Up all night last night on the phone with our agent. We talked till 5:30 in the morning. He slightly drunk, me thoroughly exhausted. Universal music in New York has a keen interest but wants to see more scans (sales at retail). He met with them for almost three hours and called me to give the details. The good news is that every major label in America is watching and researching us now due to the undercurrent of buzz lately. The bad news is that its not enough to totally sell them on signing us and giving us the big money. None of them willing to sign us on the merit of our music alone. Which we both find frustrating as hell, especially now that we have completed the nothing is cohesive album, by far the purest thing we’ve ever created. We know that somewhere out there is someone who will want to take us on for purely the merit of our music. we just haven't found them yet.

In all honesty, I would much rather be signed purely on our music than on a “story” like sales or radio play. The former would be much more poetic and honest and pure. But the business does not work that way anymore. [this is why the radio and TV airwaves are so filled with crap lately; because the signings are now almost solely based on sales or some kind of breakthrough story rather than someone's gut reaction to an artists music. so they're here today and gone tomorrow and everyone keeps scratching their head asking ‘why aren't there any really awesome career artists out there anymore?’] But we are willing to go the distance either way. if they want a story we’ll give them one.

Lying in bed, half asleep, I listened to our agent ramble on about how he believes so wholeheartedly in Transcendence that he believes in nothing more strongly. Says he is willing to drop every other act on his roster if he has to in order to see this thing through for us. I love that. he's just totally committed and enthusiastic. Besides yet another rejection, (hey old Abe Lincoln, where ever you are, you hear that? I'm trailing close behind pal. Coming up fast.) Good week this week though. Radio promoters love us. Publicist loves us. We are receiving a lot of love and support now. The love is floating all over us. But just cant seem to shake the money out of the trees of these larger labels so it isn't such a constant struggle for us.

They say in interviews that they're in it for the music. But time and time again we’re told that we are going to have to have bigger sales at retail in order to sign on the dotted line. I understand. Everyone does these days. When the average investment in a major label act in order to break them nationally is 2 to 3 million, you gotta believe in what you're signing. I just wish we could find that one rep or vp who didn’t give a shit about sales for the time being, at our level, because its obvious we just don’t have the funds, and neither does our label, to push this thing into the big sales arena, and just signs us based on loving what we do. We have a great band right now. and we’re happy as hell doing what we’re doing. When we are together it feels like magic. I hope the upcoming documentary shows that a bit.

There are a lot of people right now in the industry that are so down on the major labels, talking about how bad it is and how much they suck, and how cool it is to be indie. But I don't agree. I've been indie for ten years now, on three different labels, and frankly its fucking hard. I know its hard out there all over in the biz these days. And yeah they're business people first and music lovers second. But you know, like anything else, music is a business. so thank God for them being that way. or no CDs would get released by anyone at all. And that would suck for all of us. but still...

Its not that I mind being on an independent label. Its not all bad. We gross over seven dollars for every cd sold compared to the less than one dollar that the major label artists receive. That’s a cool thing. So we’re liquid. But there's just not enough money to be made to promote the band or the cds enough to reach enough people to generate the big sales. That's the dilemma. What would you rather have? a thousand times 7 dollars, or a million times a dollar? I'll take the million please thank you. This weekend is a time of reflection for me. After last night’s conversation with our agent, i am even more dedicated to finding a way, the way, to reach more of our potential fans. You know if you have ten or a hundred or a thousand, that you have the potential to have ten thousand or a million if you could just reach them. If they could just know that you are out there. I know as a music fan myself that I'm totally that way. I always heard the name Sam Philips for example, but just had never heard her music. and then one day I did. and just instantly fell in love with it. I bought all her cds the next day. I was so glad as a fan to have discovered her. we already have that now. but its just on a smaller level than we want it to be on.

So as a business man I know that that's the m.o. at play here. that's the strategy. Reach as many people as you can in order to connect up with your potential fans/customers. But how? On this level? That's the question. I wasn't discouraged after his call last night. I was inspired. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. At least we know we’re getting close. At least we know what it is now. to all of the fans that we already have, thanks for buying. We’ll make more.

Last screening: Identity. Wow. You have to see this movie. I feel fucked up after watching it. What a trip.

Complete insanity. Tour half booked half not booked we find out. agents in different countries working around the clock to put it all together. days before we are homeless. Last night I typed in our name into google along with the sleep with you CD title just to check out how our publicist was doing. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME. that's all I can say. After an hour or so of reading I felt punch-drunk. Writers still ravaging the CD to pieces for the most part, totally not getting it. after about an hour I had to flee, go outside and throw up in the streets. I recently told Juliet how easy it was to have this job... I forgot about this aspect of it. But radio promoters and fans of course constantly telling us how great it is, how many great songs are on it and how it is so hard to choose the singles because of that reason, but one would never know it from reading the magazine and newspaper music reviews. I have heard so many good things from people and read so many bad things from other people, that I just had to listen for myself. So I listened to a few tracks today for the first time in a while with headphones and I loved it. I was just kicked back and you know just loving it. Not cringing at all, like you do a lot of the time after you are finished with some project. But just grooving with it and thinking it was fucking great. Just the first few songs really. That was a wonderful feeling. I was like shit this is good. man you made a good thing there. Susanne this hip radio promoter up in NYC tells me “Fishy you gotta change that CD cover immediately. That's why you're getting the reviews that don't match up to how good this record is. I love this CD. But radio people don't care what your artwork is like. We throw it away. So that's why radio people are digging it but writers aren't. They’re reading too much into your artwork. What were you thinking anyway? Putting a naked girl on the album cover? In these times? Howard Stern can’t get away with it, and you think you can?” I'm like, “I was thinking we were making great art. That’s what I was thinking. I thought it was a really nice idea. Very sexy. Artistic.... you know?” She tells me, “You know what? Maybe if you were black... Maybe you could have gotten away with that. But a white guy? A singer in a rock band? A naked girl on your bed? And all those songs about sex? You were asking for it sweetie.” “Yeah, I don't know. I just didn't see it that way. I still think it’s the best thing we’ve ever done. Music and artwork. You really think we should change it?” “You have to. You said you want to make it commercially with this album? Change the cover. You're going to release a single now to radio? Not with that CD cover. Trust me. Change it and watch what happens....”

Drinks with a few of the boys at a local pub on Lincoln road.

Watching more of the president Reagan funeral services later tonight. I'm not one of those cynical bastards like many of my contemporaries who won't give the guy cred because of his policies that they didn't agree with, or the mistakes he made. Say whatever you want about Reagan. At least he was an honest and humble and dignified man. We had been without a leader of his caliber for almost twenty years. and we still have yet to have a president as admirable and honorable as Reagan was. One can only hope that maybe one day soon we will again. Again, I'm not hip to everything he did. But see more honor it than most I guess.

Dear Juliet,

First day of June. Wow. That was fast wasn't it? I'm telling you right now. this life is going to pass us by so fucking fast its going to be really really sad and shocking. Hang on cause we need to turn it on over-drive to make the absolute most of it.

I am in the middle of so many things right now. Totally insane. Getting ready for this tour. Film crew coming to house for three days to film this 30 minute documentary. Three days in the life of me and the boys. ‘Where he is now.’ ladies man, mans man, man about town, to borrow a phrase. Did you see Down with love yet? One of my favorites. She's going to try to get to the heart of the matter, focus on the songs and the songwriting. A cool project. I picture it more like a docudrama. Want it to be deep and surreal with no story line... and of course she is going to want it very literal and linear...like all documentaries. But I will thwart her at every moment, refuse to be filmed unless I am in the bathtub or something... And we’re packing everything I own up and putting it into storage because I sold my house. Have no place to live yet. Looking at places temp here while trying to find a place to buy in New York. With housing ridiculously high in New York. Still working every night on editing the novel. Trying to get the new single from sleep with you released here in the states, get the new album released here for a summer date, start recording the rough tracks of two more future albums before we leave. Trying to coordinate publicity, radio promo, retail store promo, posters, postcards, T-shirts, for Europe etc etc... And we leave for a two month tour abroad in less than four weeks. amongst all this I'm still just trying to be me, you know, writing songs, and rehearsing with the band and all that. My mind feels crazy by 11 pm. I lie in bed unable to sleep. Tossing and turning. But you know. Its cool. Could be worse. This is an amazing life. Just hectic.  [Might use this in the diaries. good summary really. No need to type it twice now is there... hope you don't mind my recent foray into reality TV... with you playing a starring role as of late. Just all part of the big picture.]

Anyway, at the salon today getting the old hair in shape, studying your letter with a fine tooth comb while the t-shirt lady was showing me samples of all the latest and greatest in  t-shirt trends, making huge circles all over your writing whenever I found important points. Hope you don't mind me writing on you like that. all the while trying to sit perfectly still for the stylist. How did this madness begin?

As I said we are packing up everything I own, material-wise that is, in my house to throw it into storage. And one of those things is the infamous 2nd Juliet letter. The one that caused oh so much fuss around these parts a few weeks back. needed to give myself some time to digest it. but I couldn’t put it away. just left it there on the floor for weeks. important stuff in there. intelligent life in the universe after all and that letter was the proof of that. so before I pack and leave I thought I would respond a bit since we speak infrequently. Your life is even more hectic from what I can gather.

I want to turn the wit-machine off for the remainder of this and really speak from my heart; which I so rarely do except in song. I will try. just try to respond to your own letters.

Yes I too was thrilled about our dear friend being a gay rights activist. What a God. I wonder if you ever communicated with him after I sent you his email. 

Yes I too danced around reading your letters as well. but as you know I was dancing in the bathtub.... but yes they meant very much to me as well. kindred souls. Thank God. I expected nothing less. Just took us twenty five years to get here. and it makes me very happy that you enjoy our reconnection. Makes me happy. we are learning a lot. It is like talking to God. getting some answers. Some confirmation. Some affirmation from another. it feels great.

There was this moment when someone was speaking about Reagan and how he asked him how he managed to stay so calm amid all the insanity of his job as president. And his answer was that he was always used to being in these crazy situations and looking back to whoever was with him in the room for support. And then one day, he decided to look up instead and look to God for support. And from that day on he felt all the support he would ever need.

So tonight as I was resting in bed, ready to fall asleep, I too looked up to God for support.
An amazing talk with God last night. I'm talking like amazing. this knowing. This grand feeling

Ray Charles has passed on.

Fishy and I shared a hotel room facing the Atlantic Ocean and witnessed a sunrise together after making love all night. We also shared a bath, and I wanted to absorb it, to lose myself in the moment. But I couldn’t allow myself the luxury completely. I wonder, as I tell my friends about my random adventures with various men, if I am purposely sharing myself with them in order to develop characters for a book and for no other reason. But I do love Fishy. He lives more passionately than anyone I have ever known.

There was this moment. We are sitting at a table at this marina on key Biscayne. I have promised a pleasurable hour or two of smoked fish dip and rum runners while we watch the sun slowly set and the boats pull in after a long day of fishing. But there was a catch. There was no smoked fish dip mentioned on the menu and our waiter didn't speak English. Although this is normal for Miami, this would normally not be a problem because I can usually get by well enough. But in this instance, I couldn’t remember how to say smoked fish dip. The waiter tried to understand. I swore to him that I had sat here many many times and had smoked fish dip and drinks. It was a tradition. If only I could relay to him what I was talking about. he went to get another waiter. He didn't know what smoked fish dip was in English. He kept saying fish fingers. He called another waiter. Meantime, I'm trying to look up smoked fish dip in my pda. I know how to say smoke and I know how to say fish, but I don't know the word for dip. So I'm looking it up. so I'm trying to use the literal translation. They are all standing there in front of our table now talking to each other in Spanish and motioning to one another. I decide to get on the phone and call Infinito or G2 to ask them how do you say smoked fish dip in Spanish. Little Tree is trying to mime the act of eating smoked fish dip to them. they are all imitating her motions of dipping crackers into dip but they are still not understanding what we want. The three waiters in front of us assure me that there is no such thing. that what we really want is fish fingers. Of course, that's not what we want. We know what we want. We are at a restaurant on the water at a marina. We want smoked fish dip. But between all five of us no one can communicate this to the other. This was made more hilarious by the copious amounts of alcohol we were guzzling. Eventually we gave up and settled for some fish sandwiches. This is classic Miami.

Two days now just organizing all the boxes from all over the house. packing for weeks. I cannot believe how much stuff I have. it is unbelievable. Storing it all into this warehouse till I find a place up in nyc that is big enough and yet affordable enough for me to actually live in. All day today noticing this feeling coming up within me of sadness mixed with relief. it is a strange combination of feelings.

Writing songs with the poet now and then, which is an amazing thing because he is a drummer. But he just has a way of coming up with cool lines or whole songs that I can put to music. very cool. you never know. that's the lesson we learn over and over again isn't it. you just never know. always a challenge to balance our knowing with our willingness to let go and not know; so we can allow magic to happen now and then. Must remember this.

Allow the magic to flow. Be open to the possibilities.

The poet flew in from Atlanta to rehearse with the band. he is going to take the drum seat for the upcoming tours. Rehearsing like crazy with the boys for the upcoming tour. all day and all night. five hours on, an hour for lunch, five more hours, a bit of dinner, a few more hours. Great times. can’t believe the energy of getting these five guys in the room together to play music. a super group all coming together to play all these songs. Awesome. JP from DC3 and the pawnshop drunks is playing guitar for us due to the recent disappearance of Vancouver. He is totally brilliant on the guitar, and vocals, and has a great personality. [I say that now—flash forward a few months... Hehe. You know how the road gets.] so its like a whole new band. me and father Bloopy the only original guys left now, but you would never know it. Rockaway has taken the seat for the piano man. it was just an amazing weekend. Cool photo shoot. Great jams. Good times. telling Bas later that night, ‘it just goes to show. I could have taken this craziness with half the guys ducking out at the last minute as a bad thing. could have gotten down about it. but instead I just rode it out. looked for the positives and stayed focused on what we were doing, at the task at hand, and at our goals, and it turned out better than I ever could have imagined.

In other news: the Italian stallion finally emailed me back after a long hiatus. A brief note. I don't think she's ever going to give me more than that. I don't blame her. all my back and forth would drive anybody crazy. Gave each other space for a while. More like me giving her space. I am an insane lover. An even more insane ex-lover I'm afraid. And she and I were/are neither really. Never really sure what we were. I beg her to be friends. She says its my fault and that I was the one who walked away. I say I never walked away from us being friends, just from us being lovers. She says same thing. so that's where we sit almost two years later still. Somewhere between never-friends, not-really-but almost-lovers, and common associates. Great to hear from her though.

Tampa bay just won the Stanley cup. It never snows in Tampa and no one ever ice skates there. but they beat the Alberta, Canada team. Only in America.

Ronald Reagan has passed on. Well that is an end of an era isn't it? this event now truly marks the end of the 20th century some have said. It leaves you with a feeling of ‘where is our guiding light now? where is our spark of hope?’

Last screening: checked this movie called gods and generals. Wasn't too good or bad. But just interesting to see another perspective of America’s civil war. As I experienced the film I was reminded of the little war that is raging between Americans in our own time. That being for the rights and civil liberties of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. Lets hope it never gets to the point of a civil war of course. But its interesting how far apart we can feel sometimes from people we are so close to in most other ways.

First day of June. Wow. That was fast wasn't it? I'm telling you right now. this life is going to pass us by so fucking fast its going to be really really sad and shocking. Hang on cause we need to turn it on over drive to make the absolute most of it.

I am in the middle of so many things right now. totally insane. Getting ready for this tour. film crew coming to house for three days to film this 30 minute documentary on me/us. filmmaker friend of mine actually. three days in the life of me. ‘where he is now.’ ladies man, mans man, man about town... LOL She’s going to try to get to the heart of the matter, focus on the songs and the songwriting. a cool project. And we’re packing everything I own up and putting it into storage because I sold my house. Have no place to live yet. looking at places temp here while trying to find a place to buy in New York. With housing ridiculously high in New York. Still working every night on editing The Adventures of Fishy novel. Trying to get the new single from sleep with you released here in the states, get the new album released here for a summer date, start recording the rough tracks of two more future albums before we leave. Trying to coordinate publicity, radio promo, retail store promo, posters, postcards, T-shirts, for Europe etc etc... And we leave for a two month tour abroad in less than four weeks. Amongst all this I'm still just trying to be me, you know, writing new songs, and rehearsing with the band and all that. My mind feels crazy by 11 pm. I lie in bed unable to sleep. Tossing and turning. But you know. its cool. could be worse. This is an amazing life. Just hectic.

I believe that when we say that God is on our side, or that it is gods will, that what we mean is that we feel right with something. it is something that we have fully integrated, and something that feels good to us.

Of course the Muslims who attacked America on 9/11 felt that God was on their side in that. and maybe he was. Their God. who knows? and the bush administration felt like God was on their side when they invaded the country of Iraq. And again, maybe he was. Who knows? but with all this talk of God taking sides, one can easily sit on the sidelines and wonder if God being on anyone's side at this point is just a real dangerous belief to hold in consciousness.

But still, objectively, we can feel when God is with us at some times. just this energy. At least that's what we tell ourselves. But again, with that in mind, if we are telling ourselves that in certain situations, and yet others are telling themselves that same thing when they destroying rather than creating, taking human life, rather than saving it.... just makes you think.... where is God in all this? I mean, does he/she/it have an opinion of it?

When Europe stole America from the Native Americans we told ourselves that God was on our side. Same thing when we enslaved the Africans to build this great land. Looking back most of us would agree we were wrong there. looking back now most would agree that no God of theirs would condone such actions. so is God just a pawn for us to use at our own discretion. And if not, then why doesn’t he do anything about the brutal indecencies that are performed in his name? I've said the same thing about the Nazis when they were attempting to extinguish the Jews. They honestly felt that God was on their side in that. was he? The Jews that were being murdered also felt that God was on their side. And the Americans who came in to help also felt that God was on their side in coming in to help save the Jews. Tricky stuff. just who is this God and why doesn’t he make it known which side he is on sometimes? Every now and then he could come around to remind us of what is right, rather than just making us guess all the time. I'm sure that would help out quite a bit.

About a year and a half ago a good friend of mine who is a sculptor told me of a dream she had to create giant sculptures that depicted our dreams. Other people’s dreams. we brainstormed the idea on and off for hours. Realized that these sculptures could be placed all over the country, all over the planet really. She was very taken by the rise and shine album when it was first released, especially the song Do you know who you are and Dreams. Asked if she could use the music in her documentary films, and from there we started discussing me composing music for each sculpture, in each city around the country. Different music and sounds for each. It was a beautiful vision that we shared. Interactive sculptures.

Flash forward a year. she's doing it. the vision has turned into a reality. First installation in Asheville, NC. A community designed sculpture in the heart of the town. a mammoth work many stories high depicting the dreams and visions of the town’s people. very inspiring. She sent me a documentary on the project and I was so inspired by it. the DVD opens with the song do you know who you are and ends with the song Dreams. What an honor. Check it out. www.journeyofdreams.com. A brilliant idea. I told her, “I'm just so glad and appreciative to be a part of it in any way, because I think it is just going to be huge.” Not only will you be very fulfilled as an artist but you will be very rich from this idea.

Earlier today my car runs out of gas but the fuel gauge says I have over a quarter tank. I pull into a shell and the guy tells me that they are out of gas completely. Turns out that all the shell stations got contaminated gas and that is the symptom of it. your tank is full but the gas is no good so your car won't run. I get the feeling that someone up there is trying to tell me something. the oracle asked me, “what are you still doing in Florida? You don't belong there.” “I know. I know.” I tell her... “Doing my best. I promise. Tying up all the loose ends.” My house has sold. I have a week or two to move out. and all of this while still trying to rehearse the band for the European tour and get two singles out to radio and get the new album released before we leave. Insane. And now there is talk of a documentary about me and the guys and our music and the preparation for the tour. Even more insane. Where will we find the time?

I am packing everything I own up and putting it all into storage. Live out of a suitcase for a while. will be easier that way. Less attention to outside things. just focus on the matters at hand. music, videos, writing, touring. It is a liberating feeling.   

Last screening: Orchestral rehearsal. The last of the Fellini films for me. I've seen them all now. The only problem that I have with him is that he makes the entire country look vulgar and barbaric. Forty years of film making and one would never think that the Italians had any class at all from watching his work. All of them stuffed with this kind of ubiquitous bathroom humor that is similar to what certain Hollywood filmmakers think is funny. Because I was raised in a northern Italian family, I know from experience that a fellini film, all forty years of them, with their incessant references to farts and dicks and sex et al. are not an accurate representation of the average Italian. I don't know why I feel the need to defend the people. I'm an American now. but for some reason, I just do. Out of respect for my grandparents I guess.

Saw Troy last night. Great to see the old story come to life on the big screen with Brad and the boys. The women were very beautiful. Good film. Made me want to dig into some Greek study just to check it all out and see how much is true and how much is myth.

Current Spin: downloaded a huge file of Ours and jimmy Gnecko live shows from his recent acoustic American tour. great stuff. he is the modern day Farinelli.

Another dream. Out in the ocean with jazz, hanging on this sinking boat. Trying to save someone or something. Watching my feet dangle in the water. Had this sinking feeling that any minute something awful was going to happen. Frightened with our legs dangling there, out in the middle of nowhere. I turn to jazz in a moment of silence. “What's going to happen here? Is it going to be a shark thing or some other monsters? Or is it going to be like pirates or bad people attacking us?” as if it was already written. I don't remember her answer.

Is all of this nothing but a dream? Lives already planned out? the future predestined? Can we change our destinies? Is it as simple as “pirates or sharks?” or is it as simple as “I choose neither.” I wonder.

As men we have always desperately wanted to feel as though we were the creators of our own destinies. And yet it is a concept that we have always been deathly afraid of and unable to fully integrate. We have never lived without our gods. There is a timeless philosophical argument that has filled the time of men with nothing better to do than earn honorary degrees for the ignoble task of debating the undebatable. It is known as the ‘free will versus determinism’ argument. It is what led me to abandon philosophy in college. Being predetermined that I would be born a rather philosophical thinker myself, I quickly decided that there was no need for me to pursue an education in something that I was already an expert at. Arguing the useless was a gift I afforded myself many hours of as youth.

As I grew older I soon began to realize that it was one of the weaknesses of all of us, one that on many occasions contributed to our wretched fate while we've been here. I listened as religious leaders preached the idea of God’s gift of free will to us one minute, and then contradicted themselves with the words ‘if it is God’s will’ in the next. All around us we see the proof positive that indeed we are born with this free will. But in moments of extreme victory or defeat, take your pick, we succumb again and again to the idea of determinism or destiny. It is a noble belief. And one cannot fault a man for falling to it. How many times have we fallen in love and felt that it was destiny? When we break up with that same person years or decades later, we find comfort in telling ourselves and others that ‘it was meant to be.’

Yes, it is easier that way. In times of need it can give us strength. But it is not a position of strength. It can give us comfort, but in times of great need, when it appears that all is against us, it is not comforting to believe that destiny itself is working against us. this is the time when we need most to honor this great gift of our free will. our belief in the gods has always worked to our detriment. Except of course when we have had nothing else to believe in. Men have staked entire empires and civilizations on their belief in gods and destiny. Only to lose it all. is that itself a destiny? Or simply free will gone amuck?

For as much as I cherish my free will, I have never for a moment let go of my own belief in my own destiny. That is the great mystery. For all of us. if I cross the street now I could get run over by a car. But if I stay standing here I could just easily get struck by lightening. Free will. Destiny. Will there never be an answer? If we ever do find an answer, let it be known that here, now, today, in these times, that we still hadn't a clue.

Happy birthday Tree!