Thursday, June 30, 2005

I'm in Orlando right now. last minute excursion for the holidays to hang with Little Tree and some Avatar friends. Biggest Avatar course in history yet again. every course is the biggest one. over 180 new Avatars at once. Awesome.

Just received this email from JB, my new awesome image guy. about the new CD NIC.

Hey Fishy,
First, let me apologize for taking so long to get back to you about the specific feedback that you requested on the album.

I think you said it best in our session last week, you start with that fluid instrumental, then Somebody Killed the DJ has an 80's vibe, then you have songs like I wanna Know Ya, Tomorrow, Come On, and Revolution In Me has it's roots in more 70's rock, Caetano is it's own thing, then the next few songs each have their own distinct elements, then you have that instrumental on track 11, then Softening-which is awesome, but stands as something different from the rest, then you go in another direction with Bored, then you take 40 seconds to get into If Your Baby Could, which sounds like a lullaby, then Nothing is Cohesive which illustrates the point exactly.

Now, it's all very cool, mind you. I like the music a lot. It's just that you keep people guessing throughout, which in and of itself isn't a terrible thing, but it doesn't portray one very consistent point of view and direction. And when you're making a first impression, that's what people need. As an example, if you look at Songs About Jane from Maroon 5, every song on that album stays true to one sound and direction. And they won a grammy for it.

How are you feeling about all this now?

O.k. since he asked, here's my answer to JB. I LIKE that the CD goes in a lot of different directions. I don't like songs about Jane from maroon 5 because every song HAS THE SAME STYLE. That's how I feel as a music listener. I like albums to offer lots of different sounds and textures and styles like pink Floyd’s the wall or the Beatles white album. That's the shit I love more than anything else. I would hate to think that I'm my own worst enemy. The truth is that I am a rock star wannabe at best. haven't broken big yet, so maybe old JB has a point. He certainly isn't the only one who has told me this. then he mentions making a first impression and I'm thinking shit man this is the third transcendence album, and its my sixth in total as a recording artist. So its not exactly a first impression. As an artist I have to be free to explore the art as fully and completely and expressively and wildly as I want to. I just have to. but at the same time, I hear him. on this next CD I'm going to do my best to keep the style one cohesive one. keep it all sounding the same. I'm really going to try for once to do that. we’ll see how that goes. I appreciate the feedback a lot.

Last screening: Biography of the Louisiana senator Huey long. interesting: “it is said that great men aren't necessarily good men, but they can do good things.” I think we’re going to prove that one wrong eventually.
Great men can be good men.

Current spin: HOssein alizadeh, Neynava. Beautiful Persian taar music with flute.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Anyone ever notice how the black music guys take what is normally considered derogatory and changes the spelling of it and then uses it and even refer to themselves as these normally considered derogatory words...
Nigga Hustla gangsta ho beyotch.
What is that?
I'm not going there beyond this. but someone should explore it.

From our transcendent diaries correspondent Infinito – who couldn’t sleep last night stayed up and watched a hilarious rerun of GW speech on late night TV and made the count for us, this important bit of trivia:

Quick Note on Bush's speech last night:
After a great start, "Terror (ism, ists)" held on for a last gasp win last night at President George W. Bush's speech on Iraq. With a shaky start, "Freedom" pulled what could have been a miraculous comeback at the last stages of the speech. Analysts argue had the speech lasted longer, "Freedom" would have won considering the trend of Bush's speeches. Nonetheless, a valiant performance by former champion"Freedom". "Tyranny" and "Peace" came in 3rd and 4th place respectively and perennial powerhouse "Liberty" ending in a disappointing last place with a lackluster performance.

Terror (ism,ist, ists): 22
Freedom: 20
Tyranny: 4
Peace: 3
Liberty: 2

Note: "...America's resolve." and "purtect the 'Merican People" : 1 (not in contest)

Last screening: wheel of time by Werner Herzog. This is the story of Tibetan Buddhism. As told by a German. Lets put it this way. it is every bit as boring as that sounds like it would be. I fell asleep a few times, which is a good thing, because I don't sleep enough if you ask me. I'm down to a mere nine to ten hours a day and that's just not enough for a wannabe rock star living in Manhattan.

I did learn a lot in between winks and I'll tell ya, Buddhism, at least as practiced by the Tibetans, is no different than Catholicism or Judaism or Muslimism. Right down to the requisite tools of the trade including prayer beads (rosary), the hierarchy of higher-ups (lamas or priests and bishops etc), the dogma, the ritual, etc. a lot of wasted human energy for little evolutionary gain. Now don't go telling them that because many of them travel thousands of miles on these pilgrimages to seek enlightenment without one assumes the knowledge that enlightenment can be found right here at home in the old heart of the individual. But if we had a nickel for every prayer said and every chat recited and every bead counted and every sand mandala created and every thousand mile pilgrimage made for selfish reasons of self-enlightenment, then India wouldn’t have so many hungry fucking people. get to work people. work on practical pragmatic action items, and stop worrying about the effing after-life. the after-life we can work on in the actual after-life. lets work on this life. same thing with the Catholics and the born again Christians and the Muslims and the Hindus. Lets evolve in this life people. fuck the afterlife.

Current spin: system of a down, new one. this is awesome!!!! I see what people mean by unique and have their own sound. this is metal in some weird way, in a foundational sense but it is entirely their own. reminds me of the late eighties early metal of faith no more and others.
and Rush, Hemispheres. GREAT ALBUM. No one talks about Rush anymore. But we should because they are a great band.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Again I dreamed last night that I killed someone, or attempted to.  a guy. I shot him but then he got back up. these are entities. They are lifeless in the dreams. coming from my own subconscious. Don't speak or do much of anything at all. just a way for my brain to process this need to kill.... almost every night lately I have these dreams where I am killing someone, never really wanting to, but always feeling forced to. and I am torn between feeling that I need to kill them for some serious life threatening situation and then not wanting to because it is another human life. but I always end up trying to kill them but then most times it doesn’t work. They live, struggling there half dead. I stand there looking at it all as if I'm in a dream, confused, guilty, feeling trapped. What the fuck is going on in my brain?

Everytime I see a pregnant girl walking with a guy I feel jealous. Happy for them, but wishing i had a wife of my own who was pregnant. Talk about the biological clock ticking....  But at the same time, the other day, I received this whisper that said something to the effect of ‘Fishy, you aren't married now. do you get that? that you are single? That you are free? That you can do whatever the hell you want to right now? make love to or go out with whomever and however you want to? you're spending all of your single time fantasizing about some ideal woman and romance and then you're going to get married and three years into realize its forever and you never really took advantage of being single. So do it now. go for it NOW.

O.k. so that's good. I'm glad I remembered that. Now just have to put it into practice. [as if I haven't enough already... can someone say whackjob? crackpot? Looneytunes? Does the wanderlust ever leave the man? does the teenager ever leave the man? does the boy ever leave he heart of the man?]

Had a great feeling of completion tonight. for the most part finished the grueling process of viewing all the footage for the TV show. And talked with a really cool editor. I felt so good. like wow, we’re really doing it.

Still watching frank Lloyd Wright bio. What a strange man. good at what he did. but weird. his own worst enemy. He could have had it a lot easier if he wouldn’t have been such a loon. But I'm learning a lot about architecture and inspired by his work ethic. The artist always knows he is great. Never doubt that. if you know you are great you're half way there. that's the key. Believing in yourself. Great men always know they are great, no matter what the world at the time thinks. History proves it. if someone claims they are great, often times they could be nothing more than a loon with grand delusions, but somewhere down the line they oftentimes just may prove it just by the sheer force of their will and their belief in themselves.

Astrologer told me that Princess Little Tree was my partner in my last life, but not in this one, but we make a powerful force. I believe her. she saw Princess Little Tree without me saying a word. Knew her age, her hair color, what she looked like, and how she acted and was in my life. and many other people in my life as well. just from looking at these charts of weird figures etc... I'm telling you these astrologers are amazing when they are good. the way they can look at your chart and just start spitting out information that is so accurate. You don't say shit. they don't even know your name or what you do, and yet they can tell you so much about you and your life just by the positions of the planets and stars in your chart. This woman’s name is Karen Pavlus out of upstate NY. She is one of the best I have ever spoken to. I was impressed. Felt very good about most of what she said. Tony Robbins has a saying that everything in life is either a warning or an inspiration. If it’s a warning, you shift directions, you change and you shift to create what you want. If its an inspiration, you keep going in that direction, keep running with the ball. She saw Cleopatra too. I cannot tell you how many have seen Cleopatra and said the exact same things to me. stand strong and be courageous and fight till you win. this person is poison for you and for herself in this lifetime. it is a life test for you. only you can learn the lessons regarding why this person is in your chart/life and resolve this karma once and for all. you must not back down or it will repeat. Now bear in mind, this is someone seeing a person in my “chart” and not hearing or knowing shit from me. not knowing any of the details and not knowing even if she is speaking about anything remotely relevant. Just spitting out words about a person that she sees on the chart. She even mentioned specifics such as this person is involved with you in business. this person is also involved with you regarding real estate. this real estate is very important. This person was once involved with you romantically. She is bitter, she is resentful, she is hurt and angry and means you no good. no good can come from her here, and yet you refuse to believe it. why? you must break this spell and stand up to this or it will repeat. You think that by being kind and forgiving that you are doing the right thing but you are not. sometimes the dove needs to stand up to the hawks. Do you have any understanding of what I am speaking about here?

It was uncanny. I was more than impressed. I was floored.

Now of course there is another answer to it as well. one can easily assume that psychics and astrologers have a way of tapping into reality, of seeing the future, or the past. Or one can conclude that they just have an ability to see inside the subjects head, they pick up on what the client is thinking and feeling. And that can explain why they all always seem to be so accurately tuned in and say the same things about the same subjects. They're just reading the mind of the client. Either that, or they really are tapping into data that is really out there available that most of us just can’t access. Either way, its fascinating stuff.

Current spin: four tet, everything ecstatic. Great CD. very Fishy. I could have made it. I would be proud to. but it sounds like nothing like me mind you, in case you go buy it thinking it might. Its sound music electronica. Bleep music. my favorite now. so creative as if he didn't know what making an album was all about and just reinvented the process. Like those three Radiohead cds they did back to back... o.k. computer to amnesiac. magical.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Still in awe over that church experience.

There is this antibiotic that the doctor has me on called leviquin. This is the fourth night in the row I have experienced this. it is now 3:21 am and I am wide awake. If you take it before bed you will at some point become aware during your sleep that you are sleeping and dreaming. It is a restless sleep to say the least, but filled with very vivid dreams, more like hallucinations. Filled with wild imagery and color. I have gotten two beautiful songs out of this drug so far, both while sleeping/dreaming. In the last dream I was just having I was dancing through a field with this young boy and Trophy wife, the singer. and we were in this imaginary world like hr puff and stuff or pee wee herman or neverland. All these rivers and tress and butterflies and we were just singing this gorgeous song together that we were making up as we went along. Finally I just thought this is enough, I'm going to wake up and record this song into a tape recorder. This is to good not to get down. So I snapped myself out of the dream and recorded some and now I'm just sitting here writing because my brain is moving so fast. it feels like speed. I cannot believe they release this stuff onto the market and just dish it out to regular unsuspecting people who trust whatever their doctor says. [and here's the thing, I only take one half at a time because I'm just that way. more people die in America every year from legally prescribed prescription drugs than any other preventable cause. It’s the number one cause of death in America. I forget the number but its ridiculous. Like you hear it and you can’t believe it. so I always take really small doses of everything. I couldn’t imagine if I were taking whole tablets. I'd be jumping off the walls. But it has cured my ear ache pretty fast.]

Another side effect is this itching. My whole body itches. And this sucks. But it is worth this hallucinatory effect to be sure. My mind feels on fire almost. I would almost call it anxiety but I kind of like it, so I don't mind waking up like this in the middle of the night to type or think or sing for an hour or two. If I did, I'd be hating life. but just what it does to the mind is so freaky and refreshing and exciting, I'm kind of welcoming the million miles an hour rapid thoughts. One caveat: this drug cost $368 for the bottle so this isn't a cheap high, but worth it if you can get just a few. Also, its an anti-biotic, so its not the healthiest thing to be taking recreationally. If you're up for it though and into mind exploration, this would be one to try. and I'm talking about purely scientific purposes here of course. if you're into psychotropic drug research. I would almost classify this as a nootropic because the ideas fly out so fast.

Something I had come to understand tonight. about the whole girls saga that I write about endlessly. Quick before I lose my nerve to set it to paper. the thing is this. if you meet someone and they aren't the someone, meaning you may have this great chemistry with them and be moderately attracted to them, but you aren't head over heels with them, then of course yes the natural tendency is to want to hang with them. of course. so in me, that desire, its natural. Its not wrong. and all this time I had been making myself wrong for wanting to date all these girls who weren't ‘the one.’ so for a long time now I haven't been allowing myself to do it at all. but here's the catch. If you already know they're not the one. if you already feel that. that you're not going to or not capable of or not going to be desirous of having a mid to long term affair with them, but just kind of in it because its moderately amusing or they are intellectually stimulating or you have fun with them, then you have to tell them from the beginning. You can’t just be dating them and playing along for your own selfish reasons because they're fun in the moment. because to them you might be someone they really like. And its easy to use that to your advantage. But you can’t. you see its like if you meet the woman of your dreams and she introduces you to all these guys she went out with who you kind of say to yourself ‘well how the hell did you go out with him?’ its like that. we as men have to have the same kind of discrepancy that we expect girls to have. which normally we don't. we just go out with whatever girl we can so we can shag them. because after all that's our natural instinct, to do as many girls as possible. But we all know what happens after we bag a babe. Normally we lose interest pretty quickly. And that sucks for that girl and then it sucks for us because we feel guilty. And then we lose them as a friend. so the thing is about being real. Its about being real with ourselves and with the girl. Wow. that's some heavy shit. I just never saw it through to its conclusion like that. I think this may have something to do with being a man. with being a gentleman. I think it may even be something like you can in the end actually date the girls because you may really enjoy certain things about them, but you just need to be totally upfront with them and let them know from the start that you're friends. Kind of like girls do with us. you know how they do that? I know, it sucks. But they have that capacity. And we usually don't. we’ll just lead any girl on just so we can sleep with them. but again, I think we have to start taking that attribute of women and applying it ourselves.  There will be a lot less conflict and battle of the sexes going on if we’re upfront like that.

Last screening: frank Lloyd Wright biography by ken burns. Wow, what a crazy one. inspiring though disconcerting. Let us hope that it is possible to achieve the same level of genius without the same degree of dishonesty and creepiness.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Today I had an opportunity to feel what it felt like to get a “worry” and then in that moment to say to myself, “well wouldn’t it be cool if instead of fretting over this, I could just enjoy the ride, maybe learn something from it, maybe not, but either way, just enjoy the experience. What if I didn't look at it like a situation that I need to be fretful over or worry over? What if I just took as part of the ride?

[what is it with new Yorkers calling Florida ‘flarida?’ don't they see that there's an ‘o’ in the word Florida? what is that? and what is it with that word anyway? Florida? if you look at it for a while and say it a few times, it takes on this whole other quality... Florida. what kind of a word is that anyway? Florida? have to look it up. be right back...

the other thing I was thinking about while listening to some bible reading in church today was this: what the hell are we doing reading or paying any attention to for that matter the history of the Jews? I mean, the old testament is after all nothing more than a series of thousands of years of Jewish history. And respectfully one can understand the importance these historical documents might hold for Jewish people. that's their history. Their tradition. So if they want to sit around every Sunday and read it, that's cool. we would expect it. good for them. But as I looked around the church this morning I'm noticing that there aren't any Jewish people in the hall. We’re not from Israel. None of us. And I'm thinking, so what the hell are we all doing studying this story about this cat named Abraham who was about to kill his son Issaac as a sacrifice to his God? I mean, say what you will, but I think that's pretty fucking psychotic, and this whole old testament is psychotic. Its just one crazy story after another. But that's beside the point. But truly, what the hell does that have to do with us. I mean, as Americans I understand that we don't have any tradition or real history that dates back too far because we’re too new of a country, so if we want to look for some kind of meaning or spiritual significance in old traditions and history texts like people do with the old testament then we’re going to have to go back to the ancient writings of whatever country we’re from. for me that would be England and Italy. For other people that might be Greece or Ireland or some African country or Scotland or Russia or where ever. But sitting around reading the old testament as a bunch of Americans/Europeans just makes no sense when you look at it in the bigger picture. Its quite silly and makes no sense.

Regardless of all of this, because of course I could go on forever, and millions have --- go to or any library in the world and check out the religious & inspirational, philosophy, theology, or comparative religion sections; hundreds of millions of words have been penned by humankind espousing countless ideas over thousands of years about God and religion and the like and none of it is any more significant now than it ever has been; at least it won't be until an actual God shows up or an afterlife magically appears (and trust me, I'm not one to doubt the ability of humankind to create anything we want to eventually just by sheer thought-energy and our pure desire for either to exist, but for now its all up in the air). So even these words... as important as they may seem to me, as they have to millions who have come before me, are absolutely meaningless when it comes to the greater questions that befuddle our limited understanding of life in this grand universe.  

But again, with all that said, I must make note here today as I have many Sundays prior, that this whole church thing I have been experiencing has been quite the miracle in my life as of late. call it what you will. I'm certainly not a religious man. I think I'm the only American alive who hasn’t seen Mel Gibson’s Jesus box office smash and if I'm lucky I never will. I don't condone that kind of revisionist history. I don't care what your religious beliefs are. you want to make a movie about an important religious figure then study your history first. and then make your movie. Tell the truth. or try to. with Jesus it would be hard because there are so many contradictory versions of his life. but at least try. show that you care. Show that there are at least two, three, four, different stories there that are all plausible. And until we address those we are never going to get beyond the myths that we continue to propagate century after century. No different than what the Romans or Greeks were doing with their God-myths. Nuf said.

So I'm certainly not religious, but something is happening to me and to my heart with this force that I call God. its speaking to me, its guiding me. and it feels great. I mean, I walk out of there every week kicking my heels and feeling truly blessed. God has really entered my life and he/she/it seems o.k. that I have these questions and concerns. And that my friends is what God is or should be all about. its all about the love. Its just love. And all these war mongering crazies out there killing people in the name of God are just the pretenders on the throne. One day the light will come to bear these truths to be self evident. Until then, we keep quiet and do our best to love each other as much as we can.
Great brunch today with tomcat and his new babe from Nigeria. Got started on the whole 9/11 saga. He is to forward me a bunch of research reports and studies of sept 11 that are being conducted now by research teams in Canada that are pointing to more cover-ups and more evidence that the American government was indeed behind the whole thing and that's why Bush didn't flinch when he heard the news. and why the entire bin laden family was secretly escorted out of the country on private jets as soon as the towers were hit. And more and more connections between bush family and bin laden family which everyone's at this point and evidence that points to that guy who got beheaded in Pakistan Daniel pearl actually being a reporter who was about to blow the lid on the whole thing and show the American gov was behind it, so they got him and used that whole ‘we’re a bunch of scary crazy Muslims wearing masks’ thing as a scare tactic to win favor and support for the continued killing going on in Iraq and they killed him. hey who knows. I mean, really, at this point who knows. all we can do as tomcat says is keep building our own little nest egg and keep quiet. because if it is true all that means is that they're going to come after us if we open our mouths too wide. And boy don't we know that's the truth. just ask David koresh. Oh yeah, we can’t, because they burned him alive with a hundred and seventy nine other people on live TV. At one point tomcat looks up at me and says, ‘but you know bro, for all of that it still bothers me. I still have to go work everyday and know that my money is going to pay for killing all these Iraqis. I'm paying 36% of my hard earned money in taxes and its going to pay for people dying over there.’ he sips his coffee. ‘We’re killing people. we have blood on our hands. All of us. every single one of us who is paying taxes. And we can’t do anything about it.’ I couldn’t have said it better myself. so I just looked at the tomcat as if I were looking in the mirror.

I didn't say anything back to tomcat. I just let him sit there and stare at me looking for an answer. the problem is is that he is right. we can’t do anything about it. America has always invaded other countries. All big countries have. America started out by invading America. Remember we aren't Americans. We are the invaders still. the occupiers. We only call it our land and our country because we have the biggest guns still. and then America invaded Mexico and now they call it Texas. America invaded Korea and grenada and Vietnam. The people of big countries don't mind when they're government invades other countries as long as they still have their Coke and their sex and the city and their p diddy and their fritos and queer eye TV. Big governments know this. so they keep on invading and they’ll use every trick in the book to keep on doing it. and our taxes will keep on paying for it because we can’t do a damn thing about it. we can bitch and moan and complain and protest but its not going to do any good. Vietnam taught us that.

Take a look at the countries that didn't choose to invade Iraq: France and Germany. Well study their history. Shit they know what invading other countries gets you. eventual revolutions and if you're not careful eventually retaliatory attacks on your own land. So they butt out. 9/11 taught us that. should have at least. but our government hasn’t learned that one yet. and maybe they never will until it really hits home. and for us, the people of this great twisted wreck of bitter irony that we are, that will be a sad fucking day. because the truth is that we the people aren't invading any countries. We’re not even in Iraq. Our government is. in our names. And with out tax dollars. So if the blow of justice and revenge ever lands upon these tired soils it will not come as surprise to a few of us. that's just the hand of nature dealing the cards out.

Last screening: batman begins. well they finally did it. Hollywood finally made a good batman movie. In fact batman begins is the first good superhero movie that's ever been released. I know what you're thinking if you're a regular reader, because that would imply that you're smart as hell and you don't believe the hype. So you're probably like me and saw that first batman piece of doo doo and felt so insulted and bored and over-hyped and over-sold that you wanted to run screaming out of the theatre and if you were lucky you never saw any of the sequels or any of the spiderman movies either. But I'm telling you, they finally got it right this time. Christian bale, the man everyone should remember from his excellent performance in the twisted masterpiece American psycho, made a great batman. Just fucking great. Remember when michale keaton was trying to play Bruce Wayne and batman and you felt uncool just being in the theatre watching it because it was so uncool. Well not with Christian bale. I'm not saying this was the godfather or anything. But trust me, it’s a good flick and good time. inspiring. This is what g lucas should have done with his sadly disappointing star wars follow-ups. Paper disguised as bread those were at best. But this little baby was pretty cool. and not so Hollywood. even though there are plenty of cool actors in it. of course liam neeson dies in it because I think he must have that written in his contracts – that he dies in every movie he’s in. Gary Oldman was good enough. Michale caine was surprisingly good, because for the past twenty years he's just been so ‘fine just write me the check and give me the script and I'll show up, I promise.’ But in this he's pretty good. leaves a nice opening for a sequel. Lets hope they get it as good the second time as they did here.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Spent an hour on the phone with the infamous producer/singer/songwriter Zeke Zaskin, talking about the new album we are recording. I'm telling him about all the music I'm digging and what I want the new CD to sound like.

After an hour or so, Zeke tells me ‘well after everything you’ve said, we’re still at the same place we always are, that same comfortable yet uncomfortable Fishy place, which is where you're standing there between wanting to create three different musical styles on one album, modern rock which is what you always make, pop and hip-hop, and experimental, which is what you listen to and like the most. Six months ago you said you wanted to make an album that sounds like metallica and now you say you want to make an album like gwen stefani.’ ‘o.k. I hear ya. I know I know. so what do we do?’ ‘I really feel like we need to hone in on what you want to make first before we go any further. You need to find that one unifying theme for this album and then just run with it once you find it and not try to fit everything in all at once.’

‘you know man, I say, ‘How can I sit here and say that I listen to all this popular rock music like the doves, and Foo fighters, and Audioslave, and bloc party and modest mouse and killers and all that but that I can’t even listen to more than thirty seconds a song because its so predictable and boring and the music that I love like beck and jay z and the game and gwen and Rufus is driving me crazy because I like it so much, and then I turn around and create another modern rock album of my own. it makes no sense. I have to find a way to start making my own music sound like the music I actually enjoy listening to. I'm so sick of rock.’ ‘well then stop making rock music.’

‘well then you need to build your songs in a different way. why not send over the roughs to me and if we have to we’ll strip away all the drum parts and bass parts and guitars and we’ll build them from scratch with electronic hip hop drums and bass and just scratch the guitars.’

‘Well I don't know if the guys are going to be into that. look guys we erased all of your parts and we’re now a hip hop band.’ ‘well yes that's a concern. You know Fishy its two different kinds of animals. With rock it’s a monstrous sound. its this huge wall of heavy guitars and drums and cymbals and bass guitar. And with hip hop it’s the opposite. Its all sparseness and just a killer beat.’ ‘yeah I know. well we've already got a huge wall of drums and bass and guitars built up on these songs. Look, if we can’t make it a hip hop album at this point because we've already laid down a foundation of a modern rock album, at least we can take the elements of the arrangement and production that we like from hip hop and pop, that it brings to music. we can arrange the shit from a hip hop perspective.’

‘well like I said, you can send me the shit and let me check it out and I'll co-produce it, and where these songs are at now if it appears that the album wants to be a dog, we can just finish it, call it a dog, and listen to it say bow wow. or it might be that we want to scrap it all and place some wings on it and call it a duck and get it to quack. Its going to be up to you brother.’

‘dude can I quote you on that?’

‘zeke zaskin makes another appearance in the diaries? certainly. Feel free.’

Man isn't it so true how we always just steal the shit from the black musicians. Since music first went pop and rock in the early twentieth century, we've been taking from the black folk. Al Jolson painting himself in black face. little Richard and chuck berry and fats domino invented rock and roll. and American jazz, the first great original American art form, that was all black cats forging that new territory. And then Elvis made his career from singing all the black songs and the Beatles and Stones just trying to cop the black music they loved, singing all the black songs, and zeppelin ripping off all the black blues songs they worshipped, and then Eric Clapton and all those guitar cats taking whatever they could from Jimi, and in the seventies they hit their stride basically defining an entire decade and sound called dance music/disco with sly and the family stone and g Clinton and P Funk, and of course the jacksons and Motown invented modern pop music, and al green and Marvin gaye and stevie and the temps and Curtis showed us what it could be like if we actually put some soul into our pop...  and then rap hit and blew everyone away and saved aerosmiths career, shit I don't think they even had a career anymore until that duet with run dmc, and now its all everyone just trying to sound like the hip hop cats. Its just always been about what the American black cats are doing.

But you know, there's a reason for it. the black music has just always sounded better, been hotter, cooler, hipper, more cutting edge. And we white folk always trying to grab onto it and put our spin on it... trying to get a little taste. Me I can’t get enough black music.

Current spin: Gorilaz, demon days. interesting but predictable. Destiny’s child, destiny fulfilled. Great production but predicatble. I'm sure it will sell well. Ficserspooner, odyssey. We were compared to them in a recent review. I see no similarity. A girl called Eddy. I like this CD a lot. So much music out there. no way to keep up. still completely obsessed with HOLLABACK GIRL by Gwen Stephani. Which is my favorite song of all time currently. Right up there with crazy in love as one of the all time great pop songs. Can a song get any better than that?

Friday, June 24, 2005

Killer ear ache the last few days. this is my second one in six months. I know what its from. its because I don't have a housekeeper now and I take baths. I have always taken baths. My new image consultant or image coach more like it, what did we call him again? JB? Yeah, JB I think. he's always trying to get me to discover more of my quirks because he says it makes great press. Of course you need great press if you are a somebody, but I've made a career of being a not-somebody so I have no idea why we are worrying about great press. But in any case, JB tells me, there's another quirk for you. I have always taken baths. There was a brief time in high school when I thought it was cool and grownup to take showers so I did it for a while because it was all about discovering the inner-man within and bagging the babes, but by college I was back in the tub every morning.

So did that freak any of my girlfriends out through the years? yeah I think it did. a grown man jumping out of bed to go sit in the bathtub for an hour every morning. but now everyone is used to it because well I'm an adult now and I think everyone has just pretty much assumed ‘yeah, well Fishy takes baths. He just does. He's always done that.’ when at home for the holidays mom always wakes me up early so I don't make everyone late because of the bath factor. Classic.

[I just heard a girl on the street say what the fuck. I hate when girls curse. I know. totally sexist. But I can’t help it. I'm old fashioned. if I hear a girl curse I just totally lose my interest in them. if a girl says fuck because she's really mad that's one thing, as long as its cute.. you know. like “honey you just said fuck.” And then she apologizes. But if you're at dinner with a girl and she says fuck matter of factly... Forget about it. I'm looking at her wondering how I ever managed to be at a dinner table with her. I'm not saying I wouldn’t sleep with them. but I just wouldn’t go out with them. you know, girls should offer you that girl thing. and saying fuck is not just not that girl thing. speaking of girls, today some girl comes into my office and slaps all these naked photos of her in all these erotic poses on my desk and walks away. I'll tell you, ever since I decided to stop being player and hold out for number one the girls are just coming out of the woodwork. Its nuts. I think girls can feel when you're not playing anymore. They try to get through that maybe because they see as a challenge. Or maybe just because you aren't putting out that I'm a player vibe anymore. Who knows. but this is crazy. now when I finally decide to get serious and look for Mrs. Number one... now they're just everywhere. and the naked pix didn't even turn me on. which could mean that I'm gay I guess. Holy shit that reminds me last night I walked to this local newsstand on second avenue to get a smoke and there was this GAY XXX magazine on the counter so I opened it up and looked inside. And holy shit. it was filled with naked men with huge erect rods doing each other. I mean they were like really doing each other in the poop shoots. I had never seen that before. I mean, we hear about it, but to see it like that in full color. Wow. that was some crazy stuff. so that's what they do for real then huh. Crazy. hey, whatever floats your boat.]

so where were we. O.k. so no housekeeper and the apartment is really gross. I mean we are back to the college days at this point. Seriously disgusting at this point. But that's because I'm working around the clock and frankly even if I weren't who wants to clean their own house? so I just let it go because well its fun and I'm lazy and probably too much of a snob at this point for my own good. but the bath tub is so gross! I'm talking gross and I still take these baths everyday in it like that character from the old MTV show the young ones. And I don't really mind because I'm really enjoying the old dirty college days vibe. I don't know why exactly but I'm actually enjoying it. I think I secretly look at it like my last blast. I mean, lets face it, once you settle down with a girl you can’t just let the house go and live like a pig so I'm just really getting a lot out of it and making the most of it. there is garbage everywhere and when I walk I just kick it around the room. Now bear in mind that I'm pretty high right now from all this pain medication from this effing ear ache so don't count on me to admit this tomorrow.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Dear Tuesday,

Yes well that was a good email I sent. Hard for men to write emails like that because it goes against our innate biological instincts in fact. Damn near impossible. But you just have to split yourself in two and force yourself sometimes to do the right thing.

You see, there are three kinds of girls. First group: Some girls can separate themselves from sex. they do it, they dig it, they explore it, they have fun with it, but its not always emotional to them. Cleopatra was like that. I hated it as much as I loved it. it’s a sport or a hobby to them, much like it is to most men. To men, we can totally separate ourselves emotionally from sex. in many instances it can have nothing to do with love or family or romance or emotion, just a fun experience. [this is why you can open the village voice and see close to one thousand adverts for sensual massage parlors or escort services for men just in Manhattan alone, but almost none for women. Ever wonder why that is?] For most men, this is the way it is. for us a sexual experience is much like going to a sporting event or a pub with our friends. Just a good time. but very few women fit into this group. very few. More and more these days, but still very few.

The other group of girls is where the majority of them are: sex is very much tied into emotion and love and romance and family, all that are all sort of combined. When they make love with a guy they really feel something. they can’t help it. its just the way they are built. Sex in some way, even a small way, means giving a part of themselves and they can get really attached and emotional pretty easily. Most guys are not this way. but most girls are.

And then there is a third group: those girls that don't know which group they are in yet. so they cause a shitload of problems for themselves and the guys they are with because they just don't know where they are yet.

Now at 22 years old, you could end up in either group. at your age you should be in group 1 so you can enjoy the single years and rack up some good experience. But the truth is that you may not know yet. and if you end up in group 2 but try to tell yourself that you're in group 1, you could end up really hurt a lot of the time... so before you go flirting with sexy older guys who happen to play in rock bands and happen to collect romantic/sexual experiences with girls like most people collect books or cds, you should know exactly what you are doing and why and what you want out of your life. the last thing in the world I would want for you is to ever be hurt. I always want to see that shiny smile on your face. U dig? 

[In answer to your other question about the groups for guys, I think it’s the same for guys actually. I just think the tables are completely turned the other way. most guys are in group one but want desperately to be in group two so they can have a wife and kids etc so they have to fight their group number one urges their whole life and it causes them a lot of inner turmoil and frustration and guilt. Little do they know they could just wait longer to settle down and get married and get it out of their system a bit and then they'd be fine but instead they spend most of their married life in utter confusion and guilt and anxiety thinking there is something wrong with them rather than realizing that they're just a biological system that was created to have sex all the time with lots of women. Once you get that, you're home-free. When you do finally accept that and then deliberately decide to settle with one woman because of the enormous benefits of that, you can settle into it and be proud and deliberate in it. I'm trying to get there.]

In your experience, is that really true?
or are you wanting that to be true?
 Dear Tuesday,

Wow. you are fucking smart. Sharp. Wise. You're going to have to be careful because how are you ever going to find a guy as smart as you are?

In answer to your question, In my experience I found that the benefits did outweigh the desire for tasting of other fruits... easy all the time? no. but worth it. I did fall in love a few times when I was with Cleo. I still found myself with these mild obsessions that would haunt me... but that one on one 'we're building an empire together' thing is so strong in your mind and heart that it is easy. especially if you choose the right partner -- someone you are just entirely obsessed with. Someone who thrills you, who has their own life and you are in awe of.
Dear fishy  
well, I've thought about that question a lot
like I said...most guys do not know what to do with me but there are ways in which I am not smart and I think that is what I'm looking for someone who challenges and supports those areas. I think that is why I'm naturally really attracted to older men
because they seem to have the things that I can't stand dealt with
and have a lot of wisdom in areas where I don't they fascinate me way more then men my age (I don't think that I have ever dated someone my age)
honestly, I'm confused as to why I like older men
I'm trying to work that out

Now, I'm working on creating me and doing the things that I love I believe as I create a strong life he will be created to fit into that and we'll meet each other or we won't, but I'll have a fucking great life anyway

so coming from a place of partying where I am at I've got men in my life that serve different purposes and that is fantastic too! I think it is best to not rely on one person for everything it is too much pressure so I'm trying to cultivate a strong support around me
so that I can create an amazing relationship with my future guy

not to say I don't get frustrated and my panties in a twist because I haven't found someone I've been really connected to in the last 2 years I definitely have my moments of pure pissed off and woe is me (I know, that is really sexy isn't it?)

nice to express thanks for listening it's been really nice to share these things with you
I'm learning a lot about myself (and you) in the process
Dear Tuesday,

I'll tell you Lil Sis, it sounds like you really know what you're doing and have it together. I have learned from what you are doing. I take what I can get out of reading you. I am doing a similar thing. lately asking myself, what do I need to be to attract/and then keep her? its easy to have all these demands and specifications for the person we want to be with, but what about what they want? Are we anywhere near what the person we want would want?

I mean, is my tiny apartment enough? Will she understand what the hell I am doing living like this and why? things like that. but honestly I really believe that it is all up to beliefs. when you believe it you will see it. so in the meantime I do the same, enjoy the life and make the most of it as who I am now the way that my life is now. that is the best we can do. everyday we see glimpses of what we are looking for in the faces of others on the streets and the subways and in the bars and restaurants. These are the little signs guiding us and helping us to understand our heart and its deepest desires. That way when the right person does come along, we recognize it immediately. 'ah hah! There you are!'

But hey, you're too young for all this serious talk. Go party more. tease men. Flirt more. Drive men crazy. drive yourself crazy. you should sleep with at least 30 more men before you marry. That way you never look back and wonder... now what about a Nigerian folk singer? I never had a Nigerian folk singer...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

June 22nd, 2005

Subject: fathers day

Dear dad,

Beaver told me he talked to you, but I don't think he expressed it right. I honestly did appreciate your feedback about the vocals on the albums. I think its rather admirable that you can express your opinions about how you really feel about our work like that unlike mom who only has grand opinions of everything we do. Shocking as they were, I thought it was interesting to hear such frank feedback. Although I do think you should have bought the albums to hear what they really sounded like. I think if I had a son, I would probably be buying everything he puts out just to hear where he's at. To cop the whole vibe etc. but again, they aren't necessarily your kind of thing really, and the subject matter of the sleep with you CD I'm afraid would have horrified you for the most part. I told mom not to buy it either.

For me the hardest part about our connecting in real time is what happened when I was 20 and my mom was arrested and put in jail under false pretense by that ‘conveniently just retired’ judge on a Friday afternoon so she was forced to stay there till Monday when the judge could be found, the mistake discovered, and the charges could be dismissed. I reached out to everyone I knew to help mom and you were one of those people. I even called the Scourge, her ex-husband and my ex-step father, who had arranged the arrest as revenge against her for seeking divorce from him, and even his mother to try to talk sense to him, trying whatever I could to get mom out. Because I know how sick mom gets when she gets stressed. And just thinking about this makes my skin crawl and my heart beat fast when I think of mom getting sick.

Regardless of how you feel about St. Theresa in your life, and God knows I know how a man can feel about his ex’s; I know ex-wives and ex-girlfriends suck a lot of the time. And so do ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends, unless we are real lucky and can still manage to stay friends; and I understand your reluctance to want to hang with me and Beav through the years when we were growing up. I have heard that from so many men who didn't have relationships with their kids so I know that's a real thing... and I feel for you for having to go through that in your life. The Beast has a similar thing in his life where he never knew his own kids and it seems a lot of men from your generation do maybe just because they got married and had kids so young.

But my opinion was and still is that you should have thought about me as your son and how that was affecting me. your son’s mom was in jail and there's little worse I can think of a person going through than that. maybe the mom dying or getting raped or something would be worse, but your mom in jail, regardless of the circumstances being illegal or fraudulent – in fact, due to those circumstances being so nefarious and heinous it made it even worse knowing what a good person mom is. As a dad, as a man, you should have said ‘son, I know how you must feel. me and your mom aren't getting along too well for many years, but I know how this is affecting you. So I'm there for you. give me two hours kid. I'll arrange for the cash now to get her out. And I'm on my way for you.’ jumped in your car and driven down the two hours to help your son through that.

But you didn't. instead you offered me some philosophical and cavalier answer and went about your business that day. I was literally in shock during the whole experience and that made it all the weirder. It took me years to remember that because it was just suck a shocking experience that I had blocked it out till last year or the year before. I think it was deeply repressed. that's why I pulled back from our reconnection. Because I remembered it. when I think of that I just cannot see why you are reaching out to us now and why we would want to connect with you. what are we connecting with? How are we to ever trust that you are there for us in any way?

That was your shot to be the hero of the story. After so much pain and sorrow and confusion and weirdness and shame and trauma that we had to go through with not knowing our own father through our lives, this really could have set things straight and started us on a course of some good and some healing. All those guns you have and the fast car and the military training and all that would have made so much sense if you would have driven into town and been the Clint eastwood and saved the day for everyone. A two hour fucking drive is all it would have taken. But you didn't. you just acted like it was my problem and that was that and you didn't even call to find out how it went. She could have been in there for weeks for all you knew.

Everytime I think of that moment I play it over in my brain how it could have been different if you could have just told me those words instead of what really happened and driven down with a bag full of cash to bail mom out and brought me some dinner and sat at that jailhouse to wait with me and my girlfriend and we could have eaten some hot food together and felt safer by your presence. But instead it was a three day nightmare that I will never forget. Even now as a grown man it haunts me and makes my stomach hurt and my heart heavy. And that was years ago.

I always forget to tell you that. but I owe that much to you. this is why I don't reach out to you on fathers day. and honestly I don't know if I ever will in this lifetime.

I know you're on a good path now and that makes me feel better, gives me comfort. I trust that one day our paths will cross again.



Tuesday, June 21, 2005

And me the one suffering from a constant insecurity, though it has gotten better and better through the years, am now starting more and more to see that it is a creation that I am constantly recreating, a belief that I am living through, rather than a reality that I really do suck and that everyone hates me. of course its easier to feel that way, in a way. because then you can just walk around judging everything and everyone because after all you suck and everyone hates you, so you can take on that whole fuck them cynical attitude which a lot of people do. but that's not really what I'm talking about here. so anyway yes the feeling Manifests as something/anything similar to “I'm not good enough,” or “they don't like me,” “they don't want to hang with me” or “they don't like my work,” or “they don't want to work with us...” this type of thing. and any slight evidence in the physical universe of this will trigger it and I will kick and scream and struggle inside my head trying very hard to stomach it and pray it isn't so but know for a fact that it is so and feel very bad. And then ninety-nine times out of a hundred I find out that it was only my imagination playing tricks on me and that I just didn't know what was going on. when the person does contact me they were just busy or expected me to call or lost our contact info etc and then I realize that I had succumbed once again to an imaginary scenario that is being triggered by a series of beliefs I still hold that are negative and not serving me.

At those times I always tell myself that I will learn from that and I will stop automatically creating and assuming this dire outcome with people and events and stop being so insecure. But if something happens that triggers it, well, it just triggers it. and oftentimes I just feel a victim of it and can’t even reach out to connect with the other person. it makes me close up into a shell. And not be able to even make a move in the right direction. Oftentimes I can’t even make a call to anyone. Instead I just walk around feeling sorry for myself. this is an honest state that many of us live in/through but just aren't aware of what's going on. for me now I'm starting to become of aware of the causality of it.

I'm getting better and that was what I intended by writing here. I am getting better. I'm starting to see more and more that I am creating that, I am assuming these negative things to be true before I even know the reality. And through that I am creating a reality and acting from that reality. So I oftentimes don't even give myself I chance. But step by step and year by year I get better. More able to say hey man its o.k. you're o.k. everyone doesn’t hate you. you're alright just the way you are man. its all cool. you can relax. Let go. be yourself. Be happy. just try it for now. its o.k. even if it is true, even if someone doesn’t dig you, plenty of people do, so just ease up on yourself and love yourself. You're alright.

I think I come off pretty confident most of the time, because at another level I am, so I know that when my peeps hear that I feel this way sometimes it helps them come closer to that being cool with themselves too, thinking shit man if Fishy feels this way then hell everyone probably does. And then hopefully they start to go easier on themselves too. and if I can help in that manner by sharing this, then good, some good is coming out of it.

Shit, when you think about it, that's probably half of what's wrong with the world, everyone so afraid that people are out to get them or are dissing them or not digging them or are secretly harboring negative feelings towards them... the resistance to this creates pretense and arrogance and defense and offensive moves. And it all just gets hellish and confused from there. this is what causes arguments and deceptive acts and wars. But hopefully, eventually we will get over that. we will all get over ourselves and start trusting more. and the world will be a better place for it. 


O.k. here's something else I'm still working with, exploring: the difference between “meant to be” and “we created it through our thoughts and actually its up to us and it isn't “meant to be”.” right? I mean, that's our choice when things coincidental or synchronistic happen.  in other words, is the hand of God/fate/the universe? Or is it just us manifesting reality through our thoughts?

Monday, June 20, 2005

In the subway station today and I just bowed my head to focus on my career. you know, to focus attention and intention on what I wanted from my career. but what came out of my mouth was “God help me treat people with more tolerance and respect.” funny I thought. Is that where I'm headed? Is that where it’s at for me now? It is said that when we pray, we are speaking. when we are quiet and listening, God is speaking. sometimes it seems God speaks through us in our prayers and even tells us what to pray for. I don't mind. Let God speak for me now. I need it. I am open and ready to hear what he has to say and what he wishes for me to say.

Last screening: Bad boys 2. I love this movie because I love will smith and martin Laurence in it. they are so effing funny. But you're not going to find that in Miami just in case you thought you would. Remember the villain in it? that creepy Cuban guy who killed everyone? There is a lot more of that in Miami than anyone dares to admit. and the cops there are not like will smith and martin Laurence at all. but that's not what I'm here to type. Right now I am watching all the old Humphrey Bogart films and really digging them. he's just such the man. and there is this scene in key largo when someone gets killed. They just get shot and you really feel it. I mean, you feel that very human sense of loss and sadness for someone getting killed. And it reminded me of seeing bad boys 2 recently when the bad Cuban guy kills this other bad guys partner and puts his bloody body in a container his bloody arms and legs sticking out. and I'm thinking about the contrast of where we are now in modern American film. there is such a sincere disregard for human life that we are all s used to seeing people killed and dismembered and mutilated and blown up. we take it for granted. In fact people really want that in their American movies. Hollywood has people called violence experts who watch films before they are released to see if there is enough violence in them in case they need to add more violence to do better at the box office. that's really fucking sick when you think about it. that is a very sad statement of where we are as a people right now, how twisted we have allowed our collective consciousness to get.

I wonder why we are there now? I mean, what is the American publics obsession with watching other people get killed? Why is that even happening in the mind of modern humans right now? and why do we allow it? when you think of martin Scorsese and the others and the kind of pictures he makes. I mean, why is he doing it? and why do people like it so much? I mean, we would never want that kind of thing to happen to any of us or to the people we love in reality. So why do we want to watch it in the movies? Makes me sad and scared for us. I cannot help but feel that it is one of the reasons why young kids seem so much more willing now to kill each other in schools and all that. say what you will. freedom of speech and expression and all that. but I have to side with the people that say that there is some sort of correlation there.

Current spin: autechre, warp180. this is electronica/drum and bass. Love this CD. the polar bear turned me onto it. it is bliss!!!! Buy it.

Current read: still reading the Islam book, studying the Koran. learning about that holy book. You know, Islam, Muslimism is just Judaism and Christianity with a different twist. And those religions sprung out of Zoroastrianism. Literally the same religion Islam is. an alien from a different planet would never be able to tell the difference between the monotheism of Judeo-Christian and Islam. They believe in the same God and the same prophets and much of the same customs and all and even the same old testament. they just made it more accessible to the Arabic peoples. They appropriated it to make it more suitable to the heart and mind of the Arabic and middle eastern people. just goes to show. Its all pretty much the same thing, this desire man has to narrow everything we consider sacred and holy and good into a workable monotheistic system of morals and values and customs to help guide us in our search for peace of mind and a logical view of the mysteries of life in this vast lonely universe. I think if more Jews and Christians realized that Allah was actually the same God literally the same God from the old testament that they also believed in, then they wouldn’t feel so estranged from these people. when we hear the word Allah we think its like this totally different God that they believe in, as is the case with the Hindu religion where they worship different gods entirely like Krishna and shiva. But really we are a lot closer to our Muslim brothers and sisters than we realize. They're digging the same God as the other major religions are; they're just interpreting the messages and characteristics differently to suit their own culture. You can’t very well as a responsible human being in this day and age claim to believe that your religion is any more right or true than any other’s.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

I just landed back in New York. I cannot describe the feeling of pleasure I get when I get back to nyc. You feel so blessed to come back and realize that you live here. what a joy. anyway, You ever notice that there are people who are into golf? I mean, they're really into it. like, they like it. On the plane today I noticed an older couple watching golf on the TV in front of them. a hundred channels and they are watching golf. For me golf is boring enough to play, let alone watch other people play it on a TV. Couldn’t imagine. I would love to get in the mind of people like that and see what's going on. find out what makes them tick.

[o.k. check this out, as fate would have it, I am sitting in my favorite little smoke shop on fiftieth and lex in a big old leather chair just happy to be back in the city; in a few minutes we will begin shooting for the TV show trailer, and so I'm just chilling and typing here and this special comes on TV explaining how the US open is so cool because its this championship where anyone can qualify to play in it. even regular joes like you and me and that's what makes it so special. That in fact this one guy who's is this total blue collar worker qualified this year and couldn’t afford to go so he put himself up on eBay for a sponsorship and a north Carolina health care company got the high bid and gave him $7600 to pay for his travel and lodging and other expenses. The most he ever made playing golf. Now that's a cool story. I'm not sold on golf necessarily but I appreciate it a lot more now. goes to show, information is the key. The more we learn about something the more we can get into it. I'm telling you, I think sometimes that God is just really focusing attention on me right now, as if sometimes he just lowers his hands down and lifts me up and places me into situations as if to show me things... I can’t say I mind so much.]
Today Tree called me. which is rare. He never calls any of us anymore. Weird because I was just writing about him. right? the invisible hand. anyway, he didn't call to chat. He called because it turns out a good friend of ours from high school died over in Iraq. Dan Binster. Everyone called him Binky back then. when I first heard the news I was angry and sad. I felt for his family, but my initial reaction was ‘well it serves him right. he knew what he was getting himself into. what the hell was he doing over there killing people anyway? I mean, you go invade a foreign country, yeah there's a risk that you're going to get killed. And here we are mourning for the 1600 Americans who have died and here they’ve killed more than 100,000 iraqis so far....’ I warned Tree that I wasn't the one who was going to be sympathetic about this situation. I said bro I'm not the one to call about this. you know how I feel about America invading Iraq or any other country that isn't attacking us. now I thought Tree was going to be pissed at me for saying this. but he wasn't. he said he agreed with me but found it hard because these guys have their president coming on TV all the time telling them that invading Iraq is the right thing to do and that they're helping to free the Iraqi people and save the Americans. We both just sat there talking about how fucked the whole thing is and now one of our friends is dead because of this. and how many more American guys are injured or wounded in some horrible way? fucking bastard government. And now its home for us. a good guy right from our own little private high school. From this forward on in the concept we call life here on earth this guy will exist no more. he is dead. He is a memory. And he was killed because he was invading another country because the president of this country told him to go there and do it. and now he's dead. And his family and friends will forever suffer and miss him and wonder the hell happened to Binky. And in the meantime tomorrow bush and his war monger administration will wake up and eat their breakfast, tell a few jokes, maybe even play a few rounds of golf. They’ll give a few speeches to the press about how we must keep going and complete our mission, whatever the hell that is, I think the whole fucking country at this point is wondering about that one. and day by day thousands more Iraqi people will die and hundreds more Americans will die. There will be a Binky from every town in America dead before this thing is through and bush and his administration and their families will be just fine because they aren't over there fighting. Nope. They’ll be just fine.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Lyrics this time. totally different. I haven't spent any time working on the lyrics of any specific songs this time. I have titles for each one, general themes, subject matter ideas but just haven't taken the time to work sitting down and writing them. as each guy adds his parts it gets closer and closer to time for me to get serious about discovering what the lyrics are going to be for these babies because eventually I'm going to have to sing all my final vocal takes.

[On ‘I wanna know ya’ from NIC I didn't even bother writing lyrics. I just mumbled nonsense with an occasional word thrown in here or there because it sounded good like that on that dummy take and we didn't want to take the risk of effing it up by re-recording it. and truly I just didn't want to bother working out lyrics about a song about seeing a chick and wanting to hang with her. if you ever sit down and say to yourself ‘what the fuck is he saying in that song?’ don't go crazy trying to figure it out. I'm not saying anything. I'm just screaming stream of consciousness gibberish.]

so these babies for the new album are getting to that point and I haven't made that move yet to sitting down with paper and working out any lyrics. Just phrases are coming here and there. underneath it all is the whisper of the song telling me what it wants to be about, of what it’s truly saying at its core.
‘waiting for Godot’ – which we just finished tracking just now –- I recorded 6 different guitar parts that sound super-bad-ass --- Vancouver will probably lay down another 6 I would imagine --- is about how fucking miserable it is to live with all of life’s unanswerable questions and unfairness and how we’re just waiting to die to hopefully discover something/anything of real substance or truth besides all this pain suffering and mystery. This song is really out there. sonically. Slams.
‘Here it comes’ is my favorite if I had to choose. Or solaris. Here it comes is so romantic. A guy telling his girl we can make it. I know its hard and it seems so fucked and hopeless now, at this time, still, I know, it still sucks, life is still hard for us babe, but I swear to fucking God I can feel that its coming around. here it comes.

‘Solaris’ I wrote during watching that movie. I was so moved by that movie for some reason. So its like that. a guy is speaking to his girl who has passed on to the other side, out in solaris, now that she has found her new life, what's it like, who is she now. do you still think about me?
‘After tomorrow’ is a suicide letter. You’ve tried hard to do what you had to and what you needed to and what you should do and could do and still it didn't work out. there was always something that I couldn’t explain getting in my way. fate always working against me. so I'm out of here. after tomorrow I'll be able to breathe again. I'm checking out.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

The most horrifying experience today. I was visiting Brown Bear to see his new little baby. yes the party all night and three days onward Brown Bear is now a father. God have mercy on his new daughter. I was on the back porch smoking a most delightful Cuban partagas series #4 the bear had just given me, and was interrupted by a phone call. Midway through the call Brown Bear calls to me, bro dinner is ready. I turn to him, bro not now. and I go back to my call. He tells me later at dinner ‘dude I don't know what you were speaking about but you had the most dire look of pain on your face I have ever seen.’

So I begin to tell him of one of the most harrowing telephone conversations I have ever had thus far in my short but adventurous life. I will not prose this because I have already spent too much time thinking about it. turns out that the Ferret recently spoke with Cleopatra about our little shared business venture, a fledgling spinoff of another company we had started a few years earlier. In our youth and inexperience we gave Ferret 5% ownership in the company, not understanding what 5% of a company could mean. a year or so later I told both of them that I changed my mind. I had been crunching numbers and it turned out that five percent of a large company could be quite a fortune. I could see from the current business model that we were soon going to become a large business. the problem with large businesses is that through you may be earning large bank on the books, in reality you may not be doing so well. all the money needs to be put back into the company. So you may show a profit of say half a mil. but you may have spent it all on capital reinvestment and loan payoffs. But that five percent owner may still want his five percent and that's twenty-five grand a year right there if you stay at the same place.

Well my decision to take the shares back didn't go over well with Ferret and Cleo at the time just didn't understand what I was saying. she now regrets that decision more than any other for so many reasons. Ferret has been most unpleasant to us over the years never lifting a finger to help in the business or even pay much attention to it except to ask every year, where's my money? and now that we are about to sell this little spinoff for a very small amount of money just so Cleo and I can get out of business with one another, Ferret is most concerned with his share of that pie. It turns out he is offering both of us to buy him out. but not for what his shares are worth but for double because he sees there is a premium for the shares that will yield the buyer with the majority shares in the company.

Now because Cleo and I cannot see eye to eye on things yet and still unfortunately we are constantly arguing and have even taken as I have written about earlier to taking up our own individual attorneys to battle each other to the despicable demise of all of our life’s earnings. Uncannily we still speak as friends on the phone all the time but over certain business matters we just cannot get it together. so I say to Ferret casually, well you wouldn’t sell your shares to her would you? “at this point I will sell them to whoever gives me the money first,” he tells me. “but if you sell your shares to her she will gain majority control of this company and could vote on all sorts of matters that I will have no say in. in fact you know as well as I that she has every intention of taking almost all of the proceeds of the impending sale and leaving me with very little.” “I know. so why don't you buy them.” “I've already told you, I don't want to buy them for double what they are worth if we are going to sell in two weeks. it would be foolish.” “well then she might.” “well if she buys those shares you know the scenario is going to be the company is going to sell, she's going to walk away with just under a million bucks, your going to walk with a hundred thou and I'm going to get next to nothing for a company I started. Bro you know I founded this company. This is my baby. you can’t sell me out. you would sell me out after fifteen years of friendship knowing what would happen?” “Look man, at one time we had a friendship, but this isn't about friendship. This is about money. and I have to start thinking about myself.”

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

In the recording studio in Miami to continue working on tracks for the new albums with the guys. still working on two albums at once. The official new one, now being called ‘all your heroes always become villains,’ and ‘Girls.’ About twenty-five songs in all. we are completing drums and bass and my rhythm guitars. Then the files will be copied to DVDs to give to Rockaway and  Vancouver and they will be free to add as many guitar and keyboard tracks as they want to in their spare time at their home studios or wherever they are in the world. the way we are doing it now is everyone is free to go crazy and lay down as much as they want to however they want to. they will layer the shit out of the tracks with ideas. They will send the new DVDs to me. I will listen and make notes. Then the new new DVDs will be sent to Fred at the dungeon to edit and choose  the tracks that he likes out of everything they laid down. I will begin completing my lyrics for the songs and fleshing out all of the different vocal parts I want to add. I will then fly back down here to work out the vocals with trophy wife and zeke who will sing backups with me and the other guys and we will work in zekes studio on vocals because he is great at tracking vocals. And then those new dvds go back to Fred to clean up more and edit more and begin mixing. Then the new edited DVDs will go out to Kamran in San fran and pouchon in New York to grab bits and pieces that they like and start fucking with the sound of everything that has been laid down. Then back to Fred to mix some more. We have never recorded this way before but it is not only possible but preferable now in this new age of recording technology. A very free and creative approach to creating music. very different than the ‘five guys in a garage’ approach we took for nothing is cohesive. eventually someone will be chosen to mix it all together and make finished product out of it. the tracks will then fly to G2 in Chile to chill with for a few weeks to begin designing artwork ideas for the CD, and then onto someone else in a different city to master and then a different city to manufacture. Eventually the distributor in Colorado gets the finished cds in big crates at their warehouse and then begins shipping them all over the country to stores and the Internet to sell. This is the way music is being created and sold in the year 2005. for now I can chill and just wait to hear what the other guys lay down.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Quick because I’m tired. and I'm working on other stuff. its midnight. Movie with Tuesday. Lil Sis changed her name to Tuesday. I like the new one better too. Kamran from San Fran is making the most killer remixes of our shit from the NIC album. They are effing awesome. will post to the homepage. The war still rages with Cleopatra. spoke with Bas today for the first time in weeks. good talk. A little bit distant but hopefully we are getting there. I have learned that friendships along with family and our relationship with some higher power could just be the most important thing in the universe, at least to us, here, now. I have learned that we have to cherish our friendships and that means watching what we say and do in regards to our relationships. We can’t just go shooting our mouth off whenever and however we want to. as a man that's a hard lesson to get with my temper, but I got it loud and clear. if I do ever win back my friendships with Bas and Ferret I will be blessed and thankful and will have learned some very important world lessons.

I went to that church again today. spent an hour or so talking to the minister there. just he and I. intimate. Personal. Good stuff. I love Sundays for this. just communing with our idea of God and with friends and family. quiet time. nap time. relaxing and regrouping time. can’t describe in words what this new found relationship with this higher power feels like. Really came out of the blue. Feels like heaven. Came at the perfect time. I've been going to sleep every night in this deep state of oneness with this sense of God, firmly rooted in it and bonding with it, embracing the mystery, loving the alien as bowie says,

So many girls I wanna make love with all the time all around me but still maintaining the status quo and trying to act like a gentleman.  man that's a strange one, let me tell you. two voices at play in the brain at all times. There's the ‘man I would love to kiss her, make love with her...’ and then there's that other one.... like Mel Gibson in Braveheart... “wait. Wait. Wait....” only I'm still waiting for the “NOW!!!” so I just hold back and don't do anything, knowing already from the past what the consequences could be. so I wait. But as a man it isn't easy. the woman upstairs is always falling in front of me so I can catch her. or reaching up high for things to offer a sneak preview, you know, but I play it cool. women when they’re that age, early fifties, forget about it, they know all the moves, know what they want, and know how to please. That's a Ferrari right there, made to be driven fast.  Only thing is that I've already bonded with her kids. I'm like an older brother to them.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

More hours spent viewing and time-logging footage for the show. Endless and overwhelming task but getting through it. a few hours spent talking to Lil Sis and boo boo. About how hard it is to feel centered and grounded in New York. so hard to feel comfort and secure and nurtured here. because the energy is so high all time. hard to get together with friends. Everyone so caught up in their quest to make their dream a reality. Everyone always working so hard and striving so hard you can live five blocks from someone and not see them for a month. Surrounded by people and still be very much alone most of the time. I had always heard this about New York but never knew it really till I moved here. but yes it is true. a week flies by so fast it feels like a day or two because you are working so hard and such long hours.
Fishy says:
holy cow! laurence and i are speaking about you right now!!! how weird
Rosie  says:
Rosie  says:
Fishy says:
i jsut asked him where the heck is ro?
Fishy says:
standby i will copy and paste some good news for you so i dont have to retype
Fishy says:
your brother is in the middle of preaching jesus to me right now. as always.  standby...
Fishy says:
Fishy says:
i finally found a home-church here in manhattan after a nine month search.
Laurence-  says:
wow, and what does that exactly mean?
Rosie says:
great!!!!! im so pleased for u! so hows the serach spiritually?
 Fishy says:
its ok. i feel a strong god presence all the time now. he led me to go into this church one day when i was walking by and i was filled with the most spiritually fulfilling feeling of euphoria i had ever felt before
Rosie  says:
so you are feeling closer to the truth!!   that's great!
Fishy says:
Well perhaps. or just blind hypnosis... religion is hypnosis... haha... but perhaps its ok 
Fishy says:
of euphoria i had ever felt before. a sens of peace and joy and love and comfort and feeling that he is there for us and with us all the time. so i got the message and went back to the church that sunday
Rosie  says:
what ahhpend next
Rosie  says:
Fishy says:
good stuff.
Rosie  says:
Fishy says:
i went back to the church and felt immediately at home after going to different churches ever sunday for about nine months i knew i was home. couldnt explain it. felt like home. felt like old times. god spoke to me sort of like that and all of a sudden i felt this surge of him being very close to me and very close to this church.
Fishy says:
as if its a special place....
Rosie  says:
Rosie  says:
what kind of church was it?
Fishy says:
christ church, united methodist
Rosie  says: do you think that the God they worship is true?
Rosie  says:
based on the experience you had?
Fishy says:
the god? yes i guess. i know that i feel god, gods love, presence in our lives...
Fishy says:
i feel that we are all feeling someting akin to godness who are at that church...
Rosie  says:
that is wonderful
Rosie  says: you believe in the concept of salvation?
Fishy says:
i grew up in the church and went to christian schools so the community aspect is very importnat to me
Fishy says:
the spiritual community aspect of being with like minded people who walk the walk is importnat to me
Fishy says:
im jsut not sure about the details of the dogma...
Fishy says:
i do not beleive that humanity needs salvation from outside of itself...
Fishy says:
i beleive we can supply our own salvation.
Fishy says:
i know this to be true becasue it was me who supplied my own salvation in '95 and onward... through discvoering the avatar tools and other tools that we can use to free ourselves of guilt and pain and regret and resentment and all that... it didnt come from outside of me. it came from me forgiving myself.... and then voila! i was happy and refreshed and filled with joy again
Fishy says:
i am sure god has something to do with it. i am sure of it. i pray to him eveyday and always have.
Rosie  says:
you know what Jesus taught about salvation right?
Fishy says:
tell me in your words
Rosie  says:
we cannot save our selves.  god requires complete purity/holiness from us and we cannot achieve that our selves.  jesus died for us so that we cam be completely forgiven and saved from our own sin
Rosie  says:
we just need to trust in him, surrender our sins to him (aknowledging we cannot save our selves and need him and his sacrifice).
Fishy says:
i did this many times when i was a teenager and became so to speak born again. but im jsut not there anymore in my heart or mind. but i am sure god understands... to be perfectly honest, i beleive that god if we dare utter the word cares alot more about who we are and how we are and how we act than he does about what we say we beleive or not.
Fishy says:
walk the walk. talking the talk is pretty insignificant. this is my beleif.
Rosie  says:
i get what you mean
Rosie  says:
but it says in the bible that
Rosie  says:
it is through Faith we are saved
Rosie  says:
not by works
Rosie  says:
lest any man should boast
Rosie  says:
Fishy says:
when god speaks to me i listen. when he asks me to do something i do it. i listen.
Fishy says:
remember, that im not such a holy book beleiver.
Fishy says:
its nothing against the christian bible or the koran or any of them. i really dont beleive in any of them... not the bagavad gita or the upanishads or the koran or or the torah or any of them... i do not beleive that man can know god well enough to write his words or ideas down.
Fishy says:
this is my own personal beleif. god is in our hearts perhaps and can come through in our actions and how we appear to the world but not through written words that try to represent what god is thinking or saying.
Rosie  says:
but if god is Jesus, then much of the new testement is just a history account about an encounter with god on earth
Fishy says:
fascinating ideas in the above sentence rosie...
Fishy says:
and one can go on forever pondering these ideas... unfortunaly we will never know. humankind will prob never know...
Fishy says:
for 2000 years we have pondered those ideas and millions of people have been killed because of them. everyone fighting over things like this.
Fishy says:
its best for us to move beyond all that and to jsut live by a human code of love and peace and morality and ethics and respect...
Rosie  says:
that's well and good in principle
Rosie  says:
but try it
Rosie  says:
it's impossible
Rosie  says:
if we really could live by a human code of love and peace and morality and ethics and respect...
Fishy says:
i find it easy. especially if i pray everyday.
Rosie  says:
we would not need god to save us
Fishy says:
i pray to god to help me be true to my heart of hearts. i think holy books -- no matter which religion they are from -- only confuse humans.
Fishy says:
osama bin laden and george w bush are two great examples of religious people confused by holy books....
Rosie  says:
yeah...but if the Bible is changes everything
Rosie  says:
if it is just a false religious book then of course you are right
Rosie  says:
but if it is tru
Rosie  says:
Fishy says:
well every religion could say that. and they do. so who are we humans supposed to beleive?
Rosie  says:
then it changes our definition of truth
Rosie  says:
Rosie  says:
only God can show us
Fishy says:
that isnt even fair to think about.... really. its exclusionary to humanity.
Rosie  says:
and he will
Fishy says:
well i hope he does eventually show us because im sick of reading the history of humankind killing each other over these very silly arguments...
Fishy says:
its nice that we created a god concept. its an awesome idea. now lets live up to it. lets make god proud.
Rosie  says:
of course
Rosie  says:
Fishy says:
Rosie  says:
but what if the only way we can make him proud is to surrender to him and let him cleanse and save us
Fishy says:
thought youd like that chickie
Fishy says:
i know....
Fishy says:
jsut gonna have to wait till god comes down and tells us what the hell is going on!
Fishy says:
cause none of us know...
Fishy says:
until then we still have music and movies and dancing and lovemaking and romance and all that....
Rosie  says:
well he came once and the next time it comes it will be too late
Fishy says:
I don’t agree
Rosie  says:
then it says Every Knee Shall Bow, Every Tounge Confess that Jesus Chrict is Lord
Fishy says:
do you think maybe that i am the second coming?
Fishy says:
i look like jesus....
Fishy says:
do you remember when i was sporting that beard?
Fishy says:
Rosie  says:
well...i think you can answer that for your self my dear Fishy!!
Rosie  says:
but you are cool!!!
Fishy says:
Fishy says:
that would be funny if i were the messiah and didnt know it...
Fishy says:
at least you could get into clubs for free...
Rosie  says:
well the messiah will and does no it
Rosie  says:
well u can do that anyway already because you are such a rock star
Fishy says:
Rosie  says:
gotta go
Rosie  says:
have an exam tommorow
Rosie  says:
have not revised
Fishy says:
kick butt!
Rosie  says:
Rosie  says:
I am glad to speak to my friends and family about these things. I am glad that I have friends and family who are still so religious. It’s a good discourse where we all can learn a little. Not into the ritual of religion so much myself. Believing now that God is actually more of an extension of us... or we an extension of him. that one day we will realize the secret that has been there all along for us to discover. That that which we seek is actually just a larger extension of ourselves. So even the rituals to me seem insignificant and meaningless in the bigger picture. It is our actions that are what's important. the rituals change and shift according to what time in our history it is and what country we are living in. But our actions are timeless. They are beyond national boundaries.

In the “white house sucks ass department” from our friends at CNN:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- A White House official, who previously worked for the American Petroleum Institute, has repeatedly edited government climate reports in a way that downplays links between greenhouse gas emissions and global warming, The New York Times reported Wednesday.
Philip Cooney, chief of staff for the White House Council on Environmental Quality, made changes to descriptions of climate research that had already been approved by government scientists and their supervisors, the newspaper said, citing internal documents.
The White House declined comment on the report.
Well of course they did.

Current spin: husseine alizadeh, the art of improvisation. Persian classical music played on the dumbek and the taar. Beautiful. really effing beautiful. 

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

In the most hilarious bit of irony I've experienced in a very long time, I had ordered that Brian Eno book from some chap on Amazon and instead I received something called ‘everything there is to know about Disneyland.’ I swear I would never guess that there is even such a book. But there is. and its on my desk instead of the irreverent and brilliant musings of the most interesting minds alive today. funny. So the question is of course, what the hell do I do with this book now?

Current spin: beta band, heroes to zeroes. Only if you have to or if you know someone in the band. this really just sucks and I can’t believe that a major label paid for this to be made. and I liked their first CD a lot. just goes to show.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Well you know perhaps there is such a thing as miracles after all. not that we ever had our doubts mind you. [chuckle] the neighborhood is bustling. Spring has finally arrived. At least for today it seems. Sunny cool and breezy. Everyone walking around with the air that they are on their way to somewhere. Me I sit on the steps of the little brownstone I call home here temporarily, having an afternoon smoke and typing on the old laptop. As always. An almost constant fixture here in this neighborhood, so much so that residents on this block are so used to seeing me sitting here when they're walking in our out of their respective apartments or walking their dogs that they feel at ease enough to stop and chat, ask me what I'm writing or what cigar I happen to be smoking. New York is like that. think sesame street. Remember sesame street? Well that's what living in New York is like.

So about miracles. This morning I actually woke up before 11am on Sunday. Had enough time to sit in the bath for a while. As always I felt great; as we often do in the morning before our mind takes over with its incessant chatter of worries and concerns and fears and judgments and criticisms. I noticed these thoughts popping in and being that it was Sunday I decided that instead of running with any one particular thought that I was just going to give each one to God. turn them into prayer requests and then primaries. ‘God help me to become free of judgment of others.’ ‘God help me live the life of my dreams and fulfill my own personal legacy.’ ‘God help me to be a positive influence on others and a good role model.’ ‘ God help me to fully integrate this whole friends thing I have been struggling with and to open my heart again so I can recognize how blessed I am.’ ‘God help me to finally completely integrate my struggle with the God concept and that whole Jesus thing... help me to know you and to have a deep and meaningful connection with you...’ so on and on it went like that throughout my droopy-eyed bath.

Up and out and fast-walked to that giant church on the corner of park and 60th St. where I had first had that spiritual epiphany of an experience a few weeks back. plenty of time to get there this week. only seven minutes late. that's certainly a miracle. for me at least. I'm bored now so I'll quick note instead of prose it: overwhelming feeling of comfort and joy at this church. Been church-hopping/shopping for nine months now here. every week I force myself up at the ungodly hour of ‘sometime before 11am’ on Sundays and head to a new church hoping to find an hour of spiritual community for the week and not much more, being that I'm extremely unreligious to say the least, but still caught between worlds so that I cannot seem to shake the need to search out comfort and respite from the harsh and cruel world of the entertainment business in a church of some kind at leas tonce a week.

Cannot really explain the joy I felt there today. I even went down to the coffee hour afterwards. I swear to whatever the hell is out there that I really did this. walked around. talked with people. now of course I didn't go so far as to wear the visitor badge but I sure came close. But I walked out of there with such a feeling of joy and peace and comfort that I've spent the last hour or so sitting here feeling as though I was breathing new life into my lungs with each breath. As if there may or may not be a God still, we’ll leave that to him/her/it to settle, but at the least there is a damn good community of fine people gathering not two blocks from my apartment in this place called Christ church and I feel slightly reborn at the discovery of it. had that feeling of ‘I am home; I have found my church.’ That's the feeling that everyone gets when they are church-shopping and they finally find a place they feel that they can attend more than once or twice in a lifetime.

Last screening: Cinderella man. Great movie. Not amazing. but just good on the edge of your seat entertainment.

Current spin: al green. Green is blues. Starts off great. Can’t beat Al’s voice. Slides into extreme mediocrity towards the end.

Also, 50 cent, the massacre. A guilty pleasure.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I'm eating these jelly bellys right now. omg, these are so good. did you know they add caffeine to these to force you to just keep eating and eating them? its true. once you start, you can’t stop. They do this shit to kids, with no warning. Load candy and soda up with caffeine so they get super into it and can’t stop. It’s right there on the box. Its one thing to do that to us once we’re old and too stupid to know any better, but doing that to kids. Heinous. There is that chemical they add to most over the counter cereals (the ones you buy in “mainstream” grocery stores, not in health food stores) that creates a feeling of not being full in the person who is eating it; the chemical’s sole purpose is to offset the appestat in the human body that tells the body when it feels full so the person eating the cereal keeps eating more even though they are full, but they never feel full. Ever notice that with store bought cereals? This is true. You can look it up. its totally allowed.

What a strange society America has created itself as. kind of this anything goes as long as it makes you money kind of thing. even when we know the dangers, its as if we have this agreement that we’re just going to overlook this stuff because we know our whole society is dependent on being this way. everyone has been talking about the weather this year. how spring hasn’t really arrived yet. its either really hot one day or really cold the next day. things have been kind of effed up ever since that storm ‘el nino.’ Environmentalists will tell us how bad the eco-system is right now because of all the damage we have done to the environment in the last fifty years or so but our politicians, especially the republican side, will just keep on claiming that we have nothing to worry about and that the environmentalists and eco-scientists are just being pansies. Like everyone, I don't know who to believe, but I'll tell ya, it’s a few weeks away from summer here, and we haven't even had a spring yet. its still in the fifties and we’re all wearing our winter coats most of the week. so go figure.

But yes, fuck the environment as long as we have jelly bellys. They are godlike.

Today I spoke with Vicki D, my first major girlfriend from high school, freshman year. we used to spend hours on various beds and couches around town making out and giving each other hickis. Truly memorable times. it was very nice to reconnect to someone who was once so important to you way back when. Almost bitter-sweet. felt like yesterday. which of course it was since I'm only twenty-five now... lol, but it had this ‘bitter-sweet standing in the rain middle section of a John Hughes movie’ feeling about it... kind of a ‘what if’ feeling. Which I guess is to be expected. Good stuff.

Yesterday I had my first meeting with my new stylist coach. We’ll call him JB. A true image consultant to the stars. Worked with Beyonce and will smith and usher, etc etc. and his whole thing is getting you to really discover or create who you really are at your essence and then go all out with that, put it out there for all the world to see. So you don't dilute your image. So you don't disappear amongst all the flash and hype that is your competition. It was challenging. But I must say I liked it. who is Fishy? hhhmmm.

We did this exercise where he asked me who my rockstars were. And then I had to tell him why I liked those people. while I free-associated he jotted things down in this notebook. I mentioned Tony Robbins, oprah winfrey, David Byrne, bob Dylan, bono, Caetano, Rufus, John Lennon, Eddie izzard... and then he hands me this piece of paper and tells me its my mantra for the week. ‘look at this list often and meditate on how you are being and how you fit into these words, how they fit in with who you are. This is who you are, who you want to be...’ and it’s this list of the words I used to describe the people that I look up to as my heroes: Superhuman, artist’s artist, big hearted, change the world, achiever, breaking boundaries, revolutionary, stylish, sexy, mysterious, funny, irreverent, great voice... like that. these were just words I used to describe the people that I dig. Cool huh? Tells me, ‘this is what we’re going to be going after for you. This is you. This is who you want to be.’ Good stuff. look forward to more.

Why does everyone pronounce Bret favre “farv?” I mean why? why not just pronounce it correctly? And what about everyone pronouncing Worchester “worster?” I mean, lets face it, this shit has been going on for a long time. all of us who are reading this are too young to remember the actual starting point for these things. we just woke up one day and were confronted with the realization that everyone seemed to pronounce favre “farv” and Worchester “worster” and Houston “huseton.” We knew it didn't make any sense. Why were they doing that? We didn't know, but we didn't want to come off stupid either so we just played right along and started pronouncing everything wrong right along with everyone else. But I think there’s some danger in that.

I think from this point forward if you hear people pronouncing something incorrectly, no matter how many people do it in the world, number one, we should correct them, and number two make it a real point to pronounce it correctly. Just go for it. if someone tells you they're from huseton, tell them they're mistaken, that they're from Houston. If someone hands you something and says ‘wa-la’ to you, tell them the word begins with a ‘v.’ It’s ‘voila.’

Man these jelly bellys are fucking driving me crazy. I can’t stop eating them. I'm going to blow up.