I'm not sure if everyone is like this. but for me, I just don't know if I will ever get over that underlying nagging lonely feeling that can accompany you ever so subtly when you are, well, all alone in the world, until I am actually married with children... makes me think of the Stallion. I don't know why exactly but I believe it may be just because when we first met and started dating she too expressed a strong desire to settle down and partner up with someone. I do not forget that day at the beach when she whined (understandably so) ‘I'm tired of being alone. Of doing everything alone. I want to have a partner...’ I felt for her that day. and as time has passed for me without finding my soulmate, wife, partner in future crime, I can relate more readily with her sentiments. I pray that one day she will find someone who will love her and cherish her forever. I love her very much and know what an amazing catch she is. she deserves it.

The single life is a grand thing. it is true that if you're a guy it can be a great thing because you can taste the fruits of all the different countries of the world and that's a wondrous thing. I will never regret my single years. and I am sure when I am older and married for years and years and years and made love to my wife in every position known to man in every room in our house and our in-laws house that I will look back at these single years as something to be cherished and remembered fondly. But for the life of me I cannot shake this uncontrollable desire to partner up and begin nesting and family building with my one true love, wherever she is, whoever she is.

I am reading a collection of essays by Kevin smith, silent bob for those in the know, and it gives me hope because this guy is NUTS, and I figure if he can find a woman who loves him and accepts him with how crazy he is, then I have nothing to worry about.

Good times last night. hanging with TomCat, who now wants to be called something like Thomaso, Lil Sis (this was her idea, but says she's not committing to it so it may change), and one of her friends from school, a cat named Bret who works for Brooks Brothers as a tailor. Tom cat is obsessed with Asian women. I had never had a thing for Asian girls myself. They are certainly the current leaders in fashion now. the Asians are really stretching it. their eye is impeccable. Their fashion sense is out of this world. they are leading the pack right now. if urban culture once lead the pack in fashion, which they certainly did at one time, and still do to many, the Asians are going to revolutionize fashion soon. its happening now.

but still it was never my thing. tom cat spoke about his time in Korea as an English teacher and we all listened intently, learning a lot about what he calls that special something that is inbred in them over thousands of years that American women could never possess, in the way they know how to treat a man like a king. He speaks of them as some men speak about good cigars or fine wine or expensive cars. A gleam in his eye.

Speaking about when you're in a cell phone conversation and it gets cut off or someone never receives your email or your voicemail.... She tells me, “there's so many unfinished sentences out there in cyberspace from me to you... one of these days we’re going to be up there, out there, looking at them all... it’s a story in itself.” I will make this a song.

The divorce still rages in my apt/townhouse here on the very posh and quaint upper east side. The family above me constantly fighting screaming yelling throwing things slamming doors, all of them suffering. I try not to get involved but have a good friendship with all of them, especially the eight and twelve year old boys. They come over when they want to. just knock on the door. Manhattan is so funny like that. the square footage of this entire townhouse is about the size of the house I just sold in Miami. and yet here there are four families living here. each of the apts only about 400 to 800 sq ft. funny huh. Perspectives. Anyway, the boys come downstairs and let themselves in or knock till I let them in. ‘o.k. listen,’ I tell the younger brother, ‘if you knock and I don't answer and then you knock again and I don't answer, do you know what that means?’ ‘it means you're not home...’ ‘right. it means I'm not home.’ ‘but sometimes you are home and you still don't answer.’ ‘well yes. that's true. but if you knock and I don't answer, and you think I'm home, that means that I'm either sleeping, taking a shower, using the bathroom, or I'm hanging with a beautiful girl, right?’ he blushes. ‘and so in any of those cases, you just have to pretend I'm not home, you dig what I'm saying?’ ‘o.k.’ he answers and then rushes into the apt...

When I am home and I answer we have good times. we all sit around and play the guitar, or I write while the older one plays me his newest songs he's written while the younger one jumps up and down on my bed or the couch, a privilege he is probably not allowed at home. then we eat cereal till we’re stuffed and watch concert DVDs and I try to explain how the divorce will soon be over and everything will be fine.

Their divorce mirrors my own break up with Cleopatra, which unbelievably still lingers after over four years now. but luckily we are very much near the end now. I never should have allowed the things I did and know that now. hindsight is always 20/20 of course. once a Princess always a Princess I suppose I thought and so I thought it was my duty to kind of let the little Princess do whatever she wanted to, no matter how much it damaged me or compromised my life or her integrity. It took me a long time to understand that I was not serving either of us by just being unconditional. Harry palmer wrote somewhere that ‘you should never flow love to someone who is attacking you.’ it took me so long to get that. we just assume that being enlightened and spiritual means letting people walk all over you. but it doesn’t. One thing I do get out of this divorce the people upstairs are enduring is that it makes my situation with Cleopatra seem so much easier and less charged. Takes my attention off of it.

Sometimes late at night when she is tired Princess Little Tree cries because she is overwhelmed by a feeling of uncontrollable loneliness, as if she is all alone in the world and has no one. I cannot speak logic to her. she just needs to cry it out. I understand. Sometimes I am overcome by this feeling myself. It is easy to let yourself feel abandoned and betrayed by people when we have given our all and more and then they disappear or betray us in some way. it is never easy to handle this. it will always be a challenge I am sure. My dearest brother and compatriot Bas almost refuses to speak with me now till all the business between Cleo and I is worked out because he says it is easier for him. for me it is very sad, hurts a lot. I obsess on it at times and find it difficult to focus on work. I don't blame him but I blame him. so to speak. How do we know when to give our love? How do we know if something is going to last forever? if we are o.k. in giving our love and commitment and friendship and loyalty to another? Is it only for reciprocation? For mutual benefit? Or can we rise above that and just do it unconditionally? I guess that's where I am now... wondering if I man enough to do that... and move on.

I'll tell you, this is the year where Fishy grows into a man. After all these years, who would have known? at least he is seeing that manhood is upon him. whether or not he will rise to the occasion is another story. That is the question to the story isn't it?

It has been a perilous journey. I have lost a few battles the last three years. mainly with my higher self. feeling like a fighter who's got the wind knocked out of him sometimes. Waking up days or weeks or months later and trying to remember what happened... Made a few mistakes along the way. but I'm slowly rebuilding. Shaking old habits and rekindling old friendships.

In the studio today with the poet. first session for the two new albums. Recorded four songs for the Girls album, Summer says, Verena, Kathy, Indian Princess. And one song for the Cinematique album, which has no name yet; maybe After tomorrow. the rest of the songs we’ll do with Infinito. Me and Bloopy talking tonight on the phone. Transcendence is turning into something very cool. the whole way we have all these different players, like this core group of players that make it what it is. I would love to tour with like all eight guys at once. That would be awesome for all of us and for the fans.

The Girls album is something that so far only I seem to like the idea of. Bas says I am going to slammed for. He's like, ‘you can do it man. Just don't do it. it’s a bad idea. A whole album about girls? With girls names? Horrible! It will be the end of your career.’ ‘Bro, I don't have much of a career yet. I can pretty much do whatever I want to at this point. Hehe.’ In the short term it may at first come off kind of pretentious or contrived, but the idea actually came from a talk with Bloopy about putting out a girls compilation CD of all the songs from our various CDs that have girls names. Which is a still a good idea, but then I started leafing through all the song notebooks and realizing that there were still tons of songs I had already written with girls names that hadn't been recorded yet. and that would make a cool album all on its own. more than an albums worth actually. So its not contrived at all, but just conceptual. Its not like we’re sitting around writing a bunch of songs about girls. These are just the orphan songs that never made it to albums. So its cool. and the cool thing, although I'll probably be the only one who thinks this is cool, is that all the songs are from different periods of my life so each song is a totally different style. I'll love it. But I may be the only one. anyway, as much as the other guys don't like it, I am hoping I can get them to humor me long enough to get it recorded. Just a bunch of one off songs. Just honoring what's there. I love songs and I love songwriting. It is the ultimate indulgence.

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It’s this nagging loneliness that is always looming there in the back of your mind.... its like a feeling of emptiness, or not-wholeness... I wonder if it is real—is it instinctivelyinstinctually there? Or is it trained? Just something that is ingrained in us since we were young. Either way, I feel it. Everyone seems to.

A lot of the pain over the last two years since I've been single—the trail of broken hearts as my friends tease me about, its just because you know when people are single, as I've been learning they really are looking for someone, really hoping to find a Mr. or Mrs. Right. And when you meet someone and you have this amazing time with them and everything seems great, but then maybe that person calls it off, it does hurt. And the tendency is to blame that person for hurting you. But deeper than that, its that we just feel so goddamn upset that they don't like us. So we get mad. Its like this what the fuck is wrong with me thing. And you know I never meant to hurt anyone. And I know that no one meant to hurt me. That one time the first girl I dated once me and Cleopatra broke up Kelli, and we went out for a while and then I find out one night she’s seeing her boss out on a date with this guy. And I was surprised you know. I told my boys. Man I'm so hurt I say. And they say get used to it. Welcome to being single bro. You'll bounce back. but I never faulted kell, cause she obviously liked this guy more than me even though we really hit it off. Six months later they were married. So who’s to say? She and I became friends pretty soon after that night. I started giving her tips how to play it with the guy you know. I couldn’t really be mad. I mean who’s to fucking say who someone is going to like. Its just a roll of the dice. Or more than that, its some kind of destiny. You can’t blame someone for not liking you and vice versa. I hate when girls get mad at me for not liking them. and I'm sure they feel the same way about guys, when guys won't stop calling them. I understand their pain, cause I've felt it, but it still hurts when they blame you for something you really can’t help. Cause after I am with a girl I want to keep knowing them and hanging with them anyway. I hate that whole attitude ‘well if we’re not going to go out then I don't care if were friends or not.’ That's a great way to know that you made the right decision when you break up with a girl, if she gives you that line.

Last Movie:  looking for an echo. This was a great movie. I think I'm going to get into doo wop now after seeing this movie.

Current Spin: alanis morrisette, supposed infatuation...