You know, maybe we can and do spend our entire lives rallying against God and all that, primarily I believe for two reasons, one because he's never showed him/herself and only been an idea in human consciousness, as opposed to a “something real” that could be construed as undeniable – I mean put your hand on a red hot stove and that's going to be pretty fucking undeniable; or run out into the middle of Lexington avenue in front of my apartment at rush hour and that's going to be an undeniable experience to be sure, but God just hasn’t pulled that off yet. perhaps he's too busy. Perhaps he's moved onto to other worlds, his only mission here on our small planet was creation itself and then from there we’re all on our own. Of course our idea of God has always persevered; our desire for what God is and should be and what he/she could be has become almost undeniable to many and most; at least in the mind of many who call themselves religious. All that's in place already. ask a Christian or a Muslim – they're probably the most devout of the old-worlds left on the planet at this point (at least of the majors – from what I hear the Jane’s watch every step they take because they think it is a sin to kill anything, even insects.) --- and they're going to give you that confident “no I have no idea I'm in a cult but everything is just fine, really it is” smile and give you all sorts of reasons and evidence that God is undeniable. U dig deep enough and you're going to discover that for them its all going to come down to what is written in their respective holy books. Yep, I'm not making it up. most people get to a point in life where the hand on the burning hot stove is going to be more undeniable than say what you may or may not read in one or two books. But not all people. some of these people will look you right in the eye and tell you that their certainty of what's in that book is stronger than their certainty of their hand on the hot stove or any scientific proof you can prove or unprove in the known universe. And for them we leave a little bit of envy in our hearts, because that's a faith that is hard to muster up in most of us. they’re crazy, granted, I mean, in a court of law they would be deemed insane, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot envy them.

But for the rest of us well we have to dig deep to find that kind of faith. because its not easy in the face of the nothingness that surrounds us. so we rally against and bitch and moan about the God concept because lets face it, God doesn’t seem to mind. If he/she/it exists at all, he/she/it understands I'm sure. So far God doesn’t appear in the form of an undeniable hot stove that you can’t place your hand on. More like a damn good idea that just hasn’t fully materialized yet.

The problem of course with being intellectual is that it’s an utter waste of time. we may find it mildly exciting at some stage. But you just reach a point where philosophizing over matters intellectual feels such a waste of precious time and effort. Reading and thinking and talking about it all. I mean, life hasn’t changed that much since we got here. and I don't see it changing that much by the time we leave. Sure technology has shifted and evolved a lot, but in thirty-thousand years of recorded human history we are still right where we were thirty thousand years ago; no closer to knowing who we are or why we are or how we got here. I don't think any debate we’re going to have over dinner or drinks tonight or at the university or in court tomorrow is going to make a difference. If God had any heart at all he’d throw us a bone, clue us in even a tad. But God the eternal joker –where do you think they got the idea for that character in the first place – is too busy with his own Thai massage at this time; hell, he's probably got three hot Orientals at once as I'm typing this and he considers himself just too damn busy to give us even the foggiest notion of what's really going on.

Synchronicity and recent coincidences:

Bought a few cigars the other day just to try, ones that I had never smoked before. last night in the Steve Zisou documentary the actor Cassale goes into a store in Italy and buys a box of sancho panza and says they are good old smokes. I commented that I had never heard of them. maybe they're just sold in Italy. Tonight I lit one of those new ones I had bought and looked at the label and sure enough it was a sancho panza...

Last night as I was lying awake I thought of this guy Chris from French class who I haven't seen in a few weeks since I am not registered this semester. Wondered if he and I will ever stay in contact and hang as we said we would. Today I bump into him literally on the subway. Crazy.

Watching the Steve Zisou documentary and there is an interview with mark mothersbaugh from devo because he does all the music for Wes Anderson movies and I am reminded that my first girlfriend in high school Vicki (you may know her from the song ‘girls’ from the sleep with you album – it is true that she did give me my first hicky... I hate to admit it but that song is a true story as depraved as that may seem.) her mom dated mark back when they were in high school in Ohio so that's why I thought of her. Well you guessed it, yesterday I receive an email from none other than the famous Vicki. Tomorrow we will speak for the first time since high school.

Got the idea for a character called ‘fact checker girl’ for the TV show. A girl who is hot and sexy in a school teacher kind of way and really smart who can play my counterpart. Someone who knows all the facts and can fill me in. I emailed this girl I know, Beka, from the activist scene. She calls me the next day and says that at exactly the same time she got my email she was explaining to her boyfriend that she is tired of traditional activism and would like to be an actress and try to reach people that way. that she almost dropped off her chair when she received it out of the blue like that.

Great stuff. this is the universe laughing at us, or with us.

Last screening: Dr. Strangelove. Couldn’t get my mind around this one the first time. I think you may have just to take it as it is. see it a few times and dig it for what it was back then...

Now throwing myself heavily back into the making of the pilot/trailer of the TV show. Having come to terms with the grisly truth that there are only so many years that I can utter the words ‘I only need another fifty thousand or so, just until one of my albums sells a million. Then I can pay you back’ to every person I've ever met in my life. if I had a nickel for every time I've uttered those words I'd be a millionaire ten times over already.

Funny, but to be fair I've made my share of the big bank aplenty; I just spend it faster than I make it. The artist’s eyes it would seem always bigger than his stomach.

Last screening: the new criterion collection double DVD of the life aquatic of Steve Zisou finally hit. I had it on pre-order. Not sure why I vibed with the movie so much, only that I absolutely love what they made. it is effing surreal. Its almost as if a bunch of high schoolers made it. which is maybe why I like it so much and so many other people do not. big Hollywood it isn't.

Fucking a. already June fucking first.

No wonder I say I'm not moving to California.... “look honey the house and everything we own and love just slid off a mountain and is destroyed...” an people who live in California will always tell you ‘don't worry about it. it’ll never happen. and yet every year we hear about it happening... humans in general are pretty whacked.
(But lets be fair, live in New York and take the risk of being blown up by terrorists. Live in the Midwest and get blown away by tornados. Live in the South or the east coast and get blow away by hurricanes. West coast and you're sucked up by earthquakes. We’re fucking doomed no matter where we live.)

California landslide sends homes crashing

Damaged homes sit on a collapsing hill
A landslide sent at least five expensive homes crashing down a hill in Laguna Beach, California, today and may have damaged many others. The earth was still moving beneath the homes. Some fell nearly intact, while others were ripped apart and left trails of debris. There was no immediate word on whether there were any injuries.

Current read:
O.k. so where are we? Well as fate would have it, as if fate has anything, I had just recently purchased and stated to watch a DVD series of Abraham-hicks material. Good stuff. highly recommended. As I said already. The general idea espoused in the message is that life is all about joy and freedom. Our lives. And that's a great message. That everything is alright. And that it is through our desires that we control our destiny and that life flowing through us through our desires is that purpose of life. good enough. I love it.

Now I also started at the same time reading a book called ‘becoming like God: our ultimate destiny through the kabalah.’ Now his whole premise is that we are like God and that the way to become more like God is through letting go of the egos ‘desire for personal gain.’ Wouldn’t you know that I am absorbing both ideas at the exact same time. during the day I am reading this guy teach how you have to let go of the egos desire for personal gain and just focus on sharing everything with everyone... which is very similar to Avatar actually. And yet the abe-hicks material teaches the exact opposite: that life is all about our own personal desires flowing through us and this is how we achieve ultimate happiness.

Well its effing July already isn't it. that means the second half of the year has already kicked in. unbelievable.

How much have we accomplished? Remember all those new years resolutions? Man, have we done anything at all? time to kick it into overdrive.

Realization today about how much time is spent thinking about doing things but not doing them. how much time is spent planning things and wondering how to accomplish things rather than just sitting down to do them. I understand that as an artist, or better put, as someone with a more artistic manner and way of thinking and doing, that it is reasonably understandable that I would spend more time than the average person contemplating and pondering rather than just doing. it's to be expected. But sometimes it bothers me. there are some people who just do do do like machines and get so much done. Friends of mine have that view of me ironically. but I believe that i spend a little too much time in contemplation...

mostly I was thinking about those two screenplays I have been trying to finish that are on my new years resolution list. I hate fucking writing. just sitting here writing like that. a truly painful process. The TV show I feel like we are making good progress. The new album we are slowly making progress and The new album NOTHING IS COHESIVE is chugging along, slowly picking up more and more fans and sales. We haven't toured yet this year and still don't have a new agent though, so that sucks. I got through three semesters of French now and have a basic understanding of it. that's good. Still not sure when I will take the trip to live in France for a few months of immersion. Schedule is tight.


More time needs to be spent getting more done. Less social and more doing of things. two biggest current setbacks I have noticed: one, my ADD, hard for me to focus on one thing unless I take a sedative of some kind. fucked up but true. my mind is like a rat in a small cage, always going in a million miles an hour. half a Valium or something similar, and I'm smooth sailing. Two, other people are slow as shit and my work that they are doing is piling up so fast that they can never keep up with me and the tasks I assign. That sucks. Option is to hire more and more people but then you get into that situation where you are going broke paying such a large staff.

Have to find a way to curb these setbacks. God grant me the answers. Help me to achieve it all and more. I am fully aware of my position in life, how blessed I am, how lacking in real challenges. And I am as always grateful for it. Just saying. It would be nice if I woke up one day and didn't have these small but frustrating challenges.

Current spin: Shusha, Persian love songs and mystic chants. This is a very hard CD to come by. These songs are very old traditional songs from Iran. Beyond classics, beyond standards; more like traditional folkloric songs. It is more than interesting to listen to what other countries and peoples around the world consider classic or traditional...

Reading is nothing but a barely worthy past time if we don't make use of what we are reading. The ‘read and forget about it’ practice is not any better than people who sit in front of the TV for hours. When people tell you they are smart because they read a lot rather than watch TV, it means nothing unless you know what they are actually reading. Plenty of people spend countless worthless hours reading westerns sci-fi romance novels celebrity bios detective stories and the like. And what's worse is that even when we are reading something worthy it doesn’t help much if all we do is read it and then shelve it. I am finding that the worth of reading, as in any media consumption, is what we actually do with the new data that we collect. New data has a very short shelf life in the old noggin. If we don't make use of it from the outset, its gone for good and becomes just another memory. Oh yeah, I think I read that book. Yeah, that was a good one from what I can remember... So the real benefit is in reading a bit, practicing it a bit, then reading a bit more, practicing a bit more... making use of what we are gathering along the way each and every day.

In other news, my depression, see how I named it mine already? how quick we are to take on any old thing that happens to rear its ugly head in our universe, my depression knows no end it seems. Knows absolutely no end. if I were not such a glutton for these types of things I would be worried. But the truth is that I have never known life without a slight depression, basked in it as an artist feeling that at worst it makes life miserable, at best it sparks the creative juices, and somewhere in between it makes life all the more interesting; perhaps maybe even a desperation this is. Even when I'm ecstatic, I still have that tugging and nagging sense of depression underneath it all. just sometimes I am not aware of it. for years I wasn't aware of it. now I am suddenly. what I like about it though is that it helps me relate better to people. I like that. the tree, Queenie, Francis, half the people I know are depressed in general and on some medication for either being too up or too down. Ferret could make a living at one liners about how miserable he is. Bas is generally moody as a dog about to be put out of its misery and plenty of other comrades claim a general dissatisfaction about life in the universe that if I dance in singing and praising the joy of ‘all that is’ they will look at me with a disaffected grimace as if to say ‘what are you so happy about?’ so I like this state only in as much as it reminds me that we can all get down now and then. even me. like down without being able to get up kind of a down. And I think it’s important to remember that. that's possible. Then again, I'm more than ready to be done with the images of shooting myself in the head or jumping off of tall buildings that pop up in my mind every few minutes. What is that?

This is interesting. Chart showing the death tolls of all US wars:

Just look it. In all of its shining gore-lory. This is one of the biggest farces the world has seen in decades, this charade they call operation Iraqi freedom. Right up there with Vietnam, Chavez and the Venezuela crisis, Castro’s Cuba, Rwanda, china in general, north Korea, you name it. “A new government” is what they call what in college we learned was known as a “puppet regime.” Under “Iraq’s population,” CNN says that the majority of the “insurgents” fighting “the Iraqi government” are Sunni Muslims, with a minority being Shiite Muslims. No, I'm serious, they really say this. In the same sentence they use the words “Sunni Muslims” and “insurgents.”

Recently I had a dream where I was at a press conference and I asked GW, who was looking mighty dapper as always I might add, a simple question... “Mr. President. If china came over here to America and invaded us and you and I had to battle it out along with thousands of other men to defend ourselves and our families against these Chinese invaders, who would be the insurgents?” “Uuuhhh... they would be?” he stammers... “Yes that's right sir. the Chinese invaders would be the insurgents because that's what the word means. Thank you Mr. president.”

So lets get this straight; just for clarification and a good laugh before bed. The majority of the “insurgents” battling the United States armed forces in Iraq are Iraqis of the Sunni Muslim religion and a minority of them are Iraqis of the Shiite Muslim religion and yet THEY are the insurgents? But they live there? o.k. that's a good one. that's right up there with Michael Jackson never had plastic surgery, milk it does a body good, all is well with health insurance for Americans, our jobs going overseas is not a bad thing, homosexuality is somehow wrong, drilling for oil in the Alaskan wild is not so bad, selling our national forests to Asia by the tens of thousands of acres per day is o.k. and nothing to worry about, and Britney and Paris deserve all the press they get. good stuff. there has never been a time to be more proud...

And of course there’s a “coalition casualties” chart as you’ll notice, which isn't a bad thing, since our government tries desperately to shield these casualties from us, but nothing absolutely nothing about the Iraqi casualties – military nor civilians (currently estimated at 120,000). HOW is this even the least bit fair or balanced news reporting? Fucking unbelievable. We have been kidnapped by robbers murderers and thieves and are locked up on a ship of fools sailing for Alice’s Wonderland and we don't even know it. 

I go out to lunch with JerseyGirl today. we have known each for over ten years now, having met at our first Avatar masters course back then and continue to see each other at courses and various social events. She lives close by so we hang now and then. I tell her how we filmed all day on Saturday and we viewed the footage on Sunday and the audio was all effed up so now we have to re-film on Tuesday. How my show-finale speech was all about how we, the people, are losing the good fight and how the giant corporations that rule the earth are winning, how they have always won, how they will always win, and hey at least we have good music and film, and that's all about all we have. the best that we can hope for is that it doesn’t get any worse, but even that seems like a pipe dream. The people with money, and I mean BIG money, are going to continue to sell out the rest of the people regardless of what that means in the long haul. I mean, after all, George bush and his big goal now of reforming social security, does that have anything to do with doing something right for the people? for his neighbors? I mean why is he so adamant about this? why isn't he tackling more important issues like health care or the environment or credit card or banking reformation to really help the American people? instead he is spending much of his time now trying to convince the public that the government should overhaul social security to the tune of billions of dollars.. and who is going to get these billions of dollars? You guessed it, large corporations. The same corporations that put him in the seat of president. So now that he is president he needs to give them this on a silver platter, just as he gave them the country of Iraq. This has nothing to do with helping the American people, and most people know it, the media knows it, congress knows it, everyone knows it, but we pretend that we don't because that's the way it works. the emperor has no clothes and everyone acts like they don't notice because that is way it has always worked. That's our job as a people. So no, chances are we will not see reform of political campaign financing, or health care, or banking or unemployment fixes, or education, or protection of the environment, because even though that's what we need as a people, there is no money in that for the big powers that be that run the world and got him into power. that's just the way it is for America now.

On the subject of the environment. Well it looks like we lost that fight and we will contnue to lose that fight. the environment is a lost cause as long as gw sits in power. no matter how many people try to change it. we can raise ten billion dollars to save the environment and with one phone call to or from one president of one company to the president of the United States, all of that can be reversed and destroyed in an hour. that's life.

Maybe there's hope, who knows. but for now, at this point, after six months of interviews and really studying, this is where I'm at with it. it appears to me that we are losing, that the people of the world are losing, and that there's nothing we can really do about it.

So I share this with JerseyGirl over lunch and tell her that this is the conclusion that I share with people in the TV show that I have been filming. and she is aghast. She is horrified. ‘but you are an Avatar. How could you do this? how could you even think these thoughts? You know that whatever you put your attention on you help manifest... you know this. I am shocked Fishy.’ ‘I know JerseyGirl. I knew you would feel like this. But I'm afraid this is really how I feel right now. this is how I see it. the whole idea of this show is for me to be honest with what I'm feeling. The truth is that the poor and middle classes and even the moderately rich will always lose, and the super rich will always rule, even when they think they are winning and really losing, they will still get their way because that's just the way the world works. the only way change is created is by violent acts of revolution.’ ‘Fishy you do not mean this. tell me you are kidding right now. this is ridiculous.’ ‘I know how you feel. I'm with you Jers, I'm with you, you know my heart, we became masters together, so you know that I'm a lover not a fighter, but I gotta tell you, I have to call as I see it, and this is what I'm seeing.’ ‘well don't you see that the audio being messed up and now you guys having to re-shoot is a sign from the universe that you need to change your conclusion a little... do you see that?’ she smiles at me this really big joyful appreciative smile that she is famous for.’ ‘yeah I see that. I will change it a bit. I am going to try to find a way to make it a little more positive... but I'll tell you, I'm not even giving you the whole picture. I've been studying this stuff a lot and I'm really starting to believe that the only way we’re ever going to change things for the better for us is through violent acts of rebellion and revolution. I didn't say that on tape but that's what I'm feeling now.’ ‘Fishy I can’t even believe you are saying this. don't you dare. As an Avatar, don't you dare. Do you believe that we are creating an EPC? An enlightened planetary civilization?’ ‘I believe that we are trying. But I don't think we are getting anywhere.’

We finish lunch and as we walk to the car we pass by this store called love saves the day. she forces me to go in and tells me that this is a sign from the universe. She buys me a little beanie baby angel teddy bear and I buy her a little love teddy bear. I tell her I will use the tools to discreate these ideas that I have. that I will begin to work on this to stop thinking this way. so I'm writing about it. trying to sort it out. how I got to this place, I don't know. its not like me. but I am tired of being a blind idealist with no sense of what's really going on. I am tired of watching all of my environmental and social and political activist friends work so hard and get no where. The truth is we all marched in protest against this war in Iraq all over the world and we got nowhere. That's the truth. over a hundred thousand Iraqis murdered and we fought the good fight but the giant corporations of the world won. The Iraqis are dead and that's that. how idealistic can you be after witnessing that?

Current spin: Moby, his new one, Hotel. I love Moby. How can you not.

Went to church today. stayed up all night writing and watching this Mr. smith goes to Washington movie. What a great story. When I finally woke up it was 10:51. church starts at 11am. Oh shit. run forest run! I had 9 minutes to get there, let alone get up, have coffee, shower, shave, get dressed and make a mad dash to the church. Wasn't going to happen obviously. I was planning on attending this church on park Ave. that I had gone into a few weeks before, the one where I had that glorious spiritual experience just wandering in and sitting down. But there was no way I was going to make it. So I jumped up, splashed my face, threw some clothes on, and ran down the street to the closest church I knew of, this Baptist church on 61st and 2nd Ave.

I was hoping for something. at this point I am resigned to the contradictory nature of who I am and how I feel in relation to God and religion and churches. I know it makes no sense. The poet asks me on the phone, ‘you went to church? If your family in town or something? or you just went on your own? why do you spend so much of your time rallying against religion in your diaries then?’ I tell him ‘well, throughout history there hasn’t been anything more harmful or hurtful or destructive than religion bro.’ ‘well I know that. so why do you go to church then?’ ‘I guess its because I still have this longing for community of the spirit. I just can’t shake it. you know, the heart really longs for things spiritual and a chance to be able to share that with others...’ ‘so how was this church?’ ‘not good I'm afraid. Not good at all. it reminded me a lot of growing up. I went to Christian schools all through growing up and it was fucking nuts. a lot of talk about ‘us versus them.’ they have this attitude of ‘we’re saved and ‘they're not.’’ and they talk about it the whole damn time. they kept referring to all the people on my block, by the way did you know that on the block that I live on there are 7000 people?’ ‘no way.’ ‘way. seriously. that's what they said at least. Anyway, they referred to everyone on my block who wasn't a born again Christian as ‘unsaved, lonely souls, lying and dying on the side of the road, I swear to God, they really said this... as if they have to save us all or else we will be forever damned...’ ‘well they believe that...’ ‘I know, and its scary that in this day and age with all we know about science and religion and physics and astronomy and metaphysics that people still think like that. it was actually really scary because I hadn't been in a church like that for a long time and I had forgotten that that's out there.’ ‘it’s a reality though I'm afraid. What are you gonna do. that's life my brother’ ‘indeed it is.’  

Anyway so today wasn't so good of a church experience. In fact, it was rather frightening. Last week at unity was fine. At least there are open minds there. I did get a chance to talk with God a bit and that was nice. ‘God/Goddess, what am I doing here? you know my heart. help me to know you God... help me to know the real you... help me to open my heart and mind and ears and eyes enough to really know you. you know me God, I can’t think like this. this is fucking madness. I'm never going to believe in any of this only through Jesus stuff or the Krishna stuff or the Allah stuff... show me the truth God, show me the real God and spirit... let me know you so I can serve you better God... in my own name I pray.’

The whole damn time they were praising Jesus and saying he was their savior and without him we are doomed to lie dead and suffering on the side of the road... and I'm trying to hold myself back from jumping up and screaming ‘people don't you know that we’re our own savior? Don't you see that every population in the world has an idea of a different savior and in the end none of it even matters because we’re the savior that we’re really looking for?! We don't need a savior from two thousand years ago anymore than we need a Buddha or a Krishna or a Ganesh or a Mohamed or any of that. we’re all little pieces of God people. we’re God right here on earth. Here we are. millions of us. millions of little gods. Lets praise us. lets take this time to worship ourselves.. man I'm loving your music here, but use it to celebrate us!!!’

The other thing is that the minister had all the guys who had ever served in the armed forces stand up and had everyone pray for them. but not one mention of all the innocent Iraqis that have died in this war. Nothing. I stood there in shock and awe. Just total blindness as to the realities of what's really going on.

God do I long for the day when we will be able to pray to a God of no denomination, no dogma, no religion, no backwoods hillbilly camel in the desert fundamentalist intolerant closed minded bullshit attached.

This lady comes into the smoke shop asking us for money to donate to animals. She tells us that your best friends in the world are animals. People will leave you, animals won't.’ and then ‘there’re no animals in the next life, so enjoy them while you can.’ strange set of beliefs I thought. And then Lon tells me ‘don't ever go out with a read-head. They're all certifiable.’ Great now I've heard it all. we’re now classifying people by the color of their hair? Made me think about church this morning. Gosh, people will claim to have all sorts of whacked out beliefs. there are so many beliefs out there, people will just look at you with a straight face and recite them to you as if they are real. I swear to God everyone is just fucking nuts.

Last screening: Mr. smith goes to Washington. Starring jean Arthur and of course jimmy Stewart. A classic. A must see. I loved this movie.

Inspired by the film. saw a lot of myself in that character. This kind of innocent ‘well what's going on?’ kind of naiveté I seem to have just dancing and singing through life without ever looking around to really see what's really happening around me. Been burned a few times and dare I say that lately I have noticed a certain cynicism crop up in me that just isn't me.

Man I'm starting to think that maybe I'm missing the boat. Watching this movie, and then reflecting on what I've been writing in the diaries the last few weeks... so afraid to let anyone in. so afraid of getting close to anyone because in the end they're just going to disappoint you anyway. have to say, that's where I'm at now. I guess you could say that my heart’s kind of closed. But boy I sure would like to change this now. I'm ready to meet me again. I like me. I like the happy go lucky make friends with anyone kind of guy I am. If I wasn't so worried about how the love/friendship would conclude... I guess I just need to let that go and just be open and real and do it more unconditionally. Today I had this realization about Bas. He doesn’t speak to me at all right now. if you can imagine. As crazy as that sounds. The guy was my best friend in the world. But I guess because Cleo and I are battling it out now he feels uncomfortable. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why. I just can’t get to the bottom of it. its caused me a lot of pain lately. Of course it has. And I've kind of had this oh fuck it who cares about getting to know anyone attitude the last few months because of it. But the thing is... you know, anyone can feel that way. plenty do. But if you're just going to try to max this life out and get the most out of it and help others do the same, then that attitude isn't going to help much at all. nope. Have to rise up out of it and realize that if you're going to help people, that if you're going to befriend people, you're going to have to do it from the heart unconditionally. I know writing this that that's easy to say, but I'm going to try. again.

There is the old saying, that if you increase your communication with the world that your net worth increases right along with it. I changed it around a bit to read ‘your net worth is equal to your network. The bigger your network, the bigger your net worth.’ But there has to be real time action involved as well. you’ve got to have the follow through.

Hey ash,
Great to hear from you. yes keeping up with emails to all of our millions of friends is tough stuff these days. life lesson #41 = often times we avoid replying to emails immediately because we feel like we have to say a lot or come up with some great response... so we let the email sit in the box forever and then by the time we see it again we feel bad for never responding... same thing we do with avoiding calling people... figure we just don't have the time because the call is going to take forever. But lately I have just come to realize that this new technology that we are still getting used to is all about just staying in touch with people we dig more often than we did before. Its not like the old days where we had to talk for an hour if we get someone on the phone. often times a "yo bro, what's up? things good? yeah. Me too. chillin. Cool man. Well keep me posted. Hey man let me know when you're coming to town. yeah, I will too. cool. tell so and so that I said hello. alright man, later' is all we really need. that's enough. That's better than what we had before cell phones and email. we have to use and benefit from this new technology, not drown in it.]




And Rob Breszny says this week:
“LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): We're all in the closet in one way or another. Every one of us feels that there's some part of ourselves we've got to hide; that if we reveal the totality of who we really are, we will suffer. For example, U.S. Army Sgt. Robert Stout, who was wounded and got a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq, ultimately decided he was tired of being secret about his homosexuality. As a result, he can't re-enlist, even though he'd like to. My psychotherapist friend Alicia has always used astrology in her practice, but only recently chose to be open about it. Some of her colleagues broke off relations when she told them. According to my reading of the omens, Libra, it's an ideal time to carefully come out  of whatever closet you've been in. I'm not saying there'll be no repercussions; just that you'll have clarity and strength as you deal with them. And the freedom you create with your brave revelation will change everything for the better.”


So I'm feeling that. I know precisely what this may be referring to, whether one believes that astrological influences can have any real bearing or significance to our lives or not. But for me, this particular week’s horoscopic omen appealed profoundly. Ever since I first got that hit to start to work on freeing myself of pretension, the subject of my age and how it relates to my chosen profession has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I need to come clean with who I am and how old I am and where I've been. Regardless of what the media says or the major record labels or our managers. I'm losing the opportunity to talk to my own generation and connect with them because I'm so busy pretending that I'm younger and part of a different generation. There's this whole precept that you have to be young to be successful in the music business. so we all play along with it. I don't even want to go into the story of how our management company sat us all down in a swanky penthouse suite at the plaza hotel in nyc a few years back and changed all of our ages so we would be better suited for the major record labels. I've been living that lie ever since. but at my own expense. Here I am pretending that I'm younger than half the people I know when in fact I'm one of them. and along with that comes a whole slew of other lies. Tears for fears? Never heard of them. LOL! the eighties? What's that? a TV show? LOL. so yeah... what a mess. time to come out of the closet as dear old Rob recommends. I need to let go of this no matter what the repercussions, get real, and come to real terms with who I am, give myself this gift so I can start to be there and really communicate with my own generation. If not being real, then what the hell am I really doing?


Did more filming today for the TV show. Final shots, in between shots. I am totally winging this. have no idea what I am doing. But it was a damn good day. I really felt it. I don't know how much real good footage we got yet, but I felt it. I touched on some things. my conclusion about life as we know it for the show was rather doom and gloomy, but that's just where I'm at.


I have learned that you cannot wait for people. if you do and things get fucked up, then that's your fault. It doesn’t matter what your reason is. if you wait for someone because your priority is not as important to them as it is to you, or perhaps it is but they just can’t get it together, that's still your fault. If you wait for others to get your shit done you will always feel held back. and indeed you will be held back. your shit is never as important to anyone else as it is to you. the smart man knows this. the smart man plows ahead regardless of others who are slower or unable to commit or complete. The smart man makes it happen regardless. When the money is being counted, justice will be served. They say it all comes out in the wash. But nothing comes out in the wash if you blow your chances waiting on people who just aren't cutting it.

Still notice in me this uneasiness about letting people in. I am becoming more and more resistant
to becoming close to people. this morning while I was writing I noticed the next door neighbors downstairs in their yard sorting their garbage and recycling. I thought of how I used to do that at our house when I was with Cleopatra and my first reaction was something like “God, the poor bastard. He thinks that matters. Sorting the garbage and recycling... little does he know what a waste of time all that is...” I think this is what we call cynicism. I have never been too sure about this word cynicism. But I'm pretty sure that's what that is. I'm noticing inside of me now a very strong resistance to getting close to people because I feel like it’s a worthless venture. One minute someone seems like your friend and then the next you don't speak with them for a month. I fucking hate that. I must say that if there is one thing that I need to eradicate from my thinking and feeling system as of right now, it is this. I need to let go of this and just let love in and get back to being myself.

What I'm noticing as I get older is that a lot of people aren't as obsessed with friends as I seem to be. I think a lot of people are cool with spending time alone. But I'm just not that way. I like my alone time. but I love my friends. Need to start honoring the friendships that I do have and stop looking back. for some people that seems to come easy. they don't mind friends coming and going in their lives. Me, I hate to admit it, but I let old friendships that are no more taint my ability to even recognize or appreciate new friendships because I get this why bother attitude running around in my head. But inside I know that's not right. just have to work on it. recognize when its running and let it go.

Last screening: Hotel Rwanda. A MUST SEE. Sure it has its share of Hollywood cheese with the obligatory happy ending. A happy ending in the wake of complete genocide of over a million people? well, yeah, it’s a true story, and so you can’t fault the writer/director completely because after all, it really did end happily for this particular family. Thank God. what a great story. Some people have the opinion that the French or the British or the Americans should have come in and saved all those people. after all, isn't that why we’re in Iraq? (insert chuckle and a few high fives here) But from a different viewpoint, one can see that maybe in the long run, one country can’t keep stepping into other countries and fighting their battles for them, risking their own lives for others... but over a million people murdered and we didn't do anything? Crazy. I guess it all just comes down to money. if there's something to be gained we move in. if not, then we don't move in... and maybe in the bigger picture that's just the way it is.

I'm not sure if everyone is like this. but for me, I just don't know if I will ever get over that underlying nagging lonely feeling that can accompany you ever so subtly when you are, well, all alone in the world, until I am actually married with children... makes me think of the Stallion. I don't know why exactly but I believe it may be just because when we first met and started dating she too expressed a strong desire to settle down and partner up with someone. I do not forget that day at the beach when she whined (understandably so) ‘I'm tired of being alone. Of doing everything alone. I want to have a partner...’ I felt for her that day. and as time has passed for me without finding my soulmate, wife, partner in future crime, I can relate more readily with her sentiments. I pray that one day she will find someone who will love her and cherish her forever. I love her very much and know what an amazing catch she is. she deserves it.

The single life is a grand thing. it is true that if you're a guy it can be a great thing because you can taste the fruits of all the different countries of the world and that's a wondrous thing. I will never regret my single years. and I am sure when I am older and married for years and years and years and made love to my wife in every position known to man in every room in our house and our in-laws house that I will look back at these single years as something to be cherished and remembered fondly. But for the life of me I cannot shake this uncontrollable desire to partner up and begin nesting and family building with my one true love, wherever she is, whoever she is.

I am reading a collection of essays by Kevin smith, silent bob for those in the know, and it gives me hope because this guy is NUTS, and I figure if he can find a woman who loves him and accepts him with how crazy he is, then I have nothing to worry about.

Good times last night. hanging with TomCat, who now wants to be called something like Thomaso, Lil Sis (this was her idea, but says she's not committing to it so it may change), and one of her friends from school, a cat named Bret who works for Brooks Brothers as a tailor. Tom cat is obsessed with Asian women. I had never had a thing for Asian girls myself. They are certainly the current leaders in fashion now. the Asians are really stretching it. their eye is impeccable. Their fashion sense is out of this world. they are leading the pack right now. if urban culture once lead the pack in fashion, which they certainly did at one time, and still do to many, the Asians are going to revolutionize fashion soon. its happening now.

but still it was never my thing. tom cat spoke about his time in Korea as an English teacher and we all listened intently, learning a lot about what he calls that special something that is inbred in them over thousands of years that American women could never possess, in the way they know how to treat a man like a king. He speaks of them as some men speak about good cigars or fine wine or expensive cars. A gleam in his eye.

New York is amazing today. 68 degrees and sunny. Just to sit in the park and write is difficult because there are so many beautiful people everywhere to look at and talk to. so many beautiful girls in New York. today as I was walking down Park Ave. I was looking at all the beautiful girls that pass you by, and sometimes you just have to watch them as they walk out of view because they are so beautiful and fresh and alive looking. And this is part of the joy and wonder of being a man and loving women in New York. With no intention, you just watch them and admire them. for me I love the girls with the dark hair and the Italian glasses. Forget about it. I almost drop dead from that look. I'm thinking, how could we ever choose just one? how would we ever know which one to choose? I swear to God you could fall in love ten times in a day and not even notice it. falling in love is easy. staying in love... now that's the challenge...

it has to be something magical involved in the process. Something that tells you ‘this is the one’ and that makes you forget about all the others. I am longing for that now. not that I haven't been for years now, but the other fantasies have either been lived and experienced or don't seem as important now compared to that. so we wait for that something magical that just blows you away and takes a hundred and ten percent of your attention... someone you can become slightly obsessed with I guess and that can occupy all of your attention so there isn't any left for all the other birds out there you haven't had opportunity to be with. As I was walking I had this realization...  that... ‘she too waits to meet you.’ it was a whisper in my ear by the angels I believe. that simple. But profound. She too waits to meet the man of her dreams. and that is quite a comforting thought. So I just kept walking on, and lifted my head a bit higher and realized that one needn’t worry too much about it. relax and allow.

Made me think of Cleopatra. Always something so tragic there. all I wanted to do was protect her from that. and yet I knew I couldn’t. what could I really do? but still, I carried it with me from the moment we met. Always trying to protect her... eventually I came to realize that I couldn’t. it wasn't up to me. it was something carried inside of her. I could talk her down, but I couldn’t eradicate the fear and anxiousness. It just wasn't for me to do. but still, even today, I still feel called to it sometimes when I hear that in her voice. Maybe that's just the man in us. that wants to protect and comfort and heal and provide safety and security to our beautiful little loved ones.

Liner notes for new album:
When we were rehearsing for the new CD, we had a lot of songs to choose from. I knew I wanted to record an album called Girls and just record all the songs each of us had ever written about girls. Maybe have one disc of new, unreleased songs about girls, for we are always writing them, and then another disc as a freebie that would contain a compilation of all the songs about girls collected from other already released albums. just for fun really. humor me on this one. I know that's what the guys in the band have been doing about it. as they always do.

So while we rehearsed all these songs about girls, we also rehearsed others as well. songs that didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Perhaps another album. Solaris and we are columbine and Zion and the rest of them. Soon a set of songs appeared that all seemed to go together. they had the same vibe. Maybe not the same style, which has always been my Achilles heal as a song-writer. My eyes are bigger than my stomach so to speak. Always wanting to take on more than I can handle or more than you are meant to on one album maybe. That has always been according to critics at least a burden that I was all too willing to bare regardless of the criticism because frankly as an artist I just enjoy doing whatever the hell I want to; and as a music fan I just really enjoy lots of different musical styles. I've never enjoyed listening to a whole album all the way through. Not even by my favorite artists. Call it ADD, whatever, that's just me.