Obama or McCain - Who would you vote for?

"Fishy, just curious, who would you vote for? Obama or McCain? ES"

ES,

To elaborate further in regards to your question -- but regarding a different issue, I will reply to you with this and use it for a future blog post:

A loaded question. And certainly not one where my opinion matters too much. But in regards to the issues, I believe that it is obvious that I am much more aligned with what Obama claims to stand for than McCain. That's clear. But with Senator McCain we know he is telling the American people the truth about Iraq. And that takes a lot of courage. Especially in this climate when the occupation of Iraq is so unpopular with so many American people. Whereas with Hilary and Obama they are both either totally ignorant of our reality there (which is frightening) or they are just flat-out lying to everyone as a way to win favor with the voters in their party.

Both are promising that "when elected president I promise you that our troops will be out of Iraq within 60 days..." or "six months..." which is just utter bollocks. Firstly, they cannot make promises like that because they have no idea what the situation in Iraq is going to be like by the time they get into office. It could be better. It could be worse. It is an absolutely ridiculous and ignorant promise to make. Especially in light of the cluster-fuck that our invasion has created over there.

The invasion of Iraq and ousting of Hussein created an open vacuum there -- to the point where it is now almost an open invitation to create chaos and breed more terror all over the world. Saddam had things under control. And now he doesn’t. And the US is going to need years and years and perhaps decades to bring things under control in that region. Senator McCain is smart enough and honest enough to speak this truth to the people, despite how unpopular that message might be.

Secondly, regardless of who we hire for this "job," "presidents" just don't have that kind of power to make those kind of decisions. Anyone who knows what's going on in America knows that. Those decisions are made from much higher up. They will never have that kind of power. To pull troops from an occupied country? Or to stop a war? No. They will either be told to make that decision or not. As has been the case since Eisenhower warned us in his final speech as president, "the United States is on the brink of losing control of its governance to a multi-national military-industrial complex." It's been sixty years since that speech and the days when "presidents" of "countries" could make those kind of decisions are long gone.

Thirdly, if anyone googles "color coded map of the world's oil supplies" they will clearly see why Iraq is essential to the United States of America. Besides the safety and security issues we face if we were to leave now for ourselves and our allies in that region, we also have to face the fact that as a very large country with 300 million people who use more of the world's oil than any other country in the world today -- a whopping 25% of it -- we absolutely need control over the oil that is sitting directly underneath that "country" if we are to maintain the lifestyle and the economy that we have here now.

If we think things are bad now - with the sinking economy, housing market collapse, and rising oil prices -- wait to see what happens if we "leave Iraq" like Hilary and Obama are recommending and Iran steps into Iraq backed by the very eager countries of Russia and China - who also need that oil. We will be at the mercy of them for the next twenty to thirty years and life as we know it today will be only a memory until we can foster our resources and get to figuring out how to really create true alternative energy sources. Saudi oil alone is not enough to sustain our population.

That is why despite his almost Orwellian rightwing agenda, one can at least admire McCain for his foresight and honesty regarding Iraq. He is right - we will be in Iraq for at least the next fifty years. Period. This is what I LIKE about John McCain. He is an honest man. He is also not an entirely partisan politician, which he has proven a few times. Obama we simply just don't know well enough yet to know where he stands. And I would say that if you listen to what he has openly admitted to everyone over the last six months, he himself has confessed the same idea. He understands his weaknesses. He is very well aware of his lack of experience and track record compared to someone like John McCain.

Just about everything else about Senator John McCain's stance on policies and "the issues" I unfortunately vehemently just happen to disagree with. He's a total "righty" and I'm neither right nor left but would just prefer whoever sits in that chair to be honest and not tell fairytales to people about things they know nothing about like "pulling our troops out of Iraq." When Obama speaks like that I seriously question his knowledge and understanding of the underlying issues, or I start to wonder if he isn't just "playing politics" just like the rest of them. At least McCain has the nerve to tell it like it is.

So right now, my vote is NEITHER -- until we learn more about both of them and see what these men are truly made of.



As an aside, I will add this: while in Iran this year I had the opportunity to attend an IAEA conference (International Atomic Energy Agency). I sat at a table and ate dinner and shared drinks and conversation for hours with heads of state and members of parliament from Indonesia, Pakistan, Bahrain, and Qatar. At my table. Just us. We talked for hours. Though I mostly just listened. (After all, I'm just a singer. And the whole time I had to keep asking myself "what the fuck am I doing here?")

Now remember we were in fucking TEHRAN. In IRAN. The United States was not even INVITED. Though over 30 other countries were. And this was a freaking IAEA conference! The topic of the two day discussion was "Iran's Nuclear Energy Program." Something that all of these other countries now back. And I will tell you this, as ominous and frightening as it may be to hear: the United States is just not a popular country right now. This was no secret that night. Everyone in the room was very open about how they feel about the United States of America now. They love our people. But they absolutely loath our government. And they have for some time now. Decades really.

It appeared that these men at various different levels of power in their respective countries' governments are just "waiting it out" as American troops tire out more and more in Iraq, and Iran becomes stronger and stronger and China and Russia become more and more interested in Iran and Iraq. It was almost as if there was this 'secret' floating around the room like a butterfly that everyone could clearly see except us few Americans who were there... that region of the world is just patiently waiting for the US to fuck up in one small way or another and Iran, China, Russia, and the rest of them are going to literally turn their backs on us and give us the finger. I must say that it was one of the most haunting and frightening nights of my entire life here on planet earth.

I left that mansion on a hill in Tehran that night shaken and scared. It took me weeks to get out of bed upon my return. This is something I haven't written about yet because I just don't know how to do it.... how to present it... I don't think the American people, let alone my few friends and fans, have any idea what is happening in regards to the reputation of the United States of America. I had no idea there was such strong anti-American-government sentiment in the world today. But boy did I experience it first-hand. And it wasn't coming from rock-throwing thugs dressed in rags in third-world countries. It was coming right out of the mouths of government officials of real world Nation-States who are sick to death of what they call "American imperialism and bullying."

I'm telling you, we either need to get the hell out of Iraq and make our apologies in order to try to save our reputation -- but before we do make sure we have some solid and binding contracts with Russia, China, and Iran in regards to oil, or we need to buckle down and realize we are going to be in Iraq for the long haul. Oil my friends is the new gold and it is much much much more valuable than anyone realizes yet. To all of us.

So just what color is Barack Obama?

From: xxxxx xxxxx [mailto:xxxxxx@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, June 05, 2008 8:50 AM
To: Fishy
Subject: obama & iran

Hi Fishy,

I found this in the NYT online this morning... this must come as a shock to you... and how does your friend who works for Obama feel about that?? R things changing now that he has the nomination? (haven't had time to go investigate exactly what he said further yet, but wanted to ask you about it and if u knew, and your thoughts)

"Mr. Obama appeared before the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, where, tacking to the right, he described a far tougher series of sanctions he would be willing to impose on Iran than he had outlined heretofore."

-X-

Dear X,
So in less than 24 hours after seemingly - though not officially - winning the democratic nomination for president of the United States of America, Barack Obama stands in front of the largest pro-Israel lobby (read “bribery, extortion, and blackmail experts” for the Cliff Notes definition of “lobby” -- at least as it is practiced in the US) in the world today, AIPAC, and tells the crowd that he will impose tougher and even more stringent sanctions against Iran if they continue to enrich uranium as a means to create nuclear energy to fuel their fast-growing country. Says the New York Times, "Mr. Obama appeared before the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, where, tacking to the right, he described a far tougher series of sanctions he would be willing to impose on Iran than he had outlined heretofore."

Already starting to change colors right before our eyes? Well one isn't quite sure yet. But how utterly and typically “political” this most recent stunt has made Obama appear. He failed to have either the knowledge or the courage – right now we aren't sure which - to remind the crowd that Iran is legally entitled under international law to be working on researching nuclear energy under the Nuclear Proliferation Act – they currently have approximately one-hundred and twenty-thousand citizens employed and working at various plants around their country in this program – nor did he mention that they were given authorization from and originally purchased their nuclear energy knowledge and many materials to do so from the United States as far back as the Eisenhower administration.

How on earth can this man be talking about more sanctions against Iran and trying to stop them from enriching uranium when it is absolutely none of his business is the question that is begged to be answered here.

And also, even more questionable, is how can a man who clearly owes his rise to power to the peace-card carrying doves of the left already be making right-wing hawkish threats against a country who are clearly only growing in strength and power and in political unions all over the globe every year as the United States continues to grow weaker and less threatening to a world who is waking up to some obvious cracks in the once-great nation’s armor? Windbag rhetorical threats are the last thing any candidate needs to be showing us as we continue to interview the applicants for the job. We've already had plenty of that from the last assholes that we hired to fill the position.

Either 1, Barack is just kowtowing to AIPAC to win Jewish votes (which means he lacks integrity by not just being honest with how he really feels), or 2, he is ignorant about how ignorant it is for him to be making such statements that it is somehow the US Government’s right to try to stop another country from harnessing nuclear energy, or 3, he is just ignorant as to how arrogant and erroneous it is for one country to attempt to stop another country from harnessing nuclear energy for the betterment of their own people -- especially when all American Intelligence reports clearly show that they STOPPED working on nuclear WEAPONS research 4 years ago.

So which is it?

I have said from the beginning and I will say it again here: I lean neither left nor right but straight down the middle – I am a member of the “human being” party. You might have heard of it. It means that I care not to be placed in a box and slapped on the back with any labels but purely and simply care about all human beings on planet earth. Period. I'm too old now to believe that either party gives a shit about what they promise, nor has the power to do anything about it, before they get into office. What I am concerned with is how humane that particular job applicant appears to be. After all, the most important aspect of his job is in essence to secure another few years of our survival as a species – in this case collected under the banner of the United States. If we were in France, it would be under the banner of France. Etc ad nauseum.

Again, lest we forget the endless replies I have already given to the thousands of comments on YouTube and various other social networking sites around the world over the years accusing me of not being a “proud enough American,” one could have just as easily barraged me with such accusations during Hitler’s Germany, during Napoleon’s France, during Great Britain’s brutal fight against “colonial” India, during Nero’s Rome, or even during America’s attempted occupation of Vietnam. People still even do it today under Bush’s America, which is to say the least just plain sad.

But again for the record I will state that “nationalistic pride” is something I gave up, or grew out of, long, long ago -- as far back as my teenage years. It only took a few years of studying history to realize that it was a useless, short-sighted, and often dangerous stance. Instead, I pledge allegiance to the united state of HUMANITY. And to the safety and security of every human being on the planet today and tomorrow.

Regarding our current dilemma as to which of the two men we should hire in the short term for what in the most ideal case should be a very noble position – that being the president of our beloved company, or country, however you want to look at it, as always we are faced with the same tough issues. Neither of them we know well enough. And no single human being should be expected to fill that role perfectly. Over the last 200 years we have clearly been shown this fact, if nothing else.

At least with Senator John McCain we know he is a patriotic man. We also know that he is not entirely partisan. And we know who he is and what he stands for. He is clearly an honest man who tells us what he really believes. In the case of Iran, Mr. McCain suffers from both maladies number 2 and number 3 above. Both ignorance and arrogance. A little something called “too much nationalistic pride and jingoism” and not enough knowledge (or wisdom gained) from studying history – not quite yet realizing that number one, the USA has only been a world super-power for a few short 60 years at best, and number two, that we are very close to losing this dubious title because the rest of the world has caught up to and are well ahead of us economically, the American dollar doesn’t carry much leverage anymore, threatening to blow someone up with a nuclear weapon as a means of frightening them into submission (which used to be the USA’s big “ace in the hole” for the last fifty years) has flown out the window since we now have NINE countries with nuclear weapons including China and Russia, and the US military is stretched so thin that it is obvious that Iran isn't even frightened of the US government anymore since they continue to fund groups fighting directly against us such as Hezbollah.

The question that we should all be asking ourselves at this point is when are we going to hire someone to sit in that coveted chair (remember WE the people HIRE the president – he is nothing – absolutely nothing – but our EMPLOYEE) who is smart enough to realize that the days of stomping around the earth like giant idiot-minded dinosaurs threatening other countries to “do what they’re told” are OVER?

Obama? McCain? It all sounds the same to me if they are going to keep on making ignorant and arrogant threats against other nation-states around the world and poking their noses around where they don't belong. What we need is an applicant for this JOB that we are offering who is smart enough and understands history well enough to realize that it is DIPLOMACY not THREATS that we need in the case of Iran, and in regards to many other countries around the world at this tenuous time in our nation’s history.

As for the historical significance of Obama being the first black person to ever come this far in the race to be president of the United States, let us celebrate it surely as it is indeed a major winning event in our history and in our efforts on behalf of civil rights through the years; but once we get the celebrating out of our systems let us not forget that what we were fighting for in regards to civil rights all these years was to see BEYOND color. So the fact that Barack Obama happens to be a man of color is a non-issue now. That part of the play is over. The applause has died down and we should get back to our seats and prepare for Act II. Let us now move beyond that issue and see who the man really is. Just as we will need to do with Senator McCain.

Obama can be black, brown, white, yellow, red, or even purple as far as I'm concerned and it matters not. (He actually appears to be more of a “tan” if you ask me.) What matters is what's on the inside. Lest we forget this important fact, all we need to do is look to our fellow brothers and sisters in Africa to see plenty of black men who have failed miserably as “presidents” just as we have seen plenty of white and yellow ones do the same through the years.

Hope? Sure. I've got hope. I've got hope that one day we will meet a man, or a woman, who wants this job and actually walks their talk and doesn’t just talk it. I've got hope that one day a man such as Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. or Nelson Mandela or even a woman such as Mother Theresa or Oprah will walk in one day and say something like “about that job application I noticed in the paper the other day.... you know, I might be interested if the price was right...” That person, if one exists at all in this day and age, is not going to THREATEN – as Obama did the other day at his speech before AIPAC – but they are going to ENLIGHTEN.

That person, should they exist.... They are going to be above threatening. Above imperialism. Above bullying. Above “spin.” Above kowtowing and above lobbying. They are even, dare I say, going to be above “God and country” -- and instead be joyously and wholeheartedly on the side of Humanity itself and nothing more nor less. For in the end, we are human beings knowingly or unknowingly disguising ourselves beneath various different masks of religions and nationalities.

What we need to do now is begin to slowly and cautiously pull down our masks and reveal what is really underneath – human faces. Gorgeous and beautiful living breathing human faces of all different colors and ethnicities. If we are going to bring religion into this matter at all, and time has already told that it is a place where it simply does not belong, but if we are, then let us pray that one day this person will grace us with their humble presence at the doorsteps of our office and say “hey, maybe I'll give it a whirl if you’ll have me.” And for THIS I will pray everyday. THIS is my hope.

Amazing Grace

It is now 2PM on Wednesday. I have not gone to sleep yet. meaning that I have worked right through Tuesday, Tuesday night, and here it is the middle of the day on Wednesday and I have still not slept. There is way too much work with all the different projects that I have taken on and simply not enough time. The irony is that it isn't just me working. I am involved in many, many projects and each has its own little group of partners, employees, mentors, investors, and patrons attached to it and we are all working on them full-tilt.

Infinito refers to it as the “rebuilding the Ambassador’s Empire" project. Everything from negotiating the various record deals the band is currently involved in, to the constant post-Iran-Trip press activities, to all of the different cyber-pr and viral marketing we are doing to build a stronger brand and product – i.e. the Fishy/Transcendence product, to the new book we are writing, to the new Optum Consulting company – that now features three completely different divisions, to the two new non-profit companies and websites that I started this year, to the daily blogging in the Transcendence Diaries that keeps me sane and keeps fans and friends updated as to what I'm up to and thinking, to the three new albums we are releasing this year, to the entirely overhauled and new official Transcendence website that is still being brainstormed and built 24/7 around the clock, to giving guitar lessons, business coaching, and nutritional consulting as a way to make ends meet, to this strange new miraculous and magical songwriting collaboration with Little T where we have literally written an entire album’s worth of material in less than a month and now are desperate to find a studio and the time for me to record it as a new solo album (how are we to find the $ or the time for this when it doesn’t fit in anywhere in my schedule?), to the more than full-time job of trying to respond to the onslaught of emails, fan mail, hate mail, and ridiculous amount of various YouTube and website(s) comments that warrant replies of some kind – which is at least two full time jobs in and of itself... not to mention the two or three weekly or monthly volunteer activities that I am officially assigned and committed to, and an almost full time job of mentoring two young boys that I have adopted as little brothers over the last four years who have been going through rough times at home.

Yes we are busy. So busy in fact that I find myself on the phone literally all day in conference calls with one group or another till my voice gets hoarse, switching from one call to another, conferencing different people in throughout or calling them right back, and then at night I find myself on a different set of conference calls with a different group of partners... and somewhere in between it all I still have to actually work at all this stuff – do the work -- by just sitting in front of the computer all night - and still find time to eat, exercise, and sleep. Which as of late have been the things that I have just let go of completely to the point where I feel like death most of the time – as if I am walking around in a confused daze. Every week or so I reach a point where my eyes start to cross and I cannot see straight, I get dizzy, and then I start throwing up a few times from just total exhaustion, then find myself clogged up and congested as if I have a cold, near death fall down pass out and sleep for twelve to fourteen hours straight – dead asleep even while a very loud alarm clock is going off for hours right on top of me. The thing that strikes me the most peculiar is that when I reach this point of exhaustion I don't even hear the alarm clock. My roommate actually comes in and turns it off because she can hear it all over the house and it is driving her crazy and she says I don't even move a muscle when she comes in. it is almost as if I just go dead. Just BAM. Out for the count.

And that my friends is what I mean when I talk about “If you want it, you CAN get it. But you WILL have to work at it.” The question is “how badly do you want IT?” Whatever “IT” happens to be for you.

There is such a thing as balance of course... there is not necessarily wisdom in being involved in so many projects all at once... how we got here I don't know. But I know it started sometime last summer when I was so completely overwhelmed that more than one person – and I am lucky to have all of these people in my life helping me to rebuild – suggested that I make a list of every “current active project” that I was involved in. We assumed the list would come to about 15 based on our conversations. We were surprised to say the least that we discovered instead that when we really looked at the list it came to 49 “current active projects.” 49. No wonder. Well there it is... that was the problem. Princess Little Tree asked me if I could try to really focus my intuition on what were the 10 most important and try to stick with those. Catherine suggested I focus on only the ones that would yield actual cash flow and leave all else behind for a time... both suggested that I promise to stop YouTubing as a “current active project” and hence that is why I haven't posted anything to YouTube in a few months. Every now and then I manage to squeeze one in because I just really enjoy the process.... but to be fair to them and the amount of time and energy they are focusing on helping me, I have almost completely stopped. I miss it. But in time I will come back to it.

What we did is we created these spreadsheets that I update at the beginning of each new week that outline exactly what the top level priorities are each day or week so I can stay focused on just those tasks... but with life not necessarily fitting into a spreadsheet as neatly as we want it to, there is always something – many things – that appear out of nowhere and jump in to throw everything off.... it is quite challenging because of course with so many projects open at once and so many people involved and having to work around everyone's schedules.... to me it all just seems like a mad whirlwind of activity that leaves me breathless and exhausted... and yet, it is I who is creating it... I am at least clear on that. No one forced me to do any of it. And as Ms. Darlington or Little Tree remind me weekly, it is after all my choice. it’s my life. I could always choose to slow down if I wanted to, or even go the route of “getting a regular job” and just foregoing all of the projects entirely and live a normal life and forget the whole rebuilding the empire concept...

But alas, after my fist official New York presentation this past Sunday regarding my peace delegation trip to Iran, I realized that I had finally come full circle and landed smack-dab where I always knew I wanted to be and dreamt of being in my life – I believe that I have finally and fully rid myself of any of the remnants of the old “ambassador” – selfish, materialistic, feeling that my glory lay in glitz, money, power, or glamor, and instead discovered a new me underneath it all that is finally ready to show up, be real, sincere, authentic, and completely selflessly dedicated to serving humanity in the best and most authentic way that I am able to by simply being me.

It was a very moving and revelatory experience. This subtle but magical day... It was something that I had always envisioned but never knew exactly how I was going to get to, nor believed that I had it in me to really get rid of my selfish materialism enough to ever get to.... but since I was forced into that by unforeseen trickery at the hands of another - Cleopatra and her merry gang of thieving attorneys, and at the exact same time the music business imploding the way it has and our distributor going bankrupt – thus leaving us from being accustomed to regular monthly royalty checks to now not having received a check in 25 straight months, I have had no choice in the matter. In three years I watched a small fortune shrink into a large debt.

I cannot help but feel that there is a bit of Divine Guidance in all of it. That had I not gone through this “cleansing by fire” if you will, that I may never have been able to release myself from the shackles of riches and excess because I had just settled so damn comfortably into it, that I never would have discovered this new more authentic me underneath that realized that there was so much more to life, so much more to me, than my car, my hair, my money, my belongings, or the looks of the girl on my arm. I was literally trapped, partly knew it, didn't wholly know it. Had an idea of it. Didn't think I could get out of it though. Always thought that the likes of persons such as MLK or Nelson Mandela or Gandhi were beyond me, not because I wasn't a smart or dedicated man, but because I was too much a selfish and materialistic man. I had no idea that something divine and miraculous would enter my life to change all that – poverty.

I have been both ridiculously wealthy and miserably poor several times in my short life and I can freely, confidently, and readily submit that being wealthy is by far easier and more enjoyable. But I have become sharpened, emboldened, and inflamed by the events of the last two years. And I dare say that despite the fact that we are indeed quickly rebuilding “the ambassador’s empire” that the ambassador himself will never be the same. Money or no money. For all the struggling, suffering, nervousness, worrying, and insanity that accompanies a life of poverty, it has added a touch of grace to my life that I always knew existed but never really experienced firsthand. When you are living in a life of perceived poverty, you have absolutely no choice but to depend solely on WHO YOU ARE to stand you up rather than WHAT YOU HAVE. I didn't know this before. I had no firsthand experience of it.

That's because I was born rich, then became poor as a young struggling musician who bucked the family’s expected tradition of becoming a college grad-school attorney and ventured out on my own to become a professional musician. As a hungry young man – months at a time without electricity, years without a phone or car, homeless for almost a year in the worst years, all I wanted to be was rich again. I have to say that I was lucky in that I did it pretty fast. I struggled through my twenties and before I reached thirty years I had already made my first “million” – meaning simply that I had companies grossing over a million dollars a year who's revenues I could then use to start other companies with.

It wasn't all luck. It came pretty much from what I'm doing again now. I literally didn't do anything else in life but work. If I wasn't working, I was thinking of working. And when I say work I don't mean “working a job for someone to earn an hourly wage” because you just aren't ever going to become wealthy that way. No, when I say working I mean “working at becoming rich.” Which means trying one or a few different projects on your own till you make it rich. Until that, you're poorer than all the middle class people who are working for an hourly, and then one day they turn around and ask “How the hell did you get so rich so fast?” And of course you're response is “Uh, well it wasn't so fast, it took me freaking ten years, and I did it by working my ass off.”

Now once I achieved wealth, I grew a lot in every direction. Money was good for me. In a lot of ways. It gave me a sense of self and purpose that I needed as a hard working ambitious young man. I certainly didn't become a bad person from it. I was lucky there too. Money didn't ruin me like it does a lot of people. it didn't taint me. It didn't make me evil or selfish or greedy. But I did become someone addicted to money, and also someone who saw money as sort of the ticket to everything... including one’s self worth. A measure of one’s value.

So as a wealthy man I longed for sincerity and authenticity. Very much so. I felt that I had already achieved earthly enlightenment. Having worked on it for years and years. I was not lacking in that department. My connection with the Divine and with my Higher Self was strong and I was aware that I had a very positive influence on those around me. But inside I knew that I was being something on the outside that was only about half of who I was meant to be. Only I just couldn’t figure out what it was... or what I was meant to do about it.

You know it isn't until you are forced to stand up like a man and represent yourself and who you are based on nothing but who you are that you really come to realize that you have indeed achieved that state of realness and sincerity and authenticity that some of our finest fellow human examples have shown can be achieved. It didn't happen to me overnight. And it is still not complete. I take refuge in the fact that I am at least wise enough to understand that it will never be complete. I will always be working on becoming more real, more sincere, more authentic, more caring of others, more selfless. I am a work in progress at best. A messy one at that.

So yes, where were we. Well now it is two hours later in the middle of a hot New York spring day and I haven't slept in over 48 hours. I just continue to work till I drop. Then I pick myself back up and do it again. The point of this little entry was really meant to be more of a record of this moment in time – for a I feel that we just crossed that really bad “down in the dumps slow music” part of the movie and we are about to reach that glorious “cue the music Hollywood happy ending” any week now – I can just feel it... so I just wanted to record what we’re all going through right now in order to make it happen.

Remembering this is going to be important for me. It has been a rough ride. But it has also been a strengthening one. And a graceful one. More than anything it has taught me the value of true friendship. Without friends, I don't know where I'd be. Like the guys in my band, Bloopy and Rockaway and Vancouver and Infinito and The Poet. Guys like G2 who’s worked for me for ten years straight now and let me rack up a bill for the last six months the size of a small fortune and still calls me at midnight to brainstorm or conference on the progress we are all making in “rebuilding the ambassador’s empire.” He emails me one day about two months ago and explains his quandary: “Dude on the one hand I have a wife and baby due in august and I'm putting off paying clients to spend days and night on your work and you can’t afford to pay me. But then I'm laying there at night when I'm trying to fall asleep and I'm saying to myself “I can’t leave my brother just hanging like that... I have to help him, money or not.” Now that's a friend.

Mohdie and Madelynne O'Ryan are still there, as they’ve always been. Mohdie loaned me eight grand three years back for a court case and said “Brother, you better be right on this one cause this is my boat money and I've been saving it for twenty years...” Well luckily I was right and was able to give it right back to him a month later. Brother Beav paypaling me when I need it. Mom God bless her. Western fucking Unioning me in the worst of times with a little memo at the bottom that says “only to be spent on groceries.” Anyone who is lucky enough to have a mother...

And then there is the story of Catherine Darlington and Princess Little Tree who literally believed in me when for a while there I didn't even believe in myself. Wrapped up in a little ball on a bed for weeks afraid to move, immobilized by fear, they just swooped in and caressed me, propped me back up, and said “back out into the world you go young man. You're still the ambassador. You’ve got work to do. Now go get ‘em!” I will never forget that. I would kill for either of them. They’ve shown me love that I never knew existed in the world among ‘not blood family.’

Even Weather Girl and Bunny, who in a very short period of time have both just gotten to know me so well, better than I know myself, that they’ve been able to take my chunks of coal and see diamonds in them long before I did. Weather Girl with her cold and calculating, disciplined and organized way of thinking, can literally pinpoint the exact problem I have with working through certain things can shift me into overdrive with one call just by pointing certain things out in such an uncannily robotic almost computer-like fashion – she just thinks in a way that I don't have the capacity to think like. Without her there’d be no “new book.” Oh there’d be thousands of pages of writing as there always has been, but there’d be no actual book.

Shooting me over text after midnight text “you’ve got to write this book now! You are so much more than a rocker. You are a visionary. Why are you limiting yourself to just a rocker? Why don't you actually write the book? Why don't you take notes and then dictate them to me and I will organize them into chapters? Why don't you send me all your theses and I will do the statistical research to see if you are actually right with all your ideas and predictions? And two weeks later, “Guess what Fishy?! Every single thing you say is happening is actually happening! Lets write this book now!” She's taught me a lot about who I am. Pointing out certain character traits and suggesting ways to improve them using these strange methodical practices of discipline... funny things like that.

And Bunny. She came out of nowhere. Listens to me when I'm down. Listens to me when I'm up. Corrects me when I'm wrong. Commends me when I inspire. What with her “Goddamn you Fishy. You lucky bastard. You just luck into it all don't you? All you do is just walk around enjoying life, exploring shit, having adventures, doing your thing and you live this life that is so fucking interesting that it’s like your whole life is one giant TV show or book and you don't even know it. Let me edit your shit man."

She took that proposal and worked for a solid month on it endlessly day after day for a promise of ten percent on a giant leap of faith and not even a dollar. Now before we’re even done with the first book she's taking the Transcendence Diaries and turning them into a book. “You have how many pages of memoir typed already?!!!” “About four thousand pages now...” I casually mention. “Fishy do you realize memoir is the hottest genre in literature right now? Fuck man, just send me a few hundred pages and I'll start editing it and get all your rambling out and we’ll put out the first of the series. Who the hell writes four thousand pages of memoir and doesn’t do anything with it?!!!” “Well what am I supposed to do with it???” “You're supposed to publish it you idiot.” “oh. Yeah well i figured I'd get around to that eventually.” She says I'm retarded, but like in a good way, and that's why she loves me. So I guess that's a good thing. We shall soon see. That's for sure.

In any case, I'm about three words away from throwing up and passing out. But let it be said here in case I don't ever get a chance to mention it again -- that I'm not doing it alone. None of it. Cleopatra Ecstasy did her best to bring me down – [I don't think that was her intention – it was just the side effect of her doing her best to prop herself up at the expense of anything or anyone that got in her way, and that included me unfortunately.] But I will relate this story in case I never have in print before. If I have, surely Bunny will notice and edit it out.

I was walking to see that movie Amazing Grace a few years ago and I was right on the brink of realizing that I had just about lost everything. I was still eating $60 plates of truffle pasta for dinner at Brio on the Upper East Side but I was going broke fast and still kind of in denial.... I was walking along in the cold New York winter on my way to this movie and I was sort of cursing God. Like “Why is this happening to me? What the hell did I do to deserve this? Why are you doing this to me God? What IS the lesson?”

And I hear this voice as clear as day in my head, just as I always do when it sounds like an angel or my higher self is speaking to me and it said “God isn't doing this to you Fishy. Cleopatra did this to you. And some decisions you yourself made did this to you. Human beings do these things to each other. But God is grace. God only does good things for you. God is going to pull you through this. God has brought Catherine Darlington and Princess Little Tree into your life, and so many others. God is what's going to help you through this. Do you understand?”

And then right in that moment as I was listening to this voice in my head I look down at my feet and just like always there is this perfectly beautiful and beautifully perfect white feather on the ground right in front of me. I bent down and picked it up and twirled it between my fingers. “God is grace,” I whispered to myself. “I get it.” It is truly an amazing grace if you open up to it.

Love Not Love

I am very confused by the heart. It is no wonder that we all at one time or another find ourselves at such odds with our hearts. It is a battle sometimes. Oftentimes when we are on the outside of someone’s heartache, the solution seem so clear to us. And yet when we find ourselves facing a similar battle it doesn’t seem so clear.

What intrigues me most is our ability to still love someone who is clearly not “the best” for us. Or for that matter when we find ourselves still loving someone who does not return our love. You know, its an amazing thing. this. How no matter what we do to attempt to convince ourselves that we need to move on our heart still holds a special place for that person.... I wonder what that is? Why it is. Of course due to the public nature of the Diaries I am unable to fully go into the details of these torrid affair as much as I would normally before this experiment started.... what's it been now? six years? seven years now.... wow...

I need to, really. For in writing I find the most relief from such maladies. But suffice it to say that I believe that in essence the real dilemma lies in the fact that at our very core we long for love. So in cases where we simply don't have any love in our lives, our heart is willing to project true love’s fulfillment on the closest person that fills that role in our lives at that time.

I believe that is why it isn't such a bad thing when necessary to just up and leave our environment when we have to in order to escape the clutches of being in love with someone who just isn't going to ever fit the bill. If that isn't an option and oftentimes it isn't, then it is best to just stop communicating with the person altogether. Move on and just get them out of our lives as much as possible in order to get them out of our heart and mind as much as possible.

One of the things that I find most peculiar is this strange tendency of mine to still long for a girl even after I have made a decision that she isn't the right one for me. I actually find myself feeling jealous if she expresses liking some other guy or going out with another guy. Now in times past I used to beg for those situations so I could rid myself of having to deal with the guilt one feels when one breaks up with a girl, but even then, I find myself feeling terribly agonized over them liking someone else. and this is even after I have let them go and know without a shadow of a doubt that they aren't the one. Even then I still feel this great pain in my heart. it is two feelings simultaneously that are actually totally opposite of one another. On the one hand there is much about the girl that bothers me, even at times, just flat out annoys the hell out of me. And on the other hand I still find myself jealous and hurt that she is liking someone else and actually find myself wanting to be with her.

Such is the case now with a few. And for the life of me I cannot quite understand the nature of this mental and emotional anomaly. Why on earth would I even care? I mean is it not a blessing that one girl or another likes someone else and is now no longer projecting onto you that you are “the one.” She is no longer feeling sad or bitter or lonely or resentment towards you that you don't want to be with her. That's a blessing to be sure. And yet, every now and then, it still sneaks up on me with certain girls and hurts.

I think what it comes down to is that there are some people – when true love strikes us, which is rare – that we just never stop loving. No matter how incompatible we are with them, no matter how much they bother or annoy us or just downright create a feeling of disdain or loathing in us about them we still in our heart of hearts love them and are in essence still “in love” with them. With Weather Girl that's what happened. No matter how much I feel that we are incompatible and how much she annoys me at times, there is still this cupid’s arrow kind of love for what she represented at one point in my life. You see? Not HER. But what she represented – what I was projecting onto her when Cupid’s Arrow struck...

With Sabine it’s more like she's just this giant object of sensuality and mystery to me that will always captivate me, even though again I know we are completely incompatible. But I feel enraged sometimes when I think of her with another man, even though that is precisely the best thing that could happen to her, for both of us... And with Princess Little Tree I still feel the same love for her as I did when we were a couple. The only difference is that now I love her more as a friend and want her to be happy. I mean, talk about pain. fuck. We milked that for as long as we possibly could just because we wanted to be together so badly... but eventually I think we both just got tired of the constant pain of that realization in the back of our minds that we weren't the best for each other because of the age difference and all. We had already been told that we were husband and wife in our last life from more than one psychic and I think that helped us understand the instant connection and attraction and deep care we had for each other, and in a way it helped it make it easier for us to say good bye to our idea of being together in that capacity in this life. God was that sad.

It hurt sometimes. All of it. All of them. I'll tell you that. it hurts like a sonofabitch. It stings. It causes the body to tense up and clinch up and writhe in agony. Even though we very well know that they indeed aren't “the one.” But that doesn’t really talk to the heart. the heart has its own switchboard and I don't think that anyone knows how to tap into it yet or make a call into it. It just has its own special line. Only God knows how to get in there and talk any sense to it. time I
guess is all that can really heal these things...

I'm doing alright with it. The easiest cure of course is just to be in other relationships. And then you don't really think about it. you get yourself a new crush and then you aren't thinking of the old ones anymore... well that's the theory. For me that never actually works either. Because if I could have it my way I would have them all together as my wives and we would all be fine. In Iran when I met with the infamous Iranian filmmaker Khoshrow Sinai who is now in his sixties, I met one of his wives. He lives with two wives and they are best friends. Two children from each wife. And they are all very happy. I would like that very much. I guess I essentially I have that now in a way... just in a slightly covert way... and without the fringe benefits...

The real dream would be to meet ONE GIRL who could satisfy all of it. I mean, people get married for a reason... it isn't always just for children or tradition or convenience or even just temporary infatuation. Sometimes there is really something amazingly magical there.... and my dream would be to meet HER. that ONE girl that could really be THAT ONE for me. Where I would not need a handful of them to satisfy all the various different aspects of my gigantic personality... I wonder if that is possible... to have one girl that could do it... something to think about.

The closest I ever came was Cleopatra, but I was a kid and I was really fooling myself because she really wasn't on the same plane as I. I mean, eventually once the infatuation faded away we realized that we were very different from each other. We loved each other deeply and took such precious care for one another but we were on totally different planes so we argued insanely and passionately and horribly all the time. It was truly a nightmare. I'm very glad that I was mature enough to make the decision to “start separating to see if we could work out our differences.” Proud of her too. We made the right decision.

And since then, I've always wondered if there was one girl out there who really has it. all of it. the whole thing. not just the looks and the package, but also the old soul and the brains... the breeding, the enlightenment, the ability to keep up, the kindness and caring and unshakable integrity and honesty and lust for truth. I think for each of us, what we are really asking for is quite the miracle, and if we are lucky enough to find it, we should remind ourselves just how lucky we are.

The other day I received this email from Dina, remember the cute little gelato girl from Roma? Gosh I cannot even remember what name I assigned her in the Diaries... and I don't feel like looking it up... we had a great time for about a week or two in Rome just before I left. If you want to jump into that whole scene head to the Diaries from June through September 2003 and read all about it. There are some truly wild stories to be had there.

In any case, she fell in love with the song “Vicodin” from our Sleep with you CD that had just come out that year. (Good for her, cause it’s a damn good song and once she “got it” you know, not just liked the music, but understood the whole idea behind the song, she sort of took it as her theme song for a while...) And so she creates a new email address for herself from that point forward calling herself Vicodina... still now. Which is just fucking classic. In any case, we’ve kept in touch for the last five years and that's the way it should be.... So the other day I get this reply from her because it was her birthday...

Ciaoooooooooooooo Fishy,
It is so nice to heard you, first of all you have to exuse for my english that i' m sure it will be really hard to understand. Thank you for remembering my bifthday, I'm relly impressed your memory has win the battle with all the drugs you had in the past! Hahahhaaaa! Anyway my life goes really well, i'm working with my love fabrizio in a nice restaurant near Rome and we are living togheter from 1 year already, i have lost all my bads abits (i remember you was really worried for me) so now my life is more normal. I have to say that sometimes i still get drunk but is just because i don't want to feel too old .I 'm 31 this year and i still think i 'm 28 ,and if you could see me i'm sure you will agree with me that time did not change me a lot. what about you ? please let me now if you come in Rome to play with your band, and if you got time tell me something about the life in the big apple........ Tanti abbracci e baci dalla tua amica romana
Vicodina.

And you know, that's the thing really. Is that its all about us being able to share with each other like this AFTER we are in a relationship with someone... you know, if we work everything out alright. If everyone puts their cards on the table and is honest and clean and has integrity, things can always work out alright and we often find that our best friends in the world are our ex-lovers.... with me and Sabine... we are still in that stage where we are struggling back and forth a bit. Still this tug of war. You know, I never know whether I'm coming or going with her really. I mean she's such a fucking mystery. One minute she loves me, the next minute she hates me. then the next minute we’re just friends, then the next minute she hates Weather Girl just because I once liked Weather Girl. And then she just likes me as a friend. Just makes no sense. But she's one of my best friends in the whole world and I put up with it all no matter what because we have the potential to be really good friends one day.

Lately I think she's coming around. Perhaps we both are. We’re getting to this new stage where we can hang out and laugh and really be friends.... at least on the phone. Being a professional “ballerina” she's not around that much anyway, so its better that way. Its weird though because I still find myself unable to just hang out with her and NOT think about her in a romantic way. which fucking drives me crazy. Because I don't want to. And I know she doesn’t want me to either. You see? That's where we were when we started.... And that my friends is the puzzle. First one to figure that one out wins the prize.

Spent the entire day working on the diaries and writing songs. Then rehearsed with cooper. He’s getting better. He quit smoking pot for the New Year. So his true emotions are coming out now. just coming out all over the place. like a blossoming flower, a neurotic one. It is amazing to watch people quit drinking or doing a drug they are used to. Because once they stop suppressing their feelings then all of a sudden a whole new person comes out; their heart’s true feelings and their mind’s true thoughts and fears and desires and tons of stuff. they become much bigger and brighter people.

Tonight went to see the new world symphony perform two symphonies. One by Hayden. And the last one by Shostakovich. Went with the girl from Venezuela. The Hayden was fine. Nice. but as soon as the first movement started from Shostakovich’s 8th symphony I felt like I was catapulted into some kind of a .... I don't know how to put it in words. this was by far the greatest musical experience I have ever had so far. the only other concert or performance that I can remember that even came close to approximating the emotional effect was the U2 elevation tour and a few Dead shows in the late eighties and early nineties. This piece of music---his eighth symphony—is maybe the best piece of music I have ever heard. It was so dramatic and emotional and powerful---I mean like forty fucking minutes straight of this surge of passion---that it rendered everything else in my life inconsequential during the entire performance. It was just unfuckingbeleivable. I never knew he was so good. so brilliant. My body and my heart were on edge the whole time. My mouth hanging open. I just kept saying to myself, ‘oh my God.’

When I am alone I take incessant notes no matter where I am, especially at concerts. But I couldn’t even take notes I was so moved. I just sat there immobilized in a way. didn't want to miss a second. But I perfected this method where every time I would think of something I need to take a note on I count it on one of my fingers. And then I remember how many fingers I have made a note on. Hard to explain. So my thumb would be one idea and I look at my thumb and recite the idea out loud to myself and then I get another idea and assign it to my forefinger and then look at both fingers and then recite both ideas and on and on and so when I left he concert I could look at my fingers and remember that I had made five notes in my mind, one for each finger and then I could quickly recall all five ideas without actually having to take out a pad and write throughout the whole performance. Just a note. Something to remember. You can at least capture ten different ideas on both hands without having to write anything down. Good way of remembering things when you can’t take notes.

Went to see the movie The Politics of Fur, part of the Miami gay and lesbian film festival. There was enough gay men kissing to make me squirm like I was in a dentist’s chair for two hours. But that's not the funny part. Because of the title, I thought it was going to be like an activist film, you know politics and anti-fur campaigns. So the whole movie I'm waiting for something to come up about furs and stuff. but nothing. In the movie there was this baby Tiger. So I thought it was maybe about the Tiger since the Tiger had fur. By the end of the film I was like what the hell does this movie have to do about fur? Well it was a lesbian movie. So finally half way to my car I realized. I looked at a lesbian couple that were walking next to me and I said, “the politics of fuuuur. I get it now.” and they were like, “duh!”  

Later that night I had dinner with the guys. There was this beautiful girl sitting at a table across from us. and I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was gorgeous. But she wasn't holding her fork right. it was all wrong. it was like she never learned. She was holding it like a child. I couldn’t get it to make sense. Was that alone going to hold it up for me? the guys were like go talk to her. And I was like, no way man. Look how she's holding her fork.”

Current read: Live from New York. History of Saturday night live which is a really fun read. Still reading Peak Evolution. This book is amazing. Studying the history of the worlds greatest fashion designers now too. Up to Giorgio Armani.