Wednesday, March 30, 2005

We are at the very beginning stages of humanity’s ascent toward recognition of its inherent divinity. Will not happen in our lifetimes but we are seeing the beginning stages of it.

Dying to create music right now. DYING. No, make that LIVING. Eating sleeping breathing music again. its all I think of. Falling absolutely in love again with WORLD MUSICS from everywhere --  morocco and Ghana and Mali as always, and now Iran... still digging ivano fussati, Francis cabrel, serge gainsebourge, Caetano, and Jorge Ben Jor to name a few. Just totally obsessed again. again trying to find a way to blend my love for glam rock power pop new wave seventies rock R&B hip hop and world music all together to find something that will satisfy me as a fan and as an artist and make me feel like I am doing IT, pleasing myself, fulfilling my goals and dreams as an artist. I am tired of trying to fit in with what's going on at this point. Now I am just entirely obsessed with pleasing myself as an artist and as a listener. If I have to listen to one more straight ahead rock resurgence or power pop or hip hop album I am going to shoot myself in the head from pure boredom. Thank God for cats like wilco and beck or the beasties because they are at least trying to go out there, but I want to go way out there.... way more out there... but do it in a cohesive way that fits it all together... don't know if I can do it just with the guys in the band. I don't think they are with me on this... but we will finish our current album and then who knows... I have to be able to please this urge within me. its not like were rolling in cash doing what we’re doing anyway.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Back in New York now. re-integrating. On the subway last night and realized how powerful but subtle the impact was. normally I'm hooded sunglassed and ipoded, not really there... hiding out.  the last two days I'm just sitting there feeling everyone, open, feeling it all. without agenda. Strange I think. what is it that is missing? The agendas. Nothing running in my head. Not much reaction triggering. More presence. More here now. not a lot of thinking. God I fucking love Avatar. I love being me. pure beingness.

It's spring in New York now. spring is here. living in Florida the last few years I had forgotten what spring meant. totally forgotten the significance of it. you just don't get spring in Florida. wow. Spring. It means so much when you live in a place like New York. I sit in the park and notice the grass is growing again. it is warming up. the squirrels and pigeons are back again. they are everywhere. jumping all over the place. it is beautiful. the park is populated with hundreds of people playing with their children on swings. Winter came and went so quickly. It will be missed. I will not know how to dress. What will I do when I don't need to wear my hooded coat? Where will I put my phone and pda and ipod when I'm walking around? I love my coat. I will miss the cold and snow. but welcome the new season.

Ah New York. you forget when you aren't here for a while. there is the man on the subway carrying on a very passionate and complete conversation hand gestures and all with absolutely no one while the rest of us try not to notice. There is the almost daily subway ride with one half of the car filled with people holding their nose and the other half with one passed out drunk sprawled out on the seats who has pissed himself, the smell so bad we’re all running to the next car. no one says anything. New Yorkers are like that. you have to figure that if a man is that far down that he is peeing on himself and passing out on subways God bless him and hopefully help him. no one’s going to say shit about it to anyone; let him sleep. its not that people dig it, but I think people understand and sympathize. Life is hard sometimes. There is the man who stops in a phone booth to let his pants fall to his ankles and pee right there out in public all over the phone booth as if it’s a toilet. There is the man who gets off the bus in front of my apt and walks backwards all the way into his apartment building across the street. Entirely backwards. Why? I don't know. there is the woman on the train last night who was shouting to all of us asking us if we had ever seen a white mans asshole. I swear to God. I don't know what she meant. God only knows. she was really loud and drunk. but I was drunk as well so I didn't mind. I thought it was disgusting and offensive but funny; felt as if I were in the African savanna with a bunch of other wild animals, any minute someone could have walked up to someone else on the train and ripped their head off and started eating their flesh from their neck and no one would have flinched. Sometimes you become very aware of what animals we are here roaming the earth with all our pretense. Just all part of the fold of living here. you get used to it. you get used to everything. after a while nothing shocks you.

Monday, March 28, 2005

First day back. staying quiet. feeling my way around. feel so in control. And confident. How wonderful. Great talk with the King last night who just got off a week long Sedona Method course. comparing notes. Both courses feel similar. He says he got great gains. Feels great. Flying.

Honeymoon with Princess Little Tree. In another world. dreamy. Floating. Unbelievable. Connection. Oneness. Stealing time is how I look at it. how long can we... laughing and crying... just trying to steal time. Coming down now that we have separated but feel good about it. o.k. with it. its like: ‘I love you, now goodbye.’ And maybe that's o.k.

current spin: broken social scene, you forgot it in people. awesome. not sure what you call it. but very good. out there. fucking creative as hell.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Avatar: Day 9

Day nine

Wow about the integrity course. last day. what a dance. are we not amazing creators? As its said, consciousness is funny. Just really funny. Processed all day just hard core no lunch and really focused to get the absolute most out of the experience that I could. a little shocked, perhaps in shock actually. A new course,  just a little over a year old, and so a new course for me and many others. a little shaky my first time out for sure. But I can honestly say that I feel happier and clearer and cleaner than I have felt since wizards of 2001, maybe even since masters of 95. very clean and clear and ‘in feel.’ feel a sense of joy and personal responsibility and capability that I don't know if I have ever felt before. just awesome.

there were kids everywhere on this course. it has really turned into a family thing now. Avatar babysitters with twenty kids of different ages and from all these different countries and speaking diff languages walking or skipping behind them. so cool!

current spin: west Indian girl. On astralwerks. California pussypop with whining stoner vocals. Not my thing. irrelevant.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Avatar: Day 8

Day eight

A shit day. went back in. deep. Found so much stuff inside. I'm not saying it was awful. Just hard to fathom how full of shit I am, or have been. Hard to look at yourself honestly and everything you do and stay neutral. I'm doing it. but it’s a challenge. Easy to find yourself wanting to go into resistance and pretend that everything is alright. But we know where that leads. So I just went in all day and really focused on getting the most from the tools and the processes and just went with the flow. I am slowly getting real and honest. Bigger picture = feels great. Smaller picture = feels shitty till some of the shock discreates.

I cannot believe how dishonest and ‘in react’ I have been the last few years. just so full of shit. so many things are clearer to me now. I am in awe of the understanding of myself I have now. no wonder. That's what you are left with. This feeling of ‘no wonder.’ Feeling like a hamster in a spinning wheel the last year or so. no wonder. Finally seeing why. fear creates dishonesty. Being afraid to show up, afraid to face what is real, of what's really happening, or afraid of what you imagine might happen. creates dishonesty. Even little bouts of dishonesty that we don't even notice within ourselves... dishonesty creates misalignment that pervades our entire lives. Conflicts, drama, confusion, and we have no idea what's going on or why we’re living the kind of life we’re experiencing. Mostly caused by fear. Fear then dishonesty then denial then asserting of the ego. More denial then conflicts and attacks with others etc.... the further down the spiral we go the further away from Source we get totally forgetting that when all is said and done we are all creating all of it. crazy. but luckily there is always a way out. that's where I'm at now. seeing the way out and headed for it full speed ahead.

all I can think of now is returning to take it one more time to get an even deeper clarity and understanding. This was a good wake up call. But I want to go deeper now and really get to the bottom of it all.

current spin: Benedictine monks – CHANT. Wow. Amazing.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Avatar: Day 7

Day seven

Flying all day. happy. filled with gratitude. For my family and friends and for this technology. And for myself for showing up and doing the work. I believe that this may have been the first time I have ever felt gratitude for myself. Up until this point I have always just kind of shit on myself internally and on most people as well. today I felt real joy and gratitude. Saw some light at the end of the tunnel I have been in the last year or two. Wow.

Current spin: George Michael, patience. So good to listen to him again. I remember hearing this song amazing in Europe two years ago and thinking ‘is that George Michael? Holy cow. I thought he was gone forever.’ I felt so good to hear him on the radio again.... I love him. if you can bounce back from that... well then, I suppose a person could bounce back from anything really.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Avatar: Day 6

Day six

First day feeling alright, that I'm going to make it. Mission control we have lift off. The ego is starting to lift off of me for the first time in many years. or as Robbie Williams said the ego has landed. and I am coming at it from all angles with the tools and processes trying to even understand what it is or how I can get control of it. Coming back to myself little by little.... a little frightened that it will not last...  that as soon as I get back into my life that I will start recreating the ego again. working on this automatic self persisting drama. Laughing at it now as I write it. good sign. Today was the take off day. feeling that high that you get from Avatar. More free attention, more personal responsibility, more joy and happiness, lighter feeling, increased feelings of alignment with others and with my own sense of higher self, more understanding of attacks and conflicts, more control of my attention, more control of my will, more understanding of who I have been and who I am showing up as, more gratitude, getting back to a state of loving and enjoying my music again... wow. This by far out of all the other amazing benefits I have begun to feel feels the most special. All day feeling like I am flying. Finally have enough free attention to begin to reach out to other people again and be present with them. long time since I had that feeling. Happy.

Working with others on your and their personal shit is not easy. challenging.

A few deaf people are here. working through lip reading and sign language. walked around with my ears plugged for a while to try to understand what they are going through. But I could still hear. Can the deaf understand music? can they even understand the concept of it? need to research current collected date and beliefs. similar to blind people and color. Can they know color? Understand the concept of it even?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Avatar: Day 5

Day five
Better today. a little bit more relaxed but still pretty upset and resistant to getting control of the ego. Has a huge hold on me. but through another day of exercises I became more aware of everything I do from the ego, to feed the ego, boost the ego, at the expense of my intuition and at the expense of everyone around me. I am in awe of what a selfish self serving bastard I have been. Especially the last few years. for the last two years I had not attended any courses thinking that I was pretty clear. that I had reached a certain state of spiritual prosperity... but I have a profound sense now how lost I have been the last year especially... feeling completely tossed about by life rather than in control of it --- no sense of living deliberately. I understand that there is a real need to have some kind of practice to stay clean. to stay clear and deliberate. It can be anything. Mediation religion whatever. for me Avatar has worked really well the last ten years. I just forget sometimes how important it is to come here and snuggle into this space with others and work on our shit. I hope I never forget again. Today I finally feel a little relief. owning our transgressions, owning our dramas and our stories and our justifications and our indiscretions is very freeing. This course is advanced work. For wizards who have already been through the other courses and are ready to really work on what's really up for them and what they really do and who they really are. Not for the faint of heart. but I'm staying in day to day sometimes hour to hour just trying to stay on course and follow along no matter uncomfortable. My ego is scared shitless for some reason and I feel almost like a victim of that fear. Running scared. But tomorrow will be another day and I have a feeling will be easier.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Avatar: Day 4


Day four
Holy shit. we got some new exercises today. explained a little more. turns out this is not about building you up like some of the other courses... but breaking the ego completely down – getting control of it, getting it in check. For me, forget about it. I have worked my ass off to build my ego up for the last few years thinking I had to in the business I am in and today I was in total resistance from just thinking about my ego. Struggling. Squirming in my chair like a little kid. the ego going fucking nuts. attacking other students on the course I was working with all day. lots of tears and screaming. Very defensive. Had to call a trainer a few times to help me integrate before I went crazy. lots of Anger. Shame. Pain. nauseous. Wanting to give up a few times. I cannot imagine ever being able to get control of my ego. Feels too big for me. much bigger than I am. Discovered that almost everything I do is to feed or boost my ego.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Avatar: Day Three

Day three

Complete overwhelm. The course is twelve hours a day working on conflicts we have in our lives, different dramas. actions we have done that have affected ourselves or others negatively, actions we take to persuade others something about ourselves, our dishonesties and manipulations of ourselves and others, things we do that we do not prefer... I'm not sure what's going on. Feel anger. Feel nauseous and want to hurt myself. I want to jump off a building or stab myself. Constant working on things we have done in the past or still do in the present that aren't so good. to own. this way we can own them and then let it all go. but it is building up and backing up in me. most of the time I feel either exhausted or in total resistance. This is my first time on this course. I have received so many letters and calls from friends from all over the world encouraging me to take this course over the last year. miracle stories from all over. But I have no idea what is coming up next or why we are doing what we are doing. All I know is that if I feel this much resistance that we are doing good work.


Saturday, March 19, 2005

Avatar Integrity Course: Day 1

Orlando Florida
Avatar Integrity Course
Day 1
500 students, 40 countries
10:41pm
exhausted. Overwhelmed. Lighter, freer, but just exhausted and overwhelmed by the discoveries of the inner-workings of me; learning about the mechanisms of why we do what we do. who we are. each of us on our own. no indoctrination or dogma or theories even,,, just explorations and then discovery... some squirming, some tenseness, some tears, some laughter, a lot of ah hahs and a lot of relief. feel slightly clearer. Slightly. Still a lot of tension and fear about things that I perceive as ‘out of my control.’ Face looks lighter, less tenseness in it.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Dude you'll never believe what I'm doing right now. I'm cleaning the bathtub. Crazy I know. I'm even picking up my own laundry from the floor to take it to the cleaners. Wow the ambassador is doing laundry. Well not really. But still. I am picking it up off the floor. A good start.
skid marks. How do our wives and girlsfriends deal with picking up our underwear with skidmarks on them? and even more importantly why don't they ever have skidmarks? What the hell is that all about?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

More things to try: getting shot. Made a bet with Dasher that if the show gets picked up he has to shoot me. Will do the leg, least risk there we’re thinking. really want to see what that is like. Also drinking blood. Realized that I have tasted blood but never drank a large amount of blood before. so I have decided to make it happen. I hate the idea of things out there that I have never experienced. don't want to drink my own blood. That would be fucking weird. I asked Princess Little Tree if I could drink her blood. She asks inncocently with eyes wide, ‘well how much do you want to drink?’ ‘I don't know, maybe a pint. Enough for a full glass.’ ‘that much?!’ ‘well yeah. Don't worry. we’ll have you lay down while I extract your blood. That way if you feel faint you can just pass out. don't worry.’ ‘I'm not worried. If you're going to drink blood then better it be mine. But do you have to drink so much?’ ‘well how else are we supposed to see what its really like and how it makes us feel? might be something to it you know...’ so she tries to make me a deal that if she lets me drink her blood I will not deliberately get shot. But I would have none of it. ‘getting shot is too important to me. I told you that. I'm not going to live my whole life and not get shot. That's ridiculous.’ ‘no. what's ridiculous is you being shot on purpose.’ ‘well, we’ll film the whole thing so it won't be ridiculous at all. it will be an experiment. A really interesting experiment...’

Anyway Sunday morning is the spring equinox. And so Sunday morning we will wake up early and I will drink her blood. Have to research where the best place is to draw it from. I assume the arm. I am sure it will be very good. Princess Little Tree is a royal. I am sure royal blood tastes good.

Also decided that I would like to see what it is like to have sex with a man. Not make love or anything but just to be done up the ass by a man. I don't think its something I would actually like to do myself although I won't rule it out, but perhaps feel what it feels like to have it done. Perhaps both. I tell her this casually over a romantic indian dinner. She starts crying. Trying to hold back her tears in between bites. ‘I think this is too much for me...’ she says... ‘look, I told you it wasn't easy being with an artist and you have this whole preconception that its all poetry and flowers...’ ‘which it has been so far...’ ‘yes and as it will continue to be... but this is important. I just want to see what its like. You know, for the experience. Millions of guys are doing it. and back in the days of ancient Greece and Rome they used to do it all the time. so I just want to try it. who wants to live their whole life and not experience that?’ ‘she spits out her wine over the table. ‘what are you talking about man? Plenty of men I know wouldn’t want to experience that. can’t you have more normal goals to achieve like white water rafting or going to see the Caspian sea or something?’ ‘ I've already told you, things like that don't interest me a lot. there's plenty of time to hang in nature. Anyone can do that. but not many men are brave enough or adventurous enough to get done up the butt by another man... now that's an experience worth having.’ ‘you're crazy.’ ‘yes. and you knew that before we ever started seeing each other... trust me on this.’ ‘o.k. so let me get this straight... your friend Dasher is going to shoot you in the leg so you can feel what it feels like. You want to drink a pint of my blood and then you want to have another man sodomize you? and I'm supposed to sit here and enjoy dinner?’ ‘well yeah... its good isn't it? how is your food? Good right?’

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The longer I know Cleopatra the more I realize my own foolishness and weakness for not allowing myself to see her true nature years before...    I don't think I have ever met someone so full of it. if she doesn’t need anything she is quiet. non-communicative, not there for me at all. but when she wants something, she will call and be so nice on the phone it is as if she is a different person. now I don't even listen to her when she calls. don't ever get sucked in. I used to really internalize her problems, her pain, her sorrow of being. Always trying to be there for her. as a protector, as a father figure. But now... I can barely even listen to her when she speaks. I just feel almost no sincerity coming from her at all. I have an amazing array of close friendships with ex-girls. Very lucky in that. don't know where I went wrong with Cleo. Don't know if there was anything I could do different really. Last year on my birthday she called me ten times screaming about something or the other, not even aware that it was my birthday.... six years with someone and she is so absorbed in her day to day drama that she doesn’t remember its my birthday until I remind her.... of course she felt bad and emailed a million times afterwards apologizing... but it was too late... that was it really...the end of the line. it was the last time I ever took her seriously. for the last few years I really tried to hang on to Cleopatra because we were so close for so long. I think it was selfish on my part. Feeling that I really needed to be good friends with all my exs. But now I don't even care. That's a rather shallow goal in and of itself. I believe now that it is more important just to be friends with the people in your life who are really there for you, whether you spent a lot of time with them in the past or not. move on. It doesn’t mean the time we spent together wasn't good. because some of it was. but now is now. then was then. good lesson. Some people we are not meant to spend our whole lives with... even as friends. I know this also because the Italian Stallion doesn’t speak with me anymore. We live less then twnty blocks from one another but we just never speak. Who knows why. but I respect it. honor it. move on. Doesn’t mean I don't miss speaking with her. but you know, that's life. in our hearts I think, in our dreams, we still hold a very special place for everyone we have ever been close to. they are there in our hearts and in our mind’s eye always and forever.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

So here we are in the mid-two thousands and the music world smack dab in the middle of an early eighties obsession/rehash as the twenty year cycle finally comes around again as it always does. Its actually more of a twenty-three year cycle I've noticed. Just as planned. Just as expected. Just as always. The current buzz bands franz Ferdinand the killers modest mouse vhs or beta and secret machines is a none too subtle rearrangement/amalgamation of the music we all grew up listening to when we were kids in the early to mid eighties. (the two-thousands currently obsessing/swallowing the eighties (just as the seventies was obsessed with the fifties (happy days, lavern and Shirley, sha na na, etc...) the eighties obsessed on the sixties (Woodstock revivals and constant documentaries about the sixties culminating with the peak of the grateful dead’s success in 1990 and the entire country dropping acid again for one or two solid summers in 1989 and 90 and the nineties obsessed on the seventies (remember the bee gees, disco and bell bottoms were the WORST things you could say, or perhaps the funniest, for a brief twenty years and then the nineties hit and they all of a sudden became the rage all over again...  the nineties was all about disco and funk and seventies rock and pop revival etc...))  This new two-thousands obsession with the eighties that is going on now though is very obvious. A lot of these bands don't even hide it. they might as well be the new cure or new order or smiths albums...  Perhaps it always was like this and maybe I'm just starting to get astute enough to be able to notice it.

Anyway, plenty of good original stuff being made. God so much. Music so amazing now. joyzipper is a new fav of mine right now. Belle and Sebastian’s new one. keane is great. Muse – my favorite!!!! They are amazing and sound like no one except Jeff Buckley. Coldplay don't sound like anyone. I mean, obvious a strong U2 influence there but just great music. travis is always good. Ours – what will become of ours? will he ever break?

So I'm walking home at midnight and I'm listening to all this new eighties revival music that is so popular now that people think is new... and I'm thinking about **** from **** records being cool enough to invite me up to his office to listen to the latest hottest music... so we could compare the new transcendence album to what's hot now. and I'm thinking man there is no way me and the guys are going to start making music like this. its just not in us. we can’t force something that we aren't. I don't think any of us ever really got into the eighties music when it was popular let alone now twenty years later.

Monday, March 14, 2005

In the subway. Ipod blaring in my ears. I can’t hear a thing around me. just this pounding music. so I'm watching everyone.... I see a strange response around me from many people. I take off an earbud and hear that we are now stuck in the middle of a fucking tunnel two full stories underneath the ground and we will be here for at least fifteen minutes because the train in front of us is broken... talk about a freak out. everyone is freaking out. standing up and trying to calm down... eventually people calm down. There is no way out...

I watch as everyone is reading their various things. a girl next to me is studying some textbook. And a girl across the way is reading some magazine article and a guy is reading some science fiction book and someone else is reading some technical manual for his job. And I'm thinking... I'm so sick of the way humanity still is... with this way we have to read everything...we’re so primitive. Still having to read and type. We’re just not getting it at all. we’re so not there. so totally unconvinced that this is the ultimate method for obtaining data, of downloading data into our internal hard drives of our brain. Its like we’re a bunch of cavemen still. each of us supposed to major in something so we can do that as our job and we have to sit here and read all this shit and learn it so we can do that as our job.... the matrix movie really had it with the whole concept of plugging in or jacking in and downloading whole knowledge banks into our brains. When will this happen? and why the fuck do I have to sit here and type? Its so fucking frustrating. So old school. So last century. There has to be a better way.

Just as mark twain used to have to sit and hand write and then later say tom Robbins had to sit and type on a typewriter we too are still totally trapped by our having to sit and type into a computer. If only I could plug my brain into a machine that would allow my thoughts to instantly transfer to the page... 

Current spin: The streets new one. very cool.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Funny D-Day Story

I swear to God my French teacher is going to make me hate their country. I cannot endure another day of her shallow snobbery and complete lack of passion.

So in honor of her... Something funny from the inbox:
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on  a tour. 
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. 
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped  the Frenchman. Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to  show my passport" 

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on  arrival in  France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention. The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.”

Current spin: the Killers, hot fuss. I like it. reminds me of the early eighties. Being a kid again...i think that's why they hit. Because it takes so many people back to that time...

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Went to breakfast by myself this morning. Just to relax. There was a table with a family sitting next to me. dad, mom, three kids. The kids were all speaking at the same time. total chaos. i was overwhelmed by it. I tried to picture myself there at the table. As the father. The idea made me anxious. The kid something like ‘dad? Can we go to la after this?’ I thought to myself, God I would never be able to put up with that. we’re in New York. la isn't close to New York. but that's kids I guess. You just deal with it. for all I know because its your own kid you think its cute. Would I think that was cute? Could i? would I turn out like all the other people who think their kid is the cutest and the smartest? The thought made me feel nauseous. I felt like I had to go throw up. I tell myself I want three kids. But how the hell am I going to have three kids? I'm too selfish. I'm too absorbed in my own work. In my own ideas. How do you give that up? start living through other beings rather than through yourself... I have to throw up. I need coffee. Its too early to think about this. I cannot take the thought of it. me sitting around a table with a bunch of kids talking about nothing. Not doing anything substantive... I could not handle it... the only thing that could ever bring me to that, as much as I fantasize about it in the back of some alternative mind I keep in me somewhere, would be the love for a woman so strong that I forget myself entirely. I used to feel such a rush for that, such longing; and though that still lingers, now I savor each moment that exists before her inevitable appearance.

A half hour later I noticed the family had left. I was at peace for the moment. and then sitting in front of me I noticed this old white man with hearing aids in his ears sitting with this young black woman. they were talking small talk. They didn't know each other. She must be his nurse. Hired through some service to get him around. He was that old. He was saying things like ‘did you know my first name was Joe?’ ‘nooooo. I didn't know that... how funny...’ My God I'm going to throw up again... I thought. So that's what its like when you're old and you don't have any family and you're forced to go to breakfast with a nurse that you don't even know... fuck. I realized the irony... damned if I do. and damned if I don't.

Last screening: stealing beauty. If you want to watch a director who is so in love with himself that he doesn’t realize that he is making a really bad movie watch either of the last two star wars installments, but this one comes damn close. If there was a movie there I missed it because he was so obsessed with shoving it down our throats how pretty he thought liv tyler was.

Friday, March 11, 2005

The Poet calls me. About that movie what the bleep do we know.
“Dog. did you see it?”
“yeah. Heard it all before. but cool that its hitting the masses now...”
“well some cat, who’s gay by the way, not that that means anything, here totally destroys it in a recent review in the paper. says its garbage and not scientific... I wondered what you thought about it...”
“Look man I didn't even like the movie. You know. I fell asleep. But to try to discount the scientific theories that that movie is talking about is ridiculous. These aren't even new theories. Scientists have been talking about them for years. since the late eighties when that whole “science meets metaphysics” concept first started. Books like the Tao of physics and dancing with the wu li masters... so this guy you're talking about is an idiot to try to even discount it... sure it was a boring movie... ameturish. I'll give you that. but c'mon. At this point its obvious we’re controlling a lot of what were experiencing through some sort of unconscious or semi-conscious manipulation of molecules with our mind energy.... it’s a given... I don't have the time to argue with these idiots anymore if they don't get it...”
“I thought you'd say that. you would think so.”
“maybe the guy is just pissed that he was born gay and feels trapped by it, you know, genetically... so he refuses to accept that we have any control of our own destinies and would rather have a fatalist attitude about life....”
“I don't know. but he just says that there is no scientific proof that we can have any control at all of the molecular nature of the world...”
“yeah, well then he's been living in a fucking cave for the last twenty years. cause everyone's talking about it now. I'm not saying that were doing it all a hundred percent. You know. I mean lets be real. If we were controlling our own destinies I wouldn’t be talking to you from an office... I'd be in the back of a limo with a glass of Cristal in my left hand and there’d be three Swedish sixteen year olds going down on me...”
sixteen year olds? Wow. I like that man. Tell it like it is.
hey why hold back man. You know what I mean. but I'm not in the back of a limo..
with three Swedish sixteen year olds going down on you?
exactly. so obviously we aren't controlling our destinies a hundred percent... but c'mon man... I've learned enough. I've seen enough... obviously we’re controlling a good portion of it... at this point a lot of people can see that... can feel it. there's no question about it. regardless of what certain scientists are going to say. Some of them will be the last to let on that they get it. because it defies the laws of current scientific thought. And that's their job. God bless them because that's what they're there for.
“It just goes to show how far off our scientific knowledge of the day can be...”
     Exactly.
    Right now, here in Atlanta Georgia there are schools that because of supposed scientific knowledge certain schools are not allowed to teach evolution...
    Exactly. unbelievable. And according to current scientific knowledge of the sixteen hundreds Galileo was thrown into jail in Florence because he said the earth revolved around the sun. so go figure. So that's current scientific knowledge for you. Right now we assume the earth revolves around the sun. But for all we know, there's another body that the sun is revolving around but we just can’t see it because its too big or too small or it exists in some other dimension... who the fuck knows? Current scientific knowledge is only as good as people are willing to extend their imagination beyond it...
Well said Mr. Ambassador. Dude. The universe is fucking expanding. Have you ever thought about that?
Yeah, I know. fucked up. makes me anxious. I have to take a valium when I think about it. how can you feel grounded when you think about that? I just wish everything would stop moving for a while.

My dreamy lover... how I miss you... lets go out tonight. lets eat Indian food and fall asleep on each others laps listening to music in a public place...

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Went to an opening party of a new Brazilian art space and club. Free caipirinha all night so we we’re pretty wasted. Went with polar bear, a new friend, who is some kind of mad genius inventor/designer guy. incredible conversation. I love New York. walking around the city going from cool place to cool place. talking about fellini versus Bertolluci. Brian eno’s musical contribution versus his intellectual contribution.... And why pink Floyd shouldn’t be on my desert island list but the squarepushers should be. and does good art need a cohesive narrative-through-line... or can it exist on its own... of course I prefer the latter theory, seeing that I have never been able to master the art of good narrative through-lines. And when I have attempted it I have always failed miserably... at least if you are to believe the critics... I sat around Miami for three years hoping to have one fucking conversation like that and after a while thought there was something wrong with me because the town is so thoroughly devoid of intellect. But God did I try. Here in New York they are as commonplace as breathing in or out.... God I love New York.

Current spin: green day, American idiot. they're starting to grow up. dig it. this is the next generation of what post-punk can be. the fucking drumming is awesome. tres cool.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Things I have learned from being poor the last six months.

o.k. I'm not really poor. I live on the Upper East Side in Manhattan and our record label’s headquarters are on park avenue. But the truth is that I haven't been able to make ends meet in almost a year. never have enough to eat. always eating toast or oatmeal or cereal. Very sad. Every month it’s a fucking stretch. Everyone I know offers to send me money everyday. But I have really enjoyed the process of climbing back up. I believe I'm in this position for a reason so I have really tried to look for and enjoy the learning. I had not been financially struggling for a long time so this is all very new to me. on the one hand I throw myself full on into my work, and on the other I really try to grab at the lessons along the way, knowing I am here at this place for a reason.

One of the things I have decided to do is start using cash for everything so I could get an idea of what money actually is. for the past ten years I lived on credit cards attached to an expense account. I would use the cards till they declined and then I would whip out another card. When they all declined I would ask for more money and they would be refilled. I know. lucky me. but no longer. So I have decided to use cash for everything. no more cards. So even if I am buying dinner I pay for it in cash. There is nothing like learning the real value of things and the actual cost of things than paying for it in cash. When you pay for things with a card you really have no tangible idea what you are actually paying for it. it is unreal. With cash it becomes very real. I get two hundred bucks in my pocket and 36 hours later it is gone. Now that is fucking real. You feel it. that's been good for me. traumatic but good.

What else? well I have really started to see the value of money. even a dollar. I used to give twenties away to homeless people just for asking. Hearing that Charlie sheen gives away hundreds, I figured twenties was the least I could do. now I give less. Understanding that a dollar is a dollar. It has value.

I never paid attention to things like price before. I always just bought whatever I wanted and never bothered to look at the price. Now I look at prices. I am not saying I comparison shop yet. but I am coming close. I am looking at prices of things.

I am being pickier with what I buy and when I buy it. this feels good. again, I am learning that money has a value. Things have a value.

There are a lot of things that I want that I cannot buy. Although it frustrates me I must say I am enjoying it. sometimes I want a haircut but I cannot get it. I used to go to John sahag to get my haircut and again soon I will I am sure. It used to cost me $300 for cut and dye. the funniest thing is that I used to fly from Miami to New York and stay in a hotel just to go to John sahag. So it really used to cost me about a thousand for my hair. Now I go to this local place close to my apt and it costs me $50 and I swear you cannot tell the difference. This is cool.

So now I have to wait to buy stuff I want. This is teaching me about patience and discipline and being frugal and being honest about where you are. I like this.

I used to spend about fifty bucks on dinner every night. tonight I had a bowl of oatmeal and a few bowls of cereal for dinner. I never understood fast food places. Now I do. sometimes they are all you can manage that day. and you really appreciate them when you are able to afford them.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The New Lords Prayer

Ourselves who art on earth
Hallowed be our name
Our kingdom come
Our will be done
On earth
As we are in heaven
Give us this day
Our daily bread
We forgive ourselves our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
We lead us not into temptation
And we deliver all from evil
For ours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
Forever and ever
Amen

Yes. that's more like it. its not the new LORDS PRAYER. It’s the NEW LORDS prayer. We are the NEW LORDS.

Current spin: Jorge Ben jor, puro suingie. Roughly translates to ‘pure groove.’ And pure groove it is indeed. In the end its always going to come down to the Brasilian cats. They just have IT. this is where it all begins for Jorge Ben.... this is THE CD where it all started.
Last night, tonight... When was this?
I was falling asleep, perhaps I was asleep... I was praying. I told myself I was praying...  was I asleep? I spoke...
God
Yes
God its me. its Fishy.
I know.
Do I always have to introduce myself like that? God why do I always feel as though I need to introduce myself.
Silence.
God I don't feel inspired. Yes that's it. I need to focus on this. God help me to feel more inspired. fill me with inspiration.
Silence.
How can I not feel inspired? if anyone is inspired, certainly it would be me.
Silence.
If I'm not inspired what more could I possibly need?
Silence.
God.
Yes.
Are you mad at me?
Silence.
Have I done something wrong?
Silence. Then, you know.
Yes I know. you're mad at me for my recent ranting and raving against you in the diaries....
Yes. not mad.
But you're upset. You aren't happy with me...
A knowing of yes.
But I thought that you wanted me to do that? I thought that I was on a mission of some kind.
You are. but you are missing the point.
I am missing the point. How am I missing the point...
I exist. you pray to me. you pray to me nightly. But you are leading people away from me everytime you write lately. you are misleading people by constantly asserting that I do not exist.
But you get the point. I get the point. People will get the point.
Will they?
Well I don't know. I assume they will. I mean, o.k. you exist. I pray to you. I talk to you all the time. its true. I was born with the faith so I take it for granted. The God thing.
You take it for granted because you have the gift of faith. But you assume that everyone else also has this faith. so you preach against me assuming that everyone will get the point that you really aren't preaching against me... so what exactly are you doing?
Well now that you put it that way... God...
Yes.
I know what I'm doing. I know you know what I am doing. My intention is pure God.
I know it is.
O.k. so tell me what to do then. I want to be doing the right thing.
Don't lead people away from me.
I began to cry. I don't know if I was really crying or just crying in my heart. God, I wasn't trying to lead people away from you really...
I know... but perhaps you need to redefine what you are doing and why you are doing it...
What was I doing? What am I doing? I am trying to steer people away from religion. That's for sure. God I fucking hate religion. God is that o.k.?
Its o.k. for you. have you ever considered that religion may be the only way that certain people can find a way to me?
No. but I see it now...
But you persist in rallying against religion at every opportunity.
Yes. well I hate religion God. this is not something new to you. you know how I feel. I will never be sold on religion. The closest I could ever come to religion is the writing of lao tsu. There is no secret in that. you know my heart more than anyone. I'm not going to convert to any religion God. not like my father. Not now. not ever. My father is a ridiculous fool. Being a logical pragmatist and materialist agnostic all his life and then converting to Christianity in his later years... what a cop out, what a sell out. like king Charles the second converting to Catholicism just before he died. Fuck that. I'm not that. I will be religious.
So you assume you know your whole life before you have even begun to live?
I believe I do. if I ever convert to a religion, strike me dead.
Do you mean that?
No. God. no. of course I don't. I'm just talking. forget I said that.
Forgotten.
But I would prefer to lead us forward. Do you know what I mean God? I would prefer to lead us to a more evolved state God. I know you know what I mean... why are you arguing with me?
I feel a Smile. Am I arguing with you? who is arguing?
I am free to do whatever I want to aren't I?
Silence.
Of course I am. I know it. free will. I could die tomorrow an atheist and still meet God. wow. Think about that. because I wouldn’t really be an atheist. I would just be saying I am an atheist. I would just be pretending...
Yes.
God?
Yes.
Tell me what to do then. I don't care. I just want to do the right thing. God I just want to fucking be happy. 
I know you do. then stop.
Stop? I get it. I didn't wait for an answer. I thought about it. stop. Stop preaching against God. but what about humanity rising up to realize our true divinity... how do I persist in that mission... I cannot let go of that mission... but I have to do it the right way...
Can humanity rise to realize its own divinity and still know God?
I heard it. I listened to it. I thought about it. can God still exist if humankind realizes its own godness? That is the question. I do not have an answer for this. I would like to know what to do but I don't know what to do.
Is that o.k.?
Sure. I'm tired. I don't have to solve this now. I can go to sleep. God?
Yes.
Thank you. I'm going to do the right thing.
I know.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Look, I love you. I love what we have. this... is sacred. You hear that.
Yes
that.
What?
But you understand that I am an artist. Right?
Yes.
And you know what that means?
I don't know what you mean. I think I do.
But I don't know if you do really. And it makes me worry about you.
You don't need to worry about me.
But I do. its not easy. I mean... being with an artist... I can’t be like other guys. do you know that?
Yes. that's what I love about you.
I know. you love that now. but you're going to grow to hate it.
How do you know what I am going to feel like? Why don't you just let me be me?
O.k. I will. But you know how I want to go live in France for a while and live this artist’s life? and to Africa? And to Amsterdam?
Yes. and I want you to do that.
But you know. there's more to it than that. you know.
What do you mean?
Well what I mean is that its not all just about going to school during the day to learn a foreign language and recording in the studio and sitting in a cafĂ© to write for a few hours. I mean. its really throwing your arms around the world you know. its about love affairs with nameless girls and stumbling home drunk with an empty bottle in your hand in the middle of the night kicking mud puddles and whistling after some debauched romp in the hay with some girl you’ll never see again...
Are you trying to disgust me?
No. and that's my point. To me that's not disgusting. Its beautiful. its inspiring. that's the stuff that songs are made of. And I am afraid that I need that. and I don't want you to be hurt. That's what I'm trying to say. And that's what I've been trying to say for months now... and I haven't known how to say that to you without hurting you or jeopardizing what we have. because I love what we have. but I also love who I am and who I want to be...
Well how does this fit in with your goal of wanting to get married and have children?
Well, it doesn’t. and I guess that's why I've never been married... and maybe... I don't know... I guess I would have to get that out of my system first wouldn’t i?
Yes. I would hope so.

And I thought of dear julia. The only girl I have ever known who would hear something like that and respond ‘well for gods sake go do it and have fun and tell me all about it when you get back...’ God bless dear julia. If julia isn't the wife she certainly is the perfect soulmate. And for the life of me I cannot shake the fact that I am absolutely fine with that.

Ok, so not all is hunky-dory in the world of Iran. Or even close for that matter. I don't think anyone is saying that this a tranquil place of American loving peace loving hippies. just read this article entitled Iran and the Palestinian War Against Israel: Implications of the Karine-A Affair, By Michael Rubin. It can be found on the Internet. The point is that Iran is now sponsoring more terrorism than ever. I don't want peeps thinking that because I was speaking up against the deceptive practices and injustices committed against Iran by the United States that I was saying that the current regime occupying Iran is a good one or that I am in any way supporting who they are and what they stand for. for all we know or the people who have lived under this regime for the last twenty years things are just as bad as they were under the shaw who they overthrew. And the worst part is that the people there now, they get arrested and whipped just for simple things like playing cards, drinking alcohol, having parties at their homes or listening to western music, wearing jeans, or going out into the streets “uncovered.” Absolutely crazy. you want to hear something really whacked? The chicks there man, if they are accused of a crime they can be arrested, whipped and then executed. But by law you cannot execute a virgin... so you guessed it... the men in charge first marry the girl, then have sex with her, then send her family some “dowry” money (often as low as $5) and then they execute her. this can be for something as simple as speaking up against the government or the Muslim religion. Crazy indeed. For all its corporate greed, blatant media lies, cover-ups, and manipulations, and crass commercialism, America seems not half bad at all in comparison. Of course that's the way its always been and that's why we love the old red white and blue so much but that doesn’t mean and shouldn’t mean that we should overlook our own problems here either. Long live the revolution. 

Current spin: lenny Kravitz, baptism. This is his BEST ALBUM SINCE LET LOVE RULE!!!! BUT BETTER!!!! THIS ALBUM ROCKS.
Good brunch this morning with friends. Took it easy the rest of the day. studied French mostly. Still cannot get it under my skin no matter how hard I try. the other day someone in the studio was speaking in Portuguese. had been a while since I had heard it. was music to my ears. It sings to me. reminded me of what that is like. To be sung to because a language resonates so deeply with your soul. Italian does that to me as well. although I speak Spanish, I cannot say it has the same effect on me. and neither does French. just can’t get it to sing to my heart. But I will learn it anyway. The question for me is is it possible to learn a language for practical reasons and not have it sing to your soul? I guess I already answered the question, with Spanish. But it is certainly easier when the language has a profound effect on you when you hear it as Italian or Portuguese does. Even with the French music. just doesn’t kill me like Brasilian or Italian music does. I'm pretty sure I've heard it all now and it just isn't knocking me over. Its nice and all, but nothing spectacular. Would love to hear something spectacular coming out them...

Last screening: million dollar baby. Wow. No wonder. This really was the movie of all movies. You know, Clint could have easily taken it. Jamie did a great job for sure but now after seeing this... Clint could have taken it and justifiably so. he was that good. this is a must see. Of course you spend most of the second half the film crying your eyes out. the whole theatre was literally sobbing and I don't mean tearing. I mean audibly sobbing. Like shock. Very good. no wonder hillary took the Oscar. It was a no brainer.

Took a long walk tonight. lots of stuff going on. Needed to sort things out. nothing like a long walk down the New York city streets at night.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

For the record:
Read this from CNN:
SYRIA TO WITHDRAW FROM LEBANON
Syria will withdraw all its forces in Lebanon to the Bekaa Valley area, closer to the Syrian-Lebanese border, Syrian President Bashar Assad said today. The move comes after the United Nations, the Arab League, the United States, France, Russia, Saudi Arabia and Egypt all stepped up pressure on Damascus to quit Lebanon.
O.k. now read this from CNN the same day:
China: No independence for Taiwan. BEIJING, China -- Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao opened the annual session of the National People's Congress in Beijing by saying a planned anti-secession law would never permit independence for Taiwan.
Same day both news items being reported. same situation. completely different circumstances and outcomes. Why? why isn't anyone forcing china to give Taiwan their independence? Hhhmmm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is not our responsibility to feed the hungry, nor clothe the naked, nor house the homeless. It is not our responsibility to reform the delinquent or heal the sick or subsidize the poor. Truly, one could confidently argue that it is not even our responsibility to take care of our own selves. That is why when a person falls down you offer them a hand up but you don't force them up. the only thing I can think of that anyone has a responsibility to do in this life is to avoid hurting others. people may argue that one has a responsibility to not hurt oneself as well, but there's just no basis to that idea. if a person wants to spend this life or a portion of it hurting themselves, they have the right to do that. lets face it, masochism is fun. as painful as it can be, there is pleasure in it or we wouldn’t be so into it. it is part of the wheel of life. all of it, the whole life, is for exploring and appreciating and experiencing...

Now with all this said, i will add that it may be true that we have no responsibility to do any of these things, but we do have the right to do them if we choose to. And what's more, as we grow as people/life-forms/beings/creators, we come to understand that there is great joy in it; that it may not be our responsibility to help others, but inside there is a calling that feels almost as if it is our duty.

So no man, there is nothing wrong with being a capitalist, with being selfish, with being self absorbed or self concerned or unconcerned with the welfare of others around the world. we have every right to let a person in the same town we live in die of hunger one day while we throw away our leftovers from dinner that night. that's just the way of the world we live in. that is nature’s way. But one can feel, somewhere deep within, something subtle and profound that beckons to us, something that sparkles with an understanding that we, humanity, can transcend nature if we want to. only if we want to. and often times we do not want to. But if we want to, we can. we, above all other life forms that we currently know of in the known universe, have the awareness, the ability, and sometimes even the desire to, transcend the natural world that we were born into.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Today at the cigar lounge they were playing the Beatles blue album... or maybe it was the number ones album. Whatever. reminded me. hadn't heard them in years. What's the deal with Paul? He has this whole worry about not being regarded as important as John in history... wants to reverse the Lennon-McCartney writing credits for all the songs he wrote so he is more distinguished for his contributions... I love Paul so much that I am rather biased and could never think anything bad about him. but I hate that about his thinking. I was thinking about this because this is the 25th anniversary of johns death believe it or not. crazy. and I was thinking about how important John seems still today and you know comparing it to Paul and the truth is that Paul does it to himself. I love his Beatles and wings songs... but I mean, number one, his lyrics, he never seems to take lyric writing very seriously does he. Always takes the easy way out. even his best songs never got to the heart of the matter like John did with plastic ono band album or imagine... or walls and bridges etc... or even double fantasy. Also, when he is in public he always manages not to say anything... he never speaks up about anything as John did. I mean if wants to be regarded as smart and pithy and concerned and all that as John was and is then why not start speaking up more... start saying something. John was just so out there. so vocal and so open. and Paul always just seems so non-committed to speaking out. I suppose that is part of his charm, his ability to not turn anyone off... but in the end, if you really want to turn people on, you're going to end up turning a few off.

The thing about New York is that it is the most friendly city in the world most of the time. but it is a very competitive city as well. no one is going to give you any handouts. Its all business. and today I really felt that. you have to climb your way to the top. Just living here, you're “there” already. you're at the top. But that's really when the challenge begins. can you do it? can you climb up and make something of yourself? Because in New York people aren't really interested in people who haven't made something of themselves. You’ve either got it and its something that people want, or you don't. and you're going to notice that. fast.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Our manager called today. ***** record’s London office called about releasing the new CD. brought up my age as a downside to the group if you can fucking imagine. For years we were always too “green”  or too young. And now all of a sudden I am too old... I'm only the fucking singer and songwriter, right, so dispensable. There is this thing about age and the music biz... we must find a way to open these turtles up a bit, get them to catch up to speed before they destroy everything we love about music entirely. some of the best music in the world is being made by girls and guys in their forties or fifties or sixties (sting, bowie, u2, Lou, Dave Matthews –how old is that guy anyway? Stones, Caetano, David Byrne, prince, Aimee Mann, on and on.... But these suits are just absolutely fucking clueless most of the time. I used to never think that because I never wanted to come off like or think I was some jaded or cynical wannabe bastard that could do nothing but complain. I have achieved enough now in my art, at my craft, that I don't have that worry anymore – I mean, that's just not me, one day I woke up and realized that I wasn't going to be one of those ‘oh look at my cool vintage t-shirt I bought on eBay’ kind of cynical pseudo-cool people who cut everyone and everything down that is successful... that's just not me... I don't have to resist anymore I guess because I know its not me....

but I gotta say, its true what they say about the record execs...  most of these guys are just fucking clueless about music or art. They're looking and listening for money, not for soul... Not all of them, but a lot of them. we’re lucky in that we know a few who are really cool. But man... go to the underbelly of the beast and you just won't believe what you will find in the corporate music world... (turn on MTV and see all the sort-of-long-hair bands that last year were short-hair bands that the year before were spiked-hair bands that a few years before that were shaved head bands who years before were super-long-hair bands, and you will see the belly of the beast that has ruined commercial music to the point where everyone is walking around wondering why music sucks so bad even though it really doesn’t – its just gone underground... its on Internet radio and satellite radio now.)

One minute a guy is jumping up and down raving about the new disc and in the next he is worried about how to cover up for the fact that the lead singer is over 30. we are truly an youth obsessed society right now, always have been, which is too bad because for all the beauty of youth, it offers us very little else in the way of stimulation or inspiration. The exces just need to get a fucking clue and realize that we love music. people love music. we all love music. we need music. we adore music. for many of us, music is very important to our fucking lives. And we don't care who is making it half as much as we just want the music to be good and honest and real and speak to us in that really special way that our favorite music does... they gotta spend a lot less time looking for youth and a lot more time looking for career artists.. real artists who touch their soul, not their pocket book. Amen to that children. So we need to bring these people up, raise their consciousness a bit, rather than coming down on them. show them what's its all about. nuff said.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Two glorious days with Princess Little Tree holed up in the nyc apt with constant snow falling outside. as always, as if we were in a movie. We spent time listening to music... I played her all the old Lou reed and t. rex Iggy pop and John Lennon and McCartney and wings albums so she could get in all the way. she understood a lot more... it was exciting to see someone get excited about understanding the origins of things....

Spending more time writing actual screenplays and the novels and less time in the diaries. finally.

Have revamped my new years resolutions. Focused on the just the top ten.

Is there any place on earth more exhilarating or friendly than New York? I would think not. of course I am open to all the possibilities. And indeed I would almost hope that there are better places, for eventually one tires of all things. I would hope that when that feeling comes over me that there will be someplace else that will enchant me just as much as beloved nyc. But for now I am so in love with the people of this city.

Current spin: Francis cabrel, 77 to 78. classic singer from the South of France who my professor makes fun of constantly for no other reason than he is not from Paris and because she is a snotty bitch. If you like good rock and pop he is the shit of France along with serge gainsbourg.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

On the subway tonight and there was this girl staring at me. maybe she knew me, or wanted to. she was very beautiful. I was so happy; I was tired, listening to great music on the ipod headed for this art gallery opening that *** was giving and just digging being alive and I'm looking at this chick and I want to reach out to her. tell her how beautiful she was but then I spotted this other chick to my right and then another to my left and in that moment I realized wow I am fucking in love with three different girls on this subway car right now... and in that moment I realized that that was a great thing. opening up. what does that lead to? this opening up? I don't know. but it feels good to be in it.

Between albums at this time. between worlds. no touring no playing no nothing just waiting building preparing. Sometimes I have to choose between food and laundry. And as most people would I almost always choose the food. I have more clothes than should be legally allowed. Madelynne counted once because she thought it was ridiculous and she said I had a hundred and sixty pairs of pants. A lot more shirts. So running out of clean clothes is never an issue, but running out of underwear is... no matter how many you collect at some point you are going to run out of all of them... and then... well yes then... and you don’t have the money to pay the launders bill just yet because you need it for food... LOL... o.k. so brainstorming with the incomparable Zeke Ziskin the other day about your options in this situation. number one you can just go underwear-less for a while. which is fine except chances are you’ve been wearing the same pair of jeans a few weeks so that's not usually a good idea. for obvious reasons. You can attempt to wash your underwear in the shower with you. I think that's the best plan. And then let it hang dry. Lets face it, its never going to be as clean as you would like but probably better than free-balling in the same pair of jeans for a week. you can take the least dirty pair and spray the hell out of them with Lysol disinfectant. That's worked for me before. you can even wrap yourself with a few sheets of paper towels down there if you want. That could do the trick. But then they're going to get all crunched up and sweaty and by the end of the day forget about it.

Last screening: the last king, history of Charles the II of great Britain. Got out the English history book to follow along. What a crazy scene the whole monarchy/king and queen thing is. what a bunch of murderous thieving lying monsters they all were. All just to hang onto power.

I'll tell you, we have three missions while we are here: to rid the world of dishonest governments, monarchies and dictatorships, and religions from having any power over any people on earth.

Current spin: vhs or beta, new one. on astralwerks. Good stuff. in line with the recent early- eighties renaissance along with franz Ferdinand and modest mouse.