In San Francisco. Lots of hills and homos. Such an expansive feeling place. a lot of bigness here. big hills and mountains and oceans and bays everywhere. of course like everything this causes me great anxiety. But I say nothing to the Princess. Just keep quiet and try to breathe. What can I even say or do or think about it myself, let alone to anyone else. not at home anywhere in the world. just always feel as if I'm not at home anywhere. I think that's why I'm traveling so much lately. Looking for something... wonder if I will ever feel at home anywhere in the world. or will I always feel as though I am a visitor, an estrangeiro...

Huntington hotel spa. Aromatherapy massages. Floating in space. Steam sauna Jacuzzi sitting by the pool drinking cucumber and lemon water, ginger tea, fruit plate with honey yogurt dressing, sliced avocado and olive oil. A little Italian bread please. later in the night the San Francisco symphony. Evening of Bach and Handel orchestral works. Water music of course. four glasses of pinot noir. Crazy cab drivers here. roller coasters. They're fucking insane. I don't spend a minute without dramamine in my body here. with all the hills and mad drivers. Chilly and windy man, someone once said the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Steinbeck I am told. Later that night, an intoxicated early morning at a dennys for onion rings and a shake and a couple of sprites.

Tossing and turning all night. my mind going mad from the situation with Cleopatra and the most recent report that NIC dropped in the charts a bit. Instead of rising, it fell this week. I am fully aware during my entire night of sleep that I am slightly awake but trying to sleep. A most uncomfortable predicament. Every hour or so I lean up in bed to peer at the clock. I tell myself that I must get up to write but I need to see what time it is... I look at the digital clock on the nightstand next to me, but I cannot read it. it says something like XU:%#. Strange I think. I must wait for the real time to come back. then I can get up and start to write some of these mad thoughts out of me.... an hour later it seems and I lean up again to look at the clock. Again it reads something like UV:DD. I rub my eyes. no luck. It will never go back to real time. I am lost I think and lay back down to suffer in the crazy maddening thoughts.

How can I be in a conflict with Cleopatra? how do you go from mad passionate undying love and romance to so much conflict that you can barely speak and need attorneys between the two of you to communicate? How does this happen? what can I do but hold a space for reconciliation and continue to uphold what I believe in and at the same time continue to forgive?

Current spin: badly drawn boy, one plus one; don't hear it yet. interesting but no cigar. Benjamin Biolay. FINALLY. O.k. I found another great French artist. Not an easy thing to do actually. Don't know who he is. but its good stuff.

A raging battle with Cleopatra has ensued. The details of which are almost unfathomable. She is coming from a place of extreme desperation. It has taken everything for me to stay widened back and appreciative of our past and to continue to be kind and civil towards her. I'm not sure if I will ever really know for sure what happened to her. there was a time when we were very young that I never would have believed her capable of the way she is now. there was this innocent look to her, there still is, that one can easily mistake for being innocent; this sense of naiveté that is unique to her. I would take it to mean innocence and I would tell her, in intimate moments, ‘you are such an angel...’ and she would look up at me and respond ‘no I'm not. you don't know me.’ at first I was puzzled by this... always thinking that she just had low self esteem, you know how people are about compliments sometimes. But through the years little by little I would begin to see that there were indeed two very different sides to her. and she knew this. and she was warning me. always had warned me. but I didn't listen because I was just so damn happy to know her and be close to her. this is always a danger. Its like in the movie ... which one is it? the one with Pacino and deniro where deniro just walks away to save his ass... well I couldn’t do it with Cleo... I couldn’t walk away to save my ass because my ass never felt worth saving if I wasn't sharing it with someone else.

there was a side that was very kind hearted and gentle and loving for sure. And I learned a lot from her about that. she fostered that in me. helped me find it within myself really, and for that I will always be grateful to her, will always smile when I think of how that developed within me through her example. And yet this light side was always battling this other darker side that was very cold hearted uncaring and dare I say almost evil, just very unkind. Lonely, depressed, desperate, never satisfied. When you are around someone like that it is like stepping into cold water and it slowly heating up to a deadly boiling temperature... you notice but you don't notice enough to do anything about it. all you know is that one day you wake and its just too fucking hot to stay in the water anymore. If you're smart, and lucky, you can jump out. which is what I did.

One of the most puzzling things about being with Cleopatra was that we always had to have an enemy. In every moment someone was out to get us, she thought. even if things were going great, she was still upset about someone that we were supposed to dislike at that moment. it could be her mom, my mom, her brother, my brother, the yard man, the postman, the realtor, business people, non business people, just about anyone. If there was no one for us to be mad at, we would be mad at each other. i know it sounds crazy, looking back I cannot believe I was even in it, but this is just the way it was. she was always a victim of someone or something, and because I was her lover and partner, her father figure and savior and protector and main guy, therefore I was always involved in these conflicts as well. which was of course difficult as all hell for me because being the ambassador I hate being in conflict with anyone. If she caught me not being mad at someone that we were for whatever reason supposed to be mad at she would then get mad at me.

At some point Cleo must have gotten mad at me and stayed mad at me but not been able to express it or let it out or integrate it. this is what I am beginning to understand now. because we were so dependent on one another for life and the things of life, she stayed un-mad at me even though she was subconsciously or consciously-but-secretly mad at me. its just about the only explanation I can come up with for her behavior over the last few years. she will align with me in regards to some alleged disagreement or conflict we are supposed to be having with someone according to her and through this she will kind of butter me up and get me on her side so to speak... in that moment we will be almost friends... at least that's what I'm thinking the whole time. if she calls me from say north Africa and says I'm in trouble wire me five thousand dollars, I will just do it, just assuming that that's what we are to one another, ex lovers, ex-fiancés so  soulmates-forever but now going our separate ways, to me at least, best friends... but what I continually fail to realize, or remember, is that at the same time all of this is happening, she is still also in a disagreement and conflict with me in her own mind, only I just don't know it... so I continually get surprised by her actions.. over the last four years since we've broken up I have experienced her incessant screaming, lying, stealing, cheating, embezzling, amazing webs of deceit as if out of a television show, manipulations, forgeries, frauds, you name it, all perpetrated by her for one reason or another and she always has a great reason and I have stood there on the sidelines ready to forgive and save the day, and catch her when she falls, and play along when she says there was a reason, and act like we’re still friends, and act like everything is o.k. if you ask me, its gotta be some complex I must have had from childhood. To allow it, thinking or believing that I was somehow still getting something out of the connection.... I just kept believing her I guess... and you know, I could have avoided most of this if I would have just bailed years ago.

I never thought I'd ever be one of ‘those people,’ you know the kind that have these great and wonderful love affairs and then a few years later get in these big fights with each other as if they were never so close.. that always seemed so hypocritical to me... never my scene. I've always maintained such good relations with my ex girls. but here we are. its like she isn't even the same person. granted she was always a little nuts. But now Cleopatra has gone off the deep end. How the fuck does it get to something like this. how the hell do you let someone get so far off and just keep not-doing anything about it? Fishy’s not sad anymore. Fishy spent years being sad. Fishy’ s not even mad anymore. Spent years being mad. now I'm just ... like “wow.” In awe. Sad that I have to take the actions that I have to take. Truly sad for that. for deep inside of me is still the same loyal guy who loves her cherishes her and wants to look out for her... but now, wow. Just have to continue to feel all that and honor it and thank God for it but at the same time just do what I have to do to balance things out a little bit.

As I've said before, one day I will write the whole story of Fishy and Cleopatra, because it was truly a beautiful love affair, and deserving of such an honor, but that time is not now.

Last screening: watched Spanglish on the airplane. Inspired by how normal and predictable and clichéd this movie was. enjoyable enough for plane fare. but McDonalds. And that's not a bad thing all the time. never turn down a quarter pounder baby. But you know... I'm thinking there has to be a bigger way, a better way, some way to make bigger art than this. that's the goal. That's why the matrix and lord of the rings movies blew up so much. Gotta get out of the norm and blast off into the stratosphere with the art man...

Realizing more and more each day that this idea of happiness, the being there now, rather than later, is up to us, not some other external forces outside of ourselves. Really its just up to us.

quick now because its past 2am and I'm tired and have French class in the morning. O.k. lets say your goal is just to be happy. really happy. or say its to have money. loads of money. or to have true love. In a nutshell that sums it up for most of us humans here now. at this time in our evolution. Still, after all these thousands of years its still coming down to food shelter money love health and happiness, same old. Now you may just being going through your day not even thinking about that stuff because your so fucking busy or you're telling yourself that you are, that you may never think about what you really want out of life.

every now and then it might occur to you. man I wish I had that boat. Or man I wish I had true love. Or man I wish I could live the life I've always wanted to... and then immediately after that is when you are gong to find the thoughts that are creating the life that you are currently living, rather than the one that you really want in your heart of hearts. Its in that moment, the after thoughts, that you have to pay attention to. and that's not easy because those are the thoughts that we take the most seriously. those are the thoughts that are being created by the beliefs that we hold that are creating the life we are currently living.

What I've started to do now is just live like a fucking machine. As if I'm neo from the matrix. Constantly reprogramming myself. Mainly using Avatar or Tony Robbins or Sedona method techniques. Twenty four hours a day. you see, if loads of money is what you want. And who doesn’t. then you have to have that as your mantra. That has to be with you all day. some people aren't even there yet. they're just trying to create ‘I have enough money’. and that's cool. that's where they're at in their thinking. in their beliefs.

But you make this whatever it is for you your mantra. And its with you all day. you repeat it constantly. You are reprogramming your thinking. its really that simple. Every time you say watch what pops up in your mind. Observe lovingly the thoughts that pop up right afterwards. Those are the beliefs that are on auto-pilot in your thinking. and those are what you have to get rid of in order to create what you really want. Because of the confidential nature of all three of the methods that I just spoke about above, I can’t say what to do from here to let go of or discreate these beliefs that you have that you don't want to have. but all three of these techniques are available by just taking these courses.

I'm not a teacher anyway. I'm just talking for myself here. what I've found for me though is that if I grab at those thoughts that pop in that are opposite of what I want, like say I feel bad that our new CD is not charting at number one yet and I start thinking thoughts like oh woe is me I guess people just don't like this new CD of ours. I guess we’ll just have to try it again with the next album... normally the tendency is to take that thought seriously... give into it. but the key is not to give into it but instead to grab at it and whip it till its gone. Till its out of your consciousness completely. Don't resist that thought. Because then it just sticks around. you have to grab it and accept it as your thought and acknowledge that you are thinking it and creating through it but instead of keeping it you fucking let it go. you say goodbye to it. use whatever method works best for you. but don't give into it. I'll tell you this much, whoever you are, you do need a technique. So for me I will share that either of three that I mentioned above work the best from what I've found so far for discreating of or letting go of beliefs that don't serve us. all three are great. So I highly recommend taking the courses to get the data and the techniques down. You have to start somewhere. You don't start driving a car without learning how to drive a car, right? you don't become a great guitar player by not learning how to play the guitar. You have to learn how to create and how to discreate....

This is working unbelievably for me the last few weeks. I am feeling like a new person. everyday more email more letters more calls more abundance coming in. more confidence. More happiness. More smiling. More skipping happy go lucky down the streets of the great city that never sleeps. The thing is that I never stop now. I am constantly focused on what I want. During the day. at night as I am falling asleep. And as soon as I wake up I am thinking about it and focusing on it and doing things about it. a careful balance between doing exercises and using techniques to restructure my consciousness and taking deliberate action in the moment to make something happen. again, its like a martial arts movie I'm living.

Another thing I notice is working really well is that if I think of something that I want, if I notice it in my heart, I ask myself well what does that look like? What does that mean to me? so I grab a pen and I start writing or I just start typing whatever comes to my mind. I just let go in the moment and flow with it. write down whatever that looks like to me. that way its right there on paper right in your face. That's what you want. So now you know. its clear to your subconscious and conscious mind.

Current spin: Bright eyes, digital ash in a digital urn. Don't get it yet. I know this wasn't the one to buy if you were looking to get Conor. But it read like the closest thing I would dig. Sounds like someone with free studio time goofing off with songs they didn't want to put on their “real” album. Which from what we've been told is what it is. but not so worth the listen the first time around. but I'm going to give it another go because the artwork is really cool. I might buy his earlier stuff. God there is just so much shitty music coming out of American these days that its just really fucking depressing.

Last screening: to have and to have not. starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren bacall. At first I wasn't getting it. so scripted and tongue and cheek. But after a while it gets under your skin.

Current spin: MUSE, absolution. GODS! Take everything that Jeff Buckley hinted that he might have been and Thom yorke was and its all wrapped nicely here in this tight little three piece out of the UK called MUSE. Great album if you like queen or really good brit-pop.

Current spin: 50 cent. Massacre. Like it, because I dig the way that he flows. I just love his style. But its all guns and killing and drugs and money and hos and bitches. Very low-consciousness, primitive ape shit unfortunately. Which is too bad because he obviously has a big flu on the kids. Maybe as he grows he will grow up as well. music wise it offers that same orchestral pop meets hop vibe that his last two did. and he even sings a bit on it.

Princess Little Tree and I are very open with one another. Always exploring and recreating the way that the relationship unfolds. Never been in anything like this before. no negatives. Even with the negatives we always attend to them in a very loving and open and honest manner. it is as if we are accepting of our friendship/relationship, there in the moment of it, admiring it, in awe of it, honoring it, and just feeling blessed by it without the need to nail it down or demand of it with our own expectations. She more than I still. always teaching me. guiding me to be less expecting and demanding and to be more in the flow of life. She is so Avatar that she constantly inspires me to expand and to stay dedicated to remembering who we are as creative beings. That we are truly creating it all. each moment of our lives. She is just so there. in that state of being. I can’t really go off on some tangent or normal-human this is the way it is drama because in her presence I am unable to; it just seems silly, her very presence reminds me that we are above it, that we are beyond it. it is very refreshing. I am still very much the disciple. Learning. Constantly learning. She is just so there already. so confident in us being the creators and capable of creating and feeling however we want to. just so inspiring.

Current spin: the 22-20s. fucking great man. Don't know much about them. but awesome. astralwerks has all the cool bands right now.

Last screening: the horseman on the roof. French film starring Juliet binoche with some rather large naked breasts in one scene. A small epic. Singular in its plot. a simple love story. But a good film.

Earlier tonight I found myself with the hiccups. Someone told me to place my two forefingers close together, pointed at one another but don't touch them. just focus on putting them as close together as possible without touching. Within ten seconds my hiccups stopped. Just like that. fucking totally amazing. has to be some ancient Chinese thing... fascinating though.

I'm coming around. little by little , the boy is coming around. I have noticed an increase interest and willingness to sit in public places to write or talk or relax. I noticed this tonight. normally I spend all of my time holed up in the studio or the office working or the apartment studying or sleeping. So this is good progress.

Also noticing that I'm going more with the flow. Like if I'm going nuts during the day I will run to the gym and do a workout. Rather than wait for the “right or scheduled time” to go. I'll just jump and run over there and pump for a while to clear the mind and let off some steam. Its almost a sense of something like “its o.k. like its more than o.k. its fucking great. Life is great. I'm living the life of my dreams.” something like this is what it is starting to feel like.

Like the song says, I really am softening, letting go. more willing to relax into the moments without always being on edge about doing doing doing. Its good to do do do. but its also good to be be be.

Current spin: sigus ross, Von. An unreleased early one. easy to see why it was never released. It is really bad. Just them starting out, that's all. And I am a huge fan. they are one of my fav bands of all time. but may I never hear this horrible CD again.

We are getting older. Looking at pictures of friends that they send through email. noticing that they are getting older. Wow. Getting older. This really is going to fly by in a heartbeat isn't it. how fucking sad. Don't think about it.

I have realized that in order to accomplish these goals, really accomplish them rather than have them drag out month after month I have had to work on these things and these things only. Have come to terms with how one accomplishes big goals, rather than the slow grind to achieving a few small goals in ones lifetime, which is the normal way for most people. but in order to really go after huge goals and lots of them on a consistent basis one must find within oneself constant dedication and direction and discipline and commitment. Has to just be a hundred and ten percent.

Current spin: Gomez, split the difference. O.k. I get it. but again its not where I'm at. has to be more than this to rock/pop. Have to set the record straight and go all the way out there. there is a lot more that can be done. A lot more to it. we are only touching the tip of the iceberg.

Dear Stallion
I'm just really taking my time with it to try to really nail down the feeling of it, our dynamic how strange it is, or better put, my strangeness in regards to us/you... but in a beautiful artistic song kind of way, rather than merely writing about it. working off of your name, Thursday and Rain, as metaphors for a girl/relationship...

I am really taking my time with songs now... instead of plowing through them... I may do many many drafts of the same song over a period of weeks or months...
Just now I wrote more for the song, I just take notes about the feelings, pages and pages, play with words, things like that... and then eventually I just keep singing till the actual lyrics flow out from the various words and sentences off the various pages ... the way they are meant to. this is a new way for me to write. I may take a whole notebook to write one song. what divinity. What freedom. What creative expression this style affords. With the below I may only use a sentence or two from the whole thing in the final version of the song. that's the beauty of this new style.

It used to rain on Thursday
Thursday came and so it rained
In a black dress
A seamless pounding rain upon me
Smoking cigarettes and making fun of me
Teasing me with tears of laughter
I laughed as well and hoped that it would never stop
Her making love to me on Thursday
And so it rained

But now I thirst for Thursday
It hasn’t rained in many years
I am dry without her
I shed no tear for Thursday
But pray for rain each day

It rained in the subway once I saw her
When Thursday came
Appeared out of nowhere
Pouring down on everyone
But no one said a word for Thursday

She teased me
and I gloried in that moment
Closed my eyes and smiled wide
Leaned my head back and laughed inside
and prayed that she would never leave

But Thursday came and went
The first and last rain of the year
I shed a tear for Thursdays rain
And hope that I will see her again

You could go on and on and really you're just sowing seeds. Just throwing them down into the soil hoping something brilliant will one day sprout; to use as fodder for song. so you can take your attention off of it completely. Its not like the intention is to write poetry. Because that's not the intention. I'm no poet that's for sure. I'm too lazy and ADD to be a poet. You're just letting it out without thought to use eventually. Almost like going shopping for clothes. You buy a bunch of clothes whenever you are in the mood that you like without attention to what will go with what. and after a few years you have this big beautiful wardrobe to choose from each day. like that. songwriting should be like that. free. Easy. expressive. Without attention. I used to be very focused and demanding of it. trying to get them done as fast as I could. at least for me now its not that way anymore. in two years I will surely be extolling the virtues of an entirely different style. And again, that's the way it should be.

Current spin: serge gainsbourg, L’etonnant. This is an early serge album from 1961. very good. classic early sixties French fire-side pop music. more like it. had to be something to all the hype around this guy. good music.

I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life today. a few days ago I had a conversation in the early morning hours with this lady out in Sedona who channels... it is said. I had been told by her that I had six angels with me at all times. she said that everyone has at least one, that she has three, and that I was very lucky because six was the most that a person could have. now of course because I do not necessarily believe in angels, but would love to, I was skeptical, found it amusing, but nonetheless was certainly happy to hear it. I asked her several times if she really believed this angels stuff... she assured me that they are real. I also asked her if angels share us or if each of us in her belief has our own private angels... at first she was a little taken aback by my questions. She paused for a moment and then replied that each of us has our own private angels all to ourselves. I asked her ‘well don't they have anything better to do? I mean, don't they have lives of their own? she said that for those that choose that, that is their lifes work in that incarnation. They are happy to hang around us, watch over us, guide us, etc... interesting. she said I could communicate with them. that I could ask to connect more with them. they will never do anything that will hurt you. they will never come into your life if they think it will affect you negatively, she tells me. she told me that when you find feathers that that is a sign of the angels being around you. perhaps telling you something.

Each night I go to sleep and I speak to them. as I am lying there in the dark I speak out loud to them. ‘hi you guys. its me. Fishy. I know you're there. I've been told you are at least. Although I could be talking to myself. Which is fine. Anyway, I know there are six of you. at least this is what I'm told.’ I stare into the darkness. Any minute expecting to see something. ‘so I'm asking you to come into my life more.  I want to see you. I want you to know that I want to connect with you more. I want to know you. I want to see you. indeed if there is anyone in the world who is ready to see you and to know you it is certainly me. I am not afraid. I'm not saying I need lightening and thunder bolts and all that. in fact, I would rather you guys leave that for someone else really. Just show up. here. now. in my apartment. That would be fine. I am happy to know that you are there. please feel free to contact me in anyway you can...’ and every night I have been having this little conversation with them. very happy as I fall asleep. Almost giddy from the experience. For whatever reason.

Today I was in the Hermes store on Madison avenue smelling the new Hermessence line of colognes and admiring some new Hermes scarf designs. Nothing I like more than smells. Except maybe a beautiful girl in an Hermes scarf. To those that know me personally I am berated for my over the top cologne collection. At last count it stood at a few over eighty. I think they call that OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. But one could have worse disorders than that I would think. I may be crazy, but at least I always smell good. anyway, a very pleasurable experience indeed.

Afterwards, I walked by the Christ church on park avenue, built in 1913. for some reason I decided to go in and sit a while. strange I thought, almost second guessing myself. I'm not even a believer. I thought. But it will be nice, came the thought. I will go in and sit for a while and connect with the God force. Something compelled me to go in. I sat there for a while. eyes open. eyes closed. Talked to God. talked to the angels. Pretty soon I felt the most amazing energy all around me. it snuck up on me. one minute I was only aware of myself and the strange fact that I was in this church, wondering why I was in the church in the first place. and in the next minute I had my head back and my eyes closed and I was just in ecstasy. Feeling the most profound sense of love and peace and comfort I had ever felt.

When I opened my eyes minutes later I noticed that there was this tiny feather sitting on the seat next to me. one of those tiny little fuzzy feathers. Maybe an inch or two long. brand new. Just sitting there. I stared at it and looked up at the cathedral ceiling and smiled.

I took this to be from the angels and of the God force. It was quite magnificent. A few hours later I walked into the men's room at the studio and I swear to God I walked up to a urinal and laying right there below the urinal was this tiny little white feather about an inch or two long. just sitting there by itself. Waiting for me. how did it get in the building? Took it as a sign. Looked up and cracked a smile and a nod. So there are angels after all. either that or there are some invisible birds following me around here in the men's room.


Current spin: David Byrne, grown backwards. His new one. LOVE IT. such art. My my. I'm sure it will be entirely ignored except by die-hards. It’s just that good. so fucking experimental it is making me drool sometimes... in general his voice gets on my nerves a bit after a half hour. but so does my own. so does almost anyone's. that's why Beatles or eagles or Fleetwood mac records are so good. changes it up here and there. not just one singer. this is a great CD if you are looking for something different and creative. Like all his releases. The man just has it.

All of a sudden it is staying light outside much longer. You can sit in the park till 8pm and still see some specs of sunlight in the city. it’s very nice. they call this an Indian summer. where right in the middle of winter or spring it gets hot for a few days. what a relief it is for everyone.

Current spin: yellowcard. Thought I'd try. You know. Good kid music is what you'd call it I guess. pop punk is what they are calling it these days. punk without balls. Catchy grungy guitar pop without that sense of rock-godness. You hear the talent – the instrument talent, well practiced is a good way to put it. But its weird how music is now. the sound fitting in with what's in is more important than the validity of the actual artist. Its not ‘artist oriented’ as much anymore. It’s a game of churn and burn. Artists like John mayor or lenny –jet and keane and coldplay are all great -- are still getting in every now and then but its more like they're slipping through the cracks rather than the norm. Nothing inspiring here for me on this cd. Not like the strokes last one which I just listened to again today and just love. That CD kicks ass. I think Julian is really good. and I think he's going to keep getting better. If the suits let him keep at it.

On the subway. Still seeing the judgments come in sometimes. In the movie they call my thoughts. Judgments of other beings coming and going. where is the knower who knows all and judges not? how long must I wait to become him?

current spin: on Amazon.com for the last two hours doing research. Everyday this week. hours and hours and hours. I purchased 19 cds. got all the new releases coming out that I felt that I could at least get through even once... but most of them I just listened to.... funeral, doves, shins, Decembrists, Kaiser chiefs, Louis the 14th, all the bands that are the next big thing for the most part are just the same old thing with a different singer.... honestly just didn't feel the need to purchase any of it. wanted to want to but just didn't want to... same old 4/4 rock and pop. Nothing new... I read so many incredible reviews and album descriptions only to listen and quickly learn that there wasn't anything new there.... but I did purchase some way out stuff, mouse on mars, boards of Canada, squarepusher, drum and bass, atmospheric, avant garde instrumental, a new sigur ross re-release. Bought the new Gwen CD because it sounds like the production is off the charts. And of course a few of the newest hip-hop cds because that's where all the creativity is these days.

I think that puts the total this month at 50. no, maybe not, hold on, I will check... stand by.... o.k. I'm back. I just counted.... 91 cds from Amazon.com since January I purchased. That's nuts. And that doesn’t include bmg, Columbia house, virgin and tower stores, the occasional bestbuy splurges, and CD collections from eBay (this is my own little secret weapon: go on eBay and type in “CD collection” and just buy other peoples whole collections from them. There will be a lot you have in your collection, but those you can quickly sell on Amazon at a good used price, but whatever you don’t have may be something really cool you’ve never heard of. Good way to get turned on to things...) I'm probably buying a few hundred cds a month at this point trying to find anything in music is totally off the charts...

A few nights ago, before the sunrise, I was on Amazon researching African music spawned by a recent discovery of that Moroccan CD and I purchased a big supply of African cds – about twenty of them. Salif keita, youssou ndour, king sunny ade, ladysmith, Ali farka, etc... and just about anything anyone recommended.... also anything I didn't have of the David byrne catalogue because he is so cool. Very inspirational he is. He is... exploring, adventurous, Totally out there, willing to try anything, no matter how crazy it might sound in the end.  not always on, but who is?

now I am listening to something called a world out of time, Henry Kaiser and David lindley in Madagascar. More documentary than pure music. did you know that Madagascar is an island? Off the southeast coast of Africa? And here they are making music.. and I'll tell you, its pretty normal sounding music. nothing so far here too far out. but good. funny, but it sounds like island music. why does island music sound like island music? now there is a guy called Roger Georges with a song called aza mamaraha playing... very cool. the instrumentation is totally different. Which is what I'm looking for now. new instrumentation so I can add it to pop and rock and new musical ideas, new scales entirely. somehow someway I will break from this mold of creating normal predictable pop rock songs and albums.

Spring in the park. Incessant pain from the Princess Little Tree creation. Nothing is cohesive slowly climbing the charts like the little train that could. me in a swamp of desires and resistances lost in the sea of me like a madman. Tossed about like a little tug-boat. Thank God for the gym. Without working out I would be dead or insane. Years ago the way that I am would have killed me. living in my mind is like living in a zoo with all the animals gone mad. Madison square park in nyc in spring. Any park in nyc. Parks offer such community. A sense of community we don't get in suburban America where we drive. Places like this where no one drives and just walks everywhere. everyone is so used to being on top of one another. I really like this. I'll tell you, there's gotta be thousands of us here.

Wasn't it a week ago that we were all bundled up in big coats and scarves and now everyone skipping about in shorts and sandals. There must be over a thousand people here. remembering the sun. every kind of person. so different from the rest of America. So different than the suburbs. There is real joy. an isolated joy. a shared joy. an exuberance fills the air. For all of us. people are here just to sit and read. to sit and breathe. To sit take in the fresh and the sun. to walk their babies. Or their dogs. Or to smoke or to write. Or to eat their lunch. Or to just sit and stare off into space between us all. couples are here holding each other. Bums are here to sleep and druggies are here to bum. But yes, many people just sit and stare, and assumably, to think, or better, to get lost in those thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. Who are we without our thoughts? Who are we with our thoughts? What are these thoughts? Can we ever capture them? hundreds and hundreds of thoughts. Is it all there is to humankind? Like a never ending movie playing in each of our minds. Secret movies. That only we can see. That only the individual can see. In his own mind. What an amazing thought. The little movies. I sit and stare at the others, imagining what little movie is playing in their mind as they sit there staring off into space... could be anything... one can only imagine...

most popular dogs in the parK? Beagles, German shepards, golden retrievers, or cavalier spaniels. The way the pigeons and squirrels are treated here one would think that they are also dogs. Everyone feeds them and pays them much attention. sparrows as well.

Current spin: modest mouse, good news for peeps who love bad news. really unexpected goodness here. very unique. Totally on their own out there just doing whatever the hell they want. Still basic pop and rock. But good stuff. I like it.

Also, checking out this CD called Rumi, the beloved is here. a collection of songs written around Rumi poetry. the very famous Dariush from Iran is one of the main singers on it. and Ramesh. The more I listen to Iranian music the more I like it. the only  thing is that I have not found any real balls in their music yet. not in three thousand years worth of music making have I heard anything remotely ballsy... it is all very calm and peaceful for the most part. Even when they are totally going for it full on passion it is reserved compared to much of what we are used to from western or Latin countries. Still the scales are slightly different and that's refreshing.

In good news Juliet is about to take the Avatar course, which makes me very happy. another aligned companion to play with. My goal is have everyone I know, everyone in the world really, to discover it. Today was such a beautiful day. spring finally really here. the last few days being so dreadful and cold after spring teased for a few days. finally really poked its head out fully today. must have been 70. everyone in shorts and sandals as if it were summer. I must admit that was strange. I went out all day without my big coat. Talk about a reality shift. The winter coat is like armor. It takes getting used to it not being with you. what will I do with all my gadgets without pockets? Actually almost hot today though.

Started with brunch with the guys in union square, talking girls and money of course, sun shining down upon us and thousands of beautiful people wandering the sidewalks and cafes with bare shoulders and sunglasses and no cares in the world. then a little shopping. Then the cigar shop to have a smoke with the old rich guys. then to the four seasons hotel in midtown to enjoy their ‘afternoon tea’ ritual which consists of loose leaf tea, plenty of alcohol, little bite-size sandwiches, and cakes and pies and tarts galore. Ashleigh was up from Phili with her sister. Three hours in a giant ballroom sized dining room just the four of us discussing the meaning of life over tea and cake and these mini sandwiches, which no matter how many I ate I could not fill up on. But I did discover something ‘Devonshire cream’ which you spread on a scone... wow. Delicious. Couldn’t get enough of it. (if ‘which’ is ‘which’ then how can ‘sandwich’ be ‘sandwich’ without the ‘h?’ English is truly fucked. Just totally illogical.)

Current spin: les negresses vertes. Best of. An awesome French band that throws it all in. this guy I know from French class gave me a DVD with about 60 gigs worth of mp3s on it of French music. this was one of the many artists on that DVD which are all now randomly floating around in my ipod. Very creative stuff. all sorts of funky sounds. Dance oriented but still intelligent and catchy pop rock. Digging it right now. more than one listen. Don't know much about them but will look into.

G2 emails me to be careful about certain pix I want to post, that if I post them now people will think I am a retard but if he posts them after I am dead, then they will think I am a creative genius. Funny beliefs I think and I tell him not to sweat it. I am tired of sweating it now. trying to fit in with some imaginary “them.” instead I tell him we’re just going to go for it. stop thinking. stop second guessing. Just be us. after all man we’re fucking artists. Why not just go for it. Totally in the flow. A new way of being rock stars and artists. The old way. Being real. Pure poetry in the moment dog, I tell him. No more pretense. Just being in the flow. Can you handle it?

Current spin: serge gainsbourg, histoire de melody nelson. Over-hyped. You can hear why the French went crazy for it because it was at the time the most outrageous thing they had probably had ever created on their own musically but compared to what the rest of the world was doing its just not that amazing or awe-inspiring