Depressed today. from no money. can’t shake it. being broke can very much can affect how you feel. working very hard. Looking for an opening somewhere... some point one of these many projects is going to pay off. And then bam, like a rocket to the moon. I've been here before and I've been to the top a few times. so I know this state very well. know not to take it too seriously. but man, I hate running out of clean underwear. That's not the worst. The worst is not being able to buy food for a few days. living on protein shakes and soup and coffee for three days. and also, having to walk forty blocks in the middle of the night with your fucking 20 pound briefcase over your shoulder because you don't have any subway or cab money. that's the worst. But not having underwear for a week... that's not easy...

But French is going well. still a bitch. But getting there. I just struggle through it everyday and try to enjoy it, my mind struggles hard to keep up.... keeping my eye on the prize, that one day it will all seem easy and no problem and the language will flow out of my mouth like any other.... if only they didn't speak with their mouths closed the whole fucking time. they have like three fucking vowel sounds in their whole language so its impossible to understand what the hell they are ever saying...

I'll tell you, I think its something that you're just born with, but I get so much out of learning new languages. Its just a huge passion of mine. Imagine being at the point where you have studied and are semi-fluent in all four major Latin languages (forget Romanian – not practical so that one’s out – although the Romanian women are fucking unbelievably beautiful.) I've got three of them down now good enough to get by, and then moving on to Hebrew (have to; one of the most important people on the planet for some reason, God’s chosen people if you will, so I feel a strong calling to that one next), and then eventually sliding into an Asian language. For fun and also because they're becoming so prominent in the world now and in America as well. Either Chinese or Japanese I figure after Hebrew. (Probably Chinese since it looks as though they will soon own America since they already own more American treasury bonds than any other country in the world.) So by the time you're say forty years old you're just like this cosmopolitan motherfucking international man of mystery like no other and can communicate with peeps from all over the world. That's where I'm headed if I keep at it. I joke that if I never make it at anything else I can always become an interpreter. Or if a world war ever breaks out at least I know I'll get an office job and not be on the battlefield. Me on the battlefield, now that's a funny thought...
“Shoot him.”
“I'm not going to shoot him. you shoot him.”
“Fishy shoot him. he's headed right towards you.”
“So what? I'm not taking that karma on my soul man. You fucking shoot him.”
“Fishy shoot goddamn it!”
“Listen man, I'm not afraid of my next life. I'm looking forward to it. let him shoot me and I'll cruise up into the cosmos for a while and check shit out from up there. you shoot him if you want to. I'm getting the fuck out of here...”
One observation on languages: once you learn a language you do not forget it. its there. lodged in the old noggin I notice. What you do lose first is your ability to speak it effectively, but if you read it or listen to music in that language you notice that you can still understand it. You know what's being said. So the comprehension is still there. Just not the ability to speak it as smoothly. One would just need to re-immerse into it and practice the speaking of it to get the vocab back on the tongue. This is a good thing.

And have I mentioned yet today that the iPod is the greatest thing in the world and has totally revolutionized my life? well I'll say it again. I will never mind walking or exercising or taking the subway again. the ipod makes life a fucking living breathing exciting movie. With your own unique soundtrack.

One thing I do notice lately is that I get the idea for something and then it appears, faster than ever before. its like instant manifestation lately... like with the new company playersearch.com, I got the idea that I wanted to pursue that again and then the same day an investor called. Wanted some songs from the new CD remixed in a cool dance style and met this guy last night who was totally into the idea and begging to send him tracks. Thought about how cool it would be to have a new article that kind of summed everything up about me, rather than just about me as  the singer in transcendence, you know, like I was picturing this sort of in depth article summing me all up... just not me as the singer in the band, but about everything that I am and everything that I do, a more holistic overview of who I am at this stage... man you know so I could chill for a while, take it easy... but still have that out there doing its thing... not sure how to explain it, but a kind of up to the minute summarization of where I am at this point... and I swear to God, this was just a thought, just a flash in the mind... and then the next day I get this call from the nyu student writing a paper about me. so that's magic at play in the universe. So now I can chill so to speak, breathe out. Lean back and let it go. good things. instant manifestation. Very good things.
The girl is hot by the way. Has this certain sexy-hippie je ne se pas quoi. Very smart and well read and traveled, which is always sexy. The thing about journalists is that you can never be sure about them till you read their final article. So you can’t sleep with them. you can’t even think about it. You know, even if you're digging them, you still have to keep your distance and watch what you say, which is hard for me, really hard, because anything you could say they could quote, and with me I never fucking know what I'm going to say. Plus, they could be acting all nice and sexy and all and then bam! You read that article and they make you out to be some kind of fucking anti-Christ and you realize they were just buttering you up to get you to open up with this whole other agenda going. whatever. we’re having fun. Connecting. Exploring. It’s good times.

This is a disclaimer on the DELL Computers site. check it out:
By clicking I agree, you are acknowledging that you are responsible for complying with all trade regulations and laws both foreign and domestic and agreeing that you will not use or otherwise export or reexport, directly or indirectly, this Technology or underlying information or technology except as authorized by United States law and the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Technology was obtained. In particular, but without limitation, the Technology may not be exported or reexported, directly or indirectly, (i) into (or to a national or resident of) any U.S. embargoed country, including without limitation Afghanistan, Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Sudan or Syria or (ii) to anyone on the U.S. Treasury Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals or the U.S. Department of Commerce's Table of Denial Orders or (iii) for any end-use that is prohibited by United States law and the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Technology was obtained. By downloading and/or using the Technology, you represent and warrant that you are not located in, under control of, or a national or resident of any such country or on any such list and that no U.S. federal agency has suspended, revoked, or denied your export privileges. In addition, you affirm that you understand that any Technology of any level could be subject to export controls under United States law and the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Technology was obtained and that you may not be able to export or re-export the Technology without prior clearance from such relevant governmental agencies.

Imagine living in a country where you can’t even own a damn computer because America won't sell one to you. now that's got to be one scary place to live. if your government is so bad that united states law prevents you from purchasing our computers or software... uh oh. You probably have more important things to worry about than buying that computer.

Speaking of this, I got a letter from Princess Little Tree this morning. She is home and safe, but very frightened for her family members who are still in Iran.

Dearest Fishy, I am home and missing you. I love our mini-rendez vous, even if they are brief. Check this article out .... gosh ... my heart is beating so fast with worry right now ... I didn't hear Bush's state of the union address on Wed. but the comment he has made about Iran  ''the world's primary state sponsor of terror.'' .... scares the heck out of me ... for god's sake, I hope he doesn't do the same foolish thing he did with Iraq .... all my family is there .... oh my god .... I am so scared right now for everyone...

http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20050203063609990003

Evidently they have taken president bush’s recent proclamations pretty serious over there and really getting their feathers ruffled. and Princess Little Tree still has a lot of relatives living there. news items about things like us attacking Iran can seem pretty remote and removed from our consciousness here in America until you know someone who lives there. [our generation especially, we grew up taking it for granted that we invade other small countries all the time [we won't be invading china anytime soon no matter what they do to their people or how communist they are... from my limited understanding of the matter we only seem to invade countries that one, are much smaller than us, and two, have something to offer us in terms of natural resources or monetary gain, or three, seem to be an imminent threat to our security]. We will never liberate the Chinese people because it would be impossible... they are just too big. And they fucking make everything we use in this country... I can only imagine what their government thinks of us now...

As a people, we don't even think about it. that's government stuff. not people stuff. I think we pretty much just get used to tuning it out from a very young age. We never think about what it really means or who these people are that we are attacking and killing because it isn't happening on our soil. TV still works. check. Dominoes still delivering? Check. Electric’s on. Check. O.k. so yeah just change the channel man. I'm sick of seeing all this war shit.... so we tune it out. that's that. then it’s a whole different vibe you get. as passionate as I have been against the attack of Iraq, I don't know any Iraqis, but Little Tree is different... she's almost my blood at this point... I hope bush knows what the hell he is doing. The guys like a peacock with a cowboy hat. A cowboy peacock. I just hope that he doesn’t go all the way and stir up a bees nest that he can’t control. God help us all right now.

Current spin: Nelly, suit. GREAT! This is an amazing album.