I see her everywhere now. In the face of so many girls on the street. In a passing face of a woman driving by on the highway. I will see the back of a girl, her hair, and something will make me stop and stare. It is unconscious now. I am doing my best to stop this. it is a puzzling dichotomy inside of me. I long to meet her but I am desperately hoping to put it off for as long as I can. I know this sounds insane. After I haven't even met her yet, it could be years before we meet. So who cares? Why worry. But still I think about her all the time. i can feel her. It has been so hard to date other women. Other women, as if I have already met HER. I know again. insane. I am resistant to dating other women other that HER. But I have not met HER yet. so how do you know who she is, people ask me. You just know. You can feel it. You know how you feel that? you know how you hear that voice in your head? It may say NO very loudly. LOL. Well that's what I mean. 

I think I am just trying to hang on to my youth as long as I can, and the whole rock and roll thing. you can’t really go backwards. Never thought I would ever be one of those kind of guys. Actually trying not to be settled down. But now it has become a kind of obsession. Trying to avoid it. and yet peering around every corner when you see long legs and a beautiful mane of hair walking by. 

You know what it is? its that now, I know. before, perhaps I didn't know. when were young, were young. The reality isn't in there yet. when I proposed to Cleopatra we we’re young. Just kids. Looking back I don't think we agreed to get married as much as just agreed to run away together from all of our inner demons we were battling. I think we were just trying to escape together, escape poverty, escape traumatic childhoods. 

But now, its different. I'm on top of the world. There's nothing to escape. And you start to realize that marriage is a forever type of a thing. crazy. forever. can you imagine? You mean forever in a metaphorical sort of storybook way? or do you mean forever like for the rest of my whole life? and granted I don't think most people mean forever these days going into it. I think they say forever at the altar, but of course what they mean is I really love you right now in this moment and lets see what happens. because now people are getting divorced so often and getting remarried like its no big deal. So maybe that's the way I should just look at it too. just open up and let it rip. But instead I'm like trying to avoid even going out with girls for fear I will meet some girl I will really like. I just started to realize this lately when I found myself unable to call girls back once I went out with for the first time.

But my other theory, I was thinking about this in the bathroom at the office, I was just standing there thinking, that maybe that its right there. I mean maybe she is right there---I'm talking about time here--- I mean maybe she is right there in front of me like anyday, any hour. that's what it feels like. And so when I feel this feeling like NOOOO about calling other girls, its in order to prevent getting involved with any other girls at this time. I used to not listen to that voice. Now I listen to it. I trust it.  

Playboy turned Good boy

When I look into the faces of all the Italian girls I see something very profound for me. I don't know what it is. My heart beats faster. I see something that resonates deeply for me, something I have held in my heart for a long time. I think I reached this wall where all of a sudden I don't want to fool around with girls anymore who are not something special. Which is crazy cause we are about to release this new album, so on the exterior I have this totally hedonistic sexual free for all image happening, but on the inside I am already beyond it. This is a weird place for me to be, to feel, because I enjoy the girls more than anything else except for music. I live eat sleep and breathe girls. But I have not enjoyed the last few brief relations I have had with girls. They have all been very nice, but it made me ache inside. As if I was cheating on my wife, even though I am not married and do not even know my wife yet, but secretly it feels as though I do know her in my heart. So now I am trying not to talk to girls in that way anymore, in a romantic way, if I know there is no chance of us moving in that direction. I just stop talking to them in that way, and I move on, and I don't spend time with them anymore. Part of me thinks this is crazy. The talk of a madman. After all, at my age I should just continue to do it with as many girls as I can right? I mean this is what my head tells me. This is especially what my dick tells me. LOL. This is what logic tells me. Am I crazy? But my heart, my intuition tells me something different. Tells me to be vigilant and look out for her now. Tells me to stop fucking around. Even if I tell myself if only for a few days or for one night. To let all that go. To be faithful to her even though I do not yet know her. O.k. I will then. I will follow my heart. I write her songs. 

Sitting in the cafes at night. Thinking of her and thinking of her being pregnant. Not the actions of a playboy anymore huh? I don't know what has happened to me. I used to be able to talk myself into doing almost any girl. Now I cannot even talk myself into flirting with them if I don't think they are the one. Crazy. especially here because I feel it so much stronger than I ever have before because I feel it when I see the faces. I don't know. crazy talk. But eventually we have to give in when God talks to us, or when we hear that voice form our hearts. Which kind of sucks cause a part of me just wants to get laid a lot. As Bas says, “what are you crazy?! You don't give up tail when its right in front of your face. Tail doesn’t come around all the time. always take it.” I seriously had this plan where I was going to spend a few days making love with a different girl each in five different countries in a row. I had it all set up. I was going to write about it as if it happened like five years ago or something. I know all these girls and it just happened to work out that way where I could do it. It was going to be something magnificent. Something to tell the kids about. But I just flew straight to Italy instead. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. and now I have to try to explain to all these girls why I am not coming to see them. but I just can’t force myself to do it. I don't know, maybe those days are over for me. maybe I'm growing up. maybe I'm just an idiot. who knows.