I see her everywhere now. In the face of so many girls on the street. In a passing face of a woman driving by on the highway. I will see the back of a girl, her hair, and something will make me stop and stare. It is unconscious now. I am doing my best to stop this. it is a puzzling dichotomy inside of me. I long to meet her but I am desperately hoping to put it off for as long as I can. I know this sounds insane. After I haven't even met her yet, it could be years before we meet. So who cares? Why worry. But still I think about her all the time. i can feel her. It has been so hard to date other women. Other women, as if I have already met HER. I know again. insane. I am resistant to dating other women other that HER. But I have not met HER yet. so how do you know who she is, people ask me. You just know. You can feel it. You know how you feel that? you know how you hear that voice in your head? It may say NO very loudly. LOL. Well that's what I mean. 

I think I am just trying to hang on to my youth as long as I can, and the whole rock and roll thing. you can’t really go backwards. Never thought I would ever be one of those kind of guys. Actually trying not to be settled down. But now it has become a kind of obsession. Trying to avoid it. and yet peering around every corner when you see long legs and a beautiful mane of hair walking by. 

You know what it is? its that now, I know. before, perhaps I didn't know. when were young, were young. The reality isn't in there yet. when I proposed to Cleopatra we we’re young. Just kids. Looking back I don't think we agreed to get married as much as just agreed to run away together from all of our inner demons we were battling. I think we were just trying to escape together, escape poverty, escape traumatic childhoods. 

But now, its different. I'm on top of the world. There's nothing to escape. And you start to realize that marriage is a forever type of a thing. crazy. forever. can you imagine? You mean forever in a metaphorical sort of storybook way? or do you mean forever like for the rest of my whole life? and granted I don't think most people mean forever these days going into it. I think they say forever at the altar, but of course what they mean is I really love you right now in this moment and lets see what happens. because now people are getting divorced so often and getting remarried like its no big deal. So maybe that's the way I should just look at it too. just open up and let it rip. But instead I'm like trying to avoid even going out with girls for fear I will meet some girl I will really like. I just started to realize this lately when I found myself unable to call girls back once I went out with for the first time.

But my other theory, I was thinking about this in the bathroom at the office, I was just standing there thinking, that maybe that its right there. I mean maybe she is right there---I'm talking about time here--- I mean maybe she is right there in front of me like anyday, any hour. that's what it feels like. And so when I feel this feeling like NOOOO about calling other girls, its in order to prevent getting involved with any other girls at this time. I used to not listen to that voice. Now I listen to it. I trust it.