I gotta do a quick data dump here. Thanksgiving night, it was late, the four of us sitting around the house. Cozy, intimate. I shared with Red and Mohdie and Madelyn what has been happening with Cleopatra for the last two years. just laid it out on the line. for the first time really. Combination shock sadness horror confusion.

This morning I have this deep realization while I was making an espresso. subtle. I spend the last 24 hours reflecting on the shock and horror that I saw in Maddie and Mohdie when I told them what was going on. Trying to figure out how I can let that happen. what have I been doing>? What was I thinking? this morning I started realizing that it is simple. It’s a love thing. for a lot of us. it is just a measure of how much we are willing to put up with for love. To have that feeling of love in our lives. Or any of the things that go with it. or even anything that approximates it. so for me I was willing to be lied to and deceived a lot and even kept it a secret from everyone else to protect Cleo and my own rep just so I could have her in my life. because somehow I was still equating her with love. But I hadn't gotten anything even close to real love, not even friendship love, from her in years. man that hurts. But its true. so I was just kind of letting all this stuff happen that shouldn’t be happening. Lies all over the place. half truths. Just totally not my scene and whenever I say anything about it, she always just says I am being self-righteous. To try to get me to just let her do whatever. and man the whole time I'm walking one walk but I'm allowing this whole other walk to be going on in my world just because of love. Man I think that has something to do when people are raised with a kind of dysfunctional or codependent love thing when they are kids. I think a normal person would have just walked away, done whatever they had to to get out years ago. now I know. in the tub I felt this really wonderful and powerful sense of peace and happiness. I have been floating in it ever since thanksgiving when I made this decision to let all this go.

I'm walking around the house screaming my lungs out just to let out steam about sleep with you not shooting right up to number one. I'm on the phone with the promo people everyday. What the fuck is up with this album? the head promoter tells me that it is their most controversial CD they promoted all year. they love when albums launch such polar extreme responses from people. he compares it to Eminem. He says that they have 125 stations playing it now who just love it. and then there are the ones who are just really turned off by it. by the artwork, by the crass lyrics. By the loud guitars. You name it. man I didn't expect this at all. I told the commercial rock radio promoter, listen Lisa, we weren't trying to be controversial. I look at that cover and I just think its beautiful. I don't even notice that she is naked. I was just trying to make a statement about love and sex and relationships basically. That was it. And what's so controversial about that? She thinks we should change the cover.

So I'm letting off some steam screaming and yelling. I'm listening to the song vicodin and I'm screaming “fuck! I love this song. This song is fucking great. Listen to that guitar!” and Bas is like man mellow out. This is the business you chose. Why are you trying to act like you don't know this shit already dawg? We say it ourselves all the time. you think you're going to release an album and a month later its going to be in everyone’s house all over the world? Fishy how many years were we listening to coldplay now before anyone knew who they were? Four years for God sakes? Or Travis? Or Muse? Or Remy Zero? And these are big bands that tour all over the world. Just let it sink in man. It’s a gamble. You’re in a gambling business. But you chose it. Bas telling me about when Live came out with throwing copper and how he bought it the first day and everyone would make fun of them like who the fuck is live back in high school and then three years later throwing copper is like the number one record. “Fishy stop screaming man! Throwing copper took three fucking years to catch on. Don't worry. Just keep working it man. Be patient. Easy dog.”

O.k. that made me feel better. But I still feel impatient and pissed.

Last screening: master in command with Russell Crow. Good time. worth seeing. inspiring. “Might I trouble you for an anecdote?”