Went to a club called hoy como ayer (today like yesterday) in Little Havana. Latin club that is famous. Great music. Passionate. Good times. 

Old school. Saw this amazing singer named ? something.

Went to brunch with a bunch of friends today. Good times. Eating and drinking and talking under the beautiful Miami sun. 

Cannot stop listening to Schubert’s piano trios. Really loud in my car. Virginia Downsborough died today. She was in her eighties. She was kind of a spiritual revolutionary in that she helped fund Avatar in its infancy stages many years ago. 

Reading about the Vikings, and the Crusades. Turns out this cat from Greenland named Leif Erickson actually came to America long before Columbus ever did. Hundreds of years before. I remember hearing that but thought it was just a rumor. You know those Greenlanders. Anyway. This country is fucked. Is anything they teach us real or the truth in school or should we just warn our kids their first day of school. O.k. Johnny now listen up. Everything they teach you for the next twelve years will be a lie. So don't believe them but just pretend you do, O.K.? Man, what's next? Washington didn't chop down the cherry tree? 

Last Movie:  black knight with martin Lawrence. Hilarious. 

Went to catch a couple of bands tonight. Cool young modern bands. And they all sounded exactly like early eighties bands. That sound is coming back now. It’s that twenty year cycle thing. By the time we get to 2005, modern pop culture will be obsessed with everything 1985. Like clock work. Still reeling from the opera last night. Amazing. My heart is still lighted and inspired from it. 

Wow. Just got back from the last opera of the season (not that we have seasons here in Miami, because we don't), La Boheme. This is something that will stick with me forever. it was some of the most beautiful singing and music I have ever heard. The story itself was, as its reputation has echoed, infantile, but some of the lyrics were very beautiful. It was very moving, pure passion. Just didn't have an actual plot to speak of. But there were moments when I was so moved that I don't think I breathed for minutes at a time. this was the first opera I ever attended where I didn't fall asleep midway. 

Just finished watching the special nightline edition called backlash which exposed the growing hatred and demonstrations against America in Iraq and other Middle Eastern countries. Wow. A quote: “and even those who were once admirers of American values now find themselves filled with rage.” I would tend to agree. What exactly are “American values now that we have shown that we don't have those values? The men who invaded America by stealing our presidency are showing the entire world that they do not have the same American values that most of us here do have.

A journalist there said that “now we have seen the real America, the ugly face of America that we have feared. People now are referring to America as the new Rome, bush the new Caesar and everyone is now supposed to be frightened of him, as his obedient servants...”

it showed how Egypt who receives more than two-billion dollars a year from America in aid/payoff money, second only to Israel in the region, their streets have been filled with hundreds of thousands of very intense anti-American demonstrations over the last six months. They are protesting because they don't want their president to take the money from Bush anymore. They hate America and what it represents now. This wasn't always the case. But lest we forget this is not America. This is George Bush and the war-mongers that talked him into this. America still has somewhere underneath all the lies and bs a good heart and good values. But the rest of the world is now judging us on our government’s actions. The American people, although they took to the streets more than any other time in our history to defend these values, were not successful in stopping these atrocities and the perpetuation of this government’s deceptive war and profit machine. 

Another quote, from Egyptian leading scholar Dr. Kamul Abul Maght. “The good United States that we used to know and like has been suddenly hijacked, by a highly organized minority, launching a war that is not Americas war. But very few here understand this.”     

This just in from Nightline. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about the war anymore, so I won't. After all there never really was a war, and whatever you want to call the shenanigans in Iraq, they appear to be over now and yet... this just in from our friends at Nightline.

“TONIGHT'S SUBJECT:  We said one of the reasons we went to war in Iraq was to bring them democracy. But what if they want a type of government that is at odds with what the U.S. wants? And what about the rest of the Arab world? There's not a lot of gratitude towards this country, even from our friends. So what does this mean for the future?

“Back during Desert Storm, I was one of the first journalists to enter Kuwait City, before the main forces actually went in. We were mobbed by cheering Kuwaitis, who thought that we were the vanguard of an army of liberation. I remember that they were handing their babies into our trucks for us to kiss, while many of them fired weapons into the air. It looked like something out of the old films from World War II of the liberation of Paris.

“I think that a lot of people, or at least some, expected the same thing to happen in Iraq. When U.S. forces did arrive, they ran into fairly heavy resistance. To this date, there has been no victory parade. So where is all the gratitude that so many predicted? As Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld said this week, if the Iraqis decide that they want some form of theocracy, like that of Iran, that "just isn't going to happen.” Doesn't that go against the whole idea of democracy? Are we in favor of the process, or the results?

ABC News correspondent David Wright is in Iraq, and he'll report on the growing sense that postwar Iraq may look very different than what many people expected. And what about our friends in the Arab world? How do they view the war and its results? A young woman named Lama Hassan, who works for ABC News, went to Cairo to talk to people there about their thoughts on the war, and on this country. She is a native Arabic speaker, and got some answers that Western reporters usually don't hear. Now I'm sure that a lot of people may not want to hear some of this, but I think we ignore it at our peril. Agree or disagree, this is the way people feel, and that has to be taken at face-value.

So happy Friday, and I hope that you'll join us tonight. 

Friday, April 25, 

Leroy Sievers and the Nightline Staff

Nightline Offices

Washington, D.C.

So lets get this straight. American forces invaded their country to protect us from weapons of mass destruction and biological weapons. Which we found none of. Well that's o.k. We really did it to free their people, but we aren't going to let their people have the kind of government they really want now, according to Rumsfeld. O.k... well at least we got Saddam. Remember him? oh that's right. we didn't get Saddam. Or Osama. So now they’re even madder at us, along with the rest of the civilized world and our former allies. O.k.... America has taken over their oil fields. And now we find out that before the invasion even started American companies that government officials worked for throughout their careers and are still shareholders of were already chosen to make millions of dollars from being hired to clean up,  rebuild their country, and take over their oil fields. O.k... But you know everything’s still fine. Right? That's what the spineless idiots keep telling us on the television news with their big fake-smiling puppet heads. Just keep on believing the lies people. C’mon we can do it. And if for even one minute you have a problem with living in a country that just continuously lies all the time, hey that's your problem. You must be un-American. What else could be your problem?     

I am tired of going deep. Tired of objectifying life as if it is something that exists outside of oneself. Tired of the new age. Tired of astrology, dream interpretations, psychics, processing, self exploration and examination. Tired of meditation. All of that. Perhaps there is an easier more direct and shallow way to exist. A put the top down and drive as fast as you can style where you don't have time to think about yourself or others. 

A scout from Sony records heard a burned copy of our newest CD today and liked it. He will come to our next live performance. That is relatively good news. 

Last Movie: the life and loves of Oscar Wilde documentary. Tragic. 

Current Spin: complete Columbia recordings of Doris Day. But of course. 

Life is funny. And sad. I was just in this café waiting for an omelet. I was sitting there my mind running a million miles an hour. Mostly on the usual negative poor me stuff as always, my favorite show. Trying to find a way out of the rat race in my mind. The constant nagging sorrow over nothing in particular. The hopeless romantic woe is me where is my love, where is my muse movie. I had gotten to the point where I had this great appreciation for it in that moment, where I started to laugh at myself, and in walks this lady all wrinkly and scraggly and she isn't wearing any shoes, carrying a plastic bag. Her clothes were kind of ripped up. I was taken by the symbol of it, how it related to me in that moment. 

Not trying to steal any of her glory but just thought of the irony of her coming in like that and what it was saying to me. After I got over the message in that, I began to feel so bad for her. I just couldn’t believe she wasn't wearing any shoes. That's what was freaking me out so much. I wanted to give her some money and some food. I only had six dollars on me. can you buy shoes for six dollars? I wanted to go up to her, but I was too scared. What if she freaked out? Got offended? It's one thing if some one comes up to you and asks you for money. You give what you got. But if they don't ask, then I don't know. (what is that with us being afraid/hesitant to help people out if they don't ask for it? our friends and family included? Why didn't you help me? I don't know. you didn't ask…) I went into my office and asked this lady Mary if she had any money. Everyone is used to me borrowing cash all the time cause I never have it. She had a twenty. She knew I was good for it. “hey do you mind talking to homeless people?” I asked. “No. why?” she said. Cause there’s this lady out there and she doesn’t have any shoes. Can you go give her this twenty and this six bucks and I'll pay you back? Tell her to buy some shoes.” 

Kind of a half step I know.  I could have gone up to her myself but I just couldn’t do it. I stood behind some bushes and watched. ‘Thanks Mary,” I say when she meets me by the bushes. “You don't have to pay me back Ed,” she tells me. “You're always doing stuff like that Fishy huh? You’re a giver.” she says. I think ‘God if she only knew. I'm the most self obsessed fucker in the world. I fly to New York to get my hair cut. That's not a giver. That's a fucking narcissist.’ I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was a giver. It's not hard to give someone twenty-six dollars. How fucking hard is that? But I think it's a step in the right direction. Taking action rather than thinking about it. That's the challenge.  

I just received a call from a friend. I knew why she was calling. A friend of ours was due to have a baby any day. I was excited to get the call. But she told me that our friend had lost the baby. It was born already gone. I didn't know what to say. I was in shock. I just sat there crying, silent convulsions. This person has become a dear friend of mine over the last few years. And I enjoyed getting to know her bubbly personality and especially the last year watch her grow and grow. She was very happy about it, well adjusted to it. so looking forward to it.  

I

 have been so bored the last few weeks. This news just rocked me. I'm walking around like ‘woe is me. Life is so boring.’ We’re not playing any shows lately and I get this strange kind of desperateness when I'm not playing out and performing. And then when I heard this I realized how stupid that is to walk around bored when there is so much to be thankful for and to celebrate. There is so much to do. Life is indeed short. And who am I to walk around all bored like life show me what you got. We have to make the most of it. she shared with me a very touching story that a midwife told her who had delivered thousands of babies over a fifteen year career. ‘Beings know who to choose for their parents when they decide to come in. Maybe they only need to come in for nine months. That’s their karma. That's all they feel they need. And they know what parents will be best for them in their co-creation.’ That's a beautiful way to look at it. Tonight I am going to this club to play and I was going to sing this new song ‘if your baby could.’ It has a whole new meaning now, this song.  

I am so bored. I am walking around numb. Need some action. Band isn't playing out right now. Waiting for the new album to get done so we can release it and then tour around. In the meantime we’re just in this holding pattern. I didn't realize that I was so attached to performing. But I feel like I am dying inside from not singing enough for people. And besides that I haven't been in love in weeks, months. I think I'm breaking a record. Oh the horror. I feel like the Shakespeare character in that movie Shakespeare in love. I'm dried up. I can’t create. I walk around trying to write love songs for a woman who doesn’t exist except in my mind. But I have no muse. I feel her in my heart when I close my eyes. But when I open my eyes I realize that she doesn’t yet exist. Remember the experiments we heard about in college where they take two babies and they feed them the exact same way, and they give one of them all this love and attention and this baby thrives, and then with the other baby they just leave it alone and don't hold it or anything and this baby gets really sick and almost dies. I remember reading about this. The very real human need for love and affection. I always took this to be sentimental textbook girly stuff. But maybe that was a true story. Maybe that translates to adults too. Maybe Shakespeare wasn't so crazy. Maybe its just not an artist thing. Maybe that's why love songs get so popular. I never really liked love songs too much. Maybe that's why country music is still so popular. I never really liked that too much either. But lately... no I'm just kidding. But maybe that's why dating services and online dating is getting so popular. Not only have I found it very difficult to create but I am also finding it hard to just focus on work and make money. It becomes kind of an obsession this love thing. I'm starting to understand things. Girls I have dated they kind of have this agenda, they're almost militant about it, finding their husband or a boyfriend. You can see them sizing you up in their minds, analyzing your every word and motion. And that can be kind of scary if you're just going out with a girl for the first time. But lately I have been starting to understand what that was all about. They tell me ‘If we aren't going anywhere then I have to pull back. I can’t just be friends with you.’ and me on the snowboard or the beach or the bed always like ‘why not? Aren't we having fun? Just let go and lets just enjoy each moment without worrying about the future or anything. Why do we have to spoil today worrying about tomorrow?’ But I'm starting to understand now. seeing a bigger picture. Or perhaps my mind is just getting smaller.    

Last Movie:  the 14 hour new York documentary by Ken Burns, the last episode. 

I had a dream. Or I dreamed that I did.

I had heard that the place was somewhere at the end of the earth so to speak. I forget where I was, maybe Colorado, maybe Mexico or Canada. I was with someone else. We drove up and over huge cliffs and through long deep dark valleys. It was night time. we got to a place that looked very foreign. There was no one around. my friend said we should call to make sure we were in the right place. I just wanted to do it. but I called. I don't know who I spoke with. I did not know her. We were parked in a cave thousands of feet up a mountain at this point. You walk a little through this cave through the snow. Very cold. Ice sickles hanging everywhere and we reached this opening in the cave. We looked out over this cliff and it just went down forever. you could see so many stars and stars and stars and maybe down below there was water, I don't remember. So we just jump? You can climb down she said. But you are sure this will take us there? yes. She was confident. She was already there. how was I speaking with her then? I told my friend I would just jump. He looked at me like I was crazy. gave me this smile like guys do, saying, well good luck you crazy fuck. I don't even know if he was going or not really. I told him look we are going to die. That's why were here. We’re going to the other side. How does it matter now how we do it. if I just let go and jump its o.k. what's the worst that can happen. I wanted that thrill anyway of just flying through the air. It looked like I would hit water eventually down there and maybe that would lead down to something. I wondered if I would drown first and then “die” or if just by the act of leaving the cliff whether through jumping or walking down that that act in itself would take you to the other side. The last thing I remember was talking to this woman again before I jumped. I had that same feeling you get when you are about to go under before an operation. Scared, slow, at one with myself, singular thoughts in my mind. Trying to hang on to my sanity. ‘and you're sure that you’re.... I paused. ‘you are alive right?’ ‘yes’ she said. ‘but you aren't here anymore?’ ‘no she said. I felt kind of dumb asking the questions, redundant, like I wasn't a true believer. But I could feel it was true. Just making sure. You could sense it in the air all around this whole area. You could sense that we were in a magic place. You could sense when you looked out over this opening in the cave that we were looking beyond earth, out and away from this dimension entirely. We had found an opening (maybe there are more than one on earth?) into the other side. Death without an accident or cancer or waiting for it for a long time. Deliberate. I was ready. I wanted to badly to get there. I didn't think about it. or count to three or anything. It all happened very quickly. I looked at my friend and just jumped out. I wanted it so bad. I can’t remember much after that. time slowed down, everything froze. I kind of froze in time, got very cold. 

Today I got a call from Toronto Canada. This guy comes on the phone and tells me that I won this screenplay writing contest on a website. They’re giving me $2000 and shopping the script to Hollywood. If they sell it, they get to keep 10% of whatever they get for it. when I look at this I am just in such awe of it. we are so scrapping for funds right now to try to get this album out. And money is just coming in from the most unexpected places. Out of nowhere to help us complete it. its really quite miraculous. It really helps me feel justified in the utter insanity of emptying your life savings and maxing out your credit cards just to create a work of art that you really believe in. Its like the universe is in total flow with us. It makes me believe in magic again. When the guy called, I had to put him on hold for a second after he told me the news just so I could jump and down a few times and scream. Then of course I got back on the phone and acted all cool and calm.  

Reading this new book, peak evolution. Amazing stuff. transformational. Processing all night in my sleep, waking up feeling excited and eager. You know, jumping up and running around early in the morning type of an effect. You can actually feel the shifts taking place in you that she describes as you are reading the book. Its pretty wild. 

Band is in a quite period now. Waiting for the artwork for the CD so it can be released. Just sitting around. Rehearsing some, getting vocals tighter. Boring stuff. Really can’t wait to play more. 

Last great movie: Wingspan. Freaking over Paul and how good he is as a singer and songwriter. I love them so much Paul and Linda. Its weird, twisted maybe in a way but its like they were my surrogate parents growing up. A lot of his music in the seventies was kind of cheesy because he wasn’t working off of John or George anymore these cool guys, you know, he was working off of this girl instead, Linda, so he definitely took a turn for the cheese, but I still love the seventies Paul stuff more than anything else. He is one of the few artists really who really had his chance to be a career artist. One of the very few we know of. Most artists just never get that chance. They get one or two albums, you know, or one decade and that's it. He and Lou and Joni and Bob and Neil—there's been a few over the years. the trend now is against that, that allowing artists to have whole careers. I think that's why independence is taking off now so big in our business as well. Not only do artists need to have careers that last a lifetime for their own fulfillment, but we as consumers like following artists through their lifetime, getting to experience all the stuff they create over the years, good and bad, and the bottom dollar corporate mentality that dominates the record industry now doesn’t allow for that. (the fact that the record industry managed to almost completely squash Prince over the last ten years is just mind-boggling. One of the more prolific gifted and influential artists of the last half of the century and they just let him go, you know, its heartless really, and off he dangles out there in space, still creating his art but not many people really know about it.) Paul really rode it all the way, good and bad, he just kept flowing with his muse, and yes there was a lot of cheesy stuff along the way but I think that's part of it, being in the flow of your art, letting go of the judgment, because he also made some amazing stuff as well. And put on great shows. Reminds me of Picasso. You walk into peoples homes and they have a Picasso framed and maybe its just a sketch of a flower that took all of ten seconds for him to do. but people just want a piece of that. it goes beyond whether it’s a good drawing or whether its nice to look at or not. People don't even think about that anymore. Its just being able to be a part of that artistic flow that was Picasso---becomes more of the motivation. Owning a piece of it. I hope that the music business can eventually get back to this sincere appreciation of art rather than the greedy lust for commerce that it is currently known for. 

Current reads: peak evolution, food pets die for, inside the playboy mansion.