Didn't fly home for thanksgiving this year. stayed here in the city with Boo Boo Kitty. Macys day parade. Then Madame tousants wax museum. Then Bridget Jones diary part II, with a thoroughly bored Hugh grant who seemed to be saying throughout the film, I am so fucking sick of playing this same part that I have actually gone insane. Can no one else see it but me? then off to Brooklyn to have dinner with Chapper’s whole family who came down from Vermont. A lavish feast with good conversation. Mainly centered around the mystery of the people of the red states and how in shock they still were up in Vermont about the election results etc. good people. educated, friendly, hospitable. Then a cigar and a few beers out on the terrace in 35 degree finger freezing weather and then a surprisingly stimulating eight person trivial pursuit match over coffee and various pies. A good night had by all.  

While laying half asleep tonight, I noticed something move to my right. something small and black. I jumped slightly and as I did I noticed a mouse I swear to fucking God run across my blanket with a Frito corn chip in its mouth. I jumped up. I had never seen a mouse before. how cool. what I wanted to know was where it got that Frito. I wish I had found it first.

A real mouse. That's great. Never saw that before. of course I didn't sleep for hours. Just waiting for that thing to jump on top of me again. Yes you see this in New York. other things too. the other night at about 4 in the morning, I was sitting out the stairs in front of my brownstone smoking and writing and this guy stumbles up to me obviously wasted on something, just tripped out. and he comes right up to me and touches my computer with these glassy eyes. I looked at him and said very loudly and deliberately as if I were speaking to a little kid, “laptop.” He acted like he wanted to play with it. but I stared him down. And then he stumbled away. I see a lot of people stumbling by in the wee hours of the morning drunk off their asses. Just Stumbling all over the sidewalk. Wonder how they make it home. wonder why they get so drunk. you see many hunched over men and women looking very sad in the streets and subways of the city. People who have forgotten about their lives. People who life has left behind. For the moment. they can come back if they want to. I keep that candle burning for them in my heart. I carry my leftovers from my meals with me in my laptop case so I can give them away whenever the opportunity rises. When someone asks me for money I always just reach into my pocket and give them a bill and keep another for myself, unless I only have one; then they get that and I get nothing. The other night I whip out 6 bucks. “Well I guess that's a fiver for you and a one spot for me you lucky bastard,” I tell the guy. You wouldn’t believe how happy that can make someone. What's really funny is when an hour or two a later I go to get a burger or something and reach into my pocket and realize that I only have a dollar and I have to go away hungry. That can make you laugh at yourself.

I think that it is a noble mission to have on the side as you are building your empire. Give away a little everyday. Allow God/the force to use you as a conduit or a missionary so to speak. Just always be in the right place at the right time for those in need. since I don't really choose to make the time to volunteer or anything, which I feel awful about. cause I know people do and I envy their dedication to that. but I figure that if I prefer to just focus all of my time on working hard to build my shit up then I will have so much money then I can just give a lot of it away and that will be my way of giving. I know its easy and not doing that much, but I still think it does something, even though its small. I think God kind of picks us out and knows what each of us can do for the other. I picture him/her whispering in a homeless persons ear, ‘turn down this street now; there's this long haired kid sitting on some stairs typing on a computer. Ask him for money. he’ll give you whatever he has in his pocket.’ And that's my way of fitting in to the whole complex mechanism of it all. I have still not come to terms yet as a man with some of us having food and shelter and some of us not having that. it freaks me out and makes me sad.

I do not see it in our future. I have to be honest. I believe that man will one day rise to a state just beyond modern capitalism, of which I am very fond of to be quite honest, unlike many of my activist comrades; a kind of socially conscious capitalism so to speak. Someone told me yesterday that some 30,000 children die everyday of starvation. I don't know if this is true but I will check on it. if this is even close to being true than we have far indeed to go in our evolution as a species. America is a great example of our species still being caught in the middle. We certainly give more than any other great empire of the past, but obviously not enough, since so many people are still hungry and in need.

Last screening: life and debt. Story of Jamaica and their heartbreaking struggle to make it in the global economy. They complain about the global economy and how hard it is to make it because of the world bank and the IMF. More free trade, globalization stuff. But honestly, in the free market system if a country can’t raise itself out of its financial problems, they should just feel lucky that there is a bank they can go to to lend them any money. I mean, from a very non socialist viewpoint, who says that any other country has the obligation to help any other countries. I mean if yo uare to look at it purely from a logical standpoint. Hard to do though at the same time. but this is must see if you are a socially conscious person. the global economy powers that be have really fucked over the Jamaicans in a big way. destroyed their country in twenty years. unfortunately America had no small part in it. destroyed every money making industry they had going and loaned them money at ridiculous interest rates so now they are slaves to the United States. Tommy Hilfiger had a big hand in it. so did the Dole and Chiquita fruit companies. Hardcore capitalism. At its most fiercest and heartless. Again, I'm not going to cast the first stone, because I make my living from the capitalist ways so I can’t really say anything. It’s the free enterprise system after all. like I said, we have to let all the old war dogs of the old capitalist system die out and then sneak in there and make things a bit more fair for the peeps that aren't doing as well.

I always wonder Why the turkey is called with the name of my country.
Let's read the article;
 
Talking Turkey: The Story of How the Unofficial Bird of the United States 
Got Named After a Middle Eastern Country by Giancarlo Casale

How did the turkey get its name? This seemingly harmless question popped 
into my head one morning as I realized that the holidays were once again 
upon us. After all, I thought, there?s nothing more American than a turkey. 
Their meat saved the pilgrims from starvation during their first winter in 
New England. Out of gratitude, if you can call it that, we eat them for 
Thanksgiving dinner, and again at Christmas, and gobble them up in 
sandwiches all year long. Every fourth grader can tell you that Benjamin 
Franklin was particularly fond of the wild turkey, and even campaigned to 
make it, and not the bald eagle, the national symbol. So how did such a 
creature end up taking its name from a medium sized country in the Middle 
East? Was it just a coincidence? I wondered. 

-----Original Message-----
From: little tree [mailto:littletree@xxxx.com] 
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 9:13 PM
To: fishy@transcendence.com
Subject: Fwd: ok here it is--the link

Hey there,
I scrolled down on that link you sent me, and quickly looked through the material; very interesting stuff to read and learn : ) When you said "maybe we can think of this next yr", what did you mean exactly? did you mean saying the prayer below or do I need to read it all to understand?
http://www.transcendence.com/channels/ia/ia_articles/history-thanksgiving.html

Hey there, No. I meant making sure that your kiddies know the real history of thanksgiving etc so they don't grow up and freak out like most of us Americans when they discover the truth...its good for them to know the real story rather than just the myths that everyone celebrates at thanksgiving. I remember one time you told me that your kids were dressing up like Indians for thanksgiving and I thought ‘uh oh.’ Because a lot of Indians don't really appreciate that too much as I am sure you can understand. Because I was raised in a very traditional family (like yours seems now) I was never told about a lot of the real origins and stories about American holidays and so when I grew up and started learning about them I felt very confused and betrayed by my parents and of course the government for telling me so many lies when I was a child. To a growing number of people all around the world now, especially in the Americas, thanksgiving is becoming an International Day of Mourning for the millions of people who were killed and who this land was stolen from---As well as a wonderful day to celebrate our thankfulness for our family, health, and friends. Just info. 
No big deal, just interesting stuff to know. 

I gotta do a quick data dump here. Thanksgiving night, it was late, the four of us sitting around the house. Cozy, intimate. I shared with Red and Mohdie and Madelyn what has been happening with Cleopatra for the last two years. just laid it out on the line. for the first time really. Combination shock sadness horror confusion.

This morning I have this deep realization while I was making an espresso. subtle. I spend the last 24 hours reflecting on the shock and horror that I saw in Maddie and Mohdie when I told them what was going on. Trying to figure out how I can let that happen. what have I been doing>? What was I thinking? this morning I started realizing that it is simple. It’s a love thing. for a lot of us. it is just a measure of how much we are willing to put up with for love. To have that feeling of love in our lives. Or any of the things that go with it. or even anything that approximates it. so for me I was willing to be lied to and deceived a lot and even kept it a secret from everyone else to protect Cleo and my own rep just so I could have her in my life. because somehow I was still equating her with love. But I hadn't gotten anything even close to real love, not even friendship love, from her in years. man that hurts. But its true. so I was just kind of letting all this stuff happen that shouldn’t be happening. Lies all over the place. half truths. Just totally not my scene and whenever I say anything about it, she always just says I am being self-righteous. To try to get me to just let her do whatever. and man the whole time I'm walking one walk but I'm allowing this whole other walk to be going on in my world just because of love. Man I think that has something to do when people are raised with a kind of dysfunctional or codependent love thing when they are kids. I think a normal person would have just walked away, done whatever they had to to get out years ago. now I know. in the tub I felt this really wonderful and powerful sense of peace and happiness. I have been floating in it ever since thanksgiving when I made this decision to let all this go.

I'm walking around the house screaming my lungs out just to let out steam about sleep with you not shooting right up to number one. I'm on the phone with the promo people everyday. What the fuck is up with this album? the head promoter tells me that it is their most controversial CD they promoted all year. they love when albums launch such polar extreme responses from people. he compares it to Eminem. He says that they have 125 stations playing it now who just love it. and then there are the ones who are just really turned off by it. by the artwork, by the crass lyrics. By the loud guitars. You name it. man I didn't expect this at all. I told the commercial rock radio promoter, listen Lisa, we weren't trying to be controversial. I look at that cover and I just think its beautiful. I don't even notice that she is naked. I was just trying to make a statement about love and sex and relationships basically. That was it. And what's so controversial about that? She thinks we should change the cover.

Thanksgiving morning. Woke up to Justin’s new one, justified. KICK ASS! Brown Bear is getting married today. I am responsible for playing the different CDs during the ceremony. Which means I am supposed to be there by 10 am. I tell Brown Bear over the phone dude how the hell am I supposed to be there at 10AM? You know how fucking early that is? Are you crazy? anyway I scheduled three different wake up calls to make sure I woke up in time. I made it. Justin's new CD is slamming and deserved the attention it got. It’s a white guy making black music so its got that touch of both; sounds really groovy. Watched a little football to wake up. And got ready.

I was one of the few friends of brown bears invited to this his second wedding. So I decided not to go fly home to be with the fam this year so I could do his wedding. I felt very honored to be a part of a very intimate family affair. Man we go back a long time. the Wolf wasn't here. I don't know why. the cat either. Can’t get a hold of the cat. Miss her a lot. They are going through such changes now. divorce and selling the house and all that. who would have known? life really does kind of ebb and flow in a way that is unpredictable at times. And we keep flowing. We don't have a choice.

The wedding was very beautiful. in the back porch, under the cool sun. there was a moment when Brown Bear was saying his vows to his new bride, shall we call her little bear, and she had this look in her eye, staring up at him and you could just see this love and appreciation and joy in her eyes. it was something that I hope to see in my own bride’s eyes one day. it was heart-warming. A truly joyous affair. After the ceremony, a few people made a toast. So I said one myself, “on behalf of all of your friends that I am sure wish they could be here on this special day, I want to make this toast which has very profound connotations among men: a very long and high pitched “ddddduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddddddddde.” All the older people looked at me like ‘what did he just say?” it was very funny. But his mom gave me this look of ‘thank you’ with a glean in her eye. We all clinked glasses.

Ali Bear is here of course. I am sitting here typing and watching her out of the corner of my eye. She is holding a baby. She looks so beautiful and motherly in the cool sunlight. We used to date back in college. Spent a few months together. We had a nice time. I stare at her and wonder. She's going to make a wonderful wife. Happy to still be here. part of their family for so long. the kind of friends where you take each other for granted almost. You can be in the same house for a few hours and just hang out. I have that here with them. I like that. we’re lucky when we have that in our lives. not being with my own fam this holiday and yet so appreciative that I have two very special places to go, two kind of surrogate families. After this we’ll all meet up at Madelyn O'Ryan’s house for another dinner and desert.

Last night I went to Zeke’s to record trophy wife’s background vocals to our new album. we are finished at Vancouver's house. Just trying to finish some backgrounds on nothing is cohesive. Zeke volunteered to finish producing it and mix it. I found myself so happy working with trophy wife again. she has this amazing voice and it gets me very giddy singing with her. She glows.  Like an angel. Similar to Madelyn O'Ryan. There's pix of her on the rise and shine album. She is a special person, kind of child-like, innocent, sweet natured, so it adds this touch of sweetness and joy to our projects. She is our secret weapon. It really felt good, working out the back ground vocals to a few songs, tomorrow and bored. I thought to myself, this is what Transcendence is all about. This is transcendence. This interaction between the three of us working on this great music.

Thanksgiving with the family in Arizona. Am I outgrowing my family? Is that possible? Could there be a worse dream to wake up to? Is that what growing into an adult means? Click your heels. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

Watched Paul McCartney on TV last night. What a great band he has assembled. Still carrying the torch. His vocals were awesome. Made me realize how we really need to start making a better living from our own music. Right now the general consensus is that bands don't make good money. One out of a thousand maybe make enough to get by. You’ve got your Eminems and your Madonnas. But most of us don't even make enough to live. And this belief is perpetuated and vehemently defended by everyone in the industry. ‘that's just the way it is,’ is the general feeling. We hear it all the time. every show we play, we’re told that we may have to play for free, or we’ll be lucky if we make five hundred bucks to split between all five of us plus pay the soundman, light person, flyers, transportation, etc. and a lot of times it's the bands that are at fault in the first place because they put up with it and so they set this precedent that all bands have to do it. They get so used to it that they never get out of it. It’s like, ‘I've fallen into this belief and I can’t get up.’ it's funny.