don’t know. Then why are you going to get married and say that word forever. she says because., I know I will love him forever. I'll always love him. I'm already in love with him. when you love someone you can’t take love back. you just wish them dead sometimes but you don't stop loving them. 

Anyways why do we think about forever when we meet someone? Why? you don't? No. I just go with it. Yea. That's cool. 

Current spin: Interpol, turn on the bright lights.

03:26 am. Fern here. I've been working 3 hours straight in the studio on "Caetano".

An album closer or opener if I ever heard one. Tracked cellos earlier today. Got so into it I broke my bow. Finished the session after finding my violin bow. Tracked guitar after midnight. Threw my amp in the bathroom and let the parts fly out. I had a rough day. Decided i had to vent. Caetano is one of those songs that sound larger than life even with just Ed on acoustic and vocal. The parts I crafted does justice to the song I hope. It passes the chills test. The poet did some amazing drumming on this one melding samba and alternative with grace. Father Bloopy laid down an amazing bass line . Cant wait to hear what piano man can do on the track. If you listen closely you can hear Transcendence grow up. I'm so proud of this band right now. 

Last Movie: BJ Experience: The True Untold Story
Current Spin: Gino Vannelli- The Gist of the Gemini , Devadip Carlos Santana- Oneness: Silver Dreams/ Golden Reality 

Me and the guys in the studio again tonight. We officially started recording our next album tonight. We laid down tracks for Tomorrow and I wanna know you. 

Our “new” album isn't even out yet, and that was the joke of the evening. But we are just so psyched to be together making music that we are getting off on so we just decided to start recording another one. Really great trashy rock sound. 

Me and La Princesa are back talking now. And that feels good. She is as high as a kite now that she is getting married. I told her look you know fine you get married but I still need your fashion advice and I still may need you as my muse artistically. I don't care if you're married. But for God sakes don't move to Sweden, cause I need you close. She sends me this great email back. Full of her usual critiques and a brand new plan for my wardrobe and makeup ideas. We’re always on the same page that way. I love that. She tells me “I read your diaries—they’re boring lately—since I left—stop talking about politics. Talk more about yourself and what you’re really going through—let your craziness out more. talk more about relationships!” I say well you weren't saying that when the craziness was with you... haha.

The stallion still won't talk to me. I email her now and then. No answer. Had dinner with Francis over the weekend and there was a time when she wouldn’t talk to me either. So that was great. We’re good friends now. We go out. She tries to give me pointers on talking to girls. Says I'm too shy. I need to be more like other guys and be more bold. Whatever. The day I start acting like other guys just shoot me. Don’t bother even telling me why. Just blow my head off.

Talked to the artisan for a long time the other night. Us talking now feels a lot better. I think were over the hump. Its not easy, being in relationships and then breaking up and then being friends afterwards. It can be. But it takes some time. Carmen is coming to work for me and the band. She and I hit it off great as friends now. This is ironic because we met when I interviewed her for a job. She didn’t get the job but we went out for a while instead. Now she's coming to work for us after all. Yea I guess its not that hard. I think it depends on how hard both people fall in love and how long it lasts and then how it breaks up. if there's any deception or lies or whatever then chances of a friendship are going to be a lot slimmer. But if both parties play everything straight up and you give it some time you can usually come out on the other side and become good friends. Me and Cleopatra still see each other everyday. Crazy. Heartbreaking really. We need a break from each other desperately. But we do our best. we’ll be at lunch or something, and I'll raise my voice and she’ll ssshhh me and I'll look at her like ‘what the fuck? we haven't been going out for two years. You’re married for God sakes. If I want to raise my voice I'll raise my voice.’ Its crazy. 

I was thinking more about that. Why is it when a girl is with a guy and then she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, then the guy is supposed to understand and just let her go. But when a guy doesn’t like a girl anymore he’s portrayed by girls as some kind of a Bastard or heartbreaker or something. Crazy. That’s just not right. 

Last Movie:  hall and oates live at musicladen in 1975. don't ask me why. but they did do an incredible version of rich girl

Last night Cleo had her baby. About 11PM. I was driving home, I-95. She hasn’t felt like it is a good idea to introduce me and the white knight yet. We don't even acknowledge our friendship to him yet. So I didn't go to the hospital. I drove fast down i-95. I thought of the fate of this, the irony of it. I thought of me driving down this lonely stretch of highway alone, and her in this hospital room a few minutes away screaming and in pain, having a baby, and we have just spent the majority of our twenties together, thinking that was going to be us in there some day. 

When I would see a car stranded on the side of the highway, part of me fantasized about turning the wheel slightly and slamming into it, just smashing things up a bit. Would I die in the crash? Could I? Would it all be over? I put both hands on the wheel. Turned up the music. Drove faster. Smiled. The mind is a big thing. Lots of thoughts. Not all of them we have to take seriously. Cleo is happy. I was happy for Cleo. I wasn't sad, just dealing with a strange feeling, a big life changing event feeling. This was Cleo’s life changing event, not mine. “I'm still waiting…for my super hero girl.” 

Tonight we are going into the studio to cut a track for the anniversary of September 11^th, which we will release that day to the fans only via email. We are going to try to cut the whole song in a day.

Current Spin: Kid Rock, Cocky. I love this album.