In the bath this morning I found myself in deep meditation with God. it has been a very stressful time lately and morning meditations help bring things back into focus. communion with God is sacred to me. but it’s a tricky subject. I picture God as kind of sitting back snickering at me a bit, waiting for me to just accept it, while I ponder till the cows come home. I thought about Beaver and the last talk we had over he and Rat ‘discovering religion’ once they had kids. we were all home for the holidays. Beav and I were outside drinking cognac and smoking after dinner.
“yeah so mom told me you guys are members of your local church now....” I began.
“don't start Fishy. I already knew you were going to say something. don't.”
‘but dude. C'mon. the church? The catholic church? How could you?
‘I have my reasons man.’
‘and what are those? What are you thinking?”
‘I'm thinking I don't want my girls to grow up without God and the kind of community that a local church can give them.’
‘fine. Granted. I can dig that. but the catholic church? The most evil empire in all of civilization?! And you become a member? How could you do this to me?’
‘its not about you man. Its about my family.’
‘what about all my preaching? what about my reputation. What if this leaks out?’
He just gave me this look and dragged on his cigarette...
‘Fine. Dude. I dig it. I see where you're coming from. I really do. you know, just between you and me, I still take in a church now and then. I have to go incognito of course. They'd fucking burn me at the stakes if they ever caught me in a church...
‘They're going to burn you at the stakes either way bro....  accept it. mom says she can’t sleep at night because she's afraid that one night she is going to wake up to a call from the police that you have been murdered because of that crazy shit you write in your diaries.’
‘Yeah I know. I’ve been lucky so far. who knows? maybe the stuff I'm writing isn't so crazy.”
“Sure, keep telling yourself that. maybe one day you’ll believe it. I think you're crazy. According to you, anyone who is republican or democrat or religious or who watches TV or reads the paper or who listens to the radio is an idiot.”
“So?”
“So? Dude there are three hundred million people in this country and you're basically talking about every single one of them, including me and mom. You're asking for it. you're an anarchist. You’ve always been an anarchist.”
“Yeah I know. But you're wrong. not everyone is like that. people are changing.”
“You suffer me bro. your life scares the shit out of me. I don't know how you live like that. so out there away from the mainstream.”
“I always have. But I'm always home for Christmas. Don't let it worry you.”
“Can’t help it. you’re my bro. I want to grow old with you. I don't want to see you on TV strung up dead on some fence by a bunch of rednecks.’
‘just my luck man. Those fucking bastards. Remember what they did to that kid just because he was gay?”
‘Yes. that's what I'm talking about.”
“well I'm not gay man. At least not yet.”
“Not yet? dude you are so fucked up you fag.” Laughs.
“Dude can’t you guys join another church? A regular Christian church? I dig what you're saying about needing that sense of comfort and security.”
‘that's what I'm saying. I wanted my girls to have that as a foundation.’
‘but what about all the lies and the untruths that they are being fed now? and then when they get older they're going to start realizing just like we did that they were totally brainwashed and hate you for it.’
‘maybe. Maybe not,’ he dragged from his cigarette. ‘maybe they’ll like it and stay with it.’
‘great. Just what we fucking need in this family. More religious people. like mom isn’t bad enough. And just what we need in the world. more brainwashed religious walking around spouting lies and placing their unfounded judgments on everyone. Great.’
‘Fishy.’ he looked me in the eye. ‘I know what you mean. O.k.? but I'm not raising my kids alone. You know what I mean? There's two of us. it’s a family. There are two of us making the decisions here. you know? it’s a compromise.’
‘well when I have kids my kids are going to make fun of your kids...’ I laughed. ‘they're going to KNOW the truth, and your kids are going to be blind zombies thinking that God created Adam and eve in the year 4000 BC and they're going to feel awfully confused when they start learning about evolution and all that. its not going to be pretty.’
‘No. I'll take care of that.’
‘how?’
‘because man. Give me more credit. I'll teach my girls what's up. I'm not going to let them take away all that. I'm going to teach them the truth. But the church is going to give them a sense of values and morals and a foundation that they can build off....’
‘like the same kind of values and morals we learned going to catholic school all our lives? Dude. You and I both know how horrible that was. There weren't any values or morals in those schools. It was pure hell.’
‘I agree with you bro. I really do. my girls aren't going to get that. but hopefully they’ll get a good sense of community that we just can’t get without church right now.’
‘I know what you mean man. But I just can’t help but believe that we can still get that good warm sense of comfort and community without a church. At least not the normal American Christian churches. I just don't believe in it anymore... too much damage has been done over the centuries...’
‘I agree with you man. But like I said, there's two of us now making the decisions. We’re cool. don't worry about it.’
‘easy for you to say. I just don't like the idea of more people coming into the world thinking that the church is the right way and all the other ways are the wrong way. I don't like this idea that those people carry around that think that there's one God and all the other ones are false gods...’
‘I know dude. But isn't that what you do anyway? In your own way?’ I thought about what he said.
‘o.k. yeah. I'll give you that. I'm guilty of the same thing in a way. but I don't have any labels or identities or rules attached to my God man. IT just is. You know?’
‘as well it should be. I know that man. And my girls will be the same way. just as I am. And you are.’
‘yeah man. That's the fucked up part about religions right now on the earth. They all think they're the right one and everyone else is wrong. its fucked up. it causes too much pain for everyone. All their rules and dogmas... its always about who’s right and who’s wrong. and next thing you know, someone's getting murdered or locked in prison or blown up. its horrible. Always has been... I just thought that our family was different...’
‘we are different Fishy. trust me on this one. I know what I'm doing.’
‘I trust you bro. its cool. I just had to say my peace.’
‘cool man. Thanks for understanding. Now please don't become a fag.’ Big laughs.

I sat there in the lukewarm water of the bath. I bowed my head. “God help me to find within myself a deep and meaningful spirituality that fulfills me completely but that is honest and real. I won't have any of the manmade stuff. you and I both know it. But we both also know that I cannot continue to live without something. show me who you are. If you are. I'm here and I'm waiting. Show me God.”