Went to Churchill's to see some music. Heading out in the hard rain at midnight. I needed to pound some whiskey and whoop it up with other like minded people. hard week. non stop work. Unbearable hours. I had no idea what owning and running a record company was like. I had done it for four years now but always with a three person staff. It’s different now. Just me and the designers and independent promotions people. 

DC3 is officially the band of 2003. They were just amazing. Had the whole crowd in their hand. Awesome. 

The artisan calls. We talk till about 4:30 am. I reveal to her that I have been so frustrated the last few months. I tell her I have seriously contemplated ending my life if I cannot make money making music. Of course I was a bit drunk. Not in a bad way I told her. Because I'm not upset or anything and I wouldn’t do it in like a woe is me poor me I'm so sad kind of way but more in like a o.k. this sucks I'm a pretty happy person in general and just don't feel like struggling with this anymore and I've made some awesome albums over the last few years so I think ill just decide to end it all now. better to go out with a bang after making what you consider just totally awesome inspiring and fulfilling works of art, rather than getting stuck in some job working for somebody doing something that you don't even like. For me personally I think that would be worse than death. In fact, you know, lets be honest, death for the person who dies is not a bad thing at all. In fact, it’s a nothing thing. After all, you're dead. Its just bad for the people who are still around. But for me, death would just be an easier way than say having to work at something that I didn't enjoy everyday and worse than that have to pretend to dress a certain way that's not you or pretend to act like you’re not you and all that. You know, I just feel completely beyond pretending to be someone I'm not. And I know that a lot of people do that with their lives because they feel like they have to, but for me, I just would rather not. 

So again I told her hey it’s not a boo boo bad thing babe, its just maybe a decision I will make because frankly I am very happy with all the music we have made the last few years. I just feel so incredibly good about it and so happy and proud and excited about it that if I did die I would die proud and happy. And I'll be honest, everyday I meet guys in the street or when we are performing some concert somewhere who have quit music. And they are fat and married and have kids and all that and now they’ve sold all their instruments etc, and no I don't find any honor or happiness in that. I mean maybe for them yeah its cool, if they're happy with their new lives. I dig that they come up to us and tell us how much we rock and all that and get so much out of music still, but for me I would not be happy being that. If I have to sell a guitar because of something like that I would rather someone just shoot me or drug me to death. When we were young struggling guys in a band and times got tough, which they always were for years and years and years there for a while, someone from the outside would suggest selling a guitar or something, and when we had to make that choice between selling a guitar or letting the electric get turned off we would always let the electric get turned off. Friends would come over and be like oh man no electric again? and we’d be like ‘well hopefully after the gig at Churchill's we will make enough to get the electric turned back on....’ and that was the diff between the men and the boys. Between the real musicians and the guys who were just wannabes. That's a whole other story, but the point is that I just don't want to live like that anymore. And I don't want to put on a suit either. So maybe the most dignified and honorable thing might be just to end it now while its all so cool and wonderful and I feel like I am riding on this creative high as an artist. I mean, as an artist, and even as a person, I feel like to a certain extent, not even close to entirely of course, but somewhat, I have accomplished what I set out to. Certainly there are things I can be proud of. So I'm telling all this to the artisan and she is crying on the phone. And kind of freaking out, cannot believe I am talking about it so casually. But I had thought a lot about it already. A lot. And she says to me in her always very special way, ‘no no no no no. no. I'm sorry, but no. no Fishy you are not going to do that and you are not going to speak this way. Do you know what that would do to so many people? If you did something like that? Do you know how many people that would fuck up for life? If you did that? Do you have any idea? Do you know how much you mean to so many people? And you know what? What? They don't care what you do for a living. No one cares. Its you they care about. You are an inspiration. Who you are. More than that. You are an example to a lot of people. and if you find some way to use some twisted logic to talk yourself into ending your own life, then you are going to ruin a lot of peoples lives. And you're going to make a lot of people very sad. So please don't talk that way anymore. I don't like it. Enough of that.” and that's the artisan in a nutshell. That's her style. 

And that was that. We talked for a few more hours. About life and love. And she made me kind of happy to be slightly miserable, just talking to her. And that's what friends are for. I mean there it is. This power that we can have for each other. In each others lives. I woke up the next day and felt like hey at least lets just try to finish the new album were working on. And then if I feel like it, I'll off myself when the album is finished. I feel like I owe it to everyone involved. But more than that, perhaps less dramatically appealing, I woke up feeling refreshed and revived. Just from talking it out with someone. Really telling someone what I was feeling in my inner heart. This secret that I had been carrying around for months in me. it felt good to have it out. 

Last Screening: 24 hour party people. story of Manchester music scene and the birth of new wave bands like joy division and new order and happy Mondays, and rave culture.