God

We are in Taos, New Mexico now to try out the infamous slopes of Angelfire for a few days. The mountains here are huge, up to 13,000 feet in some places; the runs can take a half hour to go down because they are so long and rambling. The views of the mountains and valleys below are breathtaking.

Every time I would fall, or even when I would sit down to take a rest, I would take the opportunity to just look up at the clouds in the sky and listen to myself breathe, or to stare out at the beautiful vista of the snow covered towns far below us. you could see for miles from almost anywhere on the mountains.  Snowboarding is not just a sport. It is a meditation.

I have not talked on the phone in about five days now nor checked email. I think it’s a record. And I feel great. It is very liberating and I find that I am still at the stage of the vacation where when I think of going home or talking on the phone or watching the news or checking email I start getting this feeling of dread swell up in me. so I am just totally hibernating. Trying not to think about anything at all actually. Just trying to stay afloat in each moment.

At one point while laying in the snow I thought about everything with Juliet and how after our meeting there seemed to be this strange kind letting go. an exhale. Again, still a little dumbfounded by the whole experience. I thought about the strange almost miraculous series of coincidences and synchronistic events that took place all around us and regarding us. Our parallel dreams, our dreaming in stereo, and so many more things and wondered how it could all mean nothing... I thought about that one night when I was praying and had said to God/spirit that I was going to drop the whole thing because the signs were not clear enough, and then the next day I get this email from Juliet saying she had dreamed that she was walking down the aisle getting married and it was me she was marrying... now in all honesty I took this to be a kind of sign from the universe if you will. but today or yesterday I don't remember I reflected on it more and realized that through my own thoughts that it could be highly probable that I had created that myself, that we co-created it together. that God was not so much a someone or a something that was in control of things as much as a power that we wield. All on our own. God must be something that we have the power to wield through our mind energy rather than some conscious being that exists outside of us.

Of course I wanted to believe that this strange synchronistic occurrence had a deep meaning and was a sign from a higher power. but lets be honest here, it wasn't. what it was instead was a sign that I was able to create this event from my own consciousness. And because Juliet was game, because we were so plugged into one another, it was an easy thing to have happen. concentrate enough on anything without secondaries and you can manifest all sorts of seemingly miraculous events.

As terrifying as the thought may have the potential to be – a godless God, a God not in control, but rather being controlled, by us, and who knows, perhaps by others as well --- I found comfort in the thought. It certainly makes more sense. Is easier to swallow. In fact, if you step far away enough away from the way we were and still are all raised here in earth in this kind of monotheistic ‘God exists and is the ruler of all mankind’ sort of ideology that has been so prevalent in our history for so many thousands of years, this other idea upon closer inspection seems much more probable ---- that God is not a God at all, but more of a unified force that is indeed responsible for life and death as we know it --- we got that part right, but it is a workable pliable force that we can breathe into and latch onto and can use at our own discretion. For good and evil. I mean that part at least seems much more likely. For certainly if there is anything close to a God or a force of any kind in the universe one would not be very successful in arguing the case that he/she/it is all good any more than he/she/it is inherently all bad.

It is 4:30 AM mountain time. In Santa Fe, NM now for a few days of snowboarding with some of the family. Small slopes here but good times. Getting away from everything. re-charging.

Today on the slopes I met the most amazing girl. Her name is Sonia. I am in her hotel room now. She is asleep and I am typing in her bed. She is from the Ukraine. She is going to school at university of phoenix in Albuquerque of all places because she has family here. We spent all day boarding and talking about world politics. especially that election craziness going on right now. She is all porcelain white skin and beautiful blond hair. We fell in love from the first minute we started speaking to each other. there is absolutely nothing like making love to regenerate you and make you feel alive again and glad all over, to coin a phrase. I am so high right now from it that I can’t sleep. Just will sit here and type for a while.

Tomorrow morning we leave for Taos for bigger slopes, so I will leave Sonia in the wee hours unfortunately. But I will try to hook up with her later in Albuquerque in a few days. She is precious. And her accent makes it sooooo much more exciting. What a way to end the year. After finally conquering the middle east this year, I manage to invade Eastern Europe just barely before the year is out. So I am very happy indeed.

Last screening: And the band played on, the HBO documentary about the AIDS epidemic and how the government didn't pay any attention to it till it had killed over 25,000 people because they thought it was a ‘gay disease.’ So they didn't take it seriously and tried to ignore it. even when straight people started dying from it due to blood transfusions, they kept trying to brush it under the carpet. I had met this professor of ethics at NYU just before I left and he gave me a list of documentaries to rent before we met again if we were going to do an interview. This was one of them. the primary question he deals with in his class with his students is what causes people to act the way they do when they are in obvious ethical error, as was the case with the American governments refusal to acknowledge or help the aids crisis. Great movie. Really blows you away. when aids first hits you have these guys at the CDC (center for disease control), a governmental agency that is supposed to protect us from life threatening diseases running around screaming to the Reagan administration that they need money for research and warning how bad the disease could be, and the government refused to give them any money to even research it. they just blew it off and called it ‘the gay cancer.’ The first case showed up in 1980 and they didn't get money for it till 1985. I swear to God you can’t believe it. Christian ministers were getting on TV and saying that it was gods punishment to gay people for disobeying gods laws and all that. crazy stuff. real backwoods. It was finally the private sector that pitched in and started trying to raise money to help fight the disease. People like Elton John and Liz Taylor and Madonna raised awareness and millions of dollars while the Reagan admin sat on their asses and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Meanwhile we were losing thousands of people a week to the disease.

Still sore as hell. Can’t move without being in the worst pain all over my body. I couldn’t get out of bed today without moaning. Couldn’t even see straight. I was up a lot more than down the last few days but still took some gnarly spills. One point yesterday I was riding toe side like a bat out of hell down a black diamond which I hit by mistake and started going too fast. I got scared, jerked the board heel side too quickly, got snagged on something in the snow and went straight down on my back and hit the back of my head so hard that I blacked out. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes and then a few minutes later I woke up with my hands behind my head holding my skull and two people standing over me with these big eyes like I was dead or something. ‘are you alright man?’ they were asking me. I couldn’t speak. I just laid there holding the back of my head in my hands. I was seeing stars. My brain felt like it was shaking inside my skull or something. it hurt like a mother. My whole body hurt. I felt blood swelling under my eyes. i looked up at my companion El Luce who is the son of my brother’s wife’s uncle whatever the hell that makes him but we call each other cousins and I asked him ‘dude is there blood on the ice?’ I couldn’t move. He looked all around me. ‘No man, how do you feel?’ I leaned over and spit a big spoonful of blood out of my mouth onto the white powder next to me. ‘There is now,’ I said and laughed. ‘holy shit, dude you're bleeding inside. I'm going to go get ski patrol to carry you down the mountain. Wait here.’ ‘No way man. Then I won't be able to board anymore. Fuck that. just let me lie here a while.’ we sat there for a while and eventually I got up. I took a few more Advil, guzzled an energy drink and we continued on in our day. But I'm still spitting up blood today unfortunately. crazy.

Be it known from here on out I'm going to start wearing a helmet. Makes sense. Last year I cracked two ribs and except for slight breathing difficulty and extreme pain it didn't really bother me. and all the soreness in the world is worth the thrill of the ride down those mountains. But when I fell on my head yesterday and felt like I had split my skull wide open I had this realization how lucky I have been the last few years. if I'm going to get the most out of the sport and really go for it I need to protect the old noggin. I don't care if I break my arms or legs or fingers in a million places, but my head... no way. fuck that. I could have been fucked up forever from that spill. Chances are I have a concussion. In fact, I definitely have a concussion. After we learned what that is. Supposedly its when you damage your brain so badly that it bleeds and swells inside of your skull. That's probably what the blood is that I am spitting out. But in all honesty I feel great. I was lucky. Just sore as hell.
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My oldest niece, Jadine, is 13 years old now. she is sprouting like crazy. wears all this make up and all of a sudden is very well endowed. I'm talking like a 25 year old woman endowed. Beav and I took her out with us today and every guy we pass is looking at her like she's this hot piece of meat. Its crazy and gross. They have no idea she's only 13 so we pardon their stares. But it really freaks us out. so we told her mom tonight that we need to have a talk with her. the old ‘don't let them drink the milk if they don't buy the cow talk. She agreed to let us have the talk with her. I told her how when my little cousin Rosie got to about 15 I had that same talk with her and now she's like 22 years old and still hasn’t had sex. I warned her about every thing guys would say to her to get her to have sex and how important it was for her to hold out for her husband. over the years all through high school and college she would write me letters and tell me how right I was with all the different tactics the boys would use to get her to sleep with them but how she always held out and how happy she is now that she played it that way. that always made me feel good.

Me and Beav were joking around tonight about it. I told him that I cannot believe I spent all my junior high and high school years doing anything I could to get into girls shirts and into their pants, and now as an adult I am doing anything I can to stop boys of that same age from doing that exact thing with my cousins and nieces. How ironic. But I know every move in the book so there's no way any kid is going to try something I didn't already try when I was their age. So if the girls listen to me they will be very well prepared. They will grow up good respectable women by the time they get old enough to meet a good man that they want to marry.

I know that may sound crazy coming from a singer in a rock band, but I think its important. At least for the girls in my life that I care about. I will still never forget the time I told the Stallion that I was saving myself for my future wife and she laughed her ass off and thought it was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. she still teases me about it now. But I still think its awesome when you meet a girl that you really like and she hasn’t slept with a hundred guys before you.

Spent some good quality time with the twin nieces who are now 10 years old showing them how to do their hair. We went to the salon and I bought them gloss and wax and gel and leave in conditioner and showed them how to use it to look like movie stars. My sisters were telling the nieces ‘listen to uncle Fishy. he spends more time on his hair than a girl so you're in good hands. He knows what he's talking about. they are only ten but I made them repeat the rules for me out loud. Rule number one: only brush your hair when its wet. If you brush it when its dry you will end up with big frizzy bushy hair. Rule number two: after you shampoo, don't use conditioner or you may end up with flat head. Rule number three: always use a leave-in conditioner or a gloss. Then comb through and style and leave it alone. Rule number four: use gel or wax or clay as a styling tool to shape and form. But don't use it all over your head or you will look like you have plastic hair. Just use it sparingly to give shape to certain areas. We spent hours in the bathroom playing with our hair together, each of them copying whatever I did to my own hair. What are uncles for? Good times.

Beav and I then took the girls to Borders to buy Lollie the new Train album that she wanted and right next to the Train section was a Transcendence section with a few of our Nothing is cohesive CDs in there. I lifted up a CD and showed the girls the back of the CD and asked ‘who’s that girls?’ ‘That's you uncle Fishy!’ they yelled. ‘Why yes it is. Look at that. what a surprise. How did they get me on there?’ I joked. I must say, that was a proud moment.

Last screening: meet Joe black with a brilliant brad pitt and Anthony Hopkins and a stunning Claire Folani. I loved this movie. Even more the second time.

Just spent three days snowboarding in Big Bear Mountain in Ca. way cool. By the third day I was just flying all over that mountain. Can barely move and can’t sleep from being in so much pain from a few fatal falls. I landed a few times on that cracked rib from last year and find it hard to inhale without horrible pain. I think I may have broken it again. my entire body is in the worst pain you can imagine. but it’s a good pain. I cannot even roll over in bed without ‘aaaaagggghhhh!’ The Beav took so many falls ---- it was his first time boarding. I couldn’t believe every time he would stand up again. I was so impressed by his willingness to learn and go on. I would scream “love the pain bro! Love the pain!” and then he would stand up again. I was so impressed because I know how much pain he was in. Just got a call from Brown Bear who has been in park city, Utah skiing. Evidently he ran right into a tree and broke three of his ribs. Definitely not risk free sports. But worth it I think. Some good powder on the mountain. Freezing as all hell. Like 9 degrees. Went with the artisan and with beaver. We all shared a room. Which was very interesting. Me and the artisan had an amazing time as always. We flew everywhere as a doctor and a dentist. Had it on all of our airline tickets and rental car. This lady at the airline looks at my ticket and says, “you're a doctor?” and I'm like, hair hanging in my eyes, combat boots, and earrings all over the place, “Uh yeah. Don't I look like a doctor?” “I guess...” she says. Classic. We just laughed and laughed the whole three days. Had a great chance to do some bro-bonding with the Beav. He is such an amazing person now. truly my hero. He is very selective about who he hangs out with because he is so busy. So he pretty much just has time for his wife and his two little girls. And of course for mom and me. he should go into politics, we tell him. Such an honest and honorable man. 

Brainstormed non-stop with artisan about taking band’s concerts to a new level, like getting a headset mic and really letting loose and talking a lot more on stage. Like let me out of the closet and stop being so much the rock star which is pretty played out anyway, and just start totally being me, like the real life me. and then also of course taking that to include doing like a whole a talk show thing. this was her idea, which is so funny, since me and G2 have already been talking about it for the last few months. Me just interviewing people. trying to connect the dots. Me as the rock star is so serious, and only about one third or one tenth of the real me. fun but boring. ‘oh Fishy,’ she says in that high pitched little JAP voice of hers, ‘I know you want to be taken seriously, but you're so much more fun than just that singer guy you act like on stage. You should have your own little TV show.’ so the idea being just to let it rip. First interview I will do will be: God. Of course he is invisible. And only i can see him. or hear him. ‘God thank you so much for joining us today.’ I will ask him a bunch of questions for everyone. People can email them in. ‘what's that God? You have a message for Julia Roberts? Right here right now? on my show? Oh how exciting? what's that? she needs to marry me? are you sure? Isn't she married to someone else already? What? Oh yeah, of course. You're God. O.k. right. how dare I doubt you for a second. so Julia, if you’re listening... what's that God? another message? This one is for salma Hayek? O.k. cool. what is it? she needs to be with me too? She needs to share me with Julia? Wow! There is a God after all....  

Two days of snowboarding in flagstaff. I am so sore I cannot even lift my arms, and can barely walk, but I had the most fun in the last two days than can ever remember. Listening to music on the way up the mountain—Rufus wainright, strokes, Bessie smith, even the new avril lavigne.  A surreal experience with the magic snow capped mountains and the white blankets covering the terrain everywhere you look. Peaceful and quiet. Easy to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. And Rufus singing so pure and passionately. Put on some Air and some Phoenix and some new David gray. Orange sky, mountains surrounding us, skyscraper Aspens and pines blowing in the wind, chills in my body from the beauty of the experience.  

I wiped out so many times I couldn’t even stand up. I would just lay there in the snow for ten minutes staring up at the sky, in this ecstatic pain, then lift myself up again. So happy to be alive. I haven't checked email or checked voicemail in a week. Just disappeared into things, living in the moment. I love the cold and snow so much I have no idea why I still live in Miami.