I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life today. a few days ago I had a conversation in the early morning hours with this lady out in Sedona who channels... it is said. I had been told by her that I had six angels with me at all times. she said that everyone has at least one, that she has three, and that I was very lucky because six was the most that a person could have. now of course because I do not necessarily believe in angels, but would love to, I was skeptical, found it amusing, but nonetheless was certainly happy to hear it. I asked her several times if she really believed this angels stuff... she assured me that they are real. I also asked her if angels share us or if each of us in her belief has our own private angels... at first she was a little taken aback by my questions. She paused for a moment and then replied that each of us has our own private angels all to ourselves. I asked her ‘well don't they have anything better to do? I mean, don't they have lives of their own? she said that for those that choose that, that is their lifes work in that incarnation. They are happy to hang around us, watch over us, guide us, etc... interesting. she said I could communicate with them. that I could ask to connect more with them. they will never do anything that will hurt you. they will never come into your life if they think it will affect you negatively, she tells me. she told me that when you find feathers that that is a sign of the angels being around you. perhaps telling you something.

Each night I go to sleep and I speak to them. as I am lying there in the dark I speak out loud to them. ‘hi you guys. its me. Fishy. I know you're there. I've been told you are at least. Although I could be talking to myself. Which is fine. Anyway, I know there are six of you. at least this is what I'm told.’ I stare into the darkness. Any minute expecting to see something. ‘so I'm asking you to come into my life more.  I want to see you. I want you to know that I want to connect with you more. I want to know you. I want to see you. indeed if there is anyone in the world who is ready to see you and to know you it is certainly me. I am not afraid. I'm not saying I need lightening and thunder bolts and all that. in fact, I would rather you guys leave that for someone else really. Just show up. here. now. in my apartment. That would be fine. I am happy to know that you are there. please feel free to contact me in anyway you can...’ and every night I have been having this little conversation with them. very happy as I fall asleep. Almost giddy from the experience. For whatever reason.

Today I was in the Hermes store on Madison avenue smelling the new Hermessence line of colognes and admiring some new Hermes scarf designs. Nothing I like more than smells. Except maybe a beautiful girl in an Hermes scarf. To those that know me personally I am berated for my over the top cologne collection. At last count it stood at a few over eighty. I think they call that OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. But one could have worse disorders than that I would think. I may be crazy, but at least I always smell good. anyway, a very pleasurable experience indeed.

Afterwards, I walked by the Christ church on park avenue, built in 1913. for some reason I decided to go in and sit a while. strange I thought, almost second guessing myself. I'm not even a believer. I thought. But it will be nice, came the thought. I will go in and sit for a while and connect with the God force. Something compelled me to go in. I sat there for a while. eyes open. eyes closed. Talked to God. talked to the angels. Pretty soon I felt the most amazing energy all around me. it snuck up on me. one minute I was only aware of myself and the strange fact that I was in this church, wondering why I was in the church in the first place. and in the next minute I had my head back and my eyes closed and I was just in ecstasy. Feeling the most profound sense of love and peace and comfort I had ever felt.

When I opened my eyes minutes later I noticed that there was this tiny feather sitting on the seat next to me. one of those tiny little fuzzy feathers. Maybe an inch or two long. brand new. Just sitting there. I stared at it and looked up at the cathedral ceiling and smiled.

I took this to be from the angels and of the God force. It was quite magnificent. A few hours later I walked into the men's room at the studio and I swear to God I walked up to a urinal and laying right there below the urinal was this tiny little white feather about an inch or two long. just sitting there by itself. Waiting for me. how did it get in the building? Took it as a sign. Looked up and cracked a smile and a nod. So there are angels after all. either that or there are some invisible birds following me around here in the men's room.


Current spin: David Byrne, grown backwards. His new one. LOVE IT. such art. My my. I'm sure it will be entirely ignored except by die-hards. It’s just that good. so fucking experimental it is making me drool sometimes... in general his voice gets on my nerves a bit after a half hour. but so does my own. so does almost anyone's. that's why Beatles or eagles or Fleetwood mac records are so good. changes it up here and there. not just one singer. this is a great CD if you are looking for something different and creative. Like all his releases. The man just has it.

O.k. so check it out. I just woke up. the guys are on a big plane on their way in. we are headlining the Friday night at acme underground for CMJ music marathon. We will be showcasing for 11, count them, 11 different label reps are coming in just to see us. Tovar is already here in the city meeting with them. and we are going to spend the next two days rehearsing our butts off.

If we are good and we kick ass, we have a chance. If we suck, well I guess we will just always .... be a little unknown band... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this is a big three days for us coming up.

Wish us luck.

Last screening: cat Stevens Majikat concert from 1976. really really good. but man what happened to the Cat? He went Muslim on us and it doesn’t look like he is turning back anytime soon.

In this movie what the bleep do we know? this man comments that the most audacious thing we can do spiritually is to define this amazingly grand and powerful concept of God in our own image, as so many of mankind’s current antiquated religions still do. hey man you don't have to tell me that. I've been thinking that since I was a little kid. I just never understood that whole lets box God in our own image thing that most people are so willing to do. I always just assumed that everyone me was crazy or worse that maybe it was just me. like I was an alien from a more enlightened planet or something.

there is this funny vision I have sometimes of what life must seem like for the humans when you are an alien who wakes up one day and realizes that they're all playing football with these sticks of dynamite. And you ask them ‘hey aren't you all worried that you're playing ball with this dynamite?’ and they're all like ‘oh no we’re not worried because the dynamite is our friend and its perfectly safe and we love the dynamite...’ and you're like ‘well on my planet dynamite is dangerous and it could explode at any minute and kill you all. and the humans are like ‘well we are safe with the dynamite.’ ‘well how do you know this?’ ‘because it is written in our holy books. Everyone knows it. that's just the way it is.’ And then you look at what they refer to as their holy books and its just all this crazy writing through the years all hodgepodge and collected over years and years with not a lot of sense. Some good some bad and a lot of confusing contradictions and non sequitors. You read how sometimes dynamite is a great thing and how people have loved the game of tossing it about for centuries, and other times dynamite is very dangerous and whole towns have been destroyed by it and yet the humans still persist in playing with it.. You can try to talk sense into them but they still continue to play with the dynamite and one day a big group of them blows up from the dynamite and then you question them about that and they reply that ‘it was the will of the dynamite. That's just the way it is. the dynamite knows what is best.’

You feel sad for them and you realize that you may not be able to help them because this whole dynamite throwing game is just really big in their lives. they're just going to keep playing with the dynamite and writing books about the dynamite and when bad things happen because of the dynamite they are just going to find a way to rationalize it. somehow, for some reason, they are addicted to it and will find any rational to justify the game, good or bad. If you really are an alien you may just want to head back to your own planet and leave the humans to their own devices till they smarten up a bit. But if you are from here on planet earth you have to find a way to deal with it. hope no one throws you any live sticks of dynamite with a big smile and tells you it can save your soul or something. just stay away from large open fields I guess.

But its not so bad anymore. People are coming around now. real spirituality is starting to slowly replace mans old dogma. I mean, we are at the place now where as a species we are trying to find a balance between the impractical and illogical dogma of mans old religions and the mysterious but innate spirituality that we all feel called to inside. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there. God’s speed to all of us.

Current spin: raspberries first two albums. Really great old power pop on these records. 

Dear Fishy,

It is wonderful to hear from you!

During my "spiritual search," I had identified the essence of truth in all religions, but could not get at that "pure" word of God, and always had a part of me missing as a result. Just like most of us are, I was skeptical of Islam and shared the perception its "man-made-ism.” I didn't even bother with Islam, as to me, as a "Westerner," it was just too foreign. However, with an open heart and mind, it really didn't take much time at all for me to have the whole truth about life revealed to my mind, heart and spirit, as I am eternally grateful for the most precious gift of Islam, where I found myself and all the answers, where I finally feel liberated. 

In actuality, Islam is not a "man-made" religion. As Islam means "submission to God," and all the prophets and messengers "submitted to God," they were "Muslims" (those who submit to God). (The Jews and Christians really hate to hear that Jesus and Moses and Abraham, etc. were Muslims!) It is man that deviated from God's word and misused the many messages to control and corrupt the people.  

Don't get me wrong, Muslims are by no means perfect, and their defeat and humiliation is due to the fact that they have deviated from their faith.  But there are still some "Islamists" who follow the word of God as revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in the Qur'an, as well as the example set forth by the Prophet. It does take some serious research and filtering to find the truth, as there are forces out there whose sole purpose is to misguide and keep us away from the straight path.  When you can, check out this excellent site: www.harunyahya.com.  

If you ever come across anything regarding Islam you have questions about, I'd be happy to do my best to answer.

My activism work continues. I am the webmaster and am learning a bit about digital movie production with some upcoming educational projects we have planned, similar to the Shock & Awe Gallery.

You cannot imagine how good it feels to be out of that country of materialism and immoral confusion.  It's great that you plan to live and study in Africa. There is just so much more to life and the world that only can be discovered and achieved without the pressure, stress and distraction of a country like the U.S. 

Our phone number is XXXXXXXXX here in Cairo. We have a house here with my mother-in-law (quite the character!), who is always happy to have visitors, so give us a call if your ever in the area. Once we get settled and acclimated, I will be studying Arabic and Islam at Al-Azhar University, inshaallah (God willing).

I pray you find all that you are searching for.  

Best always,

Protest Girl

I know exactly what protest girl means. I remember how it feels whenever you travel outside of the US and you forget about all the materialistic pressures of life in the Matrix. It is just so totally full of shit in the United States. I am such a devout American, a big fan I am, that's for sure, but last night we were watching Sex and the City and I have to be honest, I just felt disgusted. Between sex and the city and the sopranos, the two most popular shows in America, one is about a bunch of idiot sluts and the other is about a bunch of murderers and thieves, and people wonder why every day we wake up to some more news about some serial killer or sniper or serial rapist or some mutual fund scam or large corporate stock scandal. I felt like my insides were being ripped out as I watched. Same thing when I watch the music channels too. they are just so completely dolled up and unreal. It is as if the point of being on them is to rip out all the humanity of the artists and create this totally fake plastic thing that no one can relate to so in turn every one tries to relate to it and can’t so instead they buy it. Something like that. kind of like McDonalds commercials. Insidious stuff. and the commercials on network television. You just don't realize how thoroughly fake and disgusting everything is here in the states until you get away from it for a while and then come back to it. it is just one big corporate sewer system trying to sell us something. and its not like “us” is innocent in this equation. For God sakes I'm the author of the ‘sleep with you’ album so who am I to be saying anything. I know that. I don't care. I am so wasted right now on this sangria that I can let this shit fly. Somewhere at some time something has to give. America has to come back to itself. It has to bring it all back home. Gotta take it back to the basics like good values, home, and family. And let all this other stuff go. Sheryl crow on the back of a horse riding through the fucking desert singing some old classic just so she can have another hit? Man this is some twisted manipulative shit. 

Current Spin: Sondre Lerche, good pop. Sounds like a new Donovan. 

“You know what fishy?” she asked me. 

“what?

“He doesn’t come through for you,” Madelyn sobbed, tears shooting out of her eyes. “We always tell ourselves ‘God will come through for us. God knows best.... But its not true. Its so random... its all just so random. God lets us down all the time... sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down.” 

“I know...” I didn't know what to say. What can you say? She was right. 

“When something good happens to us we say thank you God. And then when something really bad happens to us, we ask God why? And we are supposed to believe that is God's will? Or what?! God just didn't pay attention and it happened because of some other reason? Is that it? and then he can’t help us and we’re just stuck out there on our own?! is that it?”

“I don't know. I can’t figure it out either Maddie. Who’s to say? I think we just have to depend on ourselves and just do the best we can for ourselves...” 

“It’s a myth. Isn't it? Its all just stuff we’re making up! And I hate it. I hate it!” she cried even more and beat the bed with her fists. “I'm sick of it. I'm sick of believing in things that aren't real. Why can’t we just have truuuuuuuuuttttthhhhh?!” she cried out. I just tried to be there for her, smiling, accepting, unconditional. 

“I know. I know,” I said. “God still loves you even if you don't love him,” I joked. She laughed.  

“I love my cats.” She grabbed her cat. “They would never lie to me. Would you kitty?” she said starting to cheer herself up. Man you don't forget someone like Madelyn O'Ryan. When Ferret says she is the kindest sweetest most good hearted person he has ever met, like an angel or something, he isn't kidding. Everyone feels this was about her. She is true blue. She is like an angel. I wish God was more there for her. I wish God was more there for all of us...

The question is, can we still be happy if we get to a point where we don't believe in a God? Mohdie doesn’t believe in a God. And he is one of the happiest people we know. Me and Maddie always have and we’re two of the most confused people out there. Sometimes I think its easier not to. because like woody Allen says, ‘things are just so bad on earth for so many centuries that if there really was a God we would all be filing class action suits against him.’ But regardless of how true that may be, it is hard to shake the idea of it if you were raised with it. Bertrand Russell (or was it BF Skinner?) had postulated a theory back in the sixties that its just all in the raising. That if we wanted to we could raise a person to believe without a shadow of a doubt that a pine cone was God if we just instilled it in them within their first three years of life. its just that initial brainwashing in the formative years. I think that's what's happened to a lot of us. The majority of us on earth, whether Christian, Muslim, Jewish or Hindu. We’re raised to believe in these different gods. So even though we may grow up not seeing any proof of their existence, and in fact seeing a lot of proof that they don't exist, we still have some deeply embedded belief in them because of our brainwashing as little children. Not only does this lead us all to a lot of sadness and confusion, disillusion and disappointment as we become aware adults, but it also has led to a lot of hatred and bigotry and death and destruction and war for all of us over the centuries. 

I look forward to the day when we can just say to one of our enemies, “Hey I'll put down my God if you'll put down yours. I say we just put the whole God and religion thing behind us and just start asking ourselves how we can help each other.” One can see how beautiful that could be. Just two humans forgetting about all that other stuff. Those will be the days. And I hope I'm here to see it. We can erect churches and temples to ourselves instead of to gods. And we can have holidays that celebrate ourselves and our own accomplishments rather than all these different and sort of hard to prove mythical religious holidays that just end up confusing the shit out of everybody. Its easy to think about all this especially now because the world is in such chaos because of conflicting religious beliefs. 

Just recently some general from America said some really kooky religious stuff. Scary. People like that, hard to believe they are still around. I still believe in God. And I try to talk to him/her/it all the time. I just try not to attach any religion to It. I mean, if God wants to give us a religion he will. Its not going to be debatable and filled with loopholes and technicalities and half truths like it is now with all the religions of the earth. You don't need to have faith in things. Let other people believe that all they want if it helps them feel better about believing in things that they can’t see or prove. But to me God is bigger than all that. 

So for now the concept whether real or not seems just too big to attach anything to like a religion. Man I hope one day he/she/it does reveal himself to us. But lets say that he doesn’t. And then I die and find out nothing at all cause I'm just dead and there's nothing else. That will still be cool because I think I got a lot of strength and support from believing anyway. When I think of God it makes me feel good either way. The only problem is like what happened to Maddie when she had her spiritual breakdown, like when you start expecting God to come through for you and he doesn’t. That’s kind of frustrating. And that's happened to me a lot too. I am sure it’s happened to everyone. Millions of times a day all over the earth. But we keep creating God anyway because like I said it makes us feel good to have that belief. Better than not believing I guess...