Talking on the phone to Beav tonight about how in school we never learned about money. Never learned about taxes. Never learned about insurance. Never learned about how to buy a car. Never learned about credit cards. Or interest. Or equity. Or how to buy a home. Or how to run a business. Or how to get a loan. They just send you out there knowing nothing. You spend the first ten years of your life totally ignorant on how to accomplish the most basics of being a citizen and getting dicked over by everyone learning all these lessons the hard way. What the hell did we learn in school?

Schwarzenegger's $4 million loans ruled illegal
01/27/04 05:02 AM, EST
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger broke a state law during the closing weeks of the recall race when he took out $4.5 million in bank loans to help his cash-starved campaign, according to a preliminary ruling from a superior court judge.


The above story posted here just to prove a point. A thousand dollars says we never hear much more about it. That it just mysteriously goes away... it is the nature of the country we live in and the times we live in. You steal forty dollars, you're going to jail. You steal millions, or commit some really big serious crimes (think white water, Iran-contra, WMD, Enron, etc...) and one way or another you can find a way to buy your way out of it, or get it to disappear. I guess that if you are rich that's a good thing, but if you’re just one of the people, it doesn’t seem too fair... normally you read a statement like this from someone and it just sounds like the whining of some probably poor disgruntled Middle American... one of those jealous of everyone types or bored conspiracy types. Except for the fact that its been happening more and more and more all over our country the last few years. Some of it makes it to the mainstream news. a lot of it doesn’t. but even after it is revealed, most of it seems to just sort of vanish. Replaced instead by some inane who kissed who and who is marrying who filler and pseudo-news... 
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Tonight I had dinner with Chester Oglethorpe III. The Chester Oglethorpe III. The one and only. Owner of one of the largest retail outlets and manufacturing companies in America. Better known as Chess to millions of people around the world. No need to go into the hundreds of millions of dollars he is worth, his reputation as one of the shrewdest business men in America today, and the fanciful dinner parties he and his wife of twenty-three years are famous for throwing through the year. by now it is legend. Tonight we had a dinner party of our own. A celebration of sorts. What is not widely known are the tens of thousands of men women and children who work for him in slave labor camp conditions in many little villages in various far-eastern countries, and the hundreds of people who have died in these little sweat shops over the years.

Between the Ferret and Vancouver... there are very few people that you can actually count on in this life.

Current Spin: warren zevon, genius, the best of. I have not heard anything genius on this CD yet. maybe people just say that sometimes about an artist when they are getting ready to die or after they die...

Last screening: King Kong from the seventies. With a trumped up, way over the top Jessica Lange really laying it on thick. But it has this certain drama to it. I wonder how it was received when it first came out? o.k. I just went to the Internet movie database and checked it out, (what a great website! www.imdb.com).

I know this doesn’t make any sense, but today is the 29th of February. Now we all know February only has 28 days. so today is ... Hhhmmmm... a freebie perhaps. We are in a time warp.
I am watching the Oscars. [ps---Sophia Coppolla.... I love you, even though I was slightly bored during your movie....] I like the Oscars much more than the Grammy's. they are much more dignified and decent. More intelligent, more sincere. Which is funny because they are all supposedly actors. But somehow they just come off so much more sincere. The music business has really turned into something kind of gaudy and cheesy and disgusting. Repugnant in a way. not a lot of dignity, even when they try. every year I get invited to attend the Grammy's and every year so far I have decided not to go. partly because I have never been nominated for one and so I just am too filled with jealousy and resentment for not being nominated so I figure I'll just boycott them till I get one myself... funny but you know I mean that's true to a certain degree. I mean we all take what we do quite seriously and are huge fans of our own work. So... you know I'm just telling it as I feel it, but that's only part of it... to me the biggest challenge has always been talking myself into taking part in something so like I said gaudy and cheesy and silly and all that. it all seems so clichéd and tarted up. it is hard to see art in the Grammy's, compared to say the Oscars, where for one night they leave the bullshit behind and really focus on the art of their industry. The Grammy's still come off like a bunch of high school kids trying to act cool. For me that's always been hard. The whole acting cool thing. I've tried. But I've just never been good at it. and that may be one of the reasons why I've never been nominated for a Grammy or even been too popular of an artist over the last ten years. a lot of what goes into the music business just isn't me. I love music. more than anything. I think every one knows that. and I love making music more than anything else in the world. I think that's probably pretty obvious as well. but what I don't like about the industry is the circus act side of it. so when I think of going to the Grammy's it makes me feel queasy. Like I have to throw up. it wasn't always that way. on the underground you can find DVDs of all the old Grammy award shows from the sixties and seventies and eighties. Those shows weren't always that way. I don't think the biz was that way yet. there was still a lot of amazing things going on. Artists had relationships with record labels for longer than two years. the industry fostered great art, where as now some great art sneaks through every now and then—I think we’re seeing that with linkin park and John mayor and Norah Jones and Dave grohl and so many others---but at this point the business is trying so hard just to hang on , just fighting for its own survival, that the only thing it is fostering is whatever finds a way to make money. so today's stars are tomorrows guest vjs on VH1 and next years where are they now episodes. Its like no one has the chance to develop as an artist anymore. Watching the Grammy awards one can see that. you can see that in all the glitz and gloss and fancy bullshit sets and all the lip-synching divas with fake tits and guys with fur coats and sunglasses in a hot dark theatre. its a lot of bullshit. so if you’re thing is just trying to make great music, trying to make great art in your own way, and that's your passion... then yeah even the idea of the Grammy's can make you feel a bit nauseous....  let alone going. so who knows maybe one day, but my true goal is to make great music, one great album. something like the wall or abbey road or born to run or achtung baby. I mean, that's the real goal. Or even more than that.... to make a better album... something totally different and earth shattering, and innovative and out there. something we've never heard before. people don't usually get Grammy's for that. but I think that's alright. It all depends on where your passion is.

We were contacted by a very prominent radio promoter today. He and i spoke for about an hour. He said that the band is making a name for itself and with the right push he could push us into mainstream radio. He thinks his best shot is the song Girls, Minnie Driver, or I’m not the only one if we edit them down a bit and take out the bad words.

What a conversation it was. Asked me if i thought our label had what it took to make it happen if he should start to get successful... I asked him what exactly he meant. What was he talking about? Tell me straight up and I’ll tell you if i think we can do it. Well its as bad as we had always heard. We had a heart to heart and he told it to me straight up how it works if you want to get real airplay or actually chart on commercial stations.

He can get interest if the song is good... but in order to get spins we need to give them lots of free cds, merch, and various other things like hundreds of dollars worth of gift certificates to Best Buy and other stores. We would be paying for spins and “adds” at certain key stations called indicator stations. This would cost tens of thousands... but its how it works. Its what gets the interest at the bigger stations.
 

I did not return to my grandparents’ house for many years. it is true. I boycotted all family affairs. And because secretly and sadly I told myself that I was too well-bred, well spoken, and snobbish to fit in with my father’s side of the family I avoided them entirely. they always made fun of me when I would visit them, and their poor manners offended me as much as my good manners offended them. So I was a very lonely young man for many years, which we needn’t go into here as I am sure there are thousands of pages in the diaries already recounting it from those days.

For the next five years I tried desperately hard to be an average working class kind of guy and fit in with the rest of the world. But no one would have it. The problem with being even slightly well-bred is that people can see you coming from a mile away. They can see it in the way that you walk and hear it in the tone of your voice. It makes them immediately suspicious of you. So trying to figure out where I fit in at all became an impossible exercise. So I stopped trying. I just started accepting who I was, and creating who I wanted to be. by the time I grew up and out of all of that both my grandfathers had already died. I was not sad. Instead I felt free. I was no longer bound to either side, but rather I could forge ahead and make my own path for my future family. But the mystery sometimes is what kind of path will that be... somewhere down the middle I guess.

Last night we were at dinner with some girl friends of ours and these girls started talking about their sex toys and masturbation habits. It was hilarious but at the same time I was aghast. They were describing things that they assumed that all people knew about and spoke freely about at dinner and everywhere else. I was in shock. And they were in shock that I didn't know anything about these things and they kept looking to Bas and Ferret and asking is he for real? “Fishy’s kind of been living in his own little world for a few years now... don't mind him.” somewhere inside I still hang on to this vision that all women aspire to be Princess Di or Audrey Hepburn. But the truth is that perhaps its only I that aspire women to be like this now. And most girls these days don't even know ... well you get the picture. But here's where it gets tricky.

I called Bloopy immediately to tell him the news. “Its for real man. Its happening.” “I thought we were going to stay indie man? Indie or die. Remember?” “Yeah I know. But bro to be honest, we’re running out of money. We can’t fund this thing forever on our own. We want this as bad as we don't want it. You know?” “Yeah. I guess. Are they going to release sleep with you the way it is now?” “Bro, I don’t know yet. There are a lot of ideas floating around. I know they're pulling Minnie Driver more up to the beginning of the CD.” “Man that's not good. That’s the worst song on the CD... our careers will be over before the CD hits the shelves...” “Look, we may have to just do whatever they want with this man. Its better than what we got now.” “What about nothing is cohesive? Did they talk about it? They aren't going to change it are they?” “Didn't say. We’ll see. They liked it. don't worry man. This is a good thing. we can make videos and go on a real tour for once.” “We always said we wouldn’t sell out.” “I know man, but don't look at it as selling out. Look at it as buying in. We got a chance here to play a bigger game. I say we buy in for once.”

Tonight I celebrated with a cigar. A montecristo exclusivo. An expensive cigar. Now I understand why smoking a cigar is so wonderful. Why it is such an amazing experience. It has been some time since I smoked a very expensive cigar. The five dollar ones are one thing. mildly enjoyable. But the ten dollar ones are just amazing. and the twenty dollar ones? Forget about it. they are an almost orgasmic experience. So smooth and delicious and yet strong and bold, with many flavors. God I cannot wait till I can afford again to never smoke anything that costs less than ten to twenty dollars per... Crazy I know. But worth every penny.

So I smoked and reflected on where we are now as a band. Wow. I have two big hopes in my life. Two big dreams I have carried with me since I was very young. One is to play for large audiences that love my music as I do---that give me as much love as I feel for the music we make. And two, to find the woman of my dreams, the love of my life. to finally meet her and hold her in my arms and thank God for her. To cry a thousand tears with her over our gratitude for at last finding one another in this big lonely world.


il ambasciatore says:
when will you leave for France?
G2 says:
it's the best of both worlds
il ambasciatore says:
my god your poor mom...
G2 says:
3 weeks tops
il ambasciatore says:
i am so sorry you are going through this...

I still feel like I am in this time warp. Strange feeling. Sometimes it is day. Sometimes it is night. I am going to Orlando to hang out with a bunch of friends. And then to see Maddie and Mohdie and their new baby. I don't feel that I am sleeping well at all. I never fell rested.

Tonight it happened. The first. The first of many. I can still smell it... I followed her out to her car. Stopped her in the parking lot before she had a chance to even know what was happening. I grabbed her by the arm and started walking her towards the alley behind the restaurant. “If you scream a fucking word, you will suffer. Do you hear me? Walk with me. Don’t say a fucking thing. Once behind the restaurant, “Do you know why I am here?” She was shaking. And crying. “No,” sobbing, “who are you?” “that’s not important. But you know who I am. And you know why I am here.” “No I don’t. No I don’t! I have never seen you before. Honest.... please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me...” she pleaded. “Who is Judy Woodridge?” She burst into tears... “Judy was my...” “Yes Judy was your roommate... And what happened to Judy? Judy isn't here anymore is she? Judy is dead isn't she?” “Who are you? Why are you telling me this? How do you know me? What do you want?” “You are sick. And I have come to set you free.” I pulled out a knife and lunged it into her stomach and yanked it up as far as it would go. Her face went pale. And froze. Her blood splattered all over me. It was warm and wet. I could taste it. I let her body fall lifeless to the ground. She would die. Soon. I looked all around me and saw no one. I didn't run. I walked away.

I was parked on the side of the road downtown with the top down. Smoking a cigar and typing. I want to do a series of interviews with priests and nuns and other religious leaders I have met over the years. Been collecting these various people for a long time. I was creating a list of questions for them. Things like, do you think God is a man or a woman? Or is he just beyond all that in your mind? Do you regret not having sex all your life? do you think that not having sex all your life has brought you closer to God?

I'm typing away. just totally absorbed. And then I hear this voice like right next to me. and I jump. Totally freaked out. and I look up and there's this lady, obviously a homeless lady standing next to the car. “didn't mean to scare you sir.” me a sir? that's funny. “But do you have a cigarette?” I was startled. “Oh no, I don't smoke.” I say with this cigar hanging out of my mouth. She gives me this confused look, like I'm crazy or something. “But do you need some money?” her eyes light up. she is sniffling. Eyes all bloodshot. “yeah I could use some!” she says. I reach into my pocket. Fuck all I have is a twenty left. “Here you go.” I give her the twenty. She is so happy. I don't tell Bas or Cleo or Beaver or mom or anyone that I give away so much money all the time to strangers. they would think I'm fucking crazy. I can’t even pay my bills the last couple of months. So broke these days... i could use that money to eat... but then, im not wandering the streets asking people for money. At least not yet... but that's not the point. Face it, I am crazy in that respect. Is there such a thing as irresponsible giving? If there is, then I'm one of the biggest offenders.... perhaps there's a 12 step program... but when someone is in need, and no matter you’ve ever thought or been told, anyone who’s gotten to the point where they are asking total strangers for money is in need, and so I don't know, but... maybe its an irresponsible responsibility that we all have to give to those of us who have reached that point in their lives... something like that.

Who Am I?

I understand the Blue Mask now... I thought I was Tobias Guess. I Thought that one day I would be. I just always assumed it. Didn't know for sure. I thought the Blue Mask was a character I was working on. I had no idea... I had no idea this would happen...

What happened? How did this happen? maybe its not important to know... or to understand what is happening or how it got like this. maybe its just important to know what to do next. It came to me... all at once.... in the car. That's when it was. It was in the car. Before we hit... the Blue Mask and who he is. who I am?

My God. My face. Oh my God my face. I understand now. it wasn't a character. All this time... I thought that it was....

I am underground now. I have come out. Through a door of bright light from underground. Some sort of time warp. But for how long? I need to disappear completely. There is a reason I lived. Am I alive? I must be alive. But it is all very clear now. what I must do. I will do my best to end the suffering. When there is a murder I will be there before it takes place. I will go underground and come out only to kill them. all of them. before anyone has the chance to strike, I will be there. I will hunt them down in the streets and in the alleys and I will kill them before they have a chance to attack. I can see something... I can see it in their eyes now, isn't that strange? I can see it in people’s eyes when they are about to commit a crime... I can feel it on my skin.

I can see it on their faces, when someone is trying to hide it. I can feel it inside of them.... and they see that I see... they see me, and they get up to leave. But I follow them. I will seek the revenge that every mother and father and son and daughter or husband or wife has ever hungered for in the dead of night. I will hunt down and kill every one of them who has ever committed a crime against another. I will kill them when they are sleeping. when they are eating. when they least expect it.

But there is more to it. how can I stop the suffering of the poor and struggling? When there is so much wealth in the world. There is so much to be shared. I will steal from the wealthy and give the money to the poor and struggling; before they even have a chance to know what happened, their money will be gone and redistributed. if they will not give themselves, then I will give for them. I will redistribute it for them. and I will not be the only one. o.k. I understand this. there will be more. it won't just be me. people will see and they will understand. And they will start to do the same. If a man kills then he shall be killed. If a woman is about to kill, she will be killed first. If a man does not want to give of himself to others than he shall be taken from. and put out on the street to struggle, like those he chose not to help at one time or another. It is clear now.

I had no idea. I am the Blue Mask. I didn't get it. I get it now. it was me all along...

I do not know who I am. Or where I am. I was in the car.... I was at the office? and then in the car? But now... where is this? where am I now? who am I now?

Picking Up Hitch Hikers

Picked up this old black guy today who was hitchhiking on south beach. It was about 10 or 11 at night. I pull over. Roll down the window; “where you headed old man?” “Where you going?” he asks me. “downtown.” “then downtown it is.” he hops in the passengers side. We’re off. I get on the freeway. Start driving fast. we say nothing. I drive faster. I'm up to 90. I look over at him. “I just lost my wife a few months back.” he says out of the blue. ‘Motherfucker,’ I think. “Lost my son a few years ago. Now I got nothing.” Felt the pain come up inside of me. I drove faster. “God man. That sucks. I lost my fiancé a few years ago.” “she died?” “Not exactly...” “Sorry to hear that.” I drove faster. I'm doing over a hundred miles an hour now. “God man. That just really sucks.” “Your fiancé?” he asks. “No man, about your wife and kid. Man that's just so sad. How are you about it?” I look over at him. he has this glazed look on his face. “I'm o.k. I figure I'm doing as good as you can be doing.” “yeah I guess so.” “You can drive faster if you want to. I don't mind. Boy this is a nice car you got here. whatch you do? if you don't mind me asking.” “Me? I'm a singer.” I reply. “That's nice. you're a singer...” “Well actually, I'm a self-absorbed, self-congratulating, stoned-out, sex-crazed, linguistically-challenged singer... if you read the press.” “My my my. You all that? That's nice...” ‘that's nice?! I think.... ‘what is this guy crazy?’ “My son, he was a football player.” “Oh really? That's cool man. How’d he die if you don't mind me asking?” “Leukemia. Just came up one day and got him.” “goddamn man. You just never know huh...” “No. you just never know...” 

I pushed the pedal down. I hit 120. I put both hands on the wheel. “Man we’re driving fast...” he comments. “You don't mind?” I ask him. “You want me to slow down?” I look over. “What if I told you I don't care whatch you do?” he asks me quietly. “I’d understand.” “what if I told you I wouldn’t care.....” he stops mid sentence. “yeah me either man.” I sigh, and just face the road. There hasn’t been a day in months that I haven't fantasized about dying in some way or another, I'm thinking. and here I am with some guy I don't even know who feels the same way... mother fucker. The last thing I need is an excuse to pull the plug. I pictured us crashing into a wall. Just going up in flames and a huge explosion. All the pain and the agony and the frustration gone forever. all of it over. I pushed the pedal down further. I had never hit 130 but I was willing to try for it. hovering just below 130... “you're a young man still... you got a lot to live for.” He tells me. the car is on the edge. The slightest wrong move and we are fucking eleven o'clock news. “yeah I know. I keep telling myself that man. I keep saying that to myself man. I keep fucking saying that to myself man every day but...” I'm screaming... “but it don't work like that sometimes, right?” “Right.” I say despondently. A soft “yeah” Is all he gets out. I hit 130. I'm weaving around the slower drivers when I have to. there was a moment there where I was just waiting for it. just waiting. Any minute. And it could happen. it could all be over. For both of us. For me and the sad old black man. Eternal freedom. We roll in this baby at a hundred and thirty and we are free from all of it forever.

Every night we fall asleep and kill another day off. We wake up and tell ourselves today’s gonna be different. Today we’re gonna make more money. today we’re gonna get some good news. today we’re gonna get that contract. Today we’re gonna meet that special someone.... Instead, today I wake up to a message from Infinito that his best friends parents both just died in a train wreck and the kid isn't older than 23 years. And instead this old black man lost the only two people he ever loved within a few years. and now he’s alone. wandering the streets of Miami. lost. Aimless. No structure. No nothing. I kept driving faster. My heart was racing. My skin was crawling. I was sweating like crazy. Was I the angel that would deliver this sad old man to eternal salvation? Was he an angel come down from heaven to take me with him? He just sat there. glazed over. my mind was racing. I kept the pedal down.

There’s that lady whose daughter went into a coma eighteen years ago and all their money ran out so now she has to take care of her at home, her daughter just laying there in her room, a vegetable for eighteen maddening fucking years... the story of that other lady who was driving home from work one night when some guy in another car shot her at point blank range on the highway and blinded her for life for no reason. I can’t shake the images... Those two kids who got kidnapped last month at nikki beach club in Miami, the guy beat up and the girl raped and murdered. Those fucking bastards. Queenie and her eating disorders, when she's perfectly healthy and has everything to live for but just can’t seem to find any joy in her life... And all those orphans in Africa who have lost their parents to aids. They say its like 25 million kids now without parents? Could that be true? and what are we doing about it here? man, I don't know. all we see on TV is the same faked-out paid-for and piped-in gratuitous crap. my God the fucking horror. Where are we? What is all this anyway? what is this world of pain and tragedy? What are we all doing here? is there no fucking lucky break? Is it just the same fucking grind day after day? year after year? just praying everyday that someone isn't going to die? Or that something good is going to happen...and all around us just constant suffering. Somewhere someone is always suffering. We are bombarded by the stories. And everyday we tell ourselves, ‘it won't happen to me or my family. It just can’t happen...’ but it does. Everyday. All around us. We could end this now. I could end this now for both of us. Everyone will think it was an accident.... me and the old man.

“Old man?” “yeah...” “you ready?” “Yeah...” “Me too...”

Studying - Is It Worth It?

Where does all the information we read about go in our minds? It seems as though we are only able to gather a certain amount and then previous information disappears... can we get that previous information back again? we study study study. Always learning new things. taking new materials in... But is it worth it to study at all? or are we going to forget most of it anyway? Loren Eisley said in one of his books that our ideas become lost forever if we forget them, that they don't come back. need to write em all down. So for the last fifteen years I have been writing it all down. Like crazy. cause I observed that he was right. at night when I am falling asleep, I am very conscious of the thoughts as I try to get into that meditative state without thoughts. But just before you hit that state I usually get flooded with many good ideas. If there are just a few, then I make a mental note of them and count them, and then every morning I have gotten into the habit now for a few years of remembering to ask myself about the previous nights ideas just before I feel asleep. If the number is under five, I can recall all of them. I almost never now forget to ask myself upon first awakening, “O.k. now, recall all the ideas you had just before you feel asleep and then I will write them all down before I eve get out of bed. But if the number hits five ideas or more then I have to write them down because I know I will forget all of them, at least that's what I tell myself. So then I have to lean over and start scribbling them down. A few years ago I found this amazing pen that has a little green light at the tip where the point is, so you can write in the dark. It is amazing. you don’t have to turn the light on in your room. You just start writing and you can se what you are writing. it is a brilliant invention. God I wonder if that person made a fortune with it.... I hope so. Anyway, these are self generated ideas I am speaking of. Different than the information we collect when studying...  other peoples ideas. Its interesting when you think about it. because it is a physical phenomenon, although it seems rather metaphysical because its all happening in our brain... collecting and then accessing information... but this has got be a physical activity, I mean the information must be going somewhere, being stored somewhere in or on our physical body, in the brain they say. So one would assume that it stays there. all of it. everything we ever learn. forever. just isn't present in our consciousness at all times... I can’t necessarily recall right now what my phone number was when I lived in Atlanta ten years ago. but if you read me ten numbers I would definitely be able to tell you which one was mine. So the data does stay somewhere.... its stored somewhere.

And think of singers, which I try to be sometimes... I have written about eight or nine hundred songs so far, somewhere close to nine by now, and I cannot necessarily remember every song off the top of my head, but if I look on the list and remember the name of almost any one, and we’re talking now over a period of twenty years worth, I can instantly recall all the lyrics to any song. And all the chords. Almost instantly. And of course many people can do this with say the lyrics to every Beatles song ever written for example. Any song comes on and they know every lyric to every single song and can instantly sing along...

interesting.... the reason I bring it up is because I can’t seem to do this with other types of information, such as historical facts. Like dates and names and such. Or scientific facts... mathematical equations... very difficult to remember in the long term... but I wonder if its just a switch we can turn on in our brains like we can do with song lyrics... maybe just some mechanism that needs to be turned on...

Beav’s birthday today. Glad he was born. Thank God for it. I would die without him in my life. he is the light to my darkness.

Dreamed last night that somehow I ended up in studio/office/communal living space. just ended up there without knowing how or why I was there. I recognized everyone there. many people from my past. But not people I would normally hang out with. Not my ultimate group. but more like just associates. people I am friendly with but would never hang out with or be real close to. and the whole place is filled with them and somehow I am all of a sudden there working with them, and supposedly working with them. something had gone terribly wrong. what the hell was going on? Why was there? it was a gross feeling. It was a lost feeling. I am awake now. I understand the dream. I know what it meant. you cannot spend your time with people or in situations that are not ultimate for you. or you end up going down the wrong path. Like little Genevieve said the other day, I believe there may be more than one soul mate for everyone, just depends on which one you choose. I just sat there thinking about that for a moment. Wow. I think she may be right. Or when the Stallion used to tell me that she didn't necessarily believe in just “one fate.” That if someone fucks up then they fuck up and there they are lost down some path they never should have gone down. I am starting to understand that more and more now. I used to think everything happens for a reason. That “you're in the right place at the right time.” and all that. I don't believe that so much anymore. I think instead that we can really just get off course sometimes and we are not in the right place at the right time. sometimes we can be way off track and everything is not meant to be. this fucking dream I had. what a nightmare. I kept roaming around the different rooms thinking what the fuck am I doing here? I don't really like any of these people. Am I trapped? What is happening? Sometimes we can feel trapped in our lives. By our own circumstances.

[last night Columbia came over to watch a video. We tried to kiss. It didn't work. I think it was the first time that I ever tried to kiss a girl and had it go so badly. I mean, seriously we tried and tried and just couldn’t get it to work. It was weird it was like trying to drive a car that wouldn’t work. It felt like we were robots. It was crazy. and the weirdest part is that we have all these things in common. For weeks I've been so amazed at how aligned we are on so many different things. she loves classical music and opera and brie and guacamole even. I mean, c'mon you'd think we’d be making this mad passionate love by now. but we just can’t get it to work. But the wonderful thing is that we decided to talk about it. I mean, imagine that. no blame or hurt or whatever. we just talked about it and laughed hysterically about it and both decided that we should definitely continue to hang out and become the best of friends but just not ever try to kiss again...]

Last screening: Angela's ashes. Necessary viewing. What a film. Fantastically sad and moving. Even more so because it was true. I wrote on the large drawing pad next to my bed in huge letters the title of the film so I would have to wake up everyday and see it. just to remind me not to be like the father in the film. What a fucking loser. I think that's one of the reasons why I have not ever got married or had children yet. just don't want to fuck it up.

First talk show up went up on TTV: I'm into it. want to do more. http://www.transcendence.com/mediagallery.html

"I often dream about falling. Such dreams are commonplace to the
those who climb mountains, I read once. Lately, I dreamed I was
 clutching at the face of a rock, but it would not hold. Gravel gave way, I
 grasped for a shrub, but it pulled loose and in cold terror I fell into the
 abyss. Suddenly I realized that my fall was relative; that there was no
 bottom and no end. A feeling of pleasure overcame me. I realized that what
 I embody, the principle of life, cannot be destroyed. It is written into the
 cosmic code, the order of the universe. As I continued to fall in the dark
 void, embraced by the vault of the heavens, I sang to the beauty of the
 stars and made my peace with the darkness."

 - Heinz Pagels, physicist and mountain climber

Self Obsessed

"the role of the revolutionary artist is to make revolution irresistible"

Vancouver goes entirely insane. Decides to tour with the Latin singer. we decide from now on he will be our Brian Wilson. Find someone else to tour with for now.

Trying to study Einstein’s theory of Special relativity. Having to read the same paragraphs over and over again to understand. Need to take some course or something where they can draw me diagrams and show me pictures. Try to initiate some contact with the left side of my brain.

Hung with jazz. She looks in the mirror and says oh my what a beautiful work of art you have there. oh never mind its my reflection. Laughs. we talk about how completely self obsessed she is. oh don't worry jazz, I think plenty of people are that way. look on our website. Half those pictures of me I took myself. If you look closely you can see the camera. don't worry you have along way to go to get as self obsessed as I have become over the years. I have perfected the art of self obsession. “I'm such a mystery to myself” she says. So I am just always so fascinated by me, she says. We agree that it can become quite an obsession. Having this love affair with yourself. But after all if one is to become obsessed with something, why not have it be yourself. She can’t stop looking in the mirror.

When people have kids they start becoming obsessed with their children instead. you can always tell people who have kids. [at least those without nannies] because they never look quite as good as those without kids. They start sporting that ‘just thrown together look’ everywhere they go. in the grocery store to buy some coffee ducky goes for the ground coffee and I'm like what the fuck why would you buy it pre-ground? Grind it at home. I have three kids fishy. I don't have the time to grind coffee. I thought oh my God, remind me never to have kids will ya. Jazz is lying on the bed explaining that she is her own child.... I'm the same little girl that I was when I was four but now I am older and have to take of that little girl... only in America can we be so completely vain and selfish and somehow find a way to get away with it in our own eyes and the eyes of others. Now she's off to France for three months. Our airwaves are now filled with reality TV starring people as self obsessed as everyone watching wishes they could be. 

Four of us, four different people in three different countries working on the band website all day today together... so cool. all of us communicating through email and msn simultaneously. The technology revolution in full swing.

Went to South beach tonight on a date. Cannot write about it. yet. But South beach is a cesspool. Its no wonder why everyone closed up their clubs there. in the old days Madonna and sly Stallone and anyone who was anyone lived in the neighborhood. But those days are long gone now. everyone has left now. its just so dirty and hard to stand even for brief moments.

Current Spin: Madonna new one American life. really starting to like it. I love her.

Went to dinner with Ducky who is down to hang with her parents for a few days. Caught up. talked all about all of our old friends from high school and what everyone is doing now. everyone is married with children now. hearing about all these people that you went to high school with and their marriages and children and divorces really made me appreciate how lucky I am that I hadn't got married yet. I know I wasn't supposed to feel that way. looking at all these pictures of people with their kids, on the boat or at Disney world or whatever. I think your supposed to feel really happy for them and like want that for your own life. but for me it just made me so happy that I've been able to live the crazy nomadic lifestyle I have over the years and very relieved that I don't have all that yet.

Hadn’t seen her parents in like twenty years. Her mom is telling me I'll never get married. Your just the perennial bachelor. You’ll be sixty and still think you're in college. I plead with her no Mrs. Ducky its absolutely not true. I would love to get married. Maybe.... Hehe. I just haven't met my wife yet... but if you see her, will you please let her know I'm looking for her and tell her to call me on my cell phone....’ she didn't know if I was kidding or what. Just looked at me like oh my God this kid is still totally insane...

The older you get the more you really start to appreciate the friends you have. the really old long standing been there forever kind of brothers and sisters we collect through the years. its such a nice feeling. Hadn't seen each other in years and there we were drinking and eating and joking; commented that we felt as if we had not spent any time a part at all. that's what old friends feel like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The whole time warp thing is still happening. I pull over on the side of the road all the time now to write on my laptop; I'm doing this thing where ever I am I just pull out my laptop or a pad or my guitar and I just start working. Take notes or work on a song. I'm on this date the other night and we’re at this gas station and I'm pumping gas but then I whipped out this pad and started taking notes and I forget that I'm pumping gas and there's this girl in the passenger’s seat waiting for me. She gets out and says what the hell is happening? What are you doing? Oh you know just taking some notes here on the trunk. Sorry. It's like a time warp.

I am on the phone with Microsoft tech support. About the diaries and saving word files as web pages. Cust service was great. You pay like $35 for each time you call them. for me it has always been worth it to pay and just collect a few issues and get them all answered or resolved at once. The tech I am talking to is in India. Of course. She tells me its about 2 in the morning where she is. I told her it is very sad now about how we are losing all of our jobs here to other countries. she said she understood. I told her that now Dell, American express, Sony, and now even Microsoft have all moved their tech support centers to India. And last week cover of New York Times read “Zero Percent Job Growth in last quarter of 2003.” Zero percent job growth?! Can you imagine? In the land of the American dream???!!! Fucked up. and here I am on the phone with a supposed Microsoft tech support agent—supposedly an American company---and she is in some small town in India. No wonder.

Went to the 5th annual MC awards at tobacco road, a local club. The awards are an extreme joke, but somehow unite the music community like nothing else. MC is like “And now for our next award. For the guy who thinks he doesn’t have to start on time, who thinks that his whole band should get free food and drinks everytime they walk in the place, who thinks that he should actually be paid to perform, there is only one person who deserves this more than any other, ladies and gentlemen, the Prima Donna of the year award goes to Fishy.” If you’re going to win something, let it be something like this. “Its not easy being a Prima Donna. God knows I've tried over the years. Although some would say I go overboard sometimes, I still haven't perfected the art of it completely. But with this award, you have given me a strength and a courage to continue on in my quest for prima Donnas all over the world. I thank you.” took a bow. All very tongue and cheek.

Stuck in a time warp. Somewhere between not quite being who I want to be completely, but not half as bad I used to be. When is day and when is night? Went from no caffeine for years to just dousing my body with it the last few months to keep up. Yesterday I had 11 espressos. When I sleep I still feel awake, as if I am watching myself sleep. My mind just racing. Its crazy.

Current Spin: linkin park reanimation remix album. really good.

Sexual Promiscuity, Good or Bad?

Today I am in the closet writing. Me and the laptop and the cat and too many cups of espresso. it is very comfortable. Hanging out with all of your clothes. Good smells and good memories. Seriously. Hanging out in your closet with all of your clothes for an hour or so is like getting to wear all of your outfits at the same time on the same day instead of having to choose just one.

O.k. I'm done studying porn now. Its been about six months. Really dug in and checked it out. A few days ago, I kind of got the ah hah. Here's the deal. At first it does seem gross and nasty and disgusting and distasteful and soul-less and all that. to some, I might add. Maybe not to everyone. I know some guys and girls who don't mind it all. think its great. And so that's why I decided to really dive in and research it myself. Because I didn't feel that way about it. so I wanted to discover why. the idea was to dive in and integrate it. you know, you can’t be grossed out by something but still be attracted to it in some way. That whole desire/resist paradigm is a sure sign that you have un-integrated beliefs surrounding something. which then takes up some of your attention, which then weakens your overall personal power. which in turn inhibits your ability to create.... by now we know the drill. Already wrote about the whole porn thing a lot; but I guess the conclusion is that sex is sex. Sex is different than love. And that yucky feeling that one can get from porn is from confusing the two. People think oh that's so gross. Those people don't even know each other. That is such soul-less, loveless sex.

But that's the point. Yes. That's exactly what it is. its sex. for the sake of sex. But what you have to get over is the idea or belief that that's bad in some way. I mean, granted, a lot of gross and bad things can come out of the whole sex porn scene, things like child porn, or abusive drug use, or sexually transmitted diseases and all that, but any industry can be that way. shopping at the Gap or buying Nike shoes supports children and women working in sweat shops for 30 cents an hour under horrible conditions at machine-gun point, seriously—so go figure. That doesn’t stop people from shopping there. But that doesn’t make sex for the sake of sex a bad thing. you know? that was the piece for me. realizing that its this natural thing. sex. its not love. Its not about couples or relationships. Its like anything else that we enjoy here on earth. Like food or shopping or chocolate or love. But its sex. and so porn is like the Starbucks for people who like sex. and maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing. or a good thing. it just is. you know, getting off does feel good. and I think, and this is where we really go deep in the trenches of the human psyche, I think that if it doesn’t feel good to people, I mean, I think if they do have hang ups about themselves getting off, or enjoying sex, or other people enjoying sex and being into it, without being married and all that more conservative religious stuff, then there are probably just some screwed up beliefs inside there that need to be cleared. Its not that you start getting all into it and lose sight of being married or being in a great relationship or being monogamous to your partner or anything like that. You don't lose that. you don't lose your desire for love and romance. its just maybe that you realize that sex is this normal thing that is a part of and yet can be totally separate from all of that other stuff.

[o.k. I thought more about it. I watched some of this German gang-bang porn---ten guys do another man’s wife on their wedding night---every man’s dream for his wedding night, right?... The Germans have the most wacky, most disturbing porns out there, lets just put it that way---this one is mild compared to what they put out... I won't go into the details. the Dutch are very loose and free as well, very matter of fact about it, in the Swedish porns the girls are always these blond little tarts laughing and giggling the whole time—like they're all at the beach. The French porns are so matter of fact that they don't even seem pornographic. The guy is like (in this thick French) yeah do me baby.... and its like you're watching a couple of people wash their car... but forget all that.

Remember Why You Make Music

Getting drunk is important. Like getting stoned or tripping. Its just something a person has to do. If someone says ‘I did not inhale,’ be afraid. Be very afraid. Went to Purdy lounge to see a few acts. Pepe le pieu sang. Some people call him Rene Alverez and I have no idea why. I have known pepe for maybe sixteen years. he is quite possibly the best singer in Miami. Always has been. One of the two or three best if you throw in Jim Camacho and Rhett in that mix. And the Toad of course. I'm talking guys here only. Plenty of great girl singers. But that's not the point. The point is that he is still a great singer. Singers give up after a while. Performers and artists give up after a while. I don't know why, but they do. they start focusing more on family and making a living, rather than their music, which often times is just no way to make a living. The point is that even though pepe le pieu hasn’t really been taking his music as seriously the last few years he played tonight and was just as good as he has always was. Just really solid. A true talent. From the heart. The music biz is a tough biz. I guess that in the long run, like in any of the arts, after a while you have to make a choice between your art and your living. I have had to make that choice many times in my life but I always choose my art instead of making a living. I hope I never have to choose making a living. I wouldn’t even if I had to.

[Chiara sang last night. I remember seeing her in 2000 a few times at various clubs performing. She was so young and sweet and pure. She always wore these little sun dresses and she just sang so wonderfully. She then moved to LA to ‘try to make it.’ last night when I saw her I didn't even recognize her until someone told me who she was. She was all dolled up. wearing a suit type of outfit. Smoking cigarettes. Lots of make up and acting very cynical. It wasn't like the show sucked. It just lacked that innocent charm she once had. later that night. I was very laid back on this couch because this guy who was sitting next to me had this water bong with the craziest tobacco in it. some kind of herbs. So we were all hitting this thing and feeling really groovy. Chiara came up to me and we talked for a while. I was so loose, I just started talking without holding back. just laying there on the couch. She asked me what I thought of the show. I told her that it was good. but that somewhere down the line it appeared as if she was losing a part of herself. ‘Chiara, remember when you used to be all sweet and joyful all the time? well that used to come through on stage. And it was part of your show. It was the “thing.” you know.“ “are you saying I don't have the “thing” anymore?” “No, no. no. you definitely have ‘it.’ o.k. what I'm saying is this. Just remember why you make music.” I smiled. “I know you're out in LA now. But you're not making music to get signed to a major record label. Or to be on MTV. Or to be famous.” “How do you know why I make music?” “O.k. fine, maybe you are that way but I doubt it. Just hear me out...” “fine. You weirdo.” “I'll take that as a compliment.” “You shouldn’t.” “I will anyway. Just listen. What I'm saying is that you aren't a singer because you want to be famous or because you want to make a lot of money or because you want to be a star and sell thigh masters in twenty years...right? You make music because its inside of you and it makes you feel good when you do it. You know? Some people are like that. And that's you. and if you're going to focus on that other stuff, which is important no doubt, because we need to make a living. Fucking Christ I know that more than anyone. But just don't forget who you are and why you're doing this. The joy is in your music. not the chase for the gold. You know? let that joy out and don't be afraid of it.” she started crying. We’re in this club and she starts crying. And I am baked on this strange herbal tobacco mixture and 2 white Russians. “I know what you mean. Why are you.... why are you.... so.... so...” she sobs a bit “so what?” I ask. “so .... like this? How do you know this? I don't even know you...” “We’ve met before.” I say. “Fine. We've met before.” she mocks me. “But Its not like we’re friends or anything. Why did you tell me this?” “Are you mad at me? I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk. I'm kind of just floating.... Going on instinct. Perhaps I should have just tried to have sex with you instead and not spoken from my heart. Would you have preferred that?” she just looked up at me between tears like don't be a jerk... “I smoked from this water pipe...i don't know who’s it is... here take a hit of this. its really nice...” I handed her the water pipe and she took a few hits. She stopped crying. “God.... I so know what you mean. Its so hard.... to remember.... was I that bad up there?” “No. not at all. You weren't bad at all. You were great. I would definitely do you. I'm just saying, don't let the chase drag you down. Remember the joy of the music in you.” “God fishy. Thank you. You are so sweet.” “Well you’re welcome.” “Everyone says you're so sweet, and its true, you really are.” “Everyone says I'm sweet? I thought everyone said I was an asshole.” “No I think that's just you who says that. In those insane diaries of yours. Why do you post all that anyway?” “I'm not sure. I think perhaps I'm insane as you say and none of us know it.” “No. I would disagree with you there. I think everyone definitely knows it. you are definitely insane.” she laughed. I laughed. We were laughing. And smoking. From some water pipe that belonged to someone we didn't even know; on a couch in the dark in some dingy club in the wee small hours of the morning.]

Rehearsed with cooper tonight for about five hours and all we did was learn new songs. Seriously thinking of starting to record a new new new album. crazy I know. sleep with you just came out in December and our new new album, nothing is cohesive, is being mixed now. but what the hell. Strike while the iron is hot as they say. I am on such a roll. Just writing non-stop everyday. New songs: we are columbine, last stand at the walls of Zion, messed it up again, turn a blind eye, something bigger, somebody save me, nobody’s listening to you. just constantly writing. I told cooper, ‘look man, I don't care if I have to sell my house and live on the street. The idea is just to keep getting the work done man. That's what its all about now for me. just getting it out there. I don't know how other bands do it, just putting out one album every year or two. I just couldn’t do that. we just have to keep recording and not stop. Because one day this is going to dry up. I know it. I have seen it in all the greats. They all dry up, but right now I am on this roll so we just have to keep recording. Major label to back us or not, just do whatever it takes to keep getting the music out. I am very lucky to be where I am today. very lucky to be in this zone where I can’t stop writing. it won't last forever.

Current Spin: tried to get through Nelly furtado’s new one. just could not get into it at all. so polished and glossy sounding. Not my thing. but I still believe in her.

-----Original Message-----
From: xxx@xxxx.edu [mailto:] 
Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 10:19 AM
To: Fishy
Subject: RE: dog, pooch, whatever

Fishy,
Good speaking with you and catching up.
Thanks for the advice. I need to do something.
What do you think is the best?

Later,
Slim


Slim,
O.k. listen dog. I thought more about it our talk yest.

Wayne Dyer is great stuff. Good to open up your eyes and stay on the path so to speak, like Ram Dass, brilliant, but not a lot of actual tools. Just great insightful messages and meditations from someone who really KNOWS.

Where as Tony's programs are actually filled with great tools. Exercises and worksheets and a lot of stuff that rally opens you up and can shift you.

[the best thing out there right now I think is Avatar as far as initiating real change in consciousness, and taking the load off. You have first hand experience with how I used to be in my late teens/early twenties, and compared to who I am now its just an astounding difference. As you know, I had pretty much tried/tasted everything I could to try to help myself figure out 'what is going on here???' all the drugs and therapy and doctors money could buy, and so much reading and studying and research etc... but just couldn’t get control of myself, or couldn’t get control of who I was being, rather than who I wanted to be. Taking the Avatar course did that for me. it is so powerful that you find yourself crying at some points from just pure gratitude that "oh my God, I'm back" you start finding yourself again. its just awesome. It depends on where you are in your life and what you're looking for. For me when I took it, it was 1995, I felt like really I had no choice, I just had to do something. life wasn't working for me in the way I knew in my heart that it could. You can check it out at www.avatarepc.com] 

But for something that you can just do at your house on your own time, I would say go for a Tony program. www.tonyrobbins.com Over the years I have recommended them to many people who always call me back later and say "DUDE I HAD NO IDEA HOW ROCKING THIS STUFF WAS! MAN I FEEL SO GOOD!" and now they're fans and have all of his stuff. so just go for it. cause the thing is that the position you are in is pretty normal. You know. we get there. but the thing is that a lot of people don't ever get to the point where you are. where they know they are there. they just keep plugging away. 'enduring life' rather than enjoying life. Whereas you are getting some insight into that things could be better and you want them to be better. So that's cool.

You're a great guy. And if I can help it would be an honor. You helped me a lot when we were younger men back in the college days.

Peace
F

I emailed the Wolf: ” I met Starhawk today. I am hanging out with her here in Miami this week. Tomorrow she teaches magic gardening. You should come down.”
Love, The lion

Today I ran G2 through some Avatar processing over the msn Instant messenger. Because his mom is sick. It is unbelievable, these tools, and you do not have to be in person. you can do it through the phone or IM or even email. how funny and wonderful.

Had a fun coffee date last night with Sasx. Hadn't seen each other in a long time. talked for hours about dating and many things. so much fun. And hilarious.

Penn State launches Napster music service
01/13/04 09:41 AM, EST
The launch of Napster's online music service for Penn State students generated about 100,000 downloads or streaming-audio requests Monday, three days after its debut, school officials said.


Very cool! I actually think we are going to get through this ‘people stealing other people’s music’ thing. I don't think we’re going to stop it completely. But I do think it is going to decrease a lot; enough to where we don't have to be afraid of losing our way of making a living. 

Restructuring

I allow myself the freedom to be the artist I have always known I could be. I want to open up more. Expand more. and allow more.

Restructuring:
I am processing now everyday in the early morning in the bathtub. It becomes a sanctuary. I focus on a primary and then I allow any and all secondaries to come up and then I discreate them. I have been doing it for about a month now. it has been amazing. it feels like restructuring. Wayne dyer calls it shifting paradigms. Yes. exactly. It is restructuring. I have realized that it is almost impossible to create a reality if there are numerous beliefs that oppose that reality. So the key is in the discreate. The key is not in trying to resist those beliefs or hide them or ignore them or avoid them or try to work around them or trying to use your will to create over them, etc.... all of that can work, and sometimes does. But what I've noticed is that you can get to this amazing state of clarity where beliefs that we do not prefer to have—realities that are being created automatically based on the beliefs that are creating them underneath---can be completely let go of, can just totally disappear, and you end up feeling so clean and clear and happy and light. It is truly unbelievable.

Maddie and Mohdie had their baby today. she had to have a c section, due to slight complications in labor. She labored for 48 hours or something crazy like that. I just talked to her. She promised to share the drugs she is on with me. She told me that there is nothing to compare the pain to. it was excruciating she says. Maybe only a really bad toothache in intensity, she says.

All of my ex-girlfriends are having babies. I want to have babies. Why? Why do we want to have children?

This is Maddie with her new baby. She is my best friend. When I look at her it as if I am looking at myself. Like she is my twin or something...

Many beautiful pix of Mohdie with the baby too, but if I post a pic of him he will kill me. he loves Tool. So he is scary...

Just read the most disturbing article about the holocaust in Waco, TX. Fucking crazy. How did something like that happen and we did nothing about it? Are we helpless now here? are we prisoners in our own country and perhaps just do not know it? am I insane for dreaming of true freedom. A freedom where an atrocity such as this could and would never happen to anyone?

Spent the entire day working on the diaries and writing songs. Then rehearsed with cooper. He’s getting better. He quit smoking pot for the New Year. So his true emotions are coming out now. just coming out all over the place. like a blossoming flower, a neurotic one. It is amazing to watch people quit drinking or doing a drug they are used to. Because once they stop suppressing their feelings then all of a sudden a whole new person comes out; their heart’s true feelings and their mind’s true thoughts and fears and desires and tons of stuff. they become much bigger and brighter people.

Tonight went to see the new world symphony perform two symphonies. One by Hayden. And the last one by Shostakovich. Went with the girl from Venezuela. The Hayden was fine. Nice. but as soon as the first movement started from Shostakovich’s 8th symphony I felt like I was catapulted into some kind of a .... I don't know how to put it in words. this was by far the greatest musical experience I have ever had so far. the only other concert or performance that I can remember that even came close to approximating the emotional effect was the U2 elevation tour and a few Dead shows in the late eighties and early nineties. This piece of music---his eighth symphony—is maybe the best piece of music I have ever heard. It was so dramatic and emotional and powerful---I mean like forty fucking minutes straight of this surge of passion---that it rendered everything else in my life inconsequential during the entire performance. It was just unfuckingbeleivable. I never knew he was so good. so brilliant. My body and my heart were on edge the whole time. My mouth hanging open. I just kept saying to myself, ‘oh my God.’

When I am alone I take incessant notes no matter where I am, especially at concerts. But I couldn’t even take notes I was so moved. I just sat there immobilized in a way. didn't want to miss a second. But I perfected this method where every time I would think of something I need to take a note on I count it on one of my fingers. And then I remember how many fingers I have made a note on. Hard to explain. So my thumb would be one idea and I look at my thumb and recite the idea out loud to myself and then I get another idea and assign it to my forefinger and then look at both fingers and then recite both ideas and on and on and so when I left he concert I could look at my fingers and remember that I had made five notes in my mind, one for each finger and then I could quickly recall all five ideas without actually having to take out a pad and write throughout the whole performance. Just a note. Something to remember. You can at least capture ten different ideas on both hands without having to write anything down. Good way of remembering things when you can’t take notes.

Several things real quick...

Towards the end of holiday at moms I discovered that you can actually make meat in the oven and then not only eat this freshly made meat a few hours later, but that you can then use it for sandwiches for days and days afterwards. It was like a revelation. Single guys can cook meat at their house? no way. so off rushed to the grocery store to buy some meat. Buying meat is another story. There is a lot of meat out there. and with the whole mad cow disease thing happening now here in the states, it’s a little intimidating. If one is to die from eating a piece of meat, then it better be the right meat. I mean, it better be a damn good piece of meat. But what is a good piece of meat. I had the Little Tree on the phone. “I'm in the meat department. What do I buy???” “well what do you want?” “how the hell do I know? I've never made meat before.” “well what do you eat at home then?” she asks. “I haven't eaten at home in years. I don't eat anything at home. sometimes popcorn. Cereal and milk. Brie and crackers. Fruit. Pasta. Soup. and that's on the rare occasion.” “So what kind of meat do you like?” “Well what is a pot roast like? Could we make roast beef out of that?” “Yes you can.” “you mean I can just buy a pot roast and then cook it in the oven and pretty soon we could have slices of roast beef in the house?” “Yes you can.” “o.k. so that's what I will buy. A pot roast. And we’ll cook it ourselves.”

So later on I called Bellsouth about the phone bill. “Mam I think there is a problem on our phone.” “what is it?” “well doesn’t it seem a bit high?” “well isn't this what you always pay?” she asks. “to be honest, I have no idea.” I say. “I haven’t paid bills in years. And now I am just starting to take a look at them and it appears that we’re paying like over a hundred dollars just for local phone service and we don't even use that phone. In fact I don't even know where the house phone is. I mean we have cell phones and all...” I had her on the portable phone. And I was walking around the house talking to her. She was trying to talk me into keeping all these extra things that we had which makes sense, I mean that's their job, and I was trying to get it lower. “Honestly mam, I haven't even seen our house phone in years. I don't think we should really be paying so much. Lets just have the basic phone thing in the house just in case we ever find it and need it, O.K?.... 

by the way, I'm trying to cook a roast in the oven... do you know anything about making a roast???” “Excuse me sir?” “Well you know, we’re a couple of single guys and we've decided to make meat in our own oven here at our house. and I'm not sure how to do it. Have you ever made meat at your house before?” I think she went into shock at first. But then she started breaking everything down for me and asking me all these questions. “Do you have a meat thermometer there sir?” “Uh I wouldn’t know. where do I look for a meat thermometer. Does it come with the meat?” “O.k. forget about that. do you have a bag of potatoes there?” “Oh no, but that would be great wouldn’t it?” “Well of course. Then you could use the juices of the meat to marinate the potatoes.” “Wow this is really exciting isn't it?” I say to the very friendly customer service rep from the phone company.

You ever notice that the diaries are all backwards? Man that's weird. They are in a sort of chronological order but they go backwards instead of forwards. G2 probably came up with that crazy idea and I prob just went with it not thinking about it. now its two years later and I'm realizing that when you read these things they're all going the wrong way. instead of the lead character getting smarter and wiser he gets dumber and dumber. I have spent the last two weeks trying to finish editing them in order to get them back up, and by the time you reach the end of them, which is actually the beginning of them, the guy is just a rambling idiot. not that he's much different now. Perhaps if anything, now, he may just be a bit more concise about it.

[Spitting up a lot of blood tonight for some reason. Shouldn’t have started smoking again. its either that or I might have broken a rib snowboarding, and not just cracked it. Still hurts like crazy to inhale. Taking a lot of pain pills for the pain. its probably no more than 40 degrees out here right now.]

My last night here at moms. Everyone has flown home already except for me. I leave in the morning. Can’t wait to get home and jam with the band. But every year it gets harder to leave home after the holidays I notice.

I am longing to make big bank now and be able to support everyone so they can stop working. It is all I think about. All I meditate on. All I pray for. All day and night long. To be able to afford to give mom tons of money so she can do whatever she wants, and Beav and his family. And Laura and the three nieces. Not big things, but just enough so no one has to work anymore or worry about money. I made my list of goals and outcomes for 2004 a few nights ago. 17 of them this year. some big. Some small. But number one on the list is this one. There is nothing I want more now than to accomplish this. I can’t really think of anything else that would be more cool and rewarding than that. after that then maybe we can work on other things, but for now that seems like just about the most important thing I could do.

Last screening: little women. The newest one. [o.k. so add winona Ryder to the list. Along with Penelope Cruz, and Julia Roberts. They're all taken now of course, so my superhero girl will have to be a perfect little healthy mix of all three of them. and you know what? Not a bone in me doubts she will be anything but.] His girl Friday, with Cary grant. Watched a few old movies with mom tonight till she feel asleep. Now I'm out here in the freezing cold writing just so I can have a last cigar or two and a glass of brandy before the holiday is over and the year begins anew. 

Note: two days ago there was this huge family blow up between t and mom. The whole house was in an uproar. Except for me of course. Who just sort of minded my own business. Everyone was upset, taking sides, and having their own little temper tantrum. Soon everyone was saying they were leaving. I mean everyone, and taking the five nieces with them. But I would have none of it. I just
kept walking around the house talking to everyone attempting to patch things up between everyone.

When lollie and the three went to the front door to leave I just started moving their luggage and belongings back into the house and said no I'm sorry we have all traveled very far to come out here and be together and we must stay together. Families have problems and we are a family so lets just deal with it. and then I would run upstairs and talk five minutes to someone else. as everyone started to confront one another I just kept everything really light in the air and didn't take sides with anyone. I kept sticking up for everyone instead. I took all the girls out side and taught them all how to sword fight with each other like Beaver and I used to do so the adults could be inside screaming at one another and letting their shit out. then they would wander outside and start arguing. So I would just up the lightness in the air. Someone would come outside and start crying so I would just yell louder at the kids having the sword fight “cut her leg off Jackie! Go for her arm Jordan!” so they wouldn’t pay attention to their mom or aunt or grandma crying. I guess the point is that one, families have disagreements, and two, that's alright, three, that doesn’t mean that they have to leave and run away from it, and four, if you’re caught in the middle of it keep the situation light as all hell so people have the opportunity to hash it out so it doesn’t have a chance to come back next year. let everyone know its o.k. that they feel that way and its alright to express it, that in families that's o.k. things ended up getting patched up that day and no one left mom’s house. mission accomplished. It was very cool.

Current read: the history and tradition of Judaism by Ariel Scholar. A good overview. The last few years started to realize that the majority of the world’s problems have been due to humanity’s various major religions. If its not the Catholics running around killing everyone, then it’s the Christians or the Moslems. And then somewhere in between all of this there are the Jews, who have probably contributed more to the evolution and advancement of mankind than any single race/religion/people—what do you call them??? The current essay I am reading offers no solution and agrees that they are not a race, nor a nationality, nor strictly a religion so the point is mute to try to label what exactly a Jew is except one who is descended from Abraham, or more aptly Judah—all very confusing. and somehow they are always kind of tapped in the middle of a lot of this craziness. But the point is that over the last five thousand years its just been total chaos between all these religions. Perhaps it isn't the religions themselves but the people who use the religions as their excuse for misbehaving. Being vehemently not-religious forever, I have been intensely studying the major religions of the world for the last fifteen years or so just to have that foundation. To try to understand what the fuck is going on. Finally feel that now I am able to have a basic understanding of each one. its like the only sane and rational people on the planet today are the non-religious. The only ones who are willing to throw their hands up in the air and be o.k. with the fact that we really don't know what the fuck is up with our origin or where we’re all going after we die. So the non-religious minority have had to sit and watch for thousands of years while the religious among us have wreaked all kinds of havoc on the earth and killed millions of people in the name of their respective Gods. If you're even remotely spiritual and non-religious it’s a pretty frightening world to live in. For the last two weeks I have been studying all the various religions, reading lots of different essays and books and looking at lots of pictures of gods and messiahs and prophets and holy lands. the irony of course is that the most holy and intelligent and most seemingly God-like of Man’s major religions are Taoism and Buddhism, neither of which have a God in them as much as just a real reverence for life and a respect for the mystery of the universe we live in and the invisible force which seems to operate around us.

you don't read about many Taoists or Buddhists running around the world killing people in the name of anything; that's always a nice bonus when you’re religion shopping... Their underlying philosophy seems to be more ‘do what thou will and harm none.’ Whereas the other religions of the world seems to be more of ‘do what thou will and I'll fucking kill you. if we have the manpower. If not then we’ll just curse you behind your backs. And teach our kids that you're all going to hell unless you join up with us...’ Its no wonder the Chinese, one of the last great communist/non-religious empires on the earth are so fucking scared of religion and are trying so hard to keep their people away from the rest of the religions. [one can imagine the various scenarios recounted by history over the last few thousand years where the Catholics or the Christians or the Moslems have conquered all these different countries around them and all these millions of peoples like the Aztecs, or the Incas, or the Native Americans, where on the one hand they are preaching the ‘word of God’ to them or the ‘good news’ and at the same time they are trying to steal all their gold and land from them and slowly killing them all. you can see these meeker more peaceful peoples saying ‘hey thanks for coming to tell us about your God. We really appreciate it. and we’re really happy for you. it sounds like you have a really groovy thing going there with your God and all. but can you leave us alone and go back to your own country and perhaps we could talk about this through letters or email or something....]

I am in the cigar store in phoenix. [I know. I quit about nine months ago, but I just love smoking during the cold holidays. The section of the Diaries that I am trying to edit by Jan 5th is about 575 pages and smoking is about the only thing that keeps my attention focused for long enough periods to sit and edit for hours at a time like that. or else I would just space it and never get it done. The diaries are terribly monotonous and now I am thoroughly convinced, not just secretly suspicious, that I am entirely insane without prejudice. Rambling on and on about the same thing months at a time.] The tinder box in the awatuke foothills is one of the coolest cigar stores in America. so laid back and cool. Its like the TV show Cheers. A bunch of guys always sitting around on chairs and talking and smoking. I come in here sometimes to smoke and write when I'm out this way.

Found some notes in my pocket for the diaries from a few days ago. a few months ago I had made this pact with myself to do at least one good deed a day. or more. right? I've written about it before I think. its one of those things that you forget about until you are hanging out with someone who notices and makes a comment about it. the artisan commented on it a lot. I think it’s the most fun thing you can do. just go around doing good stuff for people all the time. I noticed a few things about it this year. one thing is this: sometimes people are cynical about doing good deeds all the time. They have this voice in their head that tells them that if they are doing nice things all the time for people that they are selfish like they are doing it for themselves in order to get something back or whatever. I used to feel this way, so I just wouldn’t bother doing good deeds, cause I wanted to be doing it for the right reason. I think a lot people feel this way. Then once I started doing it, just totally coming from my heart and giving and helping in any way I could, I realized that it really does make you feel great, and that's o.k. I mean the other person feels great too. so what's wrong with you feeling good from it as well? absolutely nothing. Its just an awesome feeling. I noticed that the more you start to contribute to the good of other people the better you feel all the time. lets say it is totally selfish. Who cares? I noticed that that you can get totally addicted to helping others and how it makes you feel. It just rocks.

Last night I saw a little bit of Groundhog Day. I used to love that movie. And that was kind of the moral of the story. And it really cemented for me. like a message was being delivered. And then today in the cigar store, the Oprah show was on. And she was giving this lady this Princess of the day prize and gave her a car and more. it was awesome. Oprah is my hero. I would love to do that with my life. at the level that she is at now, with access to those kind of resources. it really resonated with me that you have to follow your heart and go with things that deeply resonate within yourself. And for me that does it. when it comes down to it, in the end of it all, that's what its all about. how happy we can be and how much ability we have to help others be happy. I hope that my wife is as awesome as Oprah is. I hope that she is a super hero and that together we can really do some amazing things in our life together.

Thinking more about friends. It does get to a point sometimes where you cannot keep track of all the friends you have. I guess you sort of have to pick and choose in each moment depending on where you are. Because you just don't have enough time in your life to stay close to all of them. Especially if you travel a lot and are making lots of new friends all the time. the key is to try to stay as close and connected to as many of them as possible so that they all can feel your love and connection. Even though you may not be able to talk or hang out all the time. On a very mundane note, Microsoft outlook really helps with that.

I wonder if sometimes I sacrifice really close communication and connection with a few in order to maintain casual contact with many? I think sometimes that my close friends fault me for this. for being a bit too distant and aloof to everyone. I always vehemently denied this when someone would accuse me of it. but the last two days I have been thinking about it and perhaps there is some truth to it. am I not connecting enough? Am I not sharing myself enough with the people that I love?

Be yourself more. Let go and be yourself more. Tao Te ching says, stop comparing, stop competing. Do the work and stand back.

How can I become more real? More honest? More me? everyday is a struggle for it. to remain in the flow of me and not surrender to the world.