Human Needs

What I've come to understand, at least from my own limited view of reality, is that sex is a human need. it is one of the many human needs, along with things like food water shelter and love and so many more. If you do not have sex you will dream about sex; because you need it. the body needs it. the mind needs it. I cannot imagine the pain and torment of the catholic clergymen and women who hold onto archaic belief systems that tell them that they must refrain from something so natural and human as sex in order to live the spiritual life that is our God given right while we are here. that has got to be frustrating. To wake up in a sex dream and be forced by your own beliefs to feel guilty for it. or to desire to give yourself or another pleasure but have to constantly tell yourself that you cannot and that it is wrong somehow. it is truly inhuman.

My own personal belief is that when the catholic church evolves out of this archaic belief of sexual celibacy in order to be spiritually pure, for after all there is nothing more pure than sex if done in the right way –- is there a right way? probably not – then they will then and finally then be ready to fulfill what they have always held the potential to do here on earth. I believe in their mission statement so to speak, as with many of man’s religious systems, just not too impressed with the execution as of yet.

But sex is completely different than love and relationship. They are inter-related but only to a certain degree. They are very different, fulfill different needs. Sex is one thing but it is not to be confused with love or relationship.

Ps –- the people in and of the scene, any scene, whether the art or movie or music or religious or money scene, always tend to over estimate the importance of it in the bigger picture. and ironically the people on the outside of the scene, any scene, always tend to underestimate the importance of it and the power in it when they are on the outside of it.

In the bath this morning I found myself in deep meditation with God. it has been a very stressful time lately and morning meditations help bring things back into focus. communion with God is sacred to me. but it’s a tricky subject. I picture God as kind of sitting back snickering at me a bit, waiting for me to just accept it, while I ponder till the cows come home. I thought about Beaver and the last talk we had over he and Rat ‘discovering religion’ once they had kids. we were all home for the holidays. Beav and I were outside drinking cognac and smoking after dinner.
“yeah so mom told me you guys are members of your local church now....” I began.
“don't start Fishy. I already knew you were going to say something. don't.”
‘but dude. C'mon. the church? The catholic church? How could you?
‘I have my reasons man.’
‘and what are those? What are you thinking?”
‘I'm thinking I don't want my girls to grow up without God and the kind of community that a local church can give them.’
‘fine. Granted. I can dig that. but the catholic church? The most evil empire in all of civilization?! And you become a member? How could you do this to me?’
‘its not about you man. Its about my family.’
‘what about all my preaching? what about my reputation. What if this leaks out?’
He just gave me this look and dragged on his cigarette...
‘Fine. Dude. I dig it. I see where you're coming from. I really do. you know, just between you and me, I still take in a church now and then. I have to go incognito of course. They'd fucking burn me at the stakes if they ever caught me in a church...
‘They're going to burn you at the stakes either way bro....  accept it. mom says she can’t sleep at night because she's afraid that one night she is going to wake up to a call from the police that you have been murdered because of that crazy shit you write in your diaries.’
‘Yeah I know. I’ve been lucky so far. who knows? maybe the stuff I'm writing isn't so crazy.”
“Sure, keep telling yourself that. maybe one day you’ll believe it. I think you're crazy. According to you, anyone who is republican or democrat or religious or who watches TV or reads the paper or who listens to the radio is an idiot.”
“So?”
“So? Dude there are three hundred million people in this country and you're basically talking about every single one of them, including me and mom. You're asking for it. you're an anarchist. You’ve always been an anarchist.”
“Yeah I know. But you're wrong. not everyone is like that. people are changing.”
“You suffer me bro. your life scares the shit out of me. I don't know how you live like that. so out there away from the mainstream.”
“I always have. But I'm always home for Christmas. Don't let it worry you.”
“Can’t help it. you’re my bro. I want to grow old with you. I don't want to see you on TV strung up dead on some fence by a bunch of rednecks.’
‘just my luck man. Those fucking bastards. Remember what they did to that kid just because he was gay?”
‘Yes. that's what I'm talking about.”
“well I'm not gay man. At least not yet.”
“Not yet? dude you are so fucked up you fag.” Laughs.
“Dude can’t you guys join another church? A regular Christian church? I dig what you're saying about needing that sense of comfort and security.”
‘that's what I'm saying. I wanted my girls to have that as a foundation.’
‘but what about all the lies and the untruths that they are being fed now? and then when they get older they're going to start realizing just like we did that they were totally brainwashed and hate you for it.’
‘maybe. Maybe not,’ he dragged from his cigarette. ‘maybe they’ll like it and stay with it.’
‘great. Just what we fucking need in this family. More religious people. like mom isn’t bad enough. And just what we need in the world. more brainwashed religious walking around spouting lies and placing their unfounded judgments on everyone. Great.’
‘Fishy.’ he looked me in the eye. ‘I know what you mean. O.k.? but I'm not raising my kids alone. You know what I mean? There's two of us. it’s a family. There are two of us making the decisions here. you know? it’s a compromise.’
‘well when I have kids my kids are going to make fun of your kids...’ I laughed. ‘they're going to KNOW the truth, and your kids are going to be blind zombies thinking that God created Adam and eve in the year 4000 BC and they're going to feel awfully confused when they start learning about evolution and all that. its not going to be pretty.’
‘No. I'll take care of that.’
‘how?’
‘because man. Give me more credit. I'll teach my girls what's up. I'm not going to let them take away all that. I'm going to teach them the truth. But the church is going to give them a sense of values and morals and a foundation that they can build off....’
‘like the same kind of values and morals we learned going to catholic school all our lives? Dude. You and I both know how horrible that was. There weren't any values or morals in those schools. It was pure hell.’
‘I agree with you bro. I really do. my girls aren't going to get that. but hopefully they’ll get a good sense of community that we just can’t get without church right now.’
‘I know what you mean man. But I just can’t help but believe that we can still get that good warm sense of comfort and community without a church. At least not the normal American Christian churches. I just don't believe in it anymore... too much damage has been done over the centuries...’
‘I agree with you man. But like I said, there's two of us now making the decisions. We’re cool. don't worry about it.’
‘easy for you to say. I just don't like the idea of more people coming into the world thinking that the church is the right way and all the other ways are the wrong way. I don't like this idea that those people carry around that think that there's one God and all the other ones are false gods...’
‘I know dude. But isn't that what you do anyway? In your own way?’ I thought about what he said.
‘o.k. yeah. I'll give you that. I'm guilty of the same thing in a way. but I don't have any labels or identities or rules attached to my God man. IT just is. You know?’
‘as well it should be. I know that man. And my girls will be the same way. just as I am. And you are.’
‘yeah man. That's the fucked up part about religions right now on the earth. They all think they're the right one and everyone else is wrong. its fucked up. it causes too much pain for everyone. All their rules and dogmas... its always about who’s right and who’s wrong. and next thing you know, someone's getting murdered or locked in prison or blown up. its horrible. Always has been... I just thought that our family was different...’
‘we are different Fishy. trust me on this one. I know what I'm doing.’
‘I trust you bro. its cool. I just had to say my peace.’
‘cool man. Thanks for understanding. Now please don't become a fag.’ Big laughs.

I sat there in the lukewarm water of the bath. I bowed my head. “God help me to find within myself a deep and meaningful spirituality that fulfills me completely but that is honest and real. I won't have any of the manmade stuff. you and I both know it. But we both also know that I cannot continue to live without something. show me who you are. If you are. I'm here and I'm waiting. Show me God.”

America is in the last stages of its greatness. We are witnessing the beginning of the decline of the great empire. When the rest of the world laughs at us almost as much as they once envied us. America is still a great country, despite the attempts by idiots and buffoons to ruin it. 

TOP NEWS

Schwarzenegger Buoyed by Latest Calif Poll Numbers  Wed October 1, 12:53 PM ET  By Adam Tanner  SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Arnold Schwarzenegger -- an actor and bodybuilder who never spent a day in public office -- showed increasing confidence on Wednesday that he would become California's governor in six days as a new poll showed him far in the lead. More...

What is amazing about being alive right now in the United States is just how many scandals there are everywhere. The feeling is just total chaos. You get scared to read the news. You almost expect to read about another scandal in Hollywood or Washington. If I was to propel myself into the future and then look back at what we are experiencing now in this country, it is like something exploded and its just total insanity in the air. And of course the above picture just makes it seem hilarious, like it’s a farce or something. But its not. It’s the state of our country. He seriously has a shot at becoming a governor of one of our states. I think if this really happens, perhaps it is some sign of the impending apocalypse. Just all downhill from there. Do people not understand that he is an actor? And not a civil servant? Do they even know the difference anymore? How completely different those roles are. How in one of them you expect and desire the person to be really good at making stuff up and pretending to be something that he is , = acting. And in the other position you just want someone who is super honest and who will always tell you the truth and work really hard for the people. 

I think, and we can’t be totally sure, that people are just so lost at this point when it comes to government and leadership in this country, disillusioned and ignorant of all of it, that a lot of people are just thinking “hey wouldn’t it be fucking cool if Arnold was our governor? No way! Dude!” and here's the catch: maybe they're right. I mean really, what if it really doesn’t matter who their governor is. So the guy is this really bad B movie actor. So what? What if that is what it has come down to? Do we just party hard till the great ship sinks? You look at all these pix of Arnold hamming it up in front of the cameras and you cannot help but think that the whole country is going to hell. Its almost like we are acting out some really bad movie.

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

Do you think of me as often as I think of you?

Do you dream about me as much as I dream of you?

Do you secretly love me as much as I love you?

Will we ever meet?

Last screening: The story of Archimedes, the Greek mathematician. Discovered the mathematical formula for Pi. And a lot of other important discoveries. When he discovered how to measure volume through liquid displacement he jumped out of his tub and ran naked through the streets. Classic. Now this is what I'm talking about. Pretty soon Rome takes over Greece and soon after the wicked catholic church takes over Rome and the rest of the world. The dark ages soon begin (but when will they end?) and soon things like math and science are completely outlawed to the point after a few centuries they are entirely forgotten about. This is for real. This really happened. They called it the age of “faith.” faith in what? Only God knows. Hehe. So in case we needed any more proof that religion is purely evil and dangerous and not good for us here's a classic. In the twelfth century some monk was writing “prayers” and ran out of parchment, (again this really happened) and so he just started grabbing old science texts they had laying around their church there. and since they didn't know or care anything about science because they had decided that God did everything and we didn't need to do anything ourselves but pray and pay enormous taxes to the various churches who controlled everything, (and of course that's what really matters, because after all the churches we were told have a direct line with the big man upstairs, and isn't that what counts? Getting in good with God so when you die you can go to heaven. Why worry about your happiness while you are alive? Or your sanity or your bank account or math or science or anything really, when what really counts is being happy after you die. Right?)

O.K. so this monk just grabbed the entire Archimedes Manuscripts—seventy years worth of scientific research and investigation by the most brilliant mathematician we have ever had in our history—and cut in half, then folded each half in half, and then tried to scrub away all the text, and then proceeded to write prayers over all the pages. He didn't even know who Archimedes was. He was just doing his job. And this my friends is some tragic shit. And a good lesson for all. Finally a few years ago the manuscripts were discovered and sold at an auction for 2 million and now they are researching them through computers and all that. The amazing thing is that now scientists who are conducting the research are reporting that he was so far ahead of his time that if we would have had these manuscripts we would have landed on the moon hundreds of years earlier and on mars and we would have accomplished many other feats that we are still working on today but haven't figured out how to do yet. But he had already figured a lot them out. as always, we offer our eternal gratitude to the great catholic church... 

Came home to a beautifully decorated house with the smell of homemade cookies baking and the sights and sounds of Christmas and family everywhere. Really cold in AZ right now for some reason. People here are so friendly you think you’ve walked onto a movie set from the fifties. 

I have heard so many of: "excuse me, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, pardon me, hello, how are you," since I have been here. It’s been great. People actually smile and look you in the eye. Like so many other places all over America, but Miami. I think maybe it's just Miami. Here I have to keep reminding myself that it is O.K. 

To look people in the eye and smile. In Miami you have to keep reminding yourself not to. Really in all of South Florida, not just Miami. There seems to be such a strong cloud of rudeness and indifference there. Some people claim it's because of the seasons and how they never change. Other people say it's because there are so few Americans left there now, it's mostly South Americans and Caribbean’s and maybe it's a language barrier. Maybe it's the lack of natural beauty, like mountains, valleys, wide open spaces, streams, rivers, or trees that change color. I don't know what it is. It is like some kind of a ‘too cool’ mentality that sucks people in after they live there for a while. And you totally forget that you live in it until you travel to other parts of America and everyone starts acting so friendly. 

At first you are just taken aback, like why the hell is everyone so damn friendly around here. Till you hit the next city and they act the same way and you start realizing it's just Miami itself. Bas asked me the other day right before I left, "hey Fishy do you think that Miami is ruining us? With its unfriendliness and rudeness do you think it's like maybe going to ruin us and we won't be able to go back to the way we used to be when we leave?” I answered him, “I don't know bro. I really don't know.” That question broke my heart, knowing that he came from Vermont, one of the friendliest places in America. 

Woke up this morning firmly committed to finding and deciding on and starting to plan to move to the new place I will call home. I didn't feel LA as much as I wanted to so I don't think it will be there yet, so it looks like it’ll be New York. People always say a lot about New York but I have always found it be a very friendly place. Tough, but friendly. There is such an excitement in the air that people cannot help but be friendly.