Quick because I’m tired. and I'm working on other stuff. its midnight. Movie with Tuesday. Lil Sis changed her name to Tuesday. I like the new one better too. Kamran from San Fran is making the most killer remixes of our shit from the NIC album. They are effing awesome. will post to the homepage. The war still rages with Cleopatra. spoke with Bas today for the first time in weeks. good talk. A little bit distant but hopefully we are getting there. I have learned that friendships along with family and our relationship with some higher power could just be the most important thing in the universe, at least to us, here, now. I have learned that we have to cherish our friendships and that means watching what we say and do in regards to our relationships. We can’t just go shooting our mouth off whenever and however we want to. as a man that's a hard lesson to get with my temper, but I got it loud and clear. if I do ever win back my friendships with Bas and Ferret I will be blessed and thankful and will have learned some very important world lessons.

I went to that church again today. spent an hour or so talking to the minister there. just he and I. intimate. Personal. Good stuff. I love Sundays for this. just communing with our idea of God and with friends and family. quiet time. nap time. relaxing and regrouping time. can’t describe in words what this new found relationship with this higher power feels like. Really came out of the blue. Feels like heaven. Came at the perfect time. I've been going to sleep every night in this deep state of oneness with this sense of God, firmly rooted in it and bonding with it, embracing the mystery, loving the alien as bowie says,

So many girls I wanna make love with all the time all around me but still maintaining the status quo and trying to act like a gentleman.  man that's a strange one, let me tell you. two voices at play in the brain at all times. There's the ‘man I would love to kiss her, make love with her...’ and then there's that other one.... like Mel Gibson in Braveheart... “wait. Wait. Wait....” only I'm still waiting for the “NOW!!!” so I just hold back and don't do anything, knowing already from the past what the consequences could be. so I wait. But as a man it isn't easy. the woman upstairs is always falling in front of me so I can catch her. or reaching up high for things to offer a sneak preview, you know, but I play it cool. women when they’re that age, early fifties, forget about it, they know all the moves, know what they want, and know how to please. That's a Ferrari right there, made to be driven fast.  Only thing is that I've already bonded with her kids. I'm like an older brother to them.
today I took my main man T, who is all of twelve years old, to see that movie Rock School. We love hanging out. I can just see him finding out and yelling at me, “I can’t believe you did my mom!” “sorry bro, that's rock and roll.” and then he's like “AND my goddamn babysitter?! You did my babysitter too?!” “Bro c'mon, that's rock and roll.” Yeah that's the thing, his babysitter, forget about it. everytime we see each other, you know you can feel that kind of thing, and if you can’t, take the hint that she wants to shake your hand or kiss you every time you meet. And the Korean  girl upstairs. Written about her before. every night she comes home a little tipsy, big corporate job in finances or something. we bump into one another now and then. I preach to her about becoming conscious (she thinks that she should vote republican because they are “pro-business” and I keep trying to get her to understand that people actually matter. And that indeed they may matter more than business... That she can make a difference in the world, even though she persists in telling me that “it is all just personal opinion and there are no facts,” and honestly its in those moments that I cannot force myself to want to make love with her, even though I would love to rack up Korea on my bedpost but how the hell can you feel attraction to a person who says something like that? that who you vote for is personal opinion because the issues are subjective and there are no facts.... I could never get aroused by a person who thinks that way.

crazy and sad and silly and pathetic and exactly why we lost the election and why the country is in such a sorry and sad state right now, because of misconceptions like that and now even people like her are walking around afraid to admit who they voted for (she tells me “I didn't vote for Bush, I voted for the republicans). And so sure it would be great to verify that supposed fact about the pubic hairs of Asians being straight and not curly, and with her living upstairs and all, well you get the picture, it could be a good broom to keep in the closet on those rainy nights when you feel like doing a little cleaning; just to get china especially since they're still communist and all --- it would be great to say you did a real communist. but no I just can’t look at her in that way now that I heard her say those things and who voted republican... all I can do is feel sorry for her and try to help wake her up while I'm still in this neighborhood.

A few others and you get the picture, that's the way it should be, when you're young and kicking butt and got it going, women want to be with you. I mean that's just the way it is, and for a long time I enjoyed it, but now, well now, man I spend more time deflecting girls than entertaining them and more than anything that's just I think due to the fact that I don't want to for real meet my wife, like come face to face with her one day out of the blue and still be a player, you know? I just don't want to put her through that, nor put myself through that.... and then not be able to hang out with her and anyone I know because everyone I know I've slept with. You know? I mean, lets face it, that's where we already are now, her wedding guest list will prob be family and family friends and mine will be all chicks I've slept with and am now friends with. And that would suck for anyone. I have to make friends with chicks I'm not going to sleep with so my wife feels comfortable at our wedding. Good plan. Make friends with unattractive women. LOL! So for the last year or so I have attempted to put all that behind me and really be there in the moment waiting for her, being real, being a good guy and any new girls I make friends with I don't sleep with. So that way when she asks that inevitable question as all women do about every girl you introduce them to “so did you sleep with her too?” I can answer “no” for a few of them. and really you know, be telling the truth. that’ll make us both feel good. but still, its not easy. as men, we’re built to drive fast. that's why they make Ferraris.

Cause we like to drive fast and climb every mountain and all that. and women, women in general, they're like the mount Everest of consciousness. A few of us attempt to climb that baby. Most men stay away its true. they get it wet a few times and they love it as we all do, and get rejected a lot more times and so they're married pretty quickly into their twenties or thirties and the rest of their lives they spend fantasizing about climbing that mountain. But some of us, we just ride it hard and fast full on as long as we can. for the life of me I cannot figure out why the hell I am all of a sudden starting to not feel good about it. [reality check: I swear to God this is so weird: I am sitting here typing on the steps outside in front of my apartment and this girl just came up to me who had lost her keys and by the time we were done speaking she asked me if I wanted to go have a drink. Now this girl was hot. Great breasts. Truly remarkable. pretty face. and I just said no because I wasn't feeling the wife vibe from her. you know, just not feeling it. she said she was into real estate development. I would rather my wife be like into saving the rainforests or helping kids or something. like I would rather sit here and type than hang with her. totally fucking crazy. and that's what I'm saying. how does this happen to a man? When did this start? How fucking ironic that just happened while I was typing all of this. and even weirder that its really true. man I really think I've lost the player in me.]

I mean, if its just some chick you'll never see again and you're both cool with that, that's one thing. don't see any harm in that... [well except that it’s a waste of time and there are real things to do besides banging people you aren't ever going to see again.] but girls are people. you know. that's the thing. they are people too, just like us (and if I were a girl I would be saying ‘men are people too, just like us...” so you know, you have to respect that. and respect that you can’t just make love to every girl that you want to just because you want to because there are repercussions to that. there’s going to be an effect to that cause. And oftentimes its not such a good effect if you're just out for an experience. People have feelings. I know I know. how does it take someone so long to realize that... but you know, I am where I am. I'm realizing that. and as difficult as it is to keep things in check, it feels good. feels like the right thing to do. it just doesn’t feel easy to do when it is so easy to find yourself making love to beautiful women all the time. when does a man reach that point when enough is enough? When he just feels like alright well that was fun. lets move on from that now.... i guess to answer my own question, I'm there now. I smile now. I really think I'm there. o.k. quick, lets review the list. Chicks I have to make love with before I settle down and get married: hot little Asian hottie. Make that two at once. And they have to talk in that broken English Asian accent. big breasted blond Russian in a nurses uniform. Hotel maid in a hot short skirted maid’s uniform. And she has to have a feather duster or a vacuum cleaner in her hand. Hot young chick dressed up in a school girls outfit. Make that two of them. at once. Hot young chick, make that 2, at least 2, in a cheerleaders outfit. Pom poms and all. hot young did I leave any out? well, a really big beautiful fat girl would be fun. like super huge. Those are always fun.  o.k. so here's the plan. This week I will go for the hot little Asians. There is this neighborhood called little Korea on the Westside and I hear the chicks are really easy for American guys. I'll get that out of the way first. I'll keep you posted dear diary.

Last screening: crash. Some good writing and some bad writing. Good movie. Matt Dillon is always good but I'd love to see him get back to leading man status.