The artisan came over this afternoon. Spent some time hanging with the fam and then the two of us snuck off to hang out and catch up at a nearby coffee shop. we were both so excited the last two months to see each other and spend time together this Christmas, as we had last year. but just a little over a week ago, the artisan met someone. Like really met someone. A someone she thinks she may really like and be with. She told me yesterday afternoon at about 5. when we got off the phone I was in such shock that I just fell asleep right where I was laying on the living room floor. I think my body or mind just needed to sleep it off, because I was so looking forward to being with her. I was kind of in shock a little. I hadn't even really taken any of the girls I was seeing in the last few weeks very seriously because I just didn't have the free attention. So much of it was on the artisan and how much fun we would have. 

So today she came over. She went on a date with the guy we will call bachelor number two last night. when we saw each other it was very nice. and sweet. And tender. We got into the car and she asked me immediately, so how do you feel? About what? I feel good. about the situation silly. about us. how do you feel? well, I feel very happy for you, like one of your best girlfriends. and I feel very sad like my heart has been crushed. But its o.k. I'm big enough to hold both identities and not be mad or take it out on either of us.” She said, “I'm just so glad that we can be such good friends. And talk like this. and really be real and honest about it.” “well me too. I love you very much and I'm happy for you. but can I just say this. I leaned up in my seat to face her. “I was just really really longing to be with you. I was longing for you so much the last two months and I couldn’t wait to see you. so this will just take some getting used to.” a tear fell from beneath her sunglasses. “I was longing for you too. you just can’t plan things like this.” I know. you can’t. we’ll deal with it. 

it is true that I longed for her for the last two months. We have the best time when we are together. We never stop laughing. And we share very tender moments together. She is not knowledgeable about the same kind of things. we aren't going to sit and discuss renaissance art or jean luc Goddard films or politics, that's just not her. She's a desert Princess. Loves shopping and makeup and going to the spa. but she is very intelligent and enlightened, so she can understand anything and partake in the most profound conversations about consciousness and truly not only ‘get it’ but add to ‘it.’ I was looking forward to lying for hours with her naked body holding her and hugging her and talking. 

In the café we discussed this newest situation we have found ourselves suddenly faced with and laughed about it. she shared with me how hard it was for her last February at wizards when she realized after our glorious Christmas and new years together that she would have to share me with a few other girls from various countries who I was also very close to. how crushed she was. But how she got over it simply because we sat and talked about it. we talked about a potential future together and realized that it would just never work. She's an early bird, and I'm a night owl. She doesn’t want any more children and I know for sure that at least I want to have 2 or 3. not now, but someday. So right there for us that pretty much decided it for us. we just knew that as much as we liked each other it just wasn't something we should continue to explore. 

But today in the coffee shop we stared into each other’s eyes ---she has very sparkly bright blue eyes----we talked about how that happens and how its just alright. You don't have to get upset about it. that maybe even though there might be someone that you have to let go of because of various different reasons, you can’t be together, that you can still love them and cherish them. that maybe that is just something that is there. you will always love them, but you just know that it wouldn’t be good if you were together, so you aren't together. But that's all intellectual. Its an intellectual understanding. And its good to be practical like that. But in your heart you still love the person very much and you may still want to be with them.

I know I have been in this position many times with many girls. With Maddie and with Cleopatra and la Princesa and then the Italian stallion and Little Tree. All of whom I love madly and passionately but just knew that it wasn't the right thing for any of us in the long run. I know that as I get older I become more and more o.k. with it. I don't let it affect me as much. Call it growing up. call it just being strong or mature or enlightened or being practical, but I'm alright with it. I could sit and talk with her about her new boy and be o.k. with it even though at the same time it was making me feel sad and a little bit jealous. But I can feel the understanding of it all inside of me. and be alright with it. my friends over the years have always asked me well if you love her then why aren't you with her? With all of these amazing girls I have been lucky enough to love and be loved by over the years. but I just know that when you know you know. just like when I met Cleo I knew. right then. I knew from the moment I met her. And then when it was over I knew that too. and I was able to deal with it and move on. 

I have always had this feeling of my future wife inside of my being. Inside of my heart I keep a very special place for her. Even though we have not yet met I still write her love letters now and then and try to feel her and communicate with her through the ether of time and space. I know that if I ever don't listen to my heart and end up with a girl who I can feel is not ‘she’ then I may never get to meet her. And the same for the girl that I settle with. I in turn would be preventing them from meeting the true love of their lives too. Like with la Princesa. We broke up last November and by new years she had met the man of her dreams who she is now married to, even though last November when we broke up she thought I was crazy and a jerk and an asshole, I just knew in my heart that I was making the right decision. And I bet now as she sits next to her new husband by a cozy fire during Christmas that she is not thinking those things about me anymore. I know she knows now that I was right. Because we talk about it via email sometimes. So until I meet the love of my life I just have to deal with situations like this when they arise. I have been to more weddings of ex-girlfriends in the last ten years than any man should be lucky enough to attend. And I cherish every one of them.

When the artisan left today we kissed good bye and it was bitter sweet. But it was bitter sweet in a really really good way. I am out in the back yard now writing and smoking a delicious cigar. [I know, I quit nine months ago, but there is something about the holidays and smoking good cigars that I simply cannot resist.] Mom and T are inside baking cookies and I am very very happy; even though I am perhaps feeling a bit sad too. But it’s sad in a good way.     

Last screening: It’s a wonderful life. first time in many years. don't you just love the holidays? God we just don't make movies like this anymore. There is this crass commercialism that has seeped into American art and entertainment that is so skin crawling and nauseating. It pervades everything around us. Everyone trying to sell to everyone else. Everything seems to just be begging for attention doesn’t it? rather than just doing its thing and minding its own business and just being good if its good. but it’s a wonderful life is such wonderful movie. Towards the end you cannot help be brought to tears. Makes you nostalgic. Why don't people seem polite and genuine like they did back then in the old movies? I wonder what is happening to us? The movie makes you want to go out and do good deeds for people everyday. Can you imagine that? doing at least one good deed everyday of your life? Maddie is like that. Like an angel. I want to be more like that. 

Current Spin: American life, Madonna. I love the Hollywood song. But so far the album seems kind of forced doesn’t it.