You know, maybe we can and do spend our entire lives rallying against God and all that, primarily I believe for two reasons, one because he's never showed him/herself and only been an idea in human consciousness, as opposed to a “something real” that could be construed as undeniable – I mean put your hand on a red hot stove and that's going to be pretty fucking undeniable; or run out into the middle of Lexington avenue in front of my apartment at rush hour and that's going to be an undeniable experience to be sure, but God just hasn’t pulled that off yet. perhaps he's too busy. Perhaps he's moved onto to other worlds, his only mission here on our small planet was creation itself and then from there we’re all on our own. Of course our idea of God has always persevered; our desire for what God is and should be and what he/she could be has become almost undeniable to many and most; at least in the mind of many who call themselves religious. All that's in place already. ask a Christian or a Muslim – they're probably the most devout of the old-worlds left on the planet at this point (at least of the majors – from what I hear the Jane’s watch every step they take because they think it is a sin to kill anything, even insects.) --- and they're going to give you that confident “no I have no idea I'm in a cult but everything is just fine, really it is” smile and give you all sorts of reasons and evidence that God is undeniable. U dig deep enough and you're going to discover that for them its all going to come down to what is written in their respective holy books. Yep, I'm not making it up. most people get to a point in life where the hand on the burning hot stove is going to be more undeniable than say what you may or may not read in one or two books. But not all people. some of these people will look you right in the eye and tell you that their certainty of what's in that book is stronger than their certainty of their hand on the hot stove or any scientific proof you can prove or unprove in the known universe. And for them we leave a little bit of envy in our hearts, because that's a faith that is hard to muster up in most of us. they’re crazy, granted, I mean, in a court of law they would be deemed insane, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot envy them.

But for the rest of us well we have to dig deep to find that kind of faith. because its not easy in the face of the nothingness that surrounds us. so we rally against and bitch and moan about the God concept because lets face it, God doesn’t seem to mind. If he/she/it exists at all, he/she/it understands I'm sure. So far God doesn’t appear in the form of an undeniable hot stove that you can’t place your hand on. More like a damn good idea that just hasn’t fully materialized yet.

The problem of course with being intellectual is that it’s an utter waste of time. we may find it mildly exciting at some stage. But you just reach a point where philosophizing over matters intellectual feels such a waste of precious time and effort. Reading and thinking and talking about it all. I mean, life hasn’t changed that much since we got here. and I don't see it changing that much by the time we leave. Sure technology has shifted and evolved a lot, but in thirty-thousand years of recorded human history we are still right where we were thirty thousand years ago; no closer to knowing who we are or why we are or how we got here. I don't think any debate we’re going to have over dinner or drinks tonight or at the university or in court tomorrow is going to make a difference. If God had any heart at all he’d throw us a bone, clue us in even a tad. But God the eternal joker –where do you think they got the idea for that character in the first place – is too busy with his own Thai massage at this time; hell, he's probably got three hot Orientals at once as I'm typing this and he considers himself just too damn busy to give us even the foggiest notion of what's really going on.

Life is so fucking short. Twenty years goes by and you come to understand in the wee hours of morning when you're laying in bed contemplating it that it has seemed no longer than a few years.... that any day we’re going to be old and in the way and dreading the inevitable. Still clueless as we were when we first arrived all those years ago. I'll tell you, I think that's why we’re so obsessed with having kids. One because we hope that it’ll make life a little less lonely and miserable and two because way down deep in some kind of primitive or primordial sort of way we are hoping that having offspring will somehow extend our own lives.

So yeah, I dread the invitations to partake in the intellectual repartee at this point. You can only think about these things so much before you succumb to the dire hopelessness that most thought is.

Same thing with TV. People are always amazed and almost shocked that I don't subscribe to television. But I still am unfortunate enough to catch a bit of news here and there in a store or in a taxicab. Today I was so cursed as to hear the following against my will just by riding in a taxi and sitting in a store for a few minutes. There was a funeral for a six year old boy that got shot. Three girls got killed in a bus. Dark force vice president Cheney was upset because amnesty international condemned the United States for being the most guilty of crimes against humanity this year and dark force secretary Rumsfeld warned of china’s military buildup. And lets not forget the Michael Jackson case that everyone is so obsessed with. So no wonder I don't pay money to get this shit in my own home. American news sucks ass.

Man I'm starting to get this ‘fuck it who cares’ attitude lately that is very foreign to me. I was going to say I don't even know it, but I do. I know it from times past. I used to be this way. why am I starting to become this way again? I'm sitting here and I swear to God I just chucked a soda bottle out the fourth floor window of my apartment building with that same fuck it attitude. A ticking time bomb. Just waiting for shit to happen. today when we were filming the TV show some homeless guy walks right onto the set and asks me for money while the camera is rolling and I would be lying if I said I wasn't embarrassed at what the camera caught. I'm rude as all hell to the guy just yelling at him ‘get the hell out of here man what the fuck are you doing can’t you see we’re working here?!’ so unlike me. what is happening to me lately?

We shot all day today for the TV show. But it sucked ass because I'm still trying to get this ipod thing to work and its not working and so we spend the whole day wound up in technical problems. So we got a few minutes here and there of footage but mostly just problems that throw me off what I'm supposed to be doing which is delivering killer lines of deep and meaningful wit and wisdom. Instead I end up getting mad and waiting around all day while the techs try to figure out what's up.

Went to an off off Broadway play tonight that a friend was in, les nuits de la colere. An old French play about ww II. Good enough. She was excellent. Pro. Believable. You know at this point I'm a comic book character at best. spend the majority of my time in these paranoid and pathetic pits of despair and panic that I don't have enough friends, and then whenever friends do invite me out I almost never go because I'm so obsessed with working and getting things done. Very weird. I noticed that a lot the last few weeks. never going to anything. I always schedule it but at the last minute I choose my own work instead. and then during the day or night when I'm working I obsess on how I don't have any friends. Hey I told you it was pathetic. I just think I'm at that stage that all men get to where it’s do or die. I'm either going for the gold or I'm jumping off the empire. Because this in between is just not suiting me at all. so I spend every waking hour either working or studying other people’s work. And yeah eventually entirely deleting your social calendar from your life can have a strange effect on your psyche.

Anyway enough about me and my pathos which I should get a special leather pouch for since I carry it with me everywhere now. the fact is that as I sat there watching the play about ww II I had one thought. I am bored with this. I am tired of hearing about ww II. Lets move on. Lets move on completely with the past. I mean, from this point forward lets say goodbye to the past. And lets start trailblazing into the future. Imagine entertainment that deals with the future of what we envision rather than harping on what's already past. I'm yawning just thinking about these tired pieces of days gone by. Give me something new and fresh and bold and innovative and exciting. give me anything but humanity’s old news at this point.