Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Sept 28th Another dream of killing

Sept 28th
Another dream of killing. This time a killing spree. It lasted hours, days. it was this whole plan to kill all of these people. lots of blood. It wasn't just me involved. I awoke throughout the night to a horror at what I was seeing. Several times I awake in the night from the dream and coughed and gagged and felt as though I could not breathe. Only to fall back asleep into the same dream again. it was our old family home in the dream but one I have never seen. we killed a lady. We killed a man. we chopped them up. I believe mom was with me. we did our best not to talk about it. not to think about it. we all pretended that it didn't happen. that it never happened. The whole time I walked through the dream and had these conversations with mom and Beav and others I kept thinking why aren't we talking about what just happened. And isn't it amazing that we don't see any blood or any body parts...

God there were body parts everywhere... we were chopping up body parts. There was this girl, so disturbing, and she was speaking and stuff and I had already gone forward in time and seen us kill her and now I was back in time and knew we were going to kill her and there we were, and I think she was heavily drugged and didn't realize that she was about to be killed, and that she was sitting there amongst other dead people, we did our best to hide all these body parts.... I remember feeling awful about it. and yet that the whole thing was necessary...

Its funny the way dreams are, the way we wake up and cannot entirely remember in waking state the graphic details of our dreams... perhaps a protectionist default so we don't go mad.

I kept waking up during the night in these coughing spasms my nose running and as I would rub my nose with my arm I fully expected to see all this blood on my arm or hand. I expected it. I was completely immersed in this dream. No matter how many times I woke up or went back to sleep I was back in the same dream all night: we had just killed a bunch of people. again the feeling was that we had to. that we had no choice in it. I felt so bad for killing this lady. And this man. the lady saw the man under the water and she kept asking questions and we kept lying to her as if everything was fine but we were killing her and she was in shock she was like back to a child’s mind from shock and we kept killing her and chopping her up... and we kept speaking to her as if everything was fine.... everything was going to be fine... and we just kept looking at each other with this whole other ulterior motive in our eyes.... we would do whatever necessary to kill her, to chop her body up, to get rid of her completely....

But I was feeling awful. And I had to keep trying to stuff down and shut out my feelings!

Man little Beav was there. the kid is an angel, right, so why the hell was he there? But its funny becasue he is always the one int he dream who is resonsible telling me that i have to make these killings and im always the one scared shitless and feeling guilty that we are killing people.... what is that?

The guy is the most angelic person I have ever known. it’s like he was born with no karma. He's just this good guy, walks through life doing no wrong and wanting no wrong... and he was there. and we were killing these people. I felt as though the whole thing was on me, my bad, my problem, and weird, but at one point we were underwater looking for body parts... and I could see perfectly underwater. I just opened my eyes and could see perfectly. Looking for body parts of the people that we had killed. Horrible.

Then we were in a different house and we were just about to get found out and arrested. Like two minutes away from it. I was fully aware no matter where I went in any other dream that we had just killed all these people and that we were going to get caught. People were starting to nose around the house. and although no matter where I looked I couldn’t see any body parts I had already gone into the future and seen us getting into trouble for it. so I waited. But had I? or was this just me assuming we were going to get caught? The feeling again that I got from this dream, inside of this dream, was that we had to do it. we had no choice. we had to do it. at one point I looked over the giant house we were in. and it was mammoth. I remember distinctly two things in that moment, one was this was such a big house that it was a waste, that we could have fit many other houses in it, and two was that mom said that we could use it as a haunted house, now that we were leaving it. we had to leave the house. it was marred. It was scarred. It was boarded up. dark, shuttered, covered. We were leaving. Were we dead as well? the house was certainly dead. We had killed all of these people in it and their bodies were now buried and stuffed all throughout the house. we were leaving. It was dark. Haunted. I felt haunted.

The nieces were there. a bunch of cute little smiling girls and I could not cover my shame or guilt. Though mom persisted in acting as if everything was fine... as if all I had to do was ‘now say hello to your nieces Fishy, be a good boy and be polite,” and everything would be fine, but I was so overcome with guilt and fear and shame that I could not even speak. I just tried to make small talk but felt like a pretender, an imposter. Little Ash, Tuesdays sister was there, she was the same little Ash, all sweet and innocent and peering up at me with those innocent brown child like brown eyes... and I was overcome with guilt and shame and horror of who I was as we spoke, feeling entirely undeserving to be in her presence or be speaking with her. as if I might taint her with my presence.

I am awake now. I am horrified. I must have dreamed this dream for hours last night. I woke up and felt awful. Horrified. Terrified. Sick. Sickened. Guilty. Ashamed. Disturbed. Frightened. what am I doing in my life right now that is bringing on these dreams of murder? Who am I killing? what am I killing? There is a wrong turn I have made somewhere recently. and I can feel it. the voice in my head tells me that I have taken a wrong turn and that I am killing something. something important. that through certain decisions I have made, and am making, that I am murdering something and will not be able to get it back. God tell me what the fuck I am killing! Tell me what the fuck I am doing that needs to be stopped now and I will do it! what am I murdering? Who am I deceiving? Is it just the way I am living? Irresponsibly bouncing from one easy task to another with no real discipline in my life, no real direction.... stagnating, profligating, pussy-footing, easy-streeting. Is that it?

It is true, there are specific decisions I am making that are leading me down the wrong path and I know it. but continue to do them anyway.

I know what I need to do. I know the mistakes I am making. I know the weaknesses. I need discipline. I need to exercise the will. I have become weaker in the last year than at almost any other time in my life. waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Instead of doing anything.... and perhaps this is what I am murdering.... my future. Perhaps through this utter lack of will and discipline and this wanton wandering from one easy self gratification experience to another I am slowly but resolutely killing my future, my potential, my destiny.

I believe this is it. I am choosing to kill deliberately but telling myself that I have no choice in it. I make the decision. Take the action. Forget that I made the decision. Pretend I am the victim so as not to take responsibility. feel foreced into doing something that i really wanted to do... An old game.


It is later. I am on the subway. And I am listening to this song ‘hello my dove’ on my ipod over and over again. I cannot stop listening to it. I think it is the best song I have written all year. and that says a lot. this has been an amazing year for songwriting. Unheralded. Though as Infinito points out, I say that about every year of songwriting and every song I write.

So I'm listening to this song and I'm just sitting there riding along with everyone else and I'm feeling this usual intense of feeling of self obsessed woe is me as we all are riding along in our own private subway train lives.... everyone staring off into the distance.... distant. Reflective. Pensive.

I'm not sure what happened, but one minute I am sitting in woe is me seriousness about that dream I had or whatever and in the next moment I realize from being there on the subway and listening to this music and looking at everyone else... that this is life... this is what life is all about. all of a sudden I realized that I didn't need to take it so seriously... you know, and even if I did it wouldn’t matter because that's what life’s about. taking it seriously, taking it not so seriously, I mean, when we see those movies about life where things are fucked and people are on the subway or in their car and they're sad or lonely or worried or upset, that is fucking us there. That's fucking me right now. On this subway car. I'm one of those people who is a little sad or worried or preoccupied riding on a train... and man there was freedom in that. I just understood there that that is what life is all about. holy shit. I'm living life. I'm alive and this is what life is all about. wow. total freedom in that. and i realized that all of this stuff that i am feeling, that we all feel from time to time... thats all part of living the life. and the life is a great thing to be living.

Here's one from the morning train:

Collaborate with me

Collaborate with me
Heavens daughter
My Goddess of inspiration
Celebrate with me
My Aphrodite
Your dancing fingers
Across my past and futures
But I will not make love with you

But rather keep flame the burning
Brighter with each passing night
As new poetry is birthed
From our spirited plane

I wish I could sleep with you
Bond with you
Melt with you
See eye to eye with you
And become one with you
Body to body
And lust to lust
Enraptured in midnight
From dawn until dusk

To get over you
I would do just about anything
To become one with you
I would do more
To touch you see you
Naked and vulnerable
And bond with your thunder
Great Athena
There is no treasure I would not steal or plunder

You taught me to breathe
In a different way entirely
Blowing your great graceful wind
Through the sails of my stagnant stilted lungs
An appreciating cough
I Gasp and Wake up
Set free
With fresh eyes
To see the world anew
And set off
To new adventures
On new horizons
To bring back offers
Of treasures and pleasures
To please you and thank you
And fill up your coffers

Yet on my own
Though still breathing
Through you
At times you may chuckle
For my poeming is new
Synchronized breathing
The leash stretching each day
Inch by inch
And foot by foot
I am poeming madly
But gladly

I surrender to your inspiration
My Dionysus
With exasperation
I succumb to this obsession
My maiden muse of passion

Lightening continues to strike chords
Of new song
So I continue to play along
As you keep poeming me
Challenging me
Denying me
Ebb and flowing me
Communicating me
Yet still berating me
Excommunicate escape me
I see through your paper walls
And the dimly lit hallways
Of your tip toes and shushing me
In our theatre of this great mystery
And I laugh
At your sullen protests
That our vision
Is revisionist history

Brick by brick
She single strokes me
With a laugh
That shudders and invokes me
To new heights and new depths
Building me up and
Taking me down
Drawing her sword
And piercing my liquidity
My partner in no-crime
My thorny queen and her crown

My gracious maid of honor and horror
Watch us with me
From above and below
As we build to a great crashing crescendo
Of delicacy
And thunder
Resonating profoundly
And shaking the walls of our chapel within
Our past has already been sold
Our futures already been told
And so I am content
With this grace and this sin
With this duel and its din
With you clothed
For now
In feathers of soft white
Silver and gold

Sept 27th
Each day it gets darker and colder here in Gotham. An associate tells me yesterday in passing, ‘I cannot enjoy the fall because all I can think of is the coming winter.’ I tell him I agree. I ma dreading it. dreading it. why does it have to be cold? A bitter chill awakens us now. Already the darkness brooding by noon. It is now 59 effing degrees here and we are still in September. We haven't even had a fall yet! Fuck this weather.

New York, NY

Temp: 59°F (15°C)

Still poeming madly. Daily. Finding a new brain. I just cannot believe it, but I am seriously fucking poeming. And I cannot express the joy I get out of this exercise. Song and poem coming together under one roof. In my speech and in my thoughts now. dreaming in poetry.

I had always looked at it like one of those impossible things that I would just never one appreciate or two ever be able to do myself. Always seemed too complicated for my ADD mind... Your ease encouragement and enthusiasm has been totally awesome and rocked my prose-writing ass into a whole new world. It has certainly gotten me off on a tangent. {thank God you didn't teach me to kill.... there’d be no one left in the city!]

[this is from the diaries]
On poeming:
One thing I have noticed from sitting on all of these poems and working at them everyday is that there seem to be a few rules. (Such as “there are no rules” or “want to write a really great poem? Break some rules.”) Two more of them being: one: the more you let a poem simmer, the better its going to taste when you serve it. AND: But if you let a poem simmer too long or mess with it too much you are going to burn it. So one needs to strike a delicate balance between those two rules.

My mom is not known as a good cook. She's a three-PhD holding raving lunatic of an intellectual to say the least, so being in the kitchen was never her thing. But she did perfect two dishes. One is her spaghetti sauce. Every one loves her spaghetti sauce. It’s a meal in itself and you don't really need any pasta with it. its just this big rich tasty dark-red stew of God knows what but boy does it taste good. of course the only problem is that an hour or two later you have to be prepared to spend some good long quality reading time in the you know where. But luckily mom’s bathrooms look more like libraries so there's plenty of reading material.

The other dish that she is famous for is her soup. now I'm not sure if she ever came up with a name for it so we just call it moms soup. She makes both dishes in these giant crock pots and she needs about three days till either dish is ready to be eaten. It’s a big no-no to try to eat it or even try it until the end of the third day. she never wants to profane the sacredness of these classic dishes by anyone dipping in too early... so we respect the process... unless we come home drunk and famished one night and mom’s asleep... but that's another story.

The point is that the only way she can get these dishes to taste so darn good is through this very long drawn out low temperature simmering process of all these different ingredients. Three damn days. But a big bowl of that soup and a few chunks of fresh Italian bread and you are in heaven.

I have come to understand that poeming is like that. you jot. You note. you amend. You rework. You read aloud. You add a little bit. Take away a little bit. And eventually you have something you can really be proud of. Songwriting is like that too of course. the best songs are the ones that you let brew for a few months or years before recording them. till they are completely your own. till you own them. till they own you. till you own each other.

PS – when you read them aloud, that's where the true power of poeming is I have come to realize.

I See You People

I see you people
In all your color
New York is such funny place
With your running and scrambling
And your getting ahead
Your green pointed boots
And pink sweaters
With your stairs and stares
And your beauty on every corner
And down every sidewalk
With your sirens
In silk suits
And sly smiles
And those tiny dogs
Smelling and smiling up the city streets

I see you people
With your quick step
And your hop along skip
And your cell phone appendage
And ipod
On your bikes and rollerblades
And your funny floppy hats
That cannot help but elicit a smile
With your pumas
And pajamas
And Asian fashion statements
Fancy handbags
And the cling clang of your bicycle chains

I see you people
On our sidewalks of gold
Eating your ice cream from a cup
With a little plastic spoon
Italian horn rimmed glasses
Ripped jeans
And sleeveless shirts
Showing your muscle
To the envy of the rest of the civilized world
With your cool and sober commentary
By just your being
Who can make a t-shirt look better
Than a New Yorker

I see you people
In the clickity clack
Of your subway trains
And knap sacks
Bouncing off your shoulder
Your endless bounty of events
Always wearing black
And your shades in the night
All dolled up and too many places to go
No one looks better in a suit and sneakers

I see you people
And all of your color
You New York Jew
You African American
You Italian American
You Irish immigrant
You Hispanic and Latino
I see you people
Climbing out of your ghetto
To face another day
You Korean behind the counter
With your high priced goods
That I'm going to buy anyway
Because I like drinking my beer from a can
Wrapped in a brown paper bag

I see you people
With your working class nose to the grindstone
You English tea
And French toast
With your German engineering
And your Chinese ambition
You us you me you us you me
In our displaced diaspora
That forever belongs
In this city of all cities
That doesn’t sleep
That Needs no sleep
That Doesn’t question
That Never answers
That Only beckons

I see you people
With your hot fireman suit
In your big red truck
That gun in your holster
Protecting the great city
By day and by night
I see you shuffling
With your dastcund lagging behind you
The Daily News tucked under your tired arm

I see you people
With your nose in the air
And your perky breasts
Bouncing merrily on the way to somewhere
A mystery in black
With your Beagles and pugs
And your giant sheep dogs
Your Champaign cavaliers
And your black limousines
Your Mercedes and Beamers
And your big yellow taxis
And baby carriages
Pink lemonades
And hot dogs for a dollar

I see you people
Hunched over
And talking to yourself
Peeing in a phone booth
Before stopping to say hello
Clinging change in your cup
For a mission unworthy
If you're going to keep shooting it away
But I'm going to give anyway
Because man that cat can play

I see you people
And I love you

-----Original Message-----
From: The Poet []
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2005 3:01 PM
Subject: Just call me Fishy

Dude. im turning into you. Recently I've been taking baths and going to church. Maybe I'll grow my hair out, move to New York, and start banging men.

Call me. Your number is gone from my home.

The Poet


Yo dog brother,
Baths are awesome. God is awesome. Church is awesome. Long hair is oh so awesome. New York of course is awesome. And well, banging men, not sure about that one. I'll leave that to you. Let me know if its awesome too and i'll certainly try it.

My cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx. How the hell do you lose the ambassador's phone number?

Monday, September 26, 2005

Sept 26th Reeling. Thinking in poeming.

Sept 26th
All day symposium at columbia university regarding the furtherance of tibetan culture and the curriculum there. a small group of less than 300 of us. His holiness the Dalai Lama was there, his first time in the US in some time. Richard Gere was there of course. Robert Thurman. it is fascinating to me that the United States still supports china’s occupation of tibet when the dalai lama is so popular all over the world, and yet calls its occupation of Iraq “operation freedom.” Utter hogwash. But a none too subtlly ironic sign of just how ignorant and generally gullible the American people are. not a bad get together for the most part. Met a lot of cool people. most of the conversation was way over my head though.

Reeling from poeming. Thinking in poeming now. poeming in thinking. poeming in speaking.
Yes that is where I am now.
It has been a rebirthing...

Shape shifter too
You will never be brought back around

You will never be brought back around
Though you’ll try
But in the blink of an eye
(Or the bat of an eyelash)
I am indeed behind you

And in front of you too
As you shudder and tremble
Late kissing Future kissing
Shape shifting Sword whispering
Time sifting
Through your heavenly hourglass frame
One grain at a time
Till my eyes are no longer denied

I may whirl like a dervish
But my heart rings as true
(and indeed this is what may frighten you)
As the bell at Saint Mary’s
Struck at the hour of midnight
Under a full moon
With you lying naked
And wanting
And yet fully clothed
For fear of your heart again abandoned

I stand at the top of this mountain
Sword drawn and glistening
Torch burning holding
Lips wet
To sing of your praises

In a falsetto tongue
Though my heart never sated
As you cling to your cries
Of a future broken-fated

Bleed your veins dry
In your daydreams
And seize every moment
But do not mistake
The favor of this sun
For a horse who can run
Without feeding

In your worm-holed mind
With your heart barely bleeding
You pierce the protector
And leave his receding
While you wait for your
Paper prince charming

Yet he stands at that mountain top
(though you claim not to see him)
Still singing your praises
In wet dreams
On rocks
In the streams of his gazes

Your paper walls
No match for his fire
Which melt them
And in so revealing
A floor-boarded heart
Naked shining and reeling
From a love that you never dared feeling

Sept 25th
-----Original Message-----
From: Fair Maiden Juliet []
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 4:57 PM
To: .: Fishy
Subject: RE: julia butterfly

boy have you been on my mind.
i got the message about the rocket ship, how is coming by the way?
you talking about julia butterfly hill? did polly tell you about that?
decided that i am going to learn mandarin, starting this year. it is aligned with what i want to study and where i want to be on my 40th birthday.
Fishy Fishy Fishy were you at the d.c. protest?
do you know what a touchstone is?
back to researching here in ye olde repository of knowledge.
do you know who alex grey is? ( i think that's the name-- new yorker--painter-- sacred transformational anatomy and...)
love YOU

You and Polly told me about julia hill. You told me I would fall in love with her. I believe I did. our rocket ship is coming along, slower than I expected... tell Okie and Athena to hang on...
You are going to learn mandarin? Wow. AFTER fucking French I want to learn an Asian language... I love the sound of them. and china would be your best bet. Economically speaking I mean... they are the new king on the block. did not go to the protest physically but sent out a message from the General. Did you receive it? a classic flash movie. Let me know. a touchstone = julia hill and her tree sit, or the 1999 Seattle protests, or the time I got my first period... yes? the first time I had sex with Annette from down the block... wow... Alex grey is a cult hero to many right now... I want to hook with that mofo. But I am so fucking broke right now I am having difficulty doing the usual ambassador activities. Keep up the good work Jules. See you soon. love you too. F

Sept 24th
The feminine says la la la la la la. C'mon lets play. The masculine says o.k. but kiss me. the fem says no way. that's gross. I don't feel that way about you. the masc says I know I know. I don't feel that way about you either. but kiss me anyway. The masc doesn’t know what to do with what they are experiencing... he tries to fit it into the boxes he knows best. its just that dance between the fem and the masc. and its beautiful and lovely and exhilarating. If not a little frustrating... that's all. but I will tell you this my love. You are not alone in it.

Sept 23rd
The big rich countries of the world are trying to bully the country of Iran to stop attempting to harness nuclear energy because they “don't believe” they are doing it for peaceful means – meaning that they may not be using it just for energy. They might be using it to build nuclear weapons... the irony of course is that the rest of these countries that are doing this to Iran all have large nuclear arsenals of nuclear weapons themselves already... hey as long as we can keep them below us so they can’t protect themselves then we can keep doing whatever we want to them... one assumes that's the idea... big bad bully imperialism at its finest. So they are threatening to impose economic sanctions on the country and its people. that's called blackmail in the real world of course. but in the fake world, they call it ‘starving the people of a country to force their government to do what we want because we are bigger and richer....) I'm so sick of the big tyrannical governments of the world. if they don't want Iran to have nuclear weapons then they might try to get rid of their own first, or shut the hell up.

Last screening: butterfly, the story of julia hill, known as butterfly, the girl who sat in that tall tree in cali in 97 to try to stop Pacific Lumber from cutting it down. [she stayed there for two years and got them to agree to protect 200 acres surrounding that tree finally before coming down.] Totally inspiring must see if you are activist minded. You will fall in love with her. Be inspired by her. she is a Princess. My God people what are we doing? What the hell are the rest of us doing if one person can do that?


A note on violent activism: studying the history of the Tsars of Russia, one is quickly and very effectively reminded of how violence in activism for positive social or political change is NOT the answer that WE are looking for. there was the time in the late eighteen-hundreds or early nineteen hundreds when this revolutionary group who was trying to free the Russian people from the tyrannical clutches of the tsars, and their device was to try to kill him. I don't remember which tsar it was. perhaps Alexander. And here is the irony. He knew there was a problem. he knew that things needed to change. He knew the people weren't happy. and he started the first parliament ever in Russia. He began making more and more changes to head the country to a more democratic system. But this revolutionary group who had good intentions but who were just misguided felt that the only way for total freedom and democracy was for them to kill the tsar. They attempted to assassinate him about ten times and finally they were successful – believe it or not sending something like five separate suicide bombers at once to his carriage. And that finally got him. But what happened was that then he became this kind of martyr to the average ignorant masses of Russia, and his son then became tsar and used this killing of his father- -the patriarch of the Russian people type of a propaganda tactic – to totally strip all the positive reforms that his father had initiated over the years and take the country back to complete autocratic rule even disbanding the parliament.

There was a good lesson in that for me. we are not out to kill or do violence. We must remember that is what we are fighting against. These Russian revolutionaries no matter their end goal or intention were wrong. they made a mistake. Not just morally. But in the end, they ended up reversing many of the goods that other activists had accomplished over the years for the great country of Russia. An important lesson and something we need to remind ourselves of when we get angry....

The other big lesson to be gained from this Russian revolution is that in the end because they weren't organized well enough and well versed enough in democratic systems they ended up going from the tyranny of the tsars right into the just as tyrannical clutches of Lenin and his twisted version of communism, which was just as bad on the people. just as autocratic and tyrannical and not-democratic.

Of course the French revolution brought us napoleon, a truly insane, though brilliant perhaps, evil murdering fuckhead bastard. So the bigger picture for future generations of peoploids is that revolution is not even the answer at this point any more. not in the strict sense of what the word normally connotes to most of us.

Though a slower process, we need to shift subtly to increased evolution of our own system, the republic system or democratic system. but it has to be slow and subtle and organized.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Sept 22nd G2 sends me this link to a page of pictures of Iranian women

Sept 22nd
G2 sends me this link to a page of pictures of Iranian women. We are saying that we think maybe Iranian women are the prettiest in the world...

I'm looking at that these photos and I'm thinking... about the fact that in Muslim tradition its o.k. if a man marries up to four women as long as he can satisfy them all... I wonder if I could live in a Muslim country. just move from here and go do that.... and I wonder if I could find four amazing women that I loved equally who could all be satisfied with being one of four wives to me... they would all have to be friends I guess. They would all have to have really great lives apart from the relationship so they were satisfied whenever my interest was aimed towards only one of them completely so they wouldn’t get upset. How the hell do you pull something off like that? would one of them appeal to you more than the rest? Would I bond with one of them the most? Or would it trade back and forth from time to time. perhaps we could all be best friends and even have big group sex together. that would be awesome. and imagine the possibilities with children... I could have so many kids, it would be amazing. I could easily have eight to ten children. Man, I have to move to Iran or Egypt or somewhere like that. then there would be no problem with having Princess Little Tree as a wife. No worry about having children or anything. And she could bring her kids. Cause they're awesome. And Juliet of course, because of her soul and brain. She could even bring her boyfriend if she wanted to. I don't think I'd mind. After all if I had four wives, she could have her boyfriend still. and then I could still have two more wives. Which would cover being able to have a super-hot Italian wife and a super smart well-mannered English wife as well. Imagine going to the opera with all four every season! With me right in the middle. And that my friends would be just about the dream life of all dream lives.

Sept 21st
Beaver and the Rat and the two girls are in Houston fucking Texas of all places right now and they have hurricane Rita headed right for ‘em. Because traffic has come to a dead stop, they have decided to stay home and not leave. No one can leave anyway. I'll tell you what bro, he tells me, God’s pissed off and this is the reckoning. He just gave New Orleans a high colonic and he's about to do it again.
Well if there are three places in America that God is going to destroy first, it would be Las Vegas and New Orleans you gotta figure. The Sodom and Gomorrah of modern times.
What's the third place?
Washington DC man. he's not letting those evil fuckhead bastards off easy. this is just the beginning. You gotta figure Gods looking at it like this at this point, you want to lie to your people and invade other countries and kill thousands of people for no reason like some modern day Russian dictator, then lets give you a little taste of your own medicine. Bad karma man. I don't think those guys even know what karma is.
Well it could just be the fact that we’ve fucked the environment up so bad.
Yep. Probably that too. either way we’re fucked.
Well are you guys going to be o.k.?
Yeah we’re all pretty hunkered down. Expecting the worst. Praying for the best.
Well good luck man. I'll be looking for you on the news...

Beav tells me, ‘I'll tell you what bro. when people watch CNN, I'm going to be the guy sitting on my roof with a bottle of 2001 Chateau Saint jean Merlot in one hand, my shotgun in the other, and Lou Reed blasting in the background.’ Hysterical laughs. brother Beav. My best friend.

Good luck bro. I'll be praying for you guys.

Last screening: confessions of a dangerous mind. Holy fucking shit. whatever that means. This movie was huge for me when I saw it the first time. even better now. just taking it in little doses. For inspiration. What a classic.

Go here to read a quick on the brilliant chuck barris, who is a definite but odd to be sure hero:

Man, its fucking 2am. Can’t sleep. The movie has reached that stoic point. The down turn. And I'm sitting there half awake half asleep in between worlds feeling every moment of it like its this wicked fucking mirror. Smoke too much drink too much drug too much think too much feel too much. Where is my Olivia? That's what I want to know. things are moving too effing slowly. I feel like I'm in some alternate universe. This legal battle has taken the wind out of me. forget the financial aspect of how it has affected me personally or my family and friends... just emotionally. The ambassador is all about the love and for the life of me I can’t quite get my fingers around it when I encounter others around us who don't think the same way. friendships are being challenged all over the country because of this battle. Lines being drawn and people being hurt. I find it emotionally taxing to think that others are being affected by this, something that could have been resolved so easily and so effortlessly if things would have just been handled in an honest manner. how easy it all would have been.

Cleopatra is insane. Her emails are insane. Our conversations are insane. I think that there is something there in all of us who don't recognize when we are dealing with someone who is outright insane... we keep rolling up our sleeves and thinking that anyday they are going to come around... I mention something to her today to the effect of ‘well we are healing from this. we are all going through our healing and in time it will get better....’ ever the trying Buddha. At least always trying. and she replies, ‘well that's irrelevant... I'm just talking about me.’ I was aghast. Everyone’s healing is irrelevant to her. all that was important to her was how she feels... I'm thinking to myself how the hell did I get someone like this in my life. and in the lives of my friends and family? I mean how did a person so far removed from the world that I and my closest companions occupy get into our lives? She then rambles on about her newest theory of how its all Madelyn O'Ryan's fault. That Maddie loved me too much, acted inappropriately, was too close to me during my relationship with her. as if to imply that because she was hurt by that, that it justified her actions over the last six months. That she was somehow justified in lying cheating stealing etc in the last six months because of the pain that she felt during our relationship over four years ago... I just sat there half listening, moaning inside for her pain and confusion and the pain it has caused everyone else... how one person can cause so much damage to so many others.... half in shock that I even know this person or ever shared love or a home with her. I finally told her that she was sick and that she needed help. I don't know what else to say to Cleo anymore. She lives in a dream world.

From a humane and karmic perspective, I have done just about all I can do with that being. I have tried unconditional love and tolerance. I have taken full responsibility for my part in all of it. written apologies, consistently given her the benefit of the doubt, listened to her ramblings about how upset she is about her this’s and that’s, made small talk about family to keep the doors of communication open, still befriend her family when they reach out, and more than anything, I have forgiven her unceasingly and have done everything I can do to settle our business amicably so it doesn’t go to court and get even more insane and so she doesn’t get into trouble. I do not believe at this time that she will ever wake up or come around. today I just realized that Cleopatra Ecstasy is a lost cause. Part of me still mourning the loss of that angel that I thought I met ten years ago who seemed so pure and so fresh and clean and good spirited... if there's yet another lesson here, it is that: “angels are as angels do” so to speak. It has nothing to do with what they look like or what comes out of someone’s mouth. It is all in our actions.

But tomorrow is indeed another day. and if there is one thing I have learned in this brief flame of life, its that when you go to bed upset you usually wake up feeling on top of the world. so indeed tomorrow is another day. and it won't come a minute too soon.

Current spin: Travis, 12 memories. This is a really really good album. Like all their albums. it is great. note, don't put yourself on the cover anymore. Not now. maybe later. this album is a turn off because it focuses on the members but the members aren't interesting enough to enthrall, BUT the music is, but that is minimized because there is a begging to focus on the members because they are on the cover. So that's it. hhhmmm. G2 has only been trying to get me to see that for about five years.... Hehe. But this is a really good album.

Sept 20th
Yes Tuesday continues to amaze me.... I sit in her backyard on the weekends and I smoke a nice cigar and write... and I peer up at her like an uncle or an older brother every now and then just to see what she is doing... I watch her do her thing... and I think to myself, a soul like this is not made. It is born. And it is a gift to the world.

Last screening: seven year itch with Marilyn Monroe. i had never seen this before but wanted to see it because it was filmed in my apartment here in the city. in fact, in the film Marilyn lives in my actual apartment. The one I live in now. there's that one scene where she drops the tomato plant off the balcony and she comes out to the balcony to speak with the guy down on the bottom floor and I'm like ‘holy shit she's standing there hanging our of my window! That's where I sit every night to smoke and write. I'm sitting there right now.’ It’s crazy to see the place and how it looked fifty years ago. I'm about thirty minutes into this movie now and don't think I will finish it. for the most part, its crap. just not my kind of movie. but it is fun to see the building like that. see Marilyn hanging out my window on the silver screen. Many years before this movie was filmed, in the twenties and thirties, the magnificent and infamous conductor Toscanini had come over from Italy to lead the New York Philharmonic and lived where? You guessed it. In my humble little apartment. Of course he had two floors, a two bedroom duplex at the time. now I have all of 400 square feet. But I think its just got this magic thing happening. I felt it the first moment I stepped in here and knew in that instant that I was going to call it home for a while. [I must confess the real magic may have been the bomb of an Israeli realtor, the Raven, that was really the magic for me.] But I've written some of my best songs in this little box they call a one bedroom here, though anywhere else in the country we would call it a closet. But there is a great energy here. seeing the place in the movie really confirmed it though: Buildings last. People die. we are after all very temporary things indeed. dust in the wind. Ideas. Impermanent particles floating in space in the grand scheme of something much larger than any one of us, made real only by our self awareness in the brief moments we wake up to the notion that ‘I am.’ In the bigger picture I will soon leave this place, like Marilyn, like Toscanini. But this building will still be here years after.

Current spin: blow up Hollywood. good stuff. slow moody ethereal. and Elliot sharp. Downtown New York avant garde orchestral art music. Love it.

Sept 19th
The king and lady Beth Ann flew into New York for the day and spent the night before their trip to uk to see sir Richard. I was supposed to be meeting with them since I was supposed to be in Paris by now. but due to this entanglement with Cleo, I am of course land locked at present on this little island instead. but we had a great day together. showed them the city a bit, central park. Breakfast at le pain quotidian, drinks overlooking the lake at the boat house, dinner at fig and olive with a few choice friends, Tuesday and Remy. A delicious time. great for our souls. the king indeed is one of my best friends. All day we spoke of conjuring.... lady Beth Ann is getting prettier and prettier and smarter and generally lovelier as time goes on. all of us becoming happier and more settled people as we get older. It is very nice.

Up by 6am to see them off. Wow. so that's what 6am looks like... realize the power in that. wrote for a few hours. could wake up earlier, spend some time writing... other things, not the diaries, and keep the diaries more brief. Would be more productive.

Back to bed by 8am to get some much needed quiet time and shut eye. I love sleep for what it seems to afford the spirit. It is very healing. The perfect way for the soul to integrate creations. I stayed asleep till my mind was smiling... you can tell... you begin to feel very at rest, peaceful, happy, content... yummy... and then I deliberately awoke to begin the day. just popped up. I've been a place lately where I don't even look at the time. I don't even own a clock anymore. If I need the actual time I can always look at the cell phone. [funny because these days no one seems to have a clock anymore. So if you are on the phone with someone and you ask what time it is and you are both on your phones then neither can tell the other the time.]

I dreamed about ArtHouse studio again. my old place, and my first real company.... I don't know why, but I dream about that place every few months... I go back there and it is a mess... this time was no exception. It was ransacked. The worst I have ever seen it in any dream. I always feel bad for letting it go and selling it in the dream, and I am always returning to take it back over and revive it.... what is that? was the best the time. then about our old house in pine ridge. Yes again. same dream always. Me and mom and Beaver are there. but we shouldn’t be because we are scared shitless that the wicked step father is going to come home and shoot us all and kill us. we are squatter in our own home... very upsetting. Every time. Always the same haunting dreams. need to find a way to integrate that part of my past... but how?

I also had a dream about Queenie... this is horrible but I dreamed that Beaver reminded me that I had killed her in an argument and we had put her dead body in the attic... he was now telling me that we had to get her out of there and go bury her in the woods behind the house somewhere. It was awful. This was not the first time I had a dream about a girl being dead. Remember? I have written about it before... what is that? what is the lesson? What is my mind trying to tell me? what is the skeleton in the closet so to speak? Who is the girl? What does she represent? The guilt. Terrible. I kept pacing around the house thinking... if she is dead here in my attic in my room, then her parents must be worried sick. I felt her parents grief. I felt immense guilt. Same thing as before in other dreams... if I bury her I have a chance of saving myself. but then her parents will remain in this grief and mystery... I must tell her parents what happened... I owe it to them... the guilt was unbearable... but the feeling again, was that I had to do it, I was forced into committing this terrible act... victim consciousness... where is it coming from? what must I integrate?

I switched dreams before there was a conclusion. I am in awe at how I am able to be awake and yet asleep during my dreams. totally aware of them and that I am dreaming... I watch them. What do they call that? lucid dreaming... I have always had this ability. But as I get older I get better and better at it... since I moved to New York -- doing the right thing, following one’s intuition, being at the right place at the right time perhaps – it has really kicked in to overdrive.

I then had an amazing dream about SHE again. this time her name was also Rebecca. again. Rebecca... dark hair. Pale skin. A beautiful voice. A perfect love. An instant affinity for each other. who is she? where is she now? it felt fantastic. We kissed. We hugged. I smiled while I dreamed. I held onto her image as long as I could and attempted to stay asleep to remain in the presence of her embrace and unconditional love and affection. I spoke to her while still asleep and yet half awake... where are you? where are you? do you feel this? are you dreaming like this?

Last screening: a few more hours of the tsars of Russia history. Wow. learned more. violence is not the answer. eventually we will come to this.

Current spin: yoshimi and yuka, flower with no color. LOVE IT! the craziest record I've ever heard.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Sept 18th Our first real day of autumn in New York.

Sept 18th
Our first real day of autumn in New York. An actual breeze. A breath of clean fresh air. Smiles on everyone’s faces. Took a few friends to church this morning. Powerful sermon as always. The guy’s on fire. Eloquent and yet emotive and significant at the same time. Powerful music. free music free food free drink free powerful sermons and awesome people to chill with. What more can a person want for a Sunday morning? More and more each day, each week... feeling more liberated from the judging mind, from the confines of thought. And in that there is freedom and bliss. God smiles and you smile back.

If life was large enough I would lovingly embrace every darn one of them for they are all so beautiful. I swear to God I think I am really onto something with this whole fruitplate theory of dating. [should it be a fruitplate or a fruit basket? I guess that depends on how big the plate is.] You know, the whole ‘I found freedom when you said no’ thing. I'm walking down the street carrying this big bouquet of roses that I had just bought and I'm passing all these girls on the street. And there's nothing New York girls like more than a guy in sandals carrying a bouquet of roses. And there is no place in America better for beautiful girls than New York City. [people may mention California or Miami but they just haven't been to New York.] Because all the girls here are just so stylish and cool and smart and witty and have it put together... the only other place in the world where you see this kind of beauty stacked up on top of itself is in Rome.] Anyway, so the theory is I'm thinking I just keep dating all these girls for social events, right, but if you're smart, you never sleep with any of them – because that cuts it to the chase pretty much and you don't want that , so you never fool around with them. You save that for other girls. But with the really great girls you just hang out with them. the best of both worlds man. that's it right there.

I'm sitting out on the stairs and it is a gorgeous day! I mean perfect. the most perfect day of the year so far. there is this couple across the street walking and arguing in Spanish. (well I'm pretty sure they are walking in English, but they are arguing in Spanish.) every few seconds they stop in the middle of the sidewalk and yell at each other, raising their hands and arms with such passion and emotion. Don't you love arguing? If its done from and with love, arguing is a potent aphrodisiac. Passion man. pure passion.

Last screening: Russia, the land of the tsars. Fascinating.

Current read: chronicles, volume one. Dylan’s autobiography.

Sept 17th
Speaking with Providence about how great our lives are... in comparison to so many others’. and yet the human mind always longs for more. still often times longs for more, over-analyzes and criticizes. Even when in the bigger picture, things are so damn good already.

Recognizing how far out I was willing to travel for forcing IT, rather than letting IT, we can know IT by the degree of how much of our ‘real selves’ are we being.... when we are in flow and truly being ourselves, it is close or closer to “IT.” When we are not feeling ourselves, then we can safely assume that it is not “IT.”

Feel a certain sense of fright, as a lot of people do, about the current stream of events in America in relation to the rest of the world. I feel underneath it all a fear that we are about to be attacked again... cannot put my finger on it, but there is something there, that any day we are going to be attacked here at home.

I am seriously in shock and deeply saddened by the fact the people who are in control in our government are so unenlightened that they chose the path they chose over the last two years. they have deliberately created more violence, more danger, more anger, more desperation and resentment in the hearts of those who are currently playing the role of “our enemy” rather than doing the right thing and really getting down to why we were attacked in the first place.

Of course this gives them the benefit of the doubt... that they did not in fact set the whole thing up as a ‘new pearl harbor’ as a way to instigate a reason/justification to attack Iraq etc... at this point is difficult to ascertain what really happened. But if we are to assume that we were really attacked by terrorist forces who ‘hate us’ as the government has lead the world to believe, that in fact it was not an inside job as the evidence is leading many to believe now, then the right thing would be for us to look inward and really try to determine why someone would feel a need to attack us and then do our best to make amends with these people, with the world at large, and attempt to show through our own example what a good true honest just moral fair minded society of enlightened individuals could be like.... we could really help bring peace to the world.

isn't it fascinating that the war-mongers among us always use peace as an excuse to wage war? and isn't it fascinating that they claim to wage war to get peace? And isn't even more fascinating how the majority of the masses of sheep-le out there, in any society, actually fall for these atrocious and barbaric fallacies so easily? They never seem to notice or acknowledge that violence is in fact violence, and peace is in fact peace. And that they are two totally different worlds. we will never bring peace to the world through murder destruction or violence. And yet it is difficult to convince those who are less perceptive than we are of this simple understanding. The truth is that this attack by the US government on the country of Iraq could very well blow up in our faces and turn into something much more devastating to all of us than we could ever imagine. It could lead us to a world war, a never ending domino effect of retaliation, a back and forth of killing and being killed. Why do they not see it, and if they do, why do they not care?

We are being led astray by a very small group of treacherous murderers who are jeopardizing all of our welfare. I am truly fascinated by the red-state mentality that does not seem to recognize this.

Breakfast with Tuesday. At a little French café uptown. A soft boiled egg. Paris ham and gruyere tartine with dark mustard. A larger than life cappuccino. Praline nut butter. She asks me as only she can, to identify what exactly I saw or was attracted to in women, and what I do not like. Where is the attraction and where is the discomfort? Could it be that simple? Important to acknowledge these things so we do not repeat the same experiences more than once, and also so we can truly create what we want in our life. we then apply the same principles to her life. and we get great learning and growing from this.

I love the ‘brilliant’ aspect in women. I label it important, in fact very necessary. I love the dreamer aspect, but I do not like the air-head aspect. I love the visionary quality. I love the motivated/ambitious/in her own world, doing her own thing independently quality in girls. Important. I more than prefer but actually need, congruity and honesty in speech and action. Not willing to settle for less than that. I love the intellectual battle of wits. But we recognize that there is a subtle difference between combative/righteous debate that weakens the spirit and a loving challenging debate between two brilliant minds that strengthens the spirit. There is a difference. And I prefer the latter. We agree that we both prefer the latter.

But if we never take the time to check it out and to really analyze what it is that attracts us to people, then we will never see what it is that we are attracting and why. we will be settling for many things that we do not prefer and not know why, just because we are receiving a few other things that we do like. This was huge for me. and for her as well. when you begin to acknowledge this, you can see that there is no blame. That in the larger picture it is an umbilical-corded subliminal game we are playing with other beings... and in the end, there can be no blame. We are choosing the game out of these attractions and repulsions/resistances with others and it is just as much “us” as it is “them.” no blame. Only appreciation.

From this viewpoint one can see the world of romance and love from a birds-eye view, shift easily in and out of affairs or the heart until a true fit occurs that builds, strengthens, inspires, and rejuvenates and grows us.

Last screening: Howard Zinn biography. Awesome man. truly inspirational.

Sept 16th
The white dove has flown. Before she departed we met for dried fruit, cheese, and coffee martinis and to clear some space. And it was indeed a subtle battle. Few minced words. all out in the open. Swords out, slicing into each other, though liquid, still wounding. Fencing, dueling, battling. I truly fucking hate her. and yet, at the same time, I truly love her. it is as our friend Remington Steele points out, a challenge that we are all called to for whatever reasons... it is involuntary unconditionality, entirely possessed by it, and frankly it was fucking driving me crazy because it wasn't a hundred percent. I hadn't slept in weeks. so I found freedom in her no. again. I tell her ‘you know what. this is fine. In fact its better than fine. Its great. now I have the freedom to do what I want, more time to be me.’ ‘you're just little lord Fauntleroy. You are inspired by what you cannot have. you think you can get whatever you want, and when you can’t get it, you are inspired and you want it more.’ ‘What are you like a psychology major or something?’ ‘don't be mean.’ ‘whatever.’ ‘don't whatever me. we are supposed to be talking.’ ‘we are talking... o.k. I will try to be nicer. This will calm eventually and we will be nicer.’ ‘do you think so?’ ‘yes I do.’ ‘me too.’ ‘But I'm telling you that I get the best of both worlds in this, so its fine. I still get that in love feeling you know walking around kicking my heels from it and writing tons of great songs, and yet I buy more time to be myself for a little longer, and get a little more action...’ ‘that is so gross. I'm not listening if you are going to speak that way.’ she puts her fingers in her ears and starts going ‘lalalalalalala... I'm not listening....’

[I was stunned by this notion. No matter how ridiculously unfair and silly it seemed to be, it was entirely true. I think this is where the ‘I found freedom when you said no’ song came from. The idea held water. I could still find myself madly in love with the dove, with Princess Little Tree who lived half way across the world, with the raven in Israel if I wanted to... and as long as none of them accepted or pusehd the issue, or wanted to commit permanently, then I was as free as a bird to just keep being inspired and in love with all of them. Freedom; and yet, as an artist, I’m still getting the juice of being in love with them to a certain degree.]

A lot of good spirited conversation concerning things of this nature. The higher quantum realm where we feel this bigger than us thing at play and the ego-infested world where we in physical reality exist and muck it up. we are just ruining it... just by invading the space where this cosmic life transforming thing that we have fallen into exists... diseasing it with our minds and opinions... we would be a lot better off by just not saying a thing. she was right in that... in her request for silent meditation. but I finally succumbed to the fact that perhaps we are both just too immature to deal with it. fine. ‘you know, I still don't even believe you. you're afraid.’ ‘you're afraid.’ ‘yes. I am. I'm o.k. with that. but at least I can tell you how I feel.’ ‘well I am telling you how I feel.’ ‘I know you are. I hear you. but I don't believe you.’ ‘well don't get hurt.’ ‘well you don't get hurt.’ ‘I won't.’ ‘well neither will I.’ ‘are we still going to go to the opera together then?’ crazy. total Alice in wonderland experience...

Dueling. exploring. Both of us slightly bitter. But still in that space where we are happy to be in each other’s space. like that. reminds me a lot of Cleopatra actually. Young, smart, pretty, energetic, defensive, offensive, contrary, opinionated on the outside, vulnerable on the inside, and slightly confused, head in the clouds, but grounded in some weird way about it. an unsafe and fucking devastating combination for me. my brief relationship with Princess Little Tree was so easy, so effortless, and so I'm used to that. I mean, now I know that that is possible. It didn't get any easier than that... And yes its way better. You feel part of a team. Like you're building something with someone. This constant dueling is not good for me. there is no safety in it. Tuesday tells me that perhaps there is something in these kind of girls that obviously attracts me or I still wouldn’t be attracting them. she's right. Tuesday is fucking A+. you know, her personality is perfect. I sometimes think she is some kind of a Guru... if I had attraction to her in the romantic realm... that would be a very easy one for both of us. but things are as they are. our feelings are our feelings.

I did come to understand in a very real physical way what it is like when a girl likes you like that and you don't like them back. it does hurt. And in a way it was good for me to be reminded of how it feels so I am more careful with girls when I am hanging out with them. so as not to hurt them. and now I also understand why when you tell a girl that you don't feel that way about them, why they feel the need to get away from you and not speak with you. I would always fight with them about that. but I understand now. sometimes its just necessary. You have to get space.

But regardless, that is that. the dove has flown and I have ten days to regroup and stabilize. Get back on track. the whole thing just threw me completely. Came out of nowhere and hit me in the back of the head like a sledgehammer. It is good to be reminded of these feelings. It is an amazing thing. whatever you call it. infatuation. Obsession perhaps. we stay open, we enjoy the ride.

in the end love is going to transcend all of that. so there is hope in that. that's where the hope is. if you’re smart you play a game for the fun of it, but you don't live in it. its sport. Not life. life is real. Sport is sport.

The lessons. Love hits us. it is a natural. it can knock us down. it is something beyond looks and shape and face; beyond eyes and beauty; beyond style and class and fashion; beyond dreams and fantasies and similarities and common interests. It is cosmic. It is beyond this realm. And that's why we call it love. It is indescribable and entirely unobtainable unless it is granted by the gods. It is either there or it is not there. that's what this year was about. it works or it doesn’t. it is when we try to control it or shape it... that is when the problems set it.

I had let the ropes loose off the bow and just said fuck it I'm going to keep traveling onward anyway... there was mystery and excitement up ahead in the murky uncharted waters...

And there wasn't a moment I felt comfortable. But always very excited. An eagerness but not a comfort. You know. as if I was trading a lot... for this sense of excitement, a passion, but not a comfort. And I believe that I was deceiving a bit, allowing myself to be deceived a bit as well, and just going for the excitement of it... rather than breathing into it and being a Jedi. I noticed that was there... always that pain in the belly. Knowing that something wasn't right about the path, but just kind of trying to sneak down the path anyway... smile. You know, the lessons are the little pots of gold we pick up along the path. Fun stuff. the gifts of life.

One thing I will say is that I have never written so many songs in one period like this. she is right in the fact that it was a kind of muse thing. and for that I am eternally grateful. Girls are such amazing muses. Love is really. Entirely intoxicating. And as an artist I feed off of it. without love, without girls, I almost never write, and certainly not with this kind of passion... But it has its ups and downs, as with any drug. songwriting is awesome right now. I am on fire. Unstoppable. As soon as this legal battle is over, I will bury myself in the studio and just record for months straight to get all these songs down. Today it took me all of five minutes to write the song ‘everywhere she is there.’ and it’s fucking beautiful and brilliant.

“Can you imagine
what it would be like
to become aware
of an omnipresent ocean
of wild divine love
that has always been a secret to you
in the same way
that the sea is invisible to a fish?”
-- Rob Breszny

Little 8 year old Kasper from upstairs has been shouting out band names for me while I'm trying to write here... here are his ideas for cool band names. Feel free to use them: Tickle my pickle, the ek gangsters, the dark devils, pig ass, American wasteland is his favorite, the revenge of the nerds, foschizel my nizzle, Kissco, blood baths, cops on fire, happy taco, the undertaker, coming down from hell... the kid is brilliant.

current spin. The dandy warhols Come down. I love this album so much. Listening to it on my ipod on the subway – totally packed with people. and I'm just rocking out hard with myself and these earbuds. And I'm juking up and down in my own little dandy warhols world, and everyone is looking at me like ‘this guy is going at it! he might be crazy...’ You know, when the subway is packed like that, and I mean PACKED, where everyone is just crammed together like sardines or pigs in the truck before slaughter, there is nothing like the ipod. It is survival itself when it comes to the subways. And the Dandys really do rule. I am so into them.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Sept 15th Rockaway came into town

Sept 15th
Rockaway came into town for a gig. We had a great time hanging out for two nights. Just good to be with a close friend. In New York all I do is work home social work home social work home social.... not enough QT with good friends. We’re drinking Chivas on the rocks, popping Vs and Vs and talking about girls and money and gigs and all... just riding the train, headed for nowhere, sipping beer out of paper bags, and male bonding. The night of the show, he goes on stage and he's like ‘I love you man,’ and gives us a big hug. And in that moment I just loved that guy like a brother.

Later that evening and a few drinks further, the dove and I get into a huge fight. guy versus girl. Masculine versus feminine. Our fights suck. They're fun. but they suck. And this one was no exception. I tell her in a drunken slur ‘look you're leaving town tomorrow. I want to know what's up. I'm either holding the torch while you're gone, or I'm taking the time to get this out of my system. so what's it going to be?’ she wouldn’t even answer me. her nose in the air, staring off into the club at various nothings as if the outside was more important than our inside and my simple request. I'm trying to get clarification and she's feeling trapped and cornered. We are both drunk.

We get asked to leave because the place is closing. She decides she is going to follow the group we are with who are headed out to get more drinks. Totally unproductive not my scene thing. I am going to have a drink and then we will talk, she says. We head into Whiskey, on Lex. A yuppie bar for the short haired crowd. Loud bad music and idle talk of nothing. I feel as if I have been slung-shot back twenty years to the days before I understood that we were not trapped by life but rather had the freedom to create each moment as we prefer... but here I was trapped in some dark loud bad music bar with a bunch of short hairs and button ups who have nothing better to do with their lives than spend money they don't have on alcohol they don't need to drown sorrows they don't realize aren't even there.

She decides to head to the train and I am walking with her and we are both fuming.
You don't have to walk me. she puffs with her nose in the air.
I know I don't have to walk you. but I want to walk you. its two am in the morning. Just chill. I'm walking you.
More silence.
Just throw me a bone. Tell me what the fuck.
Its obvious how I feel and I will not speak about this anymore...
well if it were so obvious how you felt, then I wouldn’t be asking would I? just bat your eyes or something. give me a clue. C'mon. bat your eyelashes a few times or something...
You're ruining everything Fishy. everything is ruined!
how am I ruining everything? what is ruined? I'm just asking a simple fucking question.
And now you are using expletives! This is not right. I will have no more of it.
I didn't use any expletives.
Yes you certainly did. you said fuck.
I did?
well whatever. just answer me. why won't you answer me?
Whatever to you.
she walks faster.
More silence. Fast walking.
Look. I see no reason for you to be upset.
I trusted you Fishy.
O.k. good. you should trust me. I have done nothing to betray your trust. What have I done?
You’ve ruined everything. I thought you were different.
I am different. You know what? take every guy you have ever known and put them all together into a big ball, o.k., isn't that nice, a big past guy ball, and now throw them all away because you still aren't even coming close to Fishy. So cool it with trying to compare me to other guys. I am different and you know it. Please don't challenge that. or I'm really going to start to doubt your sincerity in this and think you're a total drama queen. Which I do already.
You're the drama queen. Why are you making this a mellow drama?
I'm not making this a mellow anything. I asked you a simple question. Why won't you answer me?
I will not speak about this anymore.
o.k. fine. Then we won't talk about it. but the least you could do is tell me if we keep going like this, going out all the time, if we are ever going to date.
I don't even know what you are talking about. I do not know what dating is.
oh now you don't know what dating is? o.k. well I would say that you do. and I would say that you are being silly.
I don't. now please be quiet. you are ruining everything.
If we’re not then I'm going to keep dating other girls.
Then fine. Date other girls. I don't care.
I don't want to date other girls.
Then what do you want?
I want to date you.
I don't even know what that means. I do not speak your language. What does that even mean?
It means we date.
Well we are not dating.
I know we aren't dating. But will we? Are we headed for dating or are we just hanging our as friends? That's what I'm asking.
We are just friends. I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend. that won't change. One hundred percent. Just ask any of my other millions of girlfriends.
I am not your girlfriend.
I didn't say you were. I'm just saying that I have plenty of friends who are girls. I don't need any more.
Well too bad. Because that's what I thought I was. and you ruined it.
What? you just want me to treat you like one of my friends?
Well I don't treat my friends like I treat you. I don't have the time for that.
Well too bad. You should.
No. I shouldn’t. I'm not going to spend all this time hanging out with some girl who's just my friend. I don't have the fucking time. I'd never get anything done. This is madness. And stupid.
Yes. it is. so please leave it.
O.k. so fine. I have my answer. then we aren't dating. That's all I was asking for. see how simple that was? Why did it have to take so long to get to that? that's all I wanted to know. Fine. You forced me to answer, so I'm just going to tell you what you don't want to hear.
O.k. fine. You do that. that's real mature.
Have I tried to kiss you?
Silence. Fast walking. Not looking at me.
Have I tried to fool around with you at all? I mean, have we reached a point even close to that? have we even come close to anything like that?
No. and we aren't going to.
O.k. that's fine. And that's my point. I dont even know if i am attracted to you in that way. I think you're reading too much into this. I'm fine the way things are. I don't care if never fool around. seriously. I have plenty of girls I can fool around with.
I'm not listening!
I'm just saying that I don't care if we never fool around.
I'm not listening!
I don't care. I don't try because I haven't even thought about it. I would never dare think about it. o.k.? I'm happy with the way things are.
Well I'm not. not now. you’ve ruined everything. Now please stop.
Fine. But I know you got my point. So please, stop saying I ruined everything. nothing is ruined.
Well it is.
Fine. Well if everything can be ruined that easy, then what the hell was it worth? If we can’t even ask each other simple questions. For gods sake.

And on and on it went like that for too many minutes that felt like hours.
More silence.
And I'm like ‘I don't even believe you. you know that?
Say whatever you want. But I don't believe you.
Well you should believe me. Do whatever you want to Fishy.
I will. and too bad for you and too bad for me. and too bad for us. you are not a dove. you are a silly goose.

The whole way to the train like that. For blocks and blocks. It was grueling. It was horrible. And by the time we got to the station we both had these looks on our faces of just sheer pain. I walked out of the station cursing to myself out loud like some crazy. I just cursed the whole way home. In the back of the cab I just sat there with my arms crossed cursing out loud. Fuck fuck fuck. This fucking bitch. What the fuck was that? Fuck this. this is fucked. Fuck this. fuck fuck fuck. The driver didn't speak to me at all. he too prob thought I was crazy.

but I also felt freedom from it in some way. At least I was back on solid ground. Back to my old self. I was floating again, not falling. In retrospect this was a hilarious movie moment. not one either of us will soon forget I am sure. It should have ended in some mad passionate hot sex all night with shared coffee and sun-rising watching in the morning if it were indeed a movie. But it didn't. instead I laid in bed and felt like I had just returned from some virtual reality twilight zone amusement park ride.

I must say that I had a great time in that though. Those are the kind of moments we remember forever. If energy like that can be fueled towards productive endeavors, rather than worthless merry go rounds of the egos clashing... the possibilities would be endless.

Sept 14th
Poeming more and more. I have really started thinking differently about lyric writing. about writing in general. My mind has opened to this other world... my brain is occupying more space.

Last screening: Noam Chomsky, rebel without a pause. A little wonky this one is and a lot of repeated information. Nothing new. But good review of the facts.

Current spin: still listening to Bowie’s diamond dogs almost daily. Cannot believe what an amazing work that was.

Sept 12th
I am reading the autumn edition of a financial newsletter. The usual insider fare of the falling American dollar, the coming boom of what is now being called Chindia by the insiders – the force of India and china – who will together take over America to become the number one economic powerhouse in the world very soon. this is not bad news unless you are for some reason stuck on making your money through American means, or through investing in America, which wouldn’t be a good idea at this point – one can easily make tons more if they start switching their investing now to china and India. But the bad news was what I read about the coming oil crisis. About ten years ago I was rock climbing in Sedona Arizona with a geologist friend of mine. He told me that they possessed this secret knowledge that the world was quickly running out of oil. He told me that geologists knew it and discussed it daily, and that the governments of the world knew it as well, but it was something they didn't discuss with the general public for fear of causing a panic or economic recession. I was young at the time, did not have enough knowledge about the world to understand what oil was or what we used it for, or what running out of oil even meant, but I still felt this sensation of fear rise up inside of me. and mind you I was about five or six thousand feet up in the air on a vertical peak. So the last thing I needed was to think about the world running out of oil, no matter what it meant.

Flash forward to now. 2005. its been ten years since that fateful day that I will never forget. [I remember thinking to myself at that young and innocent age, ‘could it be true that the government knows things that we don't? Things that they aren't telling us? Could this running out of oil thing be a really bad thing?’ I was rather naieve I would say. Little did I know...] Two years ago, the largest super power in the world invaded the second largest oil producing country in the world, against the advice of every civilized nation in the world, and even against vehement denouncement by the entire civilized population of the world. The cost of oil has doubled and is higher than it’s ever been in history. There is talk of invading Iran of course. little sound bites come from the US government now and then. and of course a few brave new worlders point to an eventual attack on Venezuela by the US for similar purposes, though the stated purpose will be the same as it always is: freedom of a people repressed by a hostile and terrorist dictatorial government etc.

So what's up? Well we’re running out of oil. Check it: “Your grandchildren will live in a world without oil. IN the next one to four years, half the oil that the earth started with will be gone. And it we keep using it like we are, every drop will vanish by about 2029. that's in our fucking lifetimes. And yet no one speaks of this. Long before 2029 though the quality of crude oil will go from fair to terrible, the extraction costs will become crippling, and you will be paying 12 to $15 a gallon at the gas pump. The closest approximation NOW is that we will reach the halfway point by 2006. and that life itself, well human life, will revolve around oil – or the lack of it. And sometime before 2029 the earth will be tapped out completely.” Scary stuff.

You know, a lot of thoughts pop up around this: one, that Bush and his evil cohorts are smarter and bolder than the left-wing gives them credit for. After all, if we do win the battle for Iraq, and we get to occupy and subversively and covertly control those oil reserves, that along with our close relations with the dictatorship in Saudi Arabia, guarantees us easy access to big oil much longer than most other countries. It places us right back into a position of power that for the last few years we have been on the verge of losing due to our shrinking economy because of the decrease in our potential consumer base and production as compared to more developing countries. O.k. so we don't have as many consumers anymore because everyone here owns everything that the world has to offer and more, and our production potential continues to decline because we are farming every possible job out to other countries so where are the jobs and where is the money earning potential for Americans if jobs and production keep vanishing – is the only way for Americans to make money now in stocks and the bursting bubble of real estate? and the value of the dollar is shrinking so quickly that it is only a matter of time before it stops being the one security that the rest of the world wants to tie its own currency to because theirs is already so much more highly valued than ours.... all true, and becoming more so as each month passes... but look closely and one can see that if any of this is going to continue to be true in the long term picture, and if oil is already becoming the new gold, or the new dollar, or the new military might, then we have a good chance of retaining our world domination at least in our lifetimes.

And yeah I'm a do-gooder, or at least try to think I am sometimes, and i try to think about the greater good of all humanity and all that, but does that mean that I want the United States to become second place in the world to anyone in any category? Hell no. I think that inside each of us is this selfishness in regards to the country we were born in. we want America to continue to be the land of opportunity. My question underneath it all is just, where will the new money come from? Even if we do retain our military might around the world, and we take over the oil... how will new money be generated? We need another tech revolution or another industrial revolution or something akin to that. According to every financial newsletter I have read in the last two years, the big economic boom is over for America and the new center for profit and big money in the world is China and India. Period. America will become either number two, or number three, depending on how fast Europe continues to grow. But again, if we keep our military strong and control the oil, then we may just have to keep bullying everyone to maintain our control and dominance. Harsh words I know, but just another perspective from a different viewpoint entirely from how we normally think about things from the far left side of the spectrum that I usually operate.

Out with the dove more and more often. Calmer. Unsettling. Truly. But calmer than last week. learning to poem. Shifting brain sides I think. learning to float.

Current spin: Ravel; Daphnis et Chloe. One of the best pieces of music of all time. this is heaven in sound.

Last screening: Noam Chomsky, distorted morality. Brilliant. see it. make no excuses. If you don't rent it and watch it and you find yourself in discussions with informed people who are walking all over your brain because you don't know anything, don't say I didn't warn you. I couldn’t give a better recommendation than Noam Chomsky right now in light of current world events.

Sept 11th
Four years since the attack of the world trade centers. Church this morning. The Rev as we call him delivered his best sermon ever. I am going to try to post the audio somewhere. it was at once a scathing attack on the current administration and their failure of duty since sept 11th, and a desperate plea for guidance and strength and courage and hope in these times of trouble. He gestured and emoted more dramatically than I had ever seen him before. the month off did him well. it was a magnificent display. Heartfelt more than ever, and yet as always intellectual. He wondered allowed with all of us as to why the powers that be in America at this time do not seem to posses the same call of personal and institutional duty as most leaders do or are even normally want to do by getting into leadership roles in the first place. this is a Yale educated Methodist preacher on park avenue in one of the finest cathedrals in Manhattan – a distinguished looking sharp witty humble cheerful well educated man, but he was spiritually moaning, almost groaning, lamenting, for all of us, for the entire congregation... attempting to express for us what the whole country has been feeling for weeks now, and perhaps for some of us years, especially today. very powerful indeed. he has turned into a mentor of mine. I admire him greatly. The way he speaks, the things he says. His prayers are kick ass, his control of the audience and the sequence of events is kick ass. he begins his prayers by saying “loving one...” to address God. that is just so transcendent. Love it.

Today was perhaps the most spiritual day I have had in that church thus far in this journey. In any church. That's for sure. Several things: for one, because of the date it was, and because I had been out all night and hadn't slept, and because of a few of the things I am going through, I just really went for deep prayer this time. I sat and stood when we were supposed to, but other than that I was just immersed in what I can only describe as deep prayer, communion with my idea/conception of a higher power. which I must say as each day passes I get closer and closer to feeling and understanding and feeling closer to.

Impossible to understand. Yes? impossible to describe. Impossible to put into words. impossible to defend or confine or limit through attempting thus. Just being with it. praying to it. talking to it. talking with it. listening to it. feeling it.

While everyone sang, both the congregation and the soloists throughout the service, I never even lifted my head up. I just sat there head bowed, hands folded, in deep prayer and communion with this force. Two remarkable things: at one point I saw this face pop up in my head, in my mind I guess one would say. It was cherubic, angelic, boyish, cute, lovely, graceful, youthful, but ancient looking – like out of a picture book from centuries ago, curly hair. Pale skin. I watched my thoughts; ‘wow. what is that? who is that? pay attention to this. don't let it get away. try to keep your attention on that face. wow. what a feeling. What is this feeling? What a beautiful smile. Wow. I wonder who that is. what is this? try to stay focused on it. is it me? from a past life? me from a future life? someone I am going to meet some day?’ and then I felt this knowing, heard this answer so to speak. ‘it is an angel. Of course. it is an angel.’ Or perhaps. ‘I am angel. And all is well.’ was the feeling. And it was grace personified in that moment. I smiled heartily, like a child. And was very happy.

That was great. but there is more. the inside of the church is very high ceilinged. And at the top above the pulpit there is this picture of Jesus in tile mosaic. And he has his right hand up. and he is point up with a finger. And I never pay attention to Jesus. Not there on the ceiling and not in my day to ay life. because I am so conflicted about that. but I do pray about it. I pray about wanting to know if there is anything that I need to know from him or It or whatever.... so today I just stared at him for a while and I felt these messages beaming down from him speaking to me. crazy I know. trust me. I will be the first to Baker act myself here on this one. totally nuts if I were to read this penned by anyone else. but I tell you, I felt these very subtle messages. He/it was speaking to me. the message at first was ‘just listen.’ and so I listened. And the messages were clear, concise, direct, loving, unconditionally so, and compassionate. And they made sense. And they were perfectly logical and clear but direct and stern and without bullshit. and they made sense to me. and for the first time I felt what people might be referring to when they utter the words ‘Christ consciousness.’ [which I normally box into an idea called new-age malarkey. But I couldn’t box this experience in like that. it was too real. Too obvious. Too clear.]

I have no idea what that was. or why it is or how it is. nor at this point do I care about enunciating it or trying to figure it out or making sense of it. was it just me? talking to myself? my higher self? Another self? A future self? Another part of the brain? Another being/entity/another aspect of consciousness? Was it Jesus? Was it the idea I hold of Jesus? The brain’s collection of all that I have heard about or hope to be or thought about Jesus in my entire past and future life projected onto this picture? Sure. All of the above. But profound nonetheless.

The messages were to forgive. To forgive times 77 times. just let go and forgive and love and care unconditionally. Give what you want to and long to receive. Be the example. before you receive. Give. And forgive.

And also, to get clean. to clean up my act physically now. I've done the inter-personal work now. mentally spiritually emotionally cleaned up. but you're going to stagnate here if you don't clean up physically. You know it. why aren't you doing it? you will gain a lot more calm, a lot more peace, a lot more intuition, and insight, if you finish this job now. clean up. I heard the message. But yet I hated to hear them. I don't want to clean up. I am scared to. I don't know how to. this is the inner dialogue that I wrestle with. God I know I should but I don't want to clean up. I don't know how to clean up. if I clean up, what the hell am I going to do with all my energy? What the hell am I going to do with all of my time? classic addict’s mentality. I know. I'm there. I'm in it. I'm dealing with it. I'm attempting to be with it unconditionally and with appreciation. God I don't want to get fucking fat. LOL. people who get clean start eating more and get fat. fuck that. etc. etc. and so it is.

Dear Providence,
I really believe it is a personal decision that one comes to on and off throughout their lives... sometimes we feel this desire for more spiritual community and connection and fulfillment, and sometimes we feel more of a need for philosophical understanding. A healthy balance can be achieved between both I believe in ones lifetime. In fact, it must be. or one will be sacrificing the mind for the heart or vice versa....

thanks for the talk. after our discussion today, i realize that you do understand how i feel and that's a miracle, in my view. you're the first person i've been able to talk to about my struggles with tibetan buddhism and heart vs. mind/philosophical fulfillment vs. spiritual fulfillment who actually understands what i'm saying. i honestly didn't think i'd ever run into anyone who could.


I spent most of the day with the dove in the park. Tenseness still very strong. tightness in my body and constantly feeling nauseous, uptight, anxious. But we talked a bit in this weird way lying on these rocks in a lake by the bank, facing away from each other. and there in that space we were able to express ourselves, say things, without looking at one another, that normally we wouldn’t say. It helped. Less tense. More understanding. More unconditional understanding and acceptance of what is.

Still feel like I talk too much. I just fucking talk too much. I hate that about myself and wish to discreate it. the dove comments that sometimes I am so intense and talkative that I am like a train that just wants to roll over everything in its path, or a big fire that is just burning forward, inflaming everything along the way. need to mellow out dude.

Writing great songs right now. really on a roll. one after the other right now. the dove sends me poems and I turn them into songs in a matter of hours or a day or two. Its great. a whole new thing for me. having someone else pen some lyrics takes a lot of pressure off songwriting for me.

I'll tell you one thing again and again and again. there are a lot of things in life that you can seek advice on and get answers. But there are a lot of other things in life that you can seek answers to and just not find anything except this: ‘you are going to have to decide this for yourself.’ I fucking hate that. I just hate it. I think sometimes when there are things that we want to know the most, these are the things that we are going to have to decide for ourselves. And if you are used to always just getting answers for everything, then you can struggle with that reality. We demand and long for all of the answers. But some of them we are just going to have to supply for ourselves. That is why we are here.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Sept 10th Jules, I dreamed of us this morning.

Sept 10th
Jules, I dreamed of us this morning. I was preparing a rocket that we were going to use to go to another planet. it was all planned out... I woke up or dreamed I had woken up and thought ‘wow, Jules and I are going to blast out of here in a rocket... that's unbelievable... o.k. so at least I know now....’ you then called me to ask me how the rocket preparation was going.

I also dreamed that the country was at war. again. I was barricaded and there were people throwing grenades at me. brown people. mean people. mad people. I had to dodge them. it was easy to dodge them actually. I could see the man throwing them. I thought to myself, ‘wow, so this guy is throwing grenades at me. this isn't a good thing at all. one of these grenades could hit me and I would blow up.’ I then threw a few grenades back at him and I watched as one of them he ran into and appeared to blow up. I then walked away into another dream.

This morning I prayed in the shower. as the water fell on me, “Lord help me today to be the man that I have always known I could be and that I have always wanted to be. Guide me to my wife and the mother of my children. Help me to see the importance of things, and the things that are not important. Help me to focus my attention and to be diligent in my efforts to not only best serve my life, and my family’s life, and my friends lives, but the betterment of all of humanity. Help me today to be the best person that I can be.”

The weather gets a bit cooler everyday here. people act like they like it. because the sun was so brutal. But many confess to beginning to dread the coming cold. I am one of them. I am not looking forward to it at all. nor the darkness. Though today the sun was hot and gorgeous and colored my face. But the nights are cooling down.
Went to Union Square with Providence and Jet today to attend a few free-speech and political rallies. We did some filming for Transcendent Television. Providence and I are taking about making her a part of the show. All day we walked and talked and participated in the events and filmed a lot. we ate and then we strode over the building on 11th street that was the headquarters for the weather underground where that first bomb blew and killed three of them and that incident is what made them change their mind about killing people to initiate change in the country. it took that bit of providence so to speak to get them to see that violence was not going to be their answer. destruction yes. but they would harm none. And they did it. for ten years they blew things up. mostly government buildings, and lived underground, completely anonymously. besides the American revolution itself, it was the greatest act of citizen/civil protest that we have ever had in our short history. [some would argue that one would also include the Oklahoma city federal building bombing as well, because timothy McVeigh committed that atrocious act as a protest against the US government’s murder of 180 innocent people at Waco – he did it on the same day, and as a way to protest the deceptions of the gulf war – he was a veteran of that war; but I would say that we know now, or at least we feel presently, that violence is not the answer. as bold of an act as it may have been – to sacrifice one’s life and the lives of many others as a way to get a message across against atrocities committed by one’s government – that, one, it never really works because the horror of the act itself, killing the innocent people, makes martyrs of them and takes away any message that you're trying to get across, and that, two, it just isn't ethically or morally right. (try teaching that one to the world’s super-powers. Apparently they haven't gotten here yet.) But in any case, the key is to attempt to initiate social and political change now at this point in history as non-violently as possible... hopefully hurt or kill no one. (of course the US government and other world governments are hoping that we will feel just that way and do just that. that way the people just keep to their marches in the streets and other peaceful protests and the governments can keep killing people all over the world. that's the game right now. we the people act through non-violence. (Tibet, Iraq invasion, civil rights, Vietnam war, the taking of the hostages in Iran, etc) and they act through violence. (Tibet, Iraq, their murdering several of the black panthers, Vietnam, Timor, Cambodia, etc.) So that's the game. And it will not be an easy one to win. I'm not sure if it is ever easy when you are fighting darkness with light. regardless of what the new-agers say.
At the former HQ of the weather underground today It was amazing to think about it, that even after that bomb mistake in their apartment right there on 11th street that killed three of their comrades that the rest of them still went on with the mission for ten years. brilliant. real dedication. We paid our respects. And went on our way.
I learned even more about September 11th and the inside job theory. Its getting more and more researched but the American media pretends that its not happening. they refuse to look at or report anything but what the American government tells them to, regardless of the evidence. See these websites for the latest data and research:

Sept 9th, 2005
O.k. so last night we attended an art exhibit opening at the Tibet house. the art was beautiful but what was truly amazing about the event was that no one paid any attention to the art hanging on the walls at all, but the two to three thousand square feet of space instead was filled with people in these little groups all talking about the same thing: what can we do to get Bush and his madmen the fuck out and take our country back. it was awe-inspiring, almost shocking. An art exhibit opening, and absolutely no one paying any attention to the Tibetan art on display. there were people there of all ages and races and colors and the entire event was just more like a town hall meeting with people sipping wine and talking about how we are going to get America on the right course again, or if that was even possible at this point in our history without complete overthrow of the current government, without complete revolution... His eminence the dalai lama is coming to speak this month funded by the Tibet house, and yet even G, who runs the whole organization, the son of Bob Thurman -- the most eminent western scholar and authority on Tibetan Buddhism in the world today, will not even be attending the event even though they are putting it together, because he, like so many of us form around the country will be in DC protesting the Bush regime at the sept 24th march and demonstration there. I have a feeling it will be the largest march the country has ever had.
Mr. Thurman was there and we had a chance to stand around and chat with him about all of this. the main focus was ‘well what can we the people really do?’ some say education, some say violent revolt, some say passive resistance, some say shock... my associate the dove said the answer was education. To everyone’s surprise, Mr. Thurman replied that the current situation in America has reached “emergency status” and that we don't have time for education. And he is after all a professor, a teacher, at Columbia university and yet he even sees that right now education may be the foundation that will eventually get the red staters to start thinking, but that they will not come to it on their own... because they are too brainwashed by mainstream government propaganda...
I told him that I was now inclined that the only way to wake the red staters up is through shock. That will be the only way to get the red staters to want to educate themselves on what is really happening to democracy in America... He asked me what I suggested and I mentioned to him that I was thinking of purchasing large amounts of mannequin body parts and splattering them with blood red paint and painting IMPEACH BUSH on them and dragging their bloody body parts through the streets dressed up as the General. He paused and he thought of it and again to everyone's surprise he said it could work. It would certainly shock people and make them think...
I asked him about violence and he said absolutely no. some of us in our group are going back to thinking about the weather underground group in the seventies and how they would blow up buildings as long as they didn't hurt anyone. Other people mentioned stopping transport in the country entirely... cutting off fuel supplies and stopping shipping much like greenpeace tried to do in the eighties in their heyday. This would wake people up to be sure... he told us that whatever we did so long as it was non-violent that we had his full support and that we should get started and he wished us luck and grace. It was a very moving experience. He is a well mannered well spoken well thought out man who is very respected in his work. It was an honor to meet him and to hear that we had his support. And it was good to see so many people all thinking the same thing...
I am working on a side piece called Red-State Blue-State. A simple I admit allegory for what we are seeing in America and all over the world now. this polarity, the difference between the still small number of people who see that there is a problem and that the problem is internal, and the majority of the “sheep-le” who still feel that the government is always right and that the problem is outside of our own borders... these poor fucking red-staters are going to be the death of us all if we let them.
It will be a separate link in the Transcendence Diaries. an idea that culls together any and all ideas how we can initiate real social and political change in America and around the world. a portion is pasted below:
.....Lets face it. America is an amazing place. if you're going to be anywhere in the world this would be the place. but the goal would be to eventually and finally get the actions of the government in alignment with their words and with the commitment as outlined in the constitution etc.... America is very incongruent still. the government says one thing and does another behind the people’s backs.... so as not to fool ourselves, we must remember that America has always done this. But starting in 1945, it began in earnest on a grand scale that has been responsible for the deaths of over 8 million people around the world by our own governments hand’s. As Noam Chomsky has said if the guidelines of the Nuremburg trials were put into effect in regards to America all this time then every American president since 1945 would be hanged for war crimes.

So people here are mad. the more they learn, the more mad they get. Everyday the people get more mad. and that's how this whole thing came about. I mean, over the course of the last few months more and more people are finding themselves more and more talking about “what can we do?”

[this idea has since changed and become part of the Transcendence Army project. rather than simply an essay or collection of ideas blog as it started off as a few days ago, a hands-on project that Jet and Providence and I have started as a way to help, because frankly we just can’t take it anymore. We are sick of articles and speeches and protest marches and don't think they do shit. some of the basic structure is pasted below:]

An agenda for initiating real social and political change NOW

1. The premise is simple: There is absolutely no more need to write, rant, post blogs, give speeches, anything further about what we are upset about or fighting. Noam Chomsky and many other both leftist and right-wing intellectuals and activists have already laid it all out for us. the groundwork has been set. The facts are already laid before us. There is no need to write anymore. We don't need any more articles, books, pamphlets, speeches, or blog rants.
2. There is no need to tell the facts as they are because we have plenty of literature and knowledge out there in the public domain already in newspapers, magazines, pamphlets, and websites, etc about what is really happening and what needs to change.
3. If you feel you need to learn more about specific issues, please see the resources section which will guide you to hundreds of websites, books, and DVDs. Education is not the intent of the Transcendence Army project or this website.
4. what we need now is action.
5. we know that there is a problem.
6. But we need to get the problem out to more people to take action.
7. we know that the problem is in the governments of the various world superpowers and in the basic framework of how these government superpowers are set up.
8. we know that the problem is really the people’s since it is the people who choose not to do anything about the web of lies that they uncomfortably live in. the people referred to means “all of us.”
9. we know that there are many of us that want to do something
10. but that we don't know what to do to initiate real sustainable social and political change.
11. we know that we would prefer to initiate these changes through means of non-violence.
12. We know what we are working towards: limited government, honest government, the end of violence and domination by large dictatorial and imperialist governments that operate under the pretense of “democracies,” a free and honest press, the end of corporate control over the media and government. Real human rights.
13. So the question that is on everyone’s mind is “what to do?”
14. some say violent acts of civil disobedience
15. some say full on revolution
16. some say non-violent civil disobedience
17. some say through education
18. Though Robert Thurman of Columbia university, the foremost western authority on Tibetan Buddhism, has even stated that “We do not have time for education now. the situation is too urgent. What we need now is to take action.”
19. Some say that only through shock will we ever get a majority of people to wake up and want to be educated as to what is really happening so we reach a critical mass that will be necessary to initiate real change.
20. some say that though there is a place for political action committees (PACS) such as and that they are indeed accomplishing a little something – if not actually accomplishing, they are at least helping to define the lines of polarization more clearly, that we still need to do more. That more radical approaches need to be taken. That is the purpose of the Transcendent Army.
21. Radical acts that shock, to increase awareness and inspire people to learn more. that is where the idea for the transcendence army came into being.
22. The idea for the transcendence army is not to become a large multi-national permanent organization that is too big to actually accomplish anything, but a temporary national grassroots movement to initiate change NOW. when there is no need for the transcendence army, then the org and this website will no longer exist.
23. there is no one in control or at the head of the transcendence army
24. we are not here to instill information or preach or tell any stories. But to inspire people to act and give ideas for other actions to take.
25. It is a movement of concerned citizens who want to take actions today to shock people who are asleep, in order to wake enough people up to initiate social and political change through “whatever means necessary.”
26. There are no meetings, no official headquarters, and no national hotline to call. We are just a group of concerned citizens like yourself who are supplying a forum for posting ideas of actions that anyone can do today because they are pissed off and have had enough.
27. Each individual who becomes part of the Transcendence Army through some radical act of dissent, civil disobedience, or protest or rebellion against the powers that be is doing so on his own, operates on their own or in small groups.

How the light side will/can win easier/some things to keep in mind:
1. Recognize that a lot of the red-staters, the religious right as some of them call themselves, or republicans, or even well-meaning democrats, are good people for the most part. they're good meaning people. their intentions are good. they just don't know the facts.
2. recognize that having money or being rich is NOT the problem. the idea that this is a battle between rich and poor is smoke and mirrors. There is nothing wrong with abundance or with prosperity consciousness. It is what people do with or for money that has lead us to the problem.
3. when speaking to, arguing with, attempting to educate, or debating with Red-staters, do not get angry, do not get confrontational. Stay calm. voice the facts. If you need facts see the resources page for good informational websites. Print out the facts and keep them with you at all times.
28. notice that the people who are in control dress and attempt to appear extremely conservative and mainstream. so as to intimidate and yet comfort at the same time. they appear as American and normal as possible, attempting to display as few personal characteristics or quirks as possible. This is important. it used to eb that people who wanted to change the world for the better always came off as radicals. But the times they are changing. Now more and more mothers and fathers and grandparents are also seeing that there is a problem and are taking action. When possible, if it is within your scope, dress conservatively. Be a normal.

current spin: Caetano Veloso, Caetano velsoso 1968 and his 1969 albums. both self titled with the dates to distinguish them. these take a while to warm up to because they come off a bit wanna-be psychedelic at first having been recorded in the late sixties.... but give them a little room and time to breathe and you really end up with a beautiful bouquet. I agree with my new friend Chris P. these are some of his best works. I am finding myself so inspired by them that I only listen to them in small doses. One song at a time, so as not to ejaculate too quickly so to speak. I am getting a lot out of them both as a music lover and as an artist. I would say presently that if I had to choose just the top three that I would now choose Caetano as one of those three along with Bowie and McCartney. Caetano now beating out Lou reed or marc bolan or zeppelin or so many others... [not that that's too hard to figure out as my critics are so ready to point out... I know] but you know we don't have to choose favorites really. Its an imaginary game we play with ourselves when we really like something. its just our way of acknowledging ‘I really like that.’

When you watch videos on rolling they have advertisements for products. which is cool. cause we get to watch free videos on demand on our computers without the bullshit of MTV. [didn't MTV used to play videos back in the day? doesn’t MTV stand for music television? Weird.] anyway so this ad comes on for mitchum anti-perspirant and says something like “if you like your rock stars better... before they cleaned up... then you're a mitchum man. more of the active ingredient that you need for true anti perspirant protection.... what's scary is that that powerful ingredient is aluminum, a poison to the body, proven correlation between aluminum and Alzheimer’s and a few other degenerative diseases... and its scary-funny because we still live in a society where we are allowed to advertise poisons to each other and get paid to sell the products. saccharin is another great example. It says right on the packet that it has been proven to cause cancer but we are still allowed to sell it. aspartame proven to cause brain tumors and yet we are still allowed to sell it to each other. its really amazing when you think of it. cigarettes in their current form another great example.
This is symptomatic of the whole red-state blue-state issue. Its at the core. If you are reading this and you are one of the blue-staters then you probably know all of this and you probably don't know anyone who would use saccharin or aspartame or use over the counter anti-persperants. I know that I don't know anyone personally who does because everyone I hang out with is of that blue-state, all natural, well educated, try to eat free-range and organic mentality. So they are way beyond products like those. So the people who are selling the poisons still and the people who are buying the poisons still are the red-staters... and the poisons go beyond just products such as those and one could even venture to say that things like Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton and tabloids and fundamentalist Christianity and mainstream media and the invasion or Iraq are all part of that big ghastly and grotesque group of poisons that the red-staters regularly ingest.
Our job as responsible citizens of a free world is not to hate them or even to pity them, though it is easy to go down either route, but rather to do our best to educate them... and again that is where the idea of shock comes into play. Hurricane Katrina did more to shock the red-staters than the figures of the one hundred thousand innocent people killed in Iraq did so far... that's really alarming. The re-staters seemed more affected by the victims of hurricane Katrina than they have so far of the hundred thousand innocent people we have killed in Iraq. Scary stuff. we have quite a challenge before us...

You know every night I sit on these stairs of the townhouse where I live on the upper east side. Often times the boys, 8 and 12, will sit with me and we will while away the hours of the early evening goofing off together. I will smoke a cigar and type n my laptop while little K rides around on the sidewalk on his skateboard and scares the hell out of all the passersby, and little T will sit on the stairs next to me and play his guitar and sing. Sometimes I'll play a tune. We’ll put out a baseball cap and collect a few dollars. Fun stuff. but mostly I just sit and write and smoke.
The longer I sit out here the more of a sort of neighborhood landmark I notice that we are becoming. people start coming up to us now everyday and stopping to chat and hang out. I think its because they are so used to seeing me or me and the boys sitting here. New Yorkers are like that. they want to talk to people. it is quite unusual when you are used to coming from the suburbs where you live that kind of isolated suburban life, life in the bubble. For me I have to remember to breathe the whole time because I can get so freaked out by the freakiness of it all. because one minute I can be alone and then in the next there can be God knows just about anyone sitting on and standing around the stairs with us hanging out and talking. mothers with babies, older people who want to ask us a bunch of questions, homeless people who want to ask us for money, people with dogs, guys who are jogging or walking home from the subway, and the occasional crazy who just stands there telling us all sorts of things we didn't ask about.
Tonight is a Friday. We must have spoken to fifteen people in less than an hour. I'm not saying I mind it. in fact I see that it could be a cool idea for a TV episode. What a crazy scene.

Gosh I don't know... I don't know if I have ever done that.... it’s a rather organic process for me... not something I can plan or have ever planned. Its more like using the bathroom for me... hate to be so graphic but I cannot think of anything else that is like songwriting EXCEPT THAT believe it or not. you don't plan it... you just go the bathroom when you have to go. and that's the way songwriting is for me. I wait for it.

on Sunday I may not write or be able to write.... interesting belief huh? Totally willing to look at it though and give it a try.... to deliberately write? What a concept. Lets try it.

Dude from now on I am signing everything that way. all of my credit card receipts I will sign like this: IMPEACH BUSH! Instead of signing your name on your credit card receipts form now on you sign IMPEACH BUSH! or END THE WARS!

Current spin: David bowie, diamond dogs. Sweet thing is 8 minutes of pure bliss!!!! This is the best album of all time!!! holy shit I totally forgot about it. I LOVE rhapsody. Of course as artists its over for us because of rhapsody, but as a fan I love rhapsody....
Sept 8th
This is fascinating, and disturbing: I didn't know that slavery was still around. but it is. all over the world in fact. Check out this site for what people are doing to stop it.
This is interesting below. Bishop Spong is right on the money. Part of the new “emerging paradigm” in Christianity. If all the religions had a few guys like Bishop John Shelby Spong, then the world would be a better place, and well on its way to recovery from it’s long hypnotic state.
Chris from Chicago writes:
"How can Christians believe that of Jesus' 46 chromosomes, 23 were contributed by a human and 23 by a non-human? If this was true and Jesus was unique wouldn't that make all other religions irrelevant? But "virgin births" are not unique to Christianity. They are present in many mythologies. Isn't the Council of Nicea's pronouncement on Jesus' divinity just a pre-emption to provide security and control? I don't believe there has been a single human being in the history of the world that didn't have two human parents, including Jesus.
Carlyle thought Jesus' father might have been a Roman soldier. If Jesus were illegitimate, that would go a long way to explaining his antipathy to his mother (see Mark 3:31-35, Mark 6:1-6, and John 2:1-11). Of course, you never hear the Catholic Church quoting the passage in Mark in any of its liturgies where Jesus replies to a question with, "Why do you call me good? Only God is good (Mark 10:18)."
Dear Chris,
You raise a series of very good questions. Many Christians, especially those in academic centers do not believe that of Jesus' 46 chromosomes, 23 were contributed by a non-human. If that were true it would mean that Jesus was not fully human, which is half of the Christ claim traditionally made by the Church. Virgin births are not unique to Christianity. That was the traditional way ancient societies explained their larger than life figures. No, I am quite convinced Jesus had a human mother and a human father. Please remember the Pauline claim that "God was in Christ, reconciling" was written decades before the virgin birth story entered Christian written history. A virgin birth was not part of the original Kerygma. It was added to the Christ story in the ninth decade of the Christian era.
First century people also did not understand genetics or the reproductive process. These ancient ones, caught as they were in an assumed patriarchy, did not see the woman as contributing to birth anything more than her nurturing womb. So if one wanted to speak of a person's divine origin, one had only to get rid of the human father. There was no need to get rid of the human mother, since her only function was to "nurture the divine seed."
But in 1724, the western world discovered that women have an egg cell and are, therefore, equal co-creators of every life that has ever lived. So if you literalize the myth of the Virgin Birth and pretend you are talking about biology, what you get is a Jesus with half human and half divine chromosomes. This would make him neither human nor divine but a kind of monster or at least something akin to a mermaid!
I do not know of a reputable New Testament scholar in the world today, Catholic or Protestant, who treats the birth stories about Jesus in Matthew and Luke as literal history. You might find one at Bob Jones University, Liberty Baptist College or Oral Roberts University. It also appears to be true that no Roman Catholic scholar will draw the proper conclusion from his or her scholarship and still be welcomed at the Vatican. Raymond Brown was the master politician on this subject prior to his death. The days of treating the birth narratives as history are simply over in scholarly circles and I think it is time we said so publicly.
I do not think that seeing the virgin birth as a mythological and symbolic way of saying we have met in this Jesus a God presence that human life could never have produced in no way invalidates the claim we make that God was in Christ. It does destroy the literalism in which we have bound him but I regard that as good riddance

In other news, the country is going crazy with RAGE over the current evil administration and their reaction to hurricane Katrina. A year ago, it seemed like just me along with a handful of others were the only ones who ever thought of taking real action. Now everyone is talking about it. Even on the subway tonight people were talking about it. what is the it? “what can WE do to change things? what can we do to take our country back?” Its all anyone who give a shit is talking about... if people are not talking about this, then they are still asleep. See the email below that was forwarded to me today:

----- Forwarded message from Jet -----
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 2005 15:33:05 -0400
From: Jet
Reply-To: Jet
Subject: Politically Incorrect version of the email that I sent
about the Hurricane
To: Providence K

All right ladies,
Brace yourselves, I'm not holding back here. George Bush is a
problem?! This is completely unacceptable! The fascist moron
said so himself. This mother fucker needs to be IMPEACHED!

It's time for us to TAKE BACK THIS COUNTRY! Do you know what I'm
saying? God
I'm so pissed off, sad and angry. I'm so mother fucking SICK and
disaster hits. That could have been YOUR mom or MY mom. What the
hell is
going to happen to us in a natural disaster or another terrorist

We NEED to do something. Please help me figure out what. Do we all
run for
public office? Do we move to another state I mean what the hell do
we do? I
mean what in God's mother-fucking name do we do? Pardon all the
French but I
am beside myself with rage, emotion, I just can't take this anymore.


anyway, jet and providence and I are heading to union square this weekend to attend some rallies and talk about what we can do together to take some action.

dear transcendence diaries readers, no matter what, watch this whole little two minute movie that she is referring to:

bro watch that and then you will then understand better what it is like here right now... it is awful now in America. everyone is really angry or sad. everywhere... even in the cigars stores everyone just sits around sad... its quite painful right now here because of all these different things happening at once. interesting.

Hi Jet,
My name is Fishy. I am a recently new acquaintance of Providence's. I agree with you one hundred percent and so do a lot of other people. it is all anyone is talking about.

We should talk/brainstorm. You can email me or I would be happy to call you whenever you get a chance. My cell is xxxxxxxx.

Listen, have you seen the movie the weather underground? Important in today’s times I believe.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jxxx []
Sent: Wednesday, September 07, 2005 4:42 PM
To: .: Fishy
Subject: Re: Politically Incorrect version of the email that I sent about the Hurricane

Hey Fishy,
Yeah I have seen that movie and it has popped into my head more than a
few times since the hurricane and when I was writing my angry email to
my friends. I'll give you a call this Friday or this weekend. Lets talk.

HI Jet --
Excellent. I look forward to it. I like where you are coming from. I am pretty involved in political and social activism already, but still don't think that we are doing what we really need to be doing... I would like to see real change versus bullshit marches and petitions that don't do anything. Your email resonated with me deeply.

go here and watch this :

and then go here and watch this: Link:


hey Jules, thanks for the email!
Totally to what you said.
But you know what? I'm here now:
I had a repiphany (that's hers by the way-- she's good like that). but I'm here:
Any girl is either going to totally turn me on mentally spiritually and sexually/physically, or I'm going to let her off the hook... its got to be the whole package. Great ass and great brains and great heart. not two out of three. not again.

O.k. check it:

Please read this letter from Michael Moore below: this is EXACTLY what I am talking about:

Little armies forming around the country/world(perhaps) that do what the governments don't/won't/aren't yet.

It is happening now.

Exactly what accented our conversations on all day on Sunday in that little group I was in.... the “but what can we do?” conversation...

Psyched, BUT we have a lot to do to get the transcendence army off the ground and running.

Lets talk when you have a chance.

There is much to be said and done about the manmade annihilation of New Orleans, caused NOT by a hurricane but by the very specific decisions made by the Bush administration in the past four and a half years. Do not listen to anyone who says we can discuss all this later. No, we can't. Our country is in an immediate state of vulnerability. More hurricanes, wars, and other disasters are on the way, and a lazy bunch of self-satisfied lunatics are still running the show.
So, in the next few days, I will write to you about what must be done about Bush and Co.
But today I want you to join with me in bypassing the colossally inept and incompetent Bush administration and get help DIRECTLY to the people of the New Orleans area -- right now.
A lot of you have written me to ask what you can do. Many don't know who to trust. Many want to do more than write a check. You are right to think that writing checks to relief agencies will not get water and aid to people in the next 48 hours. Checks will be needed later and can be written later.
I have a way, though, for each and every one of us to do something today that can affect people's lives TODAY.
For the past few days I've been working with a group that, I guarantee you, will get direct aid to the people who need it most.
Cindy Sheehan, the brave woman who dared to challenge Mr. Bush at his summer home, has now sent her Camp Casey from in front of Bush's ranch to the outskirts of New Orleans. The Veterans for Peace have taken all the equipment and staff of volunteers and set up camp in Covington, Louisiana, on the shores of Lake Pontchartrain. They are accepting materials and personally distributing them to those in need.
This is where we come in. We need to ship supplies to them immediately. Today they need the following:
Paper plates, paper towels, toilet paper, baby diapers, baby wipes, baby formula, Pedialyte, baby items in general, powder, lotion, handy wipes, sterile gloves, electrolytes, LARGE cans of veggies, school supplies, and anything else to lift people's spirits.
You can ship these items by following the instructions on Or you can deliver them there in person. The roads to Covington are open. Here's how to get there. You can drop them off or you can stay and participate (if you stay, you'll be camping so bring your own tent and gear and mosquito spray).
If you can't ship these items or go there in person, then go to and make an immediate donation through PayPal. Camp Casey-Covington will have immediate access to this cash and can buy the items themselves from stores that are open in Louisiana (all donations to Veterans for Peace, are tax deductible).
Each day I will post up-to-the minute information as to what is needed and the progress Camp Casey is making. Please visit often and do what you can to help.
Many other groups are also doing good work. has set up a system for people to offer rooms in their homes to the survivors.
There is no time to waste. People are suffering and dying. Each of us can do something. There is no other alternative.
Thank you in advance for your help. Tomorrow, we will take care of the other work we need to do about the ideologically hamstrung incompetents in charge.
Michael Moore

Sept 7th
I am in this state of stagnation right now due to the ongoing legal battle with Cleopatra etc. so there is no money and no resources. Not a lot I can do right now as far as new business or new ventures... so it’s a rather slow period. It is like my life is on hold so I have had to be really diligent to keep getting things done regardless... working around the money issue and the fact that much of my time has to stay focused on this case. What I have been doing is a lot of cleanup both personal and physical. A lot of exercising. Meditating and personal work obviously... also just organizing, filing. That type of thing. tonight I began going through the ‘my documents’ folder in msword in order to just delete files I no longer need. good stuff. I came across all the Achievements lists I had been making each year since ’99. this is an exercise that Tony Robbins teaches that I loved. But I totally forgot about. you just keep a list of all of your accomplishments for every year so at the end of the year you can go back and reread them and celebrate all of your big wins and get more juice. This is a great exercise I highly recommend to everyone I know.

I read through them and felt two different emotions at the same time. On the one hand I felt a real sense of joy and elation from reading each year and seeing how much I had accomplished over the years. I relived the experiences and really felt a divine sense of pride. On the other hand I also felt a kind of sadness about this year and last year, as if they were pretty dead years... in fact, I noticed that I didn't even start achievement lists for 2004 or 2005. so I immediately started them both and have started going from memory just trying to remember all the great things I have done or accomplished so as not to get discouraged about the last two years... but I'll tell you, that from ‘98 to 2003 I was kicking ass. I read these lists and it reminds me of what I am really capable of. And when you read them in order from year to year you can see the progress you make and also how each year builds upon the previous year... its great stuff. 2001 is below for no real reason but it was just a kick ass year and really inspiring to me. they were all good. but 2001 kicks serious ass. Have to get back to this practice and have to get back to really living the life of my dreams as I once did as evidenced by these lists from the past.

Achievements 2001

Street magazine called to interview me about the making of music video
Went to San Jose, California for the first time to visit the King and Lady Beth Ann
Great health trade show in California for Ageless Foundation –met Singapore account reps who love our product
Went to Wizards Course for the first time—made a lot of new friends—Simone, Richard, Douglas, cleaned up more than ever have before. feel great.
Got the GNC account for Ageless Foundation. Huge money in that.
Released first product on my own record label, TMG Records—the journey dance remix maxi single
Opening up many international accounts for Ageless Foundation
Developing fiber product with a Dr.
Bought another house in Coconut Grove for Cleopatra to live in since we are separating
Rented out our Boca Raton house – we are now landlords = positive cash flow!
Rented out our Boca Raton condo
Cleopatra and I separating because we can't get it to work—it feels like the right thing to do, though it is sad...
Went to Winter Music Dance Conference to debut new dance remix of the Journey song
Buying lots of music dvd’s—studying live shows of other artists
Saw the Grand Canyon for the first time
Getting into electronica music
Bought a BMW 325ic and joined the BMW racing club so I can learn to race
Bought my first suit—DKNY black
Bought another tuxedo—flew to New York. D & G beautiful
Bought Cleo a mountain bike
Started wizards journal
Went to a rave
Slept with a pro — very cool experience
Got my first major hair cut since I was 21. feels so weird
Picked up two lizards to save them – I hated that kind of thing so it was a growing move
Studying dogs now—thinking about getting one
Dated this 23 year old named Kelli—funny but fun
Have my own personal assistant now. cannot believe how much I can get done now
Started having weekly meetings at office—fun, family, inspiring,
Received box of Cuban cigars as a thank you from family that I helped bring to America who are escaping from Venezuela
Set up Now Age Press radio show with Craig Gordon and helped him fund his now age press website
Helping E get healthy and lose weight
Fixing up new house
Bought handspring visor and made transition to it
Delivered Avatar course to 5 people—three of them employees, one my attorney and one my good friend Kerri.
Bought great new compact stereo which looks and sounds awesome
Wrote a great letter to Cleo’s parents which was great for all of us – basically committed to them that the breakup was a good idea, and that I was committing to making sure Bas always had a roof over his head, a good job, money in his pocket, good advice when I could supply it, and would get through college.
Putting Bas through college since I never got the opportunity myself – feels AWESOME
Went to new York to meet with personal image consultant Kalima and getting custom clothing made. rocks!
Started dating other girls again = weird! dating scene is crazy.
Went to a gothic fetish party experience---absolutely wild.
Bought a book on BMW’s and Rolls Royces
Joined a very exclusive and wonderful health club overlooking the ocean.
Getting single implants put in my mouth to correct my teeth.
Watching all the old movies especially the Cary Grant movies.
Building a huge CD collection—totally unheralded.
Saw Philip Glass live in concert two nights. And Laurie Anderson.
Doing the AIR—Avatar integrity rundown—getting great results.
Formulated my own B vitamin formula.
Expanding the product line to five separate versions.
Getting transcendence website up on the Internet.
Getting Fishy up on the Internet—it is becoming a reality. Will be called the Transcendence Diaries.
Incredible song-writing phase with a few destined classics—vicodin, waiting for my super hero girl, keep moving on, dream big dream brother, biggest loser in the world, you don't know me, girls, believe it and you’ll see… many more...
Hired a live in housekeeper and cook from Brasil—so I am also learning more Portuguese. cannot imagine how much this helps and inspires.
Got the Tree of Life account. Huge.
G. Gordon Liddy endorsment. Turned him down due to his politics. felt good.
Howard Stern people called. Turned him down too. felt even better. (Cleo hates me for this because she thought it was a bad business move, but she doesn’t get yet that there are some things more important than money. morals and values for one thing)
Got elected as a voting member of NARAS—I can now vote on and attend the Grammy awards every year. good stuff.
Got east coast distribution for the new album!
Released the rise and shine album = awesome CD release party.
Started getting college radio airplay all over the country. charting on stations for the first time. awesome feeling.


Now that's a fucking year! I Have to get back to this kind of living... man, what the hell have I been doing the last two years? crazy. where did Fishy go? is what I start to think when I read these lists... where the hell did that Fishy go? I'm not being totally unreasonably here. I can see that 2004 was alright. I sold my house for a big profit and the car and moved to New York on my own, a big accomplishment for sure, started filming a TV show, released a new album that charted on over 100 stations, and started recording two more, but that's about all I can think of... and 2005 man this year has really just been shit. I did start learning French, and kickboxing, got to spend time with Princess Little Tree which was amazing... but that's about it so far... what do we have? three or four more months left? I have to kick it into overdrive. I'll tell you though, if I can just get through this whole thing with Cleopatra once and for all and have real closure with that aspect of my life that will be a huge accomplishment. But other than that, have to get a lot more out of this year. have to kick it into SUPER-DUPER OVERDRIVE FROM THIS POINT ON.

Last screening: the boys upstairs loaned me this movie called Monsters Inc. it’s a kid’s movie I guess. I just finished watching it because I couldn’t sleep... I think I just had some kind of an epiphany experience watching that little kid run around in the movie. By the end I was in tears. Maybe I'm just over tired and stressed from all the craziness. But I was so overwhelmed with this warm and fuzzy feeling of wanting to have kids... I mean, I was sobbing like a baby from deep within... actual tears. feeling like I haven't been a hundred percent honest with myself the last few months or years in regards to relationships... I spend so much time thinking about politics and changing the world, and boosting my career, and gaining money and all that, and so much time preaching against marriage and forever commitments, I think I started to believe it myself, focused on the whole playboy thing, and on girls because of how hot they are or fashionable, and how many I can get and what countries I can conquer next and all that and yet deep within there is this overwhelming longing to have a family... you know, but it was buried pretty deep. I just keep telling myself that I can have all that “one day” and not one day soon, but far away... but while I was watching this movie... I think it was the first time I ever understood what that must be like. It was the first time I understood Beaver and how happy he must be having his two little girls... wow. I never got it before. God, I know that every morning I have the same prayer. “Lord help me today to be closer to the man I have always known I could be and wanted to be.” But I'm adding an addition to it: “God, guide me to my wife and the mother of my children. I'm ready now. whenever the time is right. I'm ready to meet her.”

Current spin: Chopin’s four ballads, played by Evgeny Kissin. Wow. beautiful! like listening to God speak.

Sept 6th 2005
It is all anyone speaks of right now. no matter where you go. no matter what you watch or listen to. people are pissed and scared and concerned in America. I think even the red-staters are starting to ask themselves “just what the hell IS happening anyway?” America has reached a sort of climax point, a boiling point. We have military troops in over fifty different countries right now. the majority of which are in Iraq and Afghanistan. Oil and gas prices are concerning everyone. The unjustified Iraq invasion after all the lies and deceptions that were revealed was enough to cause everyone suspicion and outrage. Compound that with the new information constantly coming off about the stolen election in 2000 and many other general American atrocities committed in our name without our knowledge and you have the makings of a pissed off or dead asleep and numbed out population. Its an either/or thing now. people are either outraged, or they just don't have a clue.

Add to that this new natural disaster down in the southeast and it’s the scent of a revolution. Someone commented today that all we need now is another natural disaster or a terrorist attack and its going to start pushing people over the edge. The people are finally going to see what a huge mistake the Bush vote was, and in the larger picture, how important voting and paying attention to social and political causes is. I'm telling you, I've never seen anything like it in my lifetime, but then again, I'm young. I know it was much worse here in the sixties, that's for sure. The question on everyone’s mind now is ‘o.k. what are we going to do? what can we do?”

Well remember about this time last year when I first got the idea about the General, I had watched the documentary about THE WEATHER UNDERGROUND. Really makes you think now:

Check it: “A sobering documentary about a group of 1960s "committed freedom fighters" known as The Weather Underground. A radical offshoot of the Students for a Democratic Society, the Weathermen didn't just march or sit in; they rioted and bombed -- not to change the American political scene but rather to destroy it. The organization was part of a global trend of revolution that sprang from the belief that not acting against violence is violence. “

This is a great example, one of the many, of what is currently happening in America. Funny, sure. But also sad and very symptomatic of what we are going through now in this country:

To view Kanye west’s comments on live TV about Bush, go here:

God I love this country. we fucking rule. O.k. so our government currently sucks ass, but we the people totally rock!!!

> -----Original Message-----
> From: Providence []
> Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2005 2:01 PM
> To: .: Fishy
> Subject: thursday
> yes, i'll be at the art opening on thursday so i'll see you then.
> took a quick look at "what is avatar". sounds very buddhistic.
> -P

Quoting ".: Fishy" wrote:

Hey P,

> “Totally. I LOVED it. I am a devout Avatar. A lot of the
> foundation of it was from the Vedas and from Buddhism.”

-----Original Message-----
From: providence []
Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2005 2:21 PM
To: .: Fishy
Subject: avatar

hey Fishy,
ah, the lightbulb just turned on. re your signature, that's the
harry palmer you referred to in your notes on AINY. you most
likely know way more about buddhism than i do.

if "our essential nature is nonviolent", how does a devout Avatar
like yourself justify violence?


hey P--
the answer to your question...
For me it comes down to constantly shifting identities... depending on the need I guess...

An invader comes into your home and tries to hurt your family, what do you do? you know... you go for violence. Period. And right now an invader has come into our home. lets put it that way.

I would think that in the long run we may get to a state of non-violence in human consciousness... but what about NOW? that's what I struggle with...

Hey Fishy,
“>but what about NOW? that's what I struggle with...”

I think we're experiencing a large-scale shift in consciousness right now. a transformation toward non-violence and enlightenment. it's not immediately apparent but it's there if you look for it.
I've become more and more aware of it this past year, running into random people (complete strangers or purely acquaintances) of all ages and parties quite frequently and all of a sudden we're talking about this shift.

I've heard all sorts of theories about it (one of which has to do with the end of the mayan calendar) but whatever the reason, it seems to exist.

can't go into detail via email (gotta run down to the village), but it's something i've been thinking about a lot and it seems to produce more questions than answers.


-----Original Message-----
From: Providence []
Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2005 8:28 PM
To: .: Fishy
Subject: RE: avatar

just read "2003 Special Report on Avatar®". i really like what
Harry palmer said in his commencement address. totally sounds like
this spiritual transformation shift i was talking about.

i especially like that he discourages the guru mentality. not that
one can't develop a healthy guru/student relationship but from what
i've observed, this practice is too often abused either by the
teacher, the student, or both.

i'd like to check out the courses some day. despite it all sounding
good, i have to admit that i'm very skeptical about the whole thing.
there are too many organizations out there that look and sound like
the real thing (whatever that real thing is) but really aren't.


Hey P,
I can only tell you how I feel about it, my own personal experiences with it. Right now Avatar may be the most enlightened thing happening on the planet as far as a course/practical tools, meaning: you go do something and get something out of it. as opposed to a book where you just read and try to "do stuff" on your own. I don't know what else to say but that I agree with what you wrote below, am totally skeptical myself, know everything that's out there, and found and still find Avatar to be unbelievably profound magical and enlightening and I took the course for the first time ten years ago! And still return to take courses about once a year or once per two years. And I use the tools everyday, every hour. you know, you live as an Avatar so to speak. Just like anything else...

You know how people study Buddhism or Hinduism or go to unity church and all that and they spend so much time studying and pray and chanting and meditating and they feel good for a brief period here or there but they still don't get those major shifts that they are reading about or praying for or mediating on... and what's missing is the practical application of real workable tools. And that's what he did. he just took that stuff and turned it into a series of courses where you learn tools with others and then practice using those tools together.

I'll put it to you this way. by day three you will be sitting there with your mouth kind of half open realizing that you are FEELING what you always used to READ about in Buddhism/Taoism/Hinduism/new age/self help literature... right now it’s THE course. may not last forever. you know, I think that consciousness is expanding so quickly as you are saying, that there is probably something even more enlightening bubbling out there right now... we just don't know about it. but for now it’s the most advanced and yet simple thing I know of for getting you THERE. in that space we currently call "enlightenment."

There's no bullshit in it. its like someone just came and stripped all the bullshit out of it. he doesn’t even try to explain stuff. its very Buddhist in that. when asked about you know all the typical universal truths that religion and philosophy try to answer, Harry always just shrugs his shoulders and says "you never know." and everyone laughs.... because you're in this room with hundreds or thousands of other people from all over the planet who have that same understanding of "we don't know. so in the meantime, what do we know? and what can we do with it?"

Truly awesome knowledge and toolkit. And a great network of people as well. I think the first time you experience it you almost go into shock as you're reading the knowledge and doing the exercises because you are thinking, holy shit, why doesn’t the whole world know about this? its that type of thing. you realize that "we are already there. Its just that most of the world doesn’t know it yet." Its good stuff. I highly encourage you to check out the living deliberately book when you get a chance.


current spin: Mahalia Jackson, gospels, spirituals, and hymns. This is AMAZING MUSIC. FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY MOVING, PASSIONATE, AND BEAUTIFUL.