Thinking about when you're learning a foreign language and how some phrases don't make sense. It can throw you. if you try to use logic, forget about it. like in Spanish when they say “I dreamed with you last night” instead of “I dreamed about you.” or they “get off” the car. Instead of “get out of the car.” Or in Italian when they say “I have a need for such and such” instead of “I need...” this morning some lady calls me and says in English “give me a call.” I think “give me a call?” that makes no sense. But we’re used to it. so we take it for granted. Just like any other language.

Dreamed of Juliet last night/this morning. Somewhere. We were nowhere, but somewhere in the open. Outside somewhere... We were with a third person. a girlfriend of mine perhaps. We are talking about this feeling we had. ‘When we are together I feel whole,’ I say. ‘...like a whole person...’ she says. ‘If only I would have known,’ she says. It is romantic but it is not sexual. Romantic in a spiritual way, in a God way. Like literature. The girlfriend character tries to take control of the situation. she is taken aback by the understanding between Juliet and I. I expect her to understand. I am sitting next to Juliet. I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness talking with her. I feel like I can trust her completely. She is at ease and content. Just being. This is the fireplace that the oracle had mentioned in her last reading. ‘Juliet is a like a fireplace. Warm, caring, strong. She is a soulmate.’ In the dream I tell her I have a present for her and her boyfriend. I have a deep understanding that no matter the strong feelings I have that my mission is to honor her and her family, what she already has. What I already have. That I am not getting in the way of that. I am in appreciation of our understanding and connection.  

I wake up. I feel so enlivened by this chance meeting in the dream. I feel grounded by it. I keep going back to reflect on the scenes from the dream, to try to capture the feeling of it; I feel strong and healthy and happy from it.

Continuing to edit The Adventures of Fishy. a few pages everyday. Revisiting the old world. Harrowing and emotional.

Jazz calls and coos me to sleep.

Little Tree coming to visit.

Tour dates continue to be added. As band members continue to come and go. Now more than ever I must believe in myself. Believe in what this is all about. the songs. And the sound. And the message. No wonder all of our heroes were drug addicts. This is not easy. The uncertainty. And the lack of stability of it. I resist the temptation to escape and breathe deep. Vancouver knows that we are about to tour for three or four months but hasn’t called anyone in the band. Pretends he was never in the band. Infinito is out of the tour, still recording a new album together, but out of the tour. When push comes to shove we have discovered that a lot of guys are scared shitless to pack everything up and spend months on the road. afraid of being gone so long, afraid of not being able to eat right, afraid of not seeing anyone they know, afraid of not having any money... and yet for some of us it seems like the opportunity of a lifetime. So we continue to rehearse and hone our sound. And new guys hop aboard.

Pause

Tonight we had an absolutely brilliant rehearsal for the new album material. A hard album. Tricky and hard-edged sounding. It will challenge fans. Certain fans who love rns or swy or nic. This is a totally different sounding album. sounds like the police meets tool meets nirvana.

Later after rehearsal I receive an email from Juliet telling me that she dreamed of me last night where we were sitting having a long conversation. I was amazed. How very Richard Bach of us.

Spent all day yesterday allowing myself to grieve selling the house. my life will be lived out of a suitcase for a while. so I just kind of laid around all day, fellini movies, sleeping. Funny. Today I woke up and there is this is dead mouse or rat outside on the deck, lying on its back, hind legs straight up. I always take dead mice or rats as a good sign. Good omen. A rat is dead. That's a good thing. old things pass. New things are born. 

Me and Infinito on the phone all day today about the Europe tour and the coming American dates. back and forth. He doesn’t feel like he can wing it financially. Truth is it’s a free trip to eight countries in Europe expenses paid and we get a weekly. So its great. But still, life creeps up on you. mortgages, dogs, wives... obviously we’re all taking a hit financially to make it happen. and that's not easy. But that's rock and roll.

Brunch. Saw a woman crying in the street.

Last screening: unprecedented---the 2000 presidential. Wow. Go see this movie. Democrat or republican. We think its myth now? legend? We forget so quickly. You wouldn’t believe how many laws were broken. How many frauds were committed. In order to get bush in the white house. unbelievable. You wouldn’t believe it could happen in the united states. a lady named Katherin Harris was probably the worst of the offenders and law breakers, but there were many, all the way up the supreme court. I wonder if now... if now they regret participating in the scandal, seeing where the country is today. America is a funny place because its so big. People can get away with anything they want to here. But don't get caught in a sex scandal or you're history.

Heavy day. Torn. Depressed, but also relieved. Someone made me an offer on the house in Miami that would be ridiculous to refuse. With the economy the way it is now, everyone says take the money and run in real estate now due to a coming real estate correction. Someone wants to spend a half a million dollars on an over valued house in an over valued neighborhood in an over valued real estate market that's about to burst then let them, but don't be the one standing there holding that mortgage yourself. Not now. not in these times. so me, yes me, going to throw everything I own in storage, move into a temp apt on the ocean and go on tour. Come back and finish recording with the band and look for something in NYC. Strategy is that by then the economy will have gotten worse and prices will have started to fall in housing as interest rates continue to rise and everything else continues to decline. Economists are predicting that by November we will be knee deep in it, by January and February there will be foreclosures and sales where people will be able to snatch up real estate for pennies on the dollar compared to today's prices. So I'm going to sit on cash for a while. live on the road. And wait. All I need is a guitar and the truth. That was said once.

We are madly working on the artwork for the nothing is cohesive album. in the studio learning songs for two new albums: the new one, and another called Girls, which will be all the girls names, new songs and old ones. Me and G2 on the phone today, he still in Chile, discussing the artwork for all these albums. He suggests flower photos for NIC, but I say no man remember we want to use those for the freedom beauty truth love album. he says ‘are you still doing that one?’ ‘yes of course man. Just have to get these other ones out of the way and then we’ll do that one. maybe next year.’ ‘ Man you make a lot of albums. You never stop.’ ‘I know man. Its crazy. I'm like some mad underground film maker who just keeps pushing out these films that no body likes except his hundred or so fans...’ ‘Dude I think its more like 5 fans...’ ‘You may be right man.’ We’re laughing hysterically. The little movies.

It was that one little move in space/time. this one decision. G2 telling me ‘go back to using your own name bro. Acknowledge who you are and what you are doing...’ That was it. it empowered me like I never would have imagined.

Life is a work of art. It's filled with stories. It should be lived that
way. Purposely make the stories interesting. Purposely put yourself in
difficult situations to measure your worth as a human being. For example, I
want to go to France for several reasons. My grandfather whom I adore will
soon die. It's an inevitable reality of old age. But while everyone else in
society worries about themselves and their careers, I want to be with him
because it would challenge me in ways a career never will.

[nothing of me there. how boring. But she does have a flair for the dramatic doesn’t she...]

Early brunch with jazz and a few friends. “I would never get breast implants.” She says, “Are you crazy? You lose all sensitivity in your nipples...” “Jesus. Jazz, do you have to use that word? Its not even noon yet. You don't say nipples before noon. Please. I haven't even had coffee....”

At this French restaurant. I say thank you, sometimes gracias, because as is customary in Miami, only South Americans who speak only Spanish work at French restaurants, or Irish bars, or English pubs, etc etc... jazz corrects me, its ‘merci beaucoup.’ “Yes I know. but why go down that path? Its too early in the morning.” “What path? We’re at a French restaurant. The least you could do is say thank you in French....” “Yeah and then what? Then he starts speaking to me in French. he’ll say, ‘oh you speak French,’ and I'll say in French ‘no, only a little, I'm studying it now...’ and that will be that. so I'm still the stupid fucking tourist in my own hometown. And I'll feel like an idiot for saying merci beaucoup in the first place. I mean lets face it, as much we hate being a tourist in any country, with French I can’t remember more than twenty words. so the least I can do is not feel like tourist in my own fucking hometown... can you pass the sugar?”

Things are crazy here in America now. everyday a little bit crazier. Like we read about in science fiction books when we were kids. Its every bit as bad as they predicted it would be. everyday we are barraged with scenes of torture and abuse of Iraqi detainees by young American soldiers in our prisons over there. and now they are beheading us on live TV in retaliation. Our financial markets are going crazy. one day up and one day down. Economists warn of a coming recession the likes of which we have never seen in America. the country remains apathetic. The media continues to talk about it all as if it is just another day in paradise. No one makes a move. No one screams about the horrors we are seeing.

Vice president Cheney goes on TV today and says that the they are just getting us back because they “hate us and everything we represent...” I feel sick to my stomach. I look at him and his apathy. What do we represent Mr. Cheney? I think. we invade another country against their will, and against the will of the entire civilized world, kill tens of thousands of their civilian population, take 40,000 prisoners and by our own estimates 90% of them are incorrectly taken hostage, abuse and torture them in their own prison... I am thinking, again, what is it that we represent at this point? What are we representing to the rest of the world.

On the phone with Infinito. He asks me if I saw the beheading. I say hell now. that's not my scene. He tells me, ‘dude I'm afraid to go to Europe with an American passport. I can only imagine what they must think of us. all this shit... and that father going on TV and saying that his son was killed because of the sins of Bush and Rumsfeld... he’s right. what are we going to do?” “I don't know bro. I just don't know.” I answer. He continues, “It takes me back to when the first bombs fell on Baghdad and how mad I was. I can’t take it anymore. It just makes me so mad. It is going to take years to erase the damage that bush has done to our country. The anti-Americanism that he is creating. Starting with his statement about the axis of evil. And its only getting worse man... I don't know why we are doing something about.” “We are bro. Were going to tour Europe and we’re going to tell the world how we feel and make some great fucking music. that's what we’re going to do.”

Went to the symphony tonight. Ravel, Mendelssohn, and the fucking brilliant symphony number 5 by Prokofiev. I was stunned and blown away by the latter. The first two were fine. But symphonies are where its at for me now. I want to make symphonies with rock and pop and world music.

Love the movie down with love. Can’t wait to see it again.

Obsessed with black girls still.

Today I sent a letter to the democratic national committee to tell them to stop picking on president bush. It makes them seem like big babies with no agenda of their own. I said, look, a lot of us really want you to win, so please show us why you should... not why you don’t like Bush. Everyone already knows all that. What are you doing to do to make things different? And for God sakes stop saying things like ‘John Kerry, the next president of the United States.’ it makes you seem stupid and presumptive. You're not psychic. You don't know who is going to win. So please stop.’

Michael Moore finally lets the cat out of the bag about the Bush and Osama bin laden connection that many except the mainstreamers have known about since the beginning of this whole charade three years ago. this morning the news reports that bin laden has supposedly “released a tape” calling for the murder of several US officials (but no one in Bush’s administration). The news which one would expect to be devastating and huge to Americans, was given no more than ten seconds and was treated very casually. As if it wasn't that big of a deal. Why? don't know yet. no one does. What we do know is that the bin laden and the bush families have been friends for thirty years and that both of them have made millions in several joint business ventures together through the years, including the companies the Carlisle Group and Bechtel (curiously weapons manufactures?) that they are both shareholders in, the two companies ironically that along with Halliburton, are profiting the most from the invasion of Iraq. Now if that isn't tricky, I don't know what is...

We also know that the day after 9/11, the American government secretly helped all the relatives of the bin ladens leave America where they had been living so they could “be safe.” Again, tricky as all hell. Why would we be doing that if Osama had just attacked us? again, I don't know. but logic would indicate that we would have kept them all here in order to get to Osama if we really wanted to catch him... which is what for a very brief time we were told was happening... but the attention quickly turned away from capturing Osama bin laden and turned to Hussein instead. Why? We don't know. And now it doesn’t even seem like they are looking for bin laden... who knows. but it did seem strange that this alleged tape that pops up from bin laden is targeting some general and a UN member???? And not gw bush or his administration??? Again, I just don't know. there is something very very weird going on here. and it has nothing to do with what we are being told. It just doesn’t match up. nothing matches up in their stories... but the scary part of this is that the rest of the world nor the media have really been able to pinpoint what really is going on.

Like the Matrix. Every now and then we hear these little tidbits of the truth that no one speaks of. The behind the scenes. We see pictures. We see a president who seems not to believe himself when he speaks. Who stutters a lot and has twitchy eyes and who crinkles his mouth a lot when he speaks, like little kids when they are telling a lie. And of course they have told a lot of lies in the last three years. and there are a lot of people coming out all the time in books and on TV and in the newspapers who seem upset by it. but in general the media itself don't talk about it much. About the inner secrets. And the people of the country don't talk about it much. No one seems to notice the degree to which we have been and are being lied to or manipulated. Why? I don't know. Honestly. I just cannot put my finger on it. most of the time I am stunned by all of it.

Could it be as simple as we used to think back in the day? when we were younger and more naive? That America is being secretly controlled by a few very rich people? that all countries in fact are all being secretly controlled by a very small select group of wealthy individuals...  thoughts pour in. Thought about myself over the last few years. the more money we have gotten over the years, the more we ourselves have noticed that we can get whatever we want when we want it and if we can’t we just force people to give it to us anyway. I'm saying this for no other reason than to understand.... I mean, really, its right in front of our eyes. if at our small level we can almost do anything we want to as long as we have enough money... imagine what it must be like when you just have tons of money and you're controlling whole countries and the politicians that run them...

And now it comes in...

I kissed Fishy Friday. Or, rather, he kissed me. Our lips joined for about 10 seconds, maybe less. It was explosive, but wrong because neither of us is ready for anything. I don't want anything serious and he never knows what he wants. Fishy... the boy is a mystery.

A few things. Saw the play “A Picasso” tonight. With jazz. We kissed. Ten little kisses in a row in the rain in an empty parking lot. Good times. Play was average. Understand why it is playing in Miami. Wouldn’t play anywhere else in the country. Very sophomoric. Trite, predictable. Felt as if we were watching a college student’s first attempt at writing a play. I could write this shit in my fucking sleep I am thinking as I nod off during the dull performance. French restaurant, amazing lamb chops. The best ever. The worst crème Brule ever. Returned it. Owner walks around whistling at all of his employees. And shouts across the room to everyone. Very French. Classic.

More and more lately starting to appreciate the pro-life stance. Bas I talk about it. Ran into Tucker Carlson, the annoying guy from Crossfire with the bowtie, the other day in Boston. He told me it was only a matter of time before I was a conservative. We laughed. Although I don't agree with him, I am starting to understand the whole anti-abortion thing. As he says, it is murder and there is just no two ways about it. It’s a game of hide and go seek we play. Lets pretend there's nothing living under there. We throw the cat in the bag and we tell ourselves ‘I don't see a cat. What cat?’ and then we shoot at the bag until the cat stops jumping around. ‘Seriously, I never saw a cat, did you? It was just a bag that jumped a lot.’ As long as we don't see the cat, then its o.k. Bas says, ‘I hate to break from the liberal side even for a moment, but lets be fair here, its legalized murder. By twelve weeks they have a heart beat, a brain, and even finger nails.’ ‘I know dude. It’s a tough call. I don't know what to do.’ ‘I think they should just have them unless their life is endangered, or in the case of rape or something. but in all other cases, they should have the baby. Its nine months. That's all. if they don't want the baby, they can give it up for adoption. Its not like there aren't hundreds, even thousands of parents out there ready and waiting to adopt a child.’ ‘I would have to agree with you bro. I don't think we have any choice at this point. I understand the dilemma, who wants to be told what to do with their body, but at the same time, what are we going to do? keep trying to pretend there's not a living breathing person under there? just because we can’t see them with the naked eye? Its crazy.’ ‘Yep. Its crazy.’

The cats. Standing by the open door. Cats coming in. Cats can’t decide if they want to go out. a little drunk. for a moment there, I went into their minds. A brief moment. Felt what it felt like from their perspective. A flashback to my youth. I have felt this before. when I was younger I  had this ability to feel what the cats felt. To see things from the cat perspective. The Avatar tools enable us to get back to that. to feel from different perspectives again. I forget sometimes that I have this ability.

Current screening: 81/2 by fellini. Still watching it. I watch a little every night. a few minutes and no more just before sleep. I don't want it to go away. like a fine pinot noir sitting in the glass on the table. To be savored, not devoured. this film is amazing isn't it. just amazing. this scene with him and all the women in his house and he with the whip. It is transcendent. A bold vision.

The play was not all lost time. The Picasso play did remind me. at times. that was the good part. The inspiration. To be all that I can be. to fully embrace all of me. all of my gifts and talent. To let it out. even if it is just a three minute sketch so to speak. Stop thinking of the commerciality of it. its fucking art for Gods sake. Its your fucking art. Picasso said ‘my paintings are my eyes and arms.’ I felt that. my music is my eyes and arms and ears and legs. It is my vehicle. the bastards of the industry try to squash that in us. try to force us to operate from a purely commercial viewpoint. It is a challenge everyday to ignore their money-grubbing practicality. I heard the new avril lavigne song today on the radio and it reminded me of everything I am not and everything I work hard never to be. this song will be a hit I thought. But I will never make a song like this. I will have hits on my own terms. In my own way. to have a hit is not the goal. To achieve sublime personal expression on your own terms as the artist. that is the goal. If one can somehow combine that with mass commercial appeal in a moment in time, then all the better. In one moment to have the two worlds collide. Now that would be something. a miracle. But one cannot be at the expense of the other. Think of Sheryl and her hit ‘if it makes you happy.’ I would be proud to have written that song. And that song was a hit. So it can happen. but for the most part her work has been shit ever since. so for me I have always been on the edge. Perhaps a bit too cautious for my own good. too experimental, too eager for eclecticism. But nonetheless, better than being commercial for no other reason than that as the ultimate goal.