Monday, September 29, 2003
There was a moment of epiphany this morning. Me and Cleopatra on the phone, not able to agree. Going back and forth. And I was upset. I was very upset. She was upset. We hung up and agreed to talk later. I am driving down the highway. I am angry. And I could feel all this raging up within me. Same old thing really. All this pain and anger inside. Why can’t she just see this? Why is this happening? Why is life so hard? Struggle struggle struggle. And there I was driving, and listening to a very familiar tune in my head. All this anger. And when I started looking at it from the outside I could see perfectly well that I had every right to be angry. And I had every right to feel like a victim. And I had every right to be mad and upset and cranky and all that. I was fuming. I'm talking about the kind of anger where every person you see on the highway next to you is an asshole or a loser. You’re just finding something wrong with everyone and everything. I was cranky. And really felt trapped by this situation.
But for some reason I was able to see this all sort of from the outside of myself. And I remember asking myself if I really wanted to feel this way. And I heard myself answer back that this situation sucked and how the fuck else am I supposed to feel? so then I answered myself, “well why don't we think about how we would want this situation to be?” and I thought, “well how about that? I mean, if I'm creating it all. I mean if I'm creating all of it, that means I'm creating this situation with Cleopatra as well. in fact, in the bigger picture I'm creating Cleopatra and every experience I have with her. And of course she's creating me in her world and how she experiences me. and you know I know this. I mean I really know this. I don't have to think about it or ponder it or study or any thing. I know all of this as much as I know anything else. to a lot of people this kind of talk is still just theory cause they just haven't gotten there yet. but for me this is something I know. but of course knowing and doing are two different things.
So I asked myself again, how do I want to experience this? and so I answered, I want the whole damn thing to be different. I want my fucking way for one thing. I want what I want and I want what's right and just and I don't want to have to do it through courts or attorneys or through arguing. And I also want what's right for Cleopatra. I want her to feel that its working out good for her too and for her to feel like she is getting what she wants. ‘Well that's not happening right now,’ I thought. ‘well then just make it happen,’ I thought after that. And I just kind of drove with my eyes straight on the road and just really focused on the reality of this. on the reality that I could really make this happen. It was up to me. It was up to me if I was down and angry right now or if I was feeling good and pumped and just on top of the world. And within maybe ten minutes I noticed I started feeling good. Its almost as if I willed myself happy and psyched up again like I normally am. It was quite brilliant. Me and Cleo spoke on the phone another three times. And by seven in the evening we had come to this agreement just using our imaginations that we were both happy with. Just brilliant.
I think you can get to that point where your desire to stay in ‘state’ or ‘flow’ is stronger than your desires for anything else. and your desire to find solutions and feel like you are achieving a constant state of success far outweigh any other desires that may get in the way. I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn't experience it. a lot lately.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
This just came in the from Leftie Liz:
>Here it is people........ remember this in 2004!
Just so you know:
>*I attacked and took over 2 countries.
>*I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.
>*I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not easy!).
>*I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
>*I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
>*I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
>*In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I did).
>*After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
>*I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in US history.
>*In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
>*I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history.
>*I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a 12-month period.
>*I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.
>*I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president, since the advent of TV.
>*I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other US president in history.
>*I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
>*I cut health care benefits for war veterans.
>*I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
>*I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
>*I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.
>*Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.)
>*I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.
>*I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
>*I am the first president in US history to order a US attack AND military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the vast majority of the international community.
>*I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States, called the "Bureau of Homeland Security"(only one letter away from BS).
>*I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history (Ronnie was tough to beat, but I did it!!).
>*I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations to remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.
>*I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.
>*I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.
>*I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant. I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
>*I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
>*I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.
>*I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
>*The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
>*I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
>*I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
>*I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.
>*I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
>*I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
>*I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
>*I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for gov't contracts.
>*I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
>*I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
>*RECORDS AND REFERENCES: I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
>*I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of war.
>*I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use. (wink,wink)
>*All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
>*All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
>*All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
>*Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
>GEORGE W. BUSH
>The White House, Washington, DC
Saturday, September 27, 2003
From: Blake Baby [mailto:XXXXXX@xxxxxx.com]
Sent: Thursday, September 18, 2003 10:20 AM
Subject: RE: hey kids its that time again
Sent: Thursday, September 18, 2003 10:20 AM
Subject: RE: hey kids its that time again
> Dude I agree. Last year I had a coach all year. And I just went like
> three months without one. and just yesterday I signed back up for it
> because I realize I do better with one. for sure. I think it's the wave
> of the future!
Wow, that's cool. What kind of training/perspective does your coach have or
what do you look for along those lines in a coach?
I think I resisted having a coach for a long time in part because it seemed
like I have all of the tools that I need in Avatar to handle whatever I need
to handle and to create whatever I need to create. However, I definitely
get something out of having a coach that I don't get from Avatar. How do you see how a coach and Avatar can work together?
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Blakebaby [mailto: email@example.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, September 17, 2003 9:17 PM
> To: ambasciatore
> Subject: RE: hey kids its that time again
> Things are crazy for me. I've been learning stuff like crazy though it
> hasn't been easy. I'm about ready for a break. :-) I hired a fantastic
> business/personal coach who has been helping me through stuff. I really
> like having someone that I can dialog with to work through things.
Current read: Inside the Playboy Mansion. If you are a man, buy this book.
Twenty five years ago we sent a big ship off into space. We called it the voyager. And the idea was just to send it out there and never have it return. Just kind of set it on course and see what happens. In 2003 it has assumably reached the outer edge of our solar system finally. What an amazing concept?! We put a lot of stuff into the ship. Things that we hope some other life forms might find and then know that we exist. We made a vinyl record too. CDs didn't yet exist. So we made this record and we put some Beethoven on there and some blind Willie Johnson and some bob Dylan, probably some Elvis too. we also recorded messages in over fifty different human languages, just in case these alien beings don't speak English but maybe speak Norwegian or something. Who knows? I don't think the irony is lost in translation. I don’t know for sure if they put any other animals speaking on the vinyl disc, such as that of a dog or a cat or a horse or whatever. Just in case... The question of course that is begging here is if some other intelligent life forms do find this ship and then eventually they discover this record, would they really know what to do with it? Realistically there aren't many people here on earth anymore who would know what to do with a vinyl record these days, let alone beings from another planet or a galaxy far far away....
<Speech before the United Nations International Conference on God and World Religions in March, 1998. New York City.>
“Falling asleep and thinking about God one night recently. Like many nights. Wanting to pray. Not quite sure sometimes how to pray or who to pray to. I don't mind admitting that. I think its natural. The idea of God and religion is some pretty deep stuff. I guess that's why we’re all here.” laughs.
“I want to thank you all for having me here. I am in awe of the event. I am as surprised by my appearance here as I am sure many of you are.” Laughs. “It is an honor to be here. I am learning a lot from all of you.” I paused. Applause. I continued, slowly.
“I thought about Jesus. I told him I needed a break for a while. He seemed to understand.” Laughs. “Man gets to a certain age. Thinks he’s seen it all and done it all and thought it all. Of course we’re just kidding ourselves with that one. It feels that way sometimes though. We start to thinking that we want our thoughts and our actions to be as honest as they can be. Hard to fit religion in with that kind of thinking. Though perhaps not many religious people would agree with that idea, that's o.k. with me. I'm willing to ride that idea all on my own if I have to. But just too many damn inconsistencies in the Jesus thing for me to swallow it whole. And for me now, you just get to that stage in life when you want to know that you know what you know. You know?” laughs.
“You don't want to have any doubts about it. You don't want to have any doubts about anything. Life is already so full of doubts. So why add to that? I know what I think God is. And I don't think there are any inconsistencies in this God. I don't think God is capable of inconsistencies. So many loopholes and myths and fables and, well you know, in the whole religious thing. And that's nobodies fault and I'm not blaming anyone for it now. I think I'm over that. Took a while.” laughs.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Went to Churchill’s to see some bands. Old bands. Classic punk and Rock bands famous for twenty thirty years. Psychodaisies. Thought it would just be a novelty act. I had no idea how mesmerized I would be the whole hour. Just an amazing sound. Velvet underground. Really. Seriously. Just totally hypnotic rock music. Steady solid groove. Nice night. Made me want to start playing. Its been a while now. We’re ready.
Avatar = Good foundation and philosophy, good way to clean up and stay clean. Turns you from a normal person into a beautiful shining happy person. Muggles turn into wizards.
Coach = gets you to kick butt, get or stay in "state" or "flow", objective feedback or criticism from an outside source other than ourselves who is NOT our friend and therefore does not care about sugar coating their responses to us.
I would love to start seeing Avatar coaches come out one day. that would be awesome! A coach who has their foundation in Avatar, who is a master and wizard, but then also has gone through Tony Robbins coaching training and Peak Evolution training. This would be totally kick ass!
What about your coach?
How is it for you?
Robert Palmer died. That guy is cool. He will be missed. His album sneaking sally through the alley is a classic. Riptide, another classic. Johnny cash died recently as well. Rock and roll takes its toll man.
Man. On the phone all day. everyone you speak with has a different opinion and theory about what it takes to “make it” in the music business. and the fact still remains that most people who make it do so with a major label. Some do alright going indie. But not many. And of course “making it” is a very subjective term.
The over all consensus is the same though. The music industry is falling. Falling, failing, struggling, however you want to put it. so major label signings are tough. And getting tougher. They want to sign artists with proven track records. Now this is a tough opinion to have since many popular acts today had no track record to speak of before they got signed. Think Norah Jones, John mayer, Pete yorn, dashboard. So if a rep likes your music, they're going to try their best to sign you either way.
But still the no-sayers are constantly reminding everyone how hard it is and how you have to be basically already selling millions of copies of your music and “on tour” before they will even look at you. but recent signings prove other wise. Who knows? But what it does for me is it makes me ask this question. How can you “make it” in music independently. How can you sell millions or at least hundreds of thousands of Cds on your own? Without a major label behind you doing all their work? For me it has been a challenge that is inspiring. How many cds can a band sell on its own? Can you make a living? I mean a good living. A living worth making? This bullshit about artists having to struggle and not make any money, but the pop stars who can barely sing make millions. It’s the major cliché that in its own way is helping to destroy the industry. Check out fucktheindustry.org. [Its like a little mini-war against the industry. And the other side, “the public” claims to really love and appreciate the artists, but of course if they get their way, whether it be boycotting all purchases from major label artists, or being allowed to download music for free, the artists are going to lose out. Lets face it, for artists that have already made it, people like sting, u2, or puff diddy, etc, who cares. They’ve made their money. Sting has a fucking castle in Sienna for God sakes. But for the young up and comers, artists like me and my band, we’re still really dependent on album sales to make a living. And so are thousands of other artists who haven't made huge money yet. So yea for us this little battle isn't such a good thing. So go ahead and boycott and download and file share and burn cds all you want but bear in mind that yes you ARE affecting the livelihood of the artists. Period.
I spoke with Queenie over the weekend. Just to touch base with her. Hadn't spoken in a while. Every time we do attempt to speak we argue about something, so as much as we may love each other, I think we both realize that it is better to keep our encounters to a minimum. But I do reach out often anyway. I called her on Saturday. She is not doing well. She is 34 years old now. But she still acts and talks like a teenager. She was a teenager when her parents divorced and I think she stopped growing when that happened. She has been in therapy ever since that day. Almost twenty years straight and God bless her is no different today than she was when I met her ten years ago. In fact she seems worse now. Now she is telling me she thinks she has a eating disorder and is all messed up about her body. It is almost as if when people get this bad mentally, they become two people. They split off from themselves. There is the them who is talking to you and then there is the person they are talking about, themselves. They talk about themselves as if they aren't in control of themselves. As if they don't understand themselves. She says she wants to be better, but that she is obsessed with her body. Obsessed with food. I ask her “well why you don’t just stop it then? I mean why don't you just stop all that and realize how wonderful and beautiful you are?”
Of course that just makes her mad. It would probably make anyone mad. ‘look, you have to start on a vitamin regimen. Your body is in some kind of emergency state. Craving sugar. We need to fix it.’ “I don't need any vitamins Fishy! She screams. Its not my body. Its my mind.” What she doesn’t realize along with half the human population is that the mind is part of the body. Heal the body and you will heal the mind. And of course vice versa. So she won't even try a natural or say a nutritional approach. So she spends the last twenty years on different therapists couches spending tens of thousands of her fathers money, she continues to get worse, all of them obsessing on what is wrong with me, rather than what is right with me. For me it is very sad. Because I loved Queenie very much when we were together. She really tugged at my heart. It was hard to pull away from her.
‘Queenie. I am sure you can make this all alright, o.k.? Tell me you can. I don't want to worry about you.’ ‘I wish I could Fishy. I don't know now. They want to put me in the hospital.’ ‘And what about you? Do you want to go to a hospital?’ ‘I don't know.’ maybe it will be best for me. I want to be better.’ ‘You know what? Queenie I have an idea. Lets go to the Bahamas. Just you and me. We’ll go for the weekend. Just friends. We’ll lie on the beach drinking rum runners until we pass out everyday under the hot sun. I'll write songs while you read magazines. It’ll be brilliant. Just for a couple of days. I'm sure that's all you need. What do you think?’ ‘I don't think so. I don't fly now. I hate it too much.’ ‘Well you can’t just stay in your own hometown the rest of your life. You have to just overcome this fear of flying.’ ‘Well you need to find another girl, cause that's not me.’ And then this is about the time that I realize that as beautiful and smart and funny as Queenie is that she really does have real problems. And they aren't just going to go away tomorrow kind of problems.
I mean maybe she's right. Maybe she really won't ever fly anywhere because of being too afraid. Me I couldn’t imagine this. When I am afraid I acknowledge it, and try to really feel it to its extreme so I can get used to it and own it, and then I start forcing myself to do whatever it is I am afraid of so I can get over it. They call this immersion therapy and it works. Its frightening and uncomfortable but to me there is nothing I am more afraid of than living a compromised life due to any fears. ‘Well Queenie I've known you for a long time. I love you and I care about you and I want you to get better. O.k.? So please fucking get better.’ ‘Thanks Fishy. I hope I do but I don't know...’ So eventually me and Queenie hung up the phone. And that was that. I will send her positive thoughts and good prayers. But I think she has to stand up on her own you know. Like a baby. For the first time. Just stand up and start taking baby steps to really using her will to just wake up one day and say ‘fuck all this. I'm better today than yesterday. Goddamn I am fucking normal...’ you know something like this. I mean really, in all honesty, don't a lot of us have to do that a lot in this world? I mean maybe not everyday. But still. A lot of days. Its not so easy for any of us. But I wish there was some kind of magic wand or magic pill to just get everyone to be happy and more positive. Cause I think that would be the greatest thing. Perhaps more than anything else, even more than doing our art, that is the most noble of all goals.
[The Swede came over. Looked hot as always. She started telling me these sex stories of her and all these different girls she's had. Before I knew it, I was totally doing myself while she talked. Right in front of her. I closed my eyes and listened to her tell her stories. It was great. ‘No don't stop. For God sakes. Keep talking.’ pretty soon, she started playing with herself while she talked and watched me. And that was that. It was cool. It was perfect. It is things like this that make being single worth it.]
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Talked with the producer today. what a puss. he is telling me that you have to be on tour to be signed by a major label. I point him to about ten major label signings in the last two years all of them huge stars and none of them doing shit before they were signed. He's telling me he's talking to an attorney who knows everything. I tell him look attorneys talk out of their ass. That's what we pay them to do. Please don't listen to any fucking attorneys. The guy is just so wrong. He like everyone else is trying to nail down an industry in one sentence as if this one idea is IT. And there is no one idea in any industry. There are simply no rules bro. So relax. Were on the right track. The CD isn't even out yet and you’re already discouraged.
So I'm filling him in on everything going on with the record company and where we are with promoting the record. Basically we need about $50,000 to get the record out there to the people, between distribution and press and retail promo and radio promo, and now we have sold out of our first pressing so we need to make more, which is good but also sucks. So here we are in this position where the CD is barely out and in order to really do something we need to spend at least 15,000 dollars.
A lot of people freaking out. But only because they don't know business. They know music. They make cds. They put them out meaning they give a copy to their parents and all their friends and they sell some at shows. And that's what they do. And they get stuck with thousands of cds sitting around their house. That's not putting out a CD. Our last album rise and shine sold thousands and thousands of copies and we still didn't make enough money from it to live. And really that's what this is all about. Us making a living from playing our music. From doing our art together. I dream about just being able to make music all the time. I have written some 850 maybe 860 songs in my life. That’s my thing. The lust of the next song. To me it is more than an art that I pursue vociferously. It is an addiction. To write songs. The whole concept. The whole adventure of it. I not only consider myself an expert at it. I also consider myself a huge fan of it and an addict. Songwriting and singing and producing albums, like movies, that's my life. That’s my passion. And I've been doing it since I was a little kid. And I have always made a moderate living at it. But not a good living. And the boys in the band. Most of them still live at home. So our goal is just to get to that next level where we can make music all the time and get paid really well at it.
Thanks for sharing so openly... Did you have a serious drinking problem with alcohol? for long? and what made you decide to stop?
do you think you will be able to drink socially once you get the whole 'addiction' thing out of your system? or do you subscribe to the idea of 'it only takes once?' as some people do.
For me personally, I think it depends on the person and the drug. for instance with me, I can drink or not drink. No prob. same with most drugs. But I don’t think I will ever do coke or acid again. I just think I'm done there and no I don’t think if I did any of that once or twice that it would make me want to do it all the time. I just don’t subscribe to that idea for me and those drugs or drinking.
But with cigarettes which I quit about 6 years ago and cigars which I quit about a hundred times in the last 6 years, I do kind of think that it is best if I just don’t ever do them. Like never. Because I think maybe my body is perhaps prone to addiction to that chemical, i.e. nicotine. Funny huh? For some people, they can smoke now and then no prob. other people find it impossible to smoke just once.
The miracle of body chemistry. Who knew when we were just kids before school thinking we were all cool? That a few years later it would all turn into such a mess? Or such a challenge later to quit it all? The irony of course that our parents were always telling us that and trying to stop us from smoking and drinking and all that. but we never listened, and then later it turns out that maybe there was something to all their fuss after all.
Well michi baby, good on ya mate. I hope you feel better.
I watched the debates tonight. I didn't think the general Clark really seemed too much like a president. Seemed like he had pretty low testosterone. He needs some serious supplementation. Maybe he was just real nervous. He sure stands for all the right stuff. We’ll just have to wait and see. One thing is for sure. There are plenty of good candidates. A lot more than I think anyone expected. Well educated well informed and well spoken men and women who seem to mean well.
I remember that one time when I roomed with the Gardner and he said he was coming to terms with the fact that maybe he was a sex addict. He was like fifty or sixty years old and I remember looking at him like “what? What's that?” its an interesting question. What is a sex addict? What if someone does it like everyday? That's pretty normal I would think. but what if they just do it with anyone just to have sex, like Samantha on sex and the city. I guess that's a sex addict. Can we be a vegetable addict? You see what I am saying? I guess you are a sex addict if your need for sex is somehow damaging your life or the lives of others. Can this happen with vegetables? I don't know.
The crazy Spaniard telling me before she took off that she was in desperate need to find a man fast. She wasn't used to going this long without sex. She is going crazy. Masturbating three times a day with a vibrator. If someone doesn’t hold her and make love with her soon that she feels as though she may go crazy. Welcome to the world of being single baby I said. You're not the only one. So I helped her out a few times. As a friend of course. More of an experiment. They call that friends with benefits program. And often times it works very well. For some reason Francis will not go for it anymore. I think it only works if both people are just friends. If one of them likes the other than its going to cause problems.
Remember that one time when me and the Wolf were on our way to a gig and we had the Squirrel in the back seat and we were talking about masturbating and she told us that the most she ever masturbated in one day was twelve times. The Wolf almost ran us off the road from laughing so hard. Seriously, we skipped like three lanes on the highway. We were dying with laughter... We thought she was kidding but she wasn't. That’s some serious sex addiction there. But then again, who knows? Perhaps its not. If one enjoys it, then why not? Has anyone ever sat around all day and watched movies? Is that an addiction to movie watching? So what's the difference between doing that and masturbating? I don't know the answer to that one, but twelve times in a day? Man that's crazy. Wouldn’t that just really hurt after a while?
Current read: The disheveled dictionary by Karen Elizabeth Gordon.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
I have done it. In a wild and passionate fit of manic genius i have found a way to continue the transcendence diaries. For six months I have struggled with the dilemma of how to maintain the integrity of being true to my life, while still honoring the call of this mammoth novel. I have found a way, the way, to be able to continue to write as openly and honestly as I want and need to, but in an entirely fictional manner. I will no longer lie awake at night worrying that I am being too honest, nor will I fret over not dedicating enough time to The Adventures of Fishy, which I have been writing for so long now that it feels as if it is a part of me. Rather, I shall make it a part of me. After all, what good are your memoirs if they are not at least in part slightly biographical? I will fuse the world of the Ambassador with my own. I will no longer be Fishy pretending that he has never heard of this Ambassador. And vice versa. I will fuse the two. And Tobias Guess too. I have not seen Tobias in years now. I will summon him to see what he thinks of this grand new scheme of mine. Surely he will approve.
Taking these weight loss vitamins everyday that really mess with your mood and emotion. Caffeine is a major component of all of them. And so you're up all day. But I mean UP. And emotionally it just kind of freaks you out. And I keep having these slight hallucinations throughout the day. I can’t stop working. Never break. And then at night you can’t sleep so you have to take something to sleep. And then when you wake up you are so hung-over you can’t even lift your head or move. So you have to take something to wake up before you even get out of bed. Its truly fucking crazy. But ever since I came back from Europe I am so fat. There I wasn't, but here I have been, I guess from the change in eating style and the food. I am just huge. Like a pregnant woman. So I am just doing whatever it takes to lose it. Its funny, but I swear that caffeine as much as it supposedly gives you energy, actually just tires the hell out of you. I think it actually exhausts you. I really just feel exhausted all the time. But wired.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
So I'm here in this new office now. I am still not used to it. But I like it. I have decided to try to completely separate from Cleopatra and the businesses that we have together as much as possible. Its really like starting over. Just totally starting over. I'm used to having this very large staff working for me and now its just me since my assistant moved to Boston. I'm not rehiring one because honestly I just don't have the money from the record company yet. So if I'm not working at the other companies and I'm just trying to work at building the band and the record company then I'm just going to have to go it alone right now. so yes its fucking very weird. I'm used to being a CEO at two multi-million dollar companies by day and a singer/songwriter by night, trying to build a fledgling independent record label with a small staff. and I'm used to all the expected benefits that go along with being in that position. So now its like when I need an office supply its like I have to find a way to get it myself. Its pretty weird. Or when I need lunch I have to call for it myself. Or booking appointments, or booking travel, or just fucking anything. God just writing this is fucking depressing me. I have to even pay my own bills. I haven't even been in a bank in seven years. I haven't licked a stamp in ??? I don't know, years. the other day I went to the post office for the first time since I think the mid nineties. That will definitely be the first and last time I ever go to a fucking us post office. I can’t believe people deal with those lines. No sensible person would. So even errands I will run myself for a while. Facts are facts. I resigned. I am no longer the CEO of two huge companies; I am just a singer now, trying to get his band and his record company to actually make money rather than just spend money. A daunting task. I am CEO now of a very small company that cannot even afford to pay me. so that's the facts. So no assistant. But as I write this I smile, because we may be under funded, but I am still smart. I am still the brilliant entrepreneur I always have been. I have built many businesses up from nothing and I will do the same with this one. I believe in it. I believe in the music we are making as a band. And I believe in myself as a songwriter. And as a business man and entrepreneur. But none of that is making it easy...
O.k. read this message below first. FYI, friendster is a relatively new internet site where you can post your picture and other info about yourself and have all your friends join you and meet new people through all your friends. Its very cool and very popular right now in America. The creators started it as a free service just to test the market and work out all the kinks. Now they are saying they are about to start charging a fee for the service (duh) and a lot of the people who use the service are freaking out and trying to stop them. Read below for an example of what people post:
friendster fee update:
Its Working. Friendster owner held back the
paying shyt fee another month. Hopefully if you
all jus keep on copying this to your bulletin
boards. The friendster staff will not go through
with the paying plan on friendster. I know I
don’t want to have to pay for friendster and so
do you to get full privileges right? Come on and
and repost this bulletin on your friendster
account to get this world wide.
PLEASE DONT REPLY TO THIS. JUST
PASTE IT ON YOUR BULLETIN BOARD.
Here's the address to the corporate HQ for
415 N. Mary Ave., Suite 112-280
Sunnyvale, CA 94085
Phone: (650) 618-2638
Fax: (650) 618-2527
Check-it: You know about the whole paying
thing fuck-it. This 6 degrees of separation
thing is super powerful. That's why network
marketing exists today. My personal network
something like 800,000 people or some shit.
we post this bulletin all over friendster we
could possibly pressure Friendster to not
Forget the email thing cuz anyone at the corp.
HQ can just delete like 1000 emails, but if we
all bring it back to the old school and snail
mail their asses to NOT start charging, we
could flood them. yay!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone should repost this message on the
I find this hysterical. Lets be real for a second. The people who post messages like this and who don't want to pay for things are usually young people, college or just out, and usually poor. Not in a derogatory sense at all. Just you know, people who don't have any money. They don't have any money so they can’t pay for a lot of stuff. So they download (shoplift) tons of music and movies and whatever else they can get their hands on and they don't pay for it. That’s what your supposed to do when you’re a kid. But I think what happens when you get older, and I don't mean chronologically, but when you cross that line, from being broke and wanting everything for nothing, to having some money of your own and knowing what its like to work hard for that money, is that you develop a real respect for the value of things, and the value of people. When you’re poor you hate everyone who’s rich. You think everything should be free and you’re mad at the world that everything isn't free. And then all of a sudden after a rather rough and tumble decade in your twenties you wake up one day and you have stuff. You have money. You realize that you just worked your ass off for the last few years and you value that. You value yourself. And you value others around you who also have stuff. Who have money. And who have goods and services that you want. Because all of a sudden you have found your niche. You know your own value and you don't mind profiting from it. In fact you welcome it. You realize that this fair exchange of my goods and services for your money or goods or services is a wonderful thing, and vice versa. And life goes on in a very prosperous free enterprise system for all of us.
Me and Bas and the Tortoise riding around sobe on Sunday, top down, hot sun beating down. I'm cranking Beyonce and Jay Z. Bas is hating it. Tortoise is hating it. I'm loving it. “Man those fucking sluts,” Bas mumbles to no one. “who dog?” “those sluts from sex and the city.” “Well dude you know its not real you know. it’s a book. It’s a TV show.” “ I know that. but it doesn’t matter. Its still having an influence. and I don't like it. why do they have to act like that?” “I don't know man. But its gross. I agree with you.” “But it’s a catch 22 though, cause its cool that they're talking about all this stuff because girls should be allowed to talk about sex too. But I'm torn by it. Cause why do they have to be so slutty about it...” “we don't want our girls to be slutty like that. we want them to be princesses.” “Hey man, the good ones still are bro...” “Yea but not if they keep watching all this stuff. These TV shows try to make it cool for chicks to be whores. What kind of a world are we living in?” “Easy for us to say. We’re the biggest sluts there are. like all men.” “Yea but that's just it. We’re men. Its different. Like I said man. I don't like it....” We drove silently down the causeway. I made a mental note to write about our conversation when I got home. And the rest of the way to the beach I thought about what we were saying. Bas is right. God by the time the media and the entertainment world is done with us, are there going to be any decent women left in the world? Any decent people for that matter? Will there be anything remotely moral or ethical or pure or righteous left in us by the time we’re all done selling to each other and exploiting each other and profiting from each other in any way we can regardless of the cost? “We are becoming slaves to the dollar! That's what's fucking happening! And the possibility of celebrity. That's what reality TV is fucking all about man! Selling our souls for anything. For fame or money or anything that even remotely resembles it.” he stared out his own window. He never even turned to face us as he rambled on and on.
“Hollywood is the new church. That's our religion now. People don't care about their souls anymore. People don't care about God. What they care about is money. and fame. And feeling like somebody. And they don't care what they have to do to even get close to that.” I joined in. “The crass commercialization of all things is making nothing sacred in this world and rendering everything there is fair game to profaning. That's the problem.” “Where the fuck do you guys come up with this stuff?” The Tortoise asked us poking his head up from the back seat. “Would you guys just shut the fuck up?! Sp we can enjoy our Sunday?! And turn up the music.” Bas continued: “Girls wonder why we cycle through them so fast not even giving them a chance. Maybe if we could find one who doesn’t think that its alright to say the word cock in public just because some fucking slut actress does it on TV every week, then maybe they’d get a chance! Where are all the decent girls now in this world?!” “I couldn’t agree with you more. I can’t believe the way girls talk now. Its gross. You don't want to hear some girl using curse words.” “You guys are whacked,” The Tortoise said and leaned back in his seat. “I like it when a girl says cock. You guys sound like old ladies. From another generation. From another world.” Tortoise chimes in. “That's gross. You may like it when some girl your banging says cock in the privacy of your bedroom... or the bathroom stall....” “haha! What's up?” “But that doesn’t mean you want your wife ever saying that word. Or maybe you do, but that's your business. But that's what we’re talking about man. Its different.” “Whatever dog. I don't mind if my wife says cock.” I looked over at Bas in the passenger seat. Maybe it really was just he and I. Just the way we were raised. Are we that old-fashioned? For me, I couldn’t imagine spending any time with a girl who would even think about saying the word. In public or private. Why would she? That's not what we want from our girlfriends or wives. You know there are still some guys who want girls to be girls.
Current read: Bryson’s dictionary of troublesome words, by Bill Bryson.
And of course still reading PEAK EVOLUTION. Just a few paragraphs a day. savoring it.
Last screening: Blues by Martin Scorsese. He has made this ten hour documentary by seven different directors chronicling the blues. Featured great scenes with one of my all time musical heroes, Ali farka toure in his hometown of niafunke, Mali in Africa. It was great to see him play and speak like that so casually. Learned a lot about the early blues.
“When does it stop being about me and turn into literature? Can it hint at it? Does it? Should it?”
“Man when does it stop being literature and show the real you is what is important here. You have to push it beyond just literature. Head into the world of literature, but keep it real man. We get enough literature out there... reality is where its at man...”
“But goddamn man. Its my fucking life.”
“Yea man. And that's what makes it cool. Keep it real bro. Keep it real...”
Monday, September 22, 2003
>From: the Poet [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
>Sent: Monday, September 22, 2003 4:49 PM
>So here we are, in the vastness of Cyberspace. This note, from
>Transcendent drummer extraordinaire, The Poet, is for my fellow Transcenders, whether in the
>band instrumentally or just spiritually.
>I first came upon Transcendence through my friend Matt Lapland, an
>engineer at the Dungeon studios. Our band at the time was essentially
>inactive, so I
>jumped at the chance to "play a few gigs for our band" when Fishy asked me to. I met the guys, and they all seemed nice.
>That was about to be boring. Blah blah. I did play a few gigs with
>the band, they were cool, I wish I would have played better, shit in my
>personal life got really heavy this summer, I wrote and produced a
>movie, went broke,
>and left town.
>Now that the summary of my time in Transcendence is out of the way,
>have fun, but be serious.
>First, stream of consciousness word associations with all the
>The Piano man-- good, serious, Spanish, busy,
>Father Bloopy-- quiet, funny, looks like my friend Nick, elastic
>Vancouver-- nice, everywhere, playing all the time, hair everywhere
>The Ambassador, better known as Fishy —sexual, uninhibited, confident, idealist
>That was next to pointless, but hopefully some small truths were
>So I was listening to the cd of some of the rough cuts of new
>Transcendence songs that I played on. And I'm listening to it, and
>then it hits me-- coax. That is the word. COAX. The way I played on
>some of this stuff. It
>was unlike how I'd ever played. Partially because the bands I played in
>have been nothing like Transcendence musically, but partially because
>everyone in the band CARED so much about what I was playing, as much as
>what they were playing. And we tried it, and I did my thing, just the
>normal Poet thing, and sometimes, it was like, "No, not quite, that thing is fine, the Poet thing, but let's push the thing," and we did and it came
>out to be
>some really beautiful stuff. It was COAXED. Not forced. Just took a
>of PRODDING. I can't lie, the stuff I played with Transcendence was
>than perfect. It all happened so fast. As soon as I was discovering
>new angle, getting over this new hurdle, it was on record and finished
>shit got heavy in my personal life and I produced a movie and went broke
>moved away-- all before my feet even hit the ground on the other side of
>But nonetheless, the whole Transcendence experience, particularly the
>recording of the upcoming, yet to be titled, yet to be finished album,
>was amazing. That's where it really started for me. Rehearsals 6:03
>to 9 on
>Tuesdays at Fishy's were fine, because I was learning the songs and
>the guys' playing and their vibe and all that stuff, but it was in
>studio, with the Chicken Kitchen orders, and the beating the shit out of
>drums because you can't get the part, and the get there at 7 and leave
>or six or seven hours later, that's where it happened for me as far as
>really being in the band. And it was all so heavy, because we were
>this music off the cuff, and making it so quickly and passionately. I
>could have sunk even deeper into it. But circumstances you know.
>So I'm here, in St. Louis, and I throw in the Transcendence rough cuts
>with me and the guys on them, and I am blasting it in my car, and I am
> I am loving the sound of a RECORDED COAXING coming out of the drums,
>Fishy's galvanized, laser beam voice and Vancouver treating the guitar part like
>Jackson Pollack tossing paint all over a wall size canvas, and Bloopy
>low but stealing the show, because you can't hold a good man down, and
>can't make Bloopy play the same thing two bars in a row, because if you did
>would be a waste because he can play it four different versions of just
>right. And I'm loving it.
>these guys are geniuses. I will miss playing with them...
>Well, Transcenders, it's been a pleasure sharing some of my experience
>from the band with you. Let love rule. Peace.
Me and Infinito went to see Jorge Ben Jor in concert tonight.
And then off to some sobe party...
Bas says “are you drunk? Cause I'm pretty wasted...”
“I've been drunker. Can you say that? Drunker?”
“You can say whatever you want to man. It’s a party. Have a seat....”
Last screening: The dream is alive, the Imax movie. Basically a NASA propaganda film to try to keep people inspired by the billions of dollars. You sit through 25 minutes of footage of various space shuttle launches and landings and in flight experiments and walk away with a funny feeling that America is wasting billions of dollars on something they call “the space program.” We hear everyday how over four million people have lost their jobs in the last two years. How there are over 20 million orphans in Africa because their parents have recently died from aids. How we can’t have health insurance here in America for all of the citizens. And the list goes on and on. And yet we sit through this stupid fucking movie showing these astronauts float needlessly in space doing nothing and spending billions of this country’s tax dollars on it. And yet we can’t straighten things out here on earth. Everyday on my way to the office I have to drive by countless bums and homeless people lying in the streets and gutters. But for some reason there isn't much that we can do for them either. But we have all this extra money for these space shuttles and space stations. Its funny cause I love the space program. I eat it up. I really am as obsessed with space and the exploration of space as I am with anything else, but I just feel like we need to give it a break for a while until we can really straighten out things here on earth first. I just can’t believe I live here on earth and things are as screwy as they really are. you see it everyday—things so backwards like this—but you don't believe it.
The ultra-cool new K street dedicated its entire show this week to the illegal downloading of music. What I like to call digital shoplifting, or should we call it...
My dearest Michigan
Ahh you stumbled upon the grandest of all themes for artists and coffee house beatniks worldwide. art for its own sake. to starve or not to starve! That is the question.
but alas many find that after some deep soul searching and a few years struggling for no reason that it is just a unfortunate misconception in mass consciousness---this belief that if you make money at your art that you are somehow not an artist. its funny cause so many people believe this. and of course this sets them on the course of feeling like they have to choose between what they love doing and making money.... common theme. leads to future depression, divorce, and abusing their children later in life because "they could have been somebody."
But the i assert that the opposite is true. and for the meantime i am in the minority. but we are the happy healthy successful and wealthy minority. that those who choose to not make money with their art but instead make money from some job that they think they have to do to make money are actually, or even worse, they do their art but starve and struggle their whole life because they believe that that is the role of the artist, that somehow there is an "us versus them," a war between the "haves and the have nots" .... these poor souls... the world is full of them. many of them are my friends.
But are they artists? well if you don’t believe in your art enough to make it your living, to really go out there and do whatever it takes to believe in it and actually (Gasp!) make money from it just like you would from anything else, well not only will never really be happy---i mean truly fucking jumping up and down bouncing off the walls happy---but you will never really be able to fully express your art in all of its glorious potential because it will always hold for that person an air of "hobby," i.e.: not real.
And yet in the digital downloading controversy—its coming from everywhere right now. On the tips of everyone’s tongues evidently. Anyway, this is from some wacky creative designer out in San Fran. The guy makes a few points, most of them rather surface and not too well thought out. But it helps to understand the mindset of these people. The article and my response are below:
Dear Music Industry.
Wednesday, September 17
Hi there. I just wanted to say, fuck you. You have stolen so much money from me and everyone I know that it's hard for me to feel sorry for you. Sue some 12 year old girl for downloading music? That takes some balls. Fight this all you want and I will hate you even more. Do you know how many people bought an album, then bought the same thing on tape, then bought the same thing on CD? Do you know much money you made off of each person as they re-bought music they had once paid a fortune for? I don't think you do.
Hey bro, no one stole any money from you. you bought music because you wanted it. Period. No one forced you too. and another thing you big cry baby. No one forced you to buy your favorite CDs on three different formats like records, tapes, and cds. You did it because you wanted to. are you going to complain next time you buy a new car because you want all the newest technology in that new car versus your old one? Cds were technologically better so you decided to buy them. O.k. cool. What's your point?
So you sue a 12 year old girl. She obviously was eating into your profits. You could see how she had masterminded a way to screw you out of everything you so rightfully deserve. She got what she deserved, right? Steal from the music industry and you get slapped. That's the lesson you taught us, right?
Uuuuhhhh yea. What is it about “thou shall not steal” that you do not understand?
We all pay your inflated prices so you can produce crappy music and force good bands to put out "now" sounding music so they can sell more records. Everyone needs to sell more records. I mean, if your record doesn't sell a million copies your a failure right? Bullshit. Your business model is all fucked up.
Listen, if you think the business model is fucked up, then start a business model of your own that's not. This is America. Its not only allowed but encouraged. Please do. but don't use your opinion that “their business model is all fucked up” as a way of justifying you or anyone else stealing. Why is this so hard for some people to understand?
Most of the artists don't get much more than a dime. You give them pennies as you sue 12 year old girls, making their parents cough up $2,000 of their hard earned money. You seem to think you have a hold on everything. I am here to tell you don't. Your grip is slipping so fast. It's right in front of your face and you are just too stupid to know it.
This is where the guy kind of slips off the deep end. sounding more like a serial killer. It is true that us artists don't get a lot per CD sold—but its more like a dollar not a dime... Still doesn’t give any one a reason to start stealing from us. and that 12 year old girl who is stealing songs everyday? If her parents only had to cough up $2000 then consider them lucky. They are lucky that the girl is not in juvenile somewhere, as she would be if she went into a store and stole the music, which is exactly what she is doing: stealing.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Went to Madelynne O'Ryans house tonight for dinner. She and Mohdie are in town. Maddie is pregnant now. She looks so beautiful and sweet and happy. Mohdie is so cool now. You can tell he's really happy that she is preg. I felt such joy being there with them. Their family means so much to me. They have been my second family for a very long time. It is so nice. I have the same thing with Cleo’s family as well. And I really hope that all the problems between us don’t ruin that.
Long time. How is the fastest pen (computer) in the west?
I have to take time to answer your email... so much. But I just read your response about downloading. wow. Ok. Babe,. just because we have discovered a way to steal stuff doesn’t make it right. And just because you (people in general) don’t like the "insert your derogatory expletives here about the" corporate types who own the companies we work for" doesn’t all of a sudden justify stealing from them or the artists they work with. I know you know this. You are too smart not to. But I know how easy it is to find the mind searching desperately for ways to justify stealing or other such acts when they seem really really easy and appear that we may not get caught for them.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
As always walking the fine line between grace and the gutter. Researching porno right now. I always thought pornos were gross. I don't know why. I am sure as with most things its just the way I was programmed when I was younger. So growing up I never paid attention to them. In high school and college when guys would get into them I just really thought they were gross. Porno. Just the word conjures up images of uneducated trailer trash. Sex without soul. I never had a need for porno because I always had girlfriends. So I just never really understood the need or the concept of them. What were they for? One time Queenie wanted us to watch one. So we did. That was cool. We hit it pretty quick into it. They do turn you on I guess. Sometimes. But they also disgust you at the same.
Recently on a file sharing program, which is much like porno actually—its as exciting as it is disgusting, I accidentally came across a little porno video online. So keeping in line with my current mission, I decided to check them out. Its amazing. You can type in anything and find it online. Type in fat chicks sex and you can see fifty porno’s of fat girls getting it. Or skinny chicks. Or young chicks. Or older chicks. Or black chicks. Or gay chicks. Or Asian chicks. Type in orgy or gang bang or anal. Its really amazing. I once heard that the porn industry makes more money per year than all American major league sports combined. Even football. I couldn’t believe it. But now I understand. Its just this huge industry that so many people are into. So for the last few weeks I have been researching it a lot.
Last screening: Noel Coward’s 1946 Blithe Spirit with Rex Harrison. Funny.
Friday, September 19, 2003
I JUST Got to the new office. I was at the old office all day. :
fo shizzle dizzle
This is wild. a virtual office. I am going to try to do this in the design district.
With our building. its awesome
Your best of the year
I walk in with my laptop and I plug into an Ethernet cable and I'm online like WHAM! And I have my own desk and phone.
Can you pull enough $$ for the mortgage out of small rents?
It’s brilliant here. copy machine and fax machine included.
Hell yes. This guy charges 500 a month for this desk plus about 70 for phone and Internet.
Is it clean, modern & neat or messy and old like 119
Sorry on the phone. It is clean
Modern. South Beach.
If I were you I’d put some money into 119
What a fucking concept
Yea I know.
Make it modern
People are willing to pay
Make it like GTC
Cheap but clean
It’s an idea---rather than rent out the whole floor just rent out the little spaces
Moved into a new office today. Sharing space with a bunch of other people. Just a place to go to sit and work everyday rather than my old office. Sitting in this huge office space with like fifty other people---everyone doing their own thing. Strange. I told the guy I would try it for a few days. I can tell its not my thing. My current office, the one I've had for the last few years, is over a thousand square feet. I have a driving range and a basketball hoop in there. I can listen to music really loudly while I work. So coming into this kind of environment is a huge change. But anything just to keep making progress towards a complete transition. I figure I will only need an office for a few months so it has been hard trying to find some place that will lease for less than a year. But now I am dead set on moving to new York this year and not waiting any longer. So I just need a place to come everyday and work on promoting the new album and plan the move to NYC. I'm not good at working from home. Never have been. Makes me feel weird.
At dinner tonight Bas says, “God I have been witness to such monstrosities by the women the last few years since I have been here."
“What do you mean?”
“Just the girls down here. They are so different. They are like nothing else around America. They are just so harsh. So ghetto.”
“I think what you mean is that they’re fucking sluts man,” I say.
“Exactly. And that's the way we like em,” says Ferret.
“I just can’t believe the things that come out of their mouths or the things they do. And I think its rubbed off on us. I think we’re all monsters now.”
“Speak for yourself man,” I say. “I'm still the same. Last night the Artisan was telling me I reminded her about manners and being a decent human being in a world full of scum. Face it man. It’s not just Miami. It’s the whole fucking country. Its going down,” I say. “Look at this shit with Madonna and that little tramp of the month... what's her name.”