This is a record of the times. the great city of San Francisco is opening up its pearly gates for gay marriages. People are flooding in to get married from all over America. Happening for days now. hundreds a day. its about time. I hope this is just the beginning for them here. we have a real shot of setting a good example to the rest of the world with the gay marriage issue.

Last screening: requiem for a dream. This is the most disturbing film I have ever seen. Made me feel like I was on speed the whole time. Along with happiness which is truly horrifying.... But what a great film it is nonetheless. shocking. Will stay with me for a long time.

Went to the ENT doctor today to test my hearing and check the old vocal cords. The hearing test was fun. they play all these very faint and brief tones for you to see if you can hear them. it was rather primitive from an objective perspective. But I heard every single one and the nurse just stood there speechless. The doctor relayed to me giddily that I had the hearing of a seven year old child who had never been subjected to any loud noises. He said he had not seen anyone ever come in with such perfect hearing. He was absolutely amazed because of the extreme loud music that I have been listening to over the last ten years. I can only imagine what your hearing would be like if you had not been subjecting yourself to such loud music for all these years...” he commented. I was very happy and we were high fiving.

Then we moved on to the vocal cords. He shoots this spray down your throat and then sticks this long thin fiber optic cord into your nose and then through the nose down into the throat and then past the throat in order to look at the vocal cords. It is not comfortable. I kept gagging. Then he had me sing some notes as he watched and I gagged... but to our astonishment my cords were in perfect order. No polyps, no nodes, no swelling.

“I hate to tell you this young man, but you have absolutely nothing wrong with your vocal cords. In fact for what you do they are in amazing condition. Just perfect.”
“well then how come they close up on me sometimes.”
“You probably scream too much. And you probably don't warm up like you are supposed to.”
“Well that's true.”
“Imagine a professional athlete going out to play a game without practicing all week and warming up that day, and stretching before the game. You just can’t do it. even though you want to. its not going to work. You need to warm up.”

Gave a ton of interviews today with newspapers. You repeat yourself over and over again. always trying to add something slightly fresh to everyone and trying to honor their questions as much as the previous. Everyone always asks when will we be playing their town. its such a catch 22. every major booking agency won't take you on unless you are signed to a major record label and every major record label doesn’t want to take you on unless you are touring through a major booking agent. And this is even if you have great reviews, in the press a lot, selling a lot of albums, etc. say what you will about indie but I'm sick of it. I think its hard as hell. And if being an indie artist in this deflated industry isn't bad enough, try being an indie artist on tour. no, there has to be a better way. again, I notice, everyone has their opinion. But the truth is, get a hit on the radio, or draw huge crowds to your shows, or find some other way to sell millions of albums. But that's it in a nutshell.

Last screening: Barry Lyndon, 1975 Stanley Kubrick classic. Like all of his films very slow and boring but somehow still manageably appealing. The Barry Lyndon movie was wonderful. It has stayed with me. I think perhaps the cinematography is the best I have ever seen. It did win every cinematography award it could upon its release.

Current Read: why Christianity must change or die by Bishop John Spong. And continuing with the French history.

Dear Infinito:


I’ll send you a fax with the password, go to Brickel retrieve the password by renting a computer at Kinko’s and you’ll find the encryption to the FTP, then rent a satellite phone and wait for the coordinates to go pickup the key for the locker in the airport where you’ll find an envelope with instructions on how to break into the code with your cell phone. Stand in the palmetto at 8:45 pm tonight and count the last digit of each Chevy nova’s license plate, then multiply by 8277763 and you’ll get the password. 


Sincerely,
G2
 

This business is like a roller coaster. It is constantly up and down back and forth. Wake up to a call from an attorney out in Calli who said he just didn't hear a single in the new CD and therefore cannot recommend to his clients, XXXX, to sign the band. [if this guy can’t hear singles in veronica, superhero girl, Minnie driver, or guilty, then what the hell is he doing in the business...] Get to the office to find a faxed management contract from a large company up in Indiana who swears that sleep with you is the best album they’ve heard in a year and they want to sign the band for three years. log online to find a magazine reviewing the CD and saying it was by far the worst CD of 2003. take a call from a booking agency out in AZ who says that he can’t take the CD out of his car stereo because he loves it so much, wants to book the band on a national tour. receive an email from Vida that says that such and such at xxx can’t sign the band because the lead singer is too old... but he loves the stuff and looks forward to our next CD. too much up and down... everyday. Compared to doing other things. I guess you just have to believe in it yourself and not even listen to everyone else.

Conversations

jimmorrison says:
pardon me
G2 says:
whatever
G2 says:
jimmorrison?
jimmorrison says:
si
jimmorrison says:
fishy is dead
jimmorrison says:
i have taken over his body
G2 says:
dude i got a vision
jimmorrison says:
i was tired of lying around
G2 says:
you and i are millionaires after we publish GOD IS A WOMAN
jimmorrison says:
escachame un minuto por favor
G2 says:
we have more than we can spend
G2 says:
we are wealthy
jimmorrison says:
i like the vision
G2 says:
imagine how many copies wed sell
G2 says:
dude let's do it
jimmorrison says:
ok what is your idea for god is a woman
GOD is a woman says:
Ok i hear you
GOD is a woman says:
we write a small book, like whO TOOK MY CHEESE
GOD is a woman says:
who took my cheese
GOD is a woman says:
did you read it?
GOD is a woman says:
it's a 50 page book
jimmorrison says:
no
GOD is a woman says:
but everyone would buy GOD IS A WOMAN
jimmorrison says:
but everyone already knows it
GOD is a woman says:
on why we believe she is a woman
GOD is a woman says:
evryone would think about it
GOD is a woman says:
I design the cover and proofread it
GOD is a woman says:
you write it

The ambassador is back! I can feel it all around me. there is magic in the air.

The Mel Gibson passion of Christ fiasco has me fuming. I cannot watch anything about it. it is difficult for men of truth to live on the earth in these days. it always has been. but perhaps today I would guess that it is probably easier than at any other time in our history. So lucky for us to be alive now. as zeke said a few weeks ago, ‘Christianity... it was the biggest scam perpetrated by man in the history of the world....”

When that interviewer lady asked me today why I was so vehement about the movie, I explained to her that its not like I'm anti-religion or anything. I'm certainly not against Mel Gibson. Braveheart? Hello? One of the best movies ever. I mean, I'm not some one-world-UN-no-religion type of new world order person. I love freedom of religion. I've been religious on and off throughout my life. and I'm glad that we have that opportunity. But at least with braveheart here's a guy William Wallace who set out to do something, and sacrificed his life for it and he did it. I mean he fought his whole life for the freedom of Scotland, and because of that soon after Scotland was free.

Whereas with the whole Jesus thing, here was the man who was supposed to be the messiah for his people. Israel. And he just couldn’t make it happen. he rocked the boat for a few years, ruffled a lot of feathers, so much so that after a few years, even the Jewish people who were really hoping that he was the chosen one started realizing he wasn't and so for them they had to make a choice. Either one, he starts saving them like he said he was going to and like the prophecies predicted that their messiah would. Well he couldn’t do that. or two he leave town for a while because he was literally endangering the lives of all of them with all the trouble he was causing, or three, they get rid of him. so according to the legends, they got rid of him. so even when we take the myths at face value, just follow the story as most people like to believe it to be, it really doesn’t work out too well. Because he didn't accomplish what he was prophesied to accomplish as the messiah or even as a decent revolutionary.

[now contrast that with Mohamed for a moment, the prophet of the Muslim religion. He on the other hand not only accomplished what he set out to—to unite and free his people, he accomplished much more. by the time they were done most of the middle east, Asia and half of Europe was under their control. He not only freed his people, this God of Allah that they obsessed on, he gave them half the fucking civilized world. The king of the Jews on the other hand gave the Jews nothing. Just more pain and anxiety. They weren't freed. I wish people were brave enough and honest enough to face facts. He just never pulled it off. That's why the Jewish people never embraced him as the messiah and that's why they are still waiting for the messiah to come to earth...] 

But that's if you want to take the stories at face value...so that’s not even the worst part of the whole mess. The worst part is that a lot of the stories that are associated with modern day Christianity are just that, stories. And for the last twenty years or so more and more historians and even Christian theologians and priests are coming out and talking about it. Writing books about it. the catholic priest Matthew fox was a great revolutionary author who did his best to try to dispel some of the roman empire’s crazy Jesus myths so we could really get to the heart of the real story. Another man, the Bishop John Spong out of New Jersey has written some excellent books about it. now I am reading his “why Christianity must change or die.” An amazing book. Very brave. And there have been hundreds of books coming out now from historians explaining the facts as they more realistically probably transpired rather than the fairy tales that we are used to hearing in Sunday school and like Mel Gibson is perpetrating in his newest bloodbath.

Its not that I am against another Jesus movie. Its just that I don't like this fake controversy over something that isn't controversial. Mel Gibson is trying to create controversy to sell movie tickets. The real controversy is why has he made another story of Jesus filled with the same lies and half truths that we have had to endure since the roman empire first stole Jesus from the Jews and slowly started to twist the facts for their own devices. I wish someone would have enough balls to come out with a more realistic Jesus movie. Telling like it is as we now know it and understand it. Now that would be fucking controversial. 

Things Just Happen - What I've Learned

I can write. That is one thing I can do. God its been a long time. I have learned a lot. I can write about what I have learned. I have thought about it now for a few days. What have I learned? I have learned that things happen. Things just happen. 

One minute Bas and I had cars. This morning his car breaks down. It gets towed to a shop. He has no car. Two hours later, my car gets towed for 12 unpaid parking tickets. Wow. That is unbelievable. “12 unpaid parking tickets? Are you serious?” “Yes. We have a court order to tow your vehicle. You will have to pay these tickets.” “Wow. What a drag. I'd love to say thanks, but you just totally ruined my day.” “Sorry guy...” You wake up one day and all of a sudden both of us don't have cars. Just bam! Out of the blue like that. Things do happen. People lose their parents or their children. Just bam out of the blue. People wake up one day and they have cancer or heart disease. Or they get fired. Or they find out that their husband or their wife is cheating on them. People wake up one day and find out their child has been shot at school. This happened three times in one week to three different children at three different schools here in Florida. And this was last week alone. And then there's that girl they found dead in Sarasota. Things like this happen. You wake up one day and you discover that your daughter has been raped kidnapped and murdered. All in one day. How do you deal with that? Bill Cosby lost his son to some random sniper on the highway in LA. Arnold Schwarzenegger became a governor of one of our states. A female surfer got attacked by a shark who bit off her arm. Things happen. That man who was saving his wife in a freezer for years after she died, hoping he could find a way to bring her back to life. This is life. it is crazy. it is only our deep seated need to make it not crazy in our brains that makes us believe, somehow, that it is not crazy. but it is. it is all around us. all the time. But good things happen too. People win the lottery. People get raises. They get promotions. People win Grammy awards. They win Primaries. They get married. People have babies. Things are happening all around us. All the time. This is something I have learned.

What else have I learned? It has been some time since I have been in the world of the common man. Many many years. Many years since I had even thought about it. or heard about it. But I am glad that I am having a chance to experience it again. I am learning a lot. Today I got to see a bit of it. First we had to go to the bank to get cash. And then to the courthouse to pay all these tickets. And then to this tow place to get the car. I got to see the world of the common man for a few hours. For the last few months I have been seeing it more and more, even since the change. Ever since I decided to.... I have been forced to live, not entirely, but close to the edge of the world of the common man. And I will report from the front lines that it is not pretty. It is not glamorous. It is not beautiful. it is not artistic. It does not love. There is very little beauty in the world of the common man. There is very little luxury. There is very little freedom. There is very little kindness to one another. It is fun. But it is all about survival. And when it is all about survival, not much else matters. This is something I have learned.

Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by Justine Rivera (xxxxx@aol.com) on Tuesday, February 17, 2004 at 20:10:34
--------
Hi Transcendence,

We don't know each other, but I am big fan of yours. I have all of your CDs. My favorite is your New York CD. Maybe because I live in New York. But I also like your new CD sleep with you. I am sorry the critics are being so hard on you guys. They are idiots and me and my friends think it’s awesome. Beautiful one is my favorite song. I am glad you got the transcendence diaries back on your website. I used to read them everyday. I want to ask Fishy why you are writing the Blue Mask? I think it is very disturbing. It does not seem like something you would write. Any chance you will stop writing it? Or maybe you can move it away from the transcendence diaries so we don't have to read it if we don't want to but still read your diaries? Just a suggestion. Of course you can do whatever you want to. Keep up the great work! When will the band come to play in NYC? We can’t wait to see you live. Let us know!
Hugs and kisses
Justine

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know why I am writing the Blue Mask. But I know I have to. I am certainly not trying to disturb anyone. But I find it as disturbing as much as anyone probably. More so I would imagine. But it is something that is inside of me. Never before have I ever felt so much like a fish out of water, forgive the pun. Me, I'm like that frog that is swimming around in the warm water that is slowly heating up, subtly aware that something just isn't right, but not doing anything about it. I'm not jumping out of the water. Soon it will begin to boil. And I am still here. Swimming around in the hot water now. Waiting. Waiting for anything. I looked at these pictures tonight from the original Transcendence line up. Back when Fishy was the ambassador. But I am not the ambassador now. I am not the Blue Mask. I am certainly not Tobias Guess. I'm not even Fishy. I am a man without a home, who lives in this big house. But home is not where you live. Home is inside of us. And inside of me there is no home right now. There is just an aching and a sadness and a longing. For what I don't know.

There’s this: I have noticed that we grew up in such a manufactured world that when you do realize that something actually comes from nature as opposed to being man-made it can sort of shock you for a minute. I looked at this bottle of cinnamon earlier today and I thought, ‘I like cinnamon. I wonder how they make it...’ and then it occurred to me that they don't really make it, but that it comes from nature that way... wow, things still come from nature? I started trying to remember where cinnamon actually comes from... is it like a tree or something? That’s city life for you. You just don't even think about things like that. Imagine eating something that comes from a tree? As opposed to coming from some factory or plant or laboratory somewhere. There were days long gone when everything we consumed came from nature. And now, in the cities at least, it seems like everything we consume is more man-made...

“Hey Om, what's up? Sorry I couldn’t take your call. I was on the other line...”
“No worries love. How are you?”
“Uhhmm... I'm hanging in there.” laughs. “That’s about it...”
“Laughs....” “Its o.k. you can be negative. Let it out.”
“Well you know its just one of those days.... just wondering what the use in all this is... how much more worthless can life get.... that type of day. the good stuff.”
“Don't worry. It’ll pass.”
“It will? Well I'm waiting... I'm fucking waiting... but its still here...”
“I'm just getting out. I was in it for the last five weeks...”
”Five weeks?! Say it isn't so! No. I can’t even take a fucking day of it. You’re talking five weeks?! Uh uh. No way.”
”Sure. I'm just getting out of it...”
”Fuckin a. Maybe chicks are just better at that than guys. I'm freaking out all day today.”
“God Fishy you are so funny. What's wrong?”
“I don't know. I'm just thinking about all the friends we have that we don't have anymore.... you know?”
“Oh that one... Yeah I know love.”
“You know that one? God I hate it... I hate how we are friends with people at one time in our life and then we look back and realize that we aren't really friends with them anymore... God I fucking hate that.”
“Yes I know that one. Well we’re still friends.”
“I know. but that never helps does it... I mean, when we’re thinking of all the friends we don't have anymore, we just focus on them and we don't think about all the friends we still have or all the new ones. God I hate that. I really think I have issues with the whole friends thing...”
“You are funny...”
“Well I'm glad you are getting something out of my pain. its good to know that its good for something... I thought for a moment that it was just a waste... all this pain should be used for something...”
“You should go home and write a song.... its always good for that.”
“I know. But God how many fucking songs can I write about being in pain? I think I've pretty much beaten that subject to a dead and bloody pulp. Can you say that? what the hell is a dead and bloody pulp anyway?”
“you just need to write a little. Get a good song out of it. tomorrow you’ll...”
“I know. That's what's so fucked up about it. tomorrow I'll wake up and wonder what all the fuss is about.... that's the way it is always is... except with you of course who just stays in it for five fucking weeks! I couldn’t imagine.”
“Welcome to my world...”
“The agony and desperation of not having anything wrong in your life.... it can be a terribly painful thing... laughs...”

What I've Learned

In the studio all day today working on the mixes. I am bored with this album now. I am ready to move on. I have two more that I would like to complete this year. One is modern and heavy and the other a return back to a more world-music style. How we will do this I do not know, but we will make it happen.

So what else old man?
I have learned that the older we get the less afraid of things we are. Before you know it, you reach a certain age and you can’t find anything at all that you are afraid of, which can be quite disheartening. At present the only things I can still find fear of within me are being sent to prison and raped—one can only imagine the terror in that, or being stranded out at sea and being slowly nibbled to death by a band of hungry great whites while you choke and drown, a pleasant thought indeed I know. I used to be very afraid of crashing in an airplane. But I cannot seem to find that fear in me anymore. I would assume that the actual plunging to our death wouldn’t last that long and if one tried perhaps they could fool themselves into thinking they were on a ride at Disney world or something.

As a man I used to be afraid sometimes of getting beat up by bigger men (I don't think this is a fear that women usually walk around with). You study fighting and martial arts for a few years and you don't walk around with that fear anymore. I used to be afraid of my house getting broken into by a bunch of crack heads, so I bought guns and studied tactical training. Now if you hear a noise in your house while you are sleeping, you don't waddle out of bed with a baseball bat, you jump out eagerly with a .357 and pray for the souls of the men who are in there.

Its true, if you're lucky I guess, the older you get the less fear you have. And in a certain respect that means the crazier you become. Crazy people are those without fear. Like those zombie villains in video games.

Because I don't want to be crazy I am trying desperately to create some more fears in my life. I did think of some last night. Being locked in a trunk of a car would suck and someone locking you in a clothes dryer and turning it on. That would certainly be at least a little frightening. If you have children obviously I can think of nothing more frightening than something horrible happening to them. Losing your parents is something that if I focus on I can become quite afraid of. Losing a limb or becoming paralyzed is something that is easy to become afraid of if you think about it for even a few seconds.

[on a side note we’ve noticed that through the advent of technology we are gaining a lot more access to others around us who these tragedies have befallen and through getting to know them on a more personal level it increases the general understanding of these conditions and hopefully lightens the stigma and pain of it for everyone. I remember I used to be kind of freaked out by handicapped people when I was younger, but then Madelynne started working with them and bringing them around the house all the time so I got used to it. People like Christopher Reeve as horrible as it is... its doing something... its opening us all up... I can see it from the future as being something that was very important for us all...

I have learned that pornography is like anything else. it can be really gross and nasty and lower-mode. Or it can be cool and valuable. Just depends on how its done.

I have learned that just because we think of something doesn’t mean its going to happen or that its true. Our mind is like a movie theatre that we get 24 hour a day free access to, which is great. Sometimes enlightening, sometimes frightening, always entertaining. But we have to remember that after all, its just a movie; its not real.

What I've Learned...

“Present moment awareness is allowing the flow of attention, the flow of consciousness, the flow of universal intelligence, the flow of nature, to move spontaneously and effortlessly through our physiologies.” [I believe that Deepak said that]

So where were we? Yes.

I have learned that we have a capacity for putting up with things that are not optimal, or even healthy. But we do it anyway. It's something that I've heard spoken about by a lot of people. Our capacity for grinning and bearing it so to speak, rather than just moving on, or creating change. I look back now on certain situations in my life. and I see it. places where i was that didn't feel so good but I stayed in them anyway. we get kind of frozen there... I would hope that as we get older we get better at recognizing these circumstances and better at jumping out and into something better.

I have learned that the two party system in America is a scam, perpetrated by intelligent people to get not so intelligent people to make choices that they don't want to and shouldn’t have to make in a civilized society; much like if someone was to ask you at the drive through at McDonalds what you would like as a side order. French fries or nothing. Take your pick. There really isn't two parties per se; there are many; and there shouldn’t be ideologically speaking any parties at all. Again its like the French fries at McDonalds. They can ask you what you want on the side, but you don't really have a choice. They only have French fries. And everyone knows it. so everyone just orders fries and doesn’t think about it. But lets face it; French fries fucking suck as a food. They're greasy, they're almost tasteless except for the pound of salt that they pour all over them, they have no nutritive value, they make you fat and ugly if you eat them, and by this time they are fucking boring as hell. But people shove them down their throats anyway because they don't think they have any choice in it.

What Else? Pt. II

What else?
Never waste a night tossing and turning. Take a walk or take a valium. But a poor night’s sleep is too dreadful to suffer through.

What else...
We age. It's true. I never used to believe it. but I do now. we don't notice it. but other people do. the older we get, the faster time seems to pass. Remember when we were young and the summer would just crawl by? It took forever till Christmas arrived again. and now.... forget about it. you know what? We get old. Its really true. and time just starts flying by... I just never thought it would happen to me. But I'm watching it happen to me and all of my friends. It’s a fucking tragedy and a curse.

Just because you're generous with others doesn’t mean that others are going to be generous with you. back in my first year of college, white bear sat me down one day. I was 17, and he was about 22. there were four of us sharing an apartment. “Listen Fishy I have to talk to you man. You're really generous with everyone. You are more than generous. And that's great. But that doesn’t mean that other people are going to be generous like you...” “what are you talking about dude?” “O.k. Fishy, its like this. I know this is your first year and all, but you can’t think that because you don’t care who eats your food, that you can just go in everyone’s cabinet when you get home at night and eat all their food. Everyone's freaking out. this isn't like you're living at your parents house anymore, you know what I mean?” I'll never forget that conversation. White bear was a great older brother to me for years. that always just stuck with me. I couldn’t imagine all of us just not sharing all of our food. But a lot of guys weren't into that.... their cereal was their cereal... like that... it was crazy for me getting used to that concept. Because I was so generous. Threw me into a funk for a few days. trying to figure out how I should start being.... should I stop being so generous with people or what? Getting used to playing in the sandbox with other kids...

Something else. just because you are sane doesn’t mean that everyone else out there is sane. I have a tough time with this one sometimes. You forget. And then you're talking with someone and you start realizing that they're just totally fucking crazy... that can get scary sometimes. And in the same respect just because you think that you are sane doesn’t mean that you are. I've been getting a sneaking suspicion for years now that I'm just totally fucking nuts and just don't know it yet...

Don't be afraid to borrow money. the sooner you start borrowing money, the sooner you're on your way to having real money. People wait so long to borrow. Because they just don't know. and then by the time they do know they're in the same position as pretty much everyone else at that age. The key is in borrowing early and borrowing a lot. borrow, pay back, borrow, pay back, borrow, pay back. the key to wealth. I've learned this over the years.

What Else? Pt. I

G2 says:
Dude are you there
il ambasciatore says:
yes
G2 says:
Listen to this
il ambasciatore says:
What?
G2 says:
Holy shit
il ambasciatore says:
What???!!!
il ambasciatore says:
talk to me dog
G2 says:
We received an email today
il ambasciatore says:
yeah
G2 says:
From this lady out in California
G2 says:
Do you know this email address jxxxxxx@yahoo.com?
il ambasciatore says:
I don't know
il ambasciatore says:
not off the top of my head. Why what does it say?
G2 says:
She says to forward this to you. Says she works for the CIA
il ambasciatore says:
I thought they were in Virginia or something
G2 says:
She says they already have Osama Bin Laden
il ambasciatore says:
Really? Who is she?
G2 says:
     I don't know. I thought you knew her. I looked up her address and couldn’t find a name.
il ambasciatore says:
     Interesting. Email her back and tell her we said thank you
G2 says:
     I did dog. She says they caught him and they are keeping him captive until later on in the presidential race. I will forward you the email.
il ambasciatore says:
      o.k. please do. If that's true they are a wise bunch of evil-doers.
G2 says:
Can you imagine if they already have him? bastards. We will have no chance. You will have to move.
il ambasciatore says:
Yes. I will move to France, like all patriotic Americans should do at this time. forward me the email. I'll check it out.
G2 says:
That would clinch re-election for the Dark Forces.
il ambasciatore says:
      maybe, maybe not. We’ll see. I don't think people are that stupid. I think everyone has had enough. We’ll just have to wait and see. But wouldn’t that be something... hanging onto him all this time just to try to get re-elected... the final straw that breaks our backs
G2 says:
O.k. I sent it. Read it.
il ambasciatore says:
thanks. later
G2 says:
     O.k., let me know what you think.
il ambasciatore says:
     I will.

on with our story...

What has it been? Three days? Four or five days? I am not sure. But it is working. The writing is working. The reading worked somehow. Something is working. Its all coming together. i guess what it was was that I wasn't happy being in the void. I was in resistance to it. but after speaking with the medium I understood that it was o.k. to be in the void. I came out of resistance to it at some point in the last two or three days. just popped out. I am starting to see the infinite possibilities again. And more. I am starting to feel the magic again. for the first time in many years. I am starting to feel that spark of divinity inside again.

Tonight we went to Zekes house to work on the mixes for the nothing is cohesive album. doing things a little different on this album. a lot of sounds and noise. I get excited at one point at this one passage that is just lots of continuous feedback for many minutes. Sounded incredible, like a dream. Zeke thinks it sounds more like a nightmare. I'm jumping up and down. ‘oh man we are Grammy bound baby’ I'm shouting, joking.... zeke looks at me ‘hey just remember how you have felt from all those bad reviews of sleep with you because it looks like you better get ready for another round of them if you are really going to put this out like this. prepare for more sleepless nights in the fetal position, referring to all the heat we have taken for swy the last two months. [one recent review said that swy was by far the worst album of 2003. of the whole year. just thought it was awful. He took his whole first paragraph to quote almost all the lyrics to the title song sleep with you to use them as an example of how blatantly crass and crude and sophomoric etc that he thought it was... so he just didn't get it. not in touch with the fact that he has felt that way, we've all felt that way before. all the time. But I just said it, that's all. I just wrote it down and sang it. I was expressing something very real. Real thoughts that we have all had. in a very blunt and open manner. You know, we do have crude and crass and sophomoric thoughts like that sometimes. At least I do. That’s just the way it is. It’s animal consciousness. And that's all I was trying to do, explore that aspect of us. But we also have very sublime and brilliant and eloquent thoughts as well. I think we are big enough to carry both within us.]

So the new new album sounds great. We’re going out on a limb a little in a number of different ways with it musically. Lyrically it is pretty tame this time, thank God. But musically.... we’ll just have to see what happens...

Came home late and popped in the ram Dass biography DVD Fierce Grace. And I just feel so alive from it. He was my first guru. He's one of the only people I have ever read/heard that really KNEW. His BE HERE NOW is a bible for so many. Just brilliant. and here he is. great film. He means so much to me. Yes. The magic is returning. Something about doing all the writing the last few days. release. Relief. its been amazing. lightening up. feeling happy and hopeful. Something is changing as he indicated it would in his reading. It is a transformation. And its o.k. perhaps, as he had said, the old me is dying. And now all of a sudden I am alright with it. will I still sing? I don't know. will I go away and just travel and write forever? will we still tour? will we still make and sell albums? I don't know. will I go to France? Will I move to New York? Will I go to India for a while as was predicted? I certainly hope I take that African safari. I just have no idea. None of it. And I don't care now. I am just taking it day by day now. Whereas before I was just freaking out. He said it was going to be o.k. and as silly as that sounds, it was enough. Just to hear that. It was enough for me.

Check it from our friends at nightline. For a second there I thought I was just crazy. Thought maybe I was just being the boy crying Wolf. Turns out I was just a few months ahead of the storm...

TONIGHT'S FOCUS: This country has long been wrestling with the issue of American jobs leaving for other countries. Lower wages, fewer benefits, worse working conditions... most of which make moving jobs overseas attractive to companies. But a whole new job sector has been moving to India, and it's already becoming a campaign issue.

Tonight we're not going to be talking as much about manufacturing jobs. We all know about clothing being made overseas, often in sweatshops. Much of the steel industry and other manufacturing has moved away as well. This has been going on for decades. But we were supposed to find comfort in the jobs that stayed, in the job sectors that we were supposed to excel in, and dominate: service, and high tech.

Well, as correspondent Mark Litke will show you tonight, if you call a major company like Dell or Delta or American Express, or if you need your X-rays read overnight, or if you need your taxes done... all of that may connect you to India. The person on the phone may be in Delhi, not Dallas. Advances in technology have obviously made all of this possible, but so has a booming economy in India and a huge growth of a highly-educated and aggressive middle class. Now there is an economic argument in favor of this trend. If it can be done cheaper somewhere else, why shouldn't a company do just that? And will that create new jobs here? But remember this is a political season, and jobs, and the poor job-creation performance of the U.S. economy, is going to be one of the major issues. One of the President's economic advisors is in trouble now, from both Democrats and Republicans, for saying, out loud, that outsourcing jobs is not necessarily a bad thing, and that the President believes that too. Needless to say, a lot of people are unhappy.
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What I've Learned Continued...

In other news, something is happening right under our eyes. a little battle is starting to rage between the light and dark side of the American consciousness. The dark forces known as ‘the Bush Administration’ have most of the free world in the grips of an almost paralyzing fear of what they might do next. They sit and watch and silently pray for a miracle, that somehow, anyhow, the dark forces that are holding America captive will be defeated. The civilized countries around the world voice their concern politely, with levity and lightheartedness, but with fear in their eyes and in their hearts; they are afraid to do anything or say anything, as we all are, because as everyone knows, the dark forces that control this administration, now have control of all of America’s weapons of mass destruction, all of America’s money, and they have shown over the last three years very quickly and resolutely,  that they will break every law, every treaty, every agreement, and every basic human understanding that we have come to over the last fifty years. all of the world’s hard work and effort and millions of lives lost in order to create a better more peaceful world are being tossed aside like yesterdays news by these new age terrorists. It is a new kind of terrorism that the world is witnessing now. Right here in America. 

Last night on the Grammy's, in his acceptance speech, Chris martin of coldplay made a simple comment about looking forward to our new president Kerry. Sting snickered. It is ‘that thing’ that is on the tip of every thinking person’s tongue these days. People aren't holding back anymore. Its like a little war is being fought. On the streets and in the press. And out of the blue comes this quiet soldier. A more valiant candidate for president I don't think we have had in decades. A war hero AND an anti-war protestor all in one? Is it just a dream? Could it be real? If it is true, I mean, if he is real, then he would be the epitome of the evolved American mind. The best that America has to offer itself and the rest of the world. Someone who gladly served to defend their country, who started out on one end, and came out on the other, on the side of the light. There could be no better example of why America is such a great country as this if he is for real. 

Here's a bit from CNN:

What I've Learned

The old man said write about what I've learned. How I got here. It has been an exercise that has benefited me more than I could have imagined at the time. So what else? There is so much.

Something small. I've noticed that people forget. One minute someone’s a star and then all of a sudden they're a nobody. Have you noticed? Yesterdays Prince is today's Beyonce. How does this happen? You know how you're hanging with someone and they say ‘hey whatever happened to so and so?’ and you're like, ‘uh nothing. They just released their best album ever last month...’ and the person you are talking to just has no idea...

I think this is something else. I think it has something to do with the majority of people and their unwillingness, or inability, to really dig deep for stuff. Unless things are kind of thrown at them, they don't really know about it. I think this can help explain the phenomenon of how bills and laws that can affect our society very negatively still get passed all the time. People just don't know it’s happening. And the people in control know this. it is what enables them to commit great injustices against us without our ever knowing it.

I think this might also help explain how the cream doesn’t really rise to the top. Maybe it never did. maybe it was just an old aphorism that we always wanted to be true but never really found to be true. the cream stays down towards the bottom, hidden from view a lot of the time. not all the time. but a lot of the time. it is the nature of sharing this world with others. 

This is a record of our times. Massachusetts is voting on whether or not to legalize gay marriage. Personally I don't see what all the fuss is about. Marriage is marriage. Doesn’t matter if it’s a man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman. People fall in love and they want to get married. Why the hell not let them?

This ties in to something else I have learned. There always seem to be people among us who will put religion above the happiness of others. They will argue vehemently for their cause. And they will quote from their various religious texts as if it was the word of God. And to them, and this is the clincher, it is the word of God. Their God. We need to be compassionate to these people still. There is nothing inherently wrong with someone maintaining a healthy belief in a God if they so choose to. But we cannot let them in their quest to uphold the values proposed in their holy books stop others around us from being happy. There is nothing more holy than other people’s happiness. Many religious people seem somehow not to understand this yet. They will use quotations from their religious texts to keep women down, or to disallow gay people equal rights in marriage, and so much more. They are doing it right now. all over the earth. I have learned that when a person starts quoting from a religious text to prevent another person’s right to justice or equality or happiness, start running. There is an old saying that goes ‘only a fool argues with a fool.’ Simply put, it isn't worth it. They will catch up one day. Or they will die off. In the meantime, those of us who are more evolved, who understand that the happiness of everyone around is the cause of all causes, need to do our best to uphold this truth. Not just in our words, but in practice.

Enough said. On with our story...

Dearest Little Bird...

Dearest little bird...

So this is good news then...

Sometimes its important to wait for the time and space to be right for people....

It can really make a difference in how the whole conversation goes...

Obviously this is a subject that is difficult for him. It would be for any man... lets face it.

They lose their wife, their caretaker, their cook, their kids, and their house... AND they have to keep paying for all that stuff even though they aren't getting it anymore.

The men get screwed... as it stands now.... no wonder I have avoided marriage like the plague...

O.k. now that I have gotten that out of my system...

With all that said, you guys still need to do what you need to do. you need to talk. You can’t just stay in a relationship forever that isn't giving you anything.... right?

But remember, once you go there, a lot of times you don't ever come back. I mean, that's it. he starts seeing someone else, you start seeing someone else, you all of a sudden start seeing your differences and before you know it, its really over....

So I think you guys really need to talk. And he needs to realize that you are serious. That the time is now to talk to you and open up to you or that you are going to start to take action....

Let me share with you.... when Naomi decided she wanted us to separate, I floundered forever.... then she would flounder, back and forth.... it was very painful. And sad. We tried to pretend that everything was o.k., still shared together and went out together and all that. but it was ...

When you're younger the woman has all the advantage. The man loses everything and has to pay for everything still for the woman, and then he's out there single again... searching, on the loose...

The woman just needs to go to Starbucks once a day and she’ll have twenty guys asking her out...

The irony of course is when we get older, the tables turn. All of a sudden the woman isn't getting asked out so much anymore, but the guy if he took care of himself and has some of the more obvious accoutrements of wealth, is getting it from all over the place... crazy....

Only you know what to do about all this... 

How many times have you told me that you want to get that spark back with him.... how many times.... I think back on it....

But honestly, if a man doesn’t have it, its pretty hard for him to get it back...

So the medium said to write. The medium said not to worry and to write. I am still worried. But I will write. What else have I learned? Memories flood in. The lessons peek their heads around the corner when I'm not looking. Here's one. Things usually turn out the way you think they will. Yeah I know. Except when they don't. That’s the other thing I have learned. Sometimes they don't. but a lot of times they just do. Just heard from Metal Guru. Turns out that this guy that we all used to be best friends with back in high school who always acted really gay is now gay and living in NYC as a gay activist. Could have called it fifteen years ago. Knew it since we were kids. Saw it coming from a mile away. With hindsight now, looking back, pretty much every kid that acted gay way back in junior high or high school turned out gay once we became adults. So much for the religious right’s assertion that it isn't genetic but rather a matter of choice. I have a sneaky feeling I know who the next victim of the Blue Mask is going to be. But I won't say. Not now...

So what else? Yes this. This is very important. When someone lies to you or deceives you in any way, even if you don't catch them, but just have the suspicion of it, follow your gut and get them the hell out of your life. don't turn your back to it. no matter what excuse you might give for hanging onto them, don't. it doesn’t matter if they are a friend, or a vital employee, or whatever else you tell yourself to rationalize keeping them in your life, don't. just get rid of them. there is no need to explain it to them. if you were right, they will know, and you will then know instantly that you were right. never settle for it. never. Turn your back on them and walk away. it is the only way we will have a chance at upping the consciousness level on earth. People like this will only change when those of us who are not like this refuse to accept it.

Something else. Never settle for less than what you want. Just because something is o.k. doesn’t make it good. And just because something is good doesn’t make it optimal. I always use to tell Little Ash this back in the day. never settle for less than what you totally totally want. People tell you that you can’t always get what you want, and as much as I love this song, its just bullshit. Most of the time you can get what you want. Not all the time. But most of the time. But one you gotta know what that is. and two you gotta go after it. and three, you have to realize and accept that its alright for you to have it.

Something else. Reach out when you have to. a lot of times when things are fucked people won't reach out. we tend to start to retreat into our own shells, thinking other people are going to judge us or think we’re weird or whatever. but sometimes just reaching out to someone, anyone, can be all you need. the same goes for when you are looking for something. I remember reading this book by Harvey McKay when I was still a teenager. Something about managing your network. He was one of those business gurus who wrote a few books back in the early nineties. This book talked all about building your network of all the people you had ever met in your life and how helpful that could be not just to you but to everyone in your network. As the years passed I saw countless times that he was right. Often times what you are looking for is right under your nose. You just have to call a friend who can call a friend who will call a friend. Its that whole six degrees of separation thing. but remember that theory came about before the Internet revolution. I heard recently that now its more like three degrees of separation between us all.  

Something else. You cannot go back. Sometimes we want to. The temptation is always there. But it never works. I have tried it a few times. Different things. Never works out. I don't think life is meant to be lived backwards. Always moving forward. I think that's just the way its so supposed to be.

“Hello sir.”
“Hello”
“How would like to begin?”
“I’d like to know what the hell is happening to me right now?”
“I hear an echo. Might I ask where you are now?”
“I am in the bathtub...”
“You are in the bathtub on the phone?”
“Yes. oh how wonderful. Water is a great conduit of energy. You are a true artist. that's good.”
“So what the hell is going on? What is this that I am experiencing?”
“You are in the void right now sir. You will be here until June or July.”
“O.k. great. I know this. But what does this mean, in the void? And could you please stop calling me sir?”
“Very well. Unfortunately spirit says there is not much you can do about where you are now. You are in a period of great transition. Are you changing careers at this time? Spirit indicates there is a change of careers at this time.”
“I don't know what is happening. Feels like nothing. That's why I am speaking with you.”
”So you are changing careers?”
“I am.... I don't know. I am aimless. I left a lot of things last summer. and now I am wandering... not literally, but in my mind and in my heart. It feels like I am searching.”
“We are always searching young man...”
“Perhaps. But for the last eight years I have been flying. Just kicking ass, and then all of a sudden, sometime last year, all that changed. Its like everything just seemed to come to halt. And now, I am not sure of the direction I am headed in...”
“I can see that. a question. Your mother’s mother is passed on yes?”
“Yes. many years ago. have you spoken to her?”
”Yes. She is looking out for you. She has a message for you.”
“What is it? She was my angel. I loved her madly. She was always the one who was in charge of everything in our family. The sane one.”
“She is still very much in charge. Even from the other side.”
”So what did she tell you?”
“She told me to tell you to get over yourself. Get out of your own way.”
”Oh she said that? well... that sounds like her alright. what the hell does that mean?”
“You will know in time what this means? Why do you not trust now?”
”I don't know what to trust now. it all seems so random. Everything is up in the air.”
”And why can you not be o.k. with that?”
“How the hell am I supposed to be? I’m a thirty year old man. This is not o.k. for me to be wandering around not knowing what the hell is going on with my life...”
“Oh my! You are just a pup. Do you know that Mick jagger is 61 years old. Elton John is 60 now. Both of them are also my clients you know. And you. You are only beginning to see what you can do. you have not even seen your true potential yet.. that is coming.”
“Mick jagger and Elton John are rich as hell and by the time they were my age they had already achieved their goals. That is totally not fair to use them as an example. They’ve got nothing to do with me...”
“You need to trust what you are going through. You need to trust spirit. Do you know that you are not going to be a bagman? Spirit has told me to tell you this...”
“What is a bagman?
“Like a bag lady. You are not going to be on the street. As you are afraid of.”
“You can see that I am afraid of that?”
“Spirit can. And it is not a concern for you. it shouldn’t be.”
“Well that's good. well I sure as hell would like to know what’s going on then...”
“Spirit says you need to write. Are you a writer too?”
”No. I don't think so. You know I'm a singer. But I write a lot anyway. it is a therapy.”
”One doesn’t know what one is sometimes. You need to be writing now. through all of this you need to be writing. It will be helpful to you and to others.”
”Well good. I'm glad there is something I can do. That I can do.”
“You are a light bearer young man. Why do you not understand this? Do you know what this means?”
“I have heard it before. Many times before. I used to believe it, but lately... If I'm such a light bearer, then why do I feel so lost? I'm not bearing any light lately.”
”And you won't. not now. You are in the void now. Until June or July, you will then come out of this phase... you are transitioning.”
“There just isn't any magic now. I used to live this bright eyed life filled with joy and magic. Now I feel as if I am outside of my life looking in. No magic. What can I do to help this thing move along a bit?”
”Nothing now. You need to let go of that. That is the ego. Just let go. and witness. You need to let go of the mental chatter of the ego and trust this process...”
“I am mad at God. This process is boring and stupid.”
“It is o.k. to be mad at God. Do you know that? God understands. He has a wonderful sense of humor.”
“So you believe in that? In God?”
“Of course. In spirit.” 
“Well I don't. Not now.
“You don't even mean that.”
“O.k. fine, maybe I don't. But I'm still mad. What am I supposed to write about?”
“It doesn’t matter. Just write. Write about where you are. Where you’ve been. Write about how you got here. How you feel now. What you’ve learned over the years....”
“I could write about what I've learned... I could do that. I have learned a lot.”
“That will be very good for you. You will need to keep your energy levels high in the coming months. There will be many demands on you. Everything will come at once. And it will be hard for you to say no to anything. There will be much demand on your time. you will be traveling from city to city...”
“Well it doesn’t take a spirit medium to tell me that. But how do I get there?”
“You are a feisty young man...”
“I am a frustrated old man...”
“You are not old. You are just beginning. You will be around a long time. Do you know that? I see 87 years...”
“Oh now that's funny. You are telling me I am going to be around for another sixty years? that's crazy. who wants that? for God sakes. Say it isn't so... why do I feel like I am dying then?”
“You are dying now. That is why you are in the void. That is what the void is. you are going through a death phase of the old you. you need to let it go.”
“Yeah. O.k. I can feel that. So what can I do? I am bored with this death thing. I need some action.”
“There isn't much you can do.”
”Should I travel?”
“You may do whatever you want to. Just as long as it is for no more than four months.”
“Good. then I will travel. I hate it here. I will travel and I will write.”
“You have two houses? Where do you live?”
“I live in Miami. I only have one house.”
“You will have two or more houses. This year. You don't live in new York?”
“I want to. But my band is here... “
“I see you in new York. You will live in New York. Do you see that? I also see you out west. Will you be living in California or out west? Why do I see this?”
“You’re asking me? I don t know... you're the psychic.”
“You will be living out west also. You will have lot of money.”
“Well good. I need lots of money. Anywhere but here. Too many memories... its not for me anymore.”
“You can shift that. It does not matter where you live. you can choose to change the vibrations of your home. You can choose not to associate with those memories any longer. Do you know how to do this?”
“Yes I do.”
“I know you do. You know all of this. Why did you seek counsel from Spirit? This is what you already know.”
“Well sometimes knowing things is different from knowing things. You know? I need direction.”
“Your direction is right in front of you. You need to allow yourself to open up to the new you. you are growing tired of who you are being and who you have been.”
“Yes. o.k., fine. I hate all that new age stuff. Who am I now?”
“Only you know this. I believe that you know. You will need to trust this now. As your grandmother said, get out of your own way.”
“What a goddess huh?”
“She is a lovely woman.”
“Yeah I liked her a lot.”

Hey Fishy, 

Why don't we do a little location scout sometime this week for your next talk show? I know of many different possibilities. We also need to get together this week to shoot you for the next music video. Call me. All we need is your room, television, VCR, A video or DVD copy of The Battleship Potemkin (Sergei Eisenstein) and the topless Chick.
Call me!

O.k. great, from the looks of it, sounds like we’re making some pretty freaky music video....
__________________________________________________________________________

Things have changed. I knew they would. But I didn't know it would happen this quickly. How long have I been underground? Days perhaps. I am hungry for more. My blood is beginning to boil. I have been reading the local papers. As it turns out my instincts were dead on with Paul. He told the story. He gave the message. Exactly as it happened. No more and no less. I knew he would. The press is having a field day with the story. It is only a matter of time before more join in. This is not just about me. in fact, this has very little to do with me. if anything I am the spark of it and nothing more. I understand this now. let the smoke from the fires of vengeance fill the air. The stench of the dead sonsofbitches who have ruled and trampled the rest of us for millennia will smell sweet to those of us who have been living in the shadows of their greed and malevolence for as long as we can remember. These are different times. Death and violence do not frighten as they once did. People welcome it into their homes with open arms. They pay their hard earned money to witness it every night on their wide screen TVs. They flock to it by the millions at their local movie theaters. Death is in. Show someone Janet Jackson’s tit and they faint from the shock of it; show them a good murder scene and they run out to buy the DVD. I will strike again soon. but not here. I need to get away from here.

A Funny Story About Citibank

Today was the mother lode. I am still shaking. I am still smiling. I am covered in the glorious blood of revenge. It is sweet. Literally. Blood tastes sweet. It is a taste one can get rather used to. From head to toe. It is inside of me. it is underneath my nails. Smeared on my eyeballs even. it is all over me. I am in the dark of a sewer several miles outside of and underneath the city. I will rest for a while. It is night time now.

There was a time I remember, many years ago, when I was young and broke and struggling... I had noticed a strange charge on one of my credit cards. A finance charge of $35, and then a few lines below it, another charge for $275. I called the company. The man on the other end of the line explained to me like the good lifeless soulless puppet he was trained to be that that was an additional finance charge that they were charging me from now on. Evidently the bill had been paid late during the summer and now my APR had risen to an astonishing 28%. I laughed. I thought he was joking. He didn't laugh. He was used to this. this is what he did for eight hours a day everyday of his pathetic life. He spoke with men. And he spoke with women. And he spoke to single guys and he spoke to mothers of three. And his job was to explain to these people that there was nothing he could do, and that “a machine” had actually made the decision automatically. “We don't make these decisions ourselves sir. No one made the decision. Its just that when accounts go past due like that a machine automatically will adjust your rate accordingly.” “Well, you just yanked my rate from 6% to 28%. That's a pretty big deal for a machine to make don't you think.” He didn't answer.

“well I can see you doing this to single guys, I mean not really, but doing this to single guys just to make more money that's one thing, after all this is capitalist America, but you don't really do this to people with families do you?” “We do it to everyone sir,” he answered in monotone. “We don't actually do it. a machine does it.” “So someone has told you to just tell people that a machine does this and that is supposed to make us feel better and make you all feel better for doing this to people?” He didn't answer me. “What is your name by the way?” I asked. “We don't give out our names sir. My extension is 8126.” “SO you don't even give out your names. I can understand why... let me ask you then 8126, how the hell can you work there? i mean, if someone is having a tough time paying their bills and they start paying late, its probably because they are having financial problems right?” “How can I help you sir?” he asked me without answering my question. “Well just answer my question 8126. Isn't that the reason why people pay their bills late?” “Sir I think people pay their bills late for any number of reasons. That is not our concern....” “But I would disagree with you. I would think it is your concern. Are you not human? Are you not one of us still, or has your coveted position as a Citibank customer service rep somehow morphed you into some kind of non-human? Do you not see that jacking peoples’ interest rate to 28% where they are forced to pay you over $300 in interest payments a month could bankrupt them?” “Sir how can I help you?” he asked me again like a robot, without feeling, without remorse, without any awareness of what he was taking part in. “Perhaps you shouldn’t have used the card if you couldn’t pay for it...” he finally said.

“Hey listen 8126, I used the card because I thought I had a 6% interest rate as you promised in your introductory offer. Why do you play with people like this?” Our conversation went on and on like this for almost an hour. He wasn't going to do anything. There was no way out. I was trapped. I would be forced to pay them over $300 in interest alone till the balance of the card which was about $10,000 was paid off. At that rate it would take me about 40 years to do so. I was fucked. And what got me the most was thinking about all the people out there with families who were in the same position. Me, I could find a way to deal with this. I could get another card, do a transfer. I could get out of this somehow. But how the hell do you justify doing this to people with families? I just couldn’t believe it.

By the time I got off the phone with this man I felt so helpless and so uncared for. There was nothing I could do. My God the horror. Little did this tiny maggot of a man know what was to befall him and his coworkers because of that one fateful conversation that fall evening a year ago. People don't experience real justice in this world. People here in capitalist America think that they can do anything they want to other people and just get away with it. Feeling no blame or guilt or remorse. But I swore to myself when I awoke underground that I would change that. I am living on borrowed time. I know that. Any day could be my last. But until that day comes, I will seek that justice for every man women and child on this planet.

It took me some time, but I had located the building where Mr. 8126 worked. It was not hard. Hundreds of them worked out of a customer service call center in Oklahoma. I entered the Citibank call center building innocently enough. I had a fedora on. An overcoat. Sunglasses and a scarf did their best to cover the Blue Mask. Underneath my coat I carried two automatic machine guns. You gotta love America. You can buy anything you want to in this great country. Even automatic machine guns. I immediately shot everyone inside the entrance way to the ground except the two women at the reception desk. They screamed. I walked up to them. one of them reached for the phone. I shot her point blank in the head. She fell. I asked the other one, “tell me where the call center is now!” she stuttered... “second floor...” “thank you,” I responded, and then shot her at least five times. I had always wanted to do that.

Jazz is in Paris still. my heart longs to be there as well. She writes me. Sometimes what she writes is dreadfully boring. The obligatory mundane ramblings of an American in Paris. Sometimes it is quite brilliant and insightful. 

Hey Fishy,
Tell me about the show up in Delray. How was it? What songs did you perform? How large was the crowd? Did you do fun with tronics, again? If so, how'd the crowd react this time? are you all still the misunderstood artists?

Here's some more ramblings about Paris for you. Shorter this time.

I look for symbolism in life. Today, I found it in the Paris metro. Hands
gripped the steel bar. I thought about how each one told a story. One woman had
the words "carpe diem" engraved onto a silver ring. Another older, dark man had
rough hands and dry crackly skin. I thought that each of these hands were
acting out philosophies. Hard work. Seizing moments. And I thought it would be a
great idea to take a picture of just the hands on a bar. One would be of a
woman's hand wearing a wedding ring. Another might be of a child. And another
might be the woman wearing the carpe diem ring. The headline of this photograph
could read something like, Wearing Philosophies.

Funny how everyone on the metro seems to pretend the other person doesn't
exist except for the occasional "pardon." Short smiles. Tired faces. Everyone
just thinking about their own existence despite the numerous faces before them.

love ya,
Jazz

Last screening: Baraka. THIS IS A MUST SEE FILM.

I Remember the Name but not the Face

On the street at a café. People come up to you all the time. Shake your hand. Lot of times I cannot remember who they are but sometimes I recognize them. “hey what's up man how are you?” you know, stuff like that.... and the whole time I am trying to place who they are or where I know them from.... sometimes its just people that know you but you don't know them. you have to get used to that. Later, slipping into the back door of my salon, checking to see if I could get a quick trim for the concert tonight. My stylist is way overbooked as always, “uuuhmmm Fishy, perhaps you can call and make an appointment sometimes....” “o.k. fine, I will next time, but today you know there's this concert tonight and..... “

I'm standing there waiting to get started and I see this guy, he looks at me and says, ‘I remember the face but not the name...’ I think to myself for a second.... wow that's brilliant. I repeated it, ‘I remember the face but not the name.’ if only I would have heard that a few hours ago. it really would have come in handy. I was walking to the elevator a few hours later. I remember the face but not the name... what a line. you could just walk up to people and say it. even in the elevator. Just turn around and announce to some beautiful girl standing next to you, ‘I remember the face but not the name.’ she probably wouldn’t know what you were trying to say of course... but it just sounds good.
                       ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Do you remember last week when I invited you to come over and I would make dinner?”
“yes that was so nice.”
“Well why did you seem to kind of blow it off? You didn't seem interested.... so I didn't ask again.”
“I wasn't trying to be rude. I hope it didn't come off that way. I'm sorry if it did. its just that I'm a freak like that. I just think maybe that's something I need to save for my wife...” she spit out her drink onto the table in front of her....
“You're married?! I thought you said you weren't married?”
“No I'm not married. Gosh, I didn't mean to make you spit your wine out like that. that's good wine. Perhaps we can lick it off the table....? No I'm just kidding. But no I'm not married....” she gives me this look.... like is he crazy? “You know I have this idea that I am trying to respect my future wife. You know, I'm sure its very silly but It just feels like the right thing to do. making love and cooking for me are two things that are reserved for my future wife. Out of respect. You know....” she starts like tearing. Right there at the table during dinner. Like she's crying or something...
“that is so beautiful....” she says.
“Yeah I guess it is. I mean, I just think that if one day I am lucky enough to meet this girl that I love enough to marry and she is cooking for me, which is such sacred thing you know, I wouldn’t want to think that I had had that a lot with other girls... you know. only Maddie and Cleo have ever cooked for me and that's a nice thing to kind of keep sacred.... Hey you don't have to cry...”
“that is just so beautiful.. did your mother cook for you all? When you were growing up?”
“Yes of course she did. and she still does when we go home for the holidays. And that's really nice. but you know, you can’t make love to your mom. I guess in some states you can, probably Arkansas and Missouri and places like that... but you know not in New York or Miami... “
“Fishy that's gross! You just ruined a perfectly beautiful moment!”

Bought the Discovery Insight Guide to France. First step as always. Don't ask me why... just following the flow. Studying their tumultuous history. Of course nothing can match that of Italy’s. So France will be a rather easy country to conquer after Ital,  one would assume. Although I still cannot understand a fucking thing they say. It is as if their mouths have something in them all the time... I don't think that French will be as easy as the other romance languages. Started renting French films to begin soaking it in. Me roaming around yet another country aimlessly. Drinking smoking and writing my life away without reason rhyme or purpose. I suppose it could be worse.

Last Screening: the discreet charm of the bourgeois. This is a MUST SEE. Totally fucking without sense, like most French films. But somehow delightful nonetheless.

Current Spin: broken social scene, new one. Good indie tunage.

Current Read: history of France. 100 most influential people of all time. an Infinito selection of the month. Great read. Mohamed, Einstein, Gutenberg, Confucius, Buddha, Pasteur, Columbus, etc... this is true dilettante reading at its best.

There is this thing in America called the two party system... been studying the last few years. Seems like a bunch of crap. More later....

It finally happened. I had been working on this idea for an anti-gravity machine for the last ten years. I could see its practical applications but just couldn’t figure out how we could make it work.
I had searched the Internet for years, libraries, and bookstores, and science journals. So far no one has been able to come up with one, though many ideas have been proffered that appear at least to make sense.

Most scientists have envisioned anti-gravity machines as a means for us to fly without the use of planes. I have to be honest; I never even thought of that application. At least not until the last few months when I started dreaming of flying (more like bouncing very high actually...) To me the idea of an anti-gravity machine held its appeal in how it may benefit us in this use of space and mobility. I have already dedicated pages to the ideas in the other journals so its not necessary here.

But a few nights ago I did actually dream of it for the first time, which is always a great sign. After all these years I actually saw it in use. Right in front of my eyes. I had been called to this place, a big warehouse and base camp type of a place out in the middle of nowhere. It was already night by the time we unpacked our gear. They took me into this giant room, I mean giant room, as big as a football field; must have been ten stories high in there. there were blue gymnastics mats covering the floors. There were gymnastics equipment all over the place. trapeze, horses, rings, ladders, all sorts of things. but what immediately struck me was that some of these items were up very high. Two or three stories up in the air.

We would just jump and fly into the air hundreds of feet. We could do turns and twists in the middle of the air and stay suspended in mid-air for minutes at a time. somehow they had found a way to get rid of the gravity in the space. it was magnificent. This is the fourth dream I have had like this now, about flying or the suspension of gravity on earth...

I vacillate back and forth between extreme apathy and a desperate depression that creeps on me like some sort of invisible monster. I cannot see the beast, but I feel it all the time. Clutching onto me. I sit in the bath for hours. I let the shower run on my head for hours, hoping desperately that the water will wash away the creeping nagging feeling that all is lost and hopeless in my life. Hoping that I will just step out miraculously feeling happy and refreshed and anew again. But it is no use. Where is the ambassador? Where is the embassy? Each day gets worse. Each day gets shorter. I drive a lot. What else is left? Just driving around aimlessly. Even driving has lost its magic. Is that what hopelessness feels like? God it has been so long since I have felt anything like this. A sense of impending doom strangles me at all times. it is fascinating in a way. It is a feeling of helplessness, no-use-ness, aimless, hopeless... I tell myself I need to move. But I quickly realize that I will still be faced with the same tortuous anxieties. I will still have the same problems whether I am here, New York, or France. It won't change much. And what are these problems? That's the amazing part of it. there are no problems. I mean I'm so fucking healthy it should be a sin. I have more money than should be fair for doing what I do. I look in the mirror. Yep. Still you. nothing to be depressed about there. but it is inescapable. this nagging feeling that I fell into a rabbit hole and have started to experience a life that I was never meant to. for one thing the constant battle for commercialization, popularity, and success is destroying the sacredness of music for me. I am finding myself no longer enjoying music like I did just a few months ago. not even wanting to pick up a guitar. The pressure of it all is too much and its taking away the joy of it for me. That is a curse like no other because music is my God. It is my religion. Without it, I am just stumbling in the dark. Pretending to be someone I am not. If I am not a singer songwriter and musician then I am nothing but a man over board, lost at sea, waiting to die.

“Man that's just not me.” Ferret tells us.
I scream out, “well you know what man? Maybe you should start asking yourself what kind of person you want to be rather than what kind of person you are. fifteen fucking years you're still using the same excuses for your life, always saying, that's just the way I am. Bro. You can change if you want to. You don't have to stay the same. Don't you know that?”

Last screening: funny face with Fred Astaire and the wonderful Audrey Hepburn.

I wasn't the only one talking about lost job-markets like tech-support in America. Turns out its big news. Which sucks, because I was hoping that maybe it was just me being paranoid. But the truth is that it really is a huge trend. but its not about lost jobs anymore. It is about entire sectors we are losing overnight. Its about lost industries. Excellent story here about what is happening:
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2004/0401.florida.html

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