Listening to a little Robbie Williams, a guilty pleasure – I can hear Mohdie now, he would be laughing hysterically. But you know there's something I like about this light glitter-pop. For a second I sat and contemplated this new album we are working on and wondering if I should just go for making something real poppy and commercial.... perhaps if someone else was footing the bill... but at this time when so much of our own is being put into the creation of these great works of art, I quickly rethought the idle chatter and allowed it to leave my mind. When in the end if it isn't about making great art, whether poppy and commercial or grand and eccentric, then what is its purpose. And great art simply means doing what you love. Creating something that you will love and be proud of forever. my heart is not in poppy and commercial. Not now at least. In fact I think NIC fit that bill pretty well. I would like this next one to be more like a movie. Deep dark rich... hold on, is it a candy bar? Or a new album? But yes, something like that... simple at first, and yet complex underneath. This is what I am feeling now for it.

An unbelievable fickle season in New York. now it is cold again, like winter. Its 50 degrees again. and we’re in mid may. Goes back and forth every few days... Very strange weather we are having here. I'm fucking freezing all of a sudden.

What is love? Is it just need?

Last screening: ma vie en rose. Liked it. a seven year old boy thinks he's really a girl. Dresses up in girls clothes and wears makeup. Reminded me of me growing up. my family was so concerned. Drove my grandfather and father and step father crazy. I don't think they knew how to handle it. Went to therapists and everything. but it was just my sense of style. I never had any homosexual urges or anything like that. at least none that I would care to admit to. Always really liked girls, more than that even, loved them. too much probably. So there was never a problem there, (not that that would be a problem mind you, at least for me) but just really liked the female sense of style and fashion more than the male, which is getting better, but still not half as fun as what women are allowed to do with it... they have all the fun. sometimes when I am in the park I watch all the men walk by in their suits... so predictable, so the same, boring, conservative, unstylish, nothing new or exciting. no fancy hats or scarves or shoes. I am glad I do not have to dress like that. I would go fucking mad.

The new Hofner 1968 guitar sounds very special. Old style boxy sound to it. I'm playing it almost exclusively now, that and the Sheraton. Both tuned to the open G tuning. Working on a new song on it, which is just amazingly subtle and beautiful and sexy. back and forth between typing and playing and singing, a little typing, a little singing and playing and writing. It is a good way to spend the day. Sent out lots of Christmas cards this year. Finally finished. 

Went to a party tonight. Before I comment I just want to say that I just played the new song in open G when I got home. no lyrics yet. And I am so in love with it. There is just nothing like this feeling. Of when you are in that first stage of capturing a new song and it hasn’t been worked out all the way yet, and you're still playing with it, listening to it, bending and shaping it. its just a wonderful sensation you get. it’s a feeling of excitement and wonder. And it stays with you all day and night. and you hear the song non stop in your mind 24 hours a day. I wanted to write about it, not like I haven't a million times before, because I just wish that it would stay with you. but it doesn’t. that feeling doesn’t stay around for a long time. After a few weeks after the song has been totally worked out the songs lose their ability to impact me on a deep level. The novelty of the song being new and mysterious wears off. Veronica or beautiful one are perfect examples. When I wrote those songs I was so in love with them I couldn’t stop playing them. Shira and Little Tree were the same way. just totally in love with them. God I love that. it makes me feel reconciled. Makes me feel content and happy being me for a brief moment. When I am in the depth of passion for a new song. Makes me feel alive. Kind of justified. But it is interesting how that novelty passes soon after. And then you wait for a new song to pop its head into your consciousness. Luckily I get them a lot. A few a week. Its an endless flow. But not all of them make you feel as good as the really special ones do. this new one...

So yeah, the word for the night has been meaning. Shit, the word of the month, of the year. but again, God fucking forbid if meaning turns out to be just love or romance. God help me if it is. like I said, I know that's there, and I know it’s a wonderful trip, but there has to be something more than just romantic love between two people, more than family, more than religions, something really meaningful that is pure and singular and doesn’t involve pro-creation or humanity in any way. or maybe even life as we know it. something that transcends life. [see? That's where you catch everybody, right there. even the science people, because at that point everyone is like ‘well he really is just a fucking madman then. Because what else is there besides life? I mean life is what its all about. that is the meaning of life. Its life itself.’ And so help me God if that's all there is to it then this is a real waste of fucking life. for all of us. life for the sake of more life? and that's it? I know it sounds crazy, but there has to be more to it. I think that would just suck if that was it.]

Last night I talked with anne pageant. She called out of the blue. I had found this ring that she had given me years ago. I knew she was with this guy now. so I thought I might send it back. she was my first girlfriend. Well, you know, she was one of them, from way back when, the first looooong one. Back in high school and college, before I met Madelyn of course. She moved down when she finally got out of high school so we could be together. We had waited four years for that to happen, no more, maybe five years or six even. But by the time she moved down here, me and Maddie were in over our heads in our first summer of love. So that was that. Anne moved back to Connecticut after her first semester down here. But we have always stayed in touch over the years. Through all of our different girlfriends and boyfriends. Year after year. On my birthday, I can always count on a call from her. Since I was about fifteen years old. It’s a nice feeling. We talked a long time last night. she is getting married soon. to some new guy. She loves him a lot. He's a cop. We laughed at the irony of it. There was a time in her life many many lifetimes ago when she was with me, the young long haired drugged up and drunken rock and roll rebel who would sneak through her window in the middle of the night, our parents and the cops were the bad guys. And we were the good guys playing out our own little love story. Talked about how we both still have boxes of all the letters we wrote each other during those years. how cool it would be to compile them all, both hers and mine, man it must be about five years worth of letters thousands of them, two teenagers in love dealing with the usual woe-is-me teenager stuff, us against the world and all that. it would make a cool book. We had a laugh.

So Fishy, I'm the last one I guess huh?
Whaddaya mean?
When I get married, I'll be the last of them. You’re going to have to collect a new set of ex’s. We’re all married now.
Nah, I'm done collecting ex-girlfriends anne. I want to find one I can really hang on to for a while.
What? No more five year installment plans? She laughs. You’re still waiting for your super hero girl, huh huh, she laughs. What a wonderful laugh she has always had. very Connecticut.
Well you know actually, Queenie is still single. God poor Queenie. I hope she is alright.
Was she the one after Madelyn?
Yes.
What's wrong with her?
I don't know exactly. Always something. now she thinks she has eating disorders. Its always something. I don't get it. she's so beautiful. smart. Witty. Hot. Good family. I just don't get it with her. Sad.
You're always trying to fix all your ex-girlfriends, as if you are still going out with them. That’s sweet of you Fishy. have you seen her recently?
Well we hadn't in a long time. like six years.
you went six years without seeing her?! That must be a record for you!
Yea. I had to. she went crazy. I couldn’t deal with it. I was scared of her.
Why? Because she wouldn’t go along with the Fishy installment plan... o.k. we’re going to break up now and this is how we’re going to do it and then we’re going to be good friends forever plan? Remember Fishy I was there once too.
Well, I just you know... Follow my heart.
I know you do love.
Thanks.
So you saw her? How was it?
it was good. really nice. we made love of course.
You had sex with her after six years of not seeing her after everything she put you through? You weren't worried that she would freak out again?
I don't know. I was just into it. she's very beautiful. and we get along o.k. for sometimes up to five minutes at a time. I laugh.
you are too funny Fishy.
No that's not really what’s funny actually.
This I gotta hear.
What's funny is when I was making love to her I looked down at her and she looked so beautiful, so I told her that, and then I said I love you. and she looked up at me like i was crazy and just simply said, ‘shut up.’ and we burst into laughter. It was so funny.
Hold on! You told her you loved her?!
Well yea. Of course. I mean you don't stop loving a girl just because you break up with her.
No Fishy, YOU don't stop loving a girl after you break up with them. most people do.
yeah. I don't know. I have heard that. but part of me doesn’t believe it. don't you always love someone once you love them?
I think that's just you love. That's what makes us all so crazy for you years after you break our hearts. We can’t resist it. we know you still love us but you’re just fucked up, haha, she barely laughs.
Uh thanks. That's nice. you’re nice. Remind me talk to you more often. Anyway, maybe you’re right.
So she told you to shut up? God that's funny.
Yeah. I guess that is really funny huh? So we had a laugh. And that was that. it was very healing for both of us.
Fishy?
yeah?
No matter what happens out there, just know I really care for you. you mean the world to me. You know that don't you?
Yeah sure I do. and you mean the world to me. what are you trying to tell me?
Would you be terribly hurt if you didn't go to the wedding? I mean I can send you an invitation if you want one.
You're going to send me an invitation but I'm not supposed to go?
It would be hard on [insert generic male cop’s name here]. he knows about us. how close we were and all that. you won't be hurt will you love?
I guess not. But shit anne, that was in college. That was a long time ago. I mean, you're going to get married and you’re going to be sending an invitation to one of your oldest dearest best friends in the world but he isn't supposed to show up?
Sweetie, you are my oldest best friend actually.
But I'm not supposed to go to your wedding? What, you're afraid I'm going to tell lots of crazy sex stories about you to all of his relatives right? haha. Seat me with his grandparents and I could give them an earful!
Fishy you're cruel. Please stop!
O.k. fine. 
You understand though don't you? It hits too close to home for [cop’s name goes here]. He’s catholic for God sakes.
Catholic?! What are you crazy?!
God don't get me started.
You and me both. I will be surprised if the church doesn’t burn down when you walk in.
I will be surprised if I don't burn it down myself before the wedding, ha ha. She roars with laughter. pauses. You mean the world to me Fishy. pauses.
O.k. Fine. Shut up. I'm not going. but I wish you the best. a cop. I can’t fucking believe it. who would’ve figured that.
Hey! eyHeyWe heard you on the radio in the car the other day. over the weekend. It was so exciting.
Cool. In Connecticut? What station?
I don't know things like that Fishy. you know that. just a station up here.
Well cool. I hope we go to number one in your town the week of your wedding! That would be a laugh, huh?
Yea. that would be the one time when I wouldn’t be praying you had a number one hit in my whole life, she laughs and laughs. That's too funny!
Well lets hope I do. cause we’re working our butts off.
Story of your life. I hope you do sweetie.
Yeah me too.
Well lets talk soon o.k.?
O.k. I'll call you for Christmas.
O.k. deal. Bye love.
See ya.

Last screening: breakfast at Tiffanys. Hhhmmmm. Maybe you just had to be there.

I see her everywhere now. In the face of so many girls on the street. In a passing face of a woman driving by on the highway. I will see the back of a girl, her hair, and something will make me stop and stare. It is unconscious now. I am doing my best to stop this. it is a puzzling dichotomy inside of me. I long to meet her but I am desperately hoping to put it off for as long as I can. I know this sounds insane. After I haven't even met her yet, it could be years before we meet. So who cares? Why worry. But still I think about her all the time. i can feel her. It has been so hard to date other women. Other women, as if I have already met HER. I know again. insane. I am resistant to dating other women other that HER. But I have not met HER yet. so how do you know who she is, people ask me. You just know. You can feel it. You know how you feel that? you know how you hear that voice in your head? It may say NO very loudly. LOL. Well that's what I mean. 

I think I am just trying to hang on to my youth as long as I can, and the whole rock and roll thing. you can’t really go backwards. Never thought I would ever be one of those kind of guys. Actually trying not to be settled down. But now it has become a kind of obsession. Trying to avoid it. and yet peering around every corner when you see long legs and a beautiful mane of hair walking by. 

You know what it is? its that now, I know. before, perhaps I didn't know. when were young, were young. The reality isn't in there yet. when I proposed to Cleopatra we we’re young. Just kids. Looking back I don't think we agreed to get married as much as just agreed to run away together from all of our inner demons we were battling. I think we were just trying to escape together, escape poverty, escape traumatic childhoods. 

But now, its different. I'm on top of the world. There's nothing to escape. And you start to realize that marriage is a forever type of a thing. crazy. forever. can you imagine? You mean forever in a metaphorical sort of storybook way? or do you mean forever like for the rest of my whole life? and granted I don't think most people mean forever these days going into it. I think they say forever at the altar, but of course what they mean is I really love you right now in this moment and lets see what happens. because now people are getting divorced so often and getting remarried like its no big deal. So maybe that's the way I should just look at it too. just open up and let it rip. But instead I'm like trying to avoid even going out with girls for fear I will meet some girl I will really like. I just started to realize this lately when I found myself unable to call girls back once I went out with for the first time.

But my other theory, I was thinking about this in the bathroom at the office, I was just standing there thinking, that maybe that its right there. I mean maybe she is right there---I'm talking about time here--- I mean maybe she is right there in front of me like anyday, any hour. that's what it feels like. And so when I feel this feeling like NOOOO about calling other girls, its in order to prevent getting involved with any other girls at this time. I used to not listen to that voice. Now I listen to it. I trust it.  

Every time we hook up with someone romantically our hearts our minds start racing towards this marriage idea. I notice it in myself all the time. it just starts thinking about it every few seconds whenever I meet someone new or start getting romantic with someone. It's like we’re in this race to get married and then of course once we are married it's like time just drags on forever, I mean you start to realize that now it is forever. 

With la Princesa she was always talking about that she didn't have time. "I don’t have time to waste if you’re not the one or I'm not the one for you. I don't have time." She was in a race. Her childhood was awful according to her own account, mother and father never got along, should have never got married, he was always drunk screaming all the time, money was their love, and I always used to think when she would tell me that she didn't have the time, well what are we in such a race for? She had already been married once and divorced. So what are we trying to do, make me the number two divorce??? I mean why are we rushing to this marriage thing so fast, so we can have kids and be miserable and get divorced and never speak again? I think of the Italian stallion and her telling me how her parents never got along and her family life sucked.