Mom calls. upset. Finally opens her heart up to men for the first time in years... and has started dating. She is happier than she has been in many years. shines. Glows. Smiles even more than normal, which says a lot for her. she is a very happy and bubbly person already. How is it to talk to your mom about her dating men... having your mom call you crying because she is breaking up with a boyfriend... not as bad as one would think... its easy for me. easier than I thought. She's cycling through boyfriends now. dating. Fun stuff. she still has a tendency to date down rather than up. ‘mom, please. just keep going through them. please don't bring the bloodline down any further. For gods sake...’ I joke. ‘don't be ridiculous Fishy. You're bigger than that honey.’ ‘Mom why am I the only who seems to be bothered if you and Beaver forget who we are and where we came from and keep bringing people into our families who are beneath us...’ I bite my tongue. I regret what I say immediately. I am a monster. Listen to me. isn't it love that's all that matters? Am I wrong to want to keep the blood.... ‘people are not beneath people because of money Fishy. you know better.’ ‘well I'm not talking about money here mom. You know that...’

‘Mom study history. Whole kingdoms have been brought down because of someone marrying the wrong person. that's all I'm saying. just please bear that in mind. We were raised a certain way. we came from a certain breed. Why am I the only one that remembers that?’ ‘honey you think too much about that. beaver is happy. don't pester the boy for that. don't ever talk this way to your brother.’ ‘mom he eats white bread and yellow mustard for gods sake....’ I'm an idiot I think... ‘honey your bother would eat like that no matter who he married... things like that are not important to Beaver. He doesn’t have the same tastes as you. there is nothing wrong with that. Look at his soul dear. He is more than all of that. He is a real gentleman. You need to see that...’

I do see it. I am just reacting to an unconscious resistance to being common. Probably because our family never lived up to our own upbringing... when our family came to America they came with a lot less than what they left behind. But they did this in order to find freedom and even more prosperity, as so many millions of people did and still do. This was how it was when you left your homeland and came to America I am told. But still they did well. Until the stock market crash of ‘29. My grandfather’s father lost everything and shot himself at the age of 35 leaving his wife and seven children behind. A weak man, and a coward. But still, my grandfather, the youngest, managed to climb back up and became very successful. Ironically he worked for the United States government for forty years as an attorney and judge. If he could only see me now. he would be chasing me around the house trying to hit me... But the family never regained the prestige or the resources that they had back home. that's the point.

I will never forget my grandfather and grandmother sitting us down one summer day when we were children and showing us our great great great -- I don't know how many generations back -- paternal grandfather’s name in the encyclopedia Britannica. This did not mean much to me at that age because I assumed that everyone had family in those big black books.... but later it became something very important to me. He was a famous mathematician who discovered many very algebraic formulas and theorems that are used and taken for granted today. then my grandmother showed us the name of her great uncle also in the Britannica who was a famous composer and musician who is not much remembered today except in scholarly circles. Again, I did not quite get the importance of this until much later. We were too young... but I gathered that it meant something...

Had to move out of the house of Opus because his roommate has five family members coming in from Spain tomorrow. so I went and booked the cheapest hotel I could find. $33 a night. lets put it that way. this place is a dump. Normally I would never, but I figure the more uncomfortable I am the better. That way I will compel myself to make the move even faster.

I spend all day and night at the office or the studio now anyway so what does it matter. But I'll tell you, it isn't as easy as you think it is to live this way. three months ago I was driving my convertible down the causeway to a 3000 sq ft house every night with my own private music room. Now I'm living out of a suitcase in a tiny little dive motel. I filled the hotel form out today when I checked in and in that part there where you put your address, I had to pause for a second... what address? Wow. I have no actual address right now besides my office. so I put that on there. Why did I do this again? oh yeah. To move to New York. O.k. fine. I can deal with it. but sometimes I just can’t believe that I'm really doing it. uprooting my whole life like this and moving someplace else all on my own. just me; and two huge warehouses full of stuff. haha.

What I am amazed by is how when people find out how much stuff you have, so many people have this attitude like ‘don't you/can’t you get rid of a lot of that stuff?’ I'm like ‘why would you wanna do that?’ I mean you don't spend your whole life collecting all this great stuff just to throw it away. at least I don't. I guess a lot of people end up having a lot of stuff that they don't really like or need. I can see that. but I have these two warehouses and I don't even have any furniture. A few good pieces. Nothing I'd throw away or sell. That's for sure. Its mainly just collections of stuff. clothes cds books art. Things like that. I think the idea of owning your own library is very foreign to a lot of people in my generation. They just don't get it --- that a man has a library full of valuable collections that he spends his entire life collecting and he passes it down to his children. I think maybe I come from a different age or something.

Anyway, just because its funny, when the movers arrived today at my storage units to give their estimate they looked at these two warehouses filled with boxes and no furniture except my bed and they are like what's in all these boxes? And I'm like, ‘books and vinyl and cds, media mostly. And lots of clothes’ and they gave me this look like I was crazy. like they were looking at a crazy man. It was very funny. Then they start talking they have to charge me more because they are used to moving furniture not boxes full of books.

When you think about it, now, looking forward, I guess we don't really need to carry around all these books and cds anymore. We can fit it all in our laptops now. I know that. but there is something very special still about collecting media in its hard copy version. I'll tell you this though, if we ever have children we can bet they aren't going to be collecting media of any kind in its hardcopy form. They're just going to be downloading everything into their ‘personal-who-knows-what's.’ but for me, I like sitting amongst a bunch of books and reading a little bit of each one on a Sunday afternoon while listening to a bunch of cds. I dig it. we stare at the computer monitor enough already.

I'm rambling because I'm homeless and careless and girlfriendless at the moment and just don't feel like going upstairs to this shitty little motel room I rented. Haha. but this is a huge change. One of those things I will always look back at. The time between worlds. not bad really. I have been surprised how easily I have adapted each day to the uncertainty of it all. I always took so much pride and gave such importance to my house and how beautiful it was and my car and my studio and my cats and the home I had there. and now when you have none of that, when you are between that, just living out of a suitcase like this with no place to call your own, you really need to look inside to find your happiness and to find your home. I have been really amazed and proud of myself at how well I have been doing it. I've found me through it. I'm me. and here I am. No matter where I live or where I'm staying for the night. its cool.

I was on the Internet tonight for hours doing more research on my ancestry. Working on my father’s father’s father’s father’s side; still trying to trace it back farther. To where they first arrived in America. Cannot get out of the US. every time I go back ten years to another census, something has changed with this guy, his age or his children. I don't know if they were just really dumb or just lied or the census researcher was making mistakes or what. But I am dumbfounded how the little things change. Maybe they just always told different info everytime for the fun of it. maybe they weren't sure so always made stuff up.

Anyway, I cannot believe that on my father’s side I come from such lowly roots. It is quite humbling. Having only been raised by my mother’s side of the family and hence only hearing about our aristocratic heritage etc... and then to be sitting in here in front of the computer screen and seeing generation after generation listing ‘farmer’ as their occupation on my fathers side, its quite humbling. In 1870 he is a farmer with a wife who cannot read or write and has six kids, soon to have a total of 8. his wife Sarah anne had their first when she was 14. He lists his real estate valued at $400 and his personal estate at $350. Not bad actually when you think of it. for the times I guess. states like Iowa, Indiana, Missouri, Virginia pop up... the kind of states I never think about. these are states that other people come from... not me I always figured. You just never consider that part of you and then one day you start seeing it there in your family tree... those kind of states, those kind of occupations. Wow. I spent hours tonight hunched over the screen looking for clues... I search and I search and I search and I cannot find him any further back. it is so frustrating. To not know where you fully come from.

My father knows next to nothing about his background. I am now well beyond his knowledge base of his ancestry. I don't know if I will ever know where they really came from. this much I do know: I am 50% Italian, 25% polish, and 25% ???American??? farmer. Wow. No wonder I'm so confused. The Italian part I've traced back for centuries and feel satisfied that I've gone back far enough for the meantime. I mean I visited all the little towns where they were born and raised for generations. That was great. Don't know anything about the polish side yet. that's really crazy. polish. Wow. But this last quarter... I just have to get all the way back. I have to know who I am. Or better, who we were. How did I get to be me? how did I come into being? What is in my blood? There has to be a way to find out.

My father always says ‘England or maybe Wales or Ireland or Scotland.’ Well hey man those are all different countries. It would be nice to know. [actually come to think of it, looking as far back as its going to be when they arrived on the shores of America those were all under British rule, so maybe they weren’t all different countries at the time...] I certainly look more Great Britain than anything else, so maybe that's why I'm so into discovering this last little bit. Either way, I just want to know.

Last screening: the forgotten. Good movie. And still studying Churchill every night before bed.

Train back to Rome. 

We just passed the little town of chieti. Where they found evidence of the oldest civilization of Italy. From 13,000 years ago. talking about anthropology. One of my favorite subjects. Very passionate about it. we discussed how rewarding it is to discuss it, like eating an ice cream. know we just recently found a new sub-species a few weeks or months ago. they call it homo sapiens adoltus or something like this. larger skulls than us. longer faces. Still no link though. But we will get there. and what is next? I said teleportation. That is our next unchartered frontier. Just like the fax machine I say. Use the fax machine as our model. Just use our DNA and transpose it from genetic data into binary data. Teleport one’s image or personality anywhere you want to. like a holograph or something but more data. maybe not the actual person. “well then I could be in more than one place at the same time if I wanted to with that method. Kind of.” Steph says. “yes you could. And that's when the real fun begins.” 

Is there anything better than a brother? Or a sister? (I don't actually have a sister, but I assume the pleasure is the same.) talking about our brothers. I don't think you get closer to anyone more than to your brother or your sister. To your spouse of course but in a different way. I don't even need to speak with my brother. Because we are so close. It is like they are a part of you in some weird way. you feel so at home with them. talking about Beav and how different we are. “is your brother interested in tracing your family like you are? Will he come here?” “No. he’s not like this. He will pat his wife on the back and point to his little babies and say “This is my family right here man. I don't need to look for our family. My family is right here in my house.” That's Beav. We are completely different. Living vicariously through each other’s very different lives.

Riding scooters through The countryside on our way to the tiny town of Penne. Hours and hours in the hot baking sun.

This is it. The entrance to the great city of Penne. Hometown to my great-grandfather’s family. The morelli family. Town of 13,000 people. an ancient town dating from 213 AD. The whole town made of brick. All the roads are paved in brick. Everything is built on these hills. And everything is connected. All just one gigantic building housing thousands of people and churches and businesses. All made of this old brick. Climbing up the hills on our scooter, climbing up and up The cold ride back. looking for Carla. The beautiful people. what a feeling it was to sit in a 1500 year old café in the hometown of my great grandfather.... long before I was ever even conceived of or imagined...

Stopped at these family’s home because they make olive oil right there in their house. Sat down and got to know them a little. Eating bread and cheese and oil. I bought jugs and jugs of this olive oil to bring back with me.

Such a contrast to the big city of Pescara. Pescara is like Detroit or something. It is just a sprawling city. highways everywhere. a lot of industry. The ugliest place I have seen in Italy so far. it is actually hard for me to drive through due to the overwhelming lack of real beauty anywhere in the town. Which is funny because so far it is the nicest collection of beautiful girls I have seen in the country. We are truly in awe of what we have seen the last two days. So many beautiful girls and boys it is hard to fathom at first. The Italian girls try to talk with us but we do not speak well enough. And they speak no English except, ‘what is your name. my name is ...’ 

We are on the train bound for Pescara on the coast of the Adriatic sea in the region of Abruzzo. We are crossing by train from one coast to the other, all the way across the country. Beautiful scenery. My great grandfather’s family is from here—a little town called Penne. I brought Stephano from Germany with me. I have gotten used to this now. packing a little bag and just running to the station and going somewhere far away for the weekend. This time we didn't even buy a ticket. We just looked at the train schedule, found a town close to Penne which doesn’t have station it is so small and just jumped on the train. How much fun. Eventually some guy comes on and asks you for your ticket and you give him some money and all is well. We’ll get to the town and find a hotel and rent some scooters and just explore the whole region for a few days and be back for school by Monday morning in Rome. 

Abruzzo is the country. This is deep country of Italy in the Apennine mountains we are up over 9000 feet above sea level on this rickety train. Beautiful green rolling hills contrasting with rough rocky terrain here and there. this is old country. Farmland. 

Me and stephano discussing the difference between Europe and America and the opportunity you are afforded. The difference between the beaurocratic systems and how in Europe the beaurocracy really impedes your ability to achieve the “American dream.” How envious and how much they admire the united states in Germany he tells me because of our opportunity for anyone to be successful regardless of their upbringing. 

There is a couple on the train just behind me from Marco Island, close to where I grew up. we are reminded of what a small world it is once again.

We are in the middle of nowhere it looks like here. The town we are going to Pescara and none of the other ones in the vicinity 

I am doing all the talking for us here. stephano does not communicate as well in Italian as I do. which is funny. 

O.k. we are here now. the end of the earth. Pescara actually appears to be a very large industrial city. we are staying right on the beach at this very nice hotel. Checking into the hotel we had a big problem. They refused to let stephano stay here because he didn't have a passport. They were adamant about it. of course as an American I just ignored the managers and demanded to get what I want. And as an American you can do that. but if you from some other country it is a different story. 

We just saw the blackouts in north America on television here. I haven't watched television in about 8 weeks. Wow. Is it terrorism? We are watching the crowds of people walk the streets and the people playing in the fire hydrants and we are laughing at the spirit and resilience of the Americans. God I love us so much. We are wonderful people. stephano agrees. But he says Germany thinks we are fools in some ways because we have the greatest country in the world but we let our presidents and politicians do things that cause great damage to us in the long term. he uses the blackouts as a perfect example of how we spend billions of dollars for weapons to pay back the companies that subsidize the political campaigns of the men who become president and congressmen instead of spending our hard earned money on things that could have prevented the blackouts. He says that the whole world is talking about what a ticking time bomb America is because our leaders have misappropriated hundreds of trillions of our money.

We were watching MTV and stephano says, I think it’s a good thing that we don't understand your lyrics too much. One time we translated some songs that were very popular from Britney spears in your country and it was such shit. We thought this would never be popular in Germany. The people would never listen to such shitty lyrics. We wonder how you can listen to tings like this. i explained to him that not all of our music is that bad. But it does make you wonder. What strikes me the most from hanging out with Europeans the last two months and hearing all their ideas and opinions and stories about America is that they think we are such idiots and yet they think we are so smart and wonderful at the same time. its this amazing dichotomy they say in our country because it so large and has so many people. I think this is very enlightened of them to realize that.  

Watching TV here is really funny. We are going back and forth between the Italian, German, and American channels and noticing the differences. Wow. What a handful TV is huh? After not having watched for so long. People freaking out over the openly gay bishop that was elected in Belgium. We have decided that these are people who are not happy in their lives and so they look to other people—kind of get in their business—and look for faults in others. Someone called in CNN really and said that everyone who voted for this bishop is demonically possessed. And she was completely serious. Can you imagine? “demonically possessed.” What is this the fucking dark ages?

Our last day of school for this class. Everyone was really sad. We took a lot of pictures. Funny how you spend time with strangers and then you get to know them and get to be friends and then you don't know them anymore. We have spent 4 weeks together all day sitting in class making jokes and making fun of each other as we struggled, each of us with our own special reason, to learn the INSANE language of Italian. Most of us will never see each other again. some of us will. I will stay on for a while maybe in a week or so I will go back to the school. Although I think the school is lame. And the city of Florence is hot and it is like living in Disney world. but I think it is nice place to start off because it is so modern and European compared to other places. Although I assume Rome will be all that and more. This week though I am going to the South to visit Rome with some friends I have met and then on to Napoli, and then to see the ancient city of Pompeii and then off to see the little towns where my family came from. 

For the last two days one of my teachers has been helping me call to the different communities and speak with people to look up the archived records of my family. There was a little bit more info we needed. Now I have enough. My grandmother’s family came from Itri, not atri, in the region of Lazio, just South of Rome. My grandfather’s came from Eboli in the Campania region just South of Naples. Both on the coast. So after Rome I will head to these towns on my own. Stay a few days on the Mediterranean and try to get the feel of these towns and the people. then and only then can I actually speak with the main person who is in charge of archival records of these towns and then if they like me I can search their records to trace the families back even further. They will not let you do this over the phone or via letter. Only in person. and only if they believe you, that you really are related to the people you are looking up. so the adventure will begin.