Had to move out of the house of Opus because his roommate has five family members coming in from Spain tomorrow. so I went and booked the cheapest hotel I could find. $33 a night. lets put it that way. this place is a dump. Normally I would never, but I figure the more uncomfortable I am the better. That way I will compel myself to make the move even faster.

I spend all day and night at the office or the studio now anyway so what does it matter. But I'll tell you, it isn't as easy as you think it is to live this way. three months ago I was driving my convertible down the causeway to a 3000 sq ft house every night with my own private music room. Now I'm living out of a suitcase in a tiny little dive motel. I filled the hotel form out today when I checked in and in that part there where you put your address, I had to pause for a second... what address? Wow. I have no actual address right now besides my office. so I put that on there. Why did I do this again? oh yeah. To move to New York. O.k. fine. I can deal with it. but sometimes I just can’t believe that I'm really doing it. uprooting my whole life like this and moving someplace else all on my own. just me; and two huge warehouses full of stuff. haha.

What I am amazed by is how when people find out how much stuff you have, so many people have this attitude like ‘don't you/can’t you get rid of a lot of that stuff?’ I'm like ‘why would you wanna do that?’ I mean you don't spend your whole life collecting all this great stuff just to throw it away. at least I don't. I guess a lot of people end up having a lot of stuff that they don't really like or need. I can see that. but I have these two warehouses and I don't even have any furniture. A few good pieces. Nothing I'd throw away or sell. That's for sure. Its mainly just collections of stuff. clothes cds books art. Things like that. I think the idea of owning your own library is very foreign to a lot of people in my generation. They just don't get it --- that a man has a library full of valuable collections that he spends his entire life collecting and he passes it down to his children. I think maybe I come from a different age or something.

Anyway, just because its funny, when the movers arrived today at my storage units to give their estimate they looked at these two warehouses filled with boxes and no furniture except my bed and they are like what's in all these boxes? And I'm like, ‘books and vinyl and cds, media mostly. And lots of clothes’ and they gave me this look like I was crazy. like they were looking at a crazy man. It was very funny. Then they start talking they have to charge me more because they are used to moving furniture not boxes full of books.

When you think about it, now, looking forward, I guess we don't really need to carry around all these books and cds anymore. We can fit it all in our laptops now. I know that. but there is something very special still about collecting media in its hard copy version. I'll tell you this though, if we ever have children we can bet they aren't going to be collecting media of any kind in its hardcopy form. They're just going to be downloading everything into their ‘personal-who-knows-what's.’ but for me, I like sitting amongst a bunch of books and reading a little bit of each one on a Sunday afternoon while listening to a bunch of cds. I dig it. we stare at the computer monitor enough already.

I'm rambling because I'm homeless and careless and girlfriendless at the moment and just don't feel like going upstairs to this shitty little motel room I rented. Haha. but this is a huge change. One of those things I will always look back at. The time between worlds. not bad really. I have been surprised how easily I have adapted each day to the uncertainty of it all. I always took so much pride and gave such importance to my house and how beautiful it was and my car and my studio and my cats and the home I had there. and now when you have none of that, when you are between that, just living out of a suitcase like this with no place to call your own, you really need to look inside to find your happiness and to find your home. I have been really amazed and proud of myself at how well I have been doing it. I've found me through it. I'm me. and here I am. No matter where I live or where I'm staying for the night. its cool.

I was on the Internet tonight for hours doing more research on my ancestry. Working on my father’s father’s father’s father’s side; still trying to trace it back farther. To where they first arrived in America. Cannot get out of the US. every time I go back ten years to another census, something has changed with this guy, his age or his children. I don't know if they were just really dumb or just lied or the census researcher was making mistakes or what. But I am dumbfounded how the little things change. Maybe they just always told different info everytime for the fun of it. maybe they weren't sure so always made stuff up.

Anyway, I cannot believe that on my father’s side I come from such lowly roots. It is quite humbling. Having only been raised by my mother’s side of the family and hence only hearing about our aristocratic heritage etc... and then to be sitting in here in front of the computer screen and seeing generation after generation listing ‘farmer’ as their occupation on my fathers side, its quite humbling. In 1870 he is a farmer with a wife who cannot read or write and has six kids, soon to have a total of 8. his wife Sarah anne had their first when she was 14. He lists his real estate valued at $400 and his personal estate at $350. Not bad actually when you think of it. for the times I guess. states like Iowa, Indiana, Missouri, Virginia pop up... the kind of states I never think about. these are states that other people come from... not me I always figured. You just never consider that part of you and then one day you start seeing it there in your family tree... those kind of states, those kind of occupations. Wow. I spent hours tonight hunched over the screen looking for clues... I search and I search and I search and I cannot find him any further back. it is so frustrating. To not know where you fully come from.

My father knows next to nothing about his background. I am now well beyond his knowledge base of his ancestry. I don't know if I will ever know where they really came from. this much I do know: I am 50% Italian, 25% polish, and 25% ???American??? farmer. Wow. No wonder I'm so confused. The Italian part I've traced back for centuries and feel satisfied that I've gone back far enough for the meantime. I mean I visited all the little towns where they were born and raised for generations. That was great. Don't know anything about the polish side yet. that's really crazy. polish. Wow. But this last quarter... I just have to get all the way back. I have to know who I am. Or better, who we were. How did I get to be me? how did I come into being? What is in my blood? There has to be a way to find out.

My father always says ‘England or maybe Wales or Ireland or Scotland.’ Well hey man those are all different countries. It would be nice to know. [actually come to think of it, looking as far back as its going to be when they arrived on the shores of America those were all under British rule, so maybe they weren’t all different countries at the time...] I certainly look more Great Britain than anything else, so maybe that's why I'm so into discovering this last little bit. Either way, I just want to know.

Last screening: the forgotten. Good movie. And still studying Churchill every night before bed.

Working madly all day and night editing the diaries, now up to 450 pages. The ones from the last two years that we took down. Ready to go up this week. Writing a few new songs. Mostly open D. It’s New Years Eve day and the new years calls and emails are coming in. I am so thankful for my friends. I used to get so weirded out by the friends thing. As we get older we start realizing how precious it is to have friends. If you end up with a handful of friends you can call your brothers or sisters in your lifetime you are very lucky indeed. Talked with Madelynne a long time tonight about this. and about her new baby she is expecting any day now. About how precious our lives are. we went over a few of the people we know who have died already. Car accidents and things like that. life really is so precious. And our connections to people are so special. As I was typing this she called me back to say ‘hey pups just to let you know its been really great spending another year with you.’ I told her hey Maddie I'm typing the same thing right now! we are both so lucky to have each other in our lives. How sweet. So while I was sitting here waiting for the new years activities to begin, I just started hitting new mail messages in Outlook and typed quick happy new years messages to all my friends. Just to let them know I care about them and was thinking about them. it was so much fun. Every time a person popped in my mind I would type a quick message to them. Fun. Man if I ever had to make a choice, and I don't believe that we do, I would choose friends and family over anything else. I feel so blessed today reflecting on this.  

Also trying to stomach the Blue Mask. Been working on it now for a month or two after putting it down for some years. But who is he and why is he? He is a madman. He is a murderer. He is a prophet. He is a hero of sorts... but how? Still hard to understand and even harder to handle working on him for more than an hour... he is intense. He is voracious. He has no regret.  

Current Read: more of the same. Still studying the Islam faith and its history.  Had no idea that it was a spin off from Judaism/Christianity. Also reading little bits from the Tao Te ching as every year during this time. I think that it is the most holy of all books man has written so far. The most true and noble of all of our word collections. Most people just don't know it yet. Most people that live here on earth at this time still need God defined for them. They need all those rules and laws and pillars and sacraments and definitions and legends and myths that make up the major religions of today’s humanity. The Tao te ching offers very little of that. it defines God as we really know IT to be thus far, which is to say that we don't really know IT very well at all; but in our hearts we can feel IT---we get glimpses of IT. it is a bold testament to where we are and what we know. That is what makes it such an elusive and mysterious text to many, but at the same time, very sacred and holy and truthful to others. It is pure light without filters or mirrors. 

Current Spin: Zach Zischin new CD. Real as the memory. Lots of good songs on here. Power pop. Catchy as all hell. He is mixing the new Transcendence album. so hopefully some of that power pop polish will rub off on what we laid down. 

PS---had my final session of the year with my coach Gary. We always do this on the last day of the year. very special. We went over my list of goals/outcomes for the year of 2003 together. We both had copies. He is an Anthony Robbins coach so we use the Robbins RPM software to track goals. I had created 15 major goals last year on the 31^st of December 2002. what we noticed was that 2003 was a pretty crazy year. A lot of change and growth. More mental and emotional than purely physical things accomplished. We tracked the results pretty objectively. Noticed that I had achieved about half of the goals and outcomes I had listed one year prior. Seven out of 15. not bad. Mostly the ones that were more like I said mental or emotional, growth type goals, like the one about coming from my true heart, rather than doing what you think you're supposed to be doing, Also the one about not holding back power, rather than thinking or second guessing—just going for it all the time—being in the full on flow of your power. Both of those accomplished to the point where I couldn’t even relate to needing to have them written down now as goals anymore. Quit smoking. went to Italy to learn Italian and research my family. Made a lot more money. finished TTV. Finished and finally released the sleep with you album fifteen days before the year was over so that was cool. Figured out how to and completed the Diaries project. Etc. but other ones we just didn't even come close to. Def did not do any major tours which I really wanted to do. went on a few mini tours and they really just sucked. So that is something we really have to focus on. A few film and TV licensing deals. Things like that. So it was a chance at celebrating the accomplishments I did achieve and then recommitting and planning on how to achieve the ones I didn't yet reach. And then the fun part is to come up with all the new ones for the coming year. you transfer any of the old ones you still want and then add a bunch of new ones. I really like coaching. I think it’s a great way to stay focused. Having that outside source who is just there for you objectively to tell you like it is and help you achieve your dreams. most good coaches have coaches of their own too, to help them achieve their own goals. That's cool.   

Total insanity. Working eighteen hour days promoting the Sleep with you album, running the record company, and trying to finish recording the new album, think we’re going to call it nothing is cohesive. I need some help. Can’t lose weight. Ever since Italy. Obsessed with it. I look in the mirror and feel like I am looking at some giant hideous pig. Work out over an hour every day. don't eat. The diet pills are freaking my system out. I don't actually sleep at night because there is so much caffeine in my system. I kind of drift in and out of these hallucinations, but never feel like I sleep. Haven't in months. It is no wonder I feel two steps away from going completely mad. The good news is that sleep with you is getting great radio airplay on college and rock stations. And we are making so much progress in so many other areas. Vancouver decided not to tour with the cheesy Latin singer, but to transcend. good for him. he will choose to be a God rather than a slave. I knew he had it in him. tax man is coming down on me and Cleo. We have less than two weeks to give them about ten times more than most people make in a year. And we don't have a dime. It will be very interesting to see what happens. i don't care now. I care about my music now. and I can do it in the street if I have to. I am obsessed with my art. with guitars. And with amps. And with new sounds. And with new songs. And with painting with words and music.  

Dig these lyrics from the last song on the last George Harrison recording, Brainwashed. Talk about going out with a bang! 

"Brainwashed in our childhood
Brainwashed by the school
Brainwashed by our teachers
and brainwashed by their rules 

Brainwashed b y our leaders
By our Kings and Queens
Brainwashed in the open and brainwashed
behind the scenes 

God God God
A voice cried in the wilderness
God God God
it was on the longest night
God God God
An eternity of darkness
God God God

You know how sometimes you are really behind in your work, you just have so much you are in the middle of and then someone says c'mon lets go out tonight or come hang out in the Hamptons or whatever for the weekend, and there is this real temptation to go for it. people will tell you, live a little, or all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, or you have to learn to relax, there's so many. We hear them all the time. and man that's true. You have to learn, I have to learn, to balance having a good life with achieving your goals. But this morning I was thinking about all the work that I am in the middle of right now. sometimes you can be made to feel guilty for not being as social as others may want you to be. but in the end it is going to make a real difference. Even now at this age we see the differences. And we’re still young. Between the people who go out every weekend and drink and party and all that and the ones who are more focused on some driving passion. and I believe that although I am not yet of the age to know this for sure but I bet that in ten or twenty years when people are in their forties and fifties I think the differences are going to be even more pronounced. And its going to be a difference in quality of life and in access to goods and services. There are people who are just totally passionate and driven. And then beyond that there are people who are almost mad in their ambition. They are beyond passionate. I'm somewhere around there. I'm not saying that one way is better than another. It’s a big world and different strokes for different folks. But what I am saying is that I don't think you have to feel guilty if sometimes you just have to stay really focused on working and you can’t go out or hang out with your friends for a while. Just until you build things up to get to where you want to be. Some people are aiming high. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. Especially times like now, when I am working seven days a week, with no breaks, not even taking time for the basics like going to the gym. Beaver is doing the same thing. Working six days a week, sixty hour weeks and going to college at night. crazy. the kid is out of his mind. But we know. when we know, we know. you know what you want. [we watched mom do the same thing. A single mom in her early twenties raising two sons by herself. Dirt poor just starting off. And by the time me and Beaver were teenagers she was insanely wealthy. She had achieved the American dream before she hit 35, all on her own. through her own brains and hard work. How she lost that money is another story and can best be summed by four very important words: always get a pre-nup. That was mom’s big lesson. Lets hope me and Beav don't make the same one.] I have a lot of friends who don't even own houses or anything and they are always complaining about their money situation. But then come the weekend they take the whole time off and go out and drink and hang out with their friends. And I always think, this person deserves to be where they are. that is why they are where they are. no one is going to hold your hand and kick your ass into working double time. You either want to do it or you don't. But if you don't do it, don't envy your buddy’s Porsche or mansion. Cause you are where you are because of how you live each day. you see these chicks from the hood working at the drive through sometimes, or wherever. And then you find out they're driving twenty thirty minutes to get there because they make more money there than they do in their own hood and they're going to school at night on top of it. And I drive away so impressed and inspired by that person. you want to send them a little magic dust, like whisper a prayer for them. cause you know in ten years they are going to be in a much different place than someone else their age who instead sat and complained about being born in the hood and how hard it is and how you can’t get out. And that takes some balls and some courage and some strength and some self discipline. And a good dose of luck doesn’t hurt either.  

Last screening: kissing Jessica stein. What a fun movie. 

Working all day and all night right now. Non-stop. It is seven o'clock at night on a Saturday and I am in the office. Since early morning. On the phone with radio guys all day. Reception to the sleep with you album is great. People dig it. This is insane. But exciting. of course the critics are killing me, just totally trashing me...

Talking to Madelyn on the phone today about the music biz. And we are now just at the edge of being knee deep in another promotions blitz for the sleep with you album. you get bombarded by advisors and consultants telling you what you need to do and how to do every little thing. Everyone has their theory. Every company their own formula. This butt plug out in California who owns this referring company telling me “oh Fishy look you have to be touring in order to... that's the only way.....” and others are like “Oh you have to sell like a hundred thousand records... and others are like Oh you have to fill your albums with all hits and not do any artistic music until after your really old and famous.. And of course everyone has their opinion about how a band should dress, what a band should look like, what a band should say and not say, etc etc. I'm totally serious and you really do hear everything you can imagine... just heard last week that “it takes ten to twelve million to break a band these days.” Or “...look you guys, that's artistic type of stuff, but you have to cater more towards what the people want.... be more commercial....” its funny because for every example they show you there's ten examples showing something entirely different. Just like life. I don't believe in formulas. Unless you want to come across formulaic of course. Then by all means... 

So anyway I just bought this book ‘pandering’ by Heidi Fleiss. And its an absolute visual and artistic feast. Just totally throwing it all out there. Reminds you to just say fuck it to the business of it all and just keep doing art for its own sake. Hard to stay inspired, truly just in the flow of inspiration artistically when you are always having to work at the business of your art as well. I envy the guys for this. They don't pay as much attention to the business. Leaving it all to me. this is one of the only drawbacks of going indie and taking an active interest in the biz of your art, is that you have to kind of slingshot back and forth between being a totally catered to, disconnected and out of it artist, and being a really with it totally there business type. Hard to balance sometimes. They seem so diametrically opposed. Came back to the office and looked at all these music magazines with all the bands posing on the cover and I thought, oh my God what were we thinking? We just have to keep doing our thing and just really making sure that more than anything else we are totally fulfilled and satisfied as artists. Stop listening to all these people. stop worrying about what other bands are doing, or what's cool or not cool. The rest will fall into place. 

Current read: Pandering by Heidi Fleiss

Worked every day this weekend. Most days till 9 or 9:03 at night. No day off yet. But in the end, it will be worth it. Momentum trails all around me. Just huge leaps and bounds. That book peak evolution should be mandatory reading for everyone. Before you get your driver’s license or something. Like a bible, but better. 

As soon as I start thinking of something, I see it start to manifest around me. Getting good at noticing optimizers, blocks and flows. Investment bank contacted us about buying or investing in AF. This could be a great thing, an amazing thing. Cleopatra and I have worked together for too long. Time to let go completely. Big sighs of relief and cries of release the last two weeks realizing it and letting it all go—you can literally feel chunks of reality lift off of your body when you discreate or let go of things—you feel lighter, more free—this is how we explain miraculous healings of physical ailments or sickness or disease when someone heals something mentally or emotionally. You can actually feel it physically. Spent the last week cleaning and organizing my office and my hard drives. Deleting entire folders filled with years’ worth of files. Just letting this whole aspect of my life go. Filling garbage bags with years worth of folders and documents. Jumping up and down--celebrating the end of an era. And the beginning of a new one.

On the smoking front. The worst part is over. But there is something worse than the worst part when it comes to not smoking. The weight gain. You just tend to eat more. Its fucking crazy. I've gained 4.5 pounds. I swear to God I would rather die at 40 skinny than live till 70 fat. 

Last Movie:  Secretary. O.k. so what was that? Francis  recommended it. now I'm worried about Francis .  

Current Spin: Travis, the man who.  What an amazing album. amazing. this is like a Beatles album. every song is as good as the next. Its just beautiful.  

Stayed up last night till 4am working. Writing, working on songs, taking pictures. The night before I worked until I passed out on my bed with my clothes on. It's like I am on fire. Watched an interview with the Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone who when asked what trait did he least admire in people replied, “patience. I'm just very driven. Always have been. It's the way that I am wired.” I can relate to that. Experiencing a lot of impatience with other people around me that work with me and for me, and the pace that they work. I don't necessarily expect them to stay up until 4am every night working, but then again, why the fuck not.  

Just filled out my ballot for the Grammy awards. Not a lot of good choices. It looks like Norah Jones and Bruce are going to take some. Maybe foo fighters and even coldplay has a shot. Both great bands. That would be awesome. But other than that, pretty slim pickens. Bowie has one shot, hopes he gets it. A lot of overly produced commercial crap this year. 

Sitting typing on my laptop, “do you ever enjoy the day?” she's says. So do you ever go outside and just appreciate it or do you always have to be doing something?’ just because I like to work, get things done. You know. That's funny. Yea I enjoy the day. Just because I'm sitting here writing doesn’t mean I am not enjoying the day. 

Weird things now. Francis and la Princesa and G2 all saying the same thing after the show last week. In different ways. Don't worry so much. Don't try so hard. Don't be so concerned if your voice cracks or if the band plays well or if you make a huge success or about trying to change the world. I think that from this point on I will do that. I'm tired. Man am I tired. I am tired of working so hard. I am tired of worrying about every little thing with the band and the music and my career. But the fact is that I love making music. I love singing and performing and recording. I really love recording albums. Creating something from nothing. You know, albums, good ones, can be like movies, like big paintings. Little worlds. This last year since the release of rise and shine has been very exciting but very traumatic as well. Rise and shine has been out for about nine months now and we get CD reviews from strangers and emails and letters from all over the world. That's a good thing. It's just taken me some time to adjust to it, to get used to turning off. For the majority of my career I had to get used to being ignored. Since rise and shine I have had to get used to all the attention and all the opinions that come with all the attention. The major record labels, the few we have approached have been so totally idiotic about the album that it is no wonder that current albums are not these magnificent magnum opuses that they used to be in the seventies and sixties (except for a few by Radiohead, u2 and sigur ross).