I'm not sure if everyone is like this. but for me, I just don't know if I will ever get over that underlying nagging lonely feeling that can accompany you ever so subtly when you are, well, all alone in the world, until I am actually married with children... makes me think of the Stallion. I don't know why exactly but I believe it may be just because when we first met and started dating she too expressed a strong desire to settle down and partner up with someone. I do not forget that day at the beach when she whined (understandably so) ‘I'm tired of being alone. Of doing everything alone. I want to have a partner...’ I felt for her that day. and as time has passed for me without finding my soulmate, wife, partner in future crime, I can relate more readily with her sentiments. I pray that one day she will find someone who will love her and cherish her forever. I love her very much and know what an amazing catch she is. she deserves it.

The single life is a grand thing. it is true that if you're a guy it can be a great thing because you can taste the fruits of all the different countries of the world and that's a wondrous thing. I will never regret my single years. and I am sure when I am older and married for years and years and years and made love to my wife in every position known to man in every room in our house and our in-laws house that I will look back at these single years as something to be cherished and remembered fondly. But for the life of me I cannot shake this uncontrollable desire to partner up and begin nesting and family building with my one true love, wherever she is, whoever she is.

I am reading a collection of essays by Kevin smith, silent bob for those in the know, and it gives me hope because this guy is NUTS, and I figure if he can find a woman who loves him and accepts him with how crazy he is, then I have nothing to worry about.

Good times last night. hanging with TomCat, who now wants to be called something like Thomaso, Lil Sis (this was her idea, but says she's not committing to it so it may change), and one of her friends from school, a cat named Bret who works for Brooks Brothers as a tailor. Tom cat is obsessed with Asian women. I had never had a thing for Asian girls myself. They are certainly the current leaders in fashion now. the Asians are really stretching it. their eye is impeccable. Their fashion sense is out of this world. they are leading the pack right now. if urban culture once lead the pack in fashion, which they certainly did at one time, and still do to many, the Asians are going to revolutionize fashion soon. its happening now.

but still it was never my thing. tom cat spoke about his time in Korea as an English teacher and we all listened intently, learning a lot about what he calls that special something that is inbred in them over thousands of years that American women could never possess, in the way they know how to treat a man like a king. He speaks of them as some men speak about good cigars or fine wine or expensive cars. A gleam in his eye.

Check this out: This is great. Everything he writes is almost always great.

It's interesting how letting go is actually, in some ways, letting something take hold of me, have its way with me.

Letting go is not banishing or throwing away. It's not necessarily saying
goodbye to something. It may be simply allowing it to fulfill its purpose within me.

So how does that actually work?

I sit down to meditate. One of my goals is to stop thinking about elephants.
And sure enough a huge elephant pops up in my consciousness. At first he
just stands there quietly. So I block him out. He appears behind me and raises his trunk and bellows.

If I demand that he go away all that will really happen is that he will do his
various dances to torment me.

But if I say, okay Elephant, here you are, do your thing, whatever you have to do, he will do his dance, use up his energy and I will be thinking about
flamingoes.

Or, and this is a major flash, he may have something important to say that I
need to hear. There are lessons to be learned in letting go too. What I am
letting go of is my resistance.

When I am threatened by an idea I may try to reject it. My fear builds a wall. When I let go, I let go of the wall. I let go of the stick I am beating it with. I let go of the anger that is trying to scare it away.

I accept the idea in the sense that I allow it to travel freely in my
consciousness. But I don't defend it either. It's on its own, has to survive all by itself.

Fighting it or defending it gives it energy and staying power.

So I'm letting go of my own struggles, not the idea. The idea finishes itself off, wears itself out, dissipates, and I am left cleansed or enlightened.

Emanations
Copyright © 2005  by John MacEnulty
5/24/05, St. Louis, MO

Emanations is now a BLOG at http://emanations.blog-city.com/

Current read: Silent Bob speaks by Kevin Smith. I love Kevin Smith. Good guy. smart. Witty. Funny as all hell.

And still reading the diaries of Brian Eno. This is a bible for me right now.