Unable to sleep. Depressed about Cleo leaving. It's like I never left. I've been back three weeks. I lie in bed fantasizing about committing suicide. The only reason I don't is because of the new album we are making. I love it so much. Maybe it will be my last work. If that is the case I will be happy. I think it is wonderful. I am glad to be a part of it. So for now the thoughts of creating it are what is keeping me alive I think. Nothing really excites me anymore here. I think it is just hitting me that life with Cleo is over. Not just us as lovers or fiancés, cause I don't think about her like that. Not even a little. But as friends or co-workers. And I know that's what we need to do to get on with our lives. But for some reason I'm not that happy about it. Its weird cause part of me is. right? I mean, she is kind of crazy and living with her was insane. It was really truly insane. A rollercoaster. And working with her was even worse. A true nightmare. But I think what happened is that when I met her and fell in love with her, and then decided I wanted to marry her, it wasn't some little thing for me. I really thought that was it for us. I thought she would be my wife forever. I just thought that through thick and thin I would stand by her side. Even when she started freaking out. I still had this fatherly kind of unconditional love for her. So now I am realizing that all of that is over. I mean. Maybe I can still have that. but the relationship is truly over. she got pregnant, got married. I mean, its really over. but part of me is still so attached to her as a friend and advisor. Is this normal in these situations? Even I'm bored writing about this. What a bunch of crap. I just have to get used to being without her. Period. And if I can’t, and I decide to kill myself, I will wait till the album is done. I will finish this album with these guys so it's done and it's out there and we have it. then I will do it. Cause the truth is if I can’t make my living from making music then I really don't want to be making a living doing anything else. I'm just not into it anymore. That's not what I signed up for here.