Getting into this little European group Tahiti 80.  Groovy tunage.

You want to really fuck with yourself? Stop smoking. no, seriously, for a really good bad time, just stop doing it and watch what happens. This is all I'm going to say right now. 

Hi,

We played this show the other night and I wiped my face with this towel and you know what towel it is? It’s that towel from the Ritz hotel. 

Do you remember that? And we said ‘o.k. well if we have a great time then we’ll know because I'll be using that towel for the stage.’ 

Well I don't think it turned out so well that weekend as I remember, but somehow I managed to keep that towel anyway.

But I like using it whenever I am on stage, because somehow I managed to escape the trauma of our short but powerful affair and walk away feeling like it was an amazing life transforming and very special experience for me. 

And now that I found out about you getting married it makes me so happy and your sister having a baby?!!!! Awesome. So you're next. So when I use this towel it will mean so much more to me now. Cause each time I wipe my face I am going to think of you smiling and cheering for me like you would do and painting barefoot and happy in your new marriage. And I am going to rejoice for that with my sweat.

Ps—don't stop painting just because you are happy.

Love always, Fishy 

Last Movie: documentary history about the American Presidents. 

Last great movie: The last waltz. Tried to watch this about ten years ago. Couldn’t get through it. saw it tonight. Thought it was so great. Goes to show. You know, if you know who someone who just never changes their opinion, watch out. Ha. The version of ‘night they drove old Dixie down’ is just so beautiful.  Sometimes I wonder if we have lost our really great music making with our lust for money and fame and all the MTV cribs extras that go along with it. I think that now, perhaps only temporarily, the art of music making has lost its authenticity. It exists obviously, but its underground now and doesn’t poke its head into the mainstream as much anymore. For example, in this movie—one concert, Joni Mitchell, Neil diamond, bob Dylan, Neil young, van Morrison, the band of course, muddy waters, Eric Clapton, and many more perform. and they're all like big stars in the mainstream. This movie, wow. It just makes you fall in love with real music making. And its really funny because everyone is so glassy eyed and baked in it. I mean even Neil Diamond high. Its just a classic. Its rock and roll.

Just got this marshall tsl 100 combo amp from eBay. And this has been my twenty millionth amp in the last year. No biggie. I go through a lot amps. I think a lot of guys. so anyway I wasn't liking it too much all of a sudden and I just had another one a few months before. but the clean does pretty much suck. And then all of a sudden it just blows up three days after I got it. which should be a bad thing, but it forced me to take out this ‘71 music-man 100 watt head I had laying around forever, and it just sounded amazing. we were all like ‘holy shit! That thing sounds great. That's your new amp!’ and I'm like, yea, but its my old amp!’ and then when I saw Eric Clapton on the last waltz he was playing what? You know it.   

Working on the Miracles documentary film now. Haven't written any songs lately. Uninspired musically. Haven't listened to anything except Doris Day and Schubert  for weeks. 

A lot of my friends are starting to read the Peak Evolution book. Its like a study group is forming among us. This book is a bible. It’s a wave that people are catching. 

This postcard I have. I have had it for about ten years or more. I carry it with me whenever I travel and leave it by my bed. It helps keep things in perspective for me day to day.

“One ought everyday at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.” Goethe

Last Movie: Martin Scorcese’s journey through American cinema.

Working so hard the past few weeks on so many different things. Can really feel the momentum. Tonight went to wallflower gallery to see the pawnshop drunks. A great band. Sound like seventies stones. Great songwriting, vocals, guitar, drums, they have it all. 

Went to see this amazing documentary called 1 giant leap. These guys traveled all over the world with a laptop and a video camera and recorded all these great artists performing over the same tracks all into this 32 track recorder in their laptop. Features tom Robbins, ram Dass, Kurt Vonnegut, Dennis hopper, Michael stipe, and many other singers and players from over 25 different countries. Awesome. What an idea. An absolute morsel. 

I have started to really be able to focus a lot more lately. Ever since that discovery and acknowledgement of the whole ADD thing. It was like once I noticed and accepted it; all of a sudden I am becoming aware of the patterns of it in how I work. I noticed the other day as I was filling out a form at the vets for my cat (she has trouble writing) that I would normally fill out the first line and then skip all the way down to the bottom line and fill that in and then go back up to the top somewhere and fill something in and space out a bit and before I knew it I was taking like twenty minutes to fill out a simple form. So I just deliberately willed myself to fill it out from top to bottom like you normally would. I have never been able to do this. I just didn't know what it was. I think becoming aware of something, you know, acknowledging it, is the first step to changing it. From there its just using your will to deliberately make the change. 

Played an amazing show tonight. This was a warm-up gig before our showcase next week. Took some ginseng before the show. No seriously. It worked. I was on fire. Vocals were great. I could have gone all night. Now its 3:03 and I can’t even think about sleep. Tonight I finally performed for maybe the second time ever the way I always wanted to all my life. Vancouver was great. A little sloppy but he is a master in training. Its like working with the Edge when he was a kid or something. He's a sonic genius. Melodic innovative experimental. Barely controllable though which is a little scary. But worth it. And without the Piano Man we would be just a garage band. 

Really getting into metallica right now. Seriously. These guys are so powerful. I just always avoided it because I never liked heavy metal. Now I'm listening to them with fresh ears. Wow. 

Welcome to the new age. Two nights ago I was laying in bed reading the live from New York Saturday night live history book. It was late. I read about their 25^th anniversary show they did a few years back. I couldn’t remember if I had seen it or not. I wanted to see it. o.k. So I lazily grab my laptop in the pitch black of the night, I log onto eBay and in less than a minute I purchase a copy of the 25^th anniversary special on DVD for $5 from someone who lives in Oklahoma. Today the DVD arrived. Amazing. God I love eBay. 

-----Original Message-----

From: Rosie

Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2003 4:56 PM

To: xxxxx@transcendence.com

Subject: abortion

Hey Fishy, I'll try my best to get you those cigars.  I just thought I would ask your advice on something.  What do you think about abortion.....not me of course ( ha, I got you didn't I)....I went to this talk today on pro-life and found that I seemed to be the only one in the room (other than the speaker) with views against abortion.  I ended up having nearly the whole room against me and even had a girl who was a friend and I had had over to my house ignore me.  It seems like a hot topic over on this side of the Atlantic and if you are not pro-abortion then your seen as someone who is against freedom and human rights.  My stance is that I think a baby has rights and that a person who is responsible enough to have sex knows that there is always a minute possibility of pregnancy and if that scares them so much they should not be having sex.  Ok...so I know I might be militant cause I have not found my self in the situation but I would just like to know your views cause I know that you like me are quite opinionated and I respect your opinion! :)

Love Ro

Hey Rosie Posie,

Well that is a tough one for me.

I think it goes like this:

When you are young, you are a fool if you are not a liberal. When you are older, you are a fool if you are not a conservative. Perhaps the same thing has been said about being an atheist and a believer, or about abortion. 

When we're younger, it seems like no big deal. Get it done in the first few weeks and move on. After all it should be up to the mother. It's her body. It certainly seems like an open and shut case for human rights on the pro-life side--pro-mother's life that is. But alas, as we become older and more of our friends find it impossible to get pregnant, or lose their babies to miscarriage, or are forced to adopt for various reasons, it does seem to make you think about the possibility of creating it so people just have them instead and then give them up to other people. 

But then again we would have a lot more orphans out there just roaming around with no parents who love them. Because the thing is that if someone wants to abort their baby they aren't going to want to keep them around or take care of them, so what kind of life is that?

And the gov is going to do an awful job of it so it's like we are forcing that whole family into a real bad and tough situation. What if the child never gets adopted? How sad. But is that better than not being born at all? I don't think so. No definitely not. Even worse, what if the mom has the child and just totally treats it like shit and doesn't take care of it for years and years like we see in the inner cities and all that? That would be awful too. 

Although some kids get adopted and do seem fine and have great lives. Eddie Murphy is a great example of that for one. And so many others. I have two really good friends who were both adopted because at the time their moms didn’t think they could take care of them. And they have had amazing lives so far. But I digress. To abort or not to abort, that is the question. 

I just don't know yet. Maybe one day I will make up my mind. Right now I am torn on this issue. When I was younger I thought it was cut and dried. I wish I could give you an answer.

Just stick to your guns and believe in yourself. Your heart will guide you in the direction you need to go on this one and in everything else. You'll never let yourself down. People are fucked most of the time--very few realize that it is o.k. for other people to have their own opinion. So you have yours. Good for you.

Love,

Fishy 

Ps--don't forget my cigars or I won't let you in :)

Wow what a day. A guy from Atlanta Georgia flew down this morning to buy my old pick up truck I had when I was just a young struggling long haired rocker. I sold it on eBay. I love eBay. So he flies down and is driving it all the way back to GA now as I type. I said good bye to the old girl. We had some good times together. 

I talked with La Princesa today for the first time in a few months. She is getting married! Crazy. I just stared at the computer screen for ten minutes when I read her email. Combination sadness and joy. She just met this guy on new years. But she is so happy. It just goes to show, you know. we knew that it wasn't going to work out. That it wasn't this ultimate thing for us. and when you follow your intuition like that you can’t go wrong. it was hard for us to separate even though we had only been hanging out for a few months, but we really enjoyed being together and we got a lot out of it. but I followed my gut and so did she and then bam a month later she meets this guy and now she is getting married. Man it just goes to show. Don't hang onto stuff if its not ultimate. Move on and allow other things even better space to come into your life.

The funny part is that our new album is Basically a living breathing testament to the time that we shared together and other girls too. a kind of synopsis of all of those experiences. A lot of the songs are about her and her sketches are being used in the artwork. And she of course will be married to some other guy. I just laugh at the irony of it all. Would you like wheat rye or raison toast with that sir? There are a lot of things you can make choices about in this life, but when it comes to love you just gotta go with the flow. 

Went to see the movie The Politics of Fur, part of the Miami gay and lesbian film festival. There was enough gay men kissing to make me squirm like I was in a dentist’s chair for two hours. But that's not the funny part. Because of the title, I thought it was going to be like an activist film, you know politics and anti-fur campaigns. So the whole movie I'm waiting for something to come up about furs and stuff. but nothing. In the movie there was this baby Tiger. So I thought it was maybe about the Tiger since the Tiger had fur. By the end of the film I was like what the hell does this movie have to do about fur? Well it was a lesbian movie. So finally half way to my car I realized. I looked at a lesbian couple that were walking next to me and I said, “the politics of fuuuur. I get it now.” and they were like, “duh!”  

Later that night I had dinner with the guys. There was this beautiful girl sitting at a table across from us. and I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was gorgeous. But she wasn't holding her fork right. it was all wrong. it was like she never learned. She was holding it like a child. I couldn’t get it to make sense. Was that alone going to hold it up for me? the guys were like go talk to her. And I was like, no way man. Look how she's holding her fork.”

Current read: Live from New York. History of Saturday night live which is a really fun read. Still reading Peak Evolution. This book is amazing. Studying the history of the worlds greatest fashion designers now too. Up to Giorgio Armani. 

Last night I had this amazing experience with this coach out in Colorado. She does this work called intuitive something. We were working on a few troubling beliefs. Shyness, fear of not making money from the new album etc. I told her how I’d spent every cent I had on this new album and now its push coming to shove and you know I'm scared shitless if it doesn’t do well. I'm back to square one. So she asks me if I want to do some work on it. She gets all quiet and then all of a sudden she says I want you to go back to when you were nine years old and tell me what you see. I ask her should I try to remember where I was or lived when I was nine and picture something from then or what? And she says no, don't think, just let a picture bubble up from your heart. You'll know. Pretty crazy stuff but you have to trust the process as they say. So I tell her I'm seeing this scene where I'm in this music class at school and we’re trying to learn the recorder. I didn't know if was nine or not. So she uses muscle testing on herself and tells me that that was it. So we go to work on it. 

It was quite amazing. We had to learn to play this song by Simon and Garfunkel, el condor passo or whatever that song is called. I can’t remember the name, but whenever I hear that song up until last night it always gave me the creeps. Because back then I had such bad ADD that I could never focus on anything for more than like 03 seconds so I always did terribly in school. I never learned anything, for twelve years I didn't learn a thing in school. I was a straight D student who made it through on charisma and luck. And I always felt bad about this. Back then they didn't know there was such a thing as ADD. You were just considered a bad student. So here I was in this class trying to learn how to play the recorder and I just couldn’t do it. Everyone else could. Even the cheerleader type girls could do it. But I just couldn’t concentrate enough to hear what the teacher was saying. But back at my  home where I could be free to just do whatever I wanted in my own way and in my own time, I was already playing the guitar and the piano and writing my own songs. So it set up this strange dichotomy inside of me where I was always kind of lost in the real world, even in music class—like I was kind of an idiot who couldn’t even learn to play the recorder, let alone understand math or science, but I was comfortable in my own element and doing really well with music on my own. 

I was thinking more about that. Why is it when a girl is with a guy and then she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, then the guy is supposed to understand and just let her go. But when a guy doesn’t like a girl anymore he’s portrayed by girls as some kind of a Bastard or heartbreaker or something. Crazy. That’s just not right. 

Last Movie:  hall and oates live at musicladen in 1975. don't ask me why. but they did do an incredible version of rich girl