A private little world for me... a private little world for you. The online musings and unofficial journals of singer/songwriter recording artist and author Ed Hale. The Transcendence Diaries have been posting regularly online since July 12, 2002. Comments are always welcomed. And so are YOU.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Crazy things lately, like the planets and stars are all effed up and wreaking havoc all over my universe. I sit in the center of the insanity and breathe deeply. I seek refuge in the dharma and take solace in the Buddha. Walking the tightrope between being the nice guy and being true to what I know in my heart is right. it is a fine balance. Between being strong and success driven and being a nice understanding person to others. A friend sent me this this morning:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
From A Return To Love:
Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
Harper Collins, 1992(from Chapter 7, Section 3)
Saw the movie ‘confessions of a dangerous mind’ recently. Bored during the film but now I can’t stop thinking about it. it is worth it. fascinating.
Today I received a letter from a photographer friend in Germany—I have pasted some of the more pertinent data here:
Dear Fishy, lots of success with your new CD! Unfortunately I will not be at Wizards this year. I hope, next year will be possible.
P.S. Our hope in these days is to stop the war against Iraq. Over 70 % of the Germans are against the war and our chancellor Schroeder has to stand many attacks from Bush and Blair. Today I read in the newspaper that even 80 per cent of the British people are against the war! I think in US it is similar.
Going to stop the transcendent diaries so heavy and bury myself in The Adventures of Fishy manuscripts. What an honor it is to be asked to be a part of it. Perhaps I can do them some justice. The diaries have afforded me some amazing experiences. The letters from people not all positive, but the community that has built around them has been inspiring. Some girl tells me, ‘you have to stop writing so much there.. yea their great and all but people are going to think your some kind of freak...” I thought “o.k? So?”
So off we go to work on the Fishy thing. Will post on TTV as it comes along.
Played a show at a mall today. I'm not kidding. We really did. thwarted by incessant technical difficulties but somehow we pulled it off. Good turnout. Watched people mouth the words with us while we sang. Sorry we didn't play more songs from rise and shine. we have to remember that we aren't just up there for ourselves.
Current Spin: Ours, precious. He screams a bit too much on this record, but it is a good collection of solid rock and roll. Great songs almost completely ignored this year, instead we got loads of nelly, eminem, Ashanti, Dixie chicks, et al. Too bad. Where the hell do we live?
Last Movie: confessions of a dangerous mind. A dangerous movie.
Went to CD release party tonight for country rock group dharma bomb. They put on the best show of their careers. Really really good. Everyone from the local music scene was there—derek, Zach and Jodi, rat Bastard, Danny Jessup, Mode, Omine, even Joey fagiola, etc etc---and now a lot of the actors are starting to come around ever since that recent merging of the two groups from the Decay play. At some points during the show I was so moved because I was just digging the music and looking at all these people, some of whom I have known for so long. And we are all still hanging out together because of our common bond of music. It was cool. But at the same time felt this unknown feeling of loneliness swelling up within me, you know, like, who am I and why am I here, and do any of these people really know me or like me. that type of stuff. but I just felt into it and let it go.
Nikki tells me that Sasha is now seeing the junkie who has been going out with the Toad for the last seven years. Really weird news. so later that night the Toad asks me if I have heard. I say yes. I tell him I was just talking about that same thing the night before as it related to him because there was a time about six years ago when I moved to New York and he immediately started dating Queenie as soon as I left, who had been my girlfriend for about two years. He and I were in a band together and lived together for about six years during that time. so that was a little weird, but I was telling a friend that it didn't really bother me because I loved the Toad very much and would share anything with him, even my girl. And we had shared girls before anyway, being in a band together and all for so long.
In the studio all day recording vocal tracks. Beautiful one and guilty.
Now finished. This record is by far the most rewarding musical thing I have ever been a part of. Pure bliss. Sucking on vicodin literally like candy because of this broken rib which is all but healed now. and my vocals are better than they have ever been. Sometimes I think it is the vicodin. Man that would suck. I'm not saying I mind, but they aren't going to last forever.
Later tonight I went to a lecture by famed Rabbi turned social activist Balfour Brickman, who recently penned new book “finding God in the Garden.” Couldn’t have been more apropos. He goes around stating that miracles don't exist, that the red sea never parted and therefore Passover is a mythic holiday so to speak, that Jesus never raised from the dead, that religion needs to merge with science or soon will be extinct but to a few. Great lecture. The guy was pretty cold, but his viewpoint is needed right now, especially seeing that he is a religious leader with a far reach in his community. I couldn’t believe my ears. Similar to Matthew Fox, the radical exiled catholic priest.
In the studio all day today working on background vocals. Veronica, I’m not the only one, girls, vicodin, junkie, Minnie driver.
Very close to being finished with this one. maybe another few weeks tops. Had to empty the rest of the savings account, sell my Paul reed smith guitar, and sell off the rest of the stocks to keep the recording project going. I’m not even flinching. Cleopatra asks me with a tear in her eye and the seriousness of a concerned friend, “When does it stop being a career and just become a hobby Fishy? When is enough enough? Have you thought about that?” “I guess when it stops getting me off,” I say. “when I stop feeling so fulfilled from it.”
More protests in many cities across the usa this weekend against the war in Iraq.
Someone forwarded this to me today... very right on for the moment.
YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE
Your life is going to change when you have the trust to express and act on your heart's desire, even if it doesn't make much sense at the time;
WHEN YOU TAKE RISKS to explore new possibilities,
when you jump and go beyond the illusion of your limitations,
and breathe fresh air;
when you feel insecure but you do it anyway
because you want to feel the passion of being alive.
Your life changes when you come home to your soul,
BECOME LOVING and accept
that you are a wonderful mixture of apparent contradictions -
powerful and vulnerable, unsure and inspired,
wild and gentle, ordinary and exceptional,
occasionally sad and mad, but also a Buddha in the making,
that you do your best, and yes, sometimes you really screw things up!
That you are loveable anyway
and that you really do make a difference to the people around you.
Your life forever changes and expands
when you discover and cherish the inner jewel of your awareness,
the central intelligence of your being;
when, with the honest loving support of friends, you BECOME AWARE of
your feelings, attitudes and your needs, and why you act the way you do, and learn from all the blind-spots that they see but you don't.
Your life changes when you learn how to BECOME FRIENDS
and appreciate the amazing uniqueness of all the different people in your life, when you realize that you are indeed a child of the universe, master of your life, and co-creator of this world... that there is much to
Life changes when you discover that whatever the problem,
love is always the answer.
(This includes LOVE OF SELF)
Stayed up last night till 4am working. Writing, working on songs, taking pictures. The night before I worked until I passed out on my bed with my clothes on. It's like I am on fire. Watched an interview with the Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone who when asked what trait did he least admire in people replied, “patience. I'm just very driven. Always have been. It's the way that I am wired.” I can relate to that. Experiencing a lot of impatience with other people around me that work with me and for me, and the pace that they work. I don't necessarily expect them to stay up until 4am every night working, but then again, why the fuck not.
Just filled out my ballot for the Grammy awards. Not a lot of good choices. It looks like Norah Jones and Bruce are going to take some. Maybe foo fighters and even coldplay has a shot. Both great bands. That would be awesome. But other than that, pretty slim pickens. Bowie has one shot, hopes he gets it. A lot of overly produced commercial crap this year.
Weather has been cold in Miami. Cold enough to burn a fire every night. Helping to ease the tension by the over work load lately. Doing a lot of song writing in front of the fire into the wee small hours. Listening to amnesiac while I am working right now. noticed on amazon.com today how many people made reference to how ‘Radiohead had fucked up or dropped the ball with kid a and amnesiac.’ I think they just missed the point. I love this album. The more I listen to it the more I think it might have been/might still be some kind of a musical revolution. An evolution. A plane flies over my house every ten minutes or so. Next time I fly in I will try to remember to look down and see if I can spot my house. Took a picture of a possum walking by me while I was writing. a possum in Miami. Crazy.
Last Movie: raging bull, again. That's a tough one to make it through. Imagine finding out that deniro didn't win the best actor Oscar> now that would be something.
Attended the premier of the movie Chat the other night. good crowd. They used four of our songs from the rise and shine album. very cool. Watching our name in the credits roll up on the big screen was so cool.
Someone mailed this to me the other day.
I found this in the Avatar Master's handbook pg.14
"Successful operation with the universe of the other is achieved by assuming control over your own assumptions, identities and projected motivations, and then offering a predictable, defined presence, while respecting the undefined presence of the other."
In the studio now recording my vocals for the new album. I can feel such a difference now after my return from the holiday. For one thing my voice is back, thank God. One of the things that the soul reader told me was to come from my deepest heart at all times. That I was here from Alpha Centauri many thousands of years ago as what she calls a blue print provider for humanity. (personally had a tough time swallowing a lot of the “facts” she “saw” in my “soul” but I really got a lot out of the ideas she presented to me—they seemed right on—she was recommended to me by a bunch of others I knew who had also called her and said they got a lot out of her whole trip, so I figured why not, and really, I have to say, that put aside all the coming from other planets stuff—which I am open to but skeptical about, her work, her readings are unbelievable accurate and helpful). So I did some processing on times when I didn't follow my heart as she suggested, didn't follow my intuition, wasn't completely allowing my power, doubting, second guessing myself etc. well that turned into a five day exploration, really more, just blown away by realizing how much I did hold back, second guessed myself, doubted my heart, my gut, my intuition, you hear this a lot—people always talking about it, but sometimes you don't realize that you could be doing it too; intense; realized how maybe I was operating at half of my power potential as a person in general.
So then I spent the next week taking all this in and then really intensely focusing on changing all that, coming from this insanely huge place of power within me and not holding back anymore, you know before I knew it I just felt like I was on fire, like on a mountain or something. So that was where I was that last week or two of my trip and now I am starting to integrate being back here in the real world day to day of my life. I have been so moved by this the last two weeks since I have been home. I just haven’t been writing about it because this was such a huge transformational experience. It was like one of those before and after events you will always remember. I have talked to the artisan about it, we kind of went through it together each of us guiding and pushing the other on to greater and greater heights just honoring the other’s deepest wishes and desires and then prodding them to go for it etc, and she has said the same thing. Things just seem totally different now. more real, more vivid. Easier.
I’m sitting here on the couch in the studio. I just sang the song veronica for the album and I was so moved by the whole experience.
About Schmidt was the most torturous event I have sat through in years. I am not saying it wasn't a good movie, maybe it was. But it is just disgusting and horrifyingly too real. Really makes you squirm.
Then off to the opera to see Salome. Forget that it was based on a play by the brightest of them all Mr. Oscar Wilde, even that couldn’t save this miserable wretched bore with no melody. But I did get about an hour of solid sleep in. And I got a chance to mess around with my new handheld a bit more, much to the disdain of the other attendees.
This just in from our good friends over at Now Age Press:
“Saturday, January 11 - Nyack, NY - Death died today. With a simple signature, Illinois Governor George Ryan spared the lives of 167 men and women that had been sentenced to die. With that act, the governor has elevated the consciousness of American politics. According to a story from the NY Times: >>Gov. George Ryan commuted all Illinois death sentences today to prison terms of life or less, the largest such emptying of death row in history. With a single sweep, Governor Ryan, a Republican, spared the lives of 164 men and 3 women who have served a collective 2,000 years for the murders of more than 250.<<
As I watched Governor Ryan's speech today on C-Span, I was with my seven year-old daughter. Bored with the show, she asked me what we were watching. I told her we were witnessing history being made before our eyes. While the point was lost on her as to what was happening, I hung on the governor's every word. It's been a long time since I felt proud to be an American. And it took the actions of a Republican to generate that feeling. Was I tripping? Al the Snore's refusal to take a stand against the death penalty was one of the main reasons I could not support him in 2000, against the superstar of executions, Dubya of Texas, the Compassionate Conservative. According the Death Penalty Information Center, Texas leads the nation in executions, with a hefty 289 state-sponsored murders since 1976. Runner up in Virginia, with 87. Compassion, apparently, has a slightly different flavor in Texas.”
Spent all night last night working on the band’s rider for the upcoming tour. Working a lot on transcendent radio. All day today. adding a lot more ambient and experimental music, as well as more modern rock and brit pop.
Current Spin: nobukazu, sign. Philip glass, the hours soundtrack. Genesis, duke.
Back home in Miami. Sitting in front of the fire. Re-entry into Miami was rough and rocky. Argued with a customer service rep from Nextel who told me they denied my claim for phone replacement through my insurance because “although you said you dropped your phone and that could be why it broke, you did not cite a specific incident that caused the damage.” I swear it was a joke, a candid camera perhaps. I proceeded to smash my water cooler with a golf club for about five minutes until it was in pieces. People came running. “Fishy are you alright?” “yea I'm fine. Just making the adjustment to being back from vacation. that's all.” “are you fucking crazy? look at your water cooler.” “Yea I know. I hope they aren't too expensive.”
Called back, threatened to smash all the water coolers at Nextel. Got my phone replaced and a credit to my account.
Two days of snowboarding in flagstaff. I am so sore I cannot even lift my arms, and can barely walk, but I had the most fun in the last two days than can ever remember. Listening to music on the way up the mountain—Rufus wainright, strokes, Bessie smith, even the new avril lavigne. A surreal experience with the magic snow capped mountains and the white blankets covering the terrain everywhere you look. Peaceful and quiet. Easy to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. And Rufus singing so pure and passionately. Put on some Air and some Phoenix and some new David gray. Orange sky, mountains surrounding us, skyscraper Aspens and pines blowing in the wind, chills in my body from the beauty of the experience.
I wiped out so many times I couldn’t even stand up. I would just lay there in the snow for ten minutes staring up at the sky, in this ecstatic pain, then lift myself up again. So happy to be alive. I haven't checked email or checked voicemail in a week. Just disappeared into things, living in the moment. I love the cold and snow so much I have no idea why I still live in Miami.
o.k. another one bites the dust. Another year is behind us. so to speak. I guess that depends on which calendar you use. Nuclear bombs in north Korea, the apparent threat of terrorism everywhere, cloned babies popping up like mushrooms in a cow pasture, slumping economy and the possibility that our government is headed down the same dark path once walked by Rome, Egypt and many other now crumbled empires whose eyes got too wide and whose heart got too small [bush to Cheney: “now hold on there, you telling me Dick that we have to concern ourselves with the American people? My daddy never told me that. lets just bomb those fuckers.”] And God only knows what really happened to Albert Gore. Things took a turn for the worse when prince Albert conceded. Is it Armageddon? Someone told me they saw it in a dream last week. Would officially start on March 3rd, 2003. germ warfare, more terrorist attacks and nuclear bombs going off. Maybe, maybe not. We’ll see. Things definitely feel funny right now. But none of that matters because we still have Eddie izzard, Cary grant movies, Sigur Ross, Air, the Strokes, Phoenix [from France, not Arizona], Roberto Begnini, Rufus wainright, and oh yes love. We need to focus more on art, more on music, more on love, and more on family. But there is a strong need more than ever for social and political activism in America at this time. so where's the balance? That's the million dollar question?
Is it an individual or communal balance that is needed? In other words, if some in our community dedicate one hundred percent of their time to activism, initiating change for the common good of all of us, is it then o.k. for others to not dedicate any time to this activism? Less than 50% of the American people vote in national elections, let alone local or state. So what? Does it matter? Do we all need to get out there and do things to protect our environment? To feed and shelter the homeless? To improve education? To right social injustices? Or is it o.k. if some of us just kick back and do other things? [well if bush does indeed invade Iraq and this does eventually lead to more terrorist attacks on American soil down the road, then we will know the answer to this question. Then again, if because of influence from the American people he decides not to invade Iraq and this in turn leads to more terrorist attacks or even worse on American soil, then I don't know what the fuck all that will mean.] the question is how important is it for all the members of a community like America say, to be socially and politically active to steer the society into cleaner more healthier waters?
We are climbing up to 9000 feet elevation listening to the United album by Phoenix. If I die today I will be happy because I think it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. Snow is all around us. Tall pine trees everywhere. The 12,000 foot San Francisco Peaks are up ahead. It is absolutely beautiful, like a Coors beer commercial. Lol.
New Years Eve was wonderful fulfilling evening. Phoenix symphony orchestra. Balloon drop and Champaign toast. Party with friends afterwards. Drove up to flagstaff and played in the snow, walked in the woods and there amongst the tall pines and whispering birches and aspens ankle deep in the snow in the dead silence we whispered our new years resolutions and desired results for 2003. You could hear a pin drop in the snow.
Someone the other day said, “I'm pro-life, but I am also pro-choice. These people that run around the country claiming to be pro-life are not pro-life. that is not pro-life. that is a misnomer. that is compulsory pregnancy, is what it is. What they are is compulsory pregnantists.” Classic.
Three songs are now mixed for the new album.
Last great movie: lady windemere’s fan, by oscar wilde. Brilliant. Bas says to me, I can’t believe he was only able to write five or six plays before society killed him. what? Just because he wanted to fuck some guys up the ass? They kill the greatest writer in the world?