The 4th of December. Unbelievable. Feels like such a race against time at this point. I just woke up. I had to pee so bad, it felt like I was going to burst but I was so OUT of it, and so COLD. I think its like 30 degrees in here. I left the window open. I always sleep with the window open. Cleo used to hate it. we would wake up in the middle of the night in Vermont and there would be three feet of snow outside and I would have the window open and we would be frozen. Funny. O.k. so yes, trying this new thing the last few weeks where as soon as you wake up you start to write, which everyone says is so amazing, and I have found it to be easy, flowing, and inspiring; as I woke up I had this realization that the last few months have been so forced. Like I'm forcing everything. and then I realized that I am just in major resistance to so many things. that is that forced horrible painful dreading feeling I have been living with lately. It has been over two years since I have been to an Avatar course of any kind. And you wouldn’t believe how easy it is to slip back into “normal people” thinking and living, if you don't go to a course at least once a year; at least for me. I just always start to forget the basics. and then of course because everyone around you is not an Avatar and still pushes and pulls and struggles and climbs and moans and groans etc up the hills and ladders and through the woods etc you just end up finding yourself with the same beliefs again and finding everything such a challenge rather than being easy like they normally are in my world... anyway, at the least I woke up with the realization of it.

Now the fun part. Relax, let go, one by one, start observing things in my consciousness that are bothering me, and then process them. find out what I am actually in resistance to. each thing. feel through the resistance, the fear, the guilt or frustration, or whatever else is there, and then let it go. be left with ‘to create or not to create,’ and decide in the moment of clarity. Today will be that day for me. Now it is time to get into more of a flow.

Sort of. Actually I have a pretty busy day, but I will find time for the work.

just got off the phone. very excited. I will get to interview bishop John Shelby spong. I have been working on this for about a year. Tomorrow I will go see him speak in lower Manhattan. Very close to nailing down the interview with reverend Al Sharpton and will know this week if that is going down. I am achieving this dream of being able to connect all the dots of the meaning of it all through hanging out with interviewing people, slowly, but it is happening. This whole show thing has ended up being much better than I thought it would be by the way it is combining so many different aspects of who I am into one creative thing. it may be the missing piece.

I am in this restaurant I always go to now. around the corner from the apt. that's funny, when you read you have no idea that the writer keeps switching places where he is writing on you. funny when you think about it. amazed that I live here now. everyone walking into these quaint little restaurants with their winter coats and scarves on. How lucky indeed I am.

In my inbox I find this hilarious email advertising an online pharmacy:

“100 Assorted Life Fixers”

http://www.someone8avenue.info/?9nzP/f=2/Aau/LhNo/XxdQ”  

If only it were that easy! Haha!

I am going to see Juliet in Oregon in a week or two. I am excited to see her face to face after all these years. And I will make good practical use of the time by conducting some interviews with anti-logging activists and attorneys as well. I will stay at a bed and breakfast that makes its own home made granola, which will be cool. will film the whole thing.

I continue to write this ongoing letter whenever I feel like it called ‘to my wife whenever I may find you.’ Good therapy. I think it keeps me more centered and in reality. I started it in early 2001, and just add to it every now and then with whatever I'm thinking about at the time. one day after we are married I will give it to her as a wedding present. I think it will be a present that will be very meaningful. something that no amount of money could buy.

What a funny practice. But it helps placate the romantic in me so I'm not off with every cute bunny that crosses my path and instead stay focused and not go off on some tangent that wouldn’t be optimal for me or my future family. When you're a guy, it is easy to get distracted by whatever happens to just cross your path. So keeping the letter going to her helps me hold a place in my heart for her and continue to carry myself in a manner befitting who I hope she is and would want me to be, however strange that may sound.

A classic musicians/engineers joke sent in by my good friend Zeke Zaschin:

A musician who's spent his entire life trying to get a record deal is feeling extremely depressed.  He's been turned-down by every record company he's ever contacted.  No one seems to recognize his unique genius. So, he decides to top himself and comes up with an ingenuous plan to get back at all the record companies who've rejected him all of his life. He books time at a recording studio, and instructs the sound engineer to record everything he says, and every sound he hears, and then copy it all onto 1000 CDs, and send a CD to every record company executive on the list that he hands the engineer. The guy walks into the vocal booth; the red light is on, and he begins..."This is a message for all you sycophantic, talentless, stupid record company ass-holes who've ignored me for all these years.  I've dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-searching music, and all you bastards do is discard my tapes, never return my 'phone calls, and sign these horrible, no-talent, ridiculous, dumb bands, and these filthy, dirty rappers!  Well, you bunch of morons, you parasites, you dumb pricks; I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's you who have driven me to this!  Goodbye you fuckin' murderers of art!"  With that, he pulls out a gun, puts it to his head and blows his brains out.

The sound engineer glances up and says, "Okay.  That's fine.  I've got a good level. Wanna go for a take?"

Last screening: Mansfield park, another Jane Austen. O.k.

Current spin: Matthew Sabatella, ballad of America. Americana music. I am thinking about putting this baby out on our label. Fascinating stuff. and of course Matt is brilliant.

Unable to sleep. Depressed about Cleo leaving. It's like I never left. I've been back three weeks. I lie in bed fantasizing about committing suicide. The only reason I don't is because of the new album we are making. I love it so much. Maybe it will be my last work. If that is the case I will be happy. I think it is wonderful. I am glad to be a part of it. So for now the thoughts of creating it are what is keeping me alive I think. Nothing really excites me anymore here. I think it is just hitting me that life with Cleo is over. Not just us as lovers or fiancés, cause I don't think about her like that. Not even a little. But as friends or co-workers. And I know that's what we need to do to get on with our lives. But for some reason I'm not that happy about it. Its weird cause part of me is. right? I mean, she is kind of crazy and living with her was insane. It was really truly insane. A rollercoaster. And working with her was even worse. A true nightmare. But I think what happened is that when I met her and fell in love with her, and then decided I wanted to marry her, it wasn't some little thing for me. I really thought that was it for us. I thought she would be my wife forever. I just thought that through thick and thin I would stand by her side. Even when she started freaking out. I still had this fatherly kind of unconditional love for her. So now I am realizing that all of that is over. I mean. Maybe I can still have that. but the relationship is truly over. she got pregnant, got married. I mean, its really over. but part of me is still so attached to her as a friend and advisor. Is this normal in these situations? Even I'm bored writing about this. What a bunch of crap. I just have to get used to being without her. Period. And if I can’t, and I decide to kill myself, I will wait till the album is done. I will finish this album with these guys so it's done and it's out there and we have it. then I will do it. Cause the truth is if I can’t make my living from making music then I really don't want to be making a living doing anything else. I'm just not into it anymore. That's not what I signed up for here.

Trying to sort things out with the whole love/relationship thing lately. Spent the night with Madelynne and Mohdie and the Ferret and Bas doing the Christmas thing like always. Haven't spoken to Cleo since Friday, which still just feels very weird. Haven't totally come to terms with our present situation yet. God, maybe I never will. But the theme of the month, really for the last year and a half has been love, romance and relationships.

Is there a way to appreciate beauty without feeling like you have to own it and possess it? And is there a way to spend really good quality time with someone without feeling like it has to own you? Without feeling like it has to go on forever? I have always been of the mind and heart where once I love a girl, I don't necessarily stop loving them ever. The love may change a bit, but it doesn’t go away. That doesn’t mean that I want to be with them or marry them or get jealous of their new boyfriends or husbands, but it's like I am just really sentimental. So I do want to stay in touch with them and I notice myself think about them often and want to talk to them and buy them gifts as friends from time to time, and just be there for them. But some girls do not like this.