I did it last night. I finally made the leap. Could not take another day of the diaries... I took the plunge and began taking notes to complete the tribe moves to London screenplay and a new one called Shiraz, or maybe, coming is happy, going is sad. I wrote all night. But Instead of taking notes in the diaries I poured myself into actual work. Must confess it is not easy, but I did it. very inspired by Charlie Kaufman and his beautiful script for eternal sunshine... he finally won. And yes it was too late. he should have won for adaptation and being John malkovich. But still... justice was served this year. Charlie finally won.

Current spin; alain bashing, best of. Older French singer. just trying to get inside of the heats and minds. No better way than through the music.

Gifts

One year, Princess Little Tree had made me a photo album for Valentines Day. it was filled with photos of her since she was a child all the way up to present day. I must say that I have received so many amazing valentines day presents in my life that I could never possibly qualify or compare them. I have been so lucky in this, in love, I have been truly blessed in this life. But this gift. Wow what a gift. I won't say that it is the most special vd gift I have ever received but in this moment it feels like it is. and that's the way life is. each current moment seeming the most important, the most special. That is part of present-moment-human-consciousness. [unless one is stuck in remembering... in which case the past always seems the most special or the most important. Or unless someone is a dreamer and just always thinks the future is going to be more important or more special....] But for me, my brain just always feels like NOW is IT. It is how we process things in the human mind. For better or worse. Would love one day to have more of a holistic view of things... and I bet that as the years collect, this is what we acquire. And I bet that this is what we call wisdom...

So I sit and I look at all the wonderful pictures in the album and I get to know the Princess more deeply and intimately. Many make me smile or laugh or cry... and that's the way love is. and that's a beautiful thing. But there is a moment in the album when it gets to her when she is pregnant for the first time... and I cannot describe the reaction it creates in me. for weeks I have struggled with these pages. I look at them and smile and enjoy the learning... but I notice my body tense up and react with unbearable anger and resistance.

Last night I spent a few hours researching reviews from the past year of the sleep with you CD. our new CD went out this week for review to the press and I wanted to see what they would see if they Googled us and our last few releases. I already knew that rise and shine was well received for the most part. So I had no attention on that one. but sleep with you... honestly I had been avoiding reading reviews all year... I must have read over a hundred reviews and for the most part we were just torn apart for it... in all honesty... I cannot pretend or deny it away. even the positive reviews missed the point a lot of the time. we just didn't get across what we were aiming for. or perhaps we did... but either way, it was destroyed by most critics... too bad, because I love that album...and am still very proud of it.

There was one writer who got it. he really understood it. began his critique by explaining that the CD was an exploration and celebration of love and sex and romance and relationships and women... not much more, but no less because of that fact... I really appreciated this one person getting that... that's all I was trying to do with that work. That was it. and this one guy got it. [some guy tells me today that its like each of our cds is a diary of that time period in our lives because of the feeling of the songs and the artwork... now HE really gets it.] But everyone else just ragged on us.... especially on me. I read everything from ‘the music is pure generic crap’ to how awful of a singer I was to how bad the drum sounds were to how lame the guitar playing was to how puerile and asinine the lyrics were. Superhero girl was called ‘dunder-headed fluff’ and we were ‘blustery’ I didn't even know what the word blustery meant and had to look it up. well it isn't a good word. In general the feeling was why the hell is this guy on the cover with a naked girl on his bed and why the hell are all the songs about girls and drugs...

Princess Little Tree reminded me that before we began the album I told her that my intention was to create an album about sex drugs and rock and roll and that's exactly what I did. so why should I be so surprised by the reception... you know, with rise and shine I was accused of being too feel-goody and spiritual and lets change the world... and so perhaps sleep with you was a reaction to that. in fact, I am sure it was. but the saving grace is that nothing is cohesive had no secret meaning, no concept whatsoever... it was just us enjoying recording a collection of songs that we liked because we enjoyed making music together. I hope that comes off. I hope it is well received... I don't know if I can take another beating like we took with sleep with you. I spent all night tossing and turning, the harsh words of the various critics spinning around in my fucking head... I will be the first to admit that that is not easy. you can pace the floor and scribble notes and take walks, but the words still linger... perhaps Bas was right after all: “Stop fucking reading the reviews Fishy. good or bad. I'm telling you you're a fool man, they're meaningless. Stop reading them.”

One thing I notice is that all these writers always point to bono and bowie as my main influences vocally – certainly the similarities end there – I don't think my songs have ever sounded like either --- some cat says beautiful one sounds like a bowie ballad... yeah right... it just doesn’t even sound close to that... but none of them have ever been astute enough to get that its marc bolan who all three of us are copping. Bowie has admitted it a hundred times. without marc there would be no David as we knew him back then. you can hear when David first heard marc... you can hear the change in his singing style when he went from copping Dylan and Anthony Newly to copping marc to eventually when he started being David.... at times you cannot tell the two apart... and bono talks about one of his first erotic rock and roll experiences  --- as a kid in Dublin watching the TV and seeing marc bolan for the first time and he pointed to the screen and said ‘I wanna do that.’ when bono gets all smooth and intimate and holds the mic with both hands up to his face and scrunches his mouth up to sing breathy and romantic as if every word was an epiphany... that's marc coming out... I don't consciously ape anyone anymore but on occasion I will just full on sing through the marc filter unknowingly because it just sounds so cool and is so much fun to sing like that... then I'll catch myself and be like ‘bro, you're totally copping bolan right now. ease it up a bit man...’ but its really interesting how no one ever notices. They always call it bono or bowie but never take it further. His influence is so huge and far reaching but the critics just never talk about it. I don't know why. like Jim Morrison in that way. the critics never got marc’s influence. But one day they will.

Learning a language that does not use our alphabet is difficult. It is being thrown into water but never being taught to swim. It is driving blindfolded. It is a bike for the first time without training wheels...

There is nothing to hang onto because the alphabet is not the same. The letters are not the same. They don't look the same. They don't even use the same numbers we do... quick: think of the letter three/3. now picture it: 3. right? right. no. wrong. They DON'T FUCKING HAVE THAT!!! 3 DOES NOT EXIST TO THEM!!! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THAT??? HOW FUCKING AMAZING IS THAT??? there is no 3. there is the word three but in their language, and there is the number 3 but it doesn’t look like that... it looks like something I cannot even type. Totally fucked up.

So you're really out there in a whole other world, as one assumes you are when learning an Asian language such as Chinese or Japanese. Persian looks like script. More like designs. 32 letters instead of our 26. but only one vowel which has six different sounds to it depending on its context, so you could say it has 37 letters... depending on how you look at it.

What I am having to do with it is just listen and try to repeat it... just learning the flow of it.. the sound of it. as if it is poetry or lyrics to a song... this is why I am so good at learning languages... I hear them as lyrics to songs... and through that I am able to get inside of it, or get it inside of me...

Today in French class the teacher showed a recent news piece from French television about the visit from gw bush and his meeting with French prime minister Chirac. Having not subscribed to TV for the last six months, I felt sickened from it and filled with anxiety, so I left the room. My skin was crawling and I felt as though I had to vomit. I had forgotten what it was like in the world of tv... being so insulated the last few months in my own little private world.

When I returned to the class, our teacher Ms. Peggy asks me ‘Fishy what prompted your abrupt departure? Too good for French television?’ ‘on the contrary Pegs,’ I answered, ‘I'm just not going to watch that bullshit, pardon my French,’ everyone laughs, because I answered her in English, not in French, which is a big no-no. ‘I'm looking for a good cowboy?!’ I exclaim. ‘you know what the worst part is? he's not kidding. Your French television makes light of it, thinks its funny... but he's not kidding... he's totally serious. But you guys just don't even recognize it. he's not fooling around. this guy is a cowboy and lets not forget it. and there's nothing cute or funny about cowboys... I don't know about you, maybe its just because you are new to our country Pegs, and so you don't know, but when I think of cowboys, I think of a bunch of cocky idiotic uneducated murdering fuckhead bastards killing native Americans and stealing their land and raping their women... growing up watching cowboys on TV, that's what cowboys mean to me.’

This really sexy girl in our class from the country of Jordan looks at me with her eyes wide open, ‘wow. Too bad more people don't feel like you do Fishy.’ she says in more of an English accent than a middle eastern one. ‘You are very bold to think like that.’ ‘yeah. It is too bad Ines,’ I answer her. you could see and feel my displeasure and my anger at having to watch that news piece. ‘The most dangerous terrorist on the planet today is traveling around to all of these different countries this week, and every one of these countries had an opportunity to stand up and speak their mind. All they had to do was refuse to allow him into their country and they really could have made their point that they didn't agree with his invading Iraq but instead they let him in and spent the last four days showboating and pretending for the TV cameras. And he has the nerve to say he's looking for a good cowboy. What the fuck do you think he means by that?’

New York is snowing now. We have a blizzard here. it has not stopped snowing since 4pm. It is now 10pm. Everywhere you look it is covered in white.... it is quite beautiful. I am sitting in the window box of my bedroom as I do every night with the window open, smoking a cigar and typing and the snowflakes are flying in and landing all over me and my trusty old laptop. It is quite magical. Of course my fingers are freezing... but there is a real joy in the air.

Dasher and I talk about it tonight over a few drinks and a few hits of the water bongs at this underground Moroccan club after a movie. I share with him that people in the rest of the country always wish me a short and warm winter when we are speaking... but I tell them that I would like one or two more blistering blizzardly weeks covered in white. There is something about it that I like very much. Without it, the year does not feel complete... one or two just wouldn’t do. and one can perceive that most people in the city agree by the level of joy and exuberance you feel in the air from everyone all around you in the street and in the stores and on the subways. Remember, that the population here is a whopping 27,000 people per square mile. By far the most dense city in America. And People here are very happy when it snows. Its cold. And I keep slipping on the slippery sidewalks every few minutes. And the cold snow hitting my face as I walk is a tad uncomfortable and frustrating, I must admit. But still... there is something very special about a real winter versus what many other cities and towns experience as winter in the world.

Dasher immediately fills with light and energy when discussing it. “snow is good luck man. When it snows its good luck...” “you believe that?” I ask him. ”Oh yeah man. Can’t you feel it?” “Yes I suppose I do... its magic isn't it?” “Its so many things. its warm and comforting. It makes the city clean, its this comforting white blanket that makes everything seem o.k. for a while... like a fresh start... for us all.” “Yes Dasher. I couldn’t agree with you more.”

Dear Jules,

yes, love... I know what you mean now. I like it but part of me does not like it... part of me wants to run into the arms of it 24 hours a day and part of me wants to run far away, sneak away in the middle of the night to a different country and not return for a few years....

Anyway, kings of convenience = so cool!!! total Simon and Garfunkel and Donovan!!! I  love it thank you for recommending. And please feel free to recommend more if you got any more up your sleeves....

And you... you felt me feeling love for someone else??? all on your own? or did I tell you? funny... but yes... good stuff. now I know what you mean by ‘raw’

Yes raw... but in a good way. an almost good way... lol.

All my love Jules, take care.
Fishy

current spin: nick drake, five leaves left. His first. his best perhaps. What a mood.

If you're a real trooper and want to see something truly horrifying but very real, check out the newest photos from the fields of the Iraq invasion sent in by our good friend Zeke:

Zeke says ‘Enjoy...’ although I found it hard to enjoy this...

http://dahrjamailiraq.com/gallery/view_album.php?set_albumName=album32&page=1

Studying the language of Farsi/Persian now. tough stuff. But as I learn more about their history I feel a longing to get closer... to find more connection... plus I am really digging their music right now.

Current spin: jay z, black album. I love this CD!!! I love Jay z. if Eminem is sesame street Jay z is electric company.

A few things I've observed. when you are in love, it is all you think about. another thing. when you fall in love with someone you experience something called jealousy. I had forgotten about jealousy. But it is real. As unenlightened and untranscendent as it may be, its like a ghost that creeps up on you when you're sleeping, and its hard to shake off.

Current read: Persepolis, by Marjane Satrapi ... this book is cool because it is in the form of one giant comic book, about a hundred and fifty page history of modern Iran. So its not so scholarly. Just a good read of the facts with an attempt to be very light-hearted and whimsical... which lightens the otherwise tragic events being relayed. I am inspired from the learning, but horrified at what I have learned. Lots of data to process.

Quickly:
- the Iranians are not Arabs, like many of the other middle eastern countries. They are Persians, or Aryans. The name Iran comes from the word Aryan. The Arabs/Muslims invaded in 636 and forced their Muslim religion onto them – they were Zoroastrians before that – which as we've already discussed is very similar to Judaism/Christianity.
- since that time they had always been ruled by one monarchy or dynasty or another. But the people wanted to rule, they wanted a democracy. In the 1930s it looked as though the people were going to have a revolution and take over the country from the then-emperor, and turn it into a republic or democracy so the people could rule. Just like the United States.
- But England and the United States came in and bribed the revolutionaries into keeping it a monarchy instead of a democracy because they wanted the oil. So they promised their support of the revolution and lots of money in exchange for free access and first rights to all of this oil they were finding. So they basically turned the government from one monarchy into another overnight, but one they could control. The people didn't get to rule themselves after all. instead they were now being ruled by England and America thinly veiled as being through this new monarchy, the Shaw.
- this went on for fifty years and the dictatorship was pretty brutal. The American CIA helped teach the Iranian government spy and torture techniques in order to capture and torture and kill anyone who was trying to win the country back for the people so they could become a democracy like we are. they were just trying to be like us, but our government was working to stop them from doing that because they were controlling the dictatorship/monarchy that was in charge so they could get the oil. crazy stuff.
- in 1979 the people finally took over in the great revolution and overthrew the shaw. But they did it through this whole Islamic thing....using religious fervor and fundamentalism to empower them to do so.... so bye bye shaw but hello crazy Muslims.
- soon after the take over they took the Americans hostage as a way to get back at us for how we killed and tortured so many of them for so long. growing up in America we aren't told any of this of course. we are taught that they took us hostage because they are crazy fuckers. They forget to mention that our government was lying to the whole world and killing and torturing them and keeping their people in a dictatorship for fifty years even though they wanted their own democracy. So of course they were mad and they took a bunch of people hostage. I remember seeing the American flags burning on TV as a tiny boy and thinking ‘gosh how scary. Who would want to do that to us?’ I understand now. they weren't doing it to ‘us’ but they were doing it to our government. Our uncontrolled crazy ass government that does whatever it wants to in our name and then we the people pay the price for it.
- o.k. so then Saddam Hussein of Iraq decides to invade Iran in 1980 because they have permission from the United States. not only do they have permission, the American government is offering money and weapons and anything else Saddam wants in order to get him to take over the country of Iran. One assumes the US government’s plan was to get Iraq to take over Iran and then to take over Iraq and we would have both countries under our belt. So for eight years the US gov secretly supported the Iraqis against the Iranians... out of the frying pan and into the fire these US government guys are. from one mess to another.


one thing is this. Iran is Iran. Its not America. In a way none of this has to be my business. So with that said, suffice it to say that Iran will be Iran and we will be America. But as an American at heart, the aspects that involve America are the aspects of the story that still touch me the deepest. I cannot help but be affected by the history of Iran as we, our government, directly relate to these people’s lives and futures....

So where are we with this? I mean, as an American... as a person.... as a human... its 7am. I sit here in the dark and type in the dead quiet. For some reason I wake up super early now... no matter how late I go to bed... this can only be a good thing. I'm listening to this amazing Persian classical music right now as I type, the music is fast and pulsing, the vocals haunting and ancient sounding; my thoughts are fast... just need to get it down...

obviously I feel lied to. have to let that go. we have to face it and let it go. we are being lied to. it was all a lie. The Iranians taking our people hostage because they are crazy and evil... that was a lie. It was we who were being crazy and evil and they were reacting to that after fifty years under the persecution and control of the US and England tyrannical clutches... so we were lied to and we are still being lied to. o.k. but we have no choice in this. we’re not going to be taking over our government anytime soon. they have shown that to us time and time again. the days of the people of America controlling America are over. they lie to us. we have to face it, accept it. they are lying murdering thieving fuckhead bastards, as most governments of the earth seem to be, -- in their defense I will offer that maybe they aren't aware of it because I believe their webs of deception are so twisted and interwoven at this point that most of them don't even know what the hell is going on.

My heart has broken open. not broken. Just broken open. love... wow... it had been a long time. I feel completely raw. I had forgotten what it was like. No wonder it is all the talk of the world.

Break...

There is the theory of the hypnogogic state of consciousness... this is the state just before you fall asleep, or just after you have fallen asleep. Just when you begin dreaming, but you are still awake enough to be aware that you are asleep. It is as if you are watching yourself. Your dreams are very vivid. Ideas abound. I don't remember who it was off the top of my head, maybe Davinci or twain or Einstein... perhaps none of them, but I remember the story where he used to sit at his desk with a string attached to a bell hanging above him. just as he fell asleep his arm would fall which would make the bell ring. He would then wake up out of dreaming and immediately start writing down everything he could remember from the dream great thoughts can come out of this state of consciousness. There is another story about another man, again I cannot remember who it was, who used to do the same thing by holding a ball in his hand so as soon as he fell into sleep his grip would loosen and the ball would drop to the floor waking him up and he would also immediately write down everything he could remember.

It is a given that artists of all kinds, writers, composers, etc leave pens and notepads by their bed and all over their home so as not to miss an idea. as Loren eisley contemplated once ideas are so fleeting... one minute you are in the center of it and in the next minute you don't even remember that you had an idea at all about anything. It is quite remarkable how the brain works like this. kind of sad and frustrating but very true. I do have a pen and pad next to the bed of course, and in every room of the house. always have. in the car. in my back pocket of course. and it is true, I find that some of the best ideas come just before sleep.... in that hypnogogic state somewhere between being awake and dreaming... when it is hard to tell if you are thinking or you are dreaming. This is a magical place. some of the best ideas come from this state. But the problem of course is in the remembering. Hence the tricks that past creatives have invented to wake themselves up out of it and take advantage of it. By my bed I keep a special pen I found online that has a light at the very tip of it so you don't have to turn on a light in the room. You just give the pen a little twist and this light comes on, enough to light up the paper you are writing on. It’s a brilliant invention. I would be lost without it.

When I am really knocked out and can’t even sit up to write, I use another method whereby as I get a thought that I wish to remember the next day I hold my hand up in the air for a few seconds with my forefinger up signifying that I have one idea to remember in the morning from the night before. if I get another I will hold my hand up again for a few more seconds with two fingers up to remind myself that there were two ideas. And so on. I have become accustomed to automatically asking myself how many fingers I had held up the night before just before I fell asleep in order to re-trigger those thoughts. It almost always works. 90% of the time I can remember upon contemplation what the thoughts were so I can get them down when I first wake up.

I'm traveling right now for a few days. I miss New York and new Yorkers. I find it hard to not be in big metropolitan cities. Or in just totally remote places like rural Vermont or Colorado etc... either or... but when I am in regular suburban America, I find it very difficult on my insides.

Current screening: bottle rocket. The first Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson film. before Rushmore, before royal tennenbaums, before life aquatic with Steve Zisou. You can see the beginning of what would eventually be greatness. art creates art. Art inspires art. I had never thought about this before. in it, but never outside of it enough to think about it. one day in 2002 Beth Ann told me that she used the rise and shine album a lot to paint to. that it inspired her in a certain way, that as a painter and not a musician herself that music had a profound effect on her work; her painting was always slightly altered depending on what she was listening to at the time.

I told her that I was working on a new album, what would eventually be sleep with you, but that I didn't know what it was yet or what it was about; but I shared with her how I go to the store and buy lots of picture and photo books when I am working on a new album. I keep stacks of photo books or painting books all over the house and bring a backpack full of them to the studio to inspire me. for rise and shine I carried around a lot of books of Picasso and van Gogh books and would flip through them all day and night to stay open and fresh and excited and inspired about the album and the possibilities of art. “and that would help you? that would help your music? looking at the paintings in the books,’ she asked. ‘yeah. A lot. makes me create better music, staring at the pictures...’

‘what kind of painting books are you looking at now?’ she asked. ‘Well now I'm more into photo books... I'm really into these erotica photography books actually...’ ‘you mean naked women?’ ‘Not exactly... but sometimes yeah. Even more than that. all sorts of different things... lots of books of girls... mostly black and whites... bondage, sexual without being overtly sexual... like that... fetish stuff... nudes... yeah...’ ‘how is it affecting your work? Compared to the Picasso books?’ ‘well its bringing about a whole different kind of music... its a lot more rock... and all the songs seem to be about girls, or sex, or love, or drugs... I don't know yet...’ Beth Ann let out a big sigh, a happy sigh, and we kept walking... she put her arm around the king and asked, ‘I love that.’ ‘what?’ ‘just how art inspires art like that... how the art of one artist inspires another artist and how circular it is... how the fields cross... how I paint to music and how Fishy composes music flipping through painting books...’

so this is where bottle rocket comes into the story I guess. Not really bottle rocket, because I can’t say I'm loving it yet. I think as with a lot of things I'm kind of the opposite of most people when it comes to Wes’s work. Whereas a lot of film lovers prefer his early movies (like with woody Allen as well), everyone talking about bottle rocket or Rushmore and a lot of them not really digging royal tennenbaums and even fewer getting life aquatic from what I can tell... I prefer his work in the order from the top down, life aquatic to me is a masterpiece, something that will last forever in the hearts and minds of humankind; it’s a van Gogh. More a Picasso, because I have always liked Picasso more myself... but for me its juice, watching his movies, its not me the person sitting enjoying the film... its that... but not just that... its me the artist studying the film, being inspired by the film, taking notes, getting ideas, having ah-hahs about my own art... admiring it as one does a fine painting in a gallery or a fine wine... and through that experience.... more art... more ideas... more possibilities... more potential.. the world stays open... and my art keeps coming... eternal sunshine of the spotless mind had that same effect on me. I think in the long run, in the bigger picture, I will look back in years to come and understand that that one movie inspired countless songs and full albums even... the mental and emotional impact it had on me was unfathomable.

Current spin: kings of convenience. BUY IT. I love it. soft and romantic. Reminds me of Donovan and Simon and Garfunkel.

-----Original Message-----
From:    julia Sent:    Mon 2/15/2005 11:29 PM
To:    fishy
Cc:
Subject:    Re: what it is

Dearest Fishy,
hahahahahaha! well goodness. here is this beautiful scroll awaiting after my so burbling baboon conversation with assyra. man! i had had a THICK day at school as had she, and we spoke briefly tonight about the Matter of Fishy. funny but i found myself being very protective of you. i think she wanted to hear portrait of the artist as a young man type stories but all i could convey to her was the general and profound universal awkwardness of junior high school, and the unnerving intensity of your curiosity and gaze even in one so young. we have spoken of this, you and i. i told her a little about the unnamed chorus teacher-- a bit about the Shattered gig where we ran into each other. nothing much though....

"um.  wow. Fishy. yes..."  Assyra is probably thinking, jesus, who let this hippie have a cell phone??? who knows what she'll do with my beige phrasing. perfect for rolling stone.  hahahahahahaha she is cool though. i just couldn't get JOURNALIST out of my head and so it was difficult to feel fluid.

She wanted to know if your path so to speak was apparent as far back as jr high. i told her that you are the most intensely-fearlessly-curious person I've ever met. that you examine things like a child would, from all angles, unafraid to act on your foibles or your passions and that you are honest about both of those. that you are no saint, more like a wizard. I told her that you have a good mom, and have been blessed with some good elders along the way. i hope she does you justice Fishy. if not, she will be out here in a month and i will have to sort it out with her somehow.  unleash the MOM, whap. so, things..............

Oh my god the grammy party sounded like a fucking riot!! "girls! doing things! TO me!! hee hee! back off girls this scarf is HANDMADE.  okay, you can touch me there though..."   but god, sheer exhilaration.
athena was by me on the stairs when i was listening to your message and she says, who is that? --it's rock star Fishy honey.--- is he okay?--- oh yes, he's at a rock star party... i could see her filing the feeling away for later. she wants to be president. which eventually will be something like being a rock star eh? so good on you Fishy -- sounds like your proprioception was accurate and you inhabited your space with utmost joy and good humor.  fucking rad. i am glad the scarf served. i am HONORED that you called me to tell me about the experience. truth, this.

about the tony robbins tapes--- i love them-- the only thing that makes me uneasy is the subliminals. i am feeling a huge resistance to undergoing that part of the process. read:TRUST ISSUE. i am fairly protective of my mind and what goes in it ---especially images because they are incredibly effective for me and tend to stick viscerally---invade my dream spaces too--- the thought of subliminal looping feels weird. any thoughts regarding this? what is your experience with this part of the program?

I still love soccer legs though.

thank you for the messages, and the priceless trust.

much and more--
cheers---julia

Mom calls. upset. Finally opens her heart up to men for the first time in years... and has started dating. She is happier than she has been in many years. shines. Glows. Smiles even more than normal, which says a lot for her. she is a very happy and bubbly person already. How is it to talk to your mom about her dating men... having your mom call you crying because she is breaking up with a boyfriend... not as bad as one would think... its easy for me. easier than I thought. She's cycling through boyfriends now. dating. Fun stuff. she still has a tendency to date down rather than up. ‘mom, please. just keep going through them. please don't bring the bloodline down any further. For gods sake...’ I joke. ‘don't be ridiculous Fishy. You're bigger than that honey.’ ‘Mom why am I the only who seems to be bothered if you and Beaver forget who we are and where we came from and keep bringing people into our families who are beneath us...’ I bite my tongue. I regret what I say immediately. I am a monster. Listen to me. isn't it love that's all that matters? Am I wrong to want to keep the blood.... ‘people are not beneath people because of money Fishy. you know better.’ ‘well I'm not talking about money here mom. You know that...’

‘Mom study history. Whole kingdoms have been brought down because of someone marrying the wrong person. that's all I'm saying. just please bear that in mind. We were raised a certain way. we came from a certain breed. Why am I the only one that remembers that?’ ‘honey you think too much about that. beaver is happy. don't pester the boy for that. don't ever talk this way to your brother.’ ‘mom he eats white bread and yellow mustard for gods sake....’ I'm an idiot I think... ‘honey your bother would eat like that no matter who he married... things like that are not important to Beaver. He doesn’t have the same tastes as you. there is nothing wrong with that. Look at his soul dear. He is more than all of that. He is a real gentleman. You need to see that...’

I do see it. I am just reacting to an unconscious resistance to being common. Probably because our family never lived up to our own upbringing... when our family came to America they came with a lot less than what they left behind. But they did this in order to find freedom and even more prosperity, as so many millions of people did and still do. This was how it was when you left your homeland and came to America I am told. But still they did well. Until the stock market crash of ‘29. My grandfather’s father lost everything and shot himself at the age of 35 leaving his wife and seven children behind. A weak man, and a coward. But still, my grandfather, the youngest, managed to climb back up and became very successful. Ironically he worked for the United States government for forty years as an attorney and judge. If he could only see me now. he would be chasing me around the house trying to hit me... But the family never regained the prestige or the resources that they had back home. that's the point.

I will never forget my grandfather and grandmother sitting us down one summer day when we were children and showing us our great great great -- I don't know how many generations back -- paternal grandfather’s name in the encyclopedia Britannica. This did not mean much to me at that age because I assumed that everyone had family in those big black books.... but later it became something very important to me. He was a famous mathematician who discovered many very algebraic formulas and theorems that are used and taken for granted today. then my grandmother showed us the name of her great uncle also in the Britannica who was a famous composer and musician who is not much remembered today except in scholarly circles. Again, I did not quite get the importance of this until much later. We were too young... but I gathered that it meant something...

The Beast is in the hospital again. ten heart operations in the last few years. everyone around him trying to get him to take Avatar. Or anything for that matter. Just do something to go inside and integrate who he is and what he’s done and what has happened to him in his past so he can get behind it. I am convinced that he is sick for no other reason than that he is exploding inside from anger and sadness and regret and resentment. I tell him this. But he refuses to accept it. he pretends he is sick because he is sick. He tries to convince me and himself that the past is not affecting him, that it does not affect people. he makes fun of people who go through therapy or self development courses trying to make themselves better people. he mimics them and mocks them and yet he is one of the most outwardly miserable and unhappy and unhealthy persons I have ever known.

Mom tells me to call him now that he is out of surgery and try to encourage him to explore the possibilities of taking Avatar or anything else that might bring out of his fatalism and cynicism... ‘I've already spent countless hours trying to explain the benefits of processing and working through that stuff mom. I'm sick of it. I don't know what else I can say to him.’ ‘well some people take longer than others honey. Just try with him again...’ ‘I've spent too many hours trying already. If he wants to stay sick and unhealthy and die miserable and in regret then that's what he's going to get. I can’t spend any more time trying to convince him that true happiness is possible...’ ‘that's a terrible thing to say Fishy.’ ‘I know. I'm sure I don't mean it. at least not entirely.’ and its true.

I called him not three days ago out of the blue just to thank him for being such a good father to me, even though he is my uncle. But he was always there for me as a father. Since I never knew my own father. Always there for me. since I can remember. With money. with kind and encouraging words. always very supportive. All the more ironic since he wasn't able to be that to his own children... what is that? that absentee father syndrome that so many men seem to get... but I do love the beast. Very much. He breaks my fucking heart. still carrying the torch of how abusive his upbringing was after all these years. I'll tell you, there is nothing more disturbing and damaging than growing up in an Italian household with a tyrant Italian father or grandfather. Shit. I don't even think it has anything to do with being Italian... I just think some men are fucking bastards and they can ruin a whole generation by their actions... my grandfather almost got to me and Beaver too but we managed to make it out alive and relatively sane. But it took me years of processing to get clear again. [getting clear comes from scientology. Think John Travolta or tom cruise. They call it ‘getting clear.’ in Avatar they call it ‘becoming source again.’ in other spiritual practices they call it ‘becoming enlightened.’ Christians call it ‘being born again.’ In more secular psychology circles they call it ‘getting healthy.’ Anthony Robbins calls it ‘living the life of your dreams.’ Whatever you call it, its all the same thing. letting go of the past. Getting back to the here-now. living the life you were meant to live. being happy again. that's what it comes down to. going back to how we were when we were first born... before life on earth ripped our souls apart and made us afraid to just be who we were.]

All I know is I will never do that to my kids. I will never be that kind of man.

I finally finished watching la dolce vita. Two weeks and five attempts later.... I watch fellini less as a moviegoer and more as a student or artist in resident I think. Less for entertainment and more for learning. It’s a study for me I've come to realize. La Principesa asked me once, ‘why do you watch his movies if you don't enjoy them so much? eventually don't you just want to turn them off?’ this comment of hers did in fact make me turn it off for a few days, and inspired me into a deep contemplation as to why I felt so compelled to sit and study fellini all these years when it was true, in fact, I didn't find great pleasure as a moviegoer when watching his movies... why couldn’t I just put the DVD back in its sleeve and send it back? why finish it? But as if a habit... I just continued to study the film more over the last few weeks. watching little bits here and there...  and I came to a deeper understanding of what was at play, for me at least. Just for me.... for me I have come to understand that its all about the art... I think of the Simpson's... so many of my friends loved the Simpson's... its not like I didn't get the Simpson's... but I just didn't get why anyone would want to watch it... but they love it. and they love it because it is entertainment to them... and to me I just had this realization that its never had anything to do with entertainment to me... I never got into entertainment... that's why I never got into sitting around playing video games with all my friends... or the latest Hollywood blockbusters...

but it has always been about art... so I laugh at the Simpson's like anyone else... its true. I've seen it once or twice --- I dare admit it, but it makes my stomach hurt... watching stuff like that... how do you describe it? low art? Versus high art? Or entertainment versus art? And really who’s to say. Perhaps the Simpson's is high art and la dolce vita is low art? That last scene certainly was.... so yes there we are... I feel a rush now in my chest at this new realization. Wow. I have always felt guilty for this. for being such an outcast and not liking or partaking in the enjoyment of popular cultural phenoms like the Simpson's or south park or sex and the city and all the other pedestrian stuff that flows in and out of human consciousness so successfully but seems to pass me by completely... has always made me feel like an outcast... like ‘c'mon Fishy why do you have to be so stuck up? this shit is sooooo funny...’ But like I said, stuff like that has always made my stomach hurt, made me feel guilty if I sat too long to experience it, for more than a few minutes and I start feeling anxiety inside as an artist... I start getting this panicky scared feeling that I am not being true to my bigger calling... crazy thing to feel I know. not even easy to write... but that's just the way its always been for me... whenever I spend time watching stuff like that... always made me scared as an artist – terrified inside, quietly, just to myself... a subtle slowly growing panic that I wasn't working hard enough or smart enough in that moment...

as an artist you are always keenly aware under the surface how little time we have here to make our statements... to achieve as much as we want to and long too... I think of Wes Anderson and his four films and then I compare it to how many albums I've made. or woody Allen or fellini... its sick and twisted and silly but I think we all do it... this constant state of anxiety that we aren't completing enough fast enough... for me its still a money thing... its not a prolific thing... just always a lack of resources and money to record as much as I want to... but it does feel like a race against time... because you are always thinking about how time is going by so quickly... and comparing yourself to other artists throughout history... and yes, that's it.... I don't necessarily only compare myself to other singers or musicians... as I think a lot of musicians do.... but just artists in general... fellini Picasso Davinci Caetano... its all the same thing... just artists doing their thing... Fellini. His works are grand that's for sure, if not wildly entertaining compared to what's been created more recently. But you just cannot fathom the immensity of a work like la dolce vita. 3 hours. 8 separate scenes peaking to a crisis during the evening and ending at dawn.., all interwoven so seamlessly that you don't even realize at first what it is you are seeing... a grand work... again, it’s a painting or a great album... but just done with film.

Dear Fishy, just to let you know, as a sign of the times, 94.9 Zeta is gone.  It has been replaced by Mega 94, a latin dance/pop/hiphop station.  So in South Florida, there is now officially no rock station at all.
Zeke

So its official. South Florida has no fucking rock radio. Two counties and what? twenty cities or more without rock radio. I left at the right time. that's for sure.

Zoroastrianism

O.k. check it. while studying Iran, and then Persia, I came upon the old religion of Zoroastrianism. This is the original religion of Iran/Persia; before all the invasions from other countries/religions/armies --- for a while they were forced into Christianity because of the Roman invasions, and then the final Muslim/Arabian invasion that turned almost the entire country into believers in Islam. But before this they were Zoroastrians. don't pay attention to the details if you don't want to. just read this. you're not going to believe it: This is from 1700 BC, long before the formal religions of Judaism, Islam, or Christianity were developed:

”In his writings Zoroaster speaks of an ethical and moral opposition between Asha (“order”), which he equates with righteousness, and Drug (“confusion”), which he equates with evil and the lie. Zoroaster personifies this dualism in a pair of spirits called Ahura Mazda (“Wise Lord,” known as Ohrmazd in Middle Persian), and Angra Mainyu (“Evil Spirit,” known as Ahriman in Middle Persian). See also Persian Language.

According to Zoroastrian doctrine, Ahura Mazda is a perfect, rational, and omniscient (all-knowing) entity. Thus, Zoroastrians believe that Angra Mainyu created sin, disease, death, and similar evils. Ahura Mazda is said to have created six Amesha Spentas (“Holy Immortals”), who represent aspects of material creation, in addition to other minor spiritual beings who assist in protecting the world and all creatures. Angra Mainyu is said to have produced numerous Daevas (demonic spirits), who represent aspects of pain, suffering, and death, to attack Ahura Mazda’s creations.

Zoroastrians believe that Ahura Mazda created humans as allies in the cosmic struggle against evil and that humanity will be resurrected and granted immortality once evil has been defeated. They further view the material world as a trap into which evil has been lured and in which evil will undergo defeat by divinities and humans working together. Zoroastrianism preaches that when someone dies his or her soul undergoes individual judgment based on actions while alive. If the soul’s good deeds are greater than its evil deeds, it enters paradise. If the soul’s evil deeds outweigh the good done while alive, it is cast into hell to await the day of universal judgment. In cases where a soul’s good deeds equal its evil deeds, it is consigned to limbo.

Close to the end of time a savior will resurrect the dead, Zoroastrianism claims. Ahura Mazda will descend to earth with the other good spirits. Each sinner, having already suffered in hell or limbo after death, will be purified. Thereafter, immortality will be granted to all humans. Ahura Mazda, the holy immortals, and other divine beings will annihilate the demons and force Angra Mainyu to scuttle back into hell, which will then be sealed.

The Zoroastrian doctrine of heaven, hell, and limbo influenced the other faiths. Islam absorbed not only the ideas of heaven, hell, and limbo, but also the scheme of individual judgment at a celestial bridge and the notion of final, universal judgment. Christianity further assimilated the Zoroastrian belief of heaven, hell, purgatory, individual judgment, the soul’s afterlife and the appearance of a savior, resurrection, and eternal life at the end of the world.”

O.k. this from our friends at the normally-commendable nightline, but prepare yourself for some of the most inane and worthless drivel this side of the Fox network or the wb:

“For those of you looking for love this Valentine's Day, we bring you the ultimate love story. Fred and Gladys, 35 years after they first met, are finally getting hitched. It is a story of romance, betrayal and constitutional high drama." 

"Who on earth are Fred and Gladys?" you might be asking yourself.

***no we’re not actually, but continue.

“Well, those are the not-so-aristocratic nicknames Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles had for each other during their long and tortured romance. Rumor has it that the original plan was to announce the engagement today, Valentine's Day. It would have been fitting really, since their story does prove that love conquers all."

***O.k. so how the hell does this tie in to the Transcendence Diaries? glad you asked. (I'm in a conference right now by the way – production meeting – five people total... I am acting like I am taking notes... which I am, sort of, but just not about the actual meeting) I just need to get this out of my system... o.k. ... so, uh, yes, on with the nightline drivel:

“It was 35 years ago that they first met, the perfect match: He, the heir to the throne and the most eligible bachelor in the country, and she, from the privileged, upper class. Polo, fox hunting and other common pursuits are what thrust them together.

***is it just me or do you have to read that sentence ten times in order to convince yourself that there are people in the world who are that stupid and inane that “polo, fox hunting, and other common pursuits” are what brought them together?

“They loved each other from the very beginning and everyone knew it. She was exactly the type of woman one might have expected the Prince of Wales to marry, but it was not to be. He joined the Royal Navy and traveled the world. She married someone else.

****o.k. so the chick married someone else and now we who don't care about these two in the first place, being Americans, are supposed to fall for this love story crap after you just told us that as soon as he joined the navy she married someone else? and this is supposed to be pawned off to the public as a love story? this is the part I really don't get... why the fuck are we supposed to care about this? why the fuck is nightline trying to pass it off like news?

“Of course we all know the rest.”

***uh, no, we don't, unless we are idiots who have no actual life of our own...

The lovely and innocent Lady Diana Spencer became the Princess of Wales, the People's Princess. Camilla was said to have approved the choice. But the marriage of Diana and Charles was fraught from the start and Camilla never disappeared. Diana famously described her marriage to Charles as "rather crowded" since there were three people in it, Camilla being the spare wheel. Just days before that fairy tale wedding back in 1981, Charles had a bracelet made for Camilla engraved with "F" and "G"- the initials of their pet names for each other, "Fred" and "Gladys."

***what an asshole. I fucking hate people like that. I am tired of the lowly common masses around us using things like country or religion or custom as an excuse for other people to lie or cheat or deceive..  if this guy wanted camile, he should have taken camila in the first place and spared us all the fucking trouble and perhaps almost certainly spared poor Princess diana her life.

“After years of being "the other woman", "the homewrecker" Camilla Parker Bowles will gain respectability as the wife of the one man she has always loved.

***so much so that she married another man...
“Of course it was not their decision alone. His parents, The Archbishop of Canterbury, the British prime minister, all were involved in the ultimate decision on the nuptials. It is, after all, a constitutional matter.
***as it certainly should be, since it is so goddamned important. my God I am very shocked in fact that our own president is presiding over the wedding itself... this is some life and death shit here...

“Tonight, "Nightline" correspondent Dave Marash reports from London on this royal romance, on the theories as to the timing of the announcement and why the British Royals still are so fascinating to so many of us.

***insert vomiting noises here***
“Ted Koppel anchors tonight as we have a little fun on this Valentine's Day. We hope you'll join us.”
***if this is your idea of fun, God help us all...

-----Original Message-----
From: Zeke Ziskin [mailto:.com] 
Sent: Monday, February 14, 2005 6:49 PM
To: 'fishy'
Subject: Diaries

Hey Fishy,

Was perusing through your diaries, and just had to comment on a post you made talking about how much you're into hip-hop/R&B/urban music.  It's so funny, because that's exactly where I'm at as well.  Rock feels positively dead to me, and all the interesting stuff being done these days is in black music.  In fact, I'm desperately figuring out how to adapt the new songs I'm recording to incorporate more of these influences, and less of the rock elements, which is so tired to me.  But like you, there's the feeling that I can only escape my "whiteness" so much, which if you're like me, is proving frustrating.

In other news, what happened with the NIC DVD?

Z

Dear zeke,
Dude you are sooooo right! black music is just killing me right now... knocking me out. its so creative and has it all going on... so refreshing as an artist no? and rock bands... God I hope I never have to make another plain old rock/pop album again... yes its hard my brother....

I used to look at Justin Timberlake like... well, like all white rock guys look at him probably... but after I bought his album... I dug it... I just really got it... and really understood where he is trying to come from... he's doing it pretty well.. he's got a good team of the best black people behind him and really I think that's what we would need... because you know, white men can’t jump....

In NIC news... there are several remix guys that want to try doing some remixes up here... but Fred says he cannot get the master DVD to operate properly. so I am trying to get him to send it to you to fix... but he is a fucking STONER. You may never get it. I hate stoners...

Went to central park to meet Jim the filmmaker about the video he wants to shoot for somebody killed the DJ. Cool art exhibit in the park by christo, the gates.

I am still sick. Worse today. I have decided that I do not like being sick as much as I thought I did. Tonight is the Grammy party here in New York but I am so sick that I am not even looking forward to attending. I can’t even move. 

Last screening: And now a movie called Kandahar about Afghanistan women and how they are treated. They have to wear these hooded tents over their whole bodies all the time. they have no identities as people. they are treated as non-people. they are called black heads since they completely covered up. it is horribly sad and confusing from a western perspective.

This is the most disturbing and upsetting movie I have ever seen. but one of the best. it is a true story. I find myself sad and horrified and frightened that this is real.... I didn't realize it was so fucked up over there. I am becoming obsessed with the Middle East... I do not understand the world we live in. how we can have it so good over here and there can be other parts of the world that are so behind and so filled with pain and sorrow. I do not understand how corporate America and other euopean countries can have so much money and spend so much money on so many frivolous things and there are millions of people who do not have enough clean water to drink or food to eat or the red cross doesn’t even have enough money to give everyone replacement arms and legs for people who got them blown off by land mines. Can you even imagine this shit exists? no. not here in the United States you can’t... we are just far removed from what's happening in other parts of the world...

Went to a club to see Jim Camacho perform... brilliant. he is on fire. He is totally THERE. I will try hard to get him further in his career. he deserves it.

Because I'm sick I went home early and lied in bed to watch DVDs. First was an Iranian movie called Maryam. Reminded me so much of how fearful we are when we hear the word Iran as Americans... this movie took place in 1979 when they took the hostages... if they didn't hate us enough back then, we then supported Iraq in their war with Iran, so now they hate us even more... I have spent many hours studying the history of Iran and Persian to gain a better understanding of this foreign world.

Princess Little Tree and I have been talking about going over there to visit. But I do not believe now would be a good time with everything going on now. Iran is in the news everyday again now. they want to build heavy nuclear water plants and other nuclear programs and the US says no... after studying the situation I understand the stance that America is taking... but I also understand the position of the Iranians as well... who wants to be told that you cannot do something that you want to do by someone bigger than you who has nothing to do with you? no one.  But on the other side of the token again, it is said that they are the largest supporter of international terrorism... terrorism is part of their religion... here in America we are told that it is not by the American muslims, but if you study it you see clearly whether or not it is officially on the books or not, certain forms of terrorism – a religious right to kill to defend their religious beliefs --- is certainly something that is taught to them from the day they are born... so at best it’s a confusing situation... hard to see the path of light. As for me, as fascinated as I am about the country and culture and the language, things will need to improve before I go.

Dasher still trying to get me to hone in on the show, make it more cohesive, a stronger, bolder, more singular statement....more filming, more shooting, more editing, just to film a fucking pilot... almost fifty hours of film now scattered about the office desks... and I just keep going all over the place with it. now I am working with this idea for the apple ipod to get it right into the TV cameras and my ears at the same time... a brilliant idea.. totally revolutionary... and he's like, ‘what? you want to do what? add music during filming? instead of in post? What are you fucking crazy? Fishy we don't do it like that bro.’ ‘yeah I know, but what if we did?’ and I flash him this smile...

‘Too Picasso.... you're just too fucking Picasso man... That should be the title of the documentary about what it is like to work with you Fishy,’ Dasher tells me. ‘you're just all over the place... too abstract. you have to hone in man, just hear me on this... you can’t go interview people about health care problems and hear all these fucked up stories for instance and then head out into the street with your ipod and be dancing around ten minutes later to a Jay z song. people are going to think you are a bastard and its going to totally minimize the impact of what we’re going for in the story...’

‘bro I hear you. o.k.? I really do. But check it man. Life is sad. I'll give you that. life is always going to be sad. God knows that's part of what we’re doing here with the show is showing how fucked up everything is... but bro... that's just life. life is always sad. No matter what. all the time all of us know someone in our life who is going through something fucked up and sad... but man life is good too... at the same time... you know?’

‘O.k...’

‘Yeah man, and like with music.... music is there for us no matter what. good or bad... even during the sad times... so o.k. so lets say I do the interview with the freedom fighters in Chechnya... and they're all fucked up because the media is inappropriately labeling them terrorists and blah blah blah and its really sad that Russia has killed all their fucking men in their whole country and all that's left now is young kids and women.. and sure that's fucking sad as hell man.. and I'm feeling that sadness... I mean, bro you know me... I'm feeling that pain...’

‘I know you are. That's what I'm saying... you're there... and I love that. and I think people are going to see that Fishy....’

‘o.k. but dig what I'm saying.... o.k. so then... on the plane coming back home, some girl and I are digging each other right? and I want to film us dancing to some awesome music and just let it out... you know man.. that's life.... or maybe we get it on in the bathroom at thirty-thousand feet and I want to film that and put it in the show... that would be cool man...’

‘No Fishy that would not be cool. that's why I mean... it won't work man... it would just never work...  people do not think like that... they need something solid. They want one statement... they don't want ten statements... maybe you do... and I respect that man. You're an artist... I understand that... I do, but its not going to sell. And we’re going to bomb bro. and I am too young to bomb. You're going to have to trust me on this.... I respect you, but you're going to have to trust me on this...’

I'm sick now. have a cold. I love having colds. I love sneezing. I love blowing my nose. I love the whole art of having a cold. Its never unwelcomed...

Current spin: Al Green – I'm still in love with you. this is the original album, the masterpiece. One of them. Just great. Perfect. so singular in what it attempts. Pulls it off perfectly. digging into all of the old original Al green releases. A master in his time. He and Marvin and Curtis and Sly and Ray and James. And then Prince sashayed in. So forget about it. He just blew the doors off of place.

An amazing day and night. no I take that back. a good day and an interesting evening. a new friend of mine is a singer in the metropolitan opera here in New York and invited me to the Players Club to see if I wanted to become a member. A private club for actors, singers, writers, playwrights, etc. started in the late eighteen hundreds by Edwin Booth (yes the brother of John wilks) but at the time the most famous actor in America. Since that time everyone from sarah bernhardt to mark twain to Gregory peck to Richard Burton to sir Lawrence Olivier and on and on have been members.... a glorious mansion in gramercy park. Grand fireplaces and marble everywhere and big luxurious leather couches.... Absolutely beautiful and completely literary. A real intellectual sanctuary. Was an honor. Read the history of this landmark institution here: http://www.theplayersnyc.org/default.aspx?c=4 Fascinating stuff.

Later while waiting for the subway who should walk in but the Italian stallion herself. Now because we still don't quite click all the way, don't know how long this is going to last, but we still have this kind of fondness for one another, it was a rather strange but welcomed event. I mean we had no choice, we had to speak. There we were standing right in front of each other face to face. Who would think it. 18 million people in this city, both of us moved up from Miami, and there we are... what is the message? I don't know. crazy.

The thing that struck me was how easy it is for me still to just stare at her and still feel the same love/fondness I always did for her. I have a feeling that her once ardent feelings for me have long since vanished. Or at least she certainly plays a good game of it. but I'll tell you, for me its half and half. half of me just really likes her as a person, wants to befriend her and take care of her and look out for her like we would with any of our good friends. But I still cannot help but get this sinking feeling inside when I look at her and am speaking with her... what is that? and the question is: do we ever lose that for people that we once loved? I know we do. I know it firsthand. But why not with her? I'm not saying I want to go out with her again or anything... but what I feel is that I may just never be able to be friends with her because of this obviously dangerous attraction... strange.

Have to make more time for living and doing and less time for writing. period. This writing is too much... so good night.

Today one of the camera ops on the show broke down to me and told me this inspiring and beautiful story of how he believes that God led him to the church he is now a member of. And how he feels that God led him and is leading him to work with us on this show of ours. it was a wonderful story and very uplifting. You see, God, whether true or not, is still a very real force in peoples lives. And that may be enough.

I made a note to add a segment to the show about how God works in peoples’ lives. This is a fascinating idea. one to explore more. that's for sure.

In New York. you are in a constant state of awareness of the possible threat of terrorism. It is not something that is necessarily conscious, but more just a frame of mind that you are always thinking in. a filter you see all of life through when you live here...

When I get on a subway for instance one of the first things I do is look around for possible terrorists. I know it sounds crazy but you just find yourself thinking that way. counting the women in order to get them into the back if something should happen.... analyzing the men to see who is big and strong and who would be a good ally if you need to fight off some crazy fuck with a gun or a bomb... its crazy like that. But you cannot help but think about it almost every time you get in a subway.

Today I pondered the idea of why we immediately think to ourselves ‘o.k. lets save the women...’ is it just habit? Or is there something to it? after a few minutes I realized that it is entirely necessary and a true instinctive survival mechanism in us. if we save ten men and one woman in a terrorist attack on a subway, we are fucked. Only that one woman can have children to further propagate our species, or in this case, our people, American people. but if we save ten women and one man, that one man can impregnate all ten women and would probably have a jolly good time doing it. so there it is. that's why its ‘women and children first.’ In a nutshell. the instinct is built into our genes...

Bomb goes off in Spain. It is by a group of ETA/Basque loyalists... CNN says:
“ ETA stands for Euskadi ta Askatasuna, which in the Basque language of Euskara means Basque Homeland and Freedom.
Designated a terrorist group by the United States and the European Union, the group has been blamed for more than 800 deaths since 1968. Around 400 ETA members are in prison.
About 2.5 million Basques live in the Pyrenees mountain region along the border between Spain and France -- where their ancestors have lived for 5,000 years.
Another half million live in France. Separatists want to establish a homeland encompassing the three provinces Spain officially recognizes as Basque plus another Spanish province, Navarra, and part of southern France. “
So the question of course is ‘hey, why not just give them their land and their own country as they wish? Chances are if we look into it, now that we are used to the scenario and how these things usually played out, I bet the Basques were probably the native peoples of these territories before the Spaniards were... and now they just want their land back. we know the drill. Hold no. I'll go online and check it out real quick. Standby...

Clock ticking...

O.k. I'm back. took me a while. had to read the entire history of Spain up to the Visigoth invasion, and then do a re-search... finally found the history of the Basques themselves. Just as I suspected. Native/indigenous peoples who want their own land, country, independence, and government ever since it was taken away from them by Spanish tyrant Franco in the thirties. And Spain still refuses to give it back to them. So there it is. now they fight the only way they know how. Terrorist tactics to win their freedom and independence...  no different than what we did when we wanted our independence from England.

I'll tell ya, I'm beginning more and more to understand what seems to be very clear probably to world leaders who try to keep it all hush-hush. a simple pattern.... when you hear the word “terrorists” it is probably being used by rich and powerful imperialist governments to describe smaller weaker native or indigenous peoples who are trying to win their country and land back from those same larger richer more powerful governments. The word terrorist, one gathers, is a euphemism for “those pesky natives who want us to give back what we stole from them...”

Also from CNN:
The Devil says: Iran must halt nuclear program

Take a look at the scary picture of the scary lady and the scary headline. Disturbing for sure.... there's this really creepy look of evil there. I don't know if she was just trying to look scary, or the photographers and editors just tried to choose a really scary photo to scare the Iranians, but boy oh boy... Its actually frightening, gives you the shivers this particular picture does, even more so in light of who she is, what she's now doing, and the fact that when the man named George w bush was re-elected, or rather, elected for the first time as president of the United States, his entire cabinet immediately resigned, except for this woman. and now she is running around doing his dirty work. read below:

“U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said today that Iran must live up to its international obligations to halt its nuclear program or the next steps are in the offing. "And I think everybody understands what the 'next steps' mean," Rice told reporters after a meeting with NATO foreign ministers and European Union officials. In his state of the union address, President Bush singled out Iran as "the world's primary state sponsor of terror -- pursuing nuclear weapons."

Now one assumes what she means by “and I think everybody understands what the next steps mean” is that we are about to invade Iran if they don't do whatever we say... its pretty weird living here now. very weird. you don't wake up uncomfortable necessarily, but by the time you’ve had your morning cup of coffee and read the news for five minutes, you start becoming quite uncomfortable indeed because you begin to understand that our country is really going through a bad time right now with this administration. It is as if we have been taken over by this evil force of nature and we just can’t get things back. these people are just going to go all fucking nutso now, you can tell. Thank God for Colin Powel that he quit when he did. Good for him. I think rice is going to end up one of the most hated politicians in the world by the time this is over.

Went to Abyssinian Baptist church in Harlem again today. The more I go to Harlem the more I like it. just so struck by the study of the history of slavery and the African American people... at one point the preacher said “You don't have to be black... maybe you're white and you're with us in solidarity and you understand our cause...” So I went into this back room and became a member. Sat down and they laid it out on the table for me. strange feeling. For me its more about the community obviously and the connection I feel with the black people at this point in my life. I never felt a need to become a member of any church before I have to be honest. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not even much of a believer in Jesus let alone God.... I love the idea of both of them, you know... great ideas... but I enjoy going to their church for the power of the human spirit that is present in the church. The power of the gospel singing. And the power of the reverend Calvin Butts. And because Abyssinian is such a world-wide famous church they have lines going around the block for miles to get in there. people visiting nyc from every country in the world are waiting in that line for hours just to get in so they could see this famous church and hear the preaching of reverend Butts. I figured if I was going to start going there now and then, I may as well become a member to avoid those lines...

The problem of course is that they want you to attend these bible study classes and then get baptized in the name of Jesus in order to become a full-fledged member. Now because I honestly feel that the bible should be put away and not looked at for a few thousand years, and that real salvation comes from humankind, from our own spirit, and not from any God... well, I don't know if I really belong in those classes; nor do I believe that it would be an entirely honest gesture on my part if I got baptized a Christian at this point. After all, I was already baptized a Christian when I was a kid, and have worked very hard to liberate myself from those shackles as a young man. But for the life of me, I just wish that someone would create a church as inspiring and powerful and exciting and lively and meaningful as Abyssinian without the need to have it be about god. someplace where we could go to worship humankind and exult together about how wonderful we are and how good it is to be a good person... and even to pray... although I'm not sure how we should pray or who we should pray to... those are the minor details... but yes a church for humans who want to worship humans... that's what we need.

For me it was an important step. Just for where I am now in regards to the black people, in my love for them and my respect for them and my admiration of them. And I do love the sense of community that attending the occasional church service affords the spirit. There's nothing like it. I swear to God they were looking me up and down like I was an alien from another planet. This long haired pale faced white kid dressed in black standing there shaking their hands and thanking them for welcoming me into the flock... they must have thought I was crazy. and who knows, perhaps I am.

The NYU student – I feel close enough to her now to call her by her name, shall we call her Asyra -- is still ‘shadowing’ me for her article and went with me to the church. When I told her I was downstairs becoming a member she asked me, ‘I thought you didn't believe in religions...’ ‘I don't.’ ‘I thought you weren't into the whole God concept...’ ‘I'm not. At least not literally, not logically. Perhaps metaphorically... it is a wonderful idea... I mean, in my heart I want to believe in a God. who doesn’t? what a nice idea. what a grand idea. it’s very comforting, isn't it? That's for sure. It would be a great way to end a movie. That's for sure. God coming out and all and finally revealing himself to us... I would love if God finally came out from hiding and turned out to be this really hot babe and just totally blew everyone's minds... you know...’

Last night I dreamed that the TV show got picked up. this was a good dream.

Experimenting with two different brain food nutrients, Bacopa, and also Vinpocetine the last few days. I know I said no more smart pills, but I couldn’t help it. had been a while. I had spent a lot of time studying these two nutrients the last few weeks and couldn’t resist.

I found that the Bacopa made me calm but wired at the same time. I was very focused and was able to work straight for about six hours without stopping. Focus and concentration were clearer. Less multi-tasking. More aware of the tendency towards distraction and multi-tasking, which I think is a real time waster. You end up getting ten things started and no things actually completed. With this nutrient, I found that I was better able to stop this and stay clear and focused on what I was doing in each moment. but I did find it very hard to sleep last night. a slight agitation till at least 1 or 2 am. I will report more on the vinpocetine as the day progresses. Just had one so far.

Have decided to start experimenting with new exercise techniques that I have gathered from a few new theories that the last few years have been bubbling under the surface, new theories on exercise physiology that propose that long continuous repetitive exercise such as aerobic or cardio or multi-reps are not as good at fat burning or muscle building or strength building as originally thought. But that instead that this may cause the body to slow down the fat burning and strength building processes. There are two totally different camps with two totally different theories on this that are both saying very similar things. One is a doctor and one is a group of exercise physiologists. But both are discovering such similar data that I believe that they may be onto something that will revolutionize how we look at exercise and human fitness. The short story is this: to build strength and muscle and burn fat faster, do short duration very heavy load maximum capacity exercises and then rest and then do it again and then rest. And that's it. no more tread mill or running machine for a half hour, and no more ten to twelve reps of numerous exercises for one muscle group. just short bursts of max capacity full out assaults and then rest. No more fifteen to twenty minutes in a day and that's it. I will try this for a few weeks and check it out. experiment a bit with different approaches and see what happens.

Notice that because I am learning French presently that I hear French being spoken all around me a lot more frequently. That phenomenon similar to when you learn a new word that you’ve never heard before and then all of a sudden you hear it three times in a week. like ‘where the fuck did that word come from? did everyone just learn it yesterday?’

Today I was walking to the park and this guy approached me all hunched over with a cane and a big suitcase. He looked terribly sick and withered away. he had all these medical papers with him and kept trying to show them to me. he said he was trying to get to the UN youth hostile on 48th and needed a cab because it hurt him to walk and money to stay the night because he got kicked out of the hospital today. there he was just roaming the streets almost crying.... said he had aids and hepatitis. I told him it was alright and to cheer up.... My heart was in agony over his disposition and I hailed him a cab. I emptied my pocket and only had twelve dollars. Enough for the cab with maybe five bucks left over. So I gave him all of it. I walked away and realized that I was now officially trapped. That was all I had and all I will have till God knows when. I helped him put his suitcase in the trunk and patted his back. “feel good old man.” As I walked away I just started crying... I don't know if I was crying because I realized that I was now completely broke or because of his horrible situation... but I couldn’t help crying. I just can’t believe what people go through everyday all around us. the pain and misery in the world is unbearable sometimes.

Slavery in America

Check it:
From CNN.com.
“A Florida couple accused of torturing and starving five children in their care were captured Friday night in Utah, a spokeswoman for the Citrus County, Florida, Sheriff's Department said. They are accused of using a cattle prod or some sort of stun gun to shock the children, securing them to spots in the house with chains, striking their feet with hammers and pulling the children's toenails out with pliers...”

As if it needed to get worse in the world, here appear these assholes into our lives. I was so disgusted by this I had to stop reading. I hate CNN. I hate the fucking news. As if the world needs more pain. couldn’t imagine. Just couldn’t imagine. We need to send out some real positive energy, prayer if you will, to these children, and to these poor sick people. thoughts of forgiveness and goodness and kindness and ‘its alrightness.’ I can only imagine the hell these kids were living... life is fucked up sometimes.

I'm not much into revenge. In all honesty I come into situations like this with a real open heart towards the victims and the victimizers both. Understanding that there are plenty of people in the world who don't look at things like that, so these two monsters are going to end up with more hate and violence aimed at them than they will be able to bear; because most people still come at life with an eye for eye mentality. Many people are still like this amongst us. not understanding some of the most basic of universal laws. Not understanding our evolutionary path yet. not understanding the profundity of rehabilitation and forgiveness and unconditional love and compassion. Not understanding that like creates like creates like. So they perpetuate what they disdain and punish through their own actions without ever being aware of it. And life goes on. And the few of us who sit silently watching it all like flower prints on wallpaper laughing and crying in convulsive bursts of emotion and horror at the pure absurd beauty that it is to be human in today's world, where the wicked and the cruel and the unjust and unholy are both wrong and right, the determination depending only upon who has the most money and who calls the shots.

Broker than I've been in years. just broke. In the last two years I have spent more money on old and new businesses of mine alike than I have made. About ten times more. Infinito asks me today, ‘what happened to all the money from selling your house. you must have banked on that in that neighborhood.’ ‘Gone man. I've loaned five companies over three-hundred thousand dollars in the last two years -- probably more, just cause I'm not thinking about it right now – and now I am pretty much totally effing broke. bro if one of them doesn’t pick up and take off then I'm back to square one. back to where I was in college’ ‘how do you sleeeeeeep?’ he asks me. ‘well, dude, honestly, I haven't slept well in about two years now. I wake up at the crack of dawn with stress running through my mind and body like lightening sometimes. My thoughts going a million miles an hour.... its crazy.’ ‘well hey, that's the ambassador, that entrepreneur spirit... yepper.’ ‘yeah dude. I know. I'm into being what I am. Doing what I do. I had a choice. its not like I didn't have a choice. I just really believe in what I'm doing. All the different projects. So I wake up early. psyche myself up. I kick ass. I stay pumped up.’ ‘Yeeeeaaaahhh. The ambassador makes it happen. that's the spirit that got you to the place where you had three hundred thousand dollars to invest in your own companies in the first place...’ ‘yep. You said it bro.’

Last screening: The history of American slavery, PBS special. volume 1 on DVD. O.k. check it. I am exhausted. It is 2am. I woke up from a dead sleep during this thing playing in the background to make some quick notes. I will be brief to allow myself the release so I can get back to sleep:

-  Thomas Jefferson penned the famous words, ‘we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal... etc...’ but by the time he wrote these words -- the document itself is brilliant – and he was a mere 33 years at the time -- slavery was in full effect in America. By 1790 1 in 5 Americans were slaves. it’s true. 1 in 5 Americans were enslaved, were owned by other men. Jefferson himself was one of the richest slave owners in the colonies, owning over two hundred human beings at the time as his own personal property to do with as he pleased. He later secretly wrote a friend ‘if almighty God is just, we will pay dearly for this.’ So he knew all along that what they were doing was wrong... Slavery was not the law of the land in America for the first hundred and fifty years. People don't realize that. we are taught, I assume to make the bitter pill go down easier, that slavery was always around, that we as Americans just played a game that was already being played. This is not true though. It was one of our many American myths. In fact it was against the law in England already for one man to own another; but it slowly and craftily turned into what is known as ‘the terrible transformation’ over a period of many years through the hands of the colonists in America.
- Black men did not start out as slaves in America. They were equal. Many owned land and lived next door to white men as planters and farmers and regular folk just like you and me. It wasn't until the mid sixteen hundreds that it started. By the mid seventeen hundreds the American white man had created, or recreated rather, something that was by this time entirely outlawed in Europe and England, the enslavement of one man by another. You could have servants but not slaves. But slowly, a sickness grew in humankind and slavery became something that was not only conceivable again but turned into law in America. They actually started writing laws to create slavery, to assure that if you were born black you had no rights and you were not human. These were called the Negro laws. This was right here in our hometowns all across America. Virginia, Georgia, South Carolina, New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, all thirteen colonies. By the mere color of ones skin you were considered born a slave for life and so were their children and their children’s children. 
- Now in fairness to the Americans (can we call them Americans? Can we call ourselves Americans? I'd say we call them “the insurgents” since that has become such a popular term these days... and by definition of course... Different story...) once they decided to go for it one hundred percent, the Dutch, the English, the Spanish, the Portuguese, and even the Africans started following suit and participating in the slave trade with the colonies just like the insurgents calling themselves Americans were doing. Everyone started seeing how much money could be made from forcing other people to work for you for free. But the thing is that countries England couldn’t handle it. say they were more evolved than the barbarians in America were, or perhaps just kinder gentler people, but by the seventeen-seventies they outlawed slavery once again. America on the other hand kept it going for another hundred years and even considered the defense of their to slavery one of principle reasons they were fighting for their own liberty from England. (Twisted, I know. fighting to defend their liberty to deny the liberty of others. But this is the foundation of American independence. And it wasn't as if this observation went un-noticed. Everyone understood the inherent contradiction in the America’s fight for liberty in light of their slave system. it was often spoken and written about.) Again, we are never told this. its never spoken about.    
- America during the slave years which lasted some two hundred and fifty years was no different if not worse for the sheer length that it was encouraged than Hitler’s Germany; but many many years longer and equally tortuous. I find it fascinating that the subject is treated so light-footed in our schools when we are young Americans. And yet how horrendous the Hitler Germany years are portrayed when the very foundation for the treatment of Jews right down to the laws were incredibly analogous to America during the slave years. blacks were not citizens. Blacks had no rights. Blacks could not own property. Blacks could not have money nor earn money. Blacks could not be paid. blacks could not be seen in public without being attended by their owners. Blacks would work for free till they died. It was cheaper to work a black person to death and import another than to keep one alive. Blacks were put in ships to import and export, in the lower decks all chained together, sitting upright in each others legs. They were naked and were forced to sit in each other’s feces and urine for two to four months straight. Occasionally they hosed off. If they died, which they did by the thousands on those ships, it did not matter except how it effected the bottom line. They were not allowed to take their own life by trying to jump overboard. It was considered an injustice and they were to be shot before they landed in the water so they would die by the white mans hands rather than by their own. blacks had no rights to have families of their own. they could be separated from their spouses and children at the will of their owners. it was legal to kill a black person if you wanted to. blacks were hung in public. Blacks were whipped in public. Blacks were mutilated if they disobeyed. Men would have their testicles cut off or a leg removed if they attempted to escape. Women would have an ear cut off. Blacks were burned at the stake in public for all to see. They called them negro bonfires... sounds familiar.
- As horrific as burning Jews in ovens sounds to us, in the broader picture one sees that its just a more advanced form of burning black people at the stake; America had perfected this barbarous atrocity years before; the Germans took it to the next level. Either way, you're talking about the worst that humanity has to offer.
- as a quick aside, there are some people who refuse to acknowledge the similar nature between the black-American-holocaust and the European-Jew-holocaust, as if one was any worse than the other, citing that the Germans were intentionally attempting mass genocide on millions of Jews, while the Americans were just torturing and murdering millions of blacks while they worked them to death...  I'm just too fucking tired to argue with these idiots. Let’s move on. 
- So on and on it went in America for two hundred years but we are taught things so different than this here in our young idealistic America. As a boy I never heard of such things in school. Never do I ever remember learning about these atrocities. I only heard about how great the “founding fathers” were. They never taught us that these same men were evil murderers and torturers similar to the likes of Hitler or Stalin... they never spoke of how wicked America was for so many years... only how great it was... I must question this. we all must question this. what is the reason for this? why are we taught the famous ‘I cannot tell a lie father, I did cut down that cherry tree’ story (which turns out is a fucking lie) but we are not taught the whole story, the real story, of who George Washington was and the fact that all of these men owned tortured mutilated enslaved and murdered other men so they could make money from them? Because I have a photographic memory, I remember the day that our teacher told us the ‘I cannot tell a lie story.’ I remember what I was wearing, what the teacher was wearing, and I still remember many of the names of the other kids in that particular class. I would be lying myself if I pretended that I wasn't angered by the understanding now that that fucking bitch was lying to me and all those other kids; that we were just being manipulated and brainwashed like all the other countries around the world. I'll tell you what occurs to me, day in and day out... what isn't a fucking lie in this country? is there anything that we were told that is true? or is it all just a big fucking scam, no different than what they tell us the Iraqis or Iranians or Palestinians experience growing up in their countries. Is there any fucking truth in America or in American history?
- in honor of George Washington he himself in his will mandated that all his over-100 slaves get set free upon the death of his wife. She set them free before her death because she was afraid for her life. by the time of his death, before even, he understood that what they were doing was wrong and against the very foundation of the republic that they were creating. Good for him.  
- the idea of the black or African holocaust is not something that is discussed in American schools or in American history... the idea of the black-or-African-holocaust is not even an idea yet. if it is, then it is an idea kept silent. And yet it should be. it should be.
- I wonder why there are not more slavery memorials in America... it seems that there is a new Jewish-holocaust memorial going up every year... this occurred to me many times while watching the show. Where are the slavery or freedom memorials for the black people who were beaten and whipped and tortured and raped and murdered during these years here? what is really going on here... I do not know, nor do I dare to conjecture.
- it was said that it is an enigma that through slavery mankind could sacrifice his very heart and soul for the sake of money... deliberately turning against what he knew to be right in order to profit... this is the puzzle of man. Myself, I will never get it.
- that by enslaving we became enslaved ourselves. Knowingly bringing bitter enemies into our very homes in order to profit. The slave owners became slaves themselves in their own homes unwittingly. Living constantly in fear and trepidation. But for the money...
- we have done away with slavery in America. Just as England and Europe had done away with slavery before America brought it back. I am proud of this. we all should be. I just wonder what took so long. I wonder if mankind will ever succumb to this sickness again in our future history? I wonder if the black man is born angry and we the white man just do not see it. I would be angry if I were born black. I would secretly hate the whites.
- I wonder why there is not an institution of obligated reparation in America for all people born black to attempt to pay them back... for so many years of enslavement. Is simply saying your sorry enough? Why do we need a united negro college fund? Why not just give them all free college or something for a few hundred years? I know all about the theory that that idea would be in itself racist to a degree... but I wonder if it wouldn’t also be appropriate. To settle the score.
- surely no one is so blind that they do not see that the remnants of our slavery past are still all around us. in every city in America. On every street corner and in boxes sleeping in the freezing cold on the steps of every church. And in our prisons. Surely they are enslaved no longer by law or by shackle but in mind and spirit they are still imprisoned by a system that seems still almost ingrained in all of us. what can be done about this? will it take another two hundred and fifty years for this illness to heal... by nature alone? Is there anything that we can do as a community, as a country, to quicken the course?  
- I do not agree with the phrase African American. I am not called English Italian American. Black is black and white is white I guess. If one is from Jamaica or Bahamas or Barbados then they are surely not African American, but simply black or white. This term makes no sense anymore here. I wish we didn't have to call ourselves anything.

I will quote a very old and famous slave song. A beautiful song. A haunting song:

“Your country, how can it be yours? Before the pilgrims landed. We were here.”

It is a simple song. The same verse repeated over and over and over again...

“Your country? how can it be yours? Before the pilgrims landed. We were here.”

On Sunday I will go to the Abyssinian Baptist church in Harlem again; not because I am a believer in Jesus as God, but because I am a believer in the spirit of man and I believe that the great spirit of man is expressed no more exuberantly, no purer, and no more divinely than in black American churches. But this Sunday, after learning what I have learned tonight I will look at the members of the church differently. I will wonder if they look at me differently seeing that I am white. I will feel appropriately most honored that they allow me to worship with them. I will pay them no disrespect by dissembling my own personal belief that we are there to worship humanity, ourselves, and not a God, just as I do not hide this fact from white people.

Perhaps one day the God bug will get under my skin, and I will welcome it if it comes honestly. But for now I am content to believe in and worship mankind in all of our glory, rather than a God who has never shown his face or the slightest concern for our troubles and woes since we have known of our own existence. A God such as this we surely do not need if he were to exist. We would do ourselves and future generations quite well if we were to do away with the God concept entirely and begin instead to truly worship and divinely respect ourselves and all that we are; and to sing praises and shout many hallelujahs for how far we have come all on our own in spite of our unanswered longing for help from the outside. There is no better place on earth to do this than in a black American church.

Hey, You should have seen MY APARTMENT before this weekend. I hadn't done the dishes since that lady in October!!! I left them in the sink over Christmas!!! Holy cow that place smelled awesome!!! and then I decided I would start throwing the garbage on the kitchen floor so I wouldn’t have to worry about changing the garbage bags so the kitchen had like two feet of garbage covering the entire floor. I would just go in there and wade through this big pile of garbage to get to the fridge. My landlord came over once to loan me a space heater and he couldn’t walk in the kitchen because of all the garbage and he didn't know what to say to me. he just stared at me standing there at the entrance of the kitchen with all this garbage piled up to his knees... it was fucking hilarious!!!

All clean now though... living like that for a while was fun. I must admit. felt like college again. but living clean is a good thing too.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today in America than
on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

And:

The U.S. government has pledged $350 million in aid for tsunami victims. That may seem like a lot until you realize it spends that much every two days to finance its war in Iraq.

And:
Just when you think it's not possible for someone to be any more evil....
The dangers of aspartame and Donald Rumsfeld
http://www.rense.com/general33/legal.htm

I know this report from years ago. It basically is just the historical timeline of the chemical known as aspartame or NutraSweet which is a poisonous chemical found in artificial sweeteners that some in the “unknowing masses” contingent use as a sugar substitute. As most people know, aspartame is poison. In thirty years of testing it has always proved to cause brain tumors and seizures, but there it is right on our grocery shelves. what a lot of people don't know is that in 1985 at the time the fda banned aspartame from ever being able to be consumed by humans because it was poison, the company president was Donald Rumsfeld, now the American secretary of defense. At this time he was the president of GD serle, the company that was trying to push this baby onto the unsuspecting market. And when they said no, he said he would “call in his markers” (use his political influence) to get it pushed through... which he did. Read the whole story above: Health advocates fought hard against aspartame in the mid-nineties. But still couldn’t save the public. Same thing now with the whole ‘milk it does a body good’ since everyone knows that milk is dangerous stuff. we all drink it. as little as possible of course, but still you have to be a moron not to know by now that milk is total fucking poison to the human body. (I know what you're thinking... I like milk too. but mainly now just in my coffee.. I use soy milk or rice milk in my cereal. I'm just too freaked out by the studies of how bad milk is for us, but man I love cream in my coffee)