Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I am glad you asked me about Karen. I am often asked for referrals for astrological chart readers and the like, (perhaps the nature of the industry I am in? Or the circles I tend to travel in?) and even more often asked my general opinion of the whole paradigm, as if one persons opinion whether positive or negative might confirm their own ideas concerning the matter. Which is of course, what we do.... though it really doesn’t do much in the end but usually give them more evidence to support a belief that they themselves already hold.
But nonetheless, I am more than happy to refer you to Ms. Pavlus because I believe she is very, very good, I think you have nothing to lose, much to gain, and I'm sure she doesn’t mind as long as I keep it to good friends.
When you call, let her know you were referred by Fishy. So she knows who you are and why you are calling her and how you got her information. She is very well-known but now semi-retired and only does one or two readings per week so she is going to wonder how you got her name and number. It may take a week or two to get an appointment but it is very much worth it.
From a testimonial perspective I can offer you this: approximating, throughout my life I have had at least one hundred or more “readings” with psychics, chi gong masters, tarot card readers, Vedic astrologers, Chinese astrologers, mystics, gurus, shamans, past life readers or regression therapists, clairvoyants, mediums, channelers, palm readers, akashic-records/soul readers, and astrologers. At the least a hundred or more. ESP, or “the sixth sense” is a subject that I have always been fascinated by since I was a young child. But I no longer believe that “astrology” in its pure form – as in reading one’s natal birth chart – falls into this category. I now see it more as a science altogether on its own.
I have had readings at one time or another with any and all of the “big names” and the most “famous names” from here to Timbuktu over the last twenty-five years. Since money was never an object, and at the most it was always just putting your name on a waiting list, I was always willing to wait, and as a diehard “seeker” I was determined to find and discover the absolute BEST of them out there. Not only was I interested in what they might have to say to me or teach me or what guidance they might hold for my own personal life, I also considered it all part of my ongoing research into the whole paradigm as a whole.
At the least it satisfied for me a deep yearning for the “truth” – if there is such a thing -- and a fascination to learn more about that whole world of “the sixth sense” as well; and at the same time I felt that at some point down the road I will be able to accumulate all of my different notes of all of these readings into book form and create a book that details some of the conclusions I have come to understand about this work. There is no need to go into all that here.
Suffice it to say that out of all the “astrology chart readers” that I have ever spoken to, Ms. Pavlus is by far one of the best in the world today. She is not psychic, nor does she claim to be. Which I actually like. (many of them claim to be) What this means is that she uses her 40+ years of experience and the skills she has gathered to simply be very good at “reading charts.” Which is a real science and takes years to master to be good. Especially when speaking to someone such as myself who already is very well-versed in my own Natal Chart and knows just about everything there is to know about it already.
So if someone isn't good, I can tell within the fist five minutes or so. And sometimes just due to how busy I am, I have been known to cut them off and say “Thank you. I think that answers my questions. Thank you so much for your time...” But I simply just don't have the time to waste if I can tell the person just isn't excellent at it. Ms. Pavlus is absolutely excellent at reading charts. She will never bullshit you. She will never tell you something just because she thinks “that's what you want to hear.” And she will never hold back on telling you something that may not be such good news. She just tells it like it is. Which is her job and if she really cares about the client, and about her own reputation which at this point is sterling, that is exactly what she should do.
Give her a call and tell her you have NEVER had a reading done before. So she will need to run a “natal chart” for you. You will need to give her the exact time you were born, the date, and the exact place. This means the chart of exactly what the stars and planets looked like when you were born so you can understand who you are better. This goes way beyond your “horoscope sign.” It is much much deeper.
And then ask her also to run what is called a “progressive chart” = that is what the stars and planets look like today and how they are affecting you, because remember – after all this time that has passed, everything has SLOWLY moved in the universe just a little so things look different now than they did back when we were born.
The natal chart tells you who you are, as you were born, tells you your strengths, which gives you strength and courage and confidence because it confirms what you intuitively know about your self already but maybe are just afraid to fully acknowledge... and the natal chart also tells you your weaknesses or your challenges – which is also very helpful because again it confirms for you negative aspects about yourself that you may be aware of but might be in denial of... so she can help you with tips on how to OVERCOME those challenges or weaknesses. And trust me, we ALL have both strengths and weaknesses when we are born.
But there is a term for this: It is called “evolved.” Such as a person if they have not yet “evolved their natal chart” will have “the tendency to be too self critical” perhaps. You see how perfect that is? In other words, you have the power to evolve OUT of the strengths and weaknesses you were born with... it is YOUR choice. A reading might say something like “This person if fully evolved out of the negative characteristics of their natal birth chart could be very powerful in the way of speaking the truth and bringing fairness and justice to all matters around them.” Or it might be something as simple as “If fully evolved, this person could be an excellent doctor, or very good working with children, or working in the field of engineering.”
I'm just making these examples up... but it is a very powerful way to self-discovery, and then to self-development, which then leads to self-empowerment. It is the foundation where you start from in order to really become a master of your universe and use the best of what you were born with, totally maximize your natural born gifts; and then to deliberately attempt to discreate, “release,” or just say “stop” to your negative attributes.
Hence – self-discovery, then development as you work on yourself, and then empowerment as you become more and more powerful – which really just means more “in tune with” or “in the flow of your real self” and more self-aware and more able to harness your true gifts, and then eventually total self-evolvement.” Meaning that you have fully “evolved out of your natal birth chart” and you are a fully living breathing Buddha walking the earth and deliberately making the world a better place for all. That is the goal.
Powerful stuff if you open up to it and use it. What I mean by open up to it is this: whether you are open to it or not – that will not change your chart, nor will it change your reading. But it could change how you act based on what you are told. If you just take it with a grain of salt and don't do much with it because you are skeptical, well I'm a great example of that. I took all the good stuff and let it boost my ego and felt great about it all, but I didn't take seriously the warnings of potential harmful things about to happen to me that were right there in my chart – as clear as light in the nighttime sky – because honestly I wasn't too sure how seriously to take the stuff. I didn't realize that “do this or DON'T do this RIGHT NOW” really meant that.
In other words, do exactly what they say because they are actually seeing something that is real in that chart. So I learned the hard way from not heeding the advice of a very famous and respected reader. I would be in a much different place in my life right now had I listened to her advice from my 2005 reading with Karen. But I didn't, and well, I learned the hard way.
In general, the beauty is that you don't actually have to do anything in the way of study or learning - other than work at transcending your weaknesses and maximizing your strengths and heeding warnings or taking advantage of potential big wins that they might see in your future. If you speak with a really good astrologer, someone who is older and has decades of experience reading charts and really approaches it from a scientific place (this woman is 64 so she has about 40 years of experience), then you don't need to study and learn all this stuff. It’s just not necessary, because truly it is an overwhelmingly complicated science and field of study and that isn't everyone’s thing – to learn about all these things... But this IS THIER specialty. This is what they do. And if they're good, they're usually damn good at it. And Karen Pavlus is one of the best I've ever spoken to.
If you really listen, and take some notes, and then listen to the tape that she sends to you afterwards a few times, you will start to open up to the realness of the things she is saying that you might intuitively feel are accurate appraisals of who you are. And then from there, what I did personally, and recommend to others is that you take a highlighter and highlight all of the things she points to that are “potentially negative characteristics” of your “self.” Or simply make a list of them. This takes self-awareness, self-honesty, courage, and integrity. It isn't easy to admit to ourselves or to anyone our weaknesses. Then use whatever tools you have at your disposal in order to try to rid yourself of these negative character flaws. That could mean telling yourself “from this point forward I will stay very vigilant and look for moments when I find myself doing X. Then I will acknowledge that I am doing it, catch myself doing it, and then deliberately stop doing it. In time, as with any habit, you will begin to notice that you no longer are prone to it.
Next, you do the same thing with all of the different “potentially positive aspects of self” that she points out to you. This will give you tons of information about all the different gifts you came into the world with and it will help you to capitalize and maximize all of your various positive attributes. And trust me, though some of us are born “luckier” than others, we all have plenty of positive characteristics that we are born with and if told in advance, then you can really use these to your full advantage and to the full advantage of those around you. You will in essence, by getting to know yourself better, by becoming more self-aware, notice that a lot of “self-questioning” begins to dissipate, because you now are very clearly aware of “who you are.” At least in “this lifetime.”
A note from “higher self:” From the Higher Self or from the “all that is” perspective, yes, I agree that clearly these strengths and weaknesses, these positive or negative attributes of “self” are not “us, meaning not “me” or “you” – for what are “we” in reality if not mere reflections of “all-that-isness” or “the Divine” in an “organic spacesuit” if you will. Granted. And touché for catching that.
So with that in mind, when we refer to “self” in any discussion, let us remind ourselves, or better put, let us just assume that it is most likely and most often from the earthly plane of consciousness, and therefore we are not referring to “the whole self” but rather, the “self” that we incarnated with in this particular lifetime that just happens to exude certain characteristics on a regular basis that define “us.” Hence “self.” But again, not our “real self” nor our “whole self” nor our “soul” or “spirit” but simply just our most basic “earthly self” that happens to walk around representing “us” in this “lifetime.”
When we look at it this way, it is easier number one, to be able to look at “ourselves” a bit more objectively, meaning from “higher self” mode – and therefore be able to really become more self-aware. And from there, what the end result can be is that we are able to minimize or completely eliminate our potential weaknesses or challenges, maximize or fully utilize our natural born personal powers and strengths, (again, of this current life that we find ourselves incarnated in, not our whole selves) and in the end transcend our Natal Birth Chart entirely. In essence what we are really saying by that statement is complete transcendence; or enlightenment. Transcending to that place we might call “pure awareness” or “higher self” or “Buddhahood” or “Buddha consciousness” or even “someone who is in touch at all times with “the divine” or “all-that-isness.”
At the end of the day, when asked, that is the answer for why one might want to call on the services of an expert astrologer or chart reader. It isn't “tell me my future” as much as “tell me what you see in my chart,” let me check with my intuition and let me see if any of it feels accurate to me, and thank you for the confirmation. Then begin your work of setting about to become the absolute best “person” you can be, and a side-effect of that is that by simply “being” you make the world a better place all around you.
What they call “the progressive chart” is more along the lines of “what is happening now or what may tend to happen in the coming year as the planets, stars, and moon, continue to slowly move and cycle. This can also reap huge rewards in pointing out certain potentialities that may affect us or exert an affect on our lives. This is where some of the real perceived magic of astrological chart reading comes into play because if the reader is good they will literally “see” other people in your chart that are actual people in your life at that time. As was the case in both the readings I had from Karen in the last three years. It was astounding to hear her point out very specifically real people in my life to a tee jut because she “saw them in the chart” and also to hear her describe to me real life events that I was experiencing in present time just because, again, she “sees them in the chart.”
From this experience one can learn if one is on a good path or a potentially dangerous one, and all of it of course should be checked by just going inside and checking your intuition to see if it rings true. It is hard to deny when a reader asks you “who is the Pisces woman you are in business with who is trying to harm you?’ when you are indeed in the middle of a legal battle with a Pisces woman that you were formally in business with. (which was the case in my first reading with her three years ago.) Or as was the case with my reading last week “In the last six months three different Virgos came into your life and you are all now working on a project together in either books or publishing. Is this true?” And of course, for me it was true, and I almost fell out of my chair because it is still just so damn shocking when they nail it so accurately. That's how good a “good” astrologer can be. And that is the potential power of having them do your “progressive chart” as well. To see where you are now and where you might be headed.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
This is from a recent piece of mail I received regarding a video I posted to YouTube concerning the Nappy Headed Ho incident about year ago - if you do a search for it, you can find which video he is referring to... not exactly a kind hearted sort of ambassador work of art. I will confess to that right now. It takes me a long time to get to all the mail. But every now and then one of them is
Dear khearne140, Excellent remarks. Thank you for writing. You make a lot of fantastic points. So many so that i would really like to post our dialog, if you don't mind continuing one, on my public blog - because i really believe we are at a crossroads right now in america - perhaps moreso than ever before. On the one hand you have people like me who are in the arts - so we are accustomed to and have been working with people from all different nationalities since we were teenagers playing music. We also have the so-called "liberals or lefties or hippies or revolutionary whites" that marched and protested right along side blacks for decades for civil rights and so now feel proud that they were part of something so revolutionary... i know some really incredible older people who are now in their sixties and seventies and eighties who were there on the front lines of those battles... and of course many athletes white or black are pretty intermixed here, and many younger kids - what they call the "millennium kids" have basically grown up in a very urban dominated society in regards to entertainment - with Tiger and Oprah and Michael Jordan and Jay Z being cultural icons. So they don't even see color because it is all mixing together in their young minds. We are finally becoming one people. After so many centuries of such total fucking bullshit.
Excellent remarks. Thank you for writing. You make a lot of fantastic points. So many so that i would really like to post our dialog, if you don't mind continuing one, on my public blog - because i really believe we are at a crossroads right now in america - perhaps moreso than ever before. On the one hand you have people like me who are in the arts - so we are accustomed to and have been working with people from all different nationalities since we were teenagers playing music. We also have the so-called "liberals or lefties or hippies or revolutionary whites" that marched and protested right along side blacks for decades for civil rights and so now feel proud that they were part of something so revolutionary... i know some really incredible older people who are now in their sixties and seventies and eighties who were there on the front lines of those battles... and of course many athletes white or black are pretty intermixed here, and many younger kids - what they call the "millennium kids" have basically grown up in a very urban dominated society in regards to entertainment - with Tiger and Oprah and Michael Jordan and Jay Z being cultural icons. So they don't even see color because it is all mixing together in their young minds. We are finally becoming one people. After so many centuries of such total fucking bullshit.
This is the reason why after all these years that most people with half a brain can clearly see that the best candidate for President of The United States in 2008 is Obama. Not because he's black, but
But then on the other side, we still have racism and bigotry happening in a big way on both sides. There is a lot of heat underneath all this camraderie. And my video that I posted showed some of that. I wasnt being racist. But i was being sarcastic and ironic a lot - because i did feel that Rev Al used that situation in a personal opportunistic way to help himself and didn't even care about the Rutgers girls. And like said, I used to smoke stogies with Big Al. We occasionally haunt the same
And like i said, dont let Chris Rock - who i think happens to be one of the smartest and funniest and insightful men out there right now come on televeision and insult black and white alike and then we turn around and attack Don Imus for those few words... and if Chris Rock would have said it "Boy them bitches are sure some nappy headed hoes!" we all would have been laughing our asses off. And you know it. Just typing it and picturing him say it makes me laugh. I love Chris. that was the point i was making.
Now the points that you are making are much deeper. Much much deeper than i went. and i think its important that they are out there. I don't know who you are, black or white, but you are educated and smart and you've brought up some things that I've never even thought about before. "black people didn't even have hoes till white Europeans introduced it to them..." wow. i mean, you got me. i mean, you got me in a lot of what you said.
It's tough because as an artist, we want to be able to
Perhaps another video to address the issues you bring up... I am also a big fan of Cornell West and Spike Lee who i see around town all the time. And I'm telling you, these men feel very strongly that we are still facing very strong racism and bigotry and unfair treatment to the black men of our society and i would tend to agree. I am sincerely hoping that once Obama is elected that that might change a little bit.
Alright enough of my ranting. Keep it coming if you got more. I'm open to your thoughts and to sharing them.
May 24th 2008
Here is another one that happened to catch my eye. Simple, but fascinatingly totally covered up information to most of us who live here in the US.
RE: Who Killed
Stay in good spirits my friend, and continue your research.
Thank you for your email. No, i have not as of yet come across these somber details. Just more sad covered up American bs. Thank you for shooting me the details and for your kind words. I will start digging deeper. I'll tell you what. we know JER didn't kill
May 14th, 2008 This one from Argentina. And I
This one from Argentina. And I
I'm from Argentina.
The Barbarian Rulebook was great. Really, really acid in a cool way. Hope Secret Service henchmen don't show up in your apartment and send you to Guantanamo!
I'm with you. Not only did I totally dig making the Barbarian Rulebook series, but I also sometimes worry about the same thing... I have no idea if people realize that my deadpan sarcasm is real or not.... Either way, thank you for writing and thank you for tuning in!
Now perhaps the most controversial of all of them is this recent barrage of comments that began based on one comment made by a young guy who just got back from Iraq. He served with a buddy of mine over there who got killed. A guy we all went to high school with. He was responding to the song I have up up on YouTube called White House Jihad. One of our favs. Something we are damn proud of, both artistically and lyrically. Frankly i don't know how we pulled it off. We are still sometimes pleasantly surprised when we go back and listen to the song and read the lyrics. Not only are we surprised that we wrote those lyrics, we're surprised we haven't been hung yet... lol.
But this person who commented became good friends with Stan when they were in Iraq together. And he posted a few nasty comments about the song etc... and frankly one gets used to that. You don't really even notice it after a while. But i watched the back and forth attacking as is the usual on youtube over comments for a few days and didnt say anything... it really isnt my place. some people like what you do. Some people don't. you can't change that. But what struck me is literally just what he said... i will let him speak for himself by pasting his comments below and you can always go check out all the hubbub... eventually i decided to personally respond. I figured i owed to him. After all, he watched Stan get blow up in truck. I just cannot imagine what that must have been like... So, in the end, though we totally stand behind the song and its lyrics, I decided to remove our friend's name from the details in the song description. Call it a gesture of diplomacy, or perhaps just out of respect for both of them.
"Hi there, Not sure what to call you, but perhaps "friend" since we both were once friends with Stan. This is Ed Hale. I don't get a chance to respond as often as i'd like to all the comments. But i wanted to personally just come on and say thank you for sharing with everyone. I have spent some time watching your own videos here on YouTube and find myself agreeing with a lot of the things you say. I am going to pull Stan's name off the details of the video. 4 u and 4 him."
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United State of Transcendence
I will wage love, not war
I will fight for what I believe in but I will harm no one
I will think and be peace
I will run wild through the streets celebrating the glory of being alive
I will lend a helping hand
Not only when it is convenient but when it is needed
I will not believe the hype
I will accept my divine right to accept my divine rights
I will glow in the dark and light up the sky
With a passion so bright that enlightens this knight
That I am and will continue to thrive to be even more with each passing day
I will reuse and recycle
Even when it is a pain in the ass
I will do my best to uphold the most noble of goals
Those of freedom beauty truth and love
I will fight the powers that be
I will start my own private revolution
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the Republic of Transcendence
I will respect no establishment unless I agree with its establishment
I will question authority
Especially my own
I will just say no to the new world order
I will promote causes and charities that I believe in
I will stand up for issues that I believe in
And if I get knocked down, I will stand up again
I will run naked through the streets reciting poetry and singing my favorite songs
For the sheer wreckless joy of wild abandonment that comes from being alive
I will eat ravenously but healthily
I will worship humanity
I will give when I can
And then give a little more
I will take only what is mine to take and nothing more
I will share when I can
And then share a little more
I will not feel guilty
I will not feel guilty when I do feel guilty
I will not go quietly into that good night
I will acknowledge and honor the God-like nature of myself and others
I will accept responsibility for everything that happens to me
I will fully expect others to do the same
I will stop giving away my power and the power of others to unseen forces
Imagined by the fearful minds of but a few
I will respect the differences of others around me
Even if it makes me feel uncomfortable at times
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United State of Transcendence
I will laugh often at my TV
Even when it is not turned on
I will mute the commercials
I will shun corporate bullshit
Refuse to suck the corporate cock
And blow the roof off the mutha every chance I get
I will help more people than Mother Theresa or at least die trying
I will not blame others when I create difficulty in my life
I will sing like Rufus
Shake like Elvis
And dance like Prince
I will accept the fact that I am a sexy bastard
I will see the beauty that is all around me
I will commit random acts of kindness
And will equally commit random acts of anarchy to disrupt the status quo
Recognizing that the status quo has never been that great to begin with
I will have lots of sex with beautiful women (or men) (or both)
I will stop pretending that I believe that Columbus discovered America
I will respect and defend women's right to choose
I will respect other people’s sexual preferences
No matter how much it may freak me out
I will give a big fuck you salute to those few among us
Who are still ignorant enough to be homophobic
I will demand the truth from our civil servants
Who mistakenly on occasion think they are politicians
I will demand that they remember and acknowledge that they work for me
I will demand that they remember and acknowledge that they are not "in power"
But instead are no more nor no less than hired hands whose job it is to weild our power
I will hunt down and vote out the liars, even if that means none are left
I will go green stay green and live green
Even when it’s a downright pain in the ass
I will protect and defend the environment
I will not be politically correct
Because I do not believe in politics
I will “just say no” to mindless consumerism and the mass commercialization of everything around me
I will become a celebrity in my own right and stop giving attention to people who give nothing but repackaged products to make themselves more rich
I will take mainstream media with a grain of salt
I will give them even less
I will hunt down alternative sources for news and information
I will expect the best for myself and for everyone around me
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United State of Transcendence
I will fight to the death for what I believe in
Not for what I am told to believe in
I will do my best to rid my mind of and help wipe from the face of the earth
All forms of sexism, racism, chauvinism, looksism, moneyism, and any other isms that are not good for me or those around me
I will live eat sleep and breathe art for its own sake
I will paint my life as I want to see it
I will live the life of my dreams
And help others do the same
I will rebel when I have to
I will cry when I need to
I will laugh when I want to
I will love more and more each day
And then love some more
I will wage war on those who put religious or patriotic dogma above peace or reverence for life
I will pretend that I am God until I wake up one day and realize that I am God
I will not sleep my life away
I will remember to think
I will remember to feel
I will remember to breathe
I pledge allegiance to the United State of Transcendence
I will march on Washington like Dr. Martin Luther King
Wear my hair like Don King
And spit on the ground beneath anyone who claims to be a King
I will sing like Pavarotti in my brand new Masseratti
Make love like Don Juan
And come back like Rocky
I will float like a butterfly and sting like a bee
And have more style than Issey Miyakee
I will not the let the bastards drag me down
I will not do the Macarena
I will not go have a beer
I will laugh when someone says ‘that's just the way it is’
I will climb every mountain
I will whistle while I work
I will rise and shine
I will be here now
For as surely as I will be here later
Blessed be to me
Nod nod wink wink
©2002 by Fishy. Feel free to copy and distribute freely
Saturday, May 17, 2008
What intrigues me most is our ability to still love someone who is clearly not “the best” for us. Or for that matter when we find ourselves still loving someone who does not return our love. You know, its an amazing thing. this. How no matter what we do to attempt to convince ourselves that we need to move on our heart still holds a special place for that person.... I wonder what that is? Why it is. Of course due to the public nature of the Diaries I am unable to fully go into the details of these torrid affair as much as I would normally before this experiment started.... what's it been now? six years? seven years now.... wow...
I need to, really. For in writing I find the most relief from such maladies. But suffice it to say that I believe that in essence the real dilemma lies in the fact that at our very core we long for love. So in cases where we simply don't have any love in our lives, our heart is willing to project true love’s fulfillment on the closest person that fills that role in our lives at that time.
I believe that is why it isn't such a bad thing when necessary to just up and leave our environment when we have to in order to escape the clutches of being in love with someone who just isn't going to ever fit the bill. If that isn't an option and oftentimes it isn't, then it is best to just stop communicating with the person altogether. Move on and just get them out of our lives as much as possible in order to get them out of our heart and mind as much as possible.
One of the things that I find most peculiar is this strange tendency of mine to still long for a girl even after I have made a decision that she isn't the right one for me. I actually find myself feeling jealous if she expresses liking some other guy or going out with another guy. Now in times past I used to beg for those situations so I could rid myself of having to deal with the guilt one feels when one breaks up with a girl, but even then, I find myself feeling terribly agonized over them liking someone else. and this is even after I have let them go and know without a shadow of a doubt that they aren't the one. Even then I still feel this great pain in my heart. it is two feelings simultaneously that are actually totally opposite of one another. On the one hand there is much about the girl that bothers me, even at times, just flat out annoys the hell out of me. And on the other hand I still find myself jealous and hurt that she is liking someone else and actually find myself wanting to be with her.
Such is the case now with a few. And for the life of me I cannot quite understand the nature of this mental and emotional anomaly. Why on earth would I even care? I mean is it not a blessing that one girl or another likes someone else and is now no longer projecting onto you that you are “the one.” She is no longer feeling sad or bitter or lonely or resentment towards you that you don't want to be with her. That's a blessing to be sure. And yet, every now and then, it still sneaks up on me with certain girls and hurts.
I think what it comes down to is that there are some people – when true love strikes us, which is rare – that we just never stop loving. No matter how incompatible we are with them, no matter how much they bother or annoy us or just downright create a feeling of disdain or loathing in us about them we still in our heart of hearts love them and are in essence still “in love” with them. With Weather Girl that's what happened. No matter how much I feel that we are incompatible and how much she annoys me at times, there is still this cupid’s arrow kind of love for what she represented at one point in my life. You see? Not HER. But what she represented – what I was projecting onto her when Cupid’s Arrow struck...
With Sabine it’s more like she's just this giant object of sensuality and mystery to me that will always captivate me, even though again I know we are completely incompatible. But I feel enraged sometimes when I think of her with another man, even though that is precisely the best thing that could happen to her, for both of us... And with Princess Little Tree I still feel the same love for her as I did when we were a couple. The only difference is that now I love her more as a friend and want her to be happy. I mean, talk about pain. fuck. We milked that for as long as we possibly could just because we wanted to be together so badly... but eventually I think we both just got tired of the constant pain of that realization in the back of our minds that we weren't the best for each other because of the age difference and all. We had already been told that we were husband and wife in our last life from more than one psychic and I think that helped us understand the instant connection and attraction and deep care we had for each other, and in a way it helped it make it easier for us to say good bye to our idea of being together in that capacity in this life. God was that sad.
It hurt sometimes. All of it. All of them. I'll tell you that. it hurts like a sonofabitch. It stings. It causes the body to tense up and clinch up and writhe in agony. Even though we very well know that they indeed aren't “the one.” But that doesn’t really talk to the heart. the heart has its own switchboard and I don't think that anyone knows how to tap into it yet or make a call into it. It just has its own special line. Only God knows how to get in there and talk any sense to it. time I
guess is all that can really heal these things...
I'm doing alright with it. The easiest cure of course is just to be in other relationships. And then you don't really think about it. you get yourself a new crush and then you aren't thinking of the old ones anymore... well that's the theory. For me that never actually works either. Because if I could have it my way I would have them all together as my wives and we would all be fine. In Iran when I met with the infamous Iranian filmmaker Khoshrow Sinai who is now in his sixties, I met one of his wives. He lives with two wives and they are best friends. Two children from each wife. And they are all very happy. I would like that very much. I guess I essentially I have that now in a way... just in a slightly covert way... and without the fringe benefits...
The real dream would be to meet ONE GIRL who could satisfy all of it. I mean, people get married for a reason... it isn't always just for children or tradition or convenience or even just temporary infatuation. Sometimes there is really something amazingly magical there.... and my dream would be to meet HER. that ONE girl that could really be THAT ONE for me. Where I would not need a handful of them to satisfy all the various different aspects of my gigantic personality... I wonder if that is possible... to have one girl that could do it... something to think about.
The closest I ever came was Cleopatra, but I was a kid and I was really fooling myself because she really wasn't on the same plane as I. I mean, eventually once the infatuation faded away we realized that we were very different from each other. We loved each other deeply and took such precious care for one another but we were on totally different planes so we argued insanely and passionately and horribly all the time. It was truly a nightmare. I'm very glad that I was mature enough to make the decision to “start separating to see if we could work out our differences.” Proud of her too. We made the right decision.
And since then, I've always wondered if there was one girl out there who really has it. all of it. the whole thing. not just the looks and the package, but also the old soul and the brains... the breeding, the enlightenment, the ability to keep up, the kindness and caring and unshakable integrity and honesty and lust for truth. I think for each of us, what we are really asking for is quite the miracle, and if we are lucky enough to find it, we should remind ourselves just how lucky we are.
The other day I received this email from Dina, remember the cute little gelato girl from Roma? Gosh I cannot even remember what name I assigned her in the Diaries... and I don't feel like looking it up... we had a great time for about a week or two in Rome just before I left. If you want to jump into that whole scene head to the Diaries from June through September 2003 and read all about it. There are some truly wild stories to be had there.
In any case, she fell in love with the song “Vicodin” from our Sleep with you CD that had just come out that year. (Good for her, cause it’s a damn good song and once she “got it” you know, not just liked the music, but understood the whole idea behind the song, she sort of took it as her theme song for a while...) And so she creates a new email address for herself from that point forward calling herself Vicodina... still now. Which is just fucking classic. In any case, we’ve kept in touch for the last five years and that's the way it should be.... So the other day I get this reply from her because it was her birthday...
It is so nice to heard you, first of all you have to exuse for my english that i' m sure it will be really hard to understand. Thank you for remembering my bifthday, I'm relly impressed your memory has win the battle with all the drugs you had in the past! Hahahhaaaa! Anyway my life goes really well, i'm working with my love fabrizio in a nice restaurant near Rome and we are living togheter from 1 year already, i have lost all my bads abits (i remember you was really worried for me) so now my life is more normal. I have to say that sometimes i still get drunk but is just because i don't want to feel too old .I 'm 31 this year and i still think i 'm 28 ,and if you could see me i'm sure you will agree with me that time did not change me a lot. what about you ? please let me now if you come in Rome to play with your band, and if you got time tell me something about the life in the big apple........ Tanti abbracci e baci dalla tua amica romana
And you know, that's the thing really. Is that its all about us being able to share with each other like this AFTER we are in a relationship with someone... you know, if we work everything out alright. If everyone puts their cards on the table and is honest and clean and has integrity, things can always work out alright and we often find that our best friends in the world are our ex-lovers.... with me and Sabine... we are still in that stage where we are struggling back and forth a bit. Still this tug of war. You know, I never know whether I'm coming or going with her really. I mean she's such a fucking mystery. One minute she loves me, the next minute she hates me. then the next minute we’re just friends, then the next minute she hates Weather Girl just because I once liked Weather Girl. And then she just likes me as a friend. Just makes no sense. But she's one of my best friends in the whole world and I put up with it all no matter what because we have the potential to be really good friends one day.
Lately I think she's coming around. Perhaps we both are. We’re getting to this new stage where we can hang out and laugh and really be friends.... at least on the phone. Being a professional “ballerina” she's not around that much anyway, so its better that way. Its weird though because I still find myself unable to just hang out with her and NOT think about her in a romantic way. which fucking drives me crazy. Because I don't want to. And I know she doesn’t want me to either. You see? That's where we were when we started.... And that my friends is the puzzle. First one to figure that one out wins the prize.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Well to be sure one could claim it’s the million-plus innocent lives killed in the poor country of Iraq in the name of oil by the big bad brutish bullying dictator of the world currently known as “the United States of America.” That situation certainly sucks. And yes it is also the hundreds of thousands of lives recklessly and needlessly murdered everyday in a world far far away called “Darfur” in the name of oil by the equally inhumane and dictatorial government of China. That sucks too.
And yes it might also have to do with the fact that on every shiny silver can of Diet Coke the phrase “Live Positively” is scrawled elegantly down the side right next to the coca cola logo when the actual liquid inside contains a proven carcinogen called aspartame and one out of every three Americans gets cancer every year. That sucks.
One could even go deeper and examine why coca cola and thousands of other American companies are allowed to put proven carcinogens into food and beverages legally and get away with it when one third of our population is getting cancer. The politically correct term for it is “lobbying” – which is a euphemism for bribery, blackmail, extortion and other such mechanisms that drive that poor old dying bitch of a dog we drag behind us called democracy.
One could think of hundreds of reasons why the world sucks. ‘The proof is in the pudding’ as they say, and the pudding tastes like shit. The proof is all around us. But every once in a while something so hideously ugly pops out of our collective society that makes the world sucking so crystal clear that we are left with literally nothing left to say but “the world sucks.”
A moment like that occurred today. Of course it will soon be forgotten because the world sucks so badly these days that it’s easy to forget about the specifics. One is merely left with a subconscious underlying constant gnawing feeling of anxiety, dread, fear, and a general disgust about life that can best be summed by the words “the world sucks.”
The New York Times likes to send out what they call “News Alerts” to unsuspecting victims of this suck-ass world we live in now and then. How they determine what is or is not news is a mystery to most in the free world. And one would do best to try their damndest to avoid reading such things. But today revealed one of those all too frequent perfect examples of the world sucking and it came in the form of something as innocent as simply comparing and contrasting today's “news alert” with one from a few days ago, both copied and pasted below.
Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Tuesday, May 6, 2008 -- 12:02 PM ET
Man Is Convicted of Stalking Uma Thurman
Jack Jordan, a 37-year-old University of Chicago graduate who ended up sleeping in his car and developing a fixation with the actress Uma Thurman, was convicted of stalking and aggravated harassment on Tuesday morning.
Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Friday, April 25, 2008 -- 9:15 AM ET
3 Detectives in Sean Bell Shooting Found Not Guilty
Three detectives charged in the November, 2006, shooting death of Sean Bell were cleared of all charges on Friday.
So let these dark days live forever in the annals of American history. Let a man known as “Justice Arthur J. Cooperman” and his inept handling of the Sean Bell case live in infamy for all time from this moment on. Let “Justice J. Arthur Cooperman” become a catchphrase that immediately connotes “racism, corruption, and failure to uphold your oath of office” in the ears of all who hear it and all who use it from this moment forward with no further words even necessary.
And just to rub it in even deeper and really force the wound to sting that much worse, let us recall the comment made just after the verdict was announced by the man those blinded by the matrix call the city’s “Mayor” – his mentally-challenged ineptitude shines brightly enough from this statement alone to light up the entire Manhattan skyline for weeks:
“Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg called for calm. “There are no winners in a trial like this,” he said. “An innocent man lost his life, a bride lost her groom, two daughters lost their father and a mother and a father lost their son.””
Talk about empty rhetoric. It is amazing how skilled some people become at moving their mouths without actually saying anything. Talk about not taking a stand for the sake of politics. Talk about total utter bullshit.
Indeed the world sucks. The stinking bullshit of injustice at this point in our history is so high that American children can no longer see over it. They just attempt to swim their little bodies through it day after miserable day.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Doing a little Spring cleaning in the old inbox and I came across this partial portion of a message thread that had originally been started by one Arlan Feiles, singer/songwriter extraordinaire, a week or two prior during the holy week of Yom Kippur. Arlan, who as most people know is also a very passionate humanist and activist for peace and human rights. At one point last fall he sent out a scourging letter to his entire fanbase to get more actively involved in fighting the American Government's illegal occupation of Iraq. One could tell from reading Arlan's email that he just hit "that wall" that many of us have hit over and over again in the last five years and was really grieving by the thought of another year, another month, another day of people over there killing each other in an invasion that at current academic statistics took an estimated 950 separate and direct lies told by the American White House Administration to the six billion of the world in order to justify.
Mad? Sure Arlan was mad. Any living, breathing, thinking person on planet earth right now is mad. Beyond mad probably. One cannot put into words the loathing that the world feels for the current United States White House Administration. These are people so ugly with evil and deceit that it is truly hard to look at their pictures let alone say their names. So let's not. We all know who they are. History will forever haunt humanity with the names of these wretched decrepit monsters and maniacs who somehow got away with disguising themselves as human and were responsible for the cruel useless and indecent death of so many hundreds of thousands of innocent lives.
So Arlan, in a bold move, shoots off this email to his friends and fans and asks that everyone get more involved. Now I'm not sure if his email provoked anyone to get more involved in the peace movement or not. Hell, at this point I don't even know if there is a peace movement in America. I think people in America are just fucking dead to it. The rest of the planet woke and one by one they all forced their respective countries out of this illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq. But Americans... well... Like Arlan, I can't believe people can even utter the words "LA Law" or "Grey's Anatomy" or "Britney Spears" when thousands of innocent people are being killed by American soldiers and all these Freedom Fighters now running into Iraq in an attempt to oust the American invaders. It's a total fucking clusterfuck to be sure. And how anyone can think of anything else is beyond me. Sure we have CodePink and ANSWER and UFPJ and The Veterans Against the Iraq War... (all are linked to the right if you want more information about any of these great organizations) - but for the most part Americans just simply don't give a shit unless someone happens to blow something up right in their own backyard. Which was the point of Arlan's message. I did my best with the White House Jihad song which still provokes some good feedback and debate and whenever I think of something, I'll do it, whatever it is, just as an act of protest that no matter how many years they drag this thing out, I am still not suckered in and still don't respect nor condone nor approve of what they did.
Arlan's basic point was just that. "People I don't care what you do, but during this time of atonement and Yom Kippur what I'm most sorry for is that we were not able to stop these murderous hacks in our own fucking government from killing all of these people in our own blessed country's name. just DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING."
Too bad I don't have more of the ensuing message thread because what i can tell you Arlan's message did was get a whole lot of people riled up and start shooting off emails to this whole group - none of whom had signed up to be on his list in the first place... pretty soon everyone was chiming in with their own two cents. And being Arlan's friends and fans almost all of them were great and intelligent emails. Every now and then one came through that was a bit short sighted or ignorant in it's "America the great" patriotism - the person not recognizing that "what America stands for" doesn't mean shit compared to "what America actually DOES." A lot of Americans miss this point. In fact, most do. That's why we are still over there killing people.
Anyway, fuck it. So America will have the distinct honor of killing yet another million people by invading their country without being provoked and without a real legal reason. According to conservative statistics, the United States of America has killed more than Eight Million people in military or terrorist acts and invasions since 1945. Imagine that. Eight Million people killed by the United States Government in fifty years. And so now we will add another million or so to the list. Fascinating, haunting, and horrifying when you ponder it even for a few minutes.... As Martin Luther King, Jr. stated in 1967, during the Vietnam War, "My government is the world's leading purveyor of violence."
Well, below is an interesting little bit of some of the dialouge that was created by the great debate Arlan started. Some interesting thoughts... Read at your own risk. I take no responsibility for posting. Just find it interesting. If I find more, I will post more. What do I like best about America? Well there are so so many things. One of them being that we are a country founded upon the idea that we each have - at least today we do - the right to be able to speak our minds in public. And I am very appreciative to the people below who did so. I got a lot out of reading what they had to say.
Your humble servant,
"I hope in this debate and discussion of the religious "right", is included the government of Israel, and that far too many of us Jews support, and their apartheid like government that is holding an entire people out and down in the name of "God". Too many of us, as American Jews, support this regime with the same blind faith that many right wingers here support our Republican government with. Had the Arab people of Palestine (the rightful inhabitants of "our" Holy Land) even been given the slightest of consideration from European governments in the 18th through 20th Centuries, and then by Zionists in the latter half of the 20th Century, many of the problems that our world brings us today, as Americans, and as Jews, would be non-existent, or minuscule in comparison. All we hear is a homophobic and hateful comment referencing Barry Manilow and a chastising of all of "us" for not doing enough. I'm sorry, but I can't help but feel the hypocrisy. And I also don't think its any one's business what I "need" to atone for. That belongs within my heart and spirit, not to someone on a soapbox of cards. I hope one day that there will be peace for ALL of "God's" people."
"I am always proud of Arlan's willingness and ability to make people think - whether it be about politics, religion, humanity or any thing else. This letter is no different. As with his music he is asking us to think and to walk our talks. So here are my thoughts.
I don't believe religion is the problem. It is that some people do not follow the best teachings of their religion, but twist it to support their own hatred and greed.
At the base of most religions, there is a fundamental call for goodness and loving ones brother as thyself. If people would stop and act accordingly, the world would be a better place.
This is going on in our country right now with the religious right. I am saddened by this and hope that our next election will bring in a president and government that will be will truly be for all of the people and not just for self interest. And that we can again become the leader, that this world needs by being an example.
I also think that Arlan accomplished what he wanted. Thank all of you for bringing your thoughts to the table, in disagreement and discussion can only come clarity.
I wish all of you, regardless of belief, a wonderful, sweet, healthy and most of all peaceful New Year.