Friday, October 31, 2003

With Princess last night. We were cruising down the strip listening to Jay Z and P. diddy and Outkast and she couldn’t believe I had all the hottest tracks. I don't even know if I enjoyed myself though. I mean a part of me is into the whole idea of collecting experiences, you know. its like that for me. always has been. like a pirate. Somehow I am able to warden a part of myself off so while another part goes off in these adventures collecting experiences and treasures. So last night was another one. but I don't think that these kind of adventures, as much fun and rare and exciting as they are, satisfy my heart or my soul as much as other things could. I can always tell cause I wake up the next day feeling weird rather than good. When I was cruising last night and some other things were going on that I won't mention, I'm thinking, yea this is cool. Cool breeze blowing through our hair, the lights, the beats are pumping. But I kept thinking about the front page of the society section of the New York Times that I ripped out and hung up on my wall a few weeks back. George Plimpton had these book parties for like forty years at his apartment in New York before he died. Real intellectual affairs. I have the pic on my wall now to remind me to get the hell out of here just as soon as we are done recording the new album. 

This is the type of thing that Bas and Ferret and The Tortoise and the guys in the band find deadly boring---and we just really veer apart on these type of things. I can see them looking at me now, standing there brooding, just hating me for bringing them to these affairs on the rare occasion that I do. they hate it when I take them to stuff where its not just a big drunken fuck fest; which is understandable certainly. Who doesn’t like a big drunken fuck fest after all? But I think for me it would be heaven to start hanging out in my own environment again a bit more. I miss affairs like that terribly. Not getting them in Miami. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out. The real question may be so why do you live there then? Yeah I know. Long story. Got me thinking, maybe that's not the rock singer thing, which has always sort of been one of my many dilemmas, but I don't know if I really am too much of the rock singer except that I happen to be a singer in a rock band. [just read a review of Edie Brickel’s new one in Blender Mag and the guy says “if her new album was a TV station, it would be PBS: sincere and dull.” I had to do a double take. I'm like ‘I love PBS.’ I don't think its dull at all. but then I remembered that when I was a real little kid I did used to think PBS was dull. Real dull. I hated it. and I was too young to understand the concept of sincere. But yea man I could relate to that, but not for decades now. once you grow up you really start digging on PBS.

So then I'm thinking man how old is this guy writing the review of Edie’s new album? 7 or 8? I mean what's up? Or could it just be me? Since I was 16 I stopped getting into the smash em up action adventure movies. Man I'm lying. I never got into them. not even as a kid. I always thought they were irrelevant and stupid. Even as a kid. Seriously I was lucky to make it out of childhood alive AND sane. [o.k. perhaps I didn't make it out quite ‘sane,’ but last time I checked I was still alive. But I did have the perception to understand that I was in the minority. Everyone around me was always so into these dumb action adventure movies. I remember being in junior high and we all went to see the new Rambo movie. I went along even though I didn't know what Rambo was. I couldn’t stop laughing cause it seemed so dumb. But I was assured by my buds that it was not a comedy. And this was one of the pretty good ones. By the middle of the movie, I was thinking what the hell am I doing in this stupid movie? I started looking around me, and all my friends were really into it, mouths dangling open, fists pumped up in the air. And I'm thinking oh fuck mission control we have a problem. I think I got off on the wrong planet, or in the wrong time zone or something. I started realizing that I was just totally not connected to everyone else in my age group. 

Thursday, October 30, 2003

In order to find the girl of your dreams, you have to be the man of her dreams. if you are looking for this amazing, intelligent, cultured, well mannered, well spoken, dazzling, sparkling, educated, beautiful woman of class, elegance, and style that is going to blow you away, and keep you forever inspired and stimulated, then make sure that you are being the kind of man that she is looking for. Do you understand Fishy? so who are you being? That is the real question. I can feel that. Do you think there is such a thing? What?

You know, like someone who is going to keep you happy and inspired forever...
For some people there is. For others perhaps not. That is up to you to decide for yourself. 
I think of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Are they any worse off now that they have divorced and are with other people now? No probably not. Have they broken some code of honor or something? Or is it just the cycle of life and they’re just going with the flow of it? 
Yea I can dig that. and what's more, sometimes I think, man its prob better to just move on if you're in a dead end relationship or marriage that's not making either of you happy. In the old days there was this perception that it was bad or wrong or “a sin” to get divorced. Couples felt compelled to just suffer through their miserable marriages. But I think that's just a religious thing, and these days who believes in religion anyway. 

When you are an indie band, everyone is always trying to get you to get on some unsigned compilation CD, or get you on some unsigned or local radio show. But we always refuse. Same with the locals nights at clubs. That type of thing. Signed used to mean you had a contract with a major label. But now there are only a few major labels left. Because of all the monopolization and cannibalism that has gone on in the industry. There are just as many “signed” acts who never get heard of or make any money as indie acts, hundreds of them. The days of “signed” and “unsigned” are over. There's always going to be bands that consider themselves “unsigned” or local. And that's their choice. But good bands who aren't signed with majors but who are signed with indie labels have a better shot of making money than a lot of the bands I know who are signed to major labels. Those guys just sit around for months and months and years sometimes waiting to be a priority to some suit they’ve never even met. Fuck that. I think now its just like the film industry was a few years ago, when all of a sudden all these independent films were being nominated and winning academy awards. We get so many offers for unsigned stuff cause we aren't on a major and we always turn them down because we are not unsigned. We are signed. To an indie. And if people want to turn the insidious monopoly around that the music business has always been then they need to start changing how they're doing things. what they're saying, and how they're saying it. When artists like Aimee Mann and Prince are “unsigned” and people like Britney and “take a look at the top ten” are “signed” then there is definitely a revolution that needs to happen here. 

Last screening: buffalo bill and the Indians. An old Robert Altman movie with Paul Newman and a young Harvey Keitel. Cool because my great grandfather was the musical director for Buffalo Bill Cody’s Wild West traveling show for a while in the 1880’s and 90’s. so this was interesting for that. but really we are just trying to find films about the native American holocaust and we cannot find any accurate portrayals of what happened in American film. I promised my Jewish friends that I would not make this comparison (for they feel that it could potentially have an effect of somehow minimizing the tragedy of the Jewish holocaust—which is obviously not my intention) but I cannot help thinking about this. I just cannot believe that there have been so many films about the Jewish holocaust and none about the Native Americans’. You can’t find one accurate movie about what happened to them. its crazy. 95 million people from one race killed over a period of 400 years by an invading group of other races. Hundreds of tribes completely wiped off the planet by the invading Europeans. There are hundreds of cowboy and Indian movies, hundreds. And they are all twisted, bigoted, biased, propaganda films no different than the propaganda films Nazi Germany made about the Jews. Their only intention to bias the people against the Native Americans and cheer for the copyboys (invading white men). Its just crazy. and I can’t believe it. I am a part of this big cover up. we all are. we live here. Everytime I see movies where the white man/European is on a horse and sings the national anthem or says “land of the free and home of the brave” it makes my stomach churn. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Dear Cat,

You are in London now I hear. We haven't spoken in so long. I know that you think that you need to distance your self from certain friends that you had when you were with the Wolf. It is understandable that you would feel this way. I think we all do it when we break up. 

It is ironic that I saw you more since you broke up than the Wolf. It is an irony like out of a movie. And then for you to decide that because I am or was friends with him that you would distance yourself from me and the Brown Bear. I think this is really funny. I hadn't actually been close with the Wolf for many years. we just started growing apart. But I had been getting closer and closer to you for many years. it could make a great screenplay. Anyway, I still feel the same way about you as I relate in my calls to you. You’ll always be a sister to me. I have a profound love for you and the kids. And for the Wolf too of course. (and the Brown Bear tells me every time we speak how much he misses you just so you know.) I just think that over the years that I ended up having more in common with you. more of a simpatico so to speak. Talking about it today with a friend, we realized that you don't have to stay friends with people forever. its o.k. to have your friendships for as long as they last. But at the same time, its important to let your friends know how you feel. 

You meant a lot to me over the years. you gave me a lot of certain things. Love and support and fun and companionship. So I will always remember that. you guys were like my family away from home. so I honor you still and wish you the best for your future even if we don't hang for a while. when you get that close to someone I don't even think it matters after a while if you hang. You are already so close, its like you are connected through the air that you both breathe. 
I hope the new boy in your life turns out to be awesome and you guys live happily ever after! If he ever fucks up please let me know, and I will personally fuck his shit up to no end. 

I think a lot about this now. how our friendships come and go throughout our lives. Some of the people we think are the most important at one time in our lives disappear after a while. who stays? Who lasts forever? family I guess. Family maybe. Its true. Me and the Wolf have continued to drift apart as friends. We just don't have anything in common anymore. Same thing with Coon. Haven't seen or talked to him in years. and me Toad don't even hang out anymore. Haven't in years. but we still talk on the phone. And its weird cause when we talk I still feel like I am talking to a brother. Like he's my twin brother or something. Lost touch with Guru years ago. Heard he got married. I didn't even know about it. I told Toad that it broke my heart not to even know about it. I was trying to play it down how it made me feel. I think that sometimes the tendency is there for us to beat ourselves over losing touch with our friends. But maybe that's not the point of friendships. Maybe they're meant to come in and out of our lives. Maybe they don't necessarily have to last forever. its nice though when they do last a long time. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Arnold is now a governor of one of our States here in America. And to make it even weirder, the Florida Marlins beat the New York Yankees in the World Series [the world series???? Isn't it only American baseball teams that actually participate in the world series? What “world” are they referring to exactly?]. Forest fires are burning through California destroying thousands of homes. And in other news—this is just so hard—almost impossible to believe: 

Report Says Iraq Contracts Reek of Cronyism
 October 03, 04:14 PM ET

By Sue Pleming 
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Many of the U.S. firms doing billions of dollars of work in Iraq and Afghanistan have been big donors to President Bush and his Republican Party and fill their boards with political and military heavyweights, a report on Thursday said. More... 

Monday, October 27, 2003

God I just watched the most haunting thing.
Remember when those terrorists from Chechnya took prisoner of all those people in that Russian theatre?
Yes it was awesome. 
Awesome you say?! You're taking cruelty to a new level Fishy! Are you a madman?!
Yes, perhaps, but they aren't terrorists. They're people just like you and me, trying to defend themselves against another country who has taken over their country and who has been stealing from them for hundreds of years. It's unfortunate what they did but maybe it was the only way... I don't know... fight fire with fire they say...
Well yeah they were interviewing all these Russians and they were saying the same thing actually. they say they hate them for killing their families, but they understand why they are doing it. it was really disturbing. 
Well how else are they going to get their country back?
But don't you see that its that attitude that you have that causes the violence to continue on and on? They interviewed the Russian women and they were saying they couldn’t believe that these were actually Chechen women doing this to them and killing all these people. Its just sad. 
Well that's what I mean. They accomplished what they wanted to. they brought awareness to their cause. That's what they were trying to do. so it worked. It sucks and its sad, but it worked. I'm playing devil’s advocate here a little, but c'mon, what if some big country did that to us here in America? we’d be doing the same thing till we got control of our country back. we’d do whatever it takes...
Yea but now the Russian people hate the Chechen people even more. and now they're just going to retaliate.  
Well that's because they don't get it yet and they are stupid barbarians. 
You're nice man. Real nice...
Well its true. More and more people will die. But I bet you that now there's a few more Russian people that will wake up to what's going on there. dude when that first happened I was just as horrified as everyone else, so I sat down with a big tall cup of coffee and researched it. I started studying the history of Chechnya and the Russian invasion in the encyclopedias and two hours later I understood what was going on. Its just that the media is forced to lie to us, not just in Russia but here too. The truth is there, you just have to look it up in the encyclopedia, so I'm not saying it’s a total cover up, but you're not going to hear the truth on the news. I don't know what America has to gain from covering it up but its just total imperialist bullshit. They call these people terrorists and “rebels” on the news and in the papers. They're not rebels. They're people just like you and me trying to defend themselves form invaders just like we would if it happened here.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

You know how sometimes you are really behind in your work, you just have so much you are in the middle of and then someone says c'mon lets go out tonight or come hang out in the Hamptons or whatever for the weekend, and there is this real temptation to go for it. people will tell you, live a little, or all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, or you have to learn to relax, there's so many. We hear them all the time. and man that's true. You have to learn, I have to learn, to balance having a good life with achieving your goals. But this morning I was thinking about all the work that I am in the middle of right now. sometimes you can be made to feel guilty for not being as social as others may want you to be. but in the end it is going to make a real difference. Even now at this age we see the differences. And we’re still young. Between the people who go out every weekend and drink and party and all that and the ones who are more focused on some driving passion. and I believe that although I am not yet of the age to know this for sure but I bet that in ten or twenty years when people are in their forties and fifties I think the differences are going to be even more pronounced. And its going to be a difference in quality of life and in access to goods and services. There are people who are just totally passionate and driven. And then beyond that there are people who are almost mad in their ambition. They are beyond passionate. I'm somewhere around there. I'm not saying that one way is better than another. It’s a big world and different strokes for different folks. But what I am saying is that I don't think you have to feel guilty if sometimes you just have to stay really focused on working and you can’t go out or hang out with your friends for a while. Just until you build things up to get to where you want to be. Some people are aiming high. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. Especially times like now, when I am working seven days a week, with no breaks, not even taking time for the basics like going to the gym. Beaver is doing the same thing. Working six days a week, sixty hour weeks and going to college at night. crazy. the kid is out of his mind. But we know. when we know, we know. you know what you want. [we watched mom do the same thing. A single mom in her early twenties raising two sons by herself. Dirt poor just starting off. And by the time me and Beaver were teenagers she was insanely wealthy. She had achieved the American dream before she hit 35, all on her own. through her own brains and hard work. How she lost that money is another story and can best be summed by four very important words: always get a pre-nup. That was mom’s big lesson. Lets hope me and Beav don't make the same one.] I have a lot of friends who don't even own houses or anything and they are always complaining about their money situation. But then come the weekend they take the whole time off and go out and drink and hang out with their friends. And I always think, this person deserves to be where they are. that is why they are where they are. no one is going to hold your hand and kick your ass into working double time. You either want to do it or you don't. But if you don't do it, don't envy your buddy’s Porsche or mansion. Cause you are where you are because of how you live each day. you see these chicks from the hood working at the drive through sometimes, or wherever. And then you find out they're driving twenty thirty minutes to get there because they make more money there than they do in their own hood and they're going to school at night on top of it. And I drive away so impressed and inspired by that person. you want to send them a little magic dust, like whisper a prayer for them. cause you know in ten years they are going to be in a much different place than someone else their age who instead sat and complained about being born in the hood and how hard it is and how you can’t get out. And that takes some balls and some courage and some strength and some self discipline. And a good dose of luck doesn’t hurt either.  

Last screening: kissing Jessica stein. What a fun movie. 

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Arlan Feiles has a new album out. Actually it is his first, which is ridiculous and ironic, because he has been making music for years and years. I have heard the best that a man can do and it is in the music of Arlan Feiles. 

Bas and I watching MTV subterranean. So boring we were screaming. Some indie band is being interviewed and they are very slow and stupid and not flashy and he points and says “this is why rock is dead man! Because guys like this talking about nothing cannot compete with the blacks and how flashy and exciting they are. how do you expect to make a name for yourself if you're giving interviews like this?! Fishy promise me that your interviews for sleep with you won't be like this! Please man! This shit is so boring.” 

He is right. These rocker bands are so fucking slow and boring trying to be all cool. They don't say anything. I'm flipping through the bmg catalogue. Hundreds of where are they now bands in there. vertical horizon, 3 doors down, even matchbox who or Live can’t even get a break anymore. What's up? What’s going on? And what's the answer? 

Well I was very busy jamming in heaven because I found the greatest tone ever last night on this new Ernie ball music man axis sport guitar I just got on eBay for a ridiculously low price and I am running it through my marshal combo 2X12. so I'm jamming and I'm thinking about all this. is rock dead? I remembered the words I wrote to the song the journey a few years back when it first seemed like rock was dying, “rock and roll will never die as long as you and I keep buying. It’ll always fit in somewhere in between...” is rock and roll fitting somewhere in between now? Black music has taken over MTV now. [can you say that? is it somehow racist? Are we supposed to pretend we haven't noticed it? or just talk about in the privacy of our own homes? Are we supposed to act like we don't care? Like its all good? are we supposed to act like we don't miss seeing rock on MTV? Are we supposed to act like we don't notice that white music is just thrown in here and there every few hours in between basically black programming now, or worse yet, rock bands have to advertise now on MTV. That's the only way they actually get airplay, is in advertising. In between the new Jay Z video and the snoop dog show. I don't think its racist to notice it. I think its racist if you think there's something wrong with it maybe. But hey it’s the truth. There's nothing wrong with it. And its no ones fault. Its just our culture now. People are just obsessed with black music. The younger gens. Rosie tells me its even more extreme in the UK now. Its taken over. They should at least give us mtv2 though. If they're going to take over MTV, throw us a bone. Give us our rock and pop music people. fuck. Me and Bas and the boys in the band don't mind talking about it. and we don't think its racist. The fact is that we just want to see and hear more fucking rock music. So if MTV wants to be a black music channel, fine, but just give us our own channel where we can check out rock music. That's all. or at least a healthy balance. Is there any room for it? are the kids still going to dig on rock? Yea there's room. Rock is always going to fit in somewhere in between. Man we thought it was going to be a revolution last year. With the vines and hives and the strokes and the white stripes. Maybe it was. A tiny one. but it barely shook the rafters compared to rap and hip hop’s impact. They just bulldozed over everyone. Crazy. but the thing is that rock is making a huge comeback now. its amazing how its just coming out everywhere. maybe just not as popular anymore.

Talking on the phone with the Toad for the first in a long time. He's getting really popular with his whole Americana thing. He told me how he's doing with the whole baby thing. This girl from the local scene he was with only once ended up getting pregnant and decided to have the baby and keep it. a lot of this went down while I was in Europe. So of course he was freaking. And still is. Because now the baby is born. It’s a boy. Its not like they are going to be together or anything. She is a very pretty girl but just really over the top; a really out there kind of person. so he's pretty much stuck knowing and talking with her for the rest of his life. he’ll deal with it though. So I tell him about Elliot smith which he didn't know about yet. ‘God that was really dramatic. He really went for it. stabbing himself in the chest? Wow.” ‘yeah I know. crazy huh? You think he had a big enough following to become a legend now? I don't know if he had a big following lately.” “Oh yeah he’ll do fine. With that. yeah. Hey if he would have shot himself hey who knows? But stabbing his own heart, he won't become a Jim Morrison or anything, but yeah he’ll be up there with Jeff or Kurt pretty soon.” “Man I hope so. Cause he really deserves it doing that...”  

Current Spin: Arlan feiles new one. 
Last screening: Mystic River by Clint eastwood. Great movie. It was a ride. And an adventure. it was more like those old seventies movies where the plot itself is not that good and the writing is just o.k., so its not a story you remember, but the acting and the direction is just stellar so you walk away really happy and moved. Sean Penn was so amazing that I felt inspired as an artist. you appreciate him as an actor. And you appreciate the art of acting. 

Friday, October 24, 2003

We got an order for about 1200 CDs yesterday. This is great news. The radio campaign is underway. The CD is starting to chart in select cities. Everyone involved is very excited. I have made albums that have gotten a warm reception and I have been apart of albums that have just exploded because people were really excited about it. it is good to be a part of something that is exploding again. 

The company we hired---cdstreet---to host our shopping cart and provide merchant services to us so we could sell directly to our fans in order to make a higher profit rather than going through a distributor---it looks they have gone bankrupt. They have sold a lot of CDs to fans all over the country but are not shipping them out. They don't answer their phones. Uh oh. Its one thing after another right now. 

I spoke with the artisan today. I found out that a few weeks ago she told me this whole story and it was a lie. Girls and lies man. I just don't get it. I will never look at her the same way again. I could feel that in my gut. 

IRS emptied the bank accounts of one of the companies for back tax reasons. They stole over thirty-thousand dollars in the middle of the night. No warning, no precedent, no concern of the bad economy we are in and the struggle for American companies to stay afloat, no concern if checks were written against the money, just bam. Wicked beasts they are indeed. We just don't realize it till we hear about things like that or worse experience it for ourselves.

What a week indeed. Tomorrow is Saturday. I will work all day. Tonight I will drink till I cannot move and have completely forgotten it all.

I cannot stop thinking about the snow and cold weather. I need it. it is October here and it is still in the nineties. It is not natural. 

Current Spin: sleepy Jackson, Lovers album. check it out—cool retro eighties vibage but modern. 

Thursday, October 23, 2003

I think my dates are all fucked up, but I went to brunch this morning at my usual hang. by myself. I just needed some time by myself to sort things out and read the paper and relax. About an hour into my time there, I look up and who is walking in? Kelly Clarkston from the channel 11 news team. The same reporter who had interviewed me a few nights earlier. I think she was shocked to see me there so calm and peacefully minding my own business at such a mainstream place. ‘well if it isn't Mr. Fair Trade himself. Postponing the revolution to eat brunch of all things are you?! Isn’t this a bit risky? Aren't you worried that someone might see you in such a swank eatery? Mistake you for one of us...” “Revolutionaries do eat Kelly. And if I were you, I'd be more worried that someone might see you talking to one of the “evil-doer protestors.” Wouldn’t want to soil that perfectly contrived white bread American girl reputation would you.” “It certainly was an exciting week. What have you all got planned next? Where's the next battle? Republican national convention?” I laughed. “Funny you should say that. I guess you’ll just have to be on your toes and wait and see. But I'm glad we could be of some amusement to your viewers.” “Do you think that you all accomplished anything? Honestly?” “Well, look at this way. The talks ended when? Thursday? The old dinosaurs went their separate ways with a watered down agreement. And that was that. But your news team and many more from all over the world are still writing stories about the protests and the dire impact this will have on the world around us, and not the actual talks themselves, and here it is Sunday. So yeah I think we did something.” “Fair enough. It was good meeting you Fishy.” I stood up and we shook hands. “Enjoy your brunch. Good luck to you,” she said. “You too Kelly. Thanks for everything,” I said. And she walked off to her table.  

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Driving to the office today I saw a plane, a very large plane, flying from the east towards this large group of skyscrapers. My whole body tensed up. I watched the plane fly towards them or maybe behind them. I wasn't sure yet. Would it come out the other side, or was it about to fly into them? I watched and waited. Any minute I was going to see one of the buildings burst into flames because the plane crashed into it. God don't let it happen. When the plane finally appeared from behind the group of skyscrapers I breathed a sigh of relief. But I spent the next two hours very sad because of 9/11. Things are different now. Every time we see a plane.... Things are different for us in America. As soon as you think of it you just feel like crying.  

Elliot Smith is dead.

Elliott Smith Dies

Singer-songwriter was thirty-four

Elliott Smith, whose fragile melodies and voice positioned him as a Nick Drake for a new generation, died yesterday of a knife wound to the chest, an apparent suicide; he was thirty-four. Smith's body was found at his home in Los Angeles by a friend yesterday just after noon. He was rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced dead an hour later.

Last screening: presidents’ series; the four hour biography of Ronald Reagan. Interesting man. Raised a gypsy early in life, college football player, heroic lifeguard, actor, mediocre governor who raised taxes, increased spending, and decreased welfare help to poor people, and called the national guard on protesting students at Berkley. Responsible in the fifties for putting many actors and writers out of work and in prison in the blacklist communism witch trials. Because he really didn't like communism. Spent most of his life as a liberal democrat before finally switching to republicanism. President of the country when fed deficit was highest it had ever been in history and we were in the midst of the worst depression we had seen since the great one, unemployment the highest it had ever been, on and on. But somehow he turned it all around for a while. Great personality. One of the best we've ever seen in the presidency. Hard to judge presidents really. Not all black and white. And after the last few years of studying I am starting to think that you really can’t blame the economy on the president. I think that regardless of how good or bad the economy is it’s a cop out to try to pin it on one man. But it is inevitable. His economic program called Reaganomics that he finally got by the then democratic congress is blamed for leading the country to a fiscal disaster we had never seen. Cutting benefits to the poor and giving tax breaks to the rich. Sound familiar? But again things started turning around. He really believed that the only way to get peace between us and USSR was to build and build. We had the biggest protest in our history during his presidency---against him—against building up our nuclear armament. But he didn't care. He went insane building arms because he really believed that was the only way to defeat Russia—was through a position of strength. At one point pentagon spending to build the military reached 34 million dollars per hour on building weapons. He brought America to the highest deficit we ever had in our history. Still today we are feeling the effects of his spending. But he was right. it worked. Not only did he get Russia to start signing disarmament treaties, he downright brought them to their knees from trying to compete with us. Their whole damn empire imploded. Reagan was an idealist and a revolutionary. He did trade arms for hostages. But he got hostages back. And he did use the money to fund the contras in Nicaragua. But that is because he was trying to defeat the communist Sandinistas. I like that about the guy. You kind of walk away in awe of Reagan after studying him. I don't know if we’ll ever have a president like that again. what a different kind of guy. very heroic. Even if you don't agree with a lot of the things he was about. He brought the damn Berlin wall down and he was in his late seventies flying all over the world trying to make it happen. Unbelievable. I was alive back then but I was too young to know what the hell was going on. I didn't understand the significance of what he was doing. Now we can see it. 

Current Spin: my morning jacket, at dawn. This group is awesome. I am sure they will be entirely ignored.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Back in Miami. Recording today---trying to nail down the vocals for the song Caetano, not easy. Then rehearsal. Band sounds great. A total pleasure to be in the band right now. we sound better, more authentic than we ever have. Except that the band is in this crazy state of flux. With half the guys not knowing whether they are coming or going. don't get attached to the process; keep your eyes on the outcome. Not how you get there. 

Big dinner tonight at a Greek restaurant with a bunch of us from the music scene celebrating all the Libra birthdays. Really good time. Drinking and smashing plates on the floor.

You know what it is? There’s always going to be hot girls to dig into. I mean, there's just always going to be tons of hot girls out there. Its like you wake up and all of a sudden you realize that all these hot girls are not going to go away. They are always going to be there. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be with every one of them. It’s a conscious choice you’re making. Its like with bill Clinton. Just recently saw his biography. He had a choice when he got married. I mean who really knows what happened. But its like he made a choice but just never followed through with it. he got married but he just never stopped fooling around with other women. And this didn't necessarily stop him from achieving his career goals. But one can only imagine what his personal life is like, or that of his wife’s. Or his daughter’s for that matter. You see his life and the way that he was always with all these other girls all the time and you realize as a man why he was that way. I mean it’s a very natural way to be. But if you're married then you're not supposed to be that way. So the real mistake wasn't the constant philandering or womanizing. The real mistake was getting married in the first place. not knowing himself well enough to make the right decision. For himself or for those around him. 

Monday, October 20, 2003

Dear Fishy,

Few are the people that touch our lives in subtle though deep and truly meaningful ways... simple blessings... Fewer still are the opportunities to embrace these people in thanks. To them for being... and to life for allowing their meeting. You share of your wisdom and peace so freely... you have served as my mirror in times when I could not see myself and no one else quite understood... I am sure you are, and have been, these things and so much more... to so many... it is my privilege to then celebrate this anniversary of yours. Thank you for being... for faithfully pursuing your path and your dreams... for inspiring and encouraging... for believing in happiness, in love, and in peace so steadfastly... may your every dream come true, Fishy, but may you never fail to dream new dreams. 
Much love to you always, Sasxs

Flew to Orlando to hang out with a bunch of friends who had all flown in for a Pro Course, which I am not attending this year because I am too busy. But since so many friends we’re all there from all over the world I just decided to hop on a plane and fly up for the night to have dinner for my birthday. A very relaxing day. Ducky was the first to call me, early in the morning. And I was so pleasantly surprised as calls would come in throughout the day from friends and family. It was a very nice feeling. The Italian Stallion was one of the first to send me an email and it was so sweet. [She is in New York now. I call her all the time and just leave these long rambling messages like Glen Gould after he went insane. I wonder sometimes if I made a tragic mistake with her. She is so smart and good hearted. But I have to trust my heart. For both of us.] 

I got a lot of nice presents from friends and it put me on top of the world. Madelyn gave me some pajama bottoms to wear around the house when I wake up in the morning and go to watch football half asleep. She thinks its hilarious that I am obsessed with football lately. I just like studying it early in the morning before I wake up. Mom of course sent me homemade cookies as always. Awesome. I felt and feel so loved and appreciated. And I think that's great. Because its not easy capturing that feeling all the time when you're single. People talk about it all the time. It’s on the tip of everyone’s tongue. And I think the reason why is because it’s the truth. Sitting next to this really hot older lady from on the plane today and she is telling me the same thing. She is divorced with three kids and notices that she is just always looking for Mr. Right. I wanted to do her of course because she was so pretty and she gave me her card. But after she told me that I figured man maybe its time to take a different course. But you gotta fulfill that fantasy of being with the older woman you know. This birthday realizing that I have all these friends and family that love me bathed me in this really special feeling for three days.

Saw the artisan tonight at dinner and man she looked good. Madelyn drove two hours to attend the dinner and other friends from many other cities as well. Maddie slept in my room in the other bed. She is pregnant now. So we laughed and laughed and laughed all night as we were falling asleep. I kept taking pix of her being so big. Joking that really could be the very last of our slumber parties forever now that she is due in two months. God she has been such a good friend for so long. She kept telling me to stop because I was making her stomach hurt from laughing so hard. Things will change when she has her baby. We know that. So it was very special to spend that night with her. She joked with Mohdie that she would name their baby’s middle name Fishy. he tells her what are you crazy? You’re not going to name our baby after your ex boyfriend. I would have to kill him first.” But its all in jest. I love Mohdie as much as Maddie. He is like a brother. He wants to name their baby Burket??? This is real. No one has ever heard of this name before. I am sure he just made it up in some drunken hallucination.  

Last screening: everyone says I love you by woody Allen. Intolerable cruelty by the coen brothers. 
Current read: pandering by Heidi Fleiss. I love this book. 

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Where do we turn when it feels as though there is no place to turn to?
I sometimes feel as if I were not working out everyday that I would go crazy; and honestly I'm not sure that I am not already crazy. Sometimes I think I'm the last one to know. 

Had a small gathering with friends for my birthday. Some new, some old. A brunch. We were just as amazed by the people who attended as we were by the absence of those who did not. It was an entirely unbelievable affair. Brown Bear as always was there and that made it very special. The older we get the less and less we see of each other. Omine. Bas, Ferret, the Tortoise. Vancouver of course, and he is always fun no matter where you are. The piano man didn't attend and we have been playing in a band together for five years running. Writing about it actually saddens me. There was a time when the piano man first moved here. He was so shocked by how people were. He used to get drunk and cry to me, “I've been here for two years and I don't feel like I've made one real friend,’ he would say. And I would agree with him. “Its just like that here for some reason piano man. I don't know why. But you’ve made friends with me and the guys bro.” I would say. But the truth is that I think the area has gotten to him. like it seems to with everyone. Ferret and The Tortoise were there of course. Deliberating on how many plates they needed to fill up with food from the buffet table before they got their money’s worth. 

I am getting a sneaking feeling that I have woken up to a dream that I do not belong in anymore. As if I have woken up only part of the way, and know that I am still dreaming somehow and long to wake up fully. 


Saturday, October 18, 2003

Working all day and all night right now. Non-stop. It is seven o'clock at night on a Saturday and I am in the office. Since early morning. On the phone with radio guys all day. Reception to the sleep with you album is great. People dig it. This is insane. But exciting. of course the critics are killing me, just totally trashing me...

Talking to Madelyn on the phone today about the music biz. And we are now just at the edge of being knee deep in another promotions blitz for the sleep with you album. you get bombarded by advisors and consultants telling you what you need to do and how to do every little thing. Everyone has their theory. Every company their own formula. This butt plug out in California who owns this referring company telling me “oh Fishy look you have to be touring in order to... that's the only way.....” and others are like “Oh you have to sell like a hundred thousand records... and others are like Oh you have to fill your albums with all hits and not do any artistic music until after your really old and famous.. And of course everyone has their opinion about how a band should dress, what a band should look like, what a band should say and not say, etc etc. I'm totally serious and you really do hear everything you can imagine... just heard last week that “it takes ten to twelve million to break a band these days.” Or “...look you guys, that's artistic type of stuff, but you have to cater more towards what the people want.... be more commercial....” its funny because for every example they show you there's ten examples showing something entirely different. Just like life. I don't believe in formulas. Unless you want to come across formulaic of course. Then by all means... 

So anyway I just bought this book ‘pandering’ by Heidi Fleiss. And its an absolute visual and artistic feast. Just totally throwing it all out there. Reminds you to just say fuck it to the business of it all and just keep doing art for its own sake. Hard to stay inspired, truly just in the flow of inspiration artistically when you are always having to work at the business of your art as well. I envy the guys for this. They don't pay as much attention to the business. Leaving it all to me. this is one of the only drawbacks of going indie and taking an active interest in the biz of your art, is that you have to kind of slingshot back and forth between being a totally catered to, disconnected and out of it artist, and being a really with it totally there business type. Hard to balance sometimes. They seem so diametrically opposed. Came back to the office and looked at all these music magazines with all the bands posing on the cover and I thought, oh my God what were we thinking? We just have to keep doing our thing and just really making sure that more than anything else we are totally fulfilled and satisfied as artists. Stop listening to all these people. stop worrying about what other bands are doing, or what's cool or not cool. The rest will fall into place. 

Current read: Pandering by Heidi Fleiss

Friday, October 17, 2003

Saw a cool play tonight, called fell in love with a girl. Its theatre season again. I love the little theatres. They are so in your face. There is this girl there who writes plays. She is so smart and funny. I want her. I love that. Reminds you of what you’re really looking for in a girl. You can meet a lot of hot girls. They're the easy ones to meet here in Miami. But how often do you meet one who can go head to head with you verbally. Or make you laugh hysterically. But then the other test is the whole class thing. Cause sometimes you do meet girls who are really smart but they are just so you know street, that they just don't know how to act appropriately. They don't have manners or discretion or diplomacy or grace. That's the tough one. Maybe they’re just too street. We get a lot of that in Miami. Its not like in the northeast. I'd probably be married by now but I just have this image of Julie Andrews in the sound of music. And I just can’t shake it.  

On the plane on the way to Washington DC, just for the night. And appropriately watching a DVD I rented called The War Room. This is the 1991 documentary about how James Carville and George Stephanopoulos engineered the Clinton campaign for president. This is a great movie. Great exploration of American politics. James Carville delivers this really moving speech to his whole crew where he just breaks down and cries once they realize that they are going to win. This guy is my hero. He really believes in what he's doing. You have to see this movie. 

I remember this time well. Me and Shattered were recording a new album, the Aftermath album, our last one. I became a Deputy Registrar with the county that year so I could register people to vote because I hated the Bush years so much. I did everything I could to promote Clinton, every concert we played, every fan we talked to. And after I talked them into voting, I registered them and then tried to talk them into Clinton. Its not like I thought Clinton was all that. I kind of agreed with Mary Matalin that he was always prevaricating and deceiving us all the time---his campaign was riddled with scandal from the moment he announced his intention to become president, but for me personally I didn't care because I felt that almost anyone would be better than George Bush. It was the old school good old boy liars versus the new school young blooded liars. 

Thursday, October 16, 2003

“You know what fishy?” she asked me. 
“He doesn’t come through for you,” Madelyn sobbed, tears shooting out of her eyes. “We always tell ourselves ‘God will come through for us. God knows best.... But its not true. Its so random... its all just so random. God lets us down all the time... sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down.” 

“I know...” I didn't know what to say. What can you say? She was right. 
“When something good happens to us we say thank you God. And then when something really bad happens to us, we ask God why? And we are supposed to believe that is God's will? Or what?! God just didn't pay attention and it happened because of some other reason? Is that it? and then he can’t help us and we’re just stuck out there on our own?! is that it?”

“I don't know. I can’t figure it out either Maddie. Who’s to say? I think we just have to depend on ourselves and just do the best we can for ourselves...” 

“It’s a myth. Isn't it? Its all just stuff we’re making up! And I hate it. I hate it!” she cried even more and beat the bed with her fists. “I'm sick of it. I'm sick of believing in things that aren't real. Why can’t we just have truuuuuuuuuttttthhhhh?!” she cried out. I just tried to be there for her, smiling, accepting, unconditional. 

“I know. I know,” I said. “God still loves you even if you don't love him,” I joked. She laughed.  

“I love my cats.” She grabbed her cat. “They would never lie to me. Would you kitty?” she said starting to cheer herself up. Man you don't forget someone like Madelyn O'Ryan. When Ferret says she is the kindest sweetest most good hearted person he has ever met, like an angel or something, he isn't kidding. Everyone feels this was about her. She is true blue. She is like an angel. I wish God was more there for her. I wish God was more there for all of us...

The question is, can we still be happy if we get to a point where we don't believe in a God? Mohdie doesn’t believe in a God. And he is one of the happiest people we know. Me and Maddie always have and we’re two of the most confused people out there. Sometimes I think its easier not to. because like woody Allen says, ‘things are just so bad on earth for so many centuries that if there really was a God we would all be filing class action suits against him.’ But regardless of how true that may be, it is hard to shake the idea of it if you were raised with it. Bertrand Russell (or was it BF Skinner?) had postulated a theory back in the sixties that its just all in the raising. That if we wanted to we could raise a person to believe without a shadow of a doubt that a pine cone was God if we just instilled it in them within their first three years of life. its just that initial brainwashing in the formative years. I think that's what's happened to a lot of us. The majority of us on earth, whether Christian, Muslim, Jewish or Hindu. We’re raised to believe in these different gods. So even though we may grow up not seeing any proof of their existence, and in fact seeing a lot of proof that they don't exist, we still have some deeply embedded belief in them because of our brainwashing as little children. Not only does this lead us all to a lot of sadness and confusion, disillusion and disappointment as we become aware adults, but it also has led to a lot of hatred and bigotry and death and destruction and war for all of us over the centuries. 

I look forward to the day when we can just say to one of our enemies, “Hey I'll put down my God if you'll put down yours. I say we just put the whole God and religion thing behind us and just start asking ourselves how we can help each other.” One can see how beautiful that could be. Just two humans forgetting about all that other stuff. Those will be the days. And I hope I'm here to see it. We can erect churches and temples to ourselves instead of to gods. And we can have holidays that celebrate ourselves and our own accomplishments rather than all these different and sort of hard to prove mythical religious holidays that just end up confusing the shit out of everybody. Its easy to think about all this especially now because the world is in such chaos because of conflicting religious beliefs. 

Just recently some general from America said some really kooky religious stuff. Scary. People like that, hard to believe they are still around. I still believe in God. And I try to talk to him/her/it all the time. I just try not to attach any religion to It. I mean, if God wants to give us a religion he will. Its not going to be debatable and filled with loopholes and technicalities and half truths like it is now with all the religions of the earth. You don't need to have faith in things. Let other people believe that all they want if it helps them feel better about believing in things that they can’t see or prove. But to me God is bigger than all that. 

So for now the concept whether real or not seems just too big to attach anything to like a religion. Man I hope one day he/she/it does reveal himself to us. But lets say that he doesn’t. And then I die and find out nothing at all cause I'm just dead and there's nothing else. That will still be cool because I think I got a lot of strength and support from believing anyway. When I think of God it makes me feel good either way. The only problem is like what happened to Maddie when she had her spiritual breakdown, like when you start expecting God to come through for you and he doesn’t. That’s kind of frustrating. And that's happened to me a lot too. I am sure it’s happened to everyone. Millions of times a day all over the earth. But we keep creating God anyway because like I said it makes us feel good to have that belief. Better than not believing I guess...  

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Cleopatra has been very supportive and helpful lately. Many friends have. Realizing that she and I can still brainstorm together and strategize to help each other in our individual lives as friends. Because we have a very symbiotic relationship. Birthday is coming up. Having to be very watchful of money and where to allocate it for the first time in many years. Its challenging, but fun. I am finding a way to deal with it positively. 

A strange phenomenon is taking place. I am finding rather subconsciously that the actual writing that I have been doing is somehow profoundly involved in how the reality of my life progresses day to day. Where if I don't finish working something out in the journal entry that I kind of hang on to it in my consciousness. Until I finish writing about it. weird. 

Last screening: bowling for columbine. Wow. Michael Moore for president. JK. Good work though. The part at the end where he kind of blames Charlton Hesston for all these gun murders. Mike is sophomoric at times. silly and stupid. The kind of kid in high school who just kind of got in your nerves for being a big baby. I don't think he should have ended his movie like that, picking on Charlton Hesston, as if he's the whole reason why America is murdering itself. After all he spent a majority of the film learning that our high murder rate has nothing to do with the number of guns we have in our country. I think he just wanted a really dramatic ending. Great movie though. There is this section about the American government in the middle that is just mind-blowing. Seriously. From this film I started writing a song called ‘I am Columbine.’ 

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

It is 7am. I have gotten up now. it is no use. I have not slept yet and I don't think there is any use in trying. I have literally tossed and turned, my mind going a million miles an hour, all night long. Rehearsal last night we learned that Vancouver will take a job as a side guitarist for a Latin singer who is doing well now on the Latin charts. One cannot avoid the grand irony of it. I have quit my job to dedicate one hundred percent of my time to the band, sold off all possessions and property I owned in order to afford to produce and record and promote us, and now as the whole machine starts to roll in full force, we face the possibility of losing a member. And not just any member, but half the reason we turned into a band in the first place and not just a solo like we were before. the combination of all of us together made for something so cohesive and powerful that I had decided to turn it into more of a group experience and less of a “just me” thing, even giving the other band members songwriting credit so they could share in the publishing and other royalties as opposed to just being paid as musicians for hire. Again the irony is inescapable. the idea that Vancouver who is so young and still lives at home and so does not need money, for he has plenty of it, will take the risk of giving up being a somebody, in order to become a well paid nobody backing up a nobody who thinks he is a somebody is beyond me. 

He is as I have said many times before a true genius. Our coming together I have always felt was something of fate. Something bigger than both of us. At the same time it is easy to understand why he would so easily be swayed to go on the road with this Latin pop singer. He will be paid well, play in front of huge audiences all over South America, and even have a chance to perform on cheesy South American television shows. I have seen many musicians do this over the years. if they are good, people will want to use them. and who could resist the opportunity if your own band is still not making any money and playing for tiny little crowds in shitty little bars. So as dawn approaches we appear to have no wingman. 

Just as it appears that his choice is obvious, the other guys and I still cannot help but feel a bit bewildered and betrayed by it. There are thousands of bands all over the world, tens of thousands. All of them in the same position. Most of them with no talent. And those with talent don't usually have the experience resources or money to do anything with their talent. Our band is and has been in a very fortunate position compared to most. We have the experience, resources and financing to be able to achieve everything we ever wanted to. We have the camaraderie and the bond and the talent as a group. So the idea of one member risking everyone else’s entire careers for his own, giving us no warning and not even discussing it with us first makes it easy for us to feel shocked. And betrayed. We grow up studying rock group culture. So we just assume that when we are in a rock group that it is one for all and all for one. And when I was in Shattered it was that way. we lived and died for each other. We were all very loyal. But I have learned in the last few years that times are different. People are different. Its not like that anymore. 

Monday, October 13, 2003

I received a package in the mail last week from my great aunt Eleanor up in pa. She is in her eighties. It was about one hundred pages of information about that side of my family---my grandmother’s mothers side. Last night I could not sleep. I got up at about 2am and started reading through the documents and looking at the pictures. It turns out that my great grandfather met my great grandmother because he was in the Buffalo Bill Traveling Show as the musical director, after graduating from the Music Conservatory in Milan just like his father who never left Italy but who was very prosperous in music in Italy; this is the only job my great grandfather could get at the time in the States, if you could imagine. Playing in Buffalo Bills traveling show. He was 27 and she was a mere 14. Eeks! They had six kids. Eventually he became the Music Director at a University in Pennsylvania. His son Anthony also graduated from the conservatory. He then went on to become the Music director of the Sands Hotel in Vegas for thirty years. It is no mere coincidence that I was born a musician it appears. I read with fascination every page. All the generations that preceded me and my brother. How interesting it is studying our genealogy. 

Sunday, October 12, 2003

This is from the organization:  “As the true cost of the Iraq war is becoming clear, and as Congress debates the $87 billion, the Bush administration is on a PR offensive. President Bush and other officials did a series of exclusive interviews with regional media outlets in hopes of circumventing the national papers that might ask tough questions or scrutinize his statements closely. And newspapers across the country received letters ostensibly from soldiers in Iraq describing their successes there -- all of which were identically worded. Some soldiers didn't even know about the letter that was sent in their name to their hometown paper. (The Olympian, 10/11/03)”

It is a strange time to be alive. It feels as if we are at war, the American people against the government. The people just want everything to be business as usual, for peace and justice and the American way to prevail. The government just wants to stay in power and do whatever it wants to and is willing to do anything to do so. The people are busy and tired and trying as best they can to just make ends meet. They don't have time to pay attention to a presidential administration that is constantly lying and cheating. This is a record of what our times are like now here in America. The American government is sending newspapers fake letters from American soldiers. It is a twisted time. We not sure who the real enemy is anymore here.

I really want to nail this being alone thing. This being a bachelor thing. I don't know why. But part of me just feels like I have to nail it. I feel like I am on a mission. To feel totally happy and content and exhilarated just by being with myself. Crazy. Because I see love all around me and I remember it and I know what its like and how wonderful it is. But I don't want it until I feel totally amazing by myself. Until I am just waking up everyday kicking my heels. Which actually I have been doing for the better part of two and half years since I have been alone. But alas, there is something still there that I am wanting to experience. I need to really get this whole bachelor thing out of the old system before I make any promises to anyone. I want to be my own girlfriend and wife. I want to be my own God. I want to experience it all from me first. And then I can share it with someone else. The only problem of course is that the longer I am alone the lonelier I feel. Is this normal? Its not a nice feeling. I have to say. Am I supposed to feel this way? 

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Hi Blake,

> I agree with you about not going this year. Same with me. I won't go 
> to pro or wizards. So when I do go the next year I am sure it will be 
> even better. Sometimes its good just to kick butt in your life and not 
> spend time processing.

I agree about kicking butt in life (or life kicking my butt) is what there is to do, at least at this point in my life instead of processing.  Living my life right now is like an active processing session for me. Blake
Hope this answers your questions:
> ope HoHoAvatar = Good foundation and philosophy, good way to clean up and stay 
> clean. turns you from a normal person into a beautiful shining happy 
> soul.
> Coach = gets you to kick butt, get or stay in "state" or "flow", 
> objective feedback or criticism from an outside source other than 
> ourselves who is NOT our friend and therefore does not care about 
> sugar coating their responses to us.
> I would love to start seeing Avatar coaches come out one day. that 
> would be awesome! A coach who has their foundation in Avatar, who is a master and wizard, but then also has gone through Tony Robbins 
> coaching training and Peak Evolution training. This would be totally 
> kick ass!

Friday, October 10, 2003

Massive mailing to college radio all over America for Sleep with You. Over 450 stations. In weeks we will know. 

Studying the Armenian genocide of 1915. Recently saw the film Ararat. Bas says, “Goddamn. Another freaking genocide. Who would have ever imagined that humans would do that to each other. There are so many holocausts. How do we keep track of them all?” It is something that we in modern times, as Americans, cannot even bare to imagine. And yet genocide is at the foundation of the very land we live on.. It is the heart of America. We founded our country in the name of genocide with the blood of over 90 million Native American men women and children. This coming Monday the new America, the modern America, will celebrate something they call Columbus day. For the Native Americans and for thinking and educated people all over the world it will be a day of mourning, as it is every year. Not just for all the lost lives and the needless suffering—and indeed this is a mourning we will never be able to escape in our hearts, because we live here---but we will also mourn the loss of our honor as Americans as we do every year, as the lies of the genocide of the native Americans continue to be perpetrated by the deceptive and cowardly and ignorant men and women who live among us still. But I will say this. One day things will change. Those who know, whose hearts are pure and without deceit, will not have to live in a world of lies and half truths and trickery. One day real honor and justice and caring will prevail among human beings. For me it is more than a mere hope or wish or prayer. It is a vision. I can see it. I know it is our future.

Current Spin: Rufus wainwright. His new one. 

Thursday, October 09, 2003

I just read the article in rolling stone about how the RIAA sued 261 people for downloading music for free from the Internet. One of those people was the piano man’s sisters best friend right here in South Florida. She will have to pay thousands to settle. Me and the guys talking about it after practice. And you just can’t find anything positive to say about it. as an artist you want to be cool to people you know. you don't want to be known as a dick or anything. But stealing is stealing. One of the girls Brianna something told the New York post, “my stomach is turning.” And yes it sucks. She got caught, and no she wasn't the only one doing it. Hell, everyone I know is doing it. And poor musicians, shit, rich musicians are the worst. We all do it. right now I'm sharing over three hundred songs I have downloaded. Most of them, prob about 90% are from cds I already own but I am just to lazy to try to go find them in my CD collection. So that's my bad. and yes there should certainly be some sort of system worked out where by if you already own the song you can download it, but no you shouldn’t be allowed to share it with others to get for free. No fucking way. not till the rest of the civilized world starts letting us use their goods and services for free. so anyday I could get slapped with a law suit myself. And I'm one of those artists myself. And man I would gladly pay them whatever they ask, cause man I'm not going to deny or try to talk myself out of the fact that I am knowingly stealing what I haven't paid for. You know, if you get caught, you get caught. So to Brianna and the other 260 others who got sued by the biz, in all fairness lets put the cards on the table and be nice, cause it sucks that they are being used as examples. You know, but it’s gotta start somewhere. I think anyone would agree that yes its super easy to download songs. Yep. And its a lot cheaper to download one song for free instead of buying a whole album that you don't even want. Yep. And its a lot more convenient to download than having to go to a store or online to buy it. yep. And its a lot faster. Its instant pleasure baby. Yep. And those fucking record companies, they make so much money anyway. they don't need anymore of my money. Yep. And they rape the fucking artists by barely paying them anything and making them pay back all the money they give them and all that. yep. And you know what, if they had their shit together and didn't have such an old business model then maybe I wouldn’t do it. yep. And hey, no one knows if I just download a few songs here and there in my house. Its pretty private and secret and chances are I won't get caught. Yep. All those points are good and more...

But here's the deal kids. All these things may be true. But we’re still stealing. So its really a simple issue. You either steal or you don't. you're a thief or you’re not a thief. Me? I admit it. I'm stealing. If I hear a song I like and I want to go get it for free from the internet, lately I have been doing it. Especially for songs where I don't want to buy the whole album. but here's the deal. I know I'm stealing. I'm not arguing about it. I'm not trying to defend it. in fact I feel pretty fucking guilty about it, because I know I'm literally taking money out of the hands of a lot of people, mostly other artists. And that sucks. And if I get caught I'm going to admit what I did. and pay them what they ask. Cause that's the right thing to do. And yea I'm going to be really happy when the music biz catches up with its technology and makes this a lot easier and cooler for all of us. but I'm not going to use that as my excuse for why I think its alright to steal. There are always going to be people around you who try to talk you into doing bad things by justifying it in some way or another. but you don't have to be a sucker and fall for it. 
That's it for me on file sharing. Case closed. I am thoroughly bored of the subject.