Another glorious day. I will go to Oregon to see Juliet after all. but without camera crew. Too bad. But I will bring the old camera along anyway. She wrote the most amazing letter to me today. really let out a little bit more of her soul. She is very timid. Always has been. Sensitive.

[one of the questions that occurs to me as I watch my infatuation with dear Juliet from afar, is how much do I really love her and how much am I just in love with the idea of loving her? I mean, how much of it is just me loving the romance of it... well eventually we shall I am sure.

Tonight about midnight in the grocery store, well actually it was the drug store, I never shop for groceries in a grocery store, only in drug stores, I had this epiphany. What if the reality show that we were working on was a one man show after all. kind of like a one man show AND a reality show all at the same time. an on going one man show. Not one that just lasts for an hour or so but one that lasts for a few years? just an ongoing reality show/one man show. But rather than is the case with Laurie Anderson or Eddie izzard or any other one man shows where there is all this planning and staging and scripting and all of that and tours around the country, the same show, night after night, its just me constantly doing a one man show all the time and its totally unscripted and unplanned, except of course when we plan it and script it, and it changes all the time because we aren't touring it around night after night; instead we are filming it every fucking day. except of course when I want days off.

So yes that is it. one step closer to now fully realizing my real potential, my true calling, my life’s work as it may be if we should be so lucky.

Last screening: sense and sensibility. Newer one with Emma Thompson and Hugh grant. I love Jane Austen. I don't care who’s playing it. There is the circuitous nature of the sentences that she composed for her characters, where one must listen deeper, past the initial sentiment, to discover what little pearls of wisdom lie underneath, all the while she gloriously decorates each sentence with such mellifluous tone that often times you lose interest in ascertaining the deeper meaning entirely and are content enough just basking in the pleasantness of how the words fall together.

I would like to write like that one day. but in a modern way of course. I mean, more to say, I would like to write in my own style, in a way, such as she did, that creates as much joy for others as her writing does for me. o.k. fuck it. now I'm trying to write like she did. But you know, everyone goes through their Jane Austen phase. let us hope it doesn’t last too much longer. No one can understand me now as it is.

Happy birthday to Infinito! Big 30 for him today. Most guys are lame. They never remember things like other peoples birthdays. And if they do, then they don't know what to do about it. guys just aren't good about birthdays for the most part. They can’t help it. I tell the lady on the phone at my bank. ’hey listen I have man disease. I'm sorry for bouncing so much checks. I could have a million dollars in there and somehow I still manage to bounce half those checks. Don't ask me how. Just help me.’ she actually did help me.

Anyway, happy birthday Infinito. Its been a long time brother. Glad to know you.

I have noticed that ever since everything went down with the Ferret, I have felt this subconscious reluctance to get close to new people I am starting to make friends with... have made so many new friends, but notice within myself this subtle fear of going in all the way. have to explore what beliefs are and let them go.

Being in line at the immigration office to check on visa status for Europe. You know there's this fear when you are in line... that you are going to lose your place. you notice that. you're afraid to go get a drink of water because what if you lose your place in line. most of the time its cool. you can tell the person behind you to save your place. that you'll be back. but this time I was waiting in a long line. I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be great if I could just say to the people behind me, ‘listen, I'm going to go goof off for a while. make some calls, maybe go hang out outside. Do me a favor and hold my place in line and I'll be back once this line clears.’ But I didn't dare. You know how people are about lines. They are so possessive about their place in line. most have this attitude about lines that if you leave your place in line that you lose it. which is silly because after all that's still your place in line, whether you are there physically or not. Only an idiot would stand there if he didn't have to. everyone can see that its your place. but the problem is that we are still dealing with idiots for the most part. So you don't dare take the risk of assuming someone is enlightened enough to just let your place be your place whether you are actually standing in line or not. But one day I see us even transcending lines too. One day we are going to get there. everyone can get in their place in line and after a minute or two just go do whatever and when its their turn they can come back and step up to the counter or checkout or what have you and not worry about losing their place. kind of like those little pagers they give us at restaurants. Great idea. A virtual line. ‘excuse me miss?’ ‘yes?’ Can you do me a favor and call my cell when you get up to the counter so I can run back and get back in line behind you?’ ‘Oh well certainly.’ ‘Thanks.’ One day.