Quick because I’m tired. and I'm working on other stuff. its midnight. Movie with Tuesday. Lil Sis changed her name to Tuesday. I like the new one better too. Kamran from San Fran is making the most killer remixes of our shit from the NIC album. They are effing awesome. will post to the homepage. The war still rages with Cleopatra. spoke with Bas today for the first time in weeks. good talk. A little bit distant but hopefully we are getting there. I have learned that friendships along with family and our relationship with some higher power could just be the most important thing in the universe, at least to us, here, now. I have learned that we have to cherish our friendships and that means watching what we say and do in regards to our relationships. We can’t just go shooting our mouth off whenever and however we want to. as a man that's a hard lesson to get with my temper, but I got it loud and clear. if I do ever win back my friendships with Bas and Ferret I will be blessed and thankful and will have learned some very important world lessons.

I went to that church again today. spent an hour or so talking to the minister there. just he and I. intimate. Personal. Good stuff. I love Sundays for this. just communing with our idea of God and with friends and family. quiet time. nap time. relaxing and regrouping time. can’t describe in words what this new found relationship with this higher power feels like. Really came out of the blue. Feels like heaven. Came at the perfect time. I've been going to sleep every night in this deep state of oneness with this sense of God, firmly rooted in it and bonding with it, embracing the mystery, loving the alien as bowie says,

So many girls I wanna make love with all the time all around me but still maintaining the status quo and trying to act like a gentleman.  man that's a strange one, let me tell you. two voices at play in the brain at all times. There's the ‘man I would love to kiss her, make love with her...’ and then there's that other one.... like Mel Gibson in Braveheart... “wait. Wait. Wait....” only I'm still waiting for the “NOW!!!” so I just hold back and don't do anything, knowing already from the past what the consequences could be. so I wait. But as a man it isn't easy. the woman upstairs is always falling in front of me so I can catch her. or reaching up high for things to offer a sneak preview, you know, but I play it cool. women when they’re that age, early fifties, forget about it, they know all the moves, know what they want, and know how to please. That's a Ferrari right there, made to be driven fast.  Only thing is that I've already bonded with her kids. I'm like an older brother to them.

For a few days my laptop which I carry everywhere as if one of my very limbs had been acting up. instead of going into hibernate when I would be traveling, it would just shut off.  I would lose track of everything I was working on at the time. normally I never turn it off. Leave it running for weeks and months at a time. hit the road and it hibernates. Bring her back to life and I'm back up and running. But not lately. Frankly I think it was all the up and down the hills on that scooter in San fran, or just a abnormally shitty laptop because this is the third motherboard I've had on this baby in less than a year. anyway, two days ago its running very slowly, I control alt delete and notice that the cpu is running at 95% doing absolutely nothing. Uh oh. A few seconds later a get the dreaded blue screen. Uh oh. I reboot and nothing. Doesn’t power up. a light here or there but nothing. Doesn’t power up. nothing. Call tech support and it looks like the worst (not really the worst because honestly these things are essentially worthless boxes of plastic and metal save for the hard drive. The hard drive IS the machine itself. The hard drive is truly at this point one of our very limbs. The rest is just replaceable machinery). But still, prognosis being that the motherboard is bad again. fine. I'm out of the laptop for 48 hours. Wow. 48 hours without email Internet outlook or being able to write in any form. Like being lost in space with no contact with the real world... which of course is ludicrous but precisely how it feels. But I took it as a sign that I should get to work more on the television show and actually complete the project and depend less on the laptop, on the computer itself. And I did. I had a marvelous day yesterday knowing that I had no access to a computer. It was great. So I'm back up now and writing for the first time in two days. feels good though. [found a solution, besides of course always backing up to an external hard drive which I do everyday now anyway, two of them actually, because I'm fucking paranoid, but dell said I could get the same model and just keep it as a spare. Not use it, and if one laptop goes bad you just take out the hard drive and put it in the other one and you won't even notice the difference. Of course this is an expensive solution, but a worthy one I would think.

Francis came up from Miami for business here in the city and we spent some time together the last two nights. A tragic figure she has turned into. will pen something about her called the Francis Tragedy. She drinks way too much and still depends on anti-depressants. We got into a mild argument in a cab on the way to dinner and on our way home from dinner. But we have slept together of course, years and years ago, and so our fights are acceptable to us I suppose and just part of the brother sister dynamic that we’re lucky to have with our closest friends of the opposite sex. friends are not easy to keep long term. At least that's one belief. So we cherish it and take our heated exchanges in stride. I'm telling her I care about her and she should look into some kind of alternative means of exploring how she is these days rather than just traditional medicine and doctors and maybe venture off into Avatar or some other course to really create happiness for herself.... she starts yelling at me in this cab and I'm a little buzzed from a few glasses of sangria so I'm not really being affected by it too much. But then she attacks me further and says that my life is a mess but I don't see it because I live in a dream world... she says that I am an embellisher... you think I'm an embellsher? I respond in a very Seinfeld manner and it forces her to laugh... but she continues because she is drunk. you're so creative and fun loving but you’re not happy either Fishy. she tells me. you're all pretense... at first I argue. But then I am quiet.

I stare out the window. There is a message here. in fact, what more do I hate about myself than this. if there is anything wrong with me still after all these years of processing and exploring it is this. and I know it. there it was placed before me at my feet. Yes it is true I am thinking. I am full of pretense. So much so that I cannot even stand to hear myself speak sometimes. She was right. there is a lot of pretense there. and for some, pretense is a-o.k. yes. in fact in our celebrities both in music and Hollywood we accept the pretense. We love the pretense. So for all my life I just always thought it was part of it. part of who I was. of course I am full of pretense I am thinking. that's my job. Unfortunately that's just part of being me with what I do. but that didn't sit right with me for too long. maybe an hour or so and then I didn't feel satisfied with that answer. I knew it was bullshit. I knew I was bullshitting myself just as I bullshit myself and others about almost everything. and then I tell myself that that's just part of the job...

Slept next to the artisan for three nights. But we didn't fool around at all since now we are ‘just friends.’ Fun. And challenging. But easy. I can’t believe its over now and we did it. how cool. A three day ski vacation together as just friends. And it was no problem. o.k. well besides the fact that I was pretty much hard for three days straight. But that was the fun part. The artisan reminded me that “fishy, sexual tension can be a good thing babe.” Easier for her to say of course. My mind was racing at the thought of her pale white skin and more... so half the time I couldn’t even sleep. But I love her as a friend and she had just met this really great guy that she thought ‘just might be the one.’ So I resisted it, better put, I discredited the desire. Really respecting those boundaries and not going beyond them at all. and we had the time to just sit and talk all about sex and stuff, like girl talk. We took the time to test our friendship so to speak. To let loose with it and see if there was really friendship there. 

We got to share with one another a lot of girl and guy secrets that you don't normally share with someone you are seeing, but only with a “girl friend.” I asked her, as a girl, which phrase she prefers the most from a guy, ‘beat off, jerk off, do yourself, play with yourself, masturbate, etc...’  definitely not ‘beat your meat’ she says. ‘that's just gross!’ HAHA. ‘masturbate or do yourself are perfectly fine if you must talk about those things’ the desert princess says. And then I answered questions for her from a guy’s perspective (“why do you guys have to ‘do yourselves’ so much?! I mean everyday?!!!” “Well I don't know really. If its there, do it....). very funny. It was cool.  I told her just think of me now as one of your girlfriends. And don't hold back. We can share make up and stuff. tonight I helped her pick out her outfit her for a hot date tonight with a new boy. She told me that I am the poster-child for something that is now becoming mainstream called “a metro-sexual.” Basically the gay straight guy that I have always been is now becoming fashionable. Go figure. [go back in time and tell that to all the jocks in high school who used to always want to kick my ass for wearing eye makeup, LOL]

Current Spin: lots of Christmas CDs by Frank and Bing, Nat king Cole, Mariah Carey, Motown Christmas. And this new one from Sondra lerche or something. sounds like Ed Hale meets Donovan meets Beck. Hehe. 

Current read: a brief history of nearly everything by Bill Bryson. Great read! 

[the artisan is one of those people who preheats the oven before she puts the food in it. “are you one of those pre-heaters?! I ask. Told me that I must explore these types of people more in an episode on my TV show, perhaps conduct some interviews to explore this personality type. I have also discovered from my research that she makes her bed every morning when she wakes up. She calls soda, “pop”, not soda. She has never peed in the shower or bath, which I find truly disturbing. She never yanks cords out of the socket but instead bends over and pulls them out. so she's not a cord puller. And I would bet that she's one of those people that when she gets into an elevator with other people she hits the button for the floor she wants to go to even if it is already pushed in by someone else. just to make sure.]

I watched the debates tonight. I didn't think the general Clark really seemed too much like a president. Seemed like he had pretty low testosterone. He needs some serious supplementation. Maybe he was just real nervous. He sure stands for all the right stuff. We’ll just have to wait and see. One thing is for sure. There are plenty of good candidates. A lot more than I think anyone expected. Well educated well informed and well spoken men and women who seem to mean well. 

I remember that one time when I roomed with the Gardner and he said he was coming to terms with the fact that maybe he was a sex addict. He was like fifty or sixty years old and I remember looking at him like “what? What's that?” its an interesting question. What is a sex addict? What if someone does it like everyday? That's pretty normal I would think. but what if they just do it with anyone just to have sex, like Samantha on sex and the city. I guess that's a sex addict. Can we be a vegetable addict? You see what I am saying? I guess you are a sex addict if your need for sex is somehow damaging your life or the lives of others. Can this happen with vegetables? I don't know. 

The crazy Spaniard telling me before she took off that she was in desperate need to find a man fast. She wasn't used to going this long without sex. She is going crazy. Masturbating three times a day with a vibrator. If someone doesn’t hold her and make love with her soon that she feels as though she may go crazy. Welcome to the world of being single baby I said. You're not the only one. So I helped her out a few times. As a friend of course. More of an experiment. They call that friends with benefits program. And often times it works very well. For some reason Francis will not go for it anymore. I think it only works if both people are just friends. If one of them likes the other than its going to cause problems.

Remember that one time when me and the Wolf were on our way to a gig and we had the Squirrel in the back seat and we were talking about masturbating and she told us that the most she ever masturbated in one day was twelve times. The Wolf almost ran us off the road from laughing so hard. Seriously, we skipped like three lanes on the highway. We were dying with laughter... We thought she was kidding but she wasn't. That’s some serious sex addiction there. But then again, who knows? Perhaps its not. If one enjoys it, then why not? Has anyone ever sat around all day and watched movies? Is that an addiction to movie watching? So what's the difference between doing that and masturbating? I don't know the answer to that one, but twelve times in a day? Man that's crazy. Wouldn’t that just really hurt after a while?  

Current read: The disheveled dictionary by Karen Elizabeth Gordon. 

Sometimes girls will tell you that you can sleep together and you can just be friends afterwards. That they won't go psycho, it's platonic and nothing more. Think Samantha on sex in the city. That's the dream. Guys can do that. I don't know how or why but we can. Girls seem to have a problem with it even if they say everything is cool. Then they show up at your house at three in the morning. And you start worrying that you're going to find your cat boiling on the stove.