I really feel like crying. I just feel so sad. Maybe its lack of sleep. I cancelled all appointments today and will take calls. I just cannot bring myself to get motivated. This morning I gave an interview in the park with New York metro magazine about it. that was it though. The rest of the day I have not felt like speaking with anyone. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I think this is what denial feels like.

Its just that everyone worked so hard for this. I mean, how did this happen? who are these insane people who even considered voting for this administration, let alone went and did it? One of the best presidential candidates in history loses to one of the worst presidents in history. I just don't get it. So many people worked so hard to avoid this tragedy and yet still we are left with it at our doorstep. Like nuclear waste that we cannot get rid of... that's what it feels like. And the worst part is that the states that voted for this guy aren't the ones that are going to have to deal with it... New Yorkers are outraged of course, because its all the big city states on the coast that are going to have to deal with all the shit that's going to hit the fan. the potential for another terrorist attack because of this is imminent. Our one chance of protecting American soil was by ousting this admin. There aren't going to be bombs going off in Montana or Missouri or Texas, but rather in Boston or Phili or New York or los Angeles. And that's just bullshit that these middle states voted to continue with all this terrorism we are doing in Iraq and we have to do be the ones that live with it. I'm just rambling. I'll stop. But I cannot help but also fear for our jobs now, for gay people, for women’s rights, for the economy, and for the environment. This guy is going to have carte blanche now to just fucking ruin the country in a way we haven't seen since the Vietnam days.

But I did hear one positive side to it. a Buddy of mine who ran for congress on the dem ticket and lost to a repub said that the positive way to look at it is that by the time the bush regime is done, the country will be so thoroughly devastated by the damage that they do that that it will finally and unequivocally rip the conservative cord out of its belly once and for all. he like so many today feel that the next four years do not bode well for the States. and so maybe this is the last dying gasp of the old breed as they finally see the error in their ways. I just hope they don't bring the rest of us down with them. that was I believe why so many public figures and enlightened citizens alike worked so hard to fight this from happening.

I'm bored with this subject now. we’ll just have to wait and see what the young cowboy has in him. how many more hundreds of thousands of people will be killed during his wicked regime. For future generations to make note, it may seem astounding to you reading this that we in this age and at this time in our early evolution speak so calmly and easily about the murder of hundreds of thousands of other people. and I admit, that as much as it is abhorant to me, I am still as a citizen of this world, very used to the idea of it. it is something we take for granted as a people still. we have no problem as Americans accepting the fact that we have killed over one hundred thousand Iraqi people in less than a year. but take heart, for as shocking as it must seem to you, make note of the fact that last night on November 2nd, 2004 48% of the American people voted against gw bush. He received 51% of the vote. A high number indeed, but it does offer hope that the country has turned enough now that we are a divided people.

not everyone is that kind of person anymore or sees things the same way. to many of us now the idea that we have killed so many people in a country that we don't even know, who never even attacked us, seems unenlighted and barbaric and savage and ignorant and it reminds us of earlier generations of humans who we tell ourselves now in our history books and school textbooks that we are no longer like, but I am afraid to report that many are still this way. if last nights election results are any indication of the matter, it would appear that about 51% of the population of the United States is this way still. these are the same people mind you who buy CDs, (you probably don't know what those are --- we store music on them), they buy the music of Britney spears (I am sure you don't know who she is but she was an entertainer of questionable talent who no one in the entire country admits to listening to but somehow she sells millions of these CDs). anyway, that is the kind of people that these 51% are. They read detective novels and romance novels and they watch “network TV” and they go to Arnold Schwarzenegger films. (again, I know you may not know who that is, but trust me when I say he was no Marlon Brando (God I hope we still know who that is)). The times are strange for us when a man of mere amusement and folly such as he is respected in the realm of political thinking above more learned men.

Law of Familiarity

Beyond tired. Beyond exhausted. Beyond sad. Beyond lonely. Beyond broke. Beyond scared.

Fred the producer, really need to give him a name, he looks like that shepherding dog from bugs bunny, what was his name, meets with rockaway tonight to give him the rough mixes from the hit factory sessions. They basically have a ‘fishy session’ sharing stories about me rockaway tells me. Fred asks rockaway ‘how well do you know Fishy?’ ‘pretty well man... why?’ ‘I've known Fishy for five years and I still can’t figure him out. why the fuck is he moving to New York now? your band is about to explode. Your finally getting the attention you’ve worked so hard for, that we've all worked so hard for... you have a song on the charts, gigs coming up, You have a new CD coming out in a few days, and you just started work on a new album yesterday and he's moving. The guy makes no sense.’ Rockaway tells me, ‘dude, don't worry, I explained you to him. I understand you. I just told him, ‘look man, Fishy just needs to get into a new scene that suits him more. He needs a doorman, he needs better cappuccinos, and prettier skylines and fancier women to be inspired by. He's not leaving us. he's just getting into a place that's cooler for him. he's not leaving the band.’ I told him not to worry about the band. I'm not worried man. Should I be?’ ‘No dude. You hit the nail on the head. We’re still in a band. I'm going to be doing the same thing up there as I'm doing down here, but I'll be happier and I think because of that, I’ll be more productive for all of us.’ ‘yeah I know man.’ ‘thanks dude. I appreciate that.’

So now I spend a lot of my days having little goodbye sessions with friends around town. lunches and dinners and drinks. Good times indeed. Tonight I spent a few hours drinking with Tony the Tiger. While I had three beers he had ten. never seen a guy drink like that before. I don't know if he even caught a buzz. We talk about everything under the sun for three beautiful hours; getting to know each other better and saying our goodbyes.

I tell him he drinks too much and that I think its from a deep seated lack of artistic unfulfillment. Tony is an actor. He is still slightly famous having appeared in many famous soaps for the last fifteen years, guiding light, one life to live; he ended up in Miami working on one called ocean avenue. But now he doesn’t act anymore. Shares with me the story of Socrates going to see the oracle to ask about the meaning of everything. the oracle answers that the only thing to know is that we don't know anything. So that's why he drinks he tells me. because we don't know anything...

I share with him the story of me and white bear and a few comrades back in the college days. we knew. and we knew we knew because we knew that we didn't know shit, whereas most everyone else thought they did know. and so we had this thing about our group and everyone else around us. people either knew or didn't know. someone new might come into the group and we would check them out to see if they knew or not. You could tell the ones that knew, because they knew they didn't know. that none of us did. but alas, most people thought they did know. and so we had a pretty small group in those days. Madelyn still asks me behind closed doors sometimes when I introduce her to someone new, ‘she seems nice, but does she knoooowwwww?” she drags out the word.

We start talking about books. Books. Silly things really in the bigger picture that we were speaking of, but we indulged each other anyway. beer after beer and we pressed each other. We had read it all. already knew we didn't know. I like that about Tony. He comes off as just this goofy good looking actor, but then you start talking to him and you find out he's this varsity lacrosse captain, scholarship winning award winning ACTOR, capital A, and that he's already gone to the edge and looked down, read it all, thought about it all. you can talk to him. he mentions Celestine prophecy and the like and we both laugh. We go deeper, Hermann Hesse, lao tsu, Sartre, bloodline of the holy grail, Davinci code... I told him that by the time the Davinci code book hit that it was already old news to most seekers who had already known that stuff for years. first started to hit the intellectuals of this generation back in the early nineties. Just now the mainstreamers are starting to discover what a very few have known for millennia, probably since the whole ‘Jesus died on the cross and didn't marry Mary Magdalene and didn't have any kids’ myth was first started.

So there we were, at the figurative edge of it all. he downs another beer. ‘dude, you have to find a way to deal with this without drinking yourself to death. You’ve got serious leadership skills man. You’ve got the gift. And you're not doing anything about it because of all these crazy mysteries of the universe. I know where you're at. It sucks...”

He mentions the book, the alchemist, and he says ‘hold on,’ gets up and starts running. I swear to God I'm just sitting there at the table by myself thinking what the hell is going on. He comes back fifteen minutes later with a brown bag. I open it up and there's this gift-wrapped book in there. ‘this is for you. your going away present.’ He tells me. this guy is classic.

One more thing from what I can remember. He tells me, ‘When I'm on acid it feels very familiar to me, like I'm in the best play in the world that just hasn’t been written yet.’ yes my friend. I know what you mean. But I have given those days up long ago. I now feel that life itself is the greatest play in the world that just hasn’t been written yet.

In between days:
Working a lot on the law of familiarity.     

PATTANI, Thailand -- Thailand's prime minister has said security forces made mistakes handling a group of Muslim rioters and has expressed regret that nearly 80 people died of suffocation while in custody.
"I regret the loss of lives in a way that should not have happened, due to suffocation. I will order a committee to be set up to investigate the situation," Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra said on Wednesday.
[So it sounds like now Thailand is officially a “democracy.” M-mm.]

Heavy day. Torn. Depressed, but also relieved. Someone made me an offer on the house in Miami that would be ridiculous to refuse. With the economy the way it is now, everyone says take the money and run in real estate now due to a coming real estate correction. Someone wants to spend a half a million dollars on an over valued house in an over valued neighborhood in an over valued real estate market that's about to burst then let them, but don't be the one standing there holding that mortgage yourself. Not now. not in these times. so me, yes me, going to throw everything I own in storage, move into a temp apt on the ocean and go on tour. Come back and finish recording with the band and look for something in NYC. Strategy is that by then the economy will have gotten worse and prices will have started to fall in housing as interest rates continue to rise and everything else continues to decline. Economists are predicting that by November we will be knee deep in it, by January and February there will be foreclosures and sales where people will be able to snatch up real estate for pennies on the dollar compared to today's prices. So I'm going to sit on cash for a while. live on the road. And wait. All I need is a guitar and the truth. That was said once.

We are madly working on the artwork for the nothing is cohesive album. in the studio learning songs for two new albums: the new one, and another called Girls, which will be all the girls names, new songs and old ones. Me and G2 on the phone today, he still in Chile, discussing the artwork for all these albums. He suggests flower photos for NIC, but I say no man remember we want to use those for the freedom beauty truth love album. he says ‘are you still doing that one?’ ‘yes of course man. Just have to get these other ones out of the way and then we’ll do that one. maybe next year.’ ‘ Man you make a lot of albums. You never stop.’ ‘I know man. Its crazy. I'm like some mad underground film maker who just keeps pushing out these films that no body likes except his hundred or so fans...’ ‘Dude I think its more like 5 fans...’ ‘You may be right man.’ We’re laughing hysterically. The little movies.

It was that one little move in space/time. this one decision. G2 telling me ‘go back to using your own name bro. Acknowledge who you are and what you are doing...’ That was it. it empowered me like I never would have imagined.

Unable to sleep. Depressed about Cleo leaving. It's like I never left. I've been back three weeks. I lie in bed fantasizing about committing suicide. The only reason I don't is because of the new album we are making. I love it so much. Maybe it will be my last work. If that is the case I will be happy. I think it is wonderful. I am glad to be a part of it. So for now the thoughts of creating it are what is keeping me alive I think. Nothing really excites me anymore here. I think it is just hitting me that life with Cleo is over. Not just us as lovers or fiancés, cause I don't think about her like that. Not even a little. But as friends or co-workers. And I know that's what we need to do to get on with our lives. But for some reason I'm not that happy about it. Its weird cause part of me is. right? I mean, she is kind of crazy and living with her was insane. It was really truly insane. A rollercoaster. And working with her was even worse. A true nightmare. But I think what happened is that when I met her and fell in love with her, and then decided I wanted to marry her, it wasn't some little thing for me. I really thought that was it for us. I thought she would be my wife forever. I just thought that through thick and thin I would stand by her side. Even when she started freaking out. I still had this fatherly kind of unconditional love for her. So now I am realizing that all of that is over. I mean. Maybe I can still have that. but the relationship is truly over. she got pregnant, got married. I mean, its really over. but part of me is still so attached to her as a friend and advisor. Is this normal in these situations? Even I'm bored writing about this. What a bunch of crap. I just have to get used to being without her. Period. And if I can’t, and I decide to kill myself, I will wait till the album is done. I will finish this album with these guys so it's done and it's out there and we have it. then I will do it. Cause the truth is if I can’t make my living from making music then I really don't want to be making a living doing anything else. I'm just not into it anymore. That's not what I signed up for here.